The following story is a work of fiction - and does not represent any living person. The story will in the future contain sex between two adult consenting men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Hi everyone. I'm really, really sorry for the long delay. I was away for most of November and parts of December, which is why this chapter took a bit longer to write. I will try my best to have the next installment out sooner (sometime in February is my goal). I hope this has been worth the wait.
Please, please, please note. I have forgotten a lot about the book "Mrs. Dalloway." I am writing from memory. Like an idiot I threw away all my notes. I am sure this is quite right - but if I make any errors in my interpretation - please do forgive me. Thanks!
Enjoy.
Ethan
--------------- Chapter 11 ----------------
*** NOAH ***
Beep, beep, beep, beep ....
Oh god. I stick my lifeless arm out of the blanket in a futile attempt to find and turn off the alarm clock. Instead, I manage to knock over half the items on my night stand before I hit a button which makes the clock stop beeping. I just want to lie in bed - with the blanket over my face - for the rest of the day. I'm not ready to face the world yet. I just want to sleep - not that I am getting much of that these days. The alarm clock didn't really wake me up - I never really slept to begin with. It was just a horrible reminder that time was still ticking and life on campus was about to resume.
I've never dreaded going to school - actually, on the contrary, I enjoy learning. But this time everything is different. I don't want to be anywhere near campus. The main reason - Jordan. I don't know how I can face him. What if he told people about me and Sebastian? It's like high school all over again, wondering what people were saying behind my back. I honestly don't think I can go through with that again. And unlike last time, this time I have no where to run.
What have I even gotten myself into? This was supposed to be different! I was supposed to go away - somewhere new - somewhere no one knew my past. I was supposed to leave behind all the confusion about my sexuality. I was supposed to go to school - get a degree - find a girlfriend - get married - have kids - and be happy. None of this was supposed to happen. When I reflect over the last couple of days it baffles me to think where I am today. Going out on a date with Sebastian, coming out to Jenn - I honestly could never have even thought about this stuff in my wildness dreams back in September. Yet here I am ... here I am.
Even though it felt good telling Jenn about my sexuality, the moment she left my apartment I started to feel nervous again. At first I thought I was dumb for telling her and that perhaps she was just being nice to my face but in reality felt some other way. I trusted her well enough to know she wouldn't tell anyone else - but still, when your mind plays tricks on you - it can make you doubt anyone's loyalty. In the end though all of my fears were put to rest when Jenn came over for dinner on Monday night. Since neither of us went home for the long weekend, we decided to have dinner together. We weren't really celebrating Thanksgiving, just using any excuse to eat. I didn't really make much. I just threw a few things together at the last minute.
When Jenn came over the feeling of dread over took me. I thought, do I just talk to her like normal, or has something changed between us? Our conversation though was pretty normal - with her teasing me about being gay here and there - which of course was just Jenn being herself. All of it was pretty normal except for the part about Jordan. I close my eyes and recall our conversation from the night before ...
"Hey Noah, how are you holding up?" Jenn asks.
"I'm doing alright," I say.
"You look better. You finally have some colour in your face. You're no longer a pale ghostly colour."
"Really? Shucks, too bad! Halloween is coming up - I wouldn't have needed to buy a costume." She just gives me a look, which means the joke is over. "Anyways, how's your weekend going?"
"It's not really going anywhere. My parents are angry I didn't come home for long weekend."
"You never go back, so why are they mad this year?"
"I don't know. My mom never really needs a reason to be mad at me. How about you, are your parents angry at you too?"
"Not really sure. I told them a while back I wasn't going to be able to make it. I told you about how me and my dad kind of argued before I came back to school about my degree and what I am doing with my life. I didn't really want a rematch. Then there was everything with Sebastian too. I just wanted a relaxing weekend - which of course didn't happen."
"Yeah I guess it's been an eventful weekend for you. Have you talked to Sebastian since Friday?"
"No I haven't. He called me on Saturday and left a message. He's gone to his parents cottage for the weekend. He said he'll be back on Tuesday. It's actually good - gives me some time to absorb everything that happened this weekend. Have you heard from Jordan?" I was dying to ask Jenn this question from the moment she got here.
"No. I called him on his cell phone but it was off. I left him a message too but nothing. He's usually pretty good with returning calls, so I don't know."
"Jenn, I'm sorry if I ruined anything between the two of you."
"Noah I think you're jumping to conclusions. Maybe he's just been busy and hasn't been able to return my call yet. Or maybe he lost his phone. There could be plenty of explanations."
"Have you seen him online, on MSN or anything?"
"No."
"Do you think he lost his computer too?"
"I don't know Noah. If you being gay upsets him so much that he doesn't want to be with me anymore than so be it - then he isn't worth it."
"Thanks."
"Now, can I get some food, I'm starving!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah it's almost done ..."
It wasn't a great dinner - probably the worst Thanksgiving dinner I've ever had, but it's about the people you spend it with I guess - and I was with my best friend, so it was all good. It's just that inside I didn't feel good. Since Friday I've had this horrible feeling in me. I don't want to eat anything, I don't want to do anything. I just feel sick. I know its paranoia because of Jordan, and that I am probably over reacting, but I just can't help but shake this.
The thing is - I have to. I have so much work to get done this week - I can't afford to be lazy. Only six or so weeks left until the school term is done - and then exams. Alright, I have to get up.
Getting up now.
Nothing.
Now.
Still in bed.
Okay, now.
Oh, I give up. I don't want to go anywhere today. I'm just going to stay in bed and relax.
Ah, this is nice - just relaxing in bed.
Of course that's when my phone starts to ring. My heart jumps. There is no reason for me to be getting all worked up - but for an instant I think it might be Jordan calling. I grab the phone to take a look - it's Sebastian. My heart calms down a bit knowing it's not Jordan - but then goes right back to full speed when I realize it's Sebastian - the guy who kissed me on Friday.
Okay - just relax.
"Hey Sebastian."
"Hey Noah, how was Thanksgiving?"
"It was okay; had dinner with Jenn. And yours?"
"It was good. Went to my parents place. A lot of my family was over, some of my cousins, so it was nice to catch up. I'm just getting back to campus now and I thought I would see how everything was going with you."
"Everything's fine." I just don't ever want to leave my bed - but besides that - it's all good.
"That's good. I just wanted to check up with you - we left things kind of weird on Friday night."
"Yeah, we did - I'm sorry for that - I didn't mean to act that way."
"It's okay - you don't need to apologize - I understand what you're going through."
"I feel like I should apologize though, you've been more than patient with me."
"Well you don't need to. But if you really want to make it up to me - I won't stop you."
Holy shit he is seductive - the way he says the last line really makes my skin jump.
"Thanks, did you have something in mind?"
"Well one way you can make it up to me is by having dinner with me tomorrow night."
"Sure. Where did you want to go?"
"Actually I wanted to treat you to a nice home cooked meal."
"Okay,"
"So tomorrow night how about we meet at around 9 at my place."
"Um ... sounds good."
"Alright, see you then. Take care."
"Bye."
This is good - gives me a little bit more time. Even though I am scared to talk to Jordan - he did say he would call today to finalize our presentation. It's good because I can find out what is going on between the two of us - if everything is good - before talking to Sebastian. I hope everything is okay. I've grown closer to him and enjoy his company. I really wouldn't want to lose that. But then again - the way he took off on Friday - it was just so .... so upsetting. I don't know.
Alright I can think all I want but it won't get me anywhere. For now I have to get out of bed. Great.
*** JORDAN ***
It hits you sharply and unexpectedly in the face. The cold wind. It's a relatively chilly day for an October. Another reminder winter is looming on the horizon. After stepping out of the airport I quickly hail a taxi back to campus. Even though I was only out in the cold for a few seconds I feel frozen down to my bones. The cab ride back to school takes forever - traffic barely moves. The fun of living in a large city.
It's not until the taxi drops me off in front of my building that I remember I don't have my keys. I left in such a hurry on Saturday morning that I forgot to take them with me. I'm in luck, someone is coming out so I get into the building. Now I have to find the dorm administrator to let me into my room. I feel like such an idiot for the way I left Saturday morning. I didn't even think about what I was doing - I forgot half of my stuff. Good thing I still have a lot of clothes back home because I barely took anything with me. I just needed to get out of here - and yet leaving here seems to have made no real difference. Here I am a few days later - and I feel just as confused - actually, maybe even more, as to when I left.
It takes about an hour to find someone and convince them to let me back into my room. The one good thing is I took my wallet with me which has my student ID in it - so at least they believed me when I told them who I am. But of course I get the longest lecture about taking my keys with me the next time. I just nod my head until the guy opens the door and leaves. I quickly jump inside and close the door.
Holy crap, it looks like a tornado swept through here! I guess I really was in a hurry to leave - my stuff is everywhere. I drop my bag onto the floor and drop onto my bed. Ah crap my bed stinks. I can smell the stench of sweat and dried cum on it. Reminders of the turbulent moments before my sudden departure. I'll need to change these bed sheets ASAP. I get back up and manoeuver my way over to the chair. After throwing some clothes off of it I sit down and sigh.
I thought going away for a while would help me clear my head - but it didn't. I feel so confused. I don't even know what to do next. Do I do anything at all? What is there to do anyway? Noah is with Sebastian and I'm with Jenn and everything is fine the way it is - why should I ruin that? But I can't help feel a connection to Noah I can't explain. The dreams with him - wanting to be around him - wanting to get to know him - all of this is new to me. I've never felt this way about a guy before. Heck I didn't even feel this strongly about my previous girlfriend ... or for that matter Jenn.
I'm supposed to call Noah today to go over our presentation but I don't know if I can. How am I supposed to talk about Clarissa's sexuality and confusion when I am this confused myself? Say if I say too much? I don't know if I can talk to him about this. Oh man. But I should call him. I said I would. I want to. I haven't talked to him in what seems like days. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What the hell am I supposed to do?
The one thing I should do is at least check my phone. I completely forgot to take it with me on Saturday. Alright, here it is. Let's see ... a number of missed calls ... and a number of messages. One is from Jenn - the others from John. None from Noah. What was I expecting? The way I ran away from him, why would he call me? John was just trying to figure out where I was and so was Jenn. I should call them both. But first I need to change and get to campus - I have class in half an hour.
Once I am outside and changed into something much warmer I call Jenn.
"Hey you."
"Hi Jenn."
"How are you?"
"I'm good. Sorry for calling you back so late - I actually went out of town to visit my mom and forgot my cell phone at home."
"Oh."
"Yeah I just got back in this morning and I just checked my messages."
"I don't remember you saying you're going back home."
"Yeah I didn't actually plan to go but then I just changed my mind on a whim. It had been a while since I'd seen my mom so I thought I would surprise her. I just went to the airport and luckily I got a ticket. I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier."
"No, no, you don't have to apologize - that's fine. I hope you had a good time."
"I really did. I spent some time with my mom and met some of my old high school friends so it was a nice break. How was your long weekend?"
"It was okay, nothing special. I had Thanksgiving dinner last night with Noah."
"Oh ... cool."
"Yeah, he cooked at home, which wasn't that bad actually. He's a pretty good cook," she says.
"Yeah, yeah ... he made me pasta once, I remember. It was pretty good." God I need to change the topic. "Anyways, I had a really good time on our date Friday night."
"So did I."
"I hope we can try it again sometime soon."
"I would like that."
"So would I. How does Friday sound to you?
"It sounds good."
"Then it's a date. I have a game on Friday night around 7, if you came that would be great. After we could go out for dinner. Or I can just pick you up after if you don't want to come to the game."
"I like watching you play. I'll come to the game."
"Excellent I'm glad you'll be there. Anyways, I'll call you later, class is about to start. Take care."
"You too, bye."
"Bye."
I like Jenn. She is a really, really nice girl. She's funny, she's smart, she's good looking. She has all that I am looking for in a relationship - and yet my heart just doesn't seem there. I like talking to her but it's not the same like when I'm taking too ... oh god ... when I'm talking to Noah. Why - why is it like that! I'm trying to just be with Jenn. Why does this have to be so complicated. Perhaps I just need to stick with Jenn and give this relationship a try. Maybe all I need is some time. Yeah - yeah I think that will work. I shouldn't just give up on her or this relationship so quickly. I do like her - I really do. I just need to forget about Noah. But how? Jenn is his friend and we have class together ... Oh crap! I was supposed to call him today - our presentation is tomorrow. But what do I say? Especially how I left things on Friday night - running away like an idiot. I don't know how to face him. Perhaps I shouldn't. Perhaps this is all part of me avoiding him and getting on with my life. Just get this presentation done and then be done with him. I guess so. I think that's the smartest thing. Just get him out of my system and eventually whatever this is will pass. Alright - I just have to stick with this plan. Oh man, it's not going to be easy. I just have to do it. Alright - that's it - that's the plan - no more Noah.
But should I at least call him today?
Ah crap.
*** NOAH ***
I must have checked my phone a billion times yesterday. I kept thinking Jordan would call - but nothing. Today is our presentation but I still haven't heard anything from him. I'm starting to get worried. I'm prepared but I don't know about him. And then we have our slide show which I had to go over with him before using. I don't know what this guy is doing! I wanted to call him. I took out my phone several times and was about to dial - but then I stopped. He said he would call. If he didn't then that means he has a problem with what he saw on Friday. If that's the case then I don't want to call him. I know I was being idiotic but I just couldn't bring myself to dial his number.
Even though my English class isn't until the afternoon - I am ready and out the door an hour early. I am leaving early so that perhaps I can see him before class and we can just make sure we are on the same page. Even though I want to avoid Jordan because of the way we left things on Friday - this is for school and I am not going to let my personal life interfere with my academics. I just want to get this project over with and be done with it. It feels like this has been dragging on for a number of weeks now.
I get to the classroom pretty early. As expected, there is not a soul in site. I take out my notes and go over them. At least for my part I know what I am going to say. I had rehearsed everything over the weekend a few times. Speaking about these themes are risky business - I don't want to say too much which will make people suspicious. I think I have everything down in a neutral way that won't give anything away. Now I just have to wait until Jordan shows up.
As the hour starts to fade away and more students start entering the classroom, I begin to become nervous. Part of it is because of the presentation - public speaking has never been something I am too fond of. The other part is seeing Jordan. As the minute hand gets closer to the top of the clock there is no sign of him. He wouldn't not show up would he? I can't imagine he would just leave me to do this by myself. I could do it by myself but I didn't think it would come to this. Besides he is pretty worried about his grades - what with wanting to go to med school and all. He wouldn't not show up. I wonder if he has called Jenn yet. I grab my phone and give her a call.
"Hello," she says.
"Hey Jenn. Have you heard from Jordan recently?"
"Yeah he called me yesterday, why?"
"Um, no reason. I was just wondering where he is. We have our presentation today and he isn't here."
"Oh. I'm sure he will be there Noah - don't worry. Anyways I have to get to class - good luck."
"Thanks Jenn. Bye."
Alright now where is this guy! Class starts exactly 10 minutes past the hour - right now it's 8 minutes past. Shit - I'm going to have to do this alone. I can't believe him. I can't believe he would let a personal matter come in the way of all the work we've done on this. I don't care what he thinks about me but I take my academics seriously.
The final nail in the coffin is about to come. The professor is moving to the door. When he shuts it - that's it. His hand is on the doorknob. He is about to push it shut. Great - thanks a lot Jordan.
*** JORDAN ***
Ah crap. Shit, shit, shit. I can't believe I am going to be late. Oh man I can't believe I slept in this late. I was up all last night - I couldn't sleep. I just sat there with my phone in my hands thinking. Should I call him? Should I not? What would I say? Hey Noah, it's me Jordan. So you're into guys - cool! Ah man, I just kept getting nervous and shutting off the phone. I tried distracting myself but even that wouldn't work. And then I kept getting hard. I wanted it to go away but it wouldn't. I must have jerked off a dozen times - okay maybe not that much - but it kept coming back.
I don't even remember when I fell asleep or when my alarm went off. Next thing I know I'm waking up with just under 30 minutes to go until class. I don't know what I put on or how I managed to even get dressed - I bolted out of there as fast as I could. I even forgot my bag and my notebook and everything I had with me - all my notes! By the time I remembered it was too late. I was already on campus and just steps away from the building.
Right now I am running down the hallway. Of course this is when a million students need to come into my way. I think I've hit a number of people. I know they are cursing at me behind my back, but I don't care. I need to get to class. The prof already hates me - and he is a prick. Once he closes the door he doesn't let anyone in. Shit - only 2 minutes to go. Elevator or stairs - hmmm what's faster. Looks like stairs.
Crap I didn't realize how many stairs there are between the ground and fourth floor. By the time I am upstairs I am dying for breath. Still one minute to go. I can see the door. It's open - excellent. Shit - the professor is at the door. I pick up speed and make a frantic dash it. It's just about to close when I put my hand on the door and push it open a bit and dash in.
"Sorry sir," I say panting.
"Just in the nick of time again I see. Let's not be making this a habit."
"Sorry," I say while gasping for air.
Ah crap I'm tired. I find the first available seat and plop down. I'm exhausted. Wow that was quite a run. Oh man. Alright calm down. Relax. I made it. Shit - I have nothing to write on or with. Everyone is taking notes. I nudge the person beside me and borrow a sheet and pen. Oh man I feel so unprepared.
The prof speaks non stop for what seems like forever - even though it really is only 30 minutes. The whole time I just concentrate on taking notes. I want to look around to see if Noah is there but I don't. I just keep staring at the paper in front of me.
"Alright class, today we have our second presentation on Mrs. Dalloway. Will the group come and set up."
I get up from my chair and make my way over to the middle. I can see another person get up as well from behind me. I guess that's Noah. As I make my way to the centre the prof passes by.
"Oh it's your presentation. Well this should be interesting."
Great - I'm so getting an F. By this time Noah has made his way down to the front as well.
"Hey," I say to him, just glancing his way.
"Should we use the power point. I finished it - but we never finalized anything so ... "
"Noah, I'm sorry about that ... I just ... "
"Are you almost ready setting up?" the prof asks.
God I hate that guy.
"Yes," Noah says out loud and then to me, "I guess we will go without it then." He turns back around. "Hi everyone, I'm Noah."
He looks my way. What am I supposed to say? Shit. He begins to glare at me and motion with his hands. Oh right my name.
"And I'm Jordan."
He turns back to the class. "Today we are going to be talking about Mrs. Dalloway. Specifically we will be looking at the theme of sexuality in the book. At first glance it would seem like Clarissa is straight - your ordinary housewife back at that time. She's in a heterosexual relationship, married to a guy called Richard. However as we get deeper into the book we learn about her past and her relationship with Sally. It's not much of a relationship - more of a friendship. But it turns into more for Clarissa. At one point in the book we read about how Sally and Clarissa kiss. Clarissa goes onto describe this as the happiest moment of her life."
He continues: "In the book Woolf writes, 'She and Sally fell a little behind. Then came the most exquisite moment of her whole life, passing a stone urn with flowers in it Sally stopped; picked a flower; kissed her on the lips. The whole world might have turned upside down! The others disappeared; there she was alone with Sally. And she felt that she had been given a present, wrapped up, and told just to keep it, not to look at it - a diamond, something infinitely precious, wrapped up, which, as they walked (up and down, up and down), she uncovered, or the radiance burnt through, the revelation, the religious feeling!'"
Wow he really has prepared for all of this. I don't even remember what I am supposed to talk about. Shit I am nervous - really nervous. I don't even know when I am supposed to jump in. He's still talking.
"Woolf says that Clarissa feels about woman 'as men feel' though she doesn't see this as being homosexual. To her, one could interpret, this is just living life. The kiss was a present but not something she was to look at. So it's something that happened but not something she was supposed to act open. And yet she dwells on it. She dwells on it her whole life - so it really is more than just feelings - it does mean something to her but she really doesn't truly admit it to herself. This is all part of the reason why she marries Richard."
Alright, sounds good so far - just keep on talking Noah. He's stopped. Damn he is looking at me.
"And now Jordan will talk about Clarissa's relationship with Richard."
There is that look of death again - damn he is mad. He looks cute when he's mad. Right, the presentation ...
"Yes, thanks Noah. Right, as uh, Noah, uh, was saying, Clarissa marries Richard. We never really get a true understanding in this book if she loves Richard - instead we are led to believe she only marries him out of convenience. Marrying Richard confirms to her that she is straight - it is proof that she is not homosexual. And yet she doesn't seem to feel the same way about Richard as she does about Sally. For Clarissa, status is a big thing - which is why she is so keen on throwing this dinner party. The whole novel is about this one day and this party Clarissa is trying to throw. Richard helps her keep that status - but that's all he is to her - just a means to get what she needs - and hide what she really doesn't seem to want to admit.
"Though of course this theory of her being a lesbian only is thrown out the window with the introduction of Peter. Throughout the day Clarissa wonders what it would have been like if she married him instead. From the way Clarissa talks about Peter it does seem like she has or had genuine feelings for him. This is Woolf throwing in a curve ball you could say. Perhaps Clarissa is bisexual. She seems to have feelings for men as well as women."
"Right," Noah takes over. Good let him talk now. "Woolf does throw in the possibility that Clarissa was bisexual. One of the reasons this could have been is because of Woolf herself. There were always rumours that Woolf was a lesbian and many scholars do believe this to be true. We think that perhaps Woolf was trying to fool herself. She wanted to write a scenario where Clarissa could have been happy marrying a guy - which is of course what Woolf did. She wanted there to be a possibility that Clarissa could have been happy in a heterosexual relationship because that would give her some comfort. As we know about Woolf's life, she was depressed and eventually she stuffed her pockets with rocks and walked into a river."
He looks at me again. This time he mouths something. I don't get it. He says it again "Sally." Right, I'm supposed to talk about her and how it's ironic.
"Right ... ah ... yeah as Noah was saying ... Woolf as we all knows kills herself." I don't know why I go this route but it feels right. "In the book Septimus - another character who is suffering from what was once called shell shock - kills himself at the end. He is very depressed in the book because his good friend Evans dies. He fought in the war with Evans and the two of them grew very close together. In fact - some say they were more than friends - they were gay. Now this is only eluded to but we don't really know. There is evidence to showcase this - he turns away from his wife and abstains from having sex with her. He seems obsessed in the memory of his fallen friend. It hurts him so much he kills himself - not being with him anymore. A life to him is nothing without his friend. It's meaningless. That is one interpretation. Some say he kills himself because of what he saw during the war. When Clarissa gets word of this at the end of her dinner party - she sees it as a way of Septimus preserving his memories. Now it's a very bizarre reaction to his death one would say. She doesn't see it as sad - or how a soldier who is depressed kills himself - she sees it as a way to preserve what once was. Because that is all that Clarissa has really. She lives in the past - that kiss with Sally - that moment. Wondering about life with Peter. Her life is her past - all she has is her memories. So to her life does not seem to have that much value - because the life she is living isn't really something she wants to be in. And so one can take this as the message Woolf is tyring to get across in this book. Of course Woolf is not saying suicide is the way to go if you are depressed - that of course is not something one should do - nor is she recommending it. But she is saying you can live in the past or wonder how it would have been - or then perhaps just live your life the way you want for the first time. There is no point in wondering what was - because you will only be left guessing and miserable in the end - you have to grasp life now and just live it. Now is the time you have and so ... now is the time to follow what you really want. That is just one way perhaps to look at the book."
I don't know where all of that came from - I just kept going on and on. I think I went on for a couple of minutes. Noah is just standing there in silence. Right - Sally.
I continue: "And of course - one last note - Sally. The irony of her character is she gets married and becomes a happy housewife with kids. She was just living in the moment - being impulsive. She didn't care what others thought - she did how she felt. Maybe she is bisexual and yet she manages to be happy - so perhaps there is always a way. Woolf was a complicated writer - and she liked to throw in curve balls along the way. In this story Sally seems to be the exception."
Noah just looks at me for a few seconds. He then turns around to the class. "So does anyone have any questions?"
*** NOAH ***
He made it. I can't believe he actually made it. The door was almost shut - and yet he managed to get in just at the right time. I sit back and sigh. Oh man - thank god. I'm going to kill him. Damn guy put me through so much distress! We haven't even talked about anything - I have no idea how we are structuring this presentation. This is going to be a disaster. Great.
The prof goes on and on about something or another. I usually try and pay attention but today I just can't concentrate. Part of me is pissed at Jordan, another part happy he is here, another scared he is here and another nervous about this presentation. I don't even know what I should feel! Just concentrate and relax. If I do my parts okay then I will be fine - and besides then we can finish this project and be done with it. I never have to talk to Jordan for any reason again - I can avoid him.
I'm usually glad when the prof shuts up - today, not so much. This is it - time to put this clown show on for the class. I make my over to the middle where a nervous looking Jordan is waiting for me.
"Hey," he says to me.
"Should we use the power point. I finished it - but we never finalized anything so ... "
"Noah, I'm sorry about that ... I just ... "
"Are you almost ready setting up?" the prof asks.
There is no time to argue with him. Might as well just go without it. Great a days worth of work gone down the drain. Thanks Jordan.
"Yes," I say out loud and then to him, "I guess we will go without it then." I turn back around. "Hi everyone, I'm Noah."
Silence.
I look at Jordan. What the hell is he doing? He's just standing there like an idiot. I look at him and motion with my hands for him to say something.
"And I'm Jordan."
Oh dear lord - this is going be great - I can just feel it. He already forgot the easiest part of the presentation - his own name! I turn to the class and just start talking about the book. It looks like I am going to have to sell this to everyone. I look over at Jordan a few times who seems oblivious to what is going on. It looks like I am going to have to remind him about his segments.
"And now Jordan will talk about Clarissa's relationship with Richard."
He start talking about their relationship - not bad - so far he seems coherent and he knows what he is talking about. It's almost over - just a few more segments to go and then this is done - and I am done with him. I can't believe he didn't call and comes here at the last second. Damn I am so pissed at him.
He wraps up and I start on the next segment - about Clarissa being bisexual. I go onto how Woolf in real life kills herself. Alright - just one more part to go and we are done. I look over at Jordan. He seems like he is on another planet.
I mouth the word "Sally" to him.
Nothing.
I do it again.
There you go, a lightbulb clicks in his head.
"Right ... ah ... yeah as Noah was saying ... Woolf as we all knows kills herself."
What! What the hell is he talking about? AAAAAAAH! He was supposed to talk about Sally. Now he's bringing up Septimus. Hmm, that is a good point. I never thought about his relationship with Evans as homosexual. Of course he kills himself .. right and Clarissa and the memories. Live life now. It seems like Jordan is directly talking to me. Telling me I should do what makes me happy and not hide who I truly am. He never looks at me during his rant - but it feels like he is the whole time.
"Now is the time you have and so ... now is the time to follow what you really want. That is just one way perhaps to look at the book," he says.
I don't even know what to say. I look back at Jordan who is looking at the class. I turn back around. "So does anyone have any questions?"
You know those people who think they are so smart but actually aren't. Well, there were a few of those in this class. One of them in particular is a handful - okay fine - she's a bitch. She loves to poke holes in everyone's theories and make her comments about their presentation. I'm not surprised hers is the first hand up in the air. Unfortunately - it's the only one. "Yes, go ahead," I say pointing to her.
"Hi, so that's an interesting theory you have about Septimus and Evans. Woolf never really directly says the two are gay, and one could just assume the two are really good friends - they did fight in a war together. As you mentioned Septimus was married. Also, with Septimus and his depression, couldn't that just be the reason why he was obsessively mourning over Evans? It perhaps had a lot to do with the war and how the atrocities he saw in it plunged him into depression. This story is in part a commentary on war and shell shock, which Septimus has to deal with. He goes to doctors who never really help him - which is sort of like what Woolf went through. So really, wouldn't Woolf's overall message have more to do with her critiquing war and how health officials deal with depression - then with Septimus being gay because we never really get concrete evidence he is gay?"
"You very well could be correct, and you may not be," Jordan says. "I never said that Woolf only had one message - she is a very complicated and a very good writer who draws upon many themes. Yes to a degree the book comments on how war vets are treated and how health officials deal with shell shock. But I would also say one of her themes is definitely sexuality. Sexuality is a complicated thing - which we don't truly understand sometimes. We live in a society where we are told a man is supposed to love a woman - that's what we grow up with enshrined in our heads. So when someone has feelings for the same sex it doesn't really make sense at first because to us it's not what we think is natural. Connecting this with the book, yes Septimus is married, but by all means we have heard of gay guys being married. And perhaps Septimus isn't gay - maybe that isn't the label Woolf wanted to put on him. Instead what she is doing is subtly illustrating the bonds between two male friends, which can turn into something more, something sexual. We read about how the two fought together, did everything together and were for the most part inseparable. Perhaps Woolf was showcasing that a relationship doesn't have to be about gender - when you fall in love with someone - it can happen with anyone - even if you are straight and like women. Septimus might have been the biggest womanizer, and not been into guys at all, but with Evans it was a relationship that went beyond gender - it was perhaps two people's souls or personalities connecting with each other. It doesn't have to be about being gay or straight - it has to do more with connecting with that other person. We would label the two as gay but perhaps Woolf didn't and so she wrote their relationship without labels. You can take any interpretation you want from this book - all of them could very well be correct. It all depends on I guess your personal experiences and what you bring to the book."
I had been hanging on to every word out of Jordan's mouth. We had never discussed any of this and it felt so weird hearing him say it. That it isn't about labels or being gay or straight but connecting with that other person regardless of their gender. And then the last line struck me - it all depends on your personal experiences and what you bring to the book. What did Jordan mean by that?
"Alright, if there are no more questions then class dismissed. I will see you all here on Friday," the prof says.
The prof makes his way over to the two of us.
"Not bad gentlemen. I had my doubts at the beginning about you two - but you seemed to pull it off. And not bad about linking in Septimus with Clarissa and wrapping it into the overall context of the book - very well done indeed - and nice rebuttal to the question as well, you stood your ground. It seems like the two of you have really thought about this book well. Perhaps I was wrong about you," he says to Jordan. "Well boys, well done, an A."
Oh thank god. I smile but Jordan just keeps the same blank expression on his face. He turns and looks at me.
"Noah, I'm really sorry about everything. The presentation, and before, and everything, I'm really sorry. I've acted like a jerk ... and you don't deserve that. I hope we can still be friends."
"Jordan ... I ... "
He cuts me off.
"I gotta run. I'll see you later."
And with that he is out the door.
I walk out of the classroom and into the cold October evening. It's around 5 in the afternoon. What am I supposed to make of all of this? Here I thought Jordan hated me - and yet he then goes off about living life and being happy - then apologizes, says I hope we can be friends - and before I can say anything runs off. Damn it! I was supposed to be done with Jordan. I was supposed to have moved on - forgotten about him and our friendship. I don't even know how he feels. He is sending me so many mixed messages. What did he mean about bringing in your own life experiences? If he would just talk to me ...
Ah! Fuck you Jordan. Just stop messing with my head. I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want. I feel so frustrated and angry. I make my way over to a bench and sit down. Even though it is cold - the cool air feels good against my skin. It helps to calm me down. I just sit there and watch as the sun start to set on campus.
If only he would talk to me. Well, if he won't talk to me, perhaps I should talk to him.
I get up and start walking. I don't know why I go in this direction but it feels right. Jordan seemed upset and dishevelled. If I know him, there is one place he will go to escape all of this.
I walk into the gym with high expectations to see him there - but it's empty. I guess I don't know him that well after all. There is no one on the court and the bleachers are empty. This was stupid. He's not here.
I make my way down to the front and sit down. I guess it's time I move on ... I just thought things would work out differently. I guess I am wrong about a lot of things today. I guess I just hoped differently ...
"Noah ..."
I look up as a ball hits the floor. "Hi ... "
*** JORDAN ***
FUCK!
What the hell is wrong with me. I just blabbed on like an idiot. Shit, I need to get out of here.
"Alright, if there are no more questions then class dismissed. I will see you all here on Friday," the prof says.
The prof makes his way over to the two of us.
"Not bad gentlemen. I had my doubts at the beginning about you two - but you seemed to pull it off. And not bad about linking in Septimus with Clarissa and wrapping it into the overall context of the book - very well done indeed - and nice rebuttal to the question as well, you stood your ground. It seems like the two of you have really thought about this book well. Perhaps I was wrong about you," he says to Jordan. "Well boys, well done, an A."
I can see Noah smile. I just stand there. I'm such an idiot - I said way too much. The prof is moving away and this is the first time I am alone with Noah. I'm not sure what to say to him. That 'A' is luck - I don't know how we pulled it off. I acted like a jerk to him for not calling and barely making it here on time. He doesn't deserve this.
"Noah, I'm really sorry about everything. The presentation, and before, and everything, I'm really sorry. I've acted like a jerk ... and you don't deserve that. I hope we can still be friends."
I do hope so - but in what capacity I don't know. There is something between us - I can't fight it- but it doesn't matter anyways. He's with Sebastian and I just have to let this go.
"Jordan ... I ... "
I cut him off. I don't want him to hear his response. I just need to go away for a while.
"I gotta run. I'll see you later."
And with that I take off as fast as I can. I know it isn't fair to him or the right thing to do - but it's the only thing I can do. I don't know what I want or what to do - and I can't play with his life either. He seems happy with Sebastian and I want him to stay happy - otherwise I am just being selfish. I can't offer him what Sebastian can - I don't think I can offer him anything. I don't know what this is - all I know it is something - and it's scary.
I walk out in the cool October afternoon. I have no where to be right now nor any place I really want to go. I don't like the way I left things with Noah. He was there for me when I needed him. Yet when he needs a friend I am running away. He went out of his way for me - and yet I can't even spend two seconds with the guy. I'm such a jerk. But I feel like there isn't anything I can do.
I start walking towards the school gym where we have our volleyball practice. There is no practice for today but I know it's a place I can be alone. Besides I need to work on my serves. I'm glad to see it is empty when I get there. I make my way to the lockers to throw my bag and other crap in. I just can't shake this feeling inside of me. I feel like a horrible person. I am a horrible person. I shouldn't have treated Noah this way. He deserves so much better.
After grabbing a ball from the storage closet I make my way back on to the court. Alright - just focus on serving the ball. Don't think about anything else. I position myself behind the line and look down. Breath. With my left hand I toss the ball and look up.
What the hell?
"Noah ... "
The ball rises and then falls beside me.
"Hi ... "
What in the world is he doing here?
"I um ... I'm surprised to see you here ... "
"I'm a bit surprised to be here myself." He pauses, "Jordan ... what's going on with you?"
Oh crap. "Noah ... I'm sorry ... "
"That's not an answer."
I pause. "I know."
"Is what you saw on Friday the problem?"
"No ... no, no it's not. It isn't. Noah, if you want to be with Sebastian than I am happy for you."
"Then why did you run away?"
"I was stupid - a jerk. Noah, I was surprised - really surprised. I've known you for what - two months almost now and you never said anything about liking guys. I just over reacted I guess."
"I want to believe you - but I don't. Why not call for the presentation? Why show up in the nick of time? Why leave right away? The way I see it - you're trying to avoid me."
"It's not like that at all."
"Then how is it?"
Silence. I don't know what to say.
He continues,"look, the presentation is done. You're free of me now. Goodbye Jordan."
He turns around to walk away.
I lean forward and pick up the ball off of the floor.
"Hey wait," I yell. He turns around. "Here," I say tossing him the ball.
"Why are you giving this to me?"
"Volley it back to me."
"Jordan, I don't have time to play games."
"This will only take a second. Volley it back."
"You know I suck at this."
"I know. Just do it - volley it back to me."
"Jordan .... "
"Just do it. It won't kill you. Throw it up - spread out your fingers and then hit it and volley it back."
"Fine."
He throws it up - and hits it with his hand - or rather slaps it with his fingers. The ball barely reaches me.
"Okay not bad - but you're not trying to hit it with your entire finger - just the tip really."
"What's the point of all of this Jordan?"
I volley it back to him. "Why do you have to ask so many questions? For once can you just follow instructions without questioning them?"
"Fine ... "
"Now try it again - throw it up - and this time hit it with the tip of your fingers. Let the ball come closer to you and push out with your elbows. Hey! That was much better - see you're learning already."
"Great ... I can volley a ball."
"Well now you won't get hit in the head with a volleyball again. I told you I would teach you once before - and I'm keeping my word. Do you think I just said a lot of stuff in class to pass time? I know I acted like a jerk - and I'm sorry for that - but that doesn't mean I lied before when I said I thought we were friends. I do think we are. So I don't know what you mean when you say I'm free of you - because buddy, the way I see it, you're not free of me. Now this time try not to cringe when you hit the ball - it won't kill you. You might break a nail - I can't guarantee anything ... "
"Wow, real funny ... " He volleys it back to me.
"That's much better - see you're getting the hang of this."
"Don't pity me. I know I suck. "
"So you forgive me for the way I acted?"
"I shouldn't ... "
"But you're going to."
"I never said that."
"You implied it, which is good enough for me. Okay now bumping ... "
He is a bit reluctant throughout our whole volleyball session. I can tell he is still angry and a bit confused as to whether I am acting genuine or not. But slowly the ice starts to melt away.
"See this isn't too bad is it?" I say to him.
"My arms are multi shades of red."
"Yeah that happens usually the first time you play after a while. Don't worry it will go away .... So, you and Sebastian .. how long has that been going on?"
He doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He hesitates. Perhaps that was too soon. I want to show him I am okay with what he chooses for himself. In fact its better for me if he is with Sebastian.
"Not that long really. Friday was actually our first date ... "
"Oh and I ruined it didn't I. Crap. Sorry man."
"It's okay. I'm still trying to figure all of this out. "
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Sebastian is the first guy I have ever been with. I'm not really sure what I'm doing."
He tries to volley a ball near the ground and trips over. What a guy. I go over to him and help him up.
"If the ball is too low don't volley it - bump it. Yeah with your hand. Man you're a lost cause." He gets up. We're close together. I move away to grab the ball. "Well, I think you two make a good couple. He's a great guy and he will keep you happy."
"Thanks, I guess ... "
"And don't worry - your secret is safe with me."
"Thank you Jordan."
"Your other secret though ... I can't promise anything."
"What secret?"
"Your amazing volleyball skills ... not sure I can keep that secret for you."
"You're funny."
"I know. DUDE! Don't move away form the ball - this isn't dodge ball!!! Dear lord you have a lot to learn ... "
*** NOAH ***
Damn my arms hurt! I think that volleyball was out to kill me. That conversation did not go as I expected. I was talking about something else and yet he managed to completely change the subject and turn the conversation. I was there to end things - and yet he managed to reel be back in. Damn you Jordan.
We played - or well - I pretended to play for another 30 minutes. We talked a bit more. He made fun of me - cursed my skill level. Everything seemed normal and yet it felt different. He brought up Sebastian a few times. Kept telling me how great of a guy he is and how I should be with him.
I wanted to ask Jordan why he had come to my place on Friday. According to Jenn it was to tell me that he had never said anything bad against me - and to tell me Sebastian was lying. Yet he didn't mention anything about that. Instead he was all pro-Sebastian. It just felt like he was tyring to push me away. It felt like he was trying to make me closer to Sebastian so he wouldn't feel as bad about it. The more I think about it the more I realize that ultimately it feels like Jordan is distancing himself. I'm not sure what it is - but it makes no difference. I'm with Sebastian - he's with Jenn. I'm going to make this work.
And yet oddly enough before I left Jordan told me about his game on Friday. He asked if I was going to come - or rather if I was going to come because of Sebastian. I told him I didn't know yet and I would think about it. I really don't get Jordan. It seems like he wants to be friends and yet at the same time it seems like he doesn't. Maybe he is being nice to me for the sake of Jenn? I honestly don't know. I need to stop over thinking everything. I am going to go and have a good night with Sebastian. That is the only thing I need to think about tonight.
I get home around 7:00. After getting ready I go to Sebastian's place. If I can take anything away from today it is what Jordan said in the presentation - live life. So here I am. I am going to give this relationship with Sebastian the best I can and we will see where it goes.
I get buzzed in and make my way over to Sebastian's room. Standing outside the door I can tell we are having take out - Chinese food. I can hear dishes clattering and someone working away at a rapid pace. See, he went out of his way for me to prepare - or order in - this dinner. I knock on the door and exhale.
"Hey Noah,"
"Hi Sebastian."
"Someone sure looks sexy tonight."
I blush, "thanks."
"Come on in."
I walk into his apartment with high expectations. A nice, quiet dinner with Sebastian. A time to unwind and relax. This can work between the two of us. He really does care about me and this relationship. This is the right thing to do.
If I only knew.
In 30 minutes those expectations are crushed ... and I leave the room in a state I could never have imagined ...
*** JORDAN ***
I make my way over to the gym to get ready for volleyball practice. It's Thursday and we have a game tomorrow. This is my first real practice back with the team. It's good - it will keep me on my toes - alert - and distracted for a while. After changing I make my way onto the court and start to volley the ball with a couple of guys. It's good to get back into a regular routine. It feels nice.
Of course my few moments of delusion are wiped away when Sebastian walks into the door. My plan is to avoid him - just make myself busy with something else. I don't want to admit it but I am jealous of him. Jealous of what he has with Noah. Whenever I see him I replay the scene from last Friday - Sebastian kissing Noah. And deep down inside when I see that image I want that to be me. I try to shake it out of my head. As I am lost in thought the ball slips away from me and rolls behind the bleacher. I run after it and get closer to Sebastian who is talking to some other guys. I know I shouldn't listen in - but I can't help it.
"How was your weekend?" a guy asks Sebastian.
"It was alright - spent some time with the family. You?" He says.
"Me and my girl went up to my parents cottage and got it on all weekend. It was nice. You seeing anyone right now? You haven't mentioned anyone in a while?" the other guy says.
"Yeah I am - just starting seeing someone recently."
"Who is she?"
"You don't know them," Sebastian replies.
"How long has it been going on?"
"A couple of weeks I think."
"Something serious?"
"Nah."
"Booty call?"
I don't hear Sebastian's response. All I hear next is the guy say "You dog" or rather "You dawg."
I feel a gush of warm blood rush to my head. Sebastian's words make my body shake with anger. Is Noah just some conquest to him? I feel the urge to punch Sebastian. Was that all he wanted, to sleep with Noah? Stop. I'm overreacting. Don't be stupid. I don't know why I am getting angry - if the two of them are together in that way then whatever - none of my business. Besides, Sebastian isn't out so he could just be making crap up to please his friends. Just calm down.
I slip back out from behind the bleachers and go to the farthest corner of the gym. I can barely concentrate throughout practice - images of Sebastian with Noah keep coming into my head. It annoys me - the thought of the two of them together. But I have no right to be annoyed. I need to just let this go.
"Alright guys, that's it for this week," Sebastian says. "Remember we have our game tomorrow."
The guys start to disperse and I quickly try to make my getaway but it doesn't work.
"Jordan can I have a word with you?" Sebastian asks.
Ah crap.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"You seem a bit off today. Everything okay?"
"Yeah man, just a little tired that's all - but I will be well rested by tomorrow so don't worry."
"I'm counting on that. You're one of my best players - but you're not playing like you usually do."
"I'll be fine."
"Okay, sounds good." He looks around to see if anyone is near us. "Also, I wanted to talk to you about last Friday."
I know I already said this but -- ah crap.
"Okay ... " I reply.
"I hope you haven't said anything about what you saw on Friday."
"I haven't and I won't."
"I'm not out and neither is Noah so ... "
"I won't say anything - you have my word."
"Thanks man - I appreciate it."
"I'll see you later. Bye."
Oh that was awkward.
The week sure did go by fast. I know it was a short week - seeing how I got back on Tuesday - but I can't believe it's already Friday. I go back to work tomorrow morning as well. I was off because of my foot for the past couple of weeks. Everything is going well. I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible. There is no real reason why I want to be busy, though I find it easier because then my mind doesn't have time to wander and think about other things or other people ...
Anyways, I've been good since Wednesday night. I've decided I am going to stick with Jenn and make things work and so far so good. The only problem is today will be a bit different. He will be in class with me. At first I thought about skipping English class but I can't do that - I'm finally on good terms with the professor. Another option was just making sure I go right before class starts so I have to sit at the front again. Yet for some odd reason I find myself leaving extra early for class today. It's nice outside and I wanted to walk slowly through campus and take in the fresh air. Well, that didn't really happen either. I found myself walking quickly instead and here I am - in class - with about 20 minutes to go before it starts.
Fine, I'll admit it as much as I am trying to avoid Noah - I came early because I wanted to see him. I want to talk to him - I like talking to him. He is the one person I have found I can be myself around - no pretending, no acting a certain way to fit into a group. John's great but he can be annoying. Eli is in another world. Jenn's amazing but I feel like I am always trying to impress her. With Noah - I'm just me. And he makes me laugh. I spoke to him the first time on Wednesday after what I think was a week and I liked it - even though my whole plan was to try and push him towards Sebastian. But still I need to limit how much I interact with Noah because it's not helping me.
Slowly the room starts to fill in. I keep looking at the door expecting him to walk in at any moment - but he doesn't. The prof makes his way in and shuts the door. I guess Noah decided to skip today.
Class is really going to suck. And it does.
I have no interest in what the professor is saying. I am disappointed Noah didn't come today - and yet a bit relieved. This is better because it keeps me on my plan - but then at the same time I'm bored out of my mind.
After an hour the prof lets us go and be free in the world. The moment I step outside my phone rings. The first thought to go through my head is Noah. But it's not him - it's John.
"Hey John, what's up?"
"Wanted to know what your plan is for tonight."
"I have a game man."
"Oh, ditch it - let's go out and have fun."
"I can't - why don't you come and watch?"
"Man, we've been through this - unless it's women in bikinis playing beach volleyball - no thanks."
"Yeah, right. Fine, whatever. I'll catch you guys another time."
"Alright, talk to you later man."
"Bye."
As much as I like John as a friend he really can be a jerk sometimes. Would it kill him to support me in the things that I like to do? It's usually just what he wants to do - clubs, partying, drinking and all of that. Everything else to him is just boring. It's not that I don't like going out once in a while - but it's not something I want to do every single weekend. He's never actually been to a single one of my games - he always dismisses it - I don't know why I even bother with him.
Then there is Noah on the other hand who went out of his way to be there for me at my last game. Such a huge difference between the two. It would be nice if Noah came tonight ...
There isn't much time left until the game tonight so I make my way over the gym to change and warm up. I'm looking forward to this game - a chance to redeem myself after how I played in the first one. Also Jenn will be there so it's a good chance to impress Noah, crap, ah I mean Jenn, with how I play - that is as long as I don't fuck up again.
After warming up I make my way into the gym. The bleachers are slowly starting to fill in a bit. There are a few more people here to see us play - though not that many. Soon the game gets underway. I'm not doing too bad. I haven't seen Jenn yet. I'm sure she is on her way.
Half time - still no sign of her.
The game is about to end and still I see no sign of her. We are winning - thanks in large part to the other guys on the team. That's not to say I haven't helped as well - I've scored a number of points.
It's the last set. We are up 22 to 15. That's when I notice Jenn enter the gym and take a seat near the back. Well at least she made it for part of the game. When it's all over, we emerge as winners. It feels good to win. I make my way over to the bleachers where Jenn is waiting for me.
"I'm so sorry Jordan for being late."
"It's okay - you made it though so it's all good. You look a bit stressed, everything okay?"
"No, I've been looking for Noah ... "
"Why?"
"I've been trying to find him for the past 2 days. He missed two of our classes yesterday, and one today morning. He won't answer his phone - he's not online - I even went to his place and he isn't there either."
"Oh ... yeah he wasn't in English class today either."
"He's not like this. He usually calls me back or is easy to find. I checked the library, the local coffee shops but nothing. I'm getting really worried about him."
"Maybe he went back home."
"No, I checked their too. I know his mom so I called her to wish her a happy thanksgiving - it was the only cover I could think of. She was saying how I should come with Noah the next time he comes back home. By the way she said it - he's not there either."
"Anywhere else he could have gone?"
"Not that I can think of. I'm really worried about him."
"Jenn I am sure he is fine - there is probably a very simple explanation for all of this - but just to put you at ease I will help you find him. I'm going to go change and shower real quick okay. I'll be back in five."
"Thanks Jordan. I'm going to call some of his other friends in the meantime."
I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure he is fine and just misplaced his phone and is busy with something else. Though for two days? Even I am feeling a bit worried right now. Say if something happened to him? No - he's probably okay. But two days and no contact? That is weird. My heart starts to pump blood faster. I begin to feel a bit sick in the stomach. This doesn't make sense - no one just disappears for two days without anyone knowing where they went.
I quickly change and shower and head back to the gym where I can see Jenn pacing back and forth on the phone.
"Alright, thanks, bye." Jenn says shutting the phone. She turns to me, "nothing - no one has heard from him."
"Alright - do you want to stick together or split up and cover more ground?"
"I guess it makes sense to split up."
"Did you check the English building?"
"No."
"Don't they have those lounges on the top floor?"
"Yeah."
"How about you check their - and I will go to the local hospital and see if he is there."
"Okay - call me if you hear anything okay."
"I will - I promise."
"Thank you Jordan. I'm sorry I ruined our date."
"Don't be - this is more important."
"Remember, call me."
"I will - bye."
The two of us part ways. Okay. It's fine. He's fine. No need to worry. But I am. Everyone told me to live life and embrace it and yet I am the idiot who decided to run away from everything and now what, say if it's too late? Say if I never get the chance again and end up like Septimus - depressed in thoughts. I'm over reacting - I am sure it's going to be fine - I am sure he is fine. Well for now at least, I think when we find him Jenn is going to kick the crap out of him - and I might have to throw in some kicks as well.
I'm walking at lightening speed to the hospital. I am basically out of breath by the time I get there. I check emergency first and then go to the main hospital reception. He's not here - no patient with his name has been checked in. For the first time I let out a sigh of relief. I'm glad he isn't here. But if he isn't here then where is he?
Jenn doesn't wait for me to call - she calls me first.
"Hey Jenn, he's not here."
"Not here either. Where the hell is he?"
The two of us meet up again back on campus and walk around - the library, some other buildings and finally the coffee shops again.
"We've tried everywhere," I say.
"Should we file a report with the police?"
"I guess so. First, get something warm to drink - you're shivering."
"I'm fine Jordan."
"No you're not - you need your energy. Sit here I am getting you a hot chocolate. Be back in a second."
I walk up to the counter and place the order.
"That'll be $1.50 please."
"Sure, just one sec ... where in the world ... ah crap." I forgot my wallet in my locker at the gym! "Um, I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I'll be back in a minute, sorry."
I walk back over to Jenn. "Hey, I forgot my wallet in my locker at the gym. The building is close by so I'm just going to go and grab it - wait here - I will be back in like 5 minutes okay."
"Okay. I think my feet need some rest anyways."
"Be back real quick."
I run back out into the cold night. Shit Noah where the fuck are you? I keep convincing myself he's okay - but it's getting harder and harder to do so. In my mind I am sure he is fine, but my emotions keep saying something else. What if I blew it? What if I don't ever get another chance again? Then what?
I run into the change room and open my locker. I grab my wallet and start to head back out into the gym. I walk out into the gym and across the court. I am almost at the end when I notice something in the corner of my eye. I turn around and look towards the bleachers. Someone is sitting there - head down.
"Noah?"
They look up.
Thank god.
It's him.
I run over to the bleachers.
"Hi ... " he says standing up.
"Hi ... "
I look into his eyes.
Put my right arm around his waist.
Lean in.
And without thinking ...
The End.
Of Chapter 11 that is.
Thanks for hanging around for the ride so far. I will try to put out Chapter 12 faster.
Can't wait for that and want a sneak preview? Well then - send me a note to mr_e08@hotmail.com and I will send you along shortly a sample of what is to come.
Remember to drop me a line if you have any comments also. Constructive feedback is always welcome.
Ethan.