Stupid alarm! I reached over with an aggravated grunt & pounded on the 'off' button so hard I was scared I broke it. But I didn't care. Who cares? Not me.
I realized then just how tired I was. My head was sore & I had barely gotten any sleep. J & I had been arguing on the phone from about 8:30 til 1:30 in the morning. My dad finally had to come up, snatch the phone, say good night to J, hang up & tell me to go to bed.
It seemed like all J & I did then was argue. Did I regret rejecting his invitation to go to Boston a while ago? Maybe a little bit. But it was in the past. I didn't care that he had apparently met another couple about our age, one of who was a suppossed closet-case. I didn't care.
So why did I feel like bickering with J so much? I don't know. We hadn't had sex in a long time. Usually I didn't care for that, but at least it meant being close to one another. I didn't feel that close with all this fighting.
I brushed my blond bangs aside & sat up. I looked out my window towards the lake. The water looked freezing cold. Huh. Just like my mood.
I stood up, grabbed a shirt, pants, boxers & socks from my drawer & started to get dressed. I had on my boxers, socks & pants when I heard my dad walk up the stairs & come into my room.
"Morning," said dad.
"Hi."
"I made you some bacon, eggs & a ham & cheese onlet."
I held my shirt in my hands while I stared at him, unsure of what he said.
"On a schoolday...?" I asked, skeptical.
"Yeah. Hurry up & get dressed so they don't get cold."
I put my t-shirt on & got up.
"I'm not really hungry, dad," I muttered, walking by him to slip on my shoes.
"Oh thanks for telling me AFTER I made you all that food. I would think a teen boy would be starving," he laughed.
I sighed.
"Dad, stop. I'm not in the mood, ok?" I said, desparate to hold back any sort of mass flip out.
"I know why, it's beacuse you were fighting with J on the phone until 2 in the morning."
"1:30," I corrected him, walking past him to my closet to get my coat.
"Watch your attitude. I made you a nice breakfast for once, TRY to put you in a better mood & this is the shit you give me?" he said, raising his voice.
I said nothing while slipping my arms through the shoulders.
"Answer me Noah!"
"I'm in a bad mood dad! What don't you get about that?!" I snapped, spinning around to face him.
"Yeah, & I wanna know why," he said anrgily.
"J & I are having some problems," I answered, looking away from him as I walked over to my nightstand & took out about $10. I put the money in my pocket.
"About what?"
"Nothing you would know about dad..." I said, brushing past him. I headed downstairs towards the kitchen.
"Try me," I heard him reply once I was downstairs.
I looked at him. I knew he cared about me, but it wasn't his business what problems J & I were having in our relationship. I didn't want to talk to him about it. But I figured I had nothing to lose if I did.
"A little while, J asked me if I wanted to come with him on that trip to Boston for a gay rally, remember?"
Dad nodded.
"Well when I said no, he took that as a sign that I'm still ya know, in the closet. I keep telling him I'm not because we both were on that stage & it was ME who kissed HIM. But he's not getting that marching in rallies & that kinda stuff just isn't me. I'm more of a quiet kid, ya know?"
"Yeah I know," said my dad, pushing my plate of food towards me on the bar. I sighed & reluctantly sat on one of the stools.
"So basically, he thinks your lying?" he asked me.
"Yeah."
"That's not very fair to you."
I nodded quietly as I ate a strip of bacon.
"You want me to talk to him?" he asked me.
I laughed coldly.
"I don't think I need my dad talking to my boyfriend for me. But thanks."
He nodded.
"Hope everything works out big guy," he said, walking towards his room to get ready for work.
I looked down at my breakfast.
"Me too..."
"Would you shut the hell up?!" Alex yelled at J & I at lunch. We had unsuccessfully tried to not bring up anything & now we were fighting it out in front of the guys.
"Yeah, either shut up, or leave," Dane warned us.
"Guys, take it easy a little bit..." Collin tried to cool them down a bit.
"No, we WON'T take it easy," Jeff hissed. He then turned his attention to us, "All you two have been doing is fighting for over a week. It's pissing us off. Take it somewhere else!"
J & I looked at each other. We mutually stood up & headed towards the bathroom. When we got there, J locked the door so we could have privacy. He turned to face me.
"I don't get it," he started.
"Don't get what?"
"Why you keep lying to me."
"J, I don't get why you don't believe me!" I said.
"Noah, don't you get it? People like Cam & West are just gonna step all over us unless we join up with other people & fight it. But you don't even wanna do THAT. It's like you WANT to be rejected."
My jaw dropped.
"Rejected? Who's being rejected? So a kid we barely know who invited us to a party & called us queers. So another kid who was our friend stepped out of the picture. That's two people. Remeber when you & me thought the whole world would reject us? Guess what J, they didn't. So stop over reacting & understand that people support you & me. A lot of people do."
He stood there, speechless for a moment. But only a moment. He scoffed my remark away.
"Yeah, US. What about millions of other people who get oppressed every day Noah? They look at you & what they see is a hypocrit. It's like a woman who refuses to follow movements for womens' rights. The only logical answer would be that she doesn't want more rights."
"You actually think I want to be oppressed & shut out from society?" I tried.
He shrugged.
Anger was subsiding, but now, hurt was beginning to run through me like a cold, icy river. A cold icy river making it's way to my eyes.
"Who gave you the right to boss me around & get mad at me just because there's something you wanna do that I don't wanna do?"
"I shouldn't have to boss you around. You should WANT to support me."
"I do support you!" I yelled, "I support you & all gay rights in every single way but what I don't get is WHY your so controlling & trying to change me?!"
"Because we're a minority Noah," he snapped.
I looked at him.
He shook his head & scoffed.
"Weird, you usually root for the underdogs," he said quietly.
Just then, he turned, unlocked the bathroom door & left. I was left alone in the bathroom, full of defeat & plenty of sadness.
I didn't like the way J & I were lately. I just wanted to go back to the way things were before, where he always wanted sex & I always laughed it off, where he would have his arms around me while I leaned back against him, where we got to just be with each other home alone after school sometimes, where we had our naughty sessions either somewhere that was public or under the dock in the lake...
Every time I didn't want to argue, which was all the time, he would start accusing me of crime after crime & I was forced to defend myself.
For a while now, J was staying after school to get extra help now that he "had the time." I knew though that he just didn't want to be around me for now.
As I sat down on the bus waiting for the rest of the kids to get on, I looked out the window. Suddenly, I felt a body plop down next to me. Startled, I looked at who was sitting next to me.
"Hey droopy face, what's goin' on?" asked Mark.
"You're not on my bus..." I pointed out the obvious.
He looked around as if he were looking for something important, then checked the ceiling, the floor & then the other seats.
"No...I'm pretty sure I'm on your bus right now," he shot back with a white smile. I couldn't help smile a little bit.
"So what's up?" he asked again.
"Ahh, no, I don't think so. First, you tell me why you're on my bus."
"I'm coming home with you," Mark said simply.
"Mark, you're not a little puppy. You have a house to go to."
"Yeah, but I'm coming with you because you need to talk."
I must have had a blank expression.
"Babe, you need to tell me what's going on between you & J."
I gritted my teeth a little.
"Why does everybody seem to think it's their business to butt in?" I said sharply.
"Because I relate to both of you, remember?" he said.
I looked at him.
"Fine."
"So tell me what's going on between you two," said Mark as he made himself comfortable on my couch.
"J's upset that I don't go with him to gay rallies, or go to every single GSA meeting, or verbally assault a gay basher, or speak up in assembelies when it comes to equal treatment at school, or stuff like that."
"Well why don't you?" he asked flat out.
"Mark, if you're going to get on my case also, then it might be best if you leave," I said. I didn't need him on my case too.
"No no, I'm just asking simply why don't you?"
"Because I'm a shy person. I'm not big on crowds & audiences & that kinda stuff."
"You didn't seem too shy on stage..." he pointed out.
I rolled my eyes.
"That was an exception Mark."
He shrugged.
"But is all that stuff what's between you guys?"
"Basically. He doesn't think I support gay rights enough, therefore I don't support him. I wish he just let me support it the way I know how & live my life like the rest of the world."
"That sounds about right."
I grabbed a can of Pepsi & threw one to him.
"You do rallies & that sort of stuff a lot, right?" I asked Mark.
"Yeah, all the time."
"And are there other people who just don't do that stuff but still support the cause, right?"
"Of course! A lot of times though, somebody gets dragged along who doesn't wanna go."
"What do you mean?"
"Well sometimes the one who might still be in the closet or something might get dragged along & not even know it, or want it. I saw it happen again a little while ago in Boston. Some closet case got dragged along by his boyfriend."
I took a sip of my drink. I had to move my mouth somehow to keep from biting my lip in half. If I heard about that couple where one of them was a closet case one more time...
"Can you talk to J? I mean, can you try to tell him that people just don't have to do the same thing & that I just don't do that sort of stuff?" I asked him.
"I can't stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I mean, SOMETIMES I do if you get my drift, but not here, not now. Why people keep bugging you guys is beyond me. This is something that YOU guys need to fix on your own. It's how you each cope with each other's faults. Is it a problem if one person doesn't fully support the other in their actions? It can be, sure. Is it a problem if one of them can't deal with how the other feels? Definitely."
"I guess I can see that."
"Come to think of it, J & I are a little bit similar in the sense that we're very passionate about movements. So I figure if we're like that in that sense, I'd probably feel the same way."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Not sure where you're going with this..."
"Look at it this way: If I'm similar to J a little bit, then I would know what exactly it is I want. If you tell me what I wanna hear, then I'd shut up."
"Ok."
"I'd personally want some sort of compromise."
"Like what?"
"Hmm," he scratched his head.
I waited.
"Well, I'm not sure. But what about if you DO go to rallies with him? Just make sure you tell him the movements you go to will only be the really BIG ones that are not only close by so you don't have to travel, but also only come along very very rarely. I mean, I've only been to two & I try to go to every single one. The one is Boston was pretty big. It's THOSE ones that you can tell him you'll go to with him, but not the smaller, more common ones, or something like that. Know what I mean?"
I shrugged.
"I guess so. I just don't think that'll help much. He's pretty stubborn about things he really gets into. Are you sure you can't talk to him about it? I mean, you guys go to those things. Can't you just kinda make him lighten up a little bit?" I said.
Mark looked at his watch.
He laughed & then stood up with his soda in one hand & headed for the door. I was confused.
"Ya know what?" he asked as he opened the door.
"What?" I said.
"He actually said the same thing to me; try to talk to you & that you're pretty stubborn," Mark said with a small laugh.
I managed a smile.
"I can't be fighting a war for you guys. Sorry Noah, it's not my game to play," he said, leaving. He closed the door behind him.
I looked at the door.
I felt like I was losing the game...
http://kbboys.darkbb.com more of my stories