The following story is a work of fiction and does not represent any living person. The story contains sex between two consenting adult men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Apologies for the delay in getting this chapter out there. The next one shouldn't take as long.
My aim is to finish writing this series soon, but I am not sure how realistic that goal is.
Comments and feedback always welcome at mr_e08@hotmail.com. Also, thanks to everyone who sent feedback and to Lisa for editing this story.
Enjoy,
Ethan.
------------- Chapter 22 -------------
*** NOAH ***
In the darkness I search for light. Locked in despair, I struggle to be free. I am caged, desperate and scared. I look for strength, for I cannot falter. I have to say goodbye. But, I don't know how.
So, this is what defeat feels like.
"Jordan ... it's over," I say with sorrow in my heart.
"What do you mean it's over?" he asks nervously.
"We can't be together ..." The words are too heavy for me to say. They drain the life out of me. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
"I don't understand. Is it because of the video or the fight we had?"
"No ..."
"Then I ... Is it because of something Sebastian said? Is he behind this?"
"This is my decision Jordan," I say.
"Then why?" he asks, pleading to me for an answer. "Look at me Noah."
Because life isn't fair. Because I am weak.
"It's just not meant to be," I say with my eyes firmly looking down. "I can't be the boyfriend you want or the boyfriend you deserve."
"I don't accept that," he says. "Is it because of your mom?"
"She'll never understand Jordan."
"Did she say something to you?" he asks.
"She'll never accept you or me. She's not like your mom. It's pointless ..."
"How do you know that?" he asks me. "She could change her mind."
I lift my head and meet his gaze. By now tears are rolling down my cheeks. "Because, I know she won't. She'll never accept us."
"I can wait," he says holding onto my hands tighter. "I can wait for however long it takes."
"I can't ask you to do that. Time won't change anything."
*** JORDAN ***
A piece of me is slipping away. A void is growing in my heart. Emptiness is seeping into my soul. From within, I am crumbling. My world slowly disintegrating.
I cannot let him go.
"I thought you said you loved me," I say to him.
"I do. With all of my heart."
"Then how can you do this?" I ask deflated.
"I'm saying goodbye because I love you. I'm saying goodbye because I want you to be happy."
"If you want me to be happy than you'll stay with me!" I say. "If we stick together we can do this Noah. I will always be there for you even if your family isn't."
"I can't let them go Jordan," he says. "They mean the world to me."
"But you're willing to let me go?" I ask with a bit of anger in my voice. "Don't I mean anything to you?"
He bites his lip and turns his head away. "I don't have a choice."
"You do have a choice. Choose us."
"I can't."
I'm losing him. I can feel it. But I don't know what to say. I place my hand on his face and move it towards me. I lean forward and kiss him. I kiss him with all of my soul, with everything I have within me. He doesn't break away. He kisses me back with the same passion. He eventually ends the kiss and lowers his head.
"Are you telling me you didn't feel something there, feel something worth fighting for?" I ask him.
"I ... ah ..." He has nothing to say. He won't look at me. "You know how I feel about you, but I can't. I've made up my mind. And eventually you'll realize this is the right decision."
"There is no convincing you, is there?" I ask, defeated.
"No."
"You're just going to cut me out of your life? Throw me away like I don't matter?" I can't help but feel angry with him. I know where he is coming from but I want him to try harder for us.
He looks up at me, his eyes a dark red. "You'll always matter."
"So, this really is goodbye then?"
He nods his head in silence.
I let go of his hands. The energy in me is draining away. I somehow force myself to get off of the floor. My head is spinning. I feel as if I am free-falling. Plunging headfirst into the ground. I need to get out of here. I need some air. Before I leave I turn back and look at Noah. His head is buried in his lap.
"We could have been happy together," I whisper before closing the door.
*** NOAH ***
My eyes are sore. My body aches. I didn't get any sleep last night. I spent the entire time lying in bed crying. I just kept looking at the empty spot next to me wishing he was here, wishing I hadn't pushed him away. But he is gone and I have to move on. This was my choice; I have to live with it. But I feel lethargic. I have no energy to get up, no energy to face the world.
Aside from thinking about Jordan, I kept replaying the conversation I had with Sebastian on Monday night. It was partly that talk that made me finally decide to break it off ...
—-
"Noah you know exactly what I mean. You called me here because of Jordan," Sebastian says to me.
"I called you here because I want to makes things right with you."
"I know the two of you are dating."
"Sebastian, I told you before ..."
He cuts me off. "Save it, Noah. I've seen the way you look at him, the way you interact with him. I know you two are more than just friends. And when I heard you two are living together, well, it didn't take a genius to put it all together. I don't know why you continue to lie about it."
I guess there is no point denying it anymore. "Fine, you're right. We are together."
"So, what has he done now?"
"He hasn't done anything," I say. I'm not going to bring up the video. "As I said, this is about us, not him."
"Okay, if you say so. You know, I'm surprised you two got together. I knew you liked him, but I never got that vibe from him. My gaydar didn't pick that one up."
"I'm still sometimes surprised myself."
"Are you happy?" he asks.
"I am."
"Then how come you don't look happy?"
"I ... I'm fine. I am happy." Damn he's perceptive.
"So, I came out to my parents about two weeks ago," Sebastian says.
"Oh, wow. How did it go? What did they say?" I know he was concerned about how his parents would react.
"They were surprised. My mom was devastated, kept saying she will never have grandkids. But she seems to be coming around slowly. We still talk which is good. My dad, though, won't talk to me. He pretty much told me he wants nothing to do with me."
"I'm really sorry to hear that."
"I'm not surprised," he says. "I knew it was a risk. He thinks there is only one definition of who a man should be. He is the one who got me into sports, and going to the gym, because he wanted me to be manly. Well, it's also where I started noticing other men, so I guess that didn't work out as planned! In my father's eyes being gay doesn't make you a man."
"Maybe, like your mom, he just needs time and will come around too."
"I doubt it. If he doesn't, then it's his loss. He just won't be part of my life anymore."
"How can you say that so casually?" I ask.
"I say it casually because I have to. I don't have a choice, do I? I can't make him love me. I knew this was a strong possibility before coming out. I'm at peace with my decision."
"What made you change your mind?"
"I feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. This is my last year of school. I got a job offer in Europe, so I'm actually moving in May. And I just want to start fresh. I don't want to hide, and to be honest, I don't care what people think anymore."
"That's really good. I wish you the best of luck."
"Are you still worried about your parents?" he asks me.
"Yeah, a lot actually. My mom was just here this weekend. Her plane is probably taking off about now."
"How was her visit?"
"The conversation of homosexuality came up. She was revolted. She thinks it's wrong and a sin."
"That's too bad."
"I know she isn't ready to accept me, which is why I need to make sure this will all be kept a secret. I trust you won't say anything to anyone."
"I know you don't think highly of me."
"I never said that!"
"I'm not dumb Noah, I know you don't. I know I acted like a jerk to you. It's just that I'm not used to people saying no to me. I usually get what I want. Blame it on my parents, and me being an only child I guess. I hate losing, and I know I can get way too competitive. But deep down I am a good person."
"I never said you weren't one."
"I haven't told anyone and I won't tell anyone. Look, I know you may not believe me because I'm not a fan of Jordan's, but I will never out anyone. I think coming out is a personal thing and only something one should choose to do themselves. No one has the right to do that for someone else. If I ever came across something that would out you, I would keep it to myself. But then again, in exchange for my friendship I would expect you to also look out for my interests and my friends too."
And there it is. If that isn't confirmation of the video and the threat than I don't know what is. So he won't out someone, but he'll blackmail them? I want to ask him about that but I don't. He just guaranteed he won't release it, so I shouldn't provoke him.
"Of course," I say to him. "Thank you."
"Do you ever see yourself telling your parents?" Sebastian asks me.
"I don't know. I thought I would one day, but now after this weekend ... I don't see how."
I tell him a little bit more about my mom's visit.
"From the sound of it, it doesn't seem like your mom is ever going to come around," he says.
"No. I think she's made up her mind."
"So telling her means you'll likely lose her."
"Yeah."
"As I said, I had to be okay with the idea of losing my dad. Are you willing to do that?"
"No. I don't want to lose them; they're my family," I say.
"I don't see how you can be with Jordan and still not tell your parents."
"Neither do I."
"Then perhaps it's best to just rip the bandage off in one quick go, as opposed to slowly over time. It'll hurt like hell, but it will be better for you."
"I've been thinking the same thing myself these past few days."
"The longer you stay with him the harder it will be."
"I know. But the thought of losing him ..."
"Think about it this way: if you can never be with him, is it fair to give him false hope?" Sebastian asks me.
"No it's not. I've got a lot of thinking to do."
"Well, if you need any help you know my number."
—
I'm brought back to the present by the sound of my phone ringing. It's Jenn. She called last night to see how my talk with Jordan went. I messaged her back that is was fine and that I'd call her in the morning. Clearly she beat me to it. I am not looking forward to this conversation.
"Hey Jenn."
"Hey Noah. How's it going?"
"It's okay."
"What's wrong? Your voice sounds off."
No point in delay it. "I broke up with Jordan."
"You what! Why? When? Hang on, I'm coming right over, don't you move a muscle!"
I guess I won't be getting out of bed then.
Jenn is over here within minutes. She must have run at the speed of light or something. She demands to know the whole story. I tell her everything. My meeting with Sebastian (she seems to think this is all his fault), and what made me come to my decision.
"So you're picking your family over him?" she asks me.
"I have to," I say.
"So what does that mean? You'll live a lie the rest of your life? You'll go back home, date girls, get married and have lot of kids so your mom is happy?"
"It's what I'm meant to do."
"You're meant to be happy Noah. What about your happiness?"
"I can learn to be happy."
"Noah, you shouldn't have to learn to be happy; you should BE happy. You can't change who you are."
"I can try."
"Don't you hear how wrong that sounds? That's not natural; it's not the way it is supposed to be. Jordan loves you and you love him."
"I do."
"But you'll throw it away just for your parents."
"Jenn, you know it's not that simple."
"Noah, unfortunately it is that simple. Look, I wish you all the happiness in the world, but I know you, and I know one day you will come to regret this decision."
"I know I will. But it's just something I'll have to learn to live with for the rest of my life."
*** JORDAN ***
I've never felt so lost in my life. Never so unsure of my destiny. What do I do without Noah? How do I pick up the pieces and move on? I've spent the last two days lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. After I left Noah's place I went to a bar to have a drink. Then another. And another. I'm not sure how many I had or when I passed out. All I remember is waking up in Aiden's bed with a massive hangover. Aiden kept calling me that night to find out where I was. The bartender answered my phone and told him, so Aiden came and brought me back to his place. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since.
"Hey, get up, come eat something," Aiden says to me.
"I'm not in the mood, you go ahead."
"You need to eat something. Let's go."
"I'm fine, trust me." I say. Oh, how I wish I had my small, cramped, little dorm room right now. I want to run away and hide, curl up into a ball and not face the world.
"I'm not taking no for an answer. If you don't get up I'll bring food to you in bed and force it down your throat. I am dead serious."
"Please, Aiden just leave me be."
"Sorry dude, nice Aiden is on vacation. You're getting out of bed whether you like it or not. You know I can be just as stubborn as you."
"Fine, I'll come."
I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen.
"Once you're done eating you're going to school."
"I honestly don't feel like it man."
"Jordan, it's the last day of the school year. You only have these last remaining lectures. You're going to go. You need to get out of this place; you need a change of scenery. Getting out of here will be good for you. It will help you clear your head."
"And what good will that do?"
"Jordan, it'll help, trust me. Plus, you really should go to your review classes."
"I can get the notes from someone else."
"Jordan. I'm not taking no for an answer. Now go shower and shave. You really stink buddy."
After some convincing, Aiden manages to get me out of the house. I wasn't planning on going. I just have no energy for anything. But against my wishes, Aiden forces me out the door. He walks with me to class as well. I guess he doesn't trust I'll actually go. I'm tempted to turn around and walk back out when he leaves, but I don't. I'm here so I might as well stay. I walk in and notice Jenn sitting on the right side. I forgot we have the same class on Friday. She waves at me. I don't wave back. Instead I walk to the left side of the classroom and sit down in the far corner. I throw my stuff onto the floor and put my head down on the desk.
"Hey," a soft female voice says to me.
"Hi Jenn," I say without looking up.
"Mind if I sit here?"
"It's a free country," I say lifting my head up. I'm not angry with her; she did nothing wrong, but I don't feel like being chummy with her either.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine."
"Oh, well, just so you know, you look like utter crap."
I can't help but laugh. The comment breaks the ice between us. "Thanks. Been a bit of a rough week if you didn't know."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"How are you feeling?"
"I don't really know what the word is. For the first two days I felt surprised. I just didn't see it coming. I kept thinking about what I could have done differently. Now I just feel ... empty I guess."
"You know there are toys you can put up there for that," she says trying to be funny. "Sorry, I think maybe that was too soon."
"It's okay." I did actually find it a bit funny.
"I tried to convince him to change his mind."
"And?" I don't know why I ask. I already know the answer.
"Nothing. He wouldn't budge."
"He can be really stubborn," I say.
"I know, but we still love him."
"We do."
"So what are you going to do?"
"What can I do? I tried, you tried. We both failed. I don't see what else either one of us can do."
"You have to fight for this Jordan. I know Noah will regret this decision one day."
"I know he will. And as much as I want to fight for him Jenn, I'm not sure I should."
"What do you mean? Of course you should! Don't you want to be with him?"
"With all my heart."
"All the more reason to fight then."
"I have to respect his feelings. I can't be the guy that makes him choose between his family and me. I've thought a lot about this. If I am the reason he loses contact with his family then I'm not sure Noah will ever forgive me for that; he will always resent me for it. Personally, I also don't think I could live with that."
"But he wouldn't lose them because of you, he'd lose them because they are arrogant and stupid!" she says a bit too loudly.
"I know. But do you think Noah will see it that way?"
"I'm not sure."
"As much as I don't want to, I have to respect his decision."
"So what does this mean for you then in terms of your future?" she asks me.
"It means I'm taking a long-ass break and plan on being single for a long while. I need to figure out what to do with my life."
"Do you think you'll go back to dating girls or find another boyfriend?"
"I honestly don't know Jenn."
"Well we could always try round two?" she says with a laugh.
"I'll keep that in mind," I say with a smile.
"Life's a bitch."
"Tell me about it."
"I hope through all of this we can still be friends ..."
I can help but laugh. "Oh, Jenn."
"What's so funny? I'm serious!"
"I know you are. I just find it a bit ironic. When I broke up with you for Noah you didn't want to talk to me. Yet here we are after Noah breaks up with me and we're chatting like old friends. I never expected this."
"You're right, it is a weird situation. But I mean it. I know it's complicated with Noah, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. You really are a good guy, even though you dumped me."
"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
That makes her smile.
*** NOAH ***
Studying is usually easy for me. It's what I do. Yet, I've been sitting here for hours staring at the textbook in front of me, rereading the same page over and over again. Nothing is sinking in. It's been like this for days. I can't concentrate. I can't move on. My first exam was disastrous. I'd be surprised if I passed at all. I'm barely getting any sleep. I can't stand being in that bed anymore. All I do is just look at the empty spot beside me. Last night I tried sleeping on the floor but that didn't help either. I got rid of the other bed and the curtains in the living room. They too reminded me of him. Everything about that apartment reminds me of him. I spend most of my time away from there.
Right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to study. I'm waiting for Jenn. She was supposed to be here half an hour ago. She has notes from one of the classes I missed. Of course she's late.
"Noah!" I look up to find a strange guy at my table. "Hey, how are you?"
I have no idea who this is. He looks sort of familiar. "I'm fine ..." I say rather confused.
"You have no idea who I am, do you?"
"I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank. I know I've seen you before, but I can't remember where." He sort of looks like someone I know.
"It's me Jacob, from English class last semester."
"Of course!" And then I have my light bulb moment. I catch myself before I call him acne boy. "You look completely different."
"Yeah, I know. This is what I look like without acne."
"Wow. I'm sorry, I feel like a horrible person for not recognizing you," I say. Damn he cleans up well!
"Nah, it's okay. How have you been?"
"Good, good ... just busy with school and all. You?"
"Same. Just counting down the days until school is over," he says. "How is Jordan? I ran into him once after classes ended, but never saw him again."
"Um, okay I guess. I don't really see him much anymore," I say.
"Oh, sorry, I thought you two were friends from the way you guys talked in English class together."
"No, we were just working together."
"Gotcha. You know I always thought you two would make a great couple," he says.
"We aren't ..." I start to say.
"Oh no, I'm not implying anything, sorry. I just thought the two of you always looked kind of cute together in English class. You sort of, complemented each other. But that's just me being weird."
"I see." This is awkward.
"You know, I had wished Jordan had been my English partner, if only I had moved faster," he says.
Is he implying something here?
"Yeah, it was great working with him."
"Hey." A guy comes and wraps one arm around Jacob's waist. "Sorry I'm late."
"No worries. I ran into an old classmate. This is Noah from my English class. And Noah, this is my boyfriend Nick."
"Nice to meet you," he says to me.
"Nice to meet you too," I say. Okay so now that line makes sense.
"I'll let you get back to studying," Jacob says. "It was nice running into you. Bye!"
"Take care."
Wow that was ... that was ... weird. I would never have thought that he was acne boy from class! He looks so different, and so much better. What a small world. Without even thinking about it I pull out my phone and start to type a message to Jordan.
"You will not believe who I just ran ..."
Then I realize what I'm doing and stop. This probably isn't a good idea. I stare at the screen for a few minutes. I really want to hit the send button. It's been so long since I've spoken to him. But I delete the message and put my phone away.
I keep glancing over at the two of them. They look so happy together. They are sitting side by side in a booth. From the way they act, it seems like they are a new couple. No one even seems to notice them or care. They are lost in their own world, happy. And the world is letting them be. I can't help but be jealous. I could have had that, but I decided to chase it away. I'm lost in thought when Jenn finally arrives.
"Hey Noah!"
"About time!" I say to her annoyed.
"I'm just a few minutes late," she says casually.
"You're 45 minutes late. Learn how to tell time," I snap back at her.
"What's gotten into you?" she asks.
"I don't like people wasting my time," I say. "Do you have the notes?"
"Yes. Here, take them," she says throwing them in front of me.
"Thank you."
Ugh, this girl. She starts to get her stuff out and put it on the table. Of course she moves all my stuff around which pisses me off. When she's finally done, she takes out her pen and starts tapping it on the table annoyingly.
"Can you stop?" I ask her.
"What?"
"The pen! It's irritating."
"Fine. Geez, someone is in a mood."
I ignore her and go back to her really messy notes.
"So, you won't believe who I just saw outside!"
"Jenn, I don't care; I'm trying to study."
"What is up with you today?" she asks.
"What? I'm just trying to study."
"You're being a real prick, you know that, right?"
"I'm a prick? You're the one who shows up late, is loud, and won't stop talking!"
"Alright, I don't know what's going on with you today, but I'm going to go sit over there. Once you're done having your little hissy fit, call me back," she says getting up. She starts to grab her binder and papers.
"Wait, you're right. My mood is so off today. I'm sorry."
"What's going on with you?" she asks me.
"I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm just really stressed out about exams. None of this stuff is sticking in my head."
"I've seen you stressed out before, but you don't usually act like this."
"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"It's only been a week."
"I know." I tell her about acne boy and his boyfriend. "I'm jealous. Looking at them it just hurts more, you know?"
"Have you spoken to Jordan since that day?"
"No. You don't know how many times I've stared at his number on my phone. So many times I've wanted to hit the call button. But I know it's not a good idea. I thought he would text me at least to come pick up his stuff, but he hasn't. Have you spoken to him?"
"I saw him at our exam the other day. He looked okay. He's just busy with exams like everyone."
"That's good."
"Ok, we should concentrate on studying. I have a lot to do!" she says.
"Okay." I want to hear more about him but I know it's better to focus on studying.
Jenn is barely silent for even a minute. "Oh, I forgot to tell you who I met outside!"
It was someone dressed up in a giant Elmo costume. Why? I really don't know. But does it even matter? It was Elmo!
*** JORDAN ***
I've never been a nerd, but these past few days I've devoted myself, devoted my life, to my studies. I've sat at home studying every night. Studying helps. It keeps my mind focused. It keeps me occupied. It's a much needed distraction. Plus, I need to focus on what's important, and this is important. If I ever want to get into med school I need to step up my academic activities. I need to get serious about my life. Because of my dedication to studying, so far, my exams are going very well.
Aiden is surprised at my commitment. He's proud, but says I should take at least some breaks and go out. So far I have refused. But tonight I take his advice. My volleyball team is getting together at a pub to celebrate the season and I am going to join them. I know the chances of Sebastian being there are high, but I'm not going to let that stop me. Tonight is about having some fun. Besides, just as an extra layer of protection, I'm taking Aiden with me.
"You're wearing sweatpants?" Aiden says to me with a look of disbelief.
"Yeah ... what's wrong with sweatpants?"
"What isn't wrong with sweatpants? Dude, go change. Put on something decent."
"These are clean!"
"I said decent, and by the looks of it they aren't clean. Don't dress like a bum like you usually do. And that means no hoodies!"
I don't dress like a bum. I usually dress quite nicely I'd say. "But it's cold, I can take ..."
"No hoodies!"
"I don't have much else that's clean ..." I say. "My stuff is still at Noah's place."
"Right, sorry, forgot about that. Here, take something from me. These jeans should fit ... and here take this shirt."
"Is everything you own super tight?" I ask once I am dressed.
"It's called fitted, and it looks really good! Not everything is supposed to be baggy. You don't always have to look like a bum you know."
"I don't dress like a bum."
"Sure buddy, now let's go."
"Sure buddy ..." I mutter under my breath. "Stupid Aiden."
"Hey! I heard that."
"You were meant to."
—
A hot stuffy bar full of friends, people milling about, laughing and drinking. Flowing beer. Not a bad way to spend a Friday night. It was a good idea to get out of the house. Plus, I always like hanging out with my volleyball crew. Surprisingly, Sebastian is not here. I thought he would be, seeing how he is the out-going captain, and this team was his pride and joy. But I guess he has moved on. Trust me, I'm not disappointed.
"Thanks for dragging me out tonight," I say to Aiden.
"Anytime my man," he says patting me on the shoulder. "It's good to have a change of scenery once in a while."
"It is. I've had fun tonight."
"Jordan!" Liam, one of my teammates who wanted me to run for captain, says running up to me.
"Hey man, what's up?" I ask.
"Did you see Sebastian yet?" Liam asks.
"I haven't. I didn't even know he was here," I say.
"So you don't know!" Liam says excited.
"I don't know what?" I ask confused.
"Sebastian brought a date."
"Okay, and?" What's the big deal with that?
"It's a dude!"
"Oh, that's interesting." I feign surprise for the sake of my friend (he really is excited). But I'm not surprised at all. It sort of makes sense. It's probably the last time he's going to see these guys so might as well go out with a bang.
"I know, right? He's telling everyone he's been gay for years, and he finally decided to come out to the team before he leaves for Europe. I totally did not see that coming! I'll be back, going to see what others are saying." And without even pausing Liam darts back into the crowd.
"Well, that's an interesting turn of events," Aiden says.
"It is. Good for him. I'm glad he's comfortable enough to come out to everyone."
"Yeah, after ruining things for you."
"We don't know what he said to Noah," I say. I don't know why I am defending Sebastian.
"Well, from what I've heard from you, it probably wasn't good."
"It doesn't matter anymore. I've put Sebastian behind me now. I just want to forget about him and move on."
I notice Sebastian and his date a couple of times throughout the evening. They are really close to each other, holding hands, kissing, being affectionate, really acting like a new couple. I can tell Sebastian is enjoying this, the freedom of being who you are for everyone to see. There is barely a moment I don't notice a smile on his face. No one, as far as I can tell, is repulsed by him. Shocked yes, but that is about it. They are not turning him away. As much as I hate Sebastian, I feel happy for him. It's nice to see a gay guy happily accepted into society. If only Noah could see this.
For most of the night Aiden is beside me as we make our way through the crowd, talking to people. I'm not trying to avoid Sebastian but it seems like we continue to move in different directions; our paths never cross. It's only when Aiden takes off to use the washroom I notice Sebastian is right beside me.
"Hey Jordan," Sebastian says to me.
"Hi Sebastian."
"How are you?"
"Fine, how are you?" Might as well be civil. I have nothing to lose.
"I'm okay."
"You're the talk of the party tonight," I say.
"I know."
"Congrats, I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. It feels good, feels like a long time coming. And it's nice that everyone here is so accepting."
"We have good teammates. Where is your better half anyway?"
"Oh, he went to grab drinks. What about you? Who's the guy I see hanging by your side?"
"Oh, that's Aiden. He's a friend of mine."
"He's cute," Sebastian says. "Is he just a friend, or a boyfriend ...?"
"Just a friend," I say.
"That's too bad," Sebastian says.
"You helped chase off my boyfriend, remember?"
"Is that what Noah told you?"
"He didn't tell me anything. I didn't mean anything by it," I say. I'd rather not get into a fight with him tonight.
"If it easier for you to blame me then sure, go ahead, blame me," he says. "But I think you know I'm not the reason you two broke up."
"You were never on our side either," I say. "I never understood why you were so against me. We used to be friends."
"I think you can tell I'm a competitive guy," he starts.
"Yeah, I think we all know that."
"I like to win, and when I lose I sometimes can, well, become petty. When Noah ditched me for you, it pissed me off, especially since I had been so nice to him. Then it just seemed like you were trying to take my spot as captain, and well, that made me really angry."
"I was never trying to take your spot."
"I know. You're a good player, one of the best on the team. I saw you as a threat."
"So are you happy now that we broke up? Mission accomplished I guess."
"Honestly, at first, yeah that was my goal. I figured if I couldn't have Noah than I wouldn't let you have him either. But eventually I realized it didn't matter, and I backed off. It was Noah who came to me in the end, I didn't reach out to him."
I have to laugh at that. "He reached out because you sent that video! If you had backed off why send it then?" I'm having a hard time believing him.
"It goes back to seeing you as a threat. Chris really wanted to win, and I wanted him to win too. So I had leverage and I thought I would use it. My final shot at upstaging you. I know it was petty, I get that. But I didn't see it that way then. I didn't think it would lead to your breakup either. As I told Noah, I never intended to actually use the video."
Again I laugh. "Sorry, I find that a bit hard to believe."
"And that's fair. I think each person should decide when they come out; that is something that is deeply personal and that right should not be taken away from someone. It was only until Noah came to see me that night that I realized I crossed the line and that I shouldn't have sent it. And I'm sorry for that."
Wow an apology, I didn't see that coming. "It's a little too late to apologize now. The damage is done."
"I know and I don't expect you to forgive me. I acted like a douche, I'll admit to that."
"I won't argue with you on that one. It was interesting knowing you Sebastian."
"You too Jordan. I wish you the best of luck in the future."
Now that you're not in it, I might just have some luck. "You too."
Aiden arrives just as Sebastian leaves. "What did he want? Do I need to go and throw some punches?"
"No, no punches needed. He came by to apologize."
"Really? That's surprising."
It is surprising. I don't know what to make of that conversation. A large part of me doesn't believe him. He made my life hell this year. Does he honestly think he can sweep it all away with an apology? Is he even sincere? I don't think I will ever know. But you know what, it doesn't matter. I don't want to hold any malice in my heart. I'd rather just let this all go and finally move on. Goodbye Sebastian. I really hope we never meet again.
"It is," I say. "I could use a drink. Something stronger this time preferably ..."
*** NOAH ***
I keep staring at the phone. I've written this message a dozen times, yet I keep deleting it. Every time I write it out it seems wrong. I just don't how to express myself. This exercise has been going on for a few days now. Several times a day I do this. I should text him to ask him about his stuff. I can do this.
As I pick up my phone to text him I get a new message. It's from Jordan. My heart starts racing faster. I tap the screen to open it.
"Hi Noah. Hope you're okay and your exams are going well. I was just wondering if I could come by tonight to pick up my stuff?"
I stare at the screen. There are so many things I want to type back to him. Should I message him right away? I don't want him thinking I was just waiting by my phone. I wait 30 minutes and then text back "Sure."
He starts typing something back. Those dreaded dots on the screen! Oh, how I hate them. Hurry up! I am dying here!
"Great. Does six work for you?"
"That's fine." I type back.
"See you then."
See you then. Shit. See you then. My heart goes into overdrive. I don't know if I can face him alone. I text Jenn.
"Can you drop by around 5:30 tonight? Jordan's coming to pick up his stuff. I'll need your support."
—
For once in her life Jenn arrives on time.
"So you finally found the courage to message him," she says to me.
"Not exactly. He messaged me."
"Oh. How are you feeling about seeing him?"
"I'm not going to be here when he comes."
"You're going to leave?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I can't face him. I feel guilty for all of this, for starting all of this in the first place. For forcing him to move in here ... and then making him move out. And I know if I see him again ... I ... it's just going to be too hard."
"Normally I'd made a penis joke, but I'll refrain. Again Noah this is another sign you shouldn't do this. You have time to fix this. This is your last chance. Take it!"
"Jenn I've made up my mind."
"Then at least be here when he comes. You say you feel guilty, then don't run away."
"You don't know how much I want to see him ... touch his skin ... I ... I can't be around him."
"Ok. What do you need from me?"
"To give him back his rent money for April. He didn't live here so I don't feel right keeping it."
"Okay. Will do."
"And just say ... just say goodbye."
"This may be the last time you see him for a long, long time. Are you sure you don't want to be the one to say it?"
"I'm sure."
*** JORDAN ***
It's weird being back here. This place looks the same but it doesn't feel the same. I feel nervous. I'm excited to see Noah, but at the same time I'm dreading it. I can't tell which emotion is stronger. But I know which emotion takes over when the door opens: disappointment.
"He's not here is he?" I ask Jenn.
"No, he just left."
"Oh." He didn't even have the decency to see me off one last time.
"You're stuff is all piled on the table here," Jenn says to me. "Do you need any help taking it all down?"
"No, Aiden is waiting outside, I'll call him up to help."
Aiden insisted on coming. He figured this wouldn't be an easy thing to do on my own, and he was right. He also decided to wait downstairs to give Noah and me time to talk, but I guess that's not needed.
"I'm glad you're both here," I say to them.
"Always here to help," Aiden says.
We pack the few things I have left. Aiden offers to take them downstairs and call a cab.
"When do you leave?" Jenn asks me.
"Tomorrow. You?"
"I'm here for a few more days. Then I'm off to my parents' place."
"And then Europe."
"Yup. Here, Noah wanted me to give you this," she says handing over an envelope.
"What is it?" I say taking it. I look inside to find money.
"It's the rent you paid for April. Noah asked to give it back."
I fold up the envelope and put it in my pocket. "Thank you for being here tonight."
"Don't mention it. Do you want a moment alone?"
"Yeah, that'd be nice. Thank you."
"If you need anything I'll be downstairs."
"Thanks."
"I know I said this before, but I have to say it again. Please keep in touch. I'm only a text message away if you ever need anything." She gives me a hug. She may put up a tough act, but she is a softy at heart. She's a good person.
I walk through the apartment, looking at the familiar, yet strange place. This was home for a while. But for too short of a period. I still remember when Noah asked me to move in while at the airport. I was going home. We kissed in front of everyone and didn't care. It was such a fantastic moment, one I will never forget. I also remember subsequently fighting over it, and then just showing up at his doorstep in January. Yet here I am, the middle of April, moving out. And he's not even here to say goodbye.
This could have been home. It could have worked.
"Goodbye Noah," I say out loud to the empty room.
"Hi Jordan."
I turn around towards the door.
"Noah ..."
End of Chapter 22.
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