Friday morning, I woke up and immediately regretted having told Karen I thought I was gay. As I stumbled to the shower, I ran through my reasoning, trying to convince myself it wasn't true. I tried fantasizing about Karen, but that actually caused me to lose my morning erection almost immediately. Okay, I thought, Karen really is kind of like my sister (if I had a sister), so I tried fantasizing about other girls - girls I saw in class, girls I saw on TV, even girls I remembered from school. It just embarrassed me. Then I let myself think about how I felt when I cuddled with Mark, feeling his skin against mine, feeling his arms holding me close, and my member instantly came to attention. I touched it and gently stroked myself.
I know it sounds retarded to be 17 and not know how to masturbate, but I'd obviously been a late bloomer sexually. Anyway, I'd learned quite a bit from Mark, and although my own hand didn't feel as good as his, it still felt wonderful. As I stood under the hot spray, pumping my dick for all I was worth, I fantasized about being with Mark, kissing him, swallowing his load again, seeing him smile at me, and I also fantasized about feeling him inside me. I imagined sitting on his cock, facing him, legs wrapped around him, his arms around me, loving him, pleasing him, and feeling him jerk me off. I even fingered my own asshole a little, using soap for lube, and worked a finger in while I hammered away on myself. Eyes, closed, sliding my finger in and out of myself, imagining it was Mark, I brought myself to a climax, shooting my sperm into the shower drain.
I panted for breath for a bit, rinsed myself off, and then, numbed, I climbed out of the shower, wrapped my towel around myself, and padded back to my room. As I walked, I looked down at my feet for some reason, and it struck me as incongruous that the feet of a homosexual could look so normal - neatly trimmed nails a healthy pink from the shower, skin almost ivory, gold hairs here and there - and as I dressed, the realization that that awful word and all it's awful synonyms correctly described me lay heavy inside me.
As I headed off to my first class, I met Karen and Jack on the way out, and Karen surprised me with a hug and a kiss.
"You okay this morning, Bubba?"
"Yeah, I think so." Then I looked over at Jack, wondering how he was handling me hugging and kissing his girlfriend, but he just smiled. "Um, how are you two?"
"We're fine, Josh." Jack still had a big smile, even as we all started walking and Karen took my hand.
Suddenly, I had a really strong desire to talk to both of them. "So Karen told you?"
"Told me what?" He didn't look puzzled, though.
I looked at Karen. "No, Bubba. I didn't tell him anything."
"Um," suddenly, my courage failed me, "Um, that I've decided . . ." I couldn't finish.
". . . to be a Physics major?" Jack chuckled.
"Um, not exactly." I looked at the ground, feeling miserable.
"Well, you ought to. You seem to have a knack for it."
"Ought to what?" Mark had come up behind us, and poked me affectionately in the side.
"Jack thinks Josh should be a Physics major," Karen offered.
"Gee guys, it's only the second week of class!" I guess I felt relieved that Jack had let me off the hook, even though I was sure he knew very well what I wanted to say, but couldn't resist teasing me.
"So where's Mitch?" Karen sounded more like she hoped to use this intelligence to avoid him than anything else, but Mark didn't respond to her tone.
"Sleeping late as usual. Says it's not his fault he can't schedule all his classes in the afternoon."
"He's not coming at all?" Karen seemed unduly pleased - and to be honest, I felt a little relieved myself.
"Oh, I think he'll drag in late as usual. We should save him a seat, anyway."
So the day passed without incident, although I found myself daydreaming about Mark more than once during the afternoon. Thinking of him aroused me easily now, and thinking about stripping naked for him, feeling his hands on me, kneeling for him, tasting him in my mouth, pleasuring him with my lips, swallowing his ejaculation - all these things seemed exciting. All my regrets seemed to have evaporated. Moreover, I kept thinking about new things - about having him inside me, either sitting on his erection, or lying back and spreading my legs for him, or even letting him take me from behind as he'd wanted to before - all these thoughts seemed sexy and appealing. But most of all, I kept thinking over and over how much I wanted to be in his arms again.
I was still uncomfortable that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't really feel like a girl, and I didn't want to be a girl, but I was ready to look past it. To "give it a fair try," as he kept saying.
So after class, I went immediately to his room, and found him at his desk working away. He and Mitch had a room with skybeds, which means both beds were raised high off the floor on a wooden frame. We couldn't sit side-by-side on his bed, since it was only about two feet below the ceiling, but this gave them so much more floor space that they actually had extra furniture, so I pulled the door closed, then plopped down happily on their couch.
"Hi, you seem cheerful."
I took a deep breath. "Well, I've decided I really am gay, I really do want to belong to you, and I'll be happy to do anything a girlfriend could do for you." That was as close as I was willing to come to saying I'd BE his girlfriend, but I hoped that would be enough., but far from the happy, pleased look I'd expected to see on his face, he got a strained, distressed look.
"I KNEW you were a faggot!" I looked up and realized sickly that Mitch had been out of view in his skybed. "That's the sickest thing I've ever heard!" I sat there stunned as he clumsily swung down from the bed, unfortunately landing between me and the door. "Get out of our room, fag."
"I . . ." I looked over at Mark, but he wasn't looking at me.
"NOW!" Mitch helpfully opened the door for me, stepping a bit to the side.
I stumbled to my feet and rushed out of the room, but as I passed Mitch, he gave me a solid kick in the ass, actually lifting me off the ground, and causing me to stumble and fall in the hallway.
"GET LOST, COCKSUCKER!" He slammed the door behind me.
People up and down the hallway poked their heads out to see what was going on, and even though I ran for it, I thought I'd die of shame before I reached the door at the end of the hall. I stumbled outside, my head spinning, and headed in the direction of the library, cursing myself for not looking overhead, or at least asking where Mitch was.
Thinking everyone would know now. Thinking I couldn't go back there.
And thinking I should just kill myself.
My thoughts kept coming back to that. I'd try to think about Mark, but whatever nice thoughts I might have kept coming back to that look on his face while Mitch was throwing me out. The way he didn't lift a finger for me or say a word for me.
"A guy like Mark doesn't want people thinking of him that way," I heard Karen's voice in my mind again. I figured there was no way he'd even be friendly to me again now. I started to cry.
Feeling very sorry for myself, I made my way up to the top floor of the library, looking for the roof access. Fortunately, the Institute had some experience with suicidal students, and they had secured the roof access with a padlock - something even a master key wouldn't open. I stared at it dully; I didn't think any other building on campus was tall enough to jump off, and the thought of maybe being paralyzed or crippled for life deeply frightened me.
Then I thought about what would happen when I went back to the dorm, and I felt even more frightened.
Feeling crushed, and very sorry for myself, I wandered aimlessly in the stacks, up and down a couple of floors, eventually finding an illustrated history of World War II that caught my eye, and ended up flipping through the pages, looking at the pictures, and trying hard not to think what I was going to do next.
"Planning to join the army?"
I looked up with a start. I'd half expected Karen would come find me, but I wasn't expecting Jack. I looked at him warily, as he pulled up a chair.
"So is it true?" His smile disappeared, and I realized I'd never seem him this serious before.
"Didn't Karen tell you?"
"No, she's at the gym class you're missing right now."
That didn't quite seem to follow. "So everyone knows?"
"Well, I think your roommate doesn't know yet. No one can find him."
"He's got family in the area. He's spending the weekend with them."
"Well, that helps, I think." He paused for a moment. "Lots of people are on your side, you know."
"On MY side?" I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.
"Yeah, Mitch shouldn't have done what he did. If anyone had a valid complaint, it was Mark."
I dreaded the answer, but I had to know. "So what did Mark say?"
"No one can find him either."
"So what is Mitch saying?" I felt my throat constrict and I could barely get the words out.
Jack looked uncomfortable, "He, um, he says you told them you were gay and offered to do things for Mark."
I just nodded.
"Is that accurate?"
I looked at the floor. "Yeah, I guess that's close enough."
"Mark's a handsome guy. It doesn't surprise me that a gay guy would be attracted to him. Especially when we'd been nice to you." A thought seemed to cross his mind.
"Um, you're not attracted to me too, are you?"
"No." He looked surprised, and even a little hurt. "I mean, Mark's the only guy I think about . . ." I realized that Jack didn't have a clue about Mark, and I resolved to protect him - despite everything - whatever the cost to me. Somehow that made me feel stronger.
"Well, you should put that out of your mind. I got stuck on a girl in high school, and I really made myself miserable before I finally just forced myself not to think about her."
I hoped I wouldn't have to do that with Mark, but the thought depressed me. "That's hard to do," I whispered.
"I know." He slugged me on the shoulder. "But it's for the best."
"I guess."
"Ready to head back? You can't hide here forever."
I felt filled with dread again. "I can't go back," I whispered.
"Yes you can. I'll stand by you, and I think you'll discover people aren't as bad as you think. You may need to be prepared for roommate trouble next week, but I think that's the worst of it."
"I just can't face people - and what about Mitch?" Suddenly I realized I was really, really afraid of Mitch.
"It'll all work out." He grabbed me by the arm. "Come on, I'll stick with you."
I stood up and let him lead me out. "Aren't you afraid people will talk about you too?"
"Let'em talk. I'm dating the prettiest girl in the frosh class," then he grinned at me, "besides, she likes you, she wants me to help protect you, and it lets me show off to her."
This did make me feel a bit better, but I had one more question. "So is that the only reason you're so cool about all this?"
"No. I had a gay teacher in San Francisco, so you're not the first gay person I ever met."
"Yeah, Karen said something about that."
We chatted all the way back. When we reached the dorm, I didn't want to go in, but Jack coaxed me the last few steps. Then he practically dragged me into the lounge, "You need to hang out with a few people at least for a while - it's no good if you just hide in your room."
So I sat on one of the sofas across from the fireplace, and, sure enough, a couple of people sat down near me and said hi kind of awkwardly.
"When did you decide you were gay, Josh?" Jack cheerfully pushed me into the deep end of the pool.
"Um, uh, just this week, actually."
"This week?" one of the guys I vaguely knew seemed surprised. "I'll bet Goldstein's lectures caused it." He smiled weakly.
"Nah." His friend seemed a bit more serious. "It's just because there aren't enough girls here."
"I don't think it's something you can just decide to do," Jack offered.
"Why not?"
"Well, have you tried?" Jack grinned as the other boy blushed and sputtered. "I didn't think so."
"So what makes you think you're gay, Josh?" Another guy had joined the group.
"Um," I blushed again, "I guess I just realized that all I think about is guys."
"Don't you like girls?"
"I like Karen a lot, but I just don't think about her that way."
"Good thing, too." Jack chuckled.
"I don't see why Mitch is so put out," the first guy spoke again. "It's just less competition for the rest of us." This got general agreement.
"Are you okay, Bubba?" I hadn't seen Karen come in, but I felt very relieved as she hugged me, sat down with me, and squeezed my hand.
"Don't let Mitch get to you, Josh," one of the other girls in the dorm came up to me. "He's probably just jealous you wanted Mark and not him.
I couldn't help myself, "Now THAT'S gross!" This got a laugh out of everyone, and she sat down on the other side of me.
"Hey, how come HE gets all the attention from the girls?" Everyone was still all smiles. I couldn't believe it. I actually felt like I was more popular than I'd ever been. This went on for a good hour or so, without a discouraging word from anyone. When I finally headed back to my room, I almost felt happy - up until the point I saw Mitch waiting for me outside my door.
"Heard you were talking about me, fag boy."
I slowly started to back up.
"Hey, I'm talking to you." He reached over and popped me on the chest with the back of his hand. "Don't queers have any manners?"
"Leave me alone, Mitch."
Scrunching his face up and making a very mincing voice, "Leave me alone, Mitch." He popped me again.
I kept backing up.
"I don't like you looking at me, faggot." He tried to pop me again, but this time I managed to dodge out of his way. This seemed to infuriate him.
"Don't worry. You're too ugly for me to look at on purpose." I giggled nervously.
I saw his fist coming at me in slow motion like in a dream, and like a dream, I couldn't move to get out of its way. When it reached me, the lights went out.
--To Be Continued