I felt the blood & warmth drain from my face the instant the words left my dad's lips.
"Pregnant?" I said dryly.
He nodded.
I put my head into the palms of my hands & sighed. Jade's hand was still on my back, rubbing it soothingly, but fighting a losing battle.
"We'll get through this Noah, I promise," dad said.
"I don't want to be a dad at 16," I sighed as I felt my throat closing up.
My dad moved over & wrapped his arms around me.
"It's gonna be ok."
I had a nasty response, but decided to keep it to myself. Instead I found my arms returning the hug.
I had just put my books in my locker when I saw Mr. Jeffers, the school psychologist, walking up to me.
"Hey Noah."
"Hi."
"How's it goin'?" he asked.
Mr. Jeffers was the kind of guy who, when you saw him, you wouldn't want to talk to him about your problems at all. He was in his late 40s with a hard face, a pointy nose & a narrow neck. His skin has a pink glow to it as if he were always angry & his voice was sharp. His hair was gray & combed back over his head. He remind me of Craig T. Nelson. But all that aside, he seemed pretty nice. I hadn't yet had a REAL session with him; the first time we met was just an initial meeting. Today was my first real session.
"I'd say good," I replied.
He gave me a blank smile.
"Only if it were, right?" he said crossing his arms with his paperwork pressed to his chest.
I kept quiet as I locked my things away.
"Well? Shall we head down to my office then?"
"Sure," I breathed.
When we reached his office, the first thing I noticed was the smell. It was a very fruity smell, like mangos & apples. The second was the tall banzai tree in the corner of the room, a plant hanging from the window & another plant of some sort in another corner. The walls were a creamy yellow, the curtains the same. The floor was carpeted with green shag that made me want to take me shoes off. Instead of regular chairs, there were beanbag chairs & his desk was one of those kids' desks that, when you sit on the floor with your feet in front of you, you put the legs of it on either side of you. On the wall there were quotes from people, including Confucius, MLK, JFK, Ghandi, Mother Teresa & others. One word came to mind.
Hippie.
"Take your shoes off," he said as we walked past me to his 'desk' & sat down. I took my shoes off & reveled in the feeling of not only walking on a soft rug, but also being shoeless in school. I slowly sat down in one of the beanbag chairs across from him.
"Noah, what's your favorite color?" he asked me.
My forehead wrinkled in confusion.
"What?"
"What's your favorite color? Mine's orange."
What did my favorite color have to do with this?
"I dunno, green I guess. Why?"
"I'm just curious. What kind of music are you into?"
"Classic rock, oldies stuff I guess."
"Oh yeah? Like who?"
"Steely Dan, Doobie Brothers, Elton John, Chicago, Rolling Stones, Eagles, Beach Boys, The Who, Billy Joel, Stevie Wonder, James Taylor, Bee Gees...."
"That's a change from other kids isn't it," he said rather than asked.
"Yeah I guess."
"What about your friends?"
"What about them?"
"Do THEY like your music too?"
"No. They ban me from playing it on computers or on my phone when we all hang out."
"Sounds like that sucks."
"I guess."
Mr. Jeffers gave me a sneaky smile.
"Why do you keep saying 'I guess'?"
"I dunno, maybe because I wasn't really expecting you to ask about my favorite color, my taste in music or my friends..."
"Why, what did you think I was gonna jump into?"
"Well I thought I was here 'cause of what happened."
"Well, what happened?"
I glared at him.
"I have a feeling you know," I said, getting irritated with these games.
"Well why would you wanna talk about something that you don't wanna talk about?"
"So, what, are you saying we're not gonna talk about it?" I gave him a sneery smile.
"No, we are. I just thought maybe you'd wanna get comfortable in here talking to me first. Unless you WANT to get right into things that is."
"You mean like, an icebreaker?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"Don't think I was just messin' with you," he said with a laugh.
"It was starting to irritate me to be honest."
Mr. Jeffers began to laugh. It was a very dry laugh that almost hurt your ears to hear, but it was surprisingly contagious & I found myself cracking a smile.
"'I guess...I guess...I guess....' THAT was irritating ME, to be honest," he snickered.
I started laughing out loud. I didn't give him enough credit.
"I love laughter. It's the language of joy. Nothing is more pure than laughter of a happy soul. Life is messy & too many times we don't stop to laugh," he said, looking out the window. I could tell we were getting serious now.
"Sometimes there are things that just aren't funny," I said.
"But laughter isn't always about HUMOR. It's about joy, fun. Expression of happiness."
"Sometimes there are things that just aren't happy.," I said again.
"Did you laugh before what happened?"
"Huh?"
"Had you ever laughed in your life BEFORE what happened?"
"Of course I've laughed before in my life," I replied incredulously.
"Are you gonna laugh in the future?"
I looked to the side for a split second to see if this guy was for real.
"Yeah I think I'll laugh again at some point in my life," I said flatly.
"Good, that's good to hear."
I stared at him.
"Noah," he said, leaning forward & resting his chin on his fingers which were clasped together, "I know that this is a serious subject to deal with. And the last thing I wanna do to you is make you feel as though this is some kind of homework assignment you're being forced to do. What's said in this room STAYS in this room & I want you to be in your comfort zone in here."
"I'm not sure if I really even have a comfort zone anymore," I said with a crooked grin.
"Well, then what was your comfort zone before?"
I looked at the floor trying to think.
"A room at home? The park?"
I shook my head.
"With a family member? A parent?"
Nope.
"A certain friend?"
Jade.
"My ex," I said, keeping my eyes on the ground, thoughts of Jade pouring into my head.
"Really now?"
I closed my eyes.
"He's my best friend in the world," I said quietly.
"Ahhh, ok then. So you kept your friendship even after you broke up?"
I nodded my head.
"We made a promise; that even if we ever broke up, or fought about something, our relationship would NEVER interfere with our friendship."
"That's very special then."
"Yeah. He means the world to me," I said, a smile making its way to my face as I remembered when we kissed for the first time, the first time we made love, the time we told Collin about us & the time we kissed on stage.
"So what happened?"
"We didn't agree on some things, like how active we should be about gay rights & other stuff. He thought that since we were pretty much out & proud, that we should join GSA, & go down to Boston for stuff & things like that."
"And you?"
I shrugged.
"I'm just not into that stuff."
"Is that the only reason?"
"It started with that, but soon we started arguing about everything & we couldn't stand it. I guess it was kind of mutual, the breakup, but to be technical about it, he broke up with me."
"What makes him your comfort zone?" Mr. Jeffers asked me.
I smiled sadly to myself.
"A lot of times, people look to me for some sort of help, likeI'm the one they lean on. And ya know, I like that, it makes me feel needed a lot of the time. But sometimes...it's nice when someone takes care of ME, & he does. He looks out for me, he likes to protect me, he's comforting. His mom was talking to me one day a little while ago & she said how when we were little at his birthday party & he apparently wanted to hug me 'cause he saw I was sad."
"Sad about what?"
"My mom died," I said, digging dirt out from underneath my nails.
"So he saw you were upset?" he asked. He didn't say 'sorry to hear that.'
"Yeah."
"Do you think you were visibly upset?"
"No, I mean I was running around having fun like everybody else, but he picked up on it somehow."
"So he really knows you then?"
"Yeah."
Mr. Jeffers wrote down a few notes, leaving me to think to myself.
I was still glad that Jade & I were best friends. It was good to know our personal promise to each other was being fulfilled, the two of us staying best friends regardless of how we were involved romantically. God only knows where I would be without him. As much as one can love a parent, a best friend is a whole different story.
But no matter how happy I was about us still being best friends...it just didn't feel the same as when we were boyfriends. While nothing physical was any different, the feelings behind everything we did together was completely different. Every laugh, every hug, every smile, every touch. It was all out of love; just not the love I wanted it to be. I missed him. But for now, I couldn't have him. He had told me he had personal things to work out on his own, not to mention, I was a little busy with what was on my plate now. But I wanted him SOOO badly. I just wanted the aches to go away, to have him hold me in his arms again & feel his strong arms wrap about my chest from behind. He was my world. He HAD been my world since we were two years old. I'd grown to love him in every way, shape & form love could mold into. And it pained me that my own slice of heaven was untouchable.
"Noah?" Mr. Jeffers repeated.
"Oh, what?"
"I asked you if maybe you'd like to think about having Jade join some of our sessions?"
"You mean, he'd be in here with me?"
"For some sessions, yes. Not all of them. Most will be just you & me."
I shook my head.
"I think him being in here would kinda mess with me a bit."
"Fair enough."
For the rest of the session, we mostly talked about how I'm coping, who I talk to, who I DON'T talk to, various ways of dealing with stress, etc. All in all....
Not bad.
"You look like shit," Collin said to me the next day as I got my stuff from my locker, ready to go home.
"I didn't know I was wearing a mirror," I replied.
"Another burn from Lainer," he grinned.
I rolled my eyes.
"I don't think you've ever been so sarcastic to people, like, ever," he said.
"What are we doing tonight?" I asked, wanting to change subjects.
"What do you mean?"
"Well are we all going somewhere? Let's see a movie tonight."
Collin stared at me.
"What?"
He shook his head & shrugged.
"Nothing. If you wanna see a movie, I'll get the guys together. We can see...I don't even know what they're playing haha."
"Well we'll decide when we get there."
"Sounds like a plan," he smiled & gave me a high five.
I for one knew all I needed right now, was a night out with the guys.
I think...