The following story is a work of fiction and does not represent any living person. The story contains sex between two consenting adult men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Hi All.
Trying my best to speed up the posting of chapters. Hope you enjoy it.
Please do send me any comments or feedback, helps me know if I am on the right track.
The story is reaching the climax, so would be good to know what people think.
Drop me a line at mr_e08@hotmail.com.
Also, thanks to Lisa for editing this story.
Enjoy,
Ethan.
------------- Chapter 23 -------------
*Please note time changes at the top of each section.
*** NOAH ***
— April 15th —
I stare at him from the doorway, my eyes fixed on the man I've been so desperate to see. He doesn't realize I am here; his back is to me. He seems deep in thought.
"Goodbye Noah," he says out loud.
I'm not ready to let him go.
"Hi Jordan."
My voice startles him. He turns around quickly. "Noah ..."
It only takes one look at his face for me to realize just how much I've missed him. The way he looks at me with those soft blue eyes, or the way his lips curl when I walk into a room, or how he brushes his hair off his forehead. It only takes once glance for my heart to start beating faster, to make my palms sweaty, my lips dry.
"Hey," I say rather softly.
"Hi."
"How are you?" I ask.
"I'm okay ... I'm surprised to see you here. How are you?"
How am I? I uh ... I don't know. I thought I knew. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could walk away from him and be okay. But it's barely been a few weeks and already my life is starting to fall apart without him.
"I've um ... I've been better," I say. "It's good to see you."
He looks beautiful. The way his hair falls across his forehead. The way his eyes glisten in the light. The way he is dressed. His outfit looks new. It's a bit different than what he usually wears. The shirt and pants fit him perfectly, snug against his lean body. He looks smart and sexy. He looks simply irresistible.
"It's good to see you too," he says.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you came ... for leaving ... that wasn't right ..."
"No it wasn't. But you're here now."
I'm here now ...
— May 1st —
Dark grey, ominous clouds greet me as I step off of the plane. Fitting, I guess. They are a symbol of how I feel inside as I return to my parents' home. Of course, Mother Nature isn't done with me just yet. She is an evil one. She waits until I am just outside to unleash her fury. Buckets of rain descend from the sky, soaking me thoroughly. Dripping water, I enter the house.
"Noah, welcome home!" My mom says to me. "You're drenched!"
Even though I am soaking her floor my mom is thrilled to see me. I'm home earlier than expected. My plan was to stay at school a little while longer and then come in the middle of the month for a few weeks. Yet, here I am on May 1st. I came almost as soon as my exams ended. I had to come. I need to be here.
"How was your flight?" my mom asks when I walk into the kitchen after I've changed into dry clothes. Like usual, she is cooking up a feast. Every time I come home she makes all of my favourites. She spends about two days in the kitchen preparing. It is really sweet of her. But there is a lot of food and there are only three of us!
"It was fine. I thought we would be delayed because of the weather, but we landed on time."
"It's been raining like this all week. They said on the news it's going to continue for a few days."
"Yeah, I heard."
"How did your last exam go?"
"It went well. I think I did okay. I'll find out all of my results by the end of the month."
"I'm sure you did well. And how's Jenn doing? Where in Europe is she now?"
I speak to my mom semi-regularly so she is up-to-date mostly on what is going on in my life.
"She's still in London. She sent me a bunch of pictures this morning."
I take out my phone and show a few to my mom. She starts to scroll rather rapidly. I have to take the phone away quickly. There are still photos of Jordan and me on here too. Oops.
"It looks like she is having a wonderful time," my mom says.
"She is."
I wish I were in Europe. Unfortunately my parents never really travel much. My mom loves to, but my dad doesn't. He likes to go nowhere. The end of the driveway is an adventure for him.
The doorbell rings as I'm catching up with my mom.
"Can you grab that?" my mom asks me.
"Sure."
I open the door to find my brother and his family.
"Uncle Noah!" my little nephew says to me as he grabs onto my leg.
"Hey there, little guy!" I say picking him up. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Welcome home!"
"Thank you!"
"Hey Noah," my brother says to me.
"Hey. I thought you guys weren't coming down this weekend?" I spoke to my brother earlier this week and he said they were busy with some family stuff.
"We thought we'd surprise you," he says.
"It's a fantastic surprise. It's so good to see you all!"
I haven't seen my brother and his family since Christmas. He has two little kids who are just the most adorable I've ever seen. They love me too. Usually when they see me after a long time they cling to me, and tonight is no different. They want to show me their toys, and tell me what they've been up to. I don't mind one bit. They are great kids. And they've grown so much in such a short time!
The rest of the night goes by in a blur. We have a great dinner, and I spend the night talking to my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law. I also spend time with the kids. Mostly we build stuff with all the Lego I bought them and the ones I still have from when I was a kid. The nice thing about being an uncle, you get to spoil the young ones without having to live with the consequences!
"Here, we got you this," my mom says handing me a gift bag.
"What's this for?" I ask surprised. My birthday isn't for months.
"Oh, just something small to mark the end of your third year," she says.
I open it up to find a really good camera. It looks like it cost a lot!
"Thank you, this is awesome, and really expensive," I say.
"I remember when I visited you in March, you said your old one broke," my mom says.
"It did. Thanks so much. I really like it."
"Now when you take me to London you can use it to take pictures," my mom says jokingly.
"Absolutely."
It's good to be home.
*** JORDAN ***
—- May 2nd —
A warm breeze ruffles through my hair as my car speeds down the road. The radio is on full blast, drowning out my horrible singing. I'm a bit ashamed to say this ... I am singing a Taylor Swift song out loud, but I can't help myself, it's catchy! It is a spectacularly beautiful day. The sun is out, the birds are back, the trees are in full blossom. Spring is finally here.
While I am in a good mood, I am a bit sad too. I'm on my way to the airport to drop Aiden off. He's going back to Australia for school. It was great having him here the last four months. I know I was originally petrified that he would be in town, but in the end, I am glad he came. He was there for me when I needed him most.
"You really shouldn't sing," Aiden says to me.
"I have a beautiful voice, thank you very much."
"Listening to you should be classified as a form of torture. And why are we listening to Taylor Swift!" He moves his hand towards the radio to change the station.
"Hey, I like this song, leave it." I smack his hand away.
"You've gone completely mad."
"I've always been crazy; you just didn't realize it till now," I say.
"It's good to see you in such good spirits," he says.
"Why shouldn't I be? It's a beautiful day and I'm finally getting rid of you. Life's good," I say with a big grin.
My phone beeps several times.
"Who's messaging you so much?"
"Oh, probably just Jenn sending me more pictures from Europe." I've already gotten a number of pictures of her in London, at Trafalgar Square, Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, the Parliament buildings, her doing funny poses with every single (I think) wax statue at Madam Tussauds. It seems like she is having a great time. My response to every single picture is `I hate you.' Part of me means it. When my phone stops buzzing Aiden's starts. "And who is that messaging you now?"
"You're not the only one getting messages from abroad."
"You two have been texting, eh? Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"It's actually the airline sending out a flight reminder, smart guy."
"Oh."
"Feel dumb now?" he asks with a smile.
"No." I sort of do.
"I haven't spoken to Jenn since we left the city. As I've told you before, there is nothing going on there."
"I'm just teasing you."
"I know. So when are you going to come visit me in Australia?" he asks.
"When the flight isn't so goddamn long! 30 hours. No way man. I love you and all, but not that much."
"Aw, do you have a man crush on me?"
"Yes Aiden, I'm deeply in love with you," I say sarcastically.
"You wouldn't be the first."
I laugh. "Arrogant much?"
"Not enough actually."
"Now who's crazy?"
"Still you, buddy, still you," he says.
We pull up to the drop-off area.
"Alright, here we are."
"Here we are. Thanks for everything and for dropping me off. It was really great seeing you. Stay in touch and keep me informed about everything. If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to text or call!"
"I will. Thanks for all of your help. Message me when you land. Have a safe flight."
"Will do. Take care Jordan."
"You too man."
"See ya!"
He gives me a hug and walks away. But as he starts to leave I yell back at him. "Oh Aiden, wait ... I forgot to tell you something really important," I say with a serious face.
"What?" he comes back towards me.
"Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play ..."
"You are totally crazy. Bye Jordan!"
"And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ..."
— April 15th —
"How are you?" he asks me.
How have I been? How does he think I've been? He ripped out my heart and tore it to pieces. He runs away the night I come to get my stuff, even though it was his idea for me to move in. How is all of that supposed to make me feel? Good inside? But the funny thing is, despite all that, I'm not angry. I'm ok. I've gotten past all that. I feel like I am at a place where I can finally move on.
"I'm okay ... I'm surprised to see you here. How are you?"
He looks different. He doesn't have that spark in him. His eyes have bags under them. His hair is messier than usual. It looks like someone has literally drained the energy right out of him.
"I've ... um ... I've been better," he says. "It's good to see you."
"It's good to see you too."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you came ... for leaving ... that wasn't right ..."
Vulnerability, I can see it in his face. But I don't know what it means. Why is he here? Is it because he knows he was wrong? Has he finally realized the mistake he is making? I can't tell. His eyes are clouded. There is so much torment in them that ... I actually feel sorry for him. Part of me wants to hug him, hold him close and just comfort him. But that's not my job anymore.
"No it wasn't. But you're here now," I say.
"I can't say this has been easy."
"No it hasn't," I say. It's been torturous!
"I really miss you."
"I miss you too," I say.
I've missed lying beside him in bed, talking to him, teasing him ... I've missed the small things, his little quirks ... I just miss being around him and the feeling I still get when he is with me. That feeling that is burning in me right now.
"I've made such a mess of everything."
"It's not too late to fix it," I say.
*** NOAH ***
— May 3rd —
On Sunday afternoon my mom, sister-in-law, and the kids go out shopping. It gives me some time so spend with my brother. We've always been close, but he's a lot busier now with having a family and a full-time job too. He doesn't live too far from my parents; it's about a two hour drive away.
"So, how does it feel to be back home?" he asks me.
"It's good. Nice to see everyone. The kids are so big now."
"Yeah, they grow fast. They miss their Uncle Noah."
"I miss them too."
"Well, you only have one more year left, who knows you could be back here permanently."
"Yeah, it's gone by quickly. But I'm not sure yet where I'll be next year."
"Have you decided what you're going to do in terms of studying?"
"The plan is still to do my masters in history."
"Which school?"
"If I can get in, the same one I am at now. Or perhaps apply somewhere abroad."
"You know Mom and Dad aren't going to like that. They want you back, and to switch your major."
"I know. I'm going to apply to schools here as well. They haven't actually asked me about it yet, but I know it's coming."
"Until you change your major, you're going to continue to hear that speech."
"I know. Who knows, I might just move back. I'm hoping if I'm still in school Mom won't bug me about finding a girl and settling down."
"I wouldn't bet on that. Is she still trying to set you up?"
"Thankfully, no. I'm hoping she's learned her lesson from the first time."
"You're young and half-decent looking; you'll find someone. Don't worry about her. Not everyone has to get married right after university."
"Barely anyone does! Who gets married in their early 20s? Well besides you ..."
"I know, each person is different. I'm happy. This is the life I wanted. But I know not everyone is the same."
"Can you please tell Mom that?"
"She isn't going to listen to me."
"She might, you are the perfect son."
"I'm the son who moved away with her grandchildren. Trust me, I still get that lecture all the time."
"I know they care a lot, but sometimes I feel like they apply too much pressure on me. I wonder if they will ever accept the decisions I make."
"They're hard on you because they love you, and they want you to be happy, that's all. If you stick with history and get a good job, they'll be fine. If you find a girl in two or three years from now and get married, they will be fine. They may bug you a bit about it, but that's just because of who they are."
I know it doesn't make sense, but I brought all this up because I'm hoping he can reassure me in some way that our parents have the ability in them to change, that they can one day love me, no matter what path I choose.
"Sometimes I think I should just tell Mom I'm gay, have a boyfriend, and am moving to Europe to study history full time. It may just be easier," I say as a joke just to see his reaction.
"Um, I don't think that would be easier. She would probably have a dramatic meltdown, and then try to do some magic on you or send you to some rehab clinic. I wouldn't even ever say that to her as a joke," he says.
"Yeah ... did I tell you about what she did when she came to see me?"
"No. What did she do?" he asks.
I tell him about meeting `gay' Aiden, and the walk through the gay village. "You've been there, it's a gay friendly city. But she just freaked out. It was really disappointing to see how conservative she is."
"You're surprised? Mom and Dad grew up in a different time, in a different world. They don't see it the way it is now. Men marry women. Period. That's it. They won't ever change. But anyway, that's irrelevant to you. I don't think you have to be worried about getting banished ... at least not yet," he says with a joke at the end.
Oh, if he only knew how relevant it was ...
— April 15th —
"I've made such a mess of everything," I say to Jordan.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to end it, say goodbye and never see him again. I was supposed to be okay with that. It was supposed to be like ripping of a bandage. Sure it would hurt at first, but then it would go away. That's what Sebastian said to me. But it's not like that at all. It's more like a stab wound to the heart. The pain is immense at the beginning, and it just keeps bleeding, and bleeding. The pain doesn't go away. It stays with you. It makes you numb inside, weak, lifeless.
"It's not too late to fix it," he says.
"I know ..."
I've been thinking that myself these last few days, these last few hours. I still have time to fix this. He's not gone yet. I can still have him in my life. I think he would forgive me for causing him so much pain. But then I think about my parents and my family ...
"Why are you here Noah?" Jordan asks me with a serious look on his face.
It's a good question; one I still don't know how to completely answer.
"I'm here because I needed to see you before you go ..."
"You've seen me now. Is that it?" Anger seems to be creeping across his face. Clearly I am playing with his emotions.
"No ... Jordan, this is difficult for me ..."
"It's not any easier for me. I was ready to say goodbye and walk out the door, and now you show up, and speak to me in riddles. I can't do this."
He moves towards the door. But I stand in his way.
"I came here to say I was wrong, I want you in my life. I don't want to say goodbye."
*** JORDAN ***
— May 8th —
"You've made a lot of progress," my mom says to me.
"Yeah, I think it's really coming along."
For the past week I've been working on building a deck in the backyard. I'm not the best handyman, but I know my way around tools. I always said I'd get to it, but then never did. I figured because I have some time now it would make sense to get it done. Truth be told, it is good being busy. I find it keeps me from getting into trouble. I used to always sleep in late and wake up at noon. But ever since I have been home I've been getting up at six in the morning for some odd reason. I'm usually in bed by nine! I feel like an old person.
"Come, take a break, you've been at it all day. Dinner is almost ready."
After dinner I do something I haven't really done much of lately; I go out. For the past few weeks I've preferred the sanctuary of my own home. That's not to say I haven't done anything social. For a while I had Aiden with me and we hung out a fair bit. But I haven't done a big group party in a long time. Tonight I am going over to a friend's place, someone I knew from high school. He's throwing an end-of-school-year bash.
"You made it," Max, the host of the party, says to me.
"Thanks for the invite." I've known Max for a long time. He's a good guy.
"No problem man, help yourself to whatever you want."
There are about 15 people here, so not a huge crowd. I know most of them pretty well. I mingle through the crowd, catching up with old friends. A number moved away just like me and are now back home for the summer. Some stayed and went to the local university. I meet two friends who started dating while in high school. They are complete polar opposites. He was more carefree, while she was very structured. He wanted a casual relationship, while she wanted something serious. Everyone, including myself, thought they wouldn't last longer than a few weeks. Then we were sure it would be no more than a few months. Then a year went by. I'm surprised they are still together some four years later. Somehow they made it work.
"Jordan!" the girl in the couple says to me. I don't really remember their names so I'll just say girl and boy.
"Hey, how are you guys?" I ask.
"We're good," she says. "Engaged to be married." She then shows off the ring. Not bad.
"Oh wow, congratulations," I say.
"Thanks man," the boy says.
Damn, I really should remember their names. Kyle? No. Andrew? No. I want to say I'm surprised that they're still together but figure that would be a bit rude. "When is the big day?"
"We haven't set a date yet," the boy says looking a bit relieved.
"But soon, we hope," the girl adds.
"You know, I remember you two being the complete opposite of each other back in high school ... yet here you guys are now. I'm curious what sort of kept you two together?" I'm curious, screw being nice.
"You know the saying opposites attract," the girl says.
"It actually is true. At first it seemed like we were very different, but actually we realized we sort of complete each other by bringing something different to the relationship," the guys says.
"Makes sense. Well I'm happy for you two." Whatever your names are.
I continue to mingle through the crowd when a loud voice calls out my name.
"Jordan?"
I turn around to see an old friend of mine. "Sophia!"
Sophia was in a few of my classes in high school. We hung out a few times but were never really close friends. It was more like we had mutual friends. I think she had a friend who was Aiden's friend, or something like that.
"How are you?" she asks me.
"I'm well. It's been a long time, how are you?"
"I'm good. What's up?"
We talk about where we are currently, what we're studying and how long we're in town for. One thing I do remember is that she was always very funny, and that hasn't changed. She looks different too. More sophisticated and grown up I suppose. I guess moving away can do that to you. We also talk about our days in high school. I remember seeing her a fair bit until last year. She sort of drifted away then.
"What happened to you in the last year? You stopped hanging out with us."
"I just got busy with school and started working, you know how it is."
"Yeah I understand, not as much time."
We spend quite a while talking and catching up. She is an easygoing person, not too serious, just like me. It's a fun relaxed conversation. Soon others join in. I don't even notice the time go by. Around 2 a.m. most people decide to head home.
I see Sophia as I walk to the car.
"Do you need a ride home?" I ask her.
"No, I have a ride. It was really nice catching up with you."
"It was nice seeing you again too."
"We should hang out again soon," she says. "I'll message you on Facebook."
Her statement makes me pause. She doesn't mean as in a date, does she? I'm probably overthinking it. "Sure. Take care."
— April 15th —
"Why are you here Noah?" I ask. I'm starting to get impatient. I can't let myself be hurt again.
"I'm here because I needed to see you before you go ..."
"You've seen me now. Is that it?" Now I'm starting to get a bit angry. He is toying with my emotions. This isn't right of him.
"No ... Jordan, this is difficult for me ..."
"It's not any easier for me. I was ready to say goodbye and walk out the door, and now you show up, and speak to me in riddles. I can't do this."
Forget this. I take a step towards the door but he stands in my way, blocking it.
"I came here to say I was wrong, I want you in my life. I don't want to say goodbye."
Does that mean what I think it does? Has he finally seen the light?
"And what exactly does that mean you want me in your life?"
"I know it will be difficult ... but I ... but I don't want to let you go. I'm hoping that we can still be friends."
My mouth drops in disbelief. He can't be serious.
"Did you just say you want us to be friends?"
"Yeah ... I know it sounds weird ..."
I start to laugh. I know this isn't funny but I don't know want else to do. It's my weird defence mechanism I suppose. I'm at the point where I am beyond being angry. I am at the stage where nothing fazes me anymore. It just washes over me. "Oh, Noah," I say looking straight into his eyes, "we can never be friends."
His expression changes instantly. "Oh."
"After everything we've been through, how could we possibly be friends?"
"I know it will be difficult, but we can try."
"Difficult? It wouldn't be difficult; it would be torture. I can see the way you still look at me. I can see that desire in your eyes. Nothing has changed between us. You still care for me, and I care for you too. We can't just erase that and pretend like it never happened. It would drive us both crazy."
"But I need you in my life. I can't imagine a world where you aren't there. These past few weeks without you have been hell. I still remember a time when we were friends and those were good times. Why can't we go back to that?"
"Noah, there is only one way I will ever be part of your life again, and that is as your partner, nothing else. We can't be friends. We can never just be friends. You'll always mean more to me than just another acquaintance." I pause. "For me, it's all or nothing."
I had faith in him. I thought the time apart, the torment he felt, would change his mind. But no.
"So, this really is goodbye then I guess," he says.
"It is."
"Goodbye Jordan," he says stepping to the side.
"Goodbye Noah." I walk out the door and out of his life.
*** NOAH ***
— May 8th —
His body is beautiful. He slowly undresses, revealing more of his smooth skin. Those abs, they can't be real. His hands go into his boxers. Oh, pull them off already! Slowly he does, he peels them off and throws them onto the floor, revealing his magnificent, hard, ready-to-fuck cock.
My eyes are glued to his body as he slowly jerks his dick. My hand wraps around my own penis as I slowly start to jerk it back and forth. As I watch him pick up speed, I pick up speed as well. Oh this feels so good. It doesn't take long for me to cum. Fuck.
"Noah," my mom yells from downstairs, "come down and have lunch."
Crap. I quickly close the webpage and shut down my laptop.
"I'll be there in a second," I yell.
I grab a tissue and wipe the cum off of my hand. That was way too close. I dart to the washroom to clean up. I've masturbated a number of times today already. I can't help it, I constantly feel horny. As much as I try to avoid gay porn, I keep gravitating back to it. I open up straight porn sites but my eyes just move to the man. I barely glance at the girl. Soon after, I give up and just find gay sites. Men fucking men. It's what I want to see.
After I clean up I head downstairs to eat something.
"So, any plans today, or are you just going to stay in your room?" my dad asks me.
"Um, nothing concrete. I just feeling like being lazy."
"Don't get me wrong, I love having you at home, but you've been staying in an awful lot lately. Is everything okay?" my mom asks.
"Yeah, it's fine," I say.
I need to find a way to get out of this house. While I am here all I do is either stay in my room or run errands for my parents. Most of my outdoor adventures have been going to the grocery store, or the drug store to buy things. Not a very exciting life I am leading.
I grab my phone and go through my contacts. I really don't speak to anyone from high school anymore. There is no one really to message. I barely have any friends in this city anymore. The few, and I mean few, that I do are all busy or doing something else now. Jenn is still in Europe. So, I go to the app store on my phone instead. Is this the best idea? It's worth a shot. I download the app Tinder. I go through a bunch of profiles, swiping some as like and some as pass. After a while on the app, I get a few matches.
I start chatting with one girl but it doesn't really go anywhere. The messages are very infrequent and then she seems to disappear. But I continue on the app throughout the day. I'm a bit desperate for company. For the most part I strike out, nothing really comes of all my work.
That night while lying in bed I try to picture some of the girls I saw on the app and arouse myself. But instead, thoughts of Jordan fill my mind. It's the thought of him fucking me that comes to mind as I cum.
The next day goes by like every other day. I get up, am lazy, watch gay porn, masturbate, watch some more gay porn, masturbate some more ... and the cycle continues. I need something to do. I need a task ... a life.
Again, I try my luck on Tinder. But again, the day goes by with some pointless conversations; nothing really pans out. It isn't until later in the night I find a girl named Emma. We message each other back and forth until about midnight.
The next day Emma messages me again. She seems to like me, and I like her too. The back and forth messaging goes on for a while. Eventually I muster up the courage to actually ask her on a date. To my surprise she agrees. We make plans to meet up at a coffee shop at five o'clock. I start to get ready around four. I just don't know what to wear. I want to make a good impression. I change a dozen or so times. Nothing seems to work. I want to look formal, but not too formal, more like casual but with a bit of class, if that makes any sense. I eventually decide on an outfit. I'm not thrilled with it, but it will have to do.
I arrive at the coffee shop at 4:45 and find a table in the corner. I'm nervous. I haven't done this in a long time. What if she doesn't show up? Or looks nothing like her picture? Or is totally crazy? I hate first dates. She arrives a few minutes late, but I am able to recognize her.
"Noah?" she says coming over to my table.
"That's me," I say with a smile as I get up. "Hi. It is nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," Emma says.
She sort of looks like her profile. It's pretty much the same but the picture is nicer. It seems like the pic was taken a while ago. She looks a bit older now and just a bit different. I'm not saying she is ugly or anything, but the profile pic was definitely more flattering.
We talk for a while. I haven't done this in a long time so parts of the conversation are awkward and slow. There are a few long pauses as well; good thing there are drinks to fill those periods. Unfortunately they are non-alcoholic. Overall, we have a good time. She is a nice, sweet girl. She doesn't seem crazy (or at least not yet). She laughs at my pathetic jokes (I can't tell if she actually finds me funny or is being nice). If we were meeting as friends, we would totally get along, but as a date, my heart just isn't into it. I force myself to laugh and smile and pretend like I care, but I don't.
We part ways about two hours later. Much to my surprise, she texts me that night to say she had a good time. Perhaps I could make this work. That night lying in bed I again masturbate. Not to the thought of Emma, but again to the thought of Jordan.
*** JORDAN ***
— May 22nd —
"So, what do you think?" I ask my mom as we stand on the brand new deck in our backyard. I put the finishing touches on it today while she was at work. I must say I am quite proud of myself. It came out much better than expected.
"It looks great, you did a wonderful job."
"Thank you. I was thinking now that this is done I would build a shed," I say. I need to move onto another project number.
"A shed? Why on earth do we need a shed? We have plenty of space in the garage."
"Yeah, but then we can use it for extra storage —"
"Jordan," my mom says cutting me off, "I can see what you're doing."
"What do you mean?" I ask pretending to be confused.
"You're making yourself busy with these side projects to avoid reality. Don't get me wrong it is great for you to do all this, it's much better than you sitting up in your room, but this isn't the answer to your problems. You need to go out and meet new people. You can't dwell on the past. Ever since Aiden left you've barely gone out."
"Mom, it's nothing like that. I am fine. I like doing this stuff. Plus, I have plans tonight to go out. Trust me, I'm okay." I actually am meeting up with the same group of friends I met two weeks ago.
She doesn't seem convinced but she leaves it at that. Truth be told, she is right. I have busied myself with makeshift projects. I thought I was okay to go out there but I'm no longer so sure. Last time I went out I met up with Sophia. We decided to meet for coffee. I thought at first she was just being friendly, but now am not really sure. I think she may want more. Here is out conversation:
"It's been a long time, so I guess it doesn't matter anymore, but ... I used to have a crush on you," she said to me.
"What? You're pulling my leg," I replied back.
"Seriously. It wasn't head-over-heels crazy, scribbling your name in my notebook inside hearts, but I liked you."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"It was a stupid high school crush, and you were seeing someone else then. But don't worry, that was in the past and I'm over it."
"Oh, is it because I'm older now? Age is withering away my good looks, eh?" I tried to make the mood lighter.
"Yeah, the last two years have really done a number on you."
So yeah, what am I supposed to make of that? Innocent conversation or something more? A few months ago I wouldn't have thought twice and would have flirted back, there wouldn't have been an issue. But now, with everything I've gone through with Noah ... it isn't the same. For one, I am not ready for a relationship, that is out of the question. But then there is the bigger question of what I even want sexually. I liked girls before and I still find some of them attractive, but is that what I want sexually? Noah was the first guy I was with and the experience opened up a door inside of me I didn't know existed. I still notice guys. I notice their faces, their hair, their bodies. I find them attractive, many of them sexually. It's just navigating all of this that drives me crazy. This is why I prefer to stay at home.
After I change clothes I drive over to the movie theatre. A bunch of my friends are already there including Sophia. I am a bit hesitant to see her. I just don't know how to act around her. I make my way over to the counter to buy my ticket. On the other side of the booth is a guy, probably about the same age as me. He has this great smile, and freckles on his face. He is really cute. I don't even realize I am staring at him. It's when he smiles back at me that I snap back to reality. I buy my ticket and hurry away.
I can't help but glance back. I feel a lot of sexual tension these days. I haven't watched any porn for weeks and haven't masturbated in probably a month. After my breakup I just didn't feel like it. I had no sexual desire whatsoever. I didn't get aroused. Nothing excited me. But that's changed in the last few days. Seeing that guy behind the counter did excite me. At the same time it scared me too. I turn away and don't look back.
I am trying to avoid her, but much to my despair I end up sitting beside Sophia. She is talkative like usual. For the most part I find she is just being friendly. But again, a part of me feels there is more. Midway through the movie I feel her hand brush against my leg. I know it was probably just by accident but I sort of jump out of my seat and spill a bunch of popcorn on me. All of my friends stare at me for a second, laugh a bit, and then turn back to the movie. Sophia says sorry in my ear. Deliberate or an accident?
After the movie the group heads to a local bar to grab some drinks. I am reluctant to go but decide it's probably for the best. Sophia is acting perfectly normal. I've built this crazy scenario all in my head. She is not hitting on me, I am being stupid. But she does seem to notice something is up.
"You okay Jordan?" she asks me when no one is around.
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"You seem off today. You're quiet, a little jumpy."
"Everything is fine," I say.
"You seem to be avoiding me tonight. I hope I didn't say anything," she says.
"You didn't say anything. I'm sorry if I came across that way." I take this opportunity to put a stake in any potential plans she has for us. "I've just been preoccupied. Before I came back home I had this huge breakup that is still weighing on me."
"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."
"Thanks. We were dating for a few months, and living together."
"That does sound serious."
"Yeah. I thought this was it, that we would be together forever, but it didn't work out."
"I'm sorry. I'm sure you are better off without her. It'll take time I know, breakups suck. But if you need any help forgetting her let me know," she says to me with a sly look on her face.
Was that an offer for casual sex?
"What are you two talking about?" one of my friends asks joining us.
Talk about perfect timing! I didn't know how to answer her back. Sophia doesn't bring up the topic again.
When I get home I do something I haven't done in a long time. I throw off my pants and stroke myself until I unleash streams of cum onto my stomach. I make such a mess. I didn't know there would be so much! The release is electrifying. I ejaculate several more times that night. I don't think of Sophia. I think of the cute guy behind the counter at the movies.
*** NOAH ***
— May 23rd —
"That is a stunning view," I say to Jenn.
We're talking on FaceTime. She is showing me the view from her hotel room in Istanbul. In the background is the Blue Mosque.
"I know! This place is amazing," she says.
"I honestly hate you."
"I know. You have to come here one day."
"I want to! I thought we were going to go together?" We're always making travel plans together that never really come to fruition.
"Umm, well, you can come when you find someone special," she says.
"I think that will take a while ..."
"How are things going with Emma? Are you straight yet?"
"Funny, Jenn." Of course I told her about my dating life. "Things have been going well; we've been talking fairly regularly."
"But?"
"But what?" I ask.
"But something is off."
I can't hide much from her. "She seems nice but I'm not really ..." I'm at a loss for words.
"Into her? Gee Noah, I wonder why?" she asks sarcastically. "So are you going to dump her then?"
"No, we're actually meeting tonight at her place."
"You know what that means, right?"
"Yeah I do." I say sounding quite downcast. It likely means sex.
"Okay, that right there should be the confirmation that you're so not into girls! You can't even get excited at the prospect of having sex!"
"It's just been a while."
"It's all the same, nothing has changed."
"I know that ..."
"Noah, I know you're trying but can't you see this isn't working. You're not into this girl, or any girl. You know what your heart wants. How long can you continue to pretend?"
"Jenn ..." I would rather not talk about this. "Tell me about Istanbul; how is the city?"
She stares into the camera for a second. I guess she is thinking if she should stick with the first conversation or move on. She decides to move on. A smile spreads across her face. "Honestly, it is amazing ..."
—
I barely make any conversation with Emma during dinner. I can't stop thinking of what's going to happen after we eat. After we're done Emma and I move onto the couch in her tiny apartment. This space really is a square in the sky. The condo is so crammed one can barely move. And she doesn't even live here alone; she shares it with someone else! We talk about nothing in particular, but I can tell where this is going. She is flirtatious, touching me softly on the leg, on the shoulder, the arm. We both know where this is headed. Soon we stop talking and we kiss. We've kissed before but this time it is longer. It feels nice to have contact with another body; it has been a long time. But I would be fooling myself to say I felt the same passion I felt kissing Jordan. I enjoy it, but it feels more mechanical, I am robotically pushing myself through the motions. I have to make this work. I start to kiss her harder, move my hands over her body, and squeeze her breast in my hand.
"Easy there," Emma says breaking off the kiss.
"Sorry," I say. I guess that may be too fast, or too hard.
"That's okay," she says with a smile. "How about we move into the bedroom?"
She leads me into her even tinier room. Once there she shuts the door behind her. We kiss once more, and while our lips are locked she starts to try and unbutton my shirt. I guess it's not the easiest thing to do when you're not really looking. She eventually gets all of them unbuttoned and takes my collar and pulls my shirt off. She grabs it and flings it into a corner. Her cold hands roam my body. I know she is trying to be sensual but that feeling isn't there. When she breaks off the kiss she looks at me a bit confused. I guess I am supposed to do something? But what? She smiles and moves my hands to her shirt. I guess I'm supposed to undress her too. She is wearing a blouse which I unbutton and throw off, leaving her standing in her bra.
We continue to make out while slowly losing more clothes. At one point in time we are on her bed, I'm in my boxers and she's in her bra and panties. You'd think by now I would be rock hard, but I'm not. I am limp. She sort of notices but doesn't really say anything. She rubs my crotch but that doesn't make it come alive. Shit this is embarrassing. I need to get an erection. Eventually my boxers come off and she loses all her clothes as well. I play with her body, trying to arouse myself, but again, to no avail. She then turns her attention to me, rubbing my cock and kissing it with her lips. It starts to come alive but not enough. Now this is getting really embarrassing, so I do something I know will work. I close my eyes and picture Jordan. I picture they're Jordan's hands that are on my dick, rubbing it up and down. I imagine they're Jordan's lips that are touching my skin. That does it. Soon there is life in me and my dick rises to attention.
She rolls over and grabs a box of condoms from her nightstand. She passes me a condom. I tear it up and take it out. My heart is beating faster now. I am nervous about this. Am I really going to do this? Am I going to take the plunge, quite literally I guess, and go down this path? I place the condom on my dick and start to unroll it. Unfortunately my dick is starting to go soft again so again I close my eyes and think of Jordan. This is Jordan you're putting this condom on for. It is Jordan's ass I am about to fuck. It does the trick of getting my dick back up, but it does something else too. It brings in the emotion of guilt. I feel guilty. I know this is crazy but somehow it feels like I'm cheating on him. I can't do this.
"I gotta go," I say to Emma.
"What?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do this," I say getting up from the bed. I start to quickly grab my clothes.
I can't really make out what she says next. There is a lot of yelling and profanity thrown my way. I guess I won't be getting any more messages from her. I manage to get out of there with my pants on and my shirt unbuttoned. My socks and shoes are in my hands. This was a disaster.
*** JORDAN ***
— May 30th —
I stand in front of the mirror. Is this okay? Or should I wear the other jeans instead? They do look better and fit better too. How about the other shirt? I can't make up my mind. It takes me probably 45 minutes to get dressed. That has to be a new record. I want to look good for tonight. I think it will help. I'm feeling really nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing to be nervous about. This is normal, this is natural. This makes sense. Here goes nothing.
I arrive at the club around midnight. It is full of people by then dancing to music, drinking, and generally having a good time. There is of course one thing different about this club; there are mainly men here. Over the past week my sexual desire has been growing, returning to its previous level. The more I thought about it the more I realized I want to be with a man. Sophia didn't interest me. That part of my life, dating women, seems like it is the distant past. I yearn for a man's embrace. So here I am at a gay club. I didn't come here looking for anything or to find someone. I'm still not at the point where I want a relationship, but I knew I needed to get out of the house and explore. If one doesn't search, then one won't find anything.
I grab a drink and sit down on a stool at the bar. I am usually okay with meeting new people or talking to strangers; the thought never really bothered me, but tonight I don't have the same bravado. I'd rather melt into the background, be a fly on the wall, and absorb it all from a distance. A few guys walk by smiling at me, I smile back. Every so often one old creepy guy walks by very close. I'd rather he not, but I don't say anything. Eventually I move away from the bar and find this nook and sit down. It gives me a good vantage point of the bar. A short while later these two friends come by and sit down close to me. One of them starts chatting. The two are foreigners, visiting the city from abroad. They're really excited to be here, neither has ever visited a gay club before. Even though I have been to one I feel like I can relate to them, a lot of this is new to me. They ask me to join them as they explore the club. As we walk through we see guys dancing, making out, or watching porn on television screens. I am not shocked by any of this but the other two are fascinated.
After our short adventure we make our way back to the main bar area. The chatty one starts talking to this really hot guy. He looks my way and smiles, I smile back but quickly avert my gaze. Of course the old creepy guy is back and this time he is a bit more, let's say adventurous too, he grabs my ass, and quickly moves to the next guy and grabs his butt too! We both jump out of our seats. That was gross. The guy doesn't even seem to notice our reaction, he is gone just as quickly. Somewhere in between drinking and talking, the two chatty friends disappear leaving me with the hot guy. He invites me to move over to the side. His name is Carlos. He is from Spain. That explains his hotness; how can one not be into Spanish guys! He has this easygoing style and charm. His smile is contagious. We have such an easy, natural conversation. The two chatty friends appear again, and say they are going to go to a male strip club. I am about to say I'll join them, but Carlos puts a hand on my leg, and says the two of us will join them later. The touch sends a jolt through me. It's been a long time since I've been touched that way by another man. It also catches my attention because of what it means. Perhaps Carlos has other plans for tonight. I don't know how exactly it happens or when, but at some point in time he leans in and starts to kiss me. His soft lips on my mouth make my heart beat faster. He really is a sensual and passionate kisser. His hands move to my body, moving it closer to his. The kiss is electrifying. It sends waves of pleasure through my body. When we break it off I notice many people in the club are staring at us.
"How about we take off?" Carlos says to me.
"Where do you want to go?" I ask, knowing full well I know where he wants to go.
"My hotel isn't too far from here," he says with a grin.
That's where I thought this was leading. As much as my body, and my dick, are screaming YES, YES, HELL YES', my mind, my stupid rational mine, is saying, whoa, slow down'. Unfortunately I have to listen to my brain.
"I'd love to, but I can't, I have to go."
"Are you sure?" he says with his hand rubbing my leg.
"I am. I'm really sorry."
"That's okay."
I say goodbye and make my way out of the club. That was an interesting night ...
—
Even though I fell asleep around three in the morning, I am up right at six. I barely had three hours of sleep yet I am alert and ready for the day. I really need to stop waking up so early. One of the reasons I am up is because my marks are out today. I log onto the computer. Come on, hurry up! I am so impatient. It takes a few minutes to find them. But, when I do I am relived. I got above 80 per cent on everything and made the honour roll. Phew!
I grab my phone and message Aiden. Much to my relief he responds back. He is at home and free so we decide to talk on Skype.
"Hey man, how's it going?" Aiden says to me.
"It's good, how about you. How's life in Australia?"
"Good, good, can't complain. It's super early there, what are you doing up?"
"I can't sleep past six. I know it is strange."
"Well that's because you go to bed at nine like an old person!"
"I'll have you know I actually went to bed last night at three in the morning."
"Oh, and what trouble were you getting into that late at night? Downloading the latest Taylor Swift song?"
"Jokes on you, because I already have her entire album. You know what? I am going to set her song as your ringtone."
"Do it, what difference does it make to me? People will question you when it rings, not me."
"Good point, I didn't really think that through. Anyway, going back to your point, I was up late because I went to a gay club last night."
"A gay club! Good for you man. I'm glad. You need to get out there again. How was it?"
"It was good. I met these two friends who were from abroad, it was their first time at a gay club and they were so excited."
"Did you meet anyone special?"
"Sort of."
"What do you mean sort of?"
"There was this guy ..."
"Ooh, what was his name?"
"Okay, stop being weird or I won't tell you anything."
"What's the point if I can't even bug you?" he says with a smile. "Fine, I'll stop."
"His name was Carlos, he's from Spain."
"A Spanish guy, eh? Spaniards are quite hot."
"They are. So yeah, we chatted for a while ... and then we started to make out."
"Look at you, kissing guys in a club. So what happened to Carlos?"
"He invited me back to his place and ..."
"And?"
"And nothing. I went home. I'm not ready for that yet."
"Everything will come in due time. Baby steps, right? You went to the club in the first place and that is a big step for you. You'll get there eventually. I am proud of you. Did you at least get his number?"
"No, but there was no point, he's going back to Spain tomorrow."
"Ah."
I talk to Aiden about the past few weeks and Sophia. I mention her comment about having casual sex.
"No way, she did not say that!" Aiden says.
"Well she implied it." I tell her what she says.
"I don't know man, that could go both ways ... but it does kind of sound like she was putting herself out there."
"I know, but I'm just not into her. It was partly that realization that led me to the gay club. I think that is where I need to focus my attention."
"Go out, meet guys, have fun, be a man-whore. You're young. You have to get over Noah sooner or later, and I say better sooner than later. Experiment, meet new people; that's the only way you will know what you truly want."
"I guess you're right."
"I always am."
"So I see the arrogant side of you found its way back to Australia too."
"Don't hate me cause I'm awesome, dude. Not cool."
"And you say I'm crazy!"
*** NOAH ***
Days, weeks, at some point in time they all start blurring together. I had convinced myself this would work. I was sure I could do it. But I failed. I have to face the truth: I'm miserable, utterly miserable.
I tried changing myself. I tried to shut out thoughts of guys and date girls. But in both cases I failed. I still notice guys, every time I am out, my eyes drift towards them. I was a fool to think there was some switch inside of me I could just turn off. It doesn't exist. This is who I am. I like guys.
In terms of girls, I tried dating, I really tried. I spent hours on Tinder, I talked to as many as I could, I went to bars, I went out on dates, but nothing. I couldn't make anything work. Something would always get in the way. But then I found a girl I thought I could like. I thought I could be with her. She didn't arouse me, but I could learn to like her sexually, I told myself. We dated for three weeks. Then one night she invited me over to her place. I was afraid I would make the same mistake I did with Emma so I started to drink. And drink. And drink. I was drunk by the time I got to her place. That was the only way I could go through with it. But she realized I was drunk and kicked me out. I begged her to forgive me. I told her I was nervous. She forgave me and so we decided to meet up again. I drank, but not as much as I did before. I'd rather not go into many details, but it was a disaster. It didn't last long. While she sucked my dick I moaned out Jordan's name. That was the only way I could get it up. She looked up at me, but I lied and said I just moaned. Then it was my turn to play with her vagina. Let's just say it didn't go well at all. I couldn't do it. The thought of licking her pussy disgusted me. It was probably the worst blow job in the history of blow jobs. When it came to the actual sex ... well there wasn't much. I ejaculated pretty quickly. It was over before it even began. It was meaningless sex. I thought it would make me feel better, it would get me over this hump. But it did the exact opposite. It made me feel awful, disgusted with myself. I shouldn't have done it. Not surprisingly, I never heard from her again. After that I just stopped making an effort. I tried being someone I am not, but instead I ended up alone and empty inside.
I've been drinking more too. It is the bottle that has given me solace. But I can't drink much. My parents don't like having alcohol in the house, so I have to be careful. I drink at night when they're asleep. It numbs the pain. I lie to them a lot. About where I am going, what I am doing. I lied to them about school too. My marks were terrible, the worst I ever got. I got a D for the first time in my life. I failed the exam. It was the first one I took after the break up. I'm not surprised. I remember that exam. Nothing would come to me.
I feel so isolated here. Both physically, being here in my parents home, and emotionally. I feel there is no one I can reach out too. Jenn returned from Europe a while ago but she is still at her parents' house. We talk but it is not the same as when we are together. I can't even talk to her freely when I'm at home for fear my parents will hear. As for my own parents, they have been good these past few weeks. Surprisingly, my parents haven't really bugged me about anything. I just run errands for them or spend time with them. I have no life here. But I also don't really have anywhere to go. I ended up finding a sublet for my apartment. The lease is up in August. I don't plan on moving back there. I need to start fresh next year. I can't go back to that place. It would remind me too much of Jordan.
These days I think about Jordan a lot. I wonder what he is up to, where he is now. I wonder what my life would have been like if we stayed together. I knew I would regret my decision to leave him, I knew that would be something I would have to deal with. I thought I could deal with it. But again I was wrong. I regret that decision every day. I'm now left wondering if Jordan has found another guy. Has he moved on? Of course he has. He's probably with him right now. The two are probably in love, holding hands, laughing, and walking down the street. Jordan has probably forgotten all about me, a distant memory in his past.
All that is left of him now is that picture he gave me back on Valentine's Day. It's the black and white photo of the two of us standing together. It shows me standing up straight looking at the camera, with Jordan leaning on my shoulder. The two of us look so happy in the photo. I almost don't recognize myself. He is a guy I once knew a long time ago. On the back of the photo is the message `Forever yours'. I've stared at this picture so many times. I gave up the love of my life, and for what? Nothing. I discarded happiness for emptiness. I must be the stupidest person in the world.
"Noah?" my mom says knocking on the door.
"Yeah?" I quickly stuff the photo into my pocket.
She opens the door. "I'm going to do some laundry, do you have anything you want to throw in?"
"No, I'm fine Mom, I'll do it myself later," I say. I always do my own laundry.
"Okay. And dinner should be ready within 30 minutes."
"Ok, I'm coming down, I'm just going to take a shower first."
"Are you okay?" she looks concerned.
"I'm fine."
"Okay ... I'll see you downstairs in a bit."
"Yup."
She leaves, shutting the door behind her. I throw off my clothes, put on a bathrobe, grab a towel and head towards the washroom. I step into the shower and under the flow of warm water. I've always found taking a shower therapeutic. It soothes me. It is a little isolated place where I can be alone with my thoughts. But, like all good things, it has to come to an end eventually. I dry off and make my way back into my room to change into my pjs. I spend most of the day in my pyjamas. I notice the clothes I threw onto the floor are gone. My mom must have taken them and thrown them into the laundry. Clearly she doesn't know what no means.
I head downstairs to the kitchen. My parents are sitting at the table. They are eerily quiet.
"What's up?" I ask them. This is weird.
"Sit down Noah," my dad says to me in a serious tone.
"What's going on?" I ask again taking a seat.
"Care to explain what this is?" my mom asks.
She slides over a small paper towards me. As it comes into view I realize what it is. I start breathing faster. My heart starts to thump. My mouth goes dry.
On the table is the picture of Jordan and me.
End of Chapter 23.
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