I felt so uncomfortable as I opened the door to my apartment, Ryan behind me with his hands in the pockets of his denim jacket. I walk in and lean up against the door frame as he walks over to the window and looks down at the street below. "You actually live here? He asks without looking at me; I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's not impressed.
I close the door and cross my arms over my chest. "Oh of course not, I just happen to have the keys. My apartment is up the road." I answer sarcastically. "Of course I live here." I mean come on, who asks someone that?
He turns to look at me and shakes his head. "Okay smartass." He walks over to me then glances around the room again. "You could do so much better than this."
As much as I tried I couldn't suppress the urge to roll my eyes. "Well, it's all I can afford at the moment." I look around my apartment as well, I know it's a pretty crappy place, but it beats living on the streets. I watch as Ryan walks over to the dresser and opens the top drawer. The silence between us is killing me but I don't want to be the one to say something first. He shakes his head again for some reason I'm not sure of until he holds up my needle.
The sight of the needle makes my heart pound in my chest. It's not my fault I have a problem ^Ö well actually it is, but that's beside the point. "You should find a better place to hide this." He says still holding it up.
I walk over to him and take it out of his hand. "Do you mind?" I slam the drawer shut and put the needle in the pocket of my sweater. I'm in no mood to listen to him lecture me anymore tonight.
"sorry." He says leaning against the dresser, his eyes locked on mine.
The intensity of his gaze is making me nervous; my heart's pounding so hard I can feel it in my head. "What?" I say crossing the room and sitting on the edge of my bed.
A smirk forms on the corners of his mouth. "Just thinking." He says studying me.
"About?" Yeah, I know- that's really pushing it and it's really none of my business is it?
He crosses his arms over his chest as his smirk turns into a smile. "You."
Talk about a way to make a guy blush, my cheeks flush making it feel like their on fire. "W-what about me?" I manage to stutter.
Ryan walks over to the bed and sits on the corner beside me. "Come stay with me, I don't want you living here." He answers, his eyes burning into mine.
All I can do is stare at him ^Ö I have no idea what to say. "I^Å Ry, I can't."
He looks at me confusingly. "Why not?"
"I just can't." I answer standing up. Why can't people just give up after I tell no the first time?
"Nik, how are you supposed to change when you won't allow people to help you or take the steps that you need to take?" he says coldly.
I look at him, trying hard not to lose my temper. "BECAUSE NO BODY FUCKING CARES!" Too late, I lost it.
He shakes his head in disapproval then looks down at the floor. I can tell I hurt him by what I had said. "Are you that blind Nik? Do you not see what you're doing to yourself?" I open my mouth but I can't find what to say so I keep quiet. "There are people who care about you but you push them away."
"It's my life Ryan." I say leaning against the window.
"That it is, and you're fucking throwing it away." He said harshly. "Don't you get it Nik? You pushed me away once I won't let you do it again." I close my eyes to try and block off the tears that are beginning to form in the rims of my eyes. "I just want to help you Nikki."
"Ryan^Å I'm not who I used to be, I'm a different person." My voice is shaky. "I have myself in this hole with no way of getting out. And if I don't get out soon I'm going to suffocate."
I feel Ryan's hand on my shoulder; I didn't even notice him stand up. "Then let me help you, you said you wanted help. What are you afraid of?" he asks softly.
I look at him and let out a soft sigh. I do have someone in my life how actually cares about me. "I don't know what I'm afraid of." I say in almost a whisper. Call me stubborn I guess. A tear slowly rolls down my left cheek as I look down at the floor.
Ryan gently tucks his finger underneath my chin and makes me look up into his green eyes ^Ö those eyes that I love so much; the look of concern fills his eyes. He wipes the tear away with the back of his hand and kisses me softly. A simple kiss, quick and sweet. I stare at him for a moment then kiss him back, my arms wrapping tightly around his neck I feel his hands above my hips right before he pulls away. "Nik wait." He says taking a step back.
I look at him, not really sure what to say or do. "Did I do something wrong?" I ask as I sat back down on the bed.
At first he didn't say anything; he just stands there staring out the window. "I don't want to give you the wrong idea or anything Nik." He finally says.
What the hell is that suppose to mean? "What?" I ask looking up at him.
"I-I'm^Å.engaged." he says softly. "I'm sorry^Å. I should have told you sooner."
It felt like someone had just shoved a knife through my heart a hundred times. "That would have been nice, bit I guess it must have slipped your mind." I said crossing my arms over my chest.
"I'm sorry Nik." He answered reaching for my arm.
I pulled my arm away. "Don't touch me." Here I thought things were getting better and it turns out he's engaged?
"I said I'm sorry."
I take a deep breath and say something I never thought I'd say to him. "Just go."
He looks at me and places his hand on my shoulder. "I know you're upset, but Nik please don't be. What we had is in the past."
I look down at the floor, another stab to the heart. "It's not for me." I could feel my whole body shaking.
"We would have ended up together if you wouldn't have walked out on me. So don't blame me for this." He says looking into my eyes.
"So this is my fault?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest again.
"If you wouldn't have left-"
"I didn't have a fucking choice!" I yell cutting him off. "I couldn't handle staying in Lincoln View. I had to get out."
"You didn't even tell me you were leaving, you just left. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
I just look at him, unsure of what to say. I know just leaving the way I did was wrong and I've regretted it every day since then. "You see?" I slowly manage to say. "Nothing I do is ever good enough, I always fuck up."
Ryan looks at me worriedly and wraps his arms around me but I push him away. "You'll find someone who you deserve."
I let out a heavy sigh. "I don't deserve anyone." I really don't think I deserve love.
"Nikki please, don't talk like that. You're a great person, you really are. You just don't see it."
There was a long moment of silence; I couldn't believe this was happening to me. "I want to be alone." I say to him.
He looks at me and nods, I watch as he walks over to the front door. "I'll come back and check on you alright?"
"I roll my eyes. "Don't bother."
thank u for reading- please check out my group where u can find this and other stories by me. well, til next time. luv u all. Please feel free to leave me any feedback at you_r_always_in_my_heart_rmw@yahoo.com/
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When The People We Love Are Taken From Us, The Way To Have Them Live On Is To Never Stop Loving Them... Buildings Burn, People Die... But Real Love Is Forever... -The Crow