The following story is a work of fiction and does not represent any living person. The story contains sex between two consenting adult men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Hello Everyone.
Thanks for sticking around to read the latest instalment of Noah and Jordan. I hope that wait wasn't too long. I actually wrote this chapter, got it edited, and was about to publish it, but then decided to re-write a large chunk of it. So please do let me know what you think. My e-mail address is mr_e08@hotmail.com.
Thanks to Lisa for editing this (twice). And for those who gave me their input.
Enjoy!
------------- Chapter 17 -------------
*** JORDAN ***
If only I could hit the rewind button. Undo. Control Z. I would do anything. I just want to erase this night, pretend like it never happened. Maybe then I won't feel like a gigantic moron. I honestly feel like taking my head and banging it against the wall. How could such a simple day turn out so bad? I was just supposed to meet up with Aiden, then go home, and like any other night, talk to Noah on the phone for a bit, then go to bed. Instead here I am lying on the coach, with a splitting headache, and bitterness in my heart. Besides feeling stupid, I also feel angry.
They really do need to make an undo button for life.
It all started earlier tonight when I was at Aiden's house and he told me he was moving to the city ...
--- Earlier that day ---
Oh crap ...
Actually, crap isn't a strong enough word. Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! Aiden will be in the same city as me? Not only the same city but the damn same area! Fuck! What the hell am I supposed to do? On the one hand this is a good thing; he will be around all the time. On the other hand this is a really, really bad thing; he will be around all the time. What am I going to do? What about Noah? How will I hide Noah from Aiden? Shit!
"Um, yeah, you and me, just like old times," I start to say, "that's ah, it's, um, going to be awesome." It's going to be really bad.
"I know. I'm really looking forward to it," Aiden says. "I miss hanging out with you and the old crew. As much as I love Australia it's not the same without you guys. Plus I am still close to home, but not that close either, so it's perfect."
It is far from perfect. "I know what you mean ..."
"So then are you still not going to tell me how things are going with your girlfriend?"
Ah fuck not this still. I had thought about telling Aiden about Noah but I can't tell him now. I have to figure out first what all of this means. Maybe it makes sense telling him, maybe it doesn't. I don't know. Right now I don't know anything. I just need to steer clear of this topic for tonight and go home and think.
"Nope," I say to him, "you'll just have to wait and see for yourself."
"Fine then, I will."
We manage to avoid the topic of dating and talk about other stuff. I get a text message from Noah but I don't read it. I don't want Aiden to see my reaction. I really do not want to start that conversation again. I barely pay any attention to the movie. I don't even know what it's called. I just keep thinking of Aiden moving to the city. Everything was perfect before. I was far away from here, far away from my other life. But now that separation is going to disappear. And it happens when I am finally able to move on with Noah. I am finally feeling more courageous to be with him in public. Maybe one day hold his hand as we walk down the street. Live together. But now É now those plans are ruined. Gone. Do I still move in with Noah? I guess I could, two platonic friends can live together. But Noah has a one bedroom apartment, which doesn't seem very platonic, especially if all my stuff is in his bedroom. I could say I am renting out the family room. But there is no bed there and that doesn't seem very realistic. What if Aiden comes over one day? It would become obvious really fast Noah and I are living together as a couple. I really have no idea what I am going to do.
I don't even realize when the movie ends.
"Yo dude, movies done," Aiden says slapping me on the shoulder.
"Oh yeah ..." I say coming out of my daze.
"You seem like you were in a deep thought."
"No, just really tired man. I think I am going to head on home."
"Dude, it's only 12! Where is the Jordan I went to high school with, the party animal? Let's go out to a bar or something."
"Honestly man I have to pass. It's been a long day." Way too long.
"Whatever, you're on vacation, suck it up!"
"I would, you know man I would, just not tonight," I insist.
"You okay man? You do seem a bit off today? You've been awfully quiet tonight ..." Aiden asks me in a serious tone.
"I am fine. Just tired."
"I don't know man, I wasn't going to say anything but something seems different about you ... you've changed somehow."
"Dude trust me, I'm still the same guy."
"Okay, if you say so. I hope you're more fun than this when you're back in the city," he says.
"I am man, and I promise I'll make this up later okay?"
"It's all good dude. Good night, Grandpa."
"Good night man."
Wow what a night É what a night. I walk outside into the cold winter air, and stare up at the full moon illuminating the sky. I really did not expect tonight to turn out the way it did. Why is it that when everything starts to seem a bit more clear, it all of a sudden gets fuzzy again? Maybe it's just my luck. Maybe it's karma kicking me in the ass for something I did when I was a child. Whatever it is, I really just can't catch a break.
I get into my car and take out my phone to check Noah's message, which reads: "You have no need to worry, my date did not go well."
I respond back to him, "Good cause neither did my night. Call you when I get home."
It's only a short drive back to my house. My mom is asleep by the time I am back. I change my clothes and grab my blanket from my room and head downstairs to the couch; I don't want to disturb my mom or for her to overhear anything. Once I am comfortable I give Noah a call. I have a strong feeling this conversation is not going to go well.
"Hey," he says answering the phone.
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"Oh nothing much, I was just reading."
"Is nerd mode always on?"
"Nerds are cool, and there isn't much else to do. Hey hold on a sec." I hear some noise in the background I can't make out. "Back, sorry."
"All good?"
"Yeah, just my brother calling me downstairs to watch a movie," he says.
"You should go," I say to him.
"I'll go in a bit; it usually takes them a while to start as it is."
"Okay, so how did your big date go?" I tease him.
"You know most people in a relationship wouldn't so happily ask that question."
"I'm not most people."
"Ha, yeah, you're far crazier. Um, the night went well. The girl was actually really nice, smart, funny, good looking, and the time just flew by ..."
"Wait," I cut him off, "I thought you said I had no need to be worried?"
"Is someone jealous?" he mocks me.
"Yeah, sure buddy. So what went wrong?"
"She offered me her number."
"Oh no," I say over-dramatically, "that's just terrible!"
"Enough with the melodrama."
"You know you like it. So what's the big deal she gave you her number? You could be friends, granted with my approval of course."
"Of course," he says sarcastically, "but I don't think your approval will be needed. I told her I was dating and she was kind of pissed I didn't mention that before."
"It couldn't have been that bad," I say.
"Well, by the way she slammed the door shut when she got out my car ... let's just say I don't think she will answer the phone even if I do call."
"Ah, well, your loss, my gain."
"And how is that?"
"I know you won't easily be seduced by some girl and ditch me."
"Not if my mom can help it."
"Oh, I can take her on any day," I say with a smug voice.
"Oh really? You clearly haven't met my mom yet."
"No, but she can try all she wants to drag you away from me, I've got one thing that will always make you come right back, guaranteed."
"And what is that?" he asks with curiosity in his voice.
"Oh you know, my ..."
"Hang on a sec," Noah says cutting me off. "Yeah É okay É in a sec É no one É no É no É nothing É you don't know them É no É just start without me É why not? É okay É a few minutes É a few É just two minutes É yeah, just two. Hey, sorry I'm back," he says to me.
"All good?" I ask.
"Yeah, just my mom calling me to go downstairs. She was very curious to know who I was talking to. I told her no one she knows."
"You can take off if you have to," I say to Noah.
"That's fine. I'd much rather talk to you. So what exactly do you have that will always make me come back?"
"You know, it's long, hard, and fits perfectly into certain tight spaces, over and over, and over again ..." I say in my most seductive voice.
"Oh, I got all excited; you're only talking about that small, little ..."
"Hey, who you callin' small? I don't remember you complaining when I had you bent over the bed."
"Wow, someone is sure defencive tonight," he says with a smile in his voice.
"Always. But going back to your earlier comment. Small? Someone clearly needs a hands-on reminder."
"Sure, anytime, anyplace."
"I'll take you up on that," I say. "Small, I'll show you small! We'll see what you think when I have you screaming my name."
"You're acting awfully weird tonight even for yourself, you know that right?"
"Some people call it character." I am acting very odd tonight and I'm not even drunk.
"Uh-huh, or craziness."
"Just the way you like it. All. Night. Long."
"Okay, so changing topics ... how was your night with Aiden? You texted me that it wasn't good."
"It was ah, interesting, and not in a good way."
"How so?" he asks me. "Ah crap, hang on, I'm being called again."
I can hear some yelling in the background but can't really make out what is being said.
"Noah, you still there?" I ask. Nothing. He still seems to be arguing.
"Hey sorry. I'm going to call you back in five minutes," Noah says to me. "Don't you fall asleep on me, okay?"
"Okay."
That was odd. I'm not sure what is going on with Noah's family. I know he said they can be intrusive, but this just seems over the top intrusive. Givethe guy some privacy! I just wish I could talk to him uninterrupted. It is nights like this that his absence is unbearable. Since Aiden told me he is moving to town I have been freaking out. What happens if he finds out about me? What happens if he then tells other people? My mind is so muddled I can really use Noah's advice. Then there is the other issue of moving in with Noah. I've been acting quirky tonight so to ease the blow when I tell him, for what the third time, that we shouldn't move in together. If he didn't hate me before, well, he will probably hate me now. This is going to be a long night.
*** NOAH ***
"Noah, we're all waiting for you to start the movie," my mom yells from the bottom of the stairs.
"I told you mom you can start without me. I'll be down in a bit, okay?"
"What is so important that can't wait until tomorrow? You and your siblings all leave in a few days. You can be on the phone all you want then. At least spend time with us while you are here."
This is why I left home. This is exactly why I left. My mom can't just ever let me be. It's been this way since as far back as I can remember. She always wants us close by and around her. Growing up she smothered us, and made us stick mainly with family. That's why I never really had any friends growing up. She wanted us to be at home, watching television, somewhere under her protective eye. I would never go out and play sports with the local children. That also explains why I suck at sports. Always I fold. But I am in my 20s now and I just can't always bend at her will.
"Mom, I'll be there, give me 10 minutes okay."
We argue for a few more minutes. She won't let me live in peace, I know it. I have to get out of here or my brain will explode she is irritating me so much.
"Hey sorry. I'm going to call you back in five minutes," I say to Jordan. "Don't you fall asleep on me, okay?"
I grab my keys and wallet and run down the stairs.
"Hey, I just forgot I need to grab something from the drugstore before it closes. I'll be back in five minutes. Bye!" I blurt out quickly, and then shut the door behind me. I don't want to give anyone time to respond.
The only place open right now is the drugstore so I head there. It is way too cold outside to sit in the car. I know I could speak with Jordan tomorrow but I've had such a crappy day, that all I want to do his hear my boyfriend's voice on the phone. Is that really too much to ask? And something is up with him. He seems off. I am assuming it has to do with his night out with Aiden.
Once I am inside the store I whip out my phone.
"Hey, sorry about that," I say to him.
"No problem. What's all that noise in the background? Where are you?"
"The drugstore."
"Uh, why?"
"I needed to get out of the house. I have no privacy there and my mom was annoying the hell out of me."
"So you chose the drugstore?"
"It's the only place open this hour. It's almost 10 o'clock here."
"Okay, well pick me up something nice while you're there. Something preferably for that long and hard thing I told you about."
"Sure thing."
"So, is everything okay with you and your family?" Jordan asks me.
"It's fine. This is all normal. My mom has always been this overprotective."
"That's normal?"
"Yep. She's been like this since we were children. That probably explains why I am as socially awkward as I am."
"In part it does."
"In most cases I would have just gone down and watched the movie with them, but I am still so pissed at her for setting me up on that date. She really needs to learn to stop now. This can't go on for much longer."
"So this is you taking a stand?"
"Sort of. I am just tired of it all Jordan."
"Well you're only there for a few more days."
"I know, that is what keeps me going. And then I'll be back, and we will be together in the same house. Honestly, that is what gives me strength, just knowing I'll be living with you." Jordan doesn't say anything in response. All I hear is a sigh. "Is everything okay?"
"No."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm so sorry Noah, but I don't think I can move in with you."
What the fuck?
*** JORDAN ***
This is a bad idea. My brain is screaming at me that this is a terrible idea. But I have to do it. I have to tell him. I can't lead him on. He just sounds so full of hope. I hate to be the one to crush it. If I wait until tomorrow I know I will only make it worse. He will know that I was hiding this from him from the night before and then be really angry. The thing is, he should understand. Out of all people he should understand. He has to know that fear in my heart, those butterflies in my stomach. If he truly loves me he will understand.
"I'm so sorry Noah but I don't think I can move in with you." I pause to let that sink in. He doesn't say anything so I continue. "I really want to, you know that, but I can't because of Aiden."
"What does he have to do with this?"
"He's moving to the city for the next four month to do his co-op placement. He'll be living close to our campus."
"Okay, so?" Clearly there is a lot of anger in his voice.
"So, he'll be around and he doesn't know anything É and ..."
"Jenn didn't know anything," he interjects.
"And how long did that last?"
"That was a different story. She found out we were friends, not the other part. And you were the one who told her."
"It will be so much harder for us to hide that we're a couple," I say.
"So you're just giving up then?"
"I'm not giving up Noah; I would never give up on us. You know it's not like that."
There is a short pause before Noah speaks again. "Look," he lets out a deep sigh, "I get the feeling Jordan that you're the one who doesn't want to live together, and you're only finding excuses not to."
"Noah you know that's not true," I say in my defence.
"I don't know what to believe anymore. It's just been one thing after the other. And you know what? It's my fault. I've been such an idiot. I've been forcing you to do something you clearly don't want to do. It's my fault for suggesting this in the first place and then pushing it on you again, and again. I'm the idiot for not seeing the signs. They've been so clear, you've been so clear. That's fine. I won't bring it up after this. I'm sorry."
"Noah that's not the reason, you know I want to move in with you."
"Look its fine. Anyway, it's late and I really have to get back home. We'll talk later."
"Noah, just talk this out with me."
"Another time."
He won't listen. "Fine."
"Bye."
"Bye."
He didn't understand. I thought he would. Out of all the people out there I thought he would. Instead he made it about him and how it was his fault for asking. He doubted that I even actually wanted to live with him. And then on top of that, he accused me of lying to him. It's like he doesn't even know me at all.
I can't say which I feel more of, anger or disappointment. I thought he would be supportive like I was. I was there for him when he didn't want Jenn to know about us. I tried my best to make sure she didn't find out. We didn't even go out on dates; we kept ourselves sheltered. I know that also suited me as well, but I did it all for him. I did it because I knew the paranoia he felt, the fear of thinking someone would find out. I was there to support him, but he is not here to support me now.
He should know that feeling of dread, that feeling of uncertainty, and wondering what your best friend will think of you. He should know that awful feeling that they may end up hating you. That feeling that all you worked up to build in a lifetime could be gone in an instant. He should know that. I was hoping he would give me guidance, support me, and help me through this difficult decision. I guess I am on my own.
*** NOAH ***
Argh! I am so annoyed right now, I want to scream. I'm such an idiot! I saw the signs; they were so visible. Jordan doesn't want to move in together, that's so obvious. First it was him not being clean, then the money, and now this. It was all an act to get out of his commitment. I can't believe I didn't realize it before. And I kept pushing him like a moron to go for it. Damn it, I want to punch myself for being so stupid.
I leave the drugstore and drive back home. On my way back my phone starts to ring; it's probably Jordan again. I honestly don't want to talk to him right now. I let it go to voicemail. It rings again. And again. Dammit, just leave me the fuck alone for a few minutes! I park the car and head inside, where much to my dismay I am greeted by my mother.
"Where were you for so long? I called you but you weren't answering your phone."
So it was her calling. "I was out mom, I told you, I had to go grab some stuff," I say in a rather annoyed voice.
"You didn't come back with anything," she says.
"They were out, I'll go back tomorrow." Ugh, the million questions! I start to make my way towards the stairs.
"What's going on with you?"
"Nothing." I say turning around.
"Your mood is off; you're all snappy and short with me."
"Nothing is wrong," I say to her in what does sound like an annoyed voice.
"Watch your tone Noah. Is this all because I set you up on that date today?"
Yes. Because you won't stop meddling in my life! "No it's not. It's nothing. I'm fine. Look mom, I'm tired, can we talk tomorrow?"
"Why didn't you just tell me the truth from the beginning?"
"What?" What is she talking about?
"My friend Beth called me."
"So?"
"She told me Sophia said you're not interested because you already have a girlfriend."
Ah that stupid little É "Mom she is just angry because I wasn't interested in her."
"And why aren't you interested in her? What's wrong with her? She's good looking, smart ..."
I cut my mom off. "Honestly mom I don't want to have this conversation right now." I don't have the patience to deal with this or I will really snap.
"So is it true, did you lie to me? Are you seeing someone?"
"Do you not believe your own son? You believe your friend's daughter more than me?"
"I never said that."
"You implied it."
"You didn't answer my question. So that means you are seeing someone."
"Yes I am! Are you happy now?" Now I am out right yelling. My brother and sister have come out into the hallway too.
"Noah calm down," my sister says to me.
"No, I'm just tired of her meddling in my life. Yes I am angry about the date. I never asked you to do that. I can find someone on my own. I am not incompetent. I know you already think so because I'm not getting a fancy degree. Just let me live my own damn life!"
Before anyone can say anything I run up the stairs and into my room. I shut the door and lock it. What a miserable night it's been! I sit down on my bed, my head in my hands, staring at the floor. There is so much going on I don't even know where to begin. There is the drama with my mom, and then Jordan lying to me. At first I was just waiting until I got back home, but now even that is tainted. It just felt so right asking him to move in. And the excitement in me when he said yes; it feel so good. I'm not even angry that he doesn't want to live together, I'm angry that he lied to me. Why did he say yes? We even talked about it again and again and again, and he said yes, he said he really wanted to. He keeps saying he really wants to, but he doesn't. Why can't he just be straight with me?
I've barely finished my thought when someone knocks on my door. Oh God, not her again. Honestly I am really running out of patience.
"Noah you okay?" It's my brother.
"I'm fine." I reply in a calm voice.
"Can I come in?" he asks.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Just open the door."
Talking to my brother usually helps, so I get up and unlock the door. He comes in and closes it behind him.
"What's up?" I say to him.
"What's going on with you?" he asks.
"Nothing."
"You're not one to get angry and storm away."
"I just can't stand her sometimes." He knows I am talking about mom.
"I know she can be really pushy at times, but she cares."
"I know she does, but I'm old enough to live my life. I don't need her setting me up on dates."
"She did that to me too you know."
"I know."
"She cares about you."
"I know she does, but sometimes it's just too much," I say to him.
"So why didn't you just tell her you were dating in the first place? You could have avoided all of this."
"I know. But there still would have been drama. There always is. Besides, I didn't want to tell her. She pries so much. It's a new relationship, not serious at all," okay I lie there, "and I don't want her to get all excited over nothing."
"Is it someone she wouldn't approve of?"
Yes, yes, and hell yes. "With how high her standards are, who knows, but that's not why I hid it from her."
"Why didn't you tell me even?"
"It's nothing serious. I just started dating a few days ago. I didn't think there was much to tell." I don't know what else to say. I have to lie to him.
"So is that who you've been on the phone with all this time?"
"For the most part."
"I figured. You've never really been the social one, always with your phone attached to your hip. So I thought it must be some girl."
He's right, I've never used my phone as much as I do now. Before meeting Jordan the main person I called or texted all the time was Jenn.
"Mom's probably really pissed."
"She is. Look Noah, you're only here for a few more days, try your best to get along."
"I really don't want to talk to her."
"She's your mom."
"So? That excuses her for all of her behaviour?"
"No, but you know how she is."
"I'll think about it," I say to him.
"Okay. So is everything else okay?" he asks me.
"Yeah, everything else is fine."
"You seemed really upset when you came back home tonight. And the way you just took off earlier tonight, it was weird."
"I just needed to sort some stuff out. It's all good now."
He looks at me, and his facial expression makes it seem like he doesn't believe what I am saying. "Okay, if you say so. If you need to talk you know where to find me. In the meantime, I'm off to bed. Think about what I said. Good night."
"Thanks. Night."
I grab my phone from my pocket which has been vibrating because of missed calls and messages. The first is from my mom wondering where I am. The second is from her, but she hangs up before recording anything. There is no message from Jordan.
I shut off my phone and put it on the night stand. I don't want to think about anything tonight.
It was the only thing I thought about all night. Again and again I kept replaying it all in my brain. Our kiss at the airport. Me asking Jordan to move in. Last night's fight. The argument with my mom. I barely got any sleep. I kept tossing and turning in bed. The fight with my mom led me to just think about my overall future with my family. I have to tell them eventually. I have to. But they would never accept me. My mom is too religious to ever let me be. She would probably think I am possessed and send me for healing or something. I just don't see a way for us to all coexist together peacefully. But I do love my family. I know I complain about them, and they do have their faults, but they are all I have. I can't imagine losing them. I really would be all alone then. But I have to be true to myself. It doesn't seem like there is any happy balance.
There is a soft knock on my door. "Hey Noah, can I come in?" my brother asks.
"Come in," I say.
"So are you going to stay in bed all day?" he asks me while shutting the door behind him. He comes and sits down on the bed next to me.
"It's only 11 o'clock," I say.
"You can't avoid mom forever."
"I could just stay in bed until I leave."
"So will you try to make amends?"
"I don't know."
"I talked to her. All she wants is an apology."
"For what? She's the one who should be apologizing to me."
"You were kind of rude."
"Well, she shouldn't have interfered so much."
"You know that won't ever change."
"But it has to."
"Look, you're only here for a few more days, then you go back and you'll be away from all of this."
"So the answer is to run?"
"No. But it is the best way forward. She used to bug me too, but once you are married and settled down, she isn't that bad. She doesn't bug me as much anymore. Honestly, we've all been down this path before. Just apologize, and make it through the week." I can tell he knows I am reluctant so he adds; "Don't do it for her, do it for me. You owe me that much."
I probably do. He has helped me out a lot over the years. "Fine. I'll apologize then bite my lip for the rest of the week."
"Go talk to her."
"Fine."
After getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, and washing up, I make my way downstairs. When I enter the kitchen my mom doesn't say anything to me. The first sign that she is still angry.
"I'm sorry for the way I behaved last night," I say to her.
No reply.
"I know my tone was rude, and I should not have yelled at you," I continue.
Still nothing. The silent treatment.
"I was kind of angry you set me up on that date, but I shouldn't have snapped at you. I know you're just trying to help," I say.
Silence.
"So you're not going to talk to me?" I ask her."Okay," I continue, "I didn't tell you I was dating because I didn't want to get your hopes up. And the thing is, I've only gone on one date, so it is not really serious, but I want to give it a try."
She doesn't say anything. I sit there for a few more minutes before I head back up to my room, where my brother is still waiting for me.
"I tried. She didn't say anything."
"She'll come around," he says.
I just shrug my shoulders and drop back onto my bed.
In the afternoon my mom and siblings go out to grab some groceries. It's New Year's Eve tonight and everything closes early. I take the opportunity to give Jenn a call.
"Hey freak," I say to her.
"Hey bigger freak," she replies. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"Oh, can't complain. How's the vacation going?"
"Okay. The constant battle with my parents continues."
"As always," she says. "But you're still alive."
"Barely. Had a fight with my mom yesterday; she set me up on a blind date."
She finds this amusing. "Oh, and how did it go?"
"I'll stick with men, thanks. But, it went surprisingly well actually, until I told her I was in a relationship. She then went and told her mom, who told my mom."
"Bitch."
"Yup. Led to a huge fight with my mom. I spent the morning trying to smooth it over with her."
"And how did that go?"
"She gave me the silent treatment. She'll probably come around in a day or two."
"So it's been an eventful few days," she says.
"There's more. I also had a fight with Jordan yesterday too."
"You've been really busy."
"Yeah, I'll say."
"So what did you fight about? Is he angry you went on a date?"
"No, he thought it was funny actually," I say.
"So what happened? How did you screw up?"
"Wait, what! Why do you think I screwed up?"
"Just a hunch. So what did you fight about?"
"Us living together." I go through the whole conversation with Jenn, about Jordan being worried about being messy, then about the money issues, and then about Aiden moving to the city. "So I told him it was my fault, and that I wouldn't bring up the topic again."
"And what did he say?" she asks me.
"Nothing we ended the conversation there."
"Have you talked to him since?" she asks.
"No. My phone is off. I'm calling you from the house line. I'm still really angry with him. Was I an idiot for asking him to move in with me?"
"No," she says, "I don't think so. I think it would have been good for the two of you; you really could have taken your relationship to the next level."
"Exactly, that is what I thought. And the thing is, it's not just the excuses that bug me, but the fact that he isn't willing to put in the effort. He's giving up on us without even trying. What does that mean for the future? I thought he was finally getting to a place where he could be comfortable with who he is, but maybe I am mistaken, maybe he isn't."
"That is a possibility. It is part of the risks of being with him I guess."
"All of this has been going so fast. Maybe it's a good thing we just slow everything down. I feel like an idiot now even telling him I love him."
"Look, there is no point in beating yourself up, and going over the past. You need to figure out where you go from here."
"I don't know Jenn. This is big for me. This is a trust issue, and I don't know if I really trust him right now." I go on to tell her about the fact that Jordan didn't tell me he met with his ex-girlfriend Kate either. "And I forgave him for that, but how often can I keep forgiving him without becoming a doormat?"
We continue talking until my family comes home. We don't seem to come to any consensus on what to do. She agrees with me that I have a right to be angry. I guess the plan is I wait for Jordan to make the first move and see what he says.
The rest of the day goes by and I don't hear from him. So does the next day. And the next day ...
*** JORDAN ***
I thought I would have heard from him by now. It's been five days, but nothing. I really thought Noah would call. I guess the true idiot in this relationship is me. He still doesn't get it. He still is making this all about himself. He doesn't see my side and how much I care for him, and how much I need him right now. He just doesn't understand.
A few times I've thought about picking up the phone and calling him, but each time I convince myself not to. I always make the effort with him; I always put my hand out first. I've started thinking, could this be the end of us? Say if Noah never calls? Could this fight lead to our break-up? While at first I doubted that, as each day passes, it starts to feel more and more like a possibility. Deep in my heart I know this isn't the end, but I can't stop myself from thinking about it. Then I start to feel sick, and full of dread.
The night before I had convinced myself Noah would never call. I was sure our relationship was over. I then started to think what I would do next. Would I go back to dating girls? Or would I find another boyfriend? I was trying to convince myself I would go back to my old life, and pretend like all this never happened. But I know that isn't possible. These past few months I have started to notice men more. I wouldn't admit that to myself fully at first, and usually just brushed it aside, but I knew it was happening. I feel attracted to other guys. At first when I was confused about my feelings for Noah I would go online and watch straight porn. I thought watching naked women would do the trick. But I found more and more I was paying attention to the guy than the girl. I became aroused by the guy's chest, his abs, his muscled arms, his dick. Then when I started dating Noah I switched to watching gay porn exclusively. I used to tell myself all I had was just an attraction to Noah and not men in general. But I know now that is not true. I can never just go back to just being straight.
As I wondered what my future would be I realized there is only one future I want, one with Noah in it. I really don't want to lose him. Maybe I should just call him. No. I can't. I have to stay strong!
My train of thought is broken by the door bell. I hear my mom calling my name. I manage to roll out of bed and make my way to the stairs. It is Aiden. He has come over to see how I am.
I haven't actually spoken to him much in the past few days. He wanted to go out on New Year's Eve but I turned him down. I told him I was coming down with a cold. I just haven't felt up to it. I've spent the majority of the past few days in bed. Even my mom is starting to get worried. I don't think she buys my 'I have a cold' story.
I motion Aiden to come upstairs to my room.
"Hey," I say to him when he walks in.
"Hey man, how are you feeling?"
"A bit better."
"Well you look like crap," he says to me.
"Thanks for the compliment."
"No problem."
We talk for quite a while about random things. Mid-way through our conversation he gets a bit more serious.
"Are you expecting an important call or something?" Aiden asks me.
"No, why?"
"You keep looking at your phone every few minutes."
"Oh, just checking the time." I keep looking to see if I missed a call from Noah. Still he hasn't called.
"What are you counting down the minutes till I leave?"
"No, just looking at the time."
"Is everything okay with you?" His tone changes when he asks me the question.
"Yeah, everything is fine."
"I know you said you're not well, but there is something off about you. You seem down, low on energy."
"Just this cold man."
"Seems like more than that. Ever since you came over to my place, you've been acting odd."
"All is well," I say, trying to convince him.
"Spill it, what's going on?"
"What?"
"Dude I'm not fucking with you, I know you better than that. I've seen your hideous face since we were children. I can tell something is up."
He does know me too well. I might as well talk to him. I need to talk to someone about all of this. "Relationship issues. We had our first big fight."
"Ah, girl problems. I thought so. Explains a lot. So how did you screw up?"
"How come you think I screwed up?"
"Just a hunch."
"Well I guess it is sort of my fault. I'm an idiot who doesn't know when to shut up." I don't know what to say to Aiden. I don't want to tell him about how Noah and I were supposed to move in together.
"It's probably not as bad as you're making it out to be. What did you do?"
I ignore his question on purpose. "We haven't spoken in five days. I'm not sure but this may be the end."
"Look all couples fight, I'm sure it's no big deal, and that you can patch things up. Sometimes when you keep thinking about something you make it seem worse than it is. I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"I hope you're right. The thing is it feels bigger than just one fight, sometimes I feel like the world is against us."
"Why do you say that?"
"I don't know. It's just, I find this hasn't been an easy relationship, I've really had to work hard for it."
"No relationship is easy. And it's usually the good ones you have to work hard for. And I'm sure the world isn't against you, but sometimes you have to struggle a bit to get what you want. But I have to say, what is up with this relationship? You've always talked about some weird cryptic issues. Even when you wanted to date you had some odd obstacles. What exactly is the problem?"
Shit, what the hell do I say to him? I don't know how I would possibly explain anything without outing myself. I'm drawing blanks here. Nothing is coming to me. Think Jordan think! Shit. Nothing. I just sit there in silence as he stares at me. I can only muster a few words. "It's, um, complicated."
And then the phone rings.
My eyes dart to the display hoping it is him. But it is not. It's someone else. Why is she calling me?
"Is that her?" Aiden asks. Before I can say anything he gets up and heads to the door. "Good luck man. I hope you can patch things up. I'll catch you later okay. Now answer it before she hangs up!" And with that he walks out.
I'm just left there sitting on my bed confused.
"Hello?" I say answering the phone.
"Hey Jordan, it is me Jenn."
"Hi Jenn."
"This isn't a bad time is it? I can call back if you're busy."
"No, that's fine. What's up?"
"You're probably surprised to hear from me."
"Yeah, a bit."
"I called because I wanted to talk to you about Noah. He told me about your fight."
Ah, so that's why she called. He doesn't have the guts to call me so he gets her to. Real nice Noah.
"Okay ..." I say rather annoyed.
"He didn't ask me to call; he doesn't even know I am calling actually."
"So then why are you calling?"
"I talked to him today, and he mentioned you guys still haven't spoken, so I thought I would try to see if I could mend things."
"Well, it is rather simple actually. You can tell him to call me. He knows my number, and we can talk. Otherwise I don't have much to say to you."
"He's not going to call you. He's stubborn that way."
"Then I guess there really isn't much to talk about. Thanks for trying though."
"Look Jordan, I do really want to help. You know how awkward this is for me. You're my former boyfriend, who broke up with me to date my best friend. There was a time when I didn't think I would ever speak to you again, yet here I am on the phone with you, trying to fix your relationship, the one you left me for."
She has a point. I am surprised she called in the first place. "You're right. Look Jenn, I always cave in. I always make the first move and I can't do that all the time. This time he is wrong and he has to know that."
"I've only heard his part of the story so I don't know who is right or wrong. I can just tell you where he is coming from. He's really disappointed that you've decided not to move in together. He feels like you never wanted to in the first place and just keep making excuses."
"If he had let me explain I could have told him why I have to back out. When he told me at the airport to move in my head was in a million places. He had just told me he loves me, I had just said the same thing back to him, which was absolutely huge for me, and then I kissed him in front of everyone. There was a lot going on, and when he asked me to move in, I said yes. It only later dawned on me when I talked to my mom that I might not be able to financially afford this. You know very well that I am not financially well off, and Noah knows this too. My mom is working her ass off trying to support us both. I can't ask her for more. That's not fair to her. And then there is the whole issue of Aiden, and this is why I am angry with Noah. If we live together there is a strong possibility Aiden could find out. You tell me, two guys living in a one-bedroom apartment, how platonic does that seem?"
"It doesn't seem very platonic ..."
"Exactly. My stuff would be in his room, and we would only have one bed. If Aiden ever came over he would find out. Ever since Aiden told me he is moving to the city I have been freaking out that he might find out. I then start wondering if he will accept me or not, or if he will tell the rest of my friends. I'm not sure I am ready or at that stage to come out yet. I only started having feelings for a guy, what a few months ago? I've only dated Noah for a short time too. And the thing is, Noah should understand all of this. I know how frightened he was when he told you. I was also there for him when he wanted to hide our relationship. We didn't go out anywhere, even as friends, because he didn't want you to find out. I helped him out in every way I could. And now when it is my turn, he accuses me of deceiving him and gets mad at me? How is that fair? That was the hour that I needed him the most. I thought I could turn to him for advice, but he just totally ignored me. How am I supposed to know I can depend on him in the future?"
"I never thought about it that way Jordan."
"So tell me now, should I call him or should he call me?"
She pauses. "He should call you."
"I thought so."
"I'll talk to him," Jenn says.
"But what's the point in that?" I ask her.
"I don't get what you mean. This way Noah will know how you feel and ..."
I cut her off. "But he will know because you told him. This is something he should realize on his own."
"Let me talk to him. He's just been having a very hard time at home right now with his mom and dad. He was really looking forward to living with you, and I think all of this has just impaired his judgement a bit. He really cares for you."
"I care for him too."
"I know you do. I'll talk to him. It will all work out."
"You're a good friend. Noah is lucky to have you."
"Thanks. I'll talk to you later. Take care."
"Bye."
And now I play the waiting game.
*** NOAH ***
Two more hours. Only 120 minutes and I will be free! Actually I will be boarding a plane and heading back to my apartment. My vacation hasn't been terrible, but probably not one of my best. Definitely memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. Of course there was the argument with my dad, and then the huge fight with my mom. She still hasn't really forgiven me and I can tell she is still angry. She's probably said only like two dozen words to me these past few days. My brother and sister left earlier this week which also hasn't helped. Then of course there was the huge fight with Jordan. So overall not a good trip.
I grab my stuff and make my way down the stairs. My mom is there waiting for me.
"Have a good flight. Call when you get home." That's probably the longest sentence she's said to me since our fight.
"Thanks mom. I'll call when I get home. Take care."
After she gives me a hug, I grab my suitcase and lug it down the front steps and throw it into the car. My dad is dropping me off to the airport.
"Good to go?" he asks me.
"Yep, I think I got everything."
For the most part we talk about nothing in particular, just small talk here and there about the weather, or family stuff. I'm bracing for the conversation he always gives me when I leave, about school and my life plans. It isn't the full lecture but a truncated version. But so far he hasn't said anything. Oh wait, there it is.
"Did you think more about the conversation we had about your career?" he asks me.
"I did." I actually did, though I didn't really decide anything.
"And?"
"And I still think I should finish my degree," I say.
"And after that?"
"After that I will apply for my master's."
"In history?" he asks, disappointment clear in his voice.
"Yes, but I will keep my mind open about other possibilities." I add the last part in just so that I don't get a longer lecture.
"Okay." It doesn't sound like he is okay, but that is all he says, nothing more.
We arrive a few minutes later at the airport. My dad pulls close to the curb in the departures area.
"Thanks for the ride dad," I say as I start to open the door handle.
"Here," he says taking out a paper from his pocket.
I take the paper and open it. It's a cheque. "I thought you said you weren't going to help?"
"I know. It's not as much as usual as you can see. You'll have to spend more wisely or work to make up the rest. I hope this will make you seriously start to think about your future."
"Thanks dad."
"Have a safe flight. Call when you get there okay?"
"I will. Bye."
I grab my suitcase and head into the airport. I was so worried about not having enough money for this semester. Usually my dad asks me about my finances, but this time he didn't bring it up, and so I didn't either. He gave me just enough to get by and cover rent, and food. It's his way I think of telling me he is serious about cutting me off. I guess I really do need to start making proper life decisions, because otherwise I have a feeling next semester I won't get anything.
"Hello?" I say answering my phone.
"Where the hell have you been? I've tried calling you a dozen times!" Jenn yells at me.
"My phone was off because I was on a plane coming back home."
"So you're home now?" She is still yelling.
"Yeah I am. What's going on? Why were you calling so much?"
"I'll be over in five. Bye!"
And with that she hangs up the phone. Strange girl. She gets stranger by the day.
It is so good to be home at last! My own space where I can do whatever I want in peace. While I am thrilled to be back, at the same time I know if things had worked out, right now I would be preparing for Jordan to move in. But of course you can't have everything you want. It actually would have been nice if he moved in; I could use the extra cash. All the way here I was thinking of how I would make up the extra money. I was going through my expenses in my head, and I know I won't have enough. It looks like I'll have to find a part-time job on the side.
I start to unpack my stuff when I hear an urgent knock on the door. That must be Jenn.
"Hey," I say opening the door.
She barges right in. "Alright, so I know you're not going to be happy with what I did, but you're an idiot."
"Say what now?" What is she rambling about?
"You need to call Jordan."
Oh God not this again. "Jenn we've had this conversation. He knows my number and knows how to use a phone. I don't see what's stopping him. Wait, you didn't É" I start to trail off. "Oh you better not have."
"I did."
"Why the hell would you call him?" I say with anger in my voice.
"Because I knew neither of you would, so I thought I would try to fix things."
"Well clearly it didn't work. I can't believe you! You crossed a line Jenn. I don't need you meddling in my life. You already know how pissed I am with my mom for doing the same thing."
"I know, I know and I'm sorry. But you know I just want to help, and the thing is Noah, I talked to Jordan and I really think you should call him."
"So what now you're taking his side?"
"I'm not taking anyone's side. All I am saying is that there is more to his story than you know."
"If there is more than why didn't he just tell me? Why did he go and tell you?"
"He tried talking to you, but he said you wouldn't listen. Sort of like what you're doing right now."
Oh how this girl annoys me. "So what exactly did he say then? What's his big reason?"
"I think you should talk to him directly and hear it from him."
"Well then he can call me and tell me."
"Look, be angry at me all you want, that's fine. But just trust me this one time, pick up the phone and call him. You don't want to end things like this. Just do it for me."
"I am really pissed at you."
"That's fine; I know how to win you back. I'm not scared. Just call Jordan!"
"I really do hate you." That's my way of letting her know I will call.
"And I hate you too. But that sounds like a yes to me. Call him soon okay!"
"Fine."
"And then remember to call me and tell me all the details."
"You're pushing it now."
"Love you! Bye!"
Only Jenn. I want to kick her because I am angry, but at the same time laugh too. I know she cares, and I know why she called him. She shouldn't have without asking me, and I will make sure that doesn't happen again. I don't know why I can't stay upset with her for long. But that girl does need a good kick.
In the evening, when I finish unpacking, having dinner and cleaning up I sit down on my couch with my phone in my hand. I keep playing with it, moving it around, turning it on and off. I keep going back and forth if I should call or not. Jenn has sent me several text messages asking if I have called. I ignore her for now. She is adamant I call him to find out this mysterious reason. Maybe she is right, maybe he does have something valid to say. I don't really remember the fight I had with Jordan so I can't tell if he did try to explain himself. After debating this over in my head for half-an-hour I decide to call him. Jenn better be right or she will get that kick.
I dial his number. It rings for a bit. It doesn't seem like he is still ready to talk to me. I am just about to hang up when I hear his voice.
"Hey."
"Hi," I say.
He pauses for a bit. "How um, are you?" He speaks slowly, as if he is unsure of himself.
"I'm fine. You?"
"I'm okay."
So it looks like I will have to get the ball rolling. No point in small talk, might as well just get right to it. "So Jenn tells me you two talked."
"We did."
"She wouldn't say what about though."
"Oh."
"She figures it is best if you told me directly."
"I see."
He really isn't saying much, or making this easy. "So then Jordan, what's going on?"
"You tell me Noah."
I guess I will have to take the lead. "You know why I am angry Jordan, but I'm not sure why you are."
"I see."
"Is that it? Is that all you're going to say?" I'm not sure why I even bothered calling. This is making me even angrier.
"I don't know what to say exactly. Besides it doesn't really matter. You already think I am a liar."
"It's just the way I see it Jordan, you haven't been honest with me."
"What have I lied to you about?" There is anger in his voice, which I can tell he is trying to control.
"Wanting to move in with me."
"And how do you know that's a lie?"
His tone is starting to irritate me. "Because you keep backing out."
"Hmm ..." he pauses briefly. "Noah, do you remember the night you kissed Sebastian and then saw me?"
"I do."
"Do you remember that fear in your eyes, that paranoia that I would tell someone else, mainly Jenn?"
"Yes." I'm not sure where he is going with this.
"I thought you would, it's one of the reasons why you came out to her isn't it?"
"It was."
"I thought you'd remember."
"I do remember Jordan. So, how does this relate to our situation?"
"Do you remember how supportive I was when you wanted to hide our relationship from Jenn?"
"Yes, I do Jordan."
"The thing is Noah, it's not that I am angry with you, I am disappointed." His tone has changed, the anger is indeed gone. Instead, his voice is rather soft. "I thought out of all people you'd understand how scared I am about Aiden finding out. I thought you'd understand all the scenarios one plays out in their mind of how their friend will react, and if they will tell other people. And then I thought you'd understand the measures one would take to prevent any of that from happening. But yet you accuse me of giving up on us instead. You accuse me of lying. You can never know how much I truly want to live with you; I never lied about that. But what you should have known is how scared I am of Aiden finding out." His voice is filled with hurt.
I can see his facial expression in my mind, the sorrow in his eyes, the pain in his face. Shit. He has a valid point. Now I honestly feel like an idiot. I just jumped to conclusions without even thinking of how scared he must be. I didn't let him even explain, I just figured he didn't want to move in with me. Crap.
"I didn't think of it like that Jordan. I just thought that we could try and work something out. I realized you wouldn't want Aiden to know, but I thought we could work on it together. I felt like you were just abandoning the plan without even thinking it through. And that just led me to believe you really weren't interested."
"Do you still doubt my commitment to you?"
"I É" I hesitate. I don't want to tell him I do sometimes doubt his commitment.
"Do you think I will leave you for someone else?"
"Sometimes."
"Did you believe me when I said I love you?"
"I did. I still do."
"Then why would you ever doubt that I wouldn't fight for us?"
"I ... I don't know."
"I'll always fight for us. I thought you would know that by now."
Shit. I so misjudged Jordan.
"I'm so sorry Jordan. I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion without letting you explain. I am sorry for doubting you, and calling you a liar. I should never have said you are not trying to fight for us. I am really sorry."
"That's the thing, you didn't let me explain. You didn't trust me. When I needed you the most you weren't there for me. So how do I know I can trust you going forward?" he asks.
I don't know what to say to that. "I guess you have to believe me when I say I truly do care for you, and I'll always try my best to be there for you. I will go out of my way to do whatever needs to be done so that Aiden doesn't find out about us. I'll help you get rid of that fear and paranoia. I'll be there for you. That is of course if you still want me to be É" My heart is beating rapidly now. I know he won't end things because of this, but still É
"I thought you said you loved me?"
"Of course I do."
"So then why wouldn't I want you to be there for me?"
Now I can breathe. "You scared me there Jordan."
"Well you know you deserve it."
"That's true. So does that mean we're okay?"
"I think so," he says.
Oh thank God. "You know I was being honest when I said I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are okay around Aiden."
"I know."
"Have you thought about what you want to do exactly?" I ask.
"I don't know. It all depends on how busy Aiden is with his work, and how often he is around. I just don't want to lose four months of our lives hiding, when we can be together."
"Neither do I."
"It just feels like every time we're moving in the right direction, something gets in the way."
"I guess that's the world subtly telling us we need to wait for now," I say.
"I know, but I'm just sick of the world fucking with us."
"Well, that's life Jordan. The world is always going to throw obstacles in our way. You either go with the flow, or you fight back."
"And how long do we just go with the flow for?" he asks.
"I don't know, I honestly don't. We just have to wait and see."
"And say if the tide never turns in our favour?"
I take a deep breath. "I'm not sure what to tell you. Life isn't just going to be given to you on a silver platter, or it won't tell you when to take an opportunity, you know that. You have to make an effort, take a risk. We write our own destiny. If you hadn't taken that risk kissing me in the gym that night, we would never be where we are today."
"That's true," he says. "Hey sorry I have to run; my mom is calling me to eat dinner."
"Okay. Again Jordan, I am really sorry."
"I know."
"So we're good?"
"We're more than good. We'll talk tomorrow."
"For sure. Bye." I say, my heart finally calming down.
"Bye."
Oi vey. What a night.
*** JORDAN ***
I walk up two stairs at a time. It's not that I am in any rush, but my heart sure seems to be. My palms are sweaty. I'm not really nervous, more excited. It doesn't help I am carrying several heavy bags with me. I didn't even think this would happen. I thought it was a long shot. But it was something Noah said that got me thinking. I had to make several phone calls, beg with people, and really plead to get where I am now. But it was worth it. It is the right thing to do. Fuck the world. As it is, you only live once.
I stop outside his door and put my stuff on the floor. Okay, breathe Jordan, breathe. I really hope he is home, otherwise, this will have been a big waste.
Okay, just relax. I lift my hand and knock on his door. I wait a minute, but don't hear any movement. Shit. He's not home. Crap, I'll have to come back. I should have called him, but that would have ruined the surprise. Okay, time to grab my stuff.
I lean down to pick up my bags when I hear a noise. The door is opening.
"Jordan?"
I stand back up. "Hey Noah," I say casually.
He looks confused. His mouth is open as if he is about to say something. I take that opportunity to lean in and give him a kiss. Damn, how I have missed these lips. He too seems to have missed mine.
I step back to still see a surprised Noah. "It's so good to see you! But I, um, thought you weren't coming back for a few more days?"
"I wasn't supposed to, but I figured I should come back early, you know, to give me enough time to move all my stuff."
"Move your stuff?" And it's then that he seems to see my bags. And then his face starts to slowly change. And there it is, there is that smile I was waiting for. "Wait, this isn't some joke right?"
I can't help but laugh. "Nope. Of course this all depends if the offer is still on the table."
"Of course it is. But what about Aiden?"
"We'll figure that out, together." I put a lot of emphasis on the last word.
It's now his turn to wrap his arms around me and give me a passionate kiss.
"I'm so glad you're home," he says.
"So am I. It's good to be back."
End of Chapter 17.