Noah and Jordan

The following story is a work of fiction - and does not represent any living person. The story will in the future contain sex between two adult consenting men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.

Wow - quite the response from people. I think only 1 or 2 people like Sebastian. He's not that bad guys! And you're all honestly telling me you wouldn't be tempted to jump into bed with him? Yeah, I thought so!

Sorry for the delay. I am working multiple jobs right now so I have very limited time to write. I also ended up rewriting most of this chapter multiple times - and I am still not completely happy with it. As for the wait - this chapter is by far the longest in the series. So there.

Enjoy, Ethan.

--------------- Chapter 10 ---------------

**** NOAH ****

I can't believe Jenn. I turn around and walk off in the opposite direction. First Jordan messes with my head and now my friends. I thought Jenn was my best friend and would never ditch me. But clearly I'm wrong - she shows her true colours after all. Our friendship is worth less than some guy she just got to know tonight. There really is only one person who really cares. It's time to face the music and live life. I take out my phone and dial a number.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sebastian."

"Hey Noah, I'm glad you called. About tonight ... "

"Sebastian," I cut him off, "I have an answer for you ... "

I hesitate for a moment.

"Yeah ... ?" he says.

My mouth goes dry. Okay, just relax. "I ... "

"Noah, what the hell is wrong with you!?"

I turn around to see Jenn standing behind me, arms on her hips and the look of death on her face.

"I'll call you back," I say to Sebastian before shutting the phone and slipping it into my pocket.

"You just take off over something so trivial?" she says.

"Well there was nothing left to say."

"I thought you would know by now I'm not that easy to get rid of. I'm not letting you go until you explain exactly what's going on."

"Jenn ... "

"Don't make me kick your ass - because you know I will. I'll beat an answer out of you if I have to."

I smile and let out a small laugh. I'm such an idiot. I was wrong about Jenn.

"You find this funny somehow?" she says.

"No I don't. I just realized how stupid I've been acting. I'm sorry."

"Well, you can say that again. If it bothers you that much I won't go out with him - but I think I at least deserve to know why it bugs you so much."

She's right. If I am going to be so demanding I think she does deserve to know.

"You're right."

"I usually am - you should know that by now. I don't understand you Noah, you throw a tantrum and storm off. You're usually the calm and laid back one - I'm the dramatic one in this friendship. You know, you're usually the voice of reason - the one that stops me from doing dumb things. But now you're acting like someone I don't even know. What's bothering you so much? We're friends Noah. I thought you could talk to me about anything."

We start walking back home together. I really do feel like an idiot now for doubting how loyal a friend Jenn is. She clearly does care. She cared enough to come back for me - as opposed to just leaving.

You know what - so she goes out with Jordan and it doesn't work out - she's a grown up and she can handle herself. Jenn isn't a typical girl - she would break Jordan's other foot if he tried anything.

"I just over reacted. I don't want to lose you as a friend - and I don't think you going out with Jordan is a good idea. But that said - if you want to go out with him that's your choice and I am fine by it. Just be careful."

"I'm always careful - you know me. But I still don't understand why you don't want me to go out with him. You seem to be friends with him which means he is a good guy ... "

"Well I thought we were friends."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks.

"Well long story short, I found out he was just hanging out with me because of the English project and that's it. So no, I guess we aren't friends - and so I don't want him to be fake with you as well."

"But Noah that doesn't make much sense. Why would he invite you to his volleyball game?"

True - I had thought about that as well. He did seem genuine when he asked me to the game. I still remember how nervous he was about it. All he had to really do was be nice to me when I was around - however - he went out of his way to include me in his activities and I couldn't really explain that.

"I don't know Jenn."

"How did you come by this information anyway?"

"Um, I was told by someone else I know."

"So you were told by someone - and not by Jordan himself. And is this person reliable?"

"I think so."

"You think so - you're not sure though. Noah all I can say is don't jump to conclusions until you find out things for yourself. Whoever told you whatever they told you could have been misinformed. You know how people take things out of context all the time."

"You're right."

"Again, we covered that already - I usually am."

"Yeah sure buddy."

"So don't think the worse until you really know what Jordan said. Alright I'm home. So we're good?"

"Yes Jenn we're good."

"And if I go out with Jordan you're okay with it?"

"Yes - as I said - just be careful."

"You know, I'll never understand how your crazy little brain works."

"You know what - I don't think I will ever either. Good night Jenn."

'Night. Remember I'll see you tomorrow."

"What for?"

"Ah, midterms! Remember we're studying together. You know Monday's midterm is going to be killer. The prof just likes to annoy us on purpose."

"Yeah he is annoying. But ah, I might be busy tomorrow." I had kind of made plans with Sebastian - well sort of. I didn't actually say yes.

"Well you did say you would help me study. And can't whatever you have to do wait? I need your help or I just might not pass."

"Fine, I'll see you tomorrow."

I part ways with Jenn and head home. By the time I get to my apartment it's almost 2 in the morning. I don't even change my clothes, I just flop down onto the bed. Within seconds I'm asleep.

Awwww. I stretch my arms out and open my eyes. I glance over at the clock - 11:37 a.m. - not too bad. The sun is streaming in through the windows along with a slightly cool breeze. It's such a beautiful morning. I decide to just lay in bed; the world can wait. I can hear the birds sitting on my window sill chirping away. Of course my peaceful moment is broken by my cell phone buzzing. I have messages. Great.

Two missed calls and two text messages - both from Sebastian. Shit! Sebastian. I forgot to call him back last night. I was so tired I went right to sleep.

First message: "Waiting for your call ... "

Second message: "Still waiting man ... everything okay?"

Crap. I said I had an answer for him and then I hung up. He must think I am such a jerk. Though I'm kind of glad I didn't end up saying anything to him. Jenn made a really good point last night - how much can I trust Sebastian? Everything I've heard about Jordan has come from him - and yet Jordan has treated me quite differently. Did Sebastian lie to me? Why though? He too does seem genuine. But then again he has his own interests at heart. He knows I like Jordan, so maybe by getting me to think Jordan doesn't like me then I would move closer to him. It makes sense. But would he go that far? He clearly seems like a guy who gets what he wants. Maybe he would.

Then again yesterday Jordan and I barely talked. In fact when his other friends were around it was like I didn't even exist. So perhaps Sebastian is right - perhaps when Jordan doesn't have others around then and only then I am his friend. Honestly, I don't know what or who to believe!

Besides all that - what do I say to Sebastian? Now he's expecting me to give him some sort of an answer. Oh man. The thing is no matter how afraid I am - I do want to be with someone. Sebastian is a great guy and I really would be lucky to be with him. Also, Jordan is just a fantasy - I need to wake up and realize the facts. Besides I don't even know what Jordan thinks of me now after what he saw yesterday in Sebastian's room. I wouldn't even know what to make of that. Though it was kind of dark - so I am hoping he didn't see much.

Though it would have been so much better if Jordan hadn't interrupted us. Sebastian really does know how to tease a guy. I don't think I have ever been that hard in my life. Then feeling his hand on me - was just ... Okay, that doesn't answer my question about what I should do. Am I ready to actually be gay? I'm not sure when I will be ready but that shouldn't stop me from trying to live life. Even if I spend some time with Sebastian - what harm can it do? If it doesn't work out - so what. As long as I am careful people will think we are just friends. I might as well give it a try.

Alright - I pick up the phone and dial his number. It rings ... and rings ... and rings.

"Hi, you've reached Sebastian - leave a message."

"Hey, it's me, Noah. Sorry about last night. Give me a call when you get a chance. I'm out of the house all day for some errands so I guess we will have to reschedule our plans for today. Call me back. Bye."

Okay now I need to get my lazy ass up and get over to Jenn's place. Midterms. Fun.

*** JORDAN ***

Freedom. Oh how I love it. Finally my foot is free! After three long weeks in that stupid brace I can finally walk on my own two feet. I was at the doctor's office this morning and he said my ankle had healed. When he took off the brace - damn my foot stunk! The skin was all yellowish and nasty and just really disgusting. The first thing I did when I got home was take a shower. Unfortunately it still smells a little, but it's a bit more bearable now.

It's a good thing I have both my feet because I sure did use them today. I had to run across campus to get to my English class on time. It's already Wednesday - and I have my midterm. By the time I get there I am out of breath - but good thing I make it on time - well in the nick of time. The prof is just about to close the door when I zip right past him. He gives me this look and I can tell he is disappointed I made it. Instinctively I make my way over to Noah and sit down.

"Your foot?" he says.

"Yeah got it off today."

The prof interrupts us. "Alright class - everyone put your books away and just keep out anything you need to write. You have 1 hour. You may begin."

And the torture begins.

It's a brutal test. Really brutal. It's like the prof found the most obscure points in the book to test us on. Noah finishes and goes out into the hall. I write until the last minute. We get a 15 minute break and then we have a lecture. I hate profs who do that - a midterm and then a lecture. After handing in my paper I sit back down on my seat. With the door open now I can see Noah standing and talking on his phone. I'm not sure why but I think about him talking to Sebastian. Ever since Saturday I have thought about what I saw in that room a number of times ... okay a lot. It was dark but I am quite sure I saw Sebastian's hand on Noah's pants. It just didn't make much sense though. I had gone through several scenarios in my head but none of them made much sense. Sebastian's straight - I know he is. He's dated like half of the cheerleading team. And I know Noah has had a girlfriend. I keep thinking perhaps I saw something wrong. Maybe they were drunk and just being weird. I also was quite drunk - but still it didn't make any sense at all.

"How did you find the midterm?" I say to Noah when he comes back into the classroom. Even though I know I've been angry at Noah I can't help but talk to him. I don't know why but I kind of miss his company. I still don't like that he was being all secretive about things but if he wants to be friends with Sebastian so be it. Why should I care? Also, it's been a few days ever since I had one of those x-rated dreams with Noah in them. Now that I am sort of dating Jenn they have stopped. I knew that was it - the dreams were just me being horny. So I have no more dreams and I am going to be dating Jenn - so everything has worked out for the best in the end.

"It was kind of hard actually."

"Kind of hard? Dude that was brutal!"

"Yeah you could say that."

"Honestly I had no idea what I was writing - I just made up a lot of crap and put it down."

"You had to know a lot of weird little facts that didn't really pertain to any of the books."

"I know - I hate stupid profs who get pleasure out of torturing stu .... "

"Jordan - " Noah's eyes go wide and he motions me to shut up. He signals me to turn around. Of course the prof is standing right behind me.

"I just wanted to remind you two that you have your presentation next week. I'm sure you are preparing quite hard. You wouldn't want to torture your classmates."

Of course he puts a lot of emphasis on the word torture which means he heard what I said. When he leaves I turn back to Noah. "How much do you think he heard?"

"I think a little too much."

"I think he already hates me."

"Well if he didn't hate you before - he sure does now."

"I shouldn't have taken English as an elective. All my friends took bird courses - introduction to geography."

"But do you really care to know what the capital of Zimbabwe is?"

"I already know, it's Harare - see I would have aced that class. But you know what - at least through this class I met you and made a new friend - so it works out in the end."

"Yeah I guess so."

He gets kind of quiet all of a sudden. He is a strange guy. It's almost like I said something very unexpected. This oddness in him - him being shy - it's just typical Noah. It makes me laugh. I don't know why I'm in such a better mood today. Maybe it's not having the brace anymore. Whatever it is - but I just feel good. Also, I have a game tomorrow night - and I am going to ask Jenn to come along. So I have Jenn and if Noah is friends with Sebastian then that's fine. It seems like everything is going good for a change.

"Yo look over there," I say to Noah.

"What?"

"Acne face."

"What's he doing."

"Popping his pimple."

"Oh god that's nasty."

"Euch ... " both of us make the same disgusted noise at the same time. He pops his pimple - the oil leaks on to his hand - and he wipes it onto his jeans. Of course both of us were a bit too loud.

"I'm sorry if you two are done talking out loud may I continue?" the prof says.

Both of us just nod in silence.

"Thank you. Now we have a presentation today - the first one on Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. So will the group come and set up."

One the prof is done talking I turn to Noah. "Yeah I am so failing this class."

"If you're sinking don't take me down with you."

"Oh I'm dragging down everyone I can. Look acne boy's at it again."

"Stop it man or I think the prof is going to kill you with his stare. O god, that's so nasty." He says looking over at acne boy.

"Okay fine I'll stop. Wouldn't want nerd boy to get a bad grade for once in his life."

"Excuse me - I've done bad in classes before."

"Really? And your worst mark?"

"Uh - a B plus."

"Wow - how horrible."

"Dude - they're starting. Shut up."

"Fine, fine."

But of course I don't. Instead I start writing down notes and passing them to Noah. Every time I can tell he is trying not to laugh. It's either acne boy or the prof. The prof actually falls asleep during the presentation - it's that boring! The group presenting has no idea what they are talking about. They actually spell the author's name in the power point Vigina Wolf - which of course was close enough to vagina and no where close to Virginia Woolf. I nudge Noah and I whisper into his ear.

"I didn't know her name was Vagina. Look how they have it on their power point."

He starts to laugh and this time a bit too loud. The prof wakes up.

"Alright the two of you - get out."

"Sorry sir, we'll ... " Noah starts to say.

"Both of you gossiping queens - out now!"

I grab my stuff and we quickly leave the room. Once outside I am afraid to look at Noah. He probably wants to kill me. But he starts to laugh - and not just laugh but he starts turning shades of purple. I don't know what's so funny but I can't help but join him.

"Oh man, I don't know why I'm laughing. You jerk - you got us kicked out of class!" he says.

"But you know you enjoyed it."

"Oh thank god - I'm not sure I could've handled any more of that presentation. Vagina Wolf - come on!"

"Yeah that was good."

"You know I've never been kicked out of a class before."

"Well there's a first time for everything."

"Yeah I guess so," he says.

A weird eerie silence falls between us.

"Hey, um, tomorrow night is, um, ah, our second volleyball game. I'll be playing again. Um, not for too long because the doc says not to be on my foot for too long, um ... but yeah, ah, I thought I would, ah, let you know."

"Okay. I have another midterm on Friday so ... "

"Yeah, yeah of course. I thought I would just, um, let you know because you said how you were interested in the team. Remember you, um, said you were a fan?"

"Yeah, I remember ... "

Crap that was stupid of me. Change the topic quick. "So if you have some time should we finalize our presentation for next week?"

"Sure," he says.

*** NOAH ***

"So, as we had discussed before we will start off by talking about how Clarissa defines her sexuality" I say.

"Right, you will start off describing her encounter with Sally and what that means for her."

"Yep. About how to her that wasn't being gay but rather just living life."

"Okay, and then I will talk about her marriage to Richard and how it is a marriage of convenience."

"Exactly, so how she goes the 'straight route' if you will, but how she never forgets her past."

'Okay and from there?"

"Then I will talk about how Woolf throws in the curve ball by bringing in Peter. I will talk about how Clarissa dreams about what married life would be like with him. So this is how we assume that perhaps Clarissa is bi and not a lesbian. We can tie this into how there were always rumours that Woolf herself was a lesbian - even though she married a guy. So we can talk about how perhaps this was Woolf fooling herself - how you can be a lesbian but happily marry a guy."

"Right, and we also will mention how Sally turns out to be a happy housewife - so Woolf shows that perhaps that kiss was nothing and it was just Sally being impulsive."

"Yep so we cover most themes I guess. Is Clarissa a lesbian or bi? How she defines herself. How Woolf tries to confuse the plot - and perhaps why Woolf would do that - because she herself might have been a lesbian as well."

"Sounds like we have everything down pact," he says.

"Yeah I guess so. Should we meet up some time next week before the presentation?"

"Yeah how's Tuesday night for you?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Alright, I'll give you a call on Tuesday then. See ya later."

"Bye."

It seems like we are in good shape. Talking all about this in front of Jordan is difficult. I just want to make sure I don't say too much to him that would lead him on to anything. I can relate to Clarissa - the confusion, trying to figure out who you really are. Would I in the end marry someone out of convenience? Would I marry a girl because that's what I think is right as opposed to what I want and the person I love? I don't know. I do like girls - or I think I do - but is that strong enough? I guess I won't really know until I get to that stage.

Alright - stop depressing yourself. I must say I really enjoyed English class today after a long time. I know I was angry at Jordan but when he started to talk to me it all seemed to melt away. I just had this nagging feeling in me that perhaps we were friends. I know it's stupid for me to get closer to him because I know I am just setting myself up for a fall - but the thing is even if nothing works out romantically between us - even if we are just friends - than that is fine by me. Of course the big question is if we are friends. But then today in class he said how the one good thing about taking the course was becoming friends with me. He seemed so real. I don't think he could have faked that. I don't think he is that good of an actor. So if he wasn't acting - then that means Sebastian did lie to me - or at least didn't tell me the whole truth. Honestly I really only know one thing - someone is lying to me - I just have to figure out who.

I am also relieved that Jordan didn't mention anything about Saturday - about Sebastian and me in the room together. Since Sunday I have been really nervous he would say something. Of course if he did bring it up I was going to deny anything like that had happened. I was going to say Sebastian was just shifting positions and was about to fall when he put his hand on my leg. I know it wasn't much - but it was all I could think of! Also I would go down the route of how it was dark and how Jordan had been drinking. Of course calling someone a drunk always goes over well. In the end though, he didn't say anything. Every time he started a new sentence I thought he was going to say something - but he completely avoided the subject. Perhaps it was dark and he didn't see much. I sure as hell hope that was the case.

Also, I would think I would be very angry at him for getting us thrown out of class - but for some reason I just really don't care. After so many days of confusion and anger it was really nice to just hang out with Jordan. To just talk and laugh. He always makes me laugh. The thing is that's the hard part. The closer I seem to get to him the farther I am. I feel good when he's around but now that he's gone I realize this is how it will always be. I will always be left with this void.

The more I think about it I don't want to have that void at the end of the day. I want to be happy. The only person who can offer me that is Sebastian. He ended up calling me on Monday. He told me how his phone battery died because he left it on Saturday night waiting for me to call. I brought up the topic of me giving him an answer but I could tell he realized I was still hesitant so he didn't press me on it. He actually told me to tell him Friday night. Since we didn't meet up on Sunday, we decided we would go out Friday and see how things go. He said after he had "wowed" me I could let him know. I thought that was fair. I'm kind of excited - my first date with a guy. It was weird saying it - date - but the word was starting to grow on me.

Sebastian also called me during my English class today. He asked me to come by tomorrow night for the team's second volleyball game. I told him I would think about it. Now it seems like Jordan is inviting me to. Well he didn't really invite me - but he did in a very weird sort of indirect way.

My phone starts to ring. It's Jenn.

"Hey Jenn."

"Hey Noah - how was English class?"

"Eventful. I got kicked out of class."

"I know."

"You know? How do you know?"

"I just spoke to Jordan - he told me."

"Ah he beat me to it."

"Yeah he called actually to ask if I was free Friday night."

"Okay, so?"

"And I just wanted to run it by you - to make sure you're still okay with this."

"I told you I'm fine. You can say yes."

"Ah - I already did."

"So then why are you asking me now if you already said yes?"

"I figured you would say yes - and if you didn't - I'm sure I would have convinced you with my awesome charm."

"Your awesome charm eh? Make sure you bring it to your date Friday night - it will sure help you."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Of course not - would I mock you? Can someone mock someone with such an awesome charm as you?"

"Oh shut up."

"So where is he taking you?"

"To dinner. He actually also told me his first volleyball game is tomorrow. He said that didn't really count as a date and he would take me out properly the night after."

"Oh." So he had invited her too. I should have known.

"Did he mentioned the game to you as well?"

"Yeah in passing he did."

"Are you going?"

"Ah probably not." I want to go but I also think going would be a bad idea. I think I need to keep some distance between me and Jordan.

"If you change your mind let me know, we'll go together. Do you have plans for Friday night?"

"Nope." I wanted to tell her I had plans but I didn't know how to explain I was going out with Sebastian. She didn't even know we were friends. I had been thinking a lot about telling Jenn about being bi but every time I said I would I chicken out. There is just this nagging feeling in me that I shouldn't. Also telling her would mean I would have to accept my sexuality in the open. I had accepted myself in my head but not actually out loud. I still couldn't say it out loud. Every time I know I am alone I want to say it but I can't - I feel afraid someone will hear me and than everyone will know. If I tell Jenn than it's out there - I can never take it back again. I'm just not sure I am ready to do that now.

"Okay. So now, tell me more about how you got kicked out of class?"

I tell her the whole story - about how it all went down.

"So then you're cool with Jordan again?"

"I guess so - he sure seemed like it."

"You know I could ask him on Friday ... "

"No," I cut her off, "you won't."

"But then you will know the truth."

"Can you imagine how it would be - you asking him if he thought we were friends? He would know I asked you and I don't need anyone thinking I am that pathetic I would send my friend to ask. So keep your mouth shut."

"Fine, I won't ask."

"Thank you."

Jenn is going to get me into a lot of trouble one day. I can just feel it.

*** JORDAN ***

This week isn't turning out to be all too bad. No more brace, date with Jenn, no more weird dreams this last week, I seem to be friends with Noah again and I'm getting ready for tonigh's volleyball game. It feels like it's been forever since I was last on the court. I am really looking forward to getting into the game. I am also glad Jenn will be here to cheer me on. I've spoken to her a few times on the phone since Saturday and things are going very well between us. Of course part of me wants Noah to come along to the game as well. I wonder if he does come, if he will have any more brand new shirts he says are old. What a guy. Well perhaps he might just come - maybe not for me - but his other friend Sebastian. I still hadn't really figured out what was going on between the two of them. Of course I still had a thousand questions from Saturday but none of the answers made sense. Whatever it was - I just would have to wait to figure it out.

I'm warming up on the court when I glance up and notice Jenn making her way down the bleachers. I give her a wave and she takes a seat right near the front. I am a bit disappointed Noah is not with her. I'm about to go up to her when Sebastian calls us together.

"Alright guys - this is it. As you can all see it's our great pleasure to have Jordan back on the team with us. He won't be playing too much tonight because of his foot but nonetheless he's back. So remember - call if you need help - and fill the holes. We've beaten this team in the past and we can do it again tonight. Alright? Let's do it."

We take our places on the court and the referee blows the whistle. The game begins. At first its going very well. I really feel like I am back in the game. The other team though is really challenging us. It's almost the end of the first set - they have 24 points and we have 23. It's game point for them. I am in the centre back position and I know the ball is coming right to me. I crouch down a bit, spread my legs and get ready to hit the ball. The guy on the other team lifts his hand and tosses the ball in the air. Okay Jordan, get ready. As the ball flies into the air - I notice someone enter the gym. They are off to the right. It almost looks like Noah. I turn my head just an inch to look ...

WHAM!

Holy shit that hurt. The ball hits me right in the face and drops to the floor. The ref's whistle blows. We lose.

"Dude, what was that! Concentrate man," Sebastian says to me.

"Sorry guys."

I look back into the crowd. It was just some random guy. Damn my face hurts!

We have a short break and so I make my way over to the bleachers where Jenn is.

"Hey, I'm glad you made it."

"No problem. I am really enjoying the game. You're doing really well," she says.

"Uh, did you see that last play?"

"Yeah I had no idea what you were doing. You seemed ready to hit the ball and then you just stood there as it came and hit you in the face."

"Yeah I just lost my concentration."

"Oh well it happens to everyone I guess."

Well maybe not everyone but I know at least one other person.

For the rest of the night I just sit on the bench. I can tell my game is not up to par tonight. I think a lot of it has to do with being away from practice for three weeks. Also, I am a bit distracted. I keep looking at the door waiting for Noah to walk through - perhaps fall down the bleachers - but he doesn't. Every time the door opens my head turns to see if he is here - but it is always someone else.

"You keep looking at the door a lot," Jenn says.

"Do I? I'm just looking around that's all."

"Are you looking for anyone in particular?"

"No. Just looking at the crowd."

"Okay."

When the final whistle blows - somehow we've managed to win the game. I am a bit relieved - I didn't want the lose to be blamed on me somehow. The guys go and hit the showers and I bid farewell to Jenn.

"Thanks for coming tonight - I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it."

"So we still on for tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"Great, I'll see you then."

"See you then."

Oh how I love Fridays. Just today and then I am off for the long weekend! I don't have any real plans but still being away from school for three days is fine by me. I just have my English class today and then my date with Jenn. After class I have to go pick out some flowers and chocolates. I'm taking Jenn out to a fancy restaurant in the city centre. I really want to impress her. I really want this to work.

When I get to English class I am about to make my way over to Noah when I am stopped by the professor.

"If you wouldn't mind - I've saved you a seat right at the front."

Honestly are we in elementary school again? Seating assignments! This is lame. I guess he truly does hate me. I glance back at Noah who just gives me a shrug and a smile. Well if the prof thinks this is going to stop me - guess again. I message Noah, "WTF????"

He responds back: "Someone likes you :)"

"Seating ASSignments? What are we 2?"

"No. But I think the prof thinks you are."

"GRRRRRRRR."

Every time the prof turns around I send a message back to Noah. I just want to defy the prof in any way I can. I can tell Noah is hesitant to respond back to me - clearly getting kicked out of class for a second time in a row isn't his idea of fun.

"Alright class - that's it for today. I hope all of you have a nice long weekend," the prof says. He then comes over to me. "See, that wasn't too hard was it?"

"Have a good weekend sir." I grab my stuff and walk out of the classroom. Jerk.

"What was that about?" Noah asks when he is out of the room.

"I honestly don't know. As I said he clearly does not like me."

"He made a spot right at the front especially for you. You should be honoured."

"Oh yeah - I'm flattered. So dude - how come you didn't join Jenn last night and come to the game?"

"Sorry Jordan I just had a lot of work to do. She told me though that you played very well."

"Did she tell you about how I lost the first game?"

"No."

"Well I pulled a Noah."

"Excuse me?"

"Well the ball was coming right to me and I had my eyes right on it. I was about to hit it when I don't know where my mind went - and it smacked me right in the face. I remember you telling me how you did that before. So I guess I pulled a Noah."

"You remembered."

"Yeah." For a few seconds there is this weird silence between us. "So do you know what type of flowers Jenn likes?"

"Yeah, she likes white lilies."

"Thanks, we're going out tonight. I guess she probably told you that."

"Yeah she did."

"Alright, I am going to the flower shop. Have a good long weekend. I'll see you Tuesday."

"Sounds good - have fun."

"Thanks, you too. Bye."

And with that I'm off.

Life is so much easier when you have both feet to walk on. I have been arriving early almost everywhere this week. I guess I got used to leaving early because it would take me double the time to get somewhere when I had the crutches. After grabbing the flowers and chocolate I go home and change. I am at the restaurant promptly by 8. She arrives shortly after.

"Hey," I say getting up.

"Hi."

"These are for you," I say handing over the flowers and chocolates.

"White lilies - my favourite. Let me guess - Noah told you."

"Well I was going to try and take credit - but yeah he told me."

"Thank you, they're lovely."

We spend most of the night talking about school and life in general. She really is a great girl - very sarcastic as well. I can see why Noah and her are good friends. She is almost the female version of him. The thought makes me laugh.

"What's so funny?" she asks.

"Nothing really."

"Clearly it's something."

"Well - I was just thinking actually - and don't take this personally - but you are almost like the female version of Noah. I can see why you guys are such great friends. You two talk about the same thing, the same sarcastic tone, you know just the same atmosphere. You two have a lot in common."

"Well I'm not sure if that was a compliment - but thanks. Yeah we get a long very well. He is my best friend and I really like hanging out with him. You know we actually had a fight over me dating you."

I'm intrigued. "Really? Why so?"

"Well - he wasn't really for it. He thought if it didn't work out things would get awkward between you and him. But then he changed his mind in the end."

"Oh - well I can see his point. If either of us didn't like each other than it would put him in a weird spot. His best friend on the one hand - well and then me, which I guess would be an easy choice."

"I wouldn't count yourself out altogether. I thought you two were friends."

"I think so. He's been there for me more so than my other friends this year. And I really like hanging out with him. He's a cool guy - so yeah at least on my part I think we are friends."

'Well for some odd reason he doesn't think so."

"What do you mean?"

"I promised him I wouldn't say. I think I've said to much already. Stupid big mouth of mine."

"You can't back down now - you have to tell me."

"You have to promise you won't tell him I told you."

"I promise."

"Well, he seems to be under the impression that you don't like him, that you are just hanging out with him because of your English project."

"What!? Where in the world did he get that from?"

"He didn't exactly say. I think someone might have told him."

"Who would say that? I never said anything like that."

"He didn't say who told him."

"Honestly Jenn I never said anything like that, but that might explain his behaviour these last few days."

"What do you mean?"

"Well he seemed kind of distant in the last few days - you know more reserved that usual - so I guess this explains it."

"Perhaps - but you can't tell him we had this conversation."

"Well someone has to set the record straight."

"Well whatever you say you have to be discrete and my name better not come up."

"Of course - I won't mention anything to him."

I'm just really surprised someone would tell Noah all of this ... but who?

And then it hits me - Sebastian. It made sense now - he asked me about Noah before and I said he was just my English partner. He must have told Noah - the two have been spending time together. It all makes sense now.

Jenn and I finish our date around 10 p.m. I had thought about going for a walk in the city with her but my mind is too distracted. Instead I walk Jenn back to her apartment.

"I had a great time tonight," I say.

"So did I."

"I'll call you if that's okay with you. Perhaps we can meet up again."

"I would like that."

"So would I. Bye."

"Night."

I start walking off towards my building. I still can't get it out of my head about what she said about Noah. I guess when I see him I will try to set the record straight in a discrete way which won't implicate Jenn.

Oh crap. It hits me suddenly. My other conversation with Sebastian. I don't remember what I said exactly but I remember calling Noah a weirdo or a freak. He wouldn't have told him would he? He might have. Shit. I really should have kept my mouth shut. I need to learn to stop talking when I am angry! But that explains why he was acting like this - and why I guess he didn't feel comfortable talking to me. Idiot! I made things so much worse. That's why he was probably talking to Sebastian because he couldn't trust me. If something was wrong why would he go to the person who called him a freak? It all makes sense now.

I decide on the spot that I want to set everything straight tonight. I turn around and start walking off in the other direction towards Noah's apartment.

When I get there someone is leaving so I don't have to be buzzed inside. I make my way up to his apartment and knock on the door. No response. I try again. Nothing. Shit - he isn't home. This was stupid coming here anyway. I should go. I am about to walk away when I hear a noise in the hallway. It sounds like Noah. He's home. I'm about to come forward when I hear another voice. Sebastian? Instead of leaving I sink into a dimly lit corner. I don't know why I hide - but I just do.

I see the two walk up to the door. They stop. What the hell is he doing? What the fuck?

Holy shit ...

*** NOAH ***

After parting ways with Jordan I make my way home to get ready. Sebastian had told me to wear something warm and to be ready by 5 p.m. I didn't know what he had planned. I had tried to pry it out of him but he would not budge. All he would say was that I would be very surprised. Exactly at five my phone rings and he tells me to come downstairs.

"Hey," I say getting into his car.

"Hey beautiful."

"Someone's looking sharp today." He's wearing dark faded jeans with a semi-dressy shirt. The shirt fits snuggly against his body, with his muscles firmly defined. He has the top few buttons open, and I can see the top of his smooth pecs.

"All for your babe."

"You're really going all out today aren't you?"

"It's all about the charm."

"Well this is one kick ass car. How can you afford this?" I'm not really a car expert but as for his - it's nice - and it looks expensive.

"I come with many perks. Actually, I worked throughout high school for this. My dad pitched in as well."

"Well it's really nice. So will you tell me now at least where we are going?"

"Nope, that's a surprise. Just sit back and relax, listen to some music. So how was your day?"

"Not too bad. I'm really glad midterms are done and that it's the long weekend."

"Yeah I know, I need a break from school. So why didn't you come to the volleyball game yesterday - I missed you."

"Well I had a lot of work I needed to get done so I thought I would finish that."

"So that means you are free this weekend?" He says turning towards me with an evil grin on his face.

"I never said that. I still have some essays due next week but most of my work is done."

"Excellent."

"Why?"

"Nothing."

"You're one mysterious guy."

"I know, it's all part of my grand illusion."

We drive for a while longer until we are well out of town. It takes about an hour. I've never been to this area before. I usually just stick to the city. The area is filled with rolling hills and is littered with trees which now have leaves in shades or red, brown and orange. I can also see the lake to the south and several cottages along the water's edge. It looks like the town was plucked right out of the Victorian era.

"Wow this place is beautiful. Where exactly are we?"

"About an hour out east of the city. It's a small little community on the edge of the lake. It's really nice at this time of the year because of the changing season. It's a bit colder which is why the area is empty around this time, which is good, no one to interrupt us. I thought I would find us a nice private spot. I hope you wore something warm."

"Yeah I did."

"Alright then - let's go."

We get out of the car and make our way over to a hill near the water. The area is very well secluded - it's covered by trees from all sides. Someone would have to come up very close to see we were here. When we get near the waterfront he gets a sheet out of his bag and lays it on the ground.

"Come sit. I thought we would have a private picnic."

He takes out some food and drinks and utensils. Wow - he really is trying to impress me.

"You really went out of your way to plan this."

"Impressed yet?"

"Starting to get impressed. How do you know of this place?"

"I grew up in the city and my family would come down here in the summer. When I was in my teen years I'd drive down here. I found this secluded spot. I would come here whenever I just needed to get away - you know think out loud to myself, contemplate life. I thought it would be a special place to bring you. You know to share this with someone else."

That's very thoughtful of him. Damn he is making himself so hard to resist. It doesn't help he looks absolutely amazing sitting in front of me. I almost need to pinch myself to make sure all of this is real.

After we're done eating we make our way over to the lake and sit on a boulder right at the water's edge. We take our shoes off and dip our feet into the water. You would think it would be cold by this time but it's not too bad. The water feels nice against my skin.

"You know," he says, "this is the place where I finally admitted to myself I'm gay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I remember coming here when I was in my first year of university. I had dated many girls and I knew I was just kidding myself. It took a lot to finally take the plunge you could say - but when I did - I felt really good about it. I just remember screaming it out into the wild. I could hear my voice echo back to me. I knew no one was around - but even if there was it didn't matter. I finally had come to terms with myself and I just wanted to express it to the world."

"That's really good."

"One day Noah you will get there - I truly think so - which ever way you define yourself. I think you will make it. And as I have said before I am here to help you along the way. I'm also here to help you explore all of your options and all of the wonderful perks of being with a guy. So is my plan of seducing you working?"

"It's going well so far. I must say I am impressed." It was going way more than well.

"Excellent - well it's not over just yet."

We spend the next couple of hours there talking as the sun starts to set over the lake. It truly is a picturesque setting. I don't think I have ever been on a more romantic date. Eventually we make our way back to the hill and lay on the sheet, staring up at the sky. He was smart to bring along a blanket because it starts to get cold. After I while he moves his hand over to mine and wraps it around my fingers. I hold on to his hands. It feels good. We just lay there as the day ends. The stars come out in full force. I guess because we're out of the city there is not as much pollution blocking the lights.

"I don't think I have ever seen so many stars. It's beautiful," I say.

"Yeah it really is."

I want to ask him about what he told be about Jordan - but I don't know how to bring it up. What would I say? So Sebastian, did you lie to me? I can't just accuse him of something. Besides - the evening is going perfectly and I don't want to screw it up. I guess for now I will just have to keep my mouth shut.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks me.

"Nothing really."

"You got this serious look on your face."

"Oh, no just random thoughts I guess. A part of me doesn't even really believe I am here with you."

He laughs. "Why is that?"

"Common Sebastian it's you! Every girl - and I am sure a lot of guys - would kill to be lying here with you - and yet it's me. I know you explained why you like me but I just still can't really believe it I guess."

"Well believe it - because I am truly here for you."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"How was your first date with a guy?"

"Well it was not as good as this one. After I admitted to myself I am gay I didn't really do much. I was really afraid at first that someone would find out. Even though I was okay with who I am - I knew that not everyone would be. So I didn't do much. I went online and started chatting with some guys. I clicked with one and after about a month we decided to meet up. When we did the guy clearly had shown me older pictures of himself. He was at least 10 years older by that time and had put on weight. The date didn't go well - he was mostly interested in sex - and I was kind of pissed at being lied to. So, not the best first date I guess. But this one makes up for all the bad ones."

"Oh. Have you ever been in a long term relationship with a guy?"

"Well, it's only been about 3 years since I have started to come out to others - which isn't that much time. I was together with one guy for about six months, which I guess you could call long. He goes to our school. I met him through a mutual friend who is also gay. It went very well for a while but he just had other priorities and I had mine so it didn't really work out."

"How was it being in a relationship with a guy versus a girl?"

"It's different. The relationship dynamic was different though in the end we are all human so there were similarities as well. We would fight sometime - he got jealous sometime if I talked to other guys - which happened with some of my previous girlfriends, when I talked to other girls. You have to devote time to the relationship just like any other. It had its ups and downs as well. However, not being completely out has its obstacles too and it can create friction as well - but we managed to work through most of it. In the end though he wanted to be fully out and open and I wasn't there just yet. I don't think it's everyones business to know I am gay. Also - as I have said before - being gay and in sports is not easy - which is another reason why I didn't want to be fully out - and so we ended things. Besides that's the time when I started to notice you last year and was thinking of ways to woo you. I would never have thought back then I would be lying under the stars with you here tonight, which just goes to show you that you can plan life all you want - what's meant to happen will happen."

"Trust me - I also never in a million years thought I would be lying under the stars with you here. It makes two of us."

We remain there for quite a while. He tells me more about his relationships and how most of them never really amounted to much. He says he is looking for more depth in a relationship which is why he thought he would try to go out with me.

After a while we make our way back to the car and drive back home. We don't say much in the car to each other - we just sit there listening to the radio. The whole time we continue to hold hands. Every so often he turns my way and smiles. I can't help but blush and smile as well.

It doesn't take us to long getting back into the city. Once he parks he walks me back into my apartment.

"So, did you enjoy yourself?" he asks.

"Yes I truly did. Thank you so much. It was the perfect end to a hectic week." We arrive at my front door and stop. "So I guess this is it, the big moment. Your answer."

"Nope it's not the end just yet. There is still one more thing left to do."

He moves closer to me and puts his arm around my waist. He brings his right hand on to my cheek and moves his lips closer to me. In one swift motion he drops in - placing his lips against mine. The moment his lips touch mine it's like electricity shoots through my body. I open my lips and let his tongue find its way in. His lips lock into mine. I throw my arms around his waist and melt into his body. His body presses into mine and I can feel his muscles flex again my body. I feel secure within his grasp. After what seems like an eternity - yet not long enough - he lets go of me. As he lifts his head from mine I can see his eyes. A smile comes across his face.

Holy shit that was amazing.

"Wow, Sebastian. That was .... " My eyes see a light in the corner. I see two blue eyes staring at me. My eyes shift and I see some movement ... "Jordan?"

Oh crap.

*** JORDAN ***

I just stand there flabbergasted. I feel like my jaw is going to hit the floor. So it's true after all. Noah's gay - and so is Sebastian. It makes sense - there was evidence from the week before but I didn't want to believe it. I just stand there - frozen in the moment. I don't know what to do. I'll just wait here until the two of them go inside.

"Wow, Sebastian. That was .... Jordan?"

Crap - he sees me. What the hell do I do now?

"Uh, hey guys. Sorry I didn't mean to ... uh. I came by to talk to you and ... I gotta run. Bye."

I take off as fast as I can. I am sure as hell glad that I don't have those crutches any more. I'm shocked. Utterly shocked. Even though the thought had crossed my mind after last weekend, I still can't believe it. Noah and Sebastian - together in that way.

"Jordan wait!" I hear Noah's voice call out after me as I exit the building. I don't want to but I stop and turn around. "What you saw back there ... "

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to ... "

"If you could just keep that between us ... "

"Of course I won't say anything. I have to run."

"Jordan please ... "

"Sorry I have to go." I can see the fear in Noah's eyes but I just don't want to stand around there. My head is spinning. I need to get out of here. I just need to get away.

It doesn't take me long to get home. I throw my keys onto the table and just fall onto the edge of the bed. My heart is racing - I have no idea why. I put my head into my hands and close me eyes. The image of Sebastian and Noah pops right back in. I can see him moving closer to Noah, moving his lips close to his. My eyes shoot open. For all the time I have known Sebastian I would never have thought he was gay. I'd heard he dated like every other girl. Though to be honest in the last while that I had known him I hadn't seen him dating anyone. But university jock - the guy with all the girls after him! And then Noah - I know he said he went out with Stacey - but I'm just surprised. Maybe they are both bi. That would explain how Noah reacted when I talked to him about the book - about Clarissa being bi. All the tiny pieces seem to be falling into place. The two of them meeting at the coffee shop - holding hands on the balcony - and then in the bedroom. It all makes sense now.

Okay - just relax - calm down. None of this concerns me. It's their lifestyle and they can choose to live it which ever way they want. But then why can't I get it out of my head? It's weird but I am a bit relieved to know Noah's gay. It makes me happy some how. But that makes no sense - why do I care? Why should I care? I'm straight - those dreams I had with Noah meant nothing. Those dreams were just dreams. I don't have any feelings for him - and besides I'm with Jenn. They were just dreams ... just dreams. I'm with Jenn. Relax. Breathe.

I get up and change my clothes. All I need is a good night's rest - that's all. I shut off the lights and curl into bed with a blanket. Just go to sleep. Sleep. Relax. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Nothing. I toss and turn several times.

One sheep ... two sheep ... three sheep .... 101 sheep .... 200 sheep ... 450 sheep ... okay I am out of sheep. Now what?

I just lay in bed - eyes wide open. I keep replaying the scene of Sebastian kissing Noah. I just can't get it out of my head.

I can see Noah as he brings his face close to his. A hand goes onto his cheek. A face comes closer to Noah, just inches away from his lips. Noah's arms shoot up - grabbing on to a waist. My waist. I can feel his arm around me pulling me in. I look at his face and I bring my lips closer to his. I press against him - feeling him against my body. I move my lips closer to his. They touch and I start to suck on his lower lip - slowly massaging it between mine. My hands are now around his body holding him close. I move my tongue into his mouth searching for his tongue. As we grow closer together I feel like I am on estacy. My body is shaking - my heart is thumping. I can't seem to get enough of him. I am kissing him more forcefully, more passionately. I want to feel his body against mine. His hands are all over me - feeling me. Our lips are locked - our bodies grinding against each other. I can feel my dick straining against my clothes. It starts to rub against my pants as our bodies move into one another. The pressure builds within me. I can't hold on any longer. A wave of pleasure runs over me and I release.

My eyes shoot open and I jump out of my bed. My pants are soaked. There is cum all over my hands. What the hell was that? I clean myself off and change into a pair of clean clothes. I grab a bag - stuff it with whatever I can find and run out the door.

Once outside I hail a taxi. "Airport please."

The whole way to the airport I just keep telling myself to breathe. Don't think - just inhale and exhale. Everything is going to be okay. I just need to get away.

It's only 5 in the morning but they usually have several flights throughout the day. I make my way to a counter and buy a ticket. I'm in luck - the plane leaves at 6. Since I have nothing to check in I make my way to the plane. I'm going home. I'm finally going home.

Once I am actually sitting in the plane my nerves start to calm down a bit. It's actually quite packed, which isn't surprising seeing how everyone is trying to make it home for the long weekend. Soon enough we are in the air. I try to get some sleep but I can't. I keep thinking about the dream I had. I start to replay it in my head and get aroused again. The thought of Noah makes me hard. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not gay - I know that. I like girls. So why am I getting aroused?

"Are you okay?"

I turn and notice a woman in her 30s sitting beside me. I didn't even notice her before.

"Your hand is shaking a lot and you look really pale. Flight sickness?"

"Um, no - just a lot on my mind that's all."

"Did you want me to find a hostess to grab you some water, gingerale or some crackers? It might help calm your nerves."

"That's nice of you - thanks - but no, I think I am okay."

Okay just calm down. Go home for a few days and just relax. I just need to reset my schedule, my life and everything else will fall into place. Just stop thinking about Noah. Stop it. Think about something else. I try but it doesn't work. I don't know why but I randomly start talking to the woman beside me.

"Are you flying home for the long weekend?"

"Sorry? Um, no. I'm going to visit some friends actually."

"Sorry I just am trying to distract myself."

"No, no, that's okay. You look young, are you in school?"

"Yeah, I'm in second year of life sciences. Hoping to become a doctor one day."

"Well it's a long road. I just finished my last exam to become a neurologist. What type of medicine are you interested in?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

"So are you going home?"

"Yeah - to visit my mom. I just need to get away."

"School problems? Sorry I don't mean to pry."

"No, that's okay. Relationship problems really."

"Well, I'm trying to run away from life too actually. My fiance died a few weeks ago. My friends spent a lot of time with me but they had to go home eventually. They didn't want me to spend the long weekend alone. They would have come but one of them is expecting soon so shouldn't be flying. So here I am on a plane."

"Oh, I am so sorry for your lost. None of my problems are that big."

"Thanks. You shouldn't belittle yourself. I am sure whatever you are trying to deal with has its own challenges."

"The thing is I am not even sure what I am trying to deal with. All I know is I just need to get away."

"Running away for a while is nice but it doesn't solve anything. I will return home on Tuesday still single. You can only run from your problems for so long."

"I know - I just need to clear my head I guess - get some fresh perspectives on life."

"Well I wish you luck."

"Thanks you too."

Shortly after the plane screeches to a halt on the runway. I grab another cab and make my way to my house. I hope my mom is home today because I left my keys at my place. It's a long way to go back for those. I step up to the door and knock.

It opens a few seconds later.

"Jordan!"

"Hey mom."

"Oh it's so nice to see you! Give me a hug."

It feels so nice to be home.

"Why didn't you call? I would have picked you up from the airport!"

"I thought I would surprise you."

"And what a surprise! Come on in. I know you said you thought about coming home but I didn't think you were serious. But I am so glad you're here. It's been such a long time and I really have missed you."

"I'm glad to be back. I've missed you too."

"You're lucky I am off this weekend - you know I usually work."

"Well I took a chance - and I'm glad I did."

"I'm glad you did too. Go upstairs rest for a bit you're probably tired."

"Yeah I am. I'm just going to wash up and I will be back down in a bit."

I make my way upstairs to my room and drop on to the bed. It's so nice to be home.

I don't even realize it but I fall asleep for a couple of hours. By the time I make my way downstairs it's already 5 p.m.

"Up sleepy head?"

"Yeah I didn't even realize the time."

"Well I'm sure you've been busy studying for exams. How is school going?"

"It's going well - well for most of my classes."

She stops what she's doing and turns around with a stern look on her face. "What do you mean most?"

"Well I think my English professor hates me."

"I'm sure it's not that bad."

"He kicked me out of class last week - and then the class after he made me sit at the front so he could watch me."

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Right of course you didn't, the professor just kicks kids out of class for no reason."

"I MIGHT have been taking in class. But I was only talking because the prof had fallen asleep during someone's presentation."

"Well whatever the matter is, I urge you to get onto his good side. You need good grades if you want to get into med school."

"I know mom."

"So, how's Kate?"

"We broke up a few weeks ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry honey."

"It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. I just started dating this other girl - Jennifer."

"And how's that going?"

'It's going well - I really like her."

"That's good. Okay dinner is ready. Grab some dishes."

The one thing I miss most about home is my mom's cooking. There really isn't anything like a nice warm home cooked meal. It's also nice to spend time with my mom. I really haven't spoken to her much since school started almost a month and a half ago. I actually haven't spoken to a number of my old highschool friends since school started.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I ran into your old friend Aiden at the supermarket yesterday."

"I thought he was studying in Australia?"

"He is - he's back home for the week."

It's been almost two years since I've seen Aiden. The last time was probably graduation, before he moved away. I've known him basically my entire life. We went to elementary school together and high school. He was one of my good friends growing up. Unfortunately we kind of lost touch when we both went off to university, though I did manage to talk to him sometimes. It was difficult with the huge time difference.

As soon as I finish my dinner I go upstairs and give him a call.

"Hello?"

"Aiden! It's me?"

"Jordan? Holy crap it's been forever. How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm in town."

"Really? When did you get back?"

"Just this morning. What about you - my mom says you're back for the week as well."

"Yeah I just got back two days ago. I leave next Friday."

"Well we better meet up before you leave."

"Of course man! I had no idea you were here!"

"It's been too long man."

"I know. Dude you do not know what it means to keep in touch!"

"Well the 14 hour time difference doesn't help."

"I know. It really does make talking to people difficult. So when do you want to meet up? Are you free tomorrow?"

"I'm free now."

"Someone is sure impatient."

"You know me, I've always been impatient. Besides it's been two years - that's long enough. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Okay see you then."

If I was glad to be home before - well now I am just ecstatic. Aiden always knows how to cheer me up.

*** NOAH ***

I didn't sleep at all last night. A horrible end to a perfect day. Now I realize it was too perfect. Everything was going great with Sebastian. It all felt right - it felt good. He had shown me such a wonderful time - and the kiss was amazing. Everything was amazing until Jordan showed up. Why did he have to be there! After he left Sebastian just sat outside with me for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I was scared. I had no idea what Jordan would say to Jenn or to anyone else. Sebastian tried to talk to me - make things easier - but it wasn't helping. The way Jordan left was so upsetting. He seemed shocked, which I don't blame him, but also there was another emotion present. I'm not sure what it was exactly. Did he hate me now? Was it anger or disgust? I couldn't really tell. He just sped away so quickly. He didn't want to be anywhere around me.

I asked Sebastian to leave after a while - I just wasn't in the mood to talk. He understood and gave me some space. I went back into my room and just lay in bed. I couldn't sleep throughout the night. I just kept tossing and turning. I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. I think I might have gotten some sleep at around 6 in the morning. I woke up around 8.

By 10 o'clock I am still in bed. One thing on my mind is if Jordan will say something to Jenn. I know he said he wouldn't - but I just can't take that chance. I keep thinking I should tell her myself. When she finds out it definitely should come from me. But am I ready to come out yet? Just even the thought of this makes me nervous. But say if he says something to her? He said he wouldn't. Damn it I don't know!

Besides, the date with Sebastian has really opened up my eyes. I liked being with him. It felt good. It felt right. I can't deny that to myself. I know now that I do want to be with a guy. I'm gay. I need to admit that to myself. But can I admit it to her? I think it would be easier if I told her. But say if she leaves me and runs off like Jordan, then what? I don't want to loose her as a friend, but deep down inside I know she wouldn't do that. Jenn's different. She hasn't ever said anything homophobic to me. I think she will accept me for who I am. I know I can trust her. She is my best friend. I also think she should hear about everything from me and not Jordan.

Alright am I going to do this? I think so. I pick up the phone and dial her number. It starts to ring. I don't know why but I panic and hang up the phone. I want to tell her but I just .... I don't know what to do. It feels like my heart is running a marathon. My hands are all cold and sweaty. I'm shaking. My mouth feels dry. I'm just so confused.

Okay relax. Telling her will make life easier - I really think it will. I think she deserves to know. Okay - I'm going to do this. I pick up the phone and it starts to ring.

"Hey Noah,"

"Hey Jenn." My heart goes into overdrive and I'm really shaking now.

"Did you just call me before?"

"Yeah ... " I barely get the word out.

"Okay. What's up?"

"Um ... " okay breathe, "I was, ah, wondering if you could, if you had the time of course, ah, drop by."

"You sound weird - is everything okay?"

"Yeah it's fine. I just, ah, wanted to talk to you."

"Noah are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah Jenn I'm fine. It's kind of important. If you had time now then that would be great." I want to talk to her before I chicken out.

"Yeah of course. I'll come right over. I'll see you in a bit okay?"

"Okay. Bye."

Even after I put the phone down my body continues to shake. I just feel so nervous. I'm really having second thoughts now. Is this really the right thing to do? It feels right. If I learned anything from yesterday it was that I liked being with Sebastian. I liked it when he kissed me - it felt good. There is no doubt in my mind I like guys. It doesn't make sense hiding it from Jenn any longer.

I don't really have much time to reconsider because a few moments later the door bell rings. Wow that was quick. I guess she is worried.

I step up the door. Breathe. Relax. "Hey Jenn," I say opening the door.

"Noah you look really pale. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Yes Jenn. I'm fine. Come let's sit down."

"You're shaking Noah."

"Just a little cold that's all."

"What's up? What did you want to talk about?"

I'm gay. Wow that was easy to say in my head. Now I just have to say it out loud. That's the tricky part. How do I even tell her? What do I just say it - surprise I'm gay. No. Crap. I don't think I can do this.

"Really Noah, are you okay? You're really shaking," she says.

"I'm fine trust me," I try to give her a weak smile. "Jenn I just want you to know how much your friendship means to me. You've been one of my closest friends ever. Growing up I never really had many friends - well at least not a best friend - someone who really understood me and who I could trust. I really trust you and I admire this friendship ... " I begin to really shake now. Just relax. "Jenn no matter how you feel about me, I just want you to know I really appreciate your friendship."

"Okay now you're scaring me. Noah you know how I feel about you as a friend. I hope there is no doubt in your mind. Now stop being so cryptic and tell me what's going on."

I take a deep breath. It doesn't really help. It feels like my lungs have deflated. I feel like I am just one step away form my body launching into a convulsion. Okay - tell her. Just say it.

"Jenn ... I ... "

"Yeah?"

Okay ... just say it. You can trust her.

"Jenn ... I'm ... I'm bisexual."

The moments the words leave my mouth I want to take them back. Jenn just sits there for a few seconds. I lower my eyes to the floor and I can tell she is also staring into her hands.

"Wow, I really didn't see that coming. I'm shocked. I really didn't expect you to say that. For once in my life I'm speechless - and you know that is really rare."

I want to say something but I can't. All of the moisture has evaporated from my mouth.

"But I'm really glad you told me. Noah, I'm completely fine with you being bi. However you define your sexuality is fine by me. I will still be your friend - you can't get rid of me that easily."

For the first time by body starts to ease a bit. I feel like I can breathe just a little better.

"So you like guys in that way ... " she says .

I just nod my head. "Yeah."

"How long have you known for?"

"A while now. Since senior year of highschool I think."

"And you're telling me now!"

"It's taken me a long time to get here Jenn. I was always so confused - which is why I started dating Stacey. I thought if I made it work with her than everything would be okay."

"Oh - so that's why you stuck with her - even though I told you countless times your relationship wasn't going anywhere."

"I knew that - I did - but then breaking up with her would mean I would have to face everything else going on in my life."

"Well that makes sense now I guess. I never understood why you stuck around with that little bitch."

"Jenn, she wasn't that bad."

"Yeas she was. So in highschool one day you were just like ... hey that guy is kind of hot."

"It was a gradual thing I guess. I don't really know when it started or how. There was this guy in my class. Just over time I started to get attracted to him." I tell her the whole story about my highschool and how I ended up leaving that town. "So you can probably tell why I was scared telling you. I didn't want you to shun me too."

"And so what's changed now? What made you want to come out?"

"It's very complicated. I'm not sure myself."

"I have time."

"I just figured I was ignoring a part of my life for a long time. I guess you can only run so far until life catches up with you. Someone here figured out I was bi. I tried to hide it but it became really hard. I realized that I could never run away from all of this and I had to accept it. I'm glad I did because I feel better now, and I feel better now that you know."

"Who figured it out? I didn't figure it out and I spend so much time with you."

"It doesn't really matter does it?"

"I guess not. So then have you ever had a boyfriend or been with a guy?"

My heart starts to really pick up the pace again. Talking about all of this makes me really nervous.

"Um ... no, but kind of."

"What do you mean kind of?"

"Well I've been spending some time with this other guy - mainly as friends. We went out yesterday."

"Do I know him?"

"Yeah."

"Who is it?"

"Jenn he's not really out to everyone."

"Common Noah you have to tell me!"

"Promise you won't tell anyone?"

'Yeah."

"Sebastian."

She looks shocked. For the second time today she is speechless - and that rarely ever happens. "Sebastian - the hot guy from the volleyball team?"

"That would be him." I can't help but smile now. It's my time to showcase how I was able to get one of the most sought after guys on campus.

"Holy shit! He's gay. Damn too bad. But wow - and you two are together. Nice!"

"Well were not really together. He figured out I am bi actually and so has just been helping me."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Do you remember that day in the library?"

"Yeah."

"He came out to me then and asked if I wanted to date him. I haven't really given him an answer yet but we did kind of did go out yesterday."

"You're going out with Sebastian - I honestly would never have guessed that in a million years. He's so freakin' hot! You know half of the school girls would kill to be in your place. I don't know why your hesitating - say yes! Now - I want all the details about this date."

"Jenn .. it wasn't a date really ... "

"Whatever you want to call it - I want the details on your so-called outing."

I try not to say much but she keeps questioning me about every detail, so I start to tell her bits and pieces. "But our date was cut short."

"How so?"

"Well we went back to my place and ... "

"And what?"

I look down to the floor. I don't know why saying this directly to her is making me so nervous. "He kissed me."

"Is he a good kisser?"

I blush, "yeah."

"Well, what happened after?"

"Well it was cut short because Jordan was there."

"Jordan? Where did he come from?"

"I don't know - I noticed him standing by the door. He saw us and took off really quickly. I asked him not to say anything to you but I wasn't sure what he would do. I thought you should hear this from me and not from him which is why I thought I would tell you."

"So you're only telling me because he knows?"

"No it's not like that. I'm telling you because I value you as a friend."

"Whatever your reason is I am still glad you told me. I'm just giving you a hard time. So Jordan was there - wow that's strange. What time did he show up at your place? Last night we were on our date."

"That's what I thought too - you said you were going out Friday night. I got home around 11 ish and he was there."

"He dropped me off at my place around 10:45 or so. And then he went to your place. That's weird. Oh .. "

"What?"

"I think I may know why he went to your place."

"Why? I've been trying to figure that out all night."

"Um, you're going to be mad at me."

"Why?"

"I kind of broke a promise I made to you - but I found out some good information."

"What did you do Jenn?"

"I asked him about your friendship."

"What! I specifically told you not to say anything!"

"I know but it came up and he says he never said you weren't friends - he thinks you two are. He actually said how he has really enjoying your company. He said whoever told you otherwise was lying."

"So you told him that someone told me about what he said about me? Jenn - the person who told me what Jordan said told me in confidence - now Jordan probably knows who told me that."

"Sorry."

"One of these days Jenn I am going to get really angry at you. It's not today so count yourself lucky. And, still why would Jordan come to my place?"

"Well he said how he wanted to set the record straight - so I guess he dropped by to tell you how he didn't say anything against you. I'm sorry Noah - but at least you know the truth now."

"What does it matter now, he probably hates me anyway. All of this is so confusing. I don't even know what to do say to Sebastian."

"Well do you like him?"

"Yes I do - common you've seen him! He's a great guy."

"Well then what's the problem?"

"The problem is - can I be gay? Can I live that lifestyle and be happy? Will everyone accept me for who I am? I just - everything is so confusing."

"Noah - those are all valid concerns but you can't live your life based on what others will say about you. Screw the world! They won't be happy regardless of what happens. It's your life - do what makes you happy. If being with Sebastian or being gay is what you want then go for it. The rest will fall into place later. Just stop over analyzing things so much and live life."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It might not be - but it might be as well. All I can say to you is - I will be there with you the whole way through. That's something you can count on."

"Thanks Jenn - that means a lot of me."

"And next time if you scare me like this again - with the pale skin - and shaking and all - I thought you were dying or something. I thought you were going to say you had a terminal illness or something like cancer. So if you ever scare me like that again - I will kill you myself - mark my words boy. You almost gave me a heart attack."

I can't help but laugh. "Okay - next time I will try to be more sensitive to YOUR needs."

"Thank you. Was that asking for too much?"

"Of course not."

She continues to ask me a hundred and one questions. For the most part I feel much better but every so often my body starts to shake again and I feel cold. I am still really nervous about all of this. I keep thinking perhaps this wasn't the right thing to do- perhaps deep down Jenn hates me now. For her part though she is being really nice and supportive.

"Can I ask you something Noah?"

"I guess."

"Tell me honestly - what do you think about Jordan?"

Crap. Play it dumb.

"What do you mean?" I was hoping this topic wouldn't come up.

"Like I mean - do you like him you know in a sexual way."

"What does it matter Jenn? He's straight."

"I just want to know."

"Jenn this conversation will not lead us anywhere good."

"Oh come on Noah just tell me."

"He's only a friend."

"You're a really bad liar."

'I'm not lying Jenn."

"It's okay if you like him Noah, you don't have to lie to me."

"None of it matters anyway."

"So is that why you didn't want me to go out with him?"

This girl just does not give up! "Yes - but it makes no difference - as I've said before - he is straight - which I am sure you know by now seeing how you two are dating. And besides I think he hates me now anyway so ... "

"Noah you don't know that."

"You didn't see his facial reaction."

"Well when you told me I was kind of shocked - a bit. You know I didn't really expect you to say that. Now if I had walked in on you making out with a guy - well I think my reaction might have been different. So perhaps he was just really, REALLY, shocked. I think I might have been."

"I hope you're right."

"I always am."

"You know - one of these days we're going to have to bring your ego level down."

"I know - just not today. So do you want me to break up with Jordan?"

"No I don't. You deserve to be happy."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Jenn - I'm sure."

"Are you going to continue to see Sebastian?"

"Yeah I think so."

"Oh you lucky jerk. Well out of all of this at least now we can do one thing together."

"What's that?"

"We can check out guys together."

Oh Jenn.

She stays for a couple of hours and we talk about everything that is going on. In the end I am extremely glad I told her. I feel like a rock has been lifted off of my chest. I feel now I can be me around her.

*** JORDAN ***

Within minutes I am at Aiden's house.

"Hey!" He says opening the door.

"Hey man!"

"It's nice to see you. I'm so glad I decided to come home this week. So how have you been?"

We spend the next hour or so catching up on our life. Talking about what we've been up to and how school is going.

"So," he says, "still dating ... ah ... Kate I believe? "

"Nope. We broke up at the beginning of the year."

"Weren't you two going out for quite a while?"

"Well she was cheating on me with her ex so it was time to end things."

"Oh, sorry man.

"It's okay."

"So is there any other love interest?"

"Yes there is actually. I just started dating this girl named Jenn."

"And how's that going?"

"It's going okay. We had our first date yesterday. I think it went well."

"Well keep me posted."

"And there is someone else."

"Look at your mister player - you sure didn't waste any time getting back into the scene."

"Well I don't know. We aren't dating or anything like that - it's just I have been thinking about her a lot." I wasn't going to tell Aiden the 'her' was actually a 'he' named Noah. I didn't like lying but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't tell John because he would figure out who I was talking about.

"Oh?"

"I met her at the beginning of the year in one of my classes. At first it was just a regular friendship but soon enough she was helping me a lot."

"How so?"

"Well I broke my foot and she took me to the doctor, and brought me food - you know was really helpful. And I've just been hanging out with her a lot. We talk a lot and laugh. She's not like me at all or the typical girl I usually date," now that was a stretch - he was no where near any person I had ever dated. "She's nerdy - geeky - clumsy - socially weird - but a great person to be around. She makes me laugh. When she's not around I think about her. We had a fight the other day and I didn't talk to her for a few days and I really missed her."

"Sounds serious Jordan. I think someone has more than just a crush on someone. So what's the problem?"

"Well she has a boyfriend." Now that wasn't a lie - he actually did have a boyfriend.

"Oh, and how long have they been dating?"

"I think just since this week."

"Well then swoop right in and make your move before it get's serious with this other guy. It helps if he is ugly and a weirdo."

Ah Sebastian was not ugly by any person's standard. "Unfortunately he is real competition. Though I think he made up stuff about me and told it to her so that she wouldn't want to be friends with me."

"Wow this sounds like war. So sling some mud yourself - fight for the woman you love man!"

His words hit me sharply. Fight for the woman you love. I don't love Noah. I just want to be around him. It's just some stupid phase - nothing more.

"I don't love her ... I just think it's a phase that's all. I just enjoy her company."

"Do you think about her a lot?"

"Yes - she's even been in my dreams a few times." I was going to tell him they were x-rated dreams.

"I think this is more than a phase - I think you like her Jordan."

"But it's not just that - it's ... how do I put this ... she's different. This would be a major shift for me."

"Different how. Different race? Ethnicity?"

"No - not really."

"You're not making much sense Jordan."

"I know - I just don't know how to explain it but I can't be with her. I just can't."

"Now if you can't be with her is one thing - but the question is do you want to be with her?"

Do I? I don't know. It doesn't matter what I want I just can't. "I don't know man."

"Jordan you know. Answer the question do you want to be with her."

I sigh. I don't want to admit this to myself. "Yes - but I just can't. Being with her would be a major shift in lifestyle."

"So no idea what you mean but the only advice I can give you Jordan is you seem to have some real feelings for this girl. It's seem like more than just a crush. It looks like the real deal. And I'm not sure it's worth letting some taboos or whatever it is come in the way of you being with someone you really want to be with. Are you happy when you are with her?"

"Yes."

"Do you think about her when she is not around?"

"Yes."

"Well then screw any preconceived notions you have and just do it man. Go for it!"

"I don't know Aiden."

"Hey you only live life once. You can't live based on what other people are going to think. Do what makes you happy and if being with her is what makes you happy then I think you know your answer. Unless she is a space alien I really don't see what the problem is."

"Thanks Aiden."

After a while I bid farewell to Aiden and make my way home.

For once talking to him actually didn't make anything easier. I can't be with Noah. I just can't. I'm not gay. I've never thought about a guy in that way. This is a phase and I will pass over it. The thing is this phase doesn't seem to end. Instead it keeps getting stronger and stronger. Deep down inside I know I want to be with Noah. I want to hold him. I really want to kiss him. The thought makes me shiver. I came to get away from him. What am I going to do?

On Sunday morning I decide to get some work done. I am very behind on my English project. Alright - so I have to discuss how Clarissa defines herself in terms of her sexuality and the consequences it has on her marriage. Okay, so she never really admits that she is a lesbian. To her she it's more to do with just being with Sally - because being with Sally makes her happy. I guess for Clarissa, and Woolf by extension, the relationship with Sally is larger than any role of gender - it's being with a person who makes you happy. It's not about being with another man or another woman. Perhaps this is why Clarissa never defines herself as a lesbian, because she doesn't see it that way. Maybe I'm not gay - I just think I like Noah because of who he is and not because of his gender. I've never been physically attracted to another guy but with Noah it's more than just physical. Okay - I guess I can admit he is good looking. He's kind of cute. So maybe this thing I have going is just more about him than about being gay or bi. Anyways - it's just a phase. Alright think of the presentation.

So the consequences of Clarissa liking Sally on her marriage are severe. She is never happy with Richard which is why she is throwing all of these dinner parties. Her reaction at the end of the book when she hears Septimus has killed himself is odd. To her, his act is a way to preserve his memories. That's an odd thing to say - preserve his memories. It makes sense though for her because that's all she has - her memories with Sally. The only happiness she really knows is her memories with Sally and nothing really more. Will that be me when I am older? Will I just have some weird memories of Noah? Will I laugh about this when I am older? Or will I regret not ever doing anything? Will I live my life enclosed in some memories that never existed? No. No I won't because I like girls. I will marry someone like Jenn and be happy.

Okay - so Sally. Sally turns out to be straight- a housewife with a number of children. So for her the time she spent with Clarissa was just fun - she was just living in the moment and enjoying her life. To her it wasn't about sexuality either - it was just being with someone you care about in that moment. Perhaps that's the way I am with Noah. I'm not gay. I just want to be with close with him right now - but I can go on and live a normal life - marry some girl, have kids and be happy. The thing is Sally acted on her instincts. I can't. I don't know if I am as strong as her to be with Noah.

Honestly this is all so confusing - I need a break. This book is just to creepily similar to my life. I will deal with it when I get back home on Tuesday.

The weekend went by too fast. The next thing I know it's Tuesday morning and my mom is driving me to the airport. Even though I am still as confused as I was when I first came home, I am still glad I came. It was nice seeing my mom and spending time with Aiden. I met up with him a few more times and he just kept telling me to go after my "true love." I wanted to tell him what the problem was but I couldn't bring myself to say I was thinking about a guy in a sexual way. I had another two dreams with Noah again - both on Saturday and Sunday night. Both times I woke up in a cold sweat. It seemed like going home was not far enough to get away from Noah.

After waving bye to my mom I get on the plane and take a seat. We have a while until the plane takes off so I just close my eyes and relax.

"Excusing me, sorry I just need to get by ... oh, it's you."

I open my eyes. "Hey, sorry. " I get up and let her make her way into the aisle. It's the same woman I saw on the plane on Saturday morning.

"What are the odds?" she says sitting down beside me.

"How was your weekend?" I say.

"It was good, had some fun with my friends. And how was yours? How's your mom?"

"She's good. It was nice to spend time with her again."

"So did running away for a while help get your head clear?"

"Unfortunately you were right - it didn't. It was a nice break but now I have to go back to school and face everything. How about you, did your friends manage to keep you distracted?"

"Yeah they did. It was nice to get away. They've been telling me I should start to date again. They were trying to set me up with this guy but I don't think I am ready just yet."

"I can understand that. I broke up with my girlfriend over a month ago because she was cheating on me and it took me a while to trust someone again."

"Is that the relationship trouble you were talking about?"

"You remembered. No, I'm seeing someone else now and it's going really well. I'm just trying to sort out feelings I have for someone else."

"If I can give you some advice, if you have someone special hold on to them. You know for weeks my fiance was trying to get me to go out with him. I just kept refusing because I didn't think he was my type of guy. He wasn't the kind of guy I ever thought I would date. Eventually I agreed to go out with him and it turned out we had quite a lot in common. I regret now those weeks that I didn't spend with him. Even when we were together, near the end I got so busy with school and work. I had time to be with him and I didn't take advantage of it and now I will never have that again. It's something I will always regret. Don't make the same mistakes I did."

"Thank you - I will keep that in mind. You know everyone I talked to his weekend just kept saying live life now, don't waste time."

"They're right. My fiance was only 35. He was very healthy - kept himself in great shape. One day he went to work and the next thing I know I'm being called to the hospital. Someone hit him with his car when he was crossing the street. All it takes is a few seconds."

"I'm so sorry - that must have been very unexpected."

"It was. You know I deal with death everyday working at a hospital - but this just caught me completely off guard. So as I say - live life now and don't ever give yourself the opportunity to regret anything."

"I'll try. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I'm sorry if this is too painful but - why did you say your fiance was not your type of guy?"

"Well we needed seem to have much in common. He seemed like the guy into sports who was obsessed with bodybuilding and his looks. I thought he was shallow - a dumb older version of a male jock. When I did go out with him I didn't tell my friends because I was a bit embarrassed - I thought they would laugh at me. But when I got to know actually I realised he was nothing like that. He was very down to earth - very smart - and very kind."

"What made you change your mind and go out with mind?"

"Well sometimes life gives you subtle messages. I kept running into him everywhere I went. I just thought perhaps it was meant to be. I ditched my preconcieved notions and agreed to go on one date with him. I thought it would be a horrible night - but it turned out to be great. Then one date turned into two and then next thing we know we are a couple."

"How did you know your fiance was the guy for you?"

"Well when we would go out he would always make me laugh and smile. He always made me feel good about myself and I really liked that. He gave me confidence and he supported me. When he wasn't around I would think about him and whenever I would get the chance I would want to be around him - talk to him. He became someone I could trust - someone I could depend on. Even though we had our differences - and we had a number of them - he was always willing to work them out. I love the opera but he hated it but he would still go along with me. I, in turn, would go to some of his sporting games. He was always willing to make sacrifices for me - and I also made some for him. I never thought at first I would fall in love with him - but eventually he grew on me and when he asked me to marry him - it was one of the happiest days of my life."

"Sorry I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm such an insensitive jerk."

"No it's okay. I like talking about him."

"I'm sure one day you will find someone just as special."

"Thanks - and I hope you do as well."

"Thank you."

"Attention passengers we will now begin to descend. Please put on your seatbelts."

"Well it was very nice talking to you again - and thank you for the advice," I say.

"It was nice talking to you as well. Here," she grabs her bag, "this is my card. If you ever need any advice on med school just send me an e-mail. I would be glad to help you with any questions you have."

"Thanks that's very nice of you."

"No problem."

Eventually the plane lands and we part ways. She's given me a lot to think about. Life is short and I don't want to regret anything later. I'm happy when I am around Noah but I just don't know if I can do something with him. All the traits she described about her fiance - they sound almost exactly like Noah. Honestly I just feel more confused after this weekend. What am I going to do?

The end of Chapter 10 - and no cliffhanger! I was going to try to put one in but I thought I would be nice this time around. I changed Chapter 10 around a number of times because I wasn't really happy with the ending - but I now leave it up to you to judge.

If you have anything to say - drop me a line at - mr_e08@hotmail.com.

Until next time,

Ethan.