Well here is the next addition to No One Knows The Real Me, I hope everyone enjoyed the first. I really do enjoy writing this story. I hope you all like it. Well enjoy, and please do leave feedback for me. You can e-mail me at you_r_always_in_my_heart_rmw@yahoo.com. Thank you all for your time in reading!
July 17, 2004
I came home to find my brother and my dad in the kitchen arguing about something. At first I figured I would just walk by quietly so I won't interrupt, but as soon as my father spotted me he snapped. "Nikolas, come in here!" he shouts, what did I do? I just got home. I walk silently into the kitchen and lean up against the counter, I look at my brother. Jake had that protective look in his eyes. Was there argument about me? I look around the kitchen, everything's spotless so it can't be because I forgot to do something but why else would he want to talk to me if it wasn't because of something I did.
"Dad, he just got home. Can we talk about this later?" Jake says looking at my father as he walks over to me.
"No! We discuss this now!" he shouts. I could tell he was furious about something but I couldn't quite figure out what. I could smell the alcohol, he must have been drinking.
"What's going on?" I finally ask as I lean even more into the counter. Jake gives me a look that's kind of like a mix of sympathy and frustration. Dad just looks at me, his grey hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in days and just looking at him makes it hard to believe either Jake or me are actually his kids.
"Dad, we really should talk about this later." Jake says standing in front of me. I really don't need him to protect me; I can do it myself, but that how Jake is. Protective older bother.
"Stay the hell out of this Jake! This is between me and your fag of a brother!"
I freeze where I was, did I hear that correctly? How did my dad find out? Did I make it too obvious? My heart felt like it was about to explode in my chest. "If it involves Nik it's my business too, he is my brother." Jake says angrily. This was the first time in the sixteen years of my life I had ever seen my brother stand up to my father like this. I don't want to get him in trouble with dad as well.
I bite my lip nervously. "I-it's okay Jake, you don't have to-" really he doesn't have to.
But before I can say anything more, he cut in. "Don't be stupid Nik, I ain't gonna let him treat you like crap anymore. You've dealt with this enough." he said looking at me.
I didn't argue, I just stood there, my back against the counter. "How dare you stick up for that-?"
"Enough!" Jake shouts his tone was angry, like dad's gets when he's really pissed off. "I've gone my whole life watching you treat him like shit, but enough is enough Dads. Nik is your son too, just like I am. You have no right to treat him any different than you treat me. It's just wrong and I'm tired of watching Nik fall into depression because of the way you treat him."
I can't believe the things Jake was telling our father. It made me feel like I wasn't alone and that my brother really did care enough to stick up for me like this. My dad stares at Jake for a few moments, dumbstruck. He lest out a heavy sigh, wipes the sweat from his forehead, removes his glasses and cleans the lenses before putting them back on. "Well, this is my house and if you think you have any right to tell me how I should raise my kids then you can get the fuck out for all I care. I did a damn good job raising you and this is the thanks I get?" he asks crossing his arms over his chest.
"You didn't raise me, I raised myself. You were never really here. Just like I was the one who practically raised Nik ever since mom died." There were few moments of silence before Jake let out a sigh and walks towards the living room. "But if you want me out, fine. I'm gone."
I stare at my brother, no... This couldn't happen he couldn't leave; this was all because of me.
My dad shrugs his shoulders. "Fine, go." Jake shook his head and storms up stairs. I just stand there in disbelief. I keep my eyes on the floor; there was no way I could look at my dad without crying. "Are you happy now?" I hear him say. I slowly look up at him and our eyes lock. "You're brother's leaving and this is all because of you." I glance back down at the floor, I feel so guilty because I know that it's true. The next thing I know, I feel his hand come hard into contact with the side of my face. "I never want to see you again, go to your room before I really lose my temper."
I do as he says my hand on my cheek where he had hit me. I don't want Jake to leave, maybe I can convince him to stay. When I get up stairs, I lean against the doorway to his room and watch as he walks around his room throwing things into a big suitcase that he has open on his bed. "Please don't leave." I hear myself say before realizing I'm talking.
He looks up at me and then sits on the bed motioning for me to come in and sit beside him. "Nik, I have to alright. I just need to give him some time to cool off alright. A few days at the most. I promise, you and I both know he can't and won't stay mad at me. Alright?" he asks looking at me. All I can do is nod, I feel like if I try to talk nothing will come out. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper with a phone number on it and hands it to me. "If you need to get a hold of me that's where I'll be." he says as he stands back up and looks down at me.
Again, all I can do is nod. He reaches out and ruffles my hair. He smiles at me. I try not to cry. I don't know why, but that's what I feel like doing... just break down and cry. This is all because of me and I feel so bad that I got my brother in trouble because of something I have no control over. Why the hell does life have to be so goddamn unfair?
I stay in Jake's room until he finishes packing enough clothes for a few days, then he walks back over to me and places his hand comfortingly on my shoulder. "Listen little bro, none of this is your fault alright? Dad needs to just loosen up and stop treating you so badly. It's not your fault he's so uptight, so don't ever blame yourself. Promise me that you won't." he says in his protective brother voice.
I look at him and force the words out. "I promise."
He smiles at me before picking his suitcase up off the bed and walking over to the door. "I'll see you in a few days alright?" and with that I watch him walk out of his room for the last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After school on Friday, I rush home as quickly as possible. Jake's been gone three days now and I was hoping he'd be home by now. I get home to find the house completely deserted, no dad and diffidently no Jake. The feeling of disappointment washes over me, I was really hoping to come home and find Jake here. I walk towards the kitchen when suddenly the flashing light on the answering machine catches my attention. I walk over to the phone and press the play button. There is one message....from Jake. "Hey Dad or Nik... who ever gets this message... um... I just wanted to let you guys know I'll be home tonight around six... so, well...I'll see you all then. Bye."
I almost start jumping up and down, I couldn't wait until my brother was home; I miss him. I know he's only been gone a few days, but this is the longest time he had ever been away from me. I had been doing pretty good as far as avoiding my dad when he was home; I took what he said serious. I can tell he isn't too pleased with me about Jake standing up to him like that and then how he just walked out. I guess in a way I couldn't really blame him. A few hours later, I sit here on the couch staring up at the clock, the telephone in my lap waiting for the phone to ring or the door to open. It was almost eight o'clock... Jake was two hours late. It's not like him to be late at all. I press my knees up against my chest and start staring into the blackness of the television screen which is off at the moment. My patience was slowly thinning.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew the sound of the telephone ringing made me jump. Crap^Å I hate it when that happens to me. I picked up the phone and answered. "H-hello?" Nobody answers, but I could tell someone was on the other line because I could hear people talking faintly in the background. I stand up and said again, "hello?"
There was a long pause before the person finally spoke. "Nik?" it was my father. I didn't like the way his voice sounded, I had never heard him speak in this tone of voice before even though he had only said my name. He sounds.... sad. My dad sad? Was that even possible? I lean against the back of the couch and put the phone to my other ear.
"Dad? Is everything alright?" I ask, of course everything's alright, he's probably just drunk.
But now I'm starting to worry now because he's being really quiet. There was another pause before I hear him cough. "N-no, it's not at all. Oh my god." he coughs again.
I'm not really sure what's going on, maybe he just accidentally called... but then, why would he say that something was wrong? I could feel my hear beating hard in my chest. "What's wrong?" I hear myself say. My voice is shaking, and it cracks badly.
Again, another long pause. The people talking in the background get silent and I stand there on the phone with my father in complete silence for what feels like ten minutes. He lets out a heavy sigh, and I hear myself do the same thing. "J-Jake's in the h-hospital..." he finally manages to stutter. I feel my heart sink, did I hear that correctly?
"Wha-? How? I mean... What happened?" I ask, I go to lean against the back of the couch but fail dramatically and end up falling on the floor.
"He was in a car accident on his way home, the driver of the car behind him fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into the side of Jake's car making him lose control of it and he crashed into the guard rail." my father explained to me trying to sound more calm.
I place my hand against my cheek. I could not believe I was hearing this. "I-is he alright?" I ask, I feel tears already starting to form in the rims of my eyes. "Oh god please tell me he's alright."
My dad let out another heavy sigh, "He hit his head hard into the stirring wheel and cause the car doesn't have an air bag he's pretty banged up. And the whole front of the car... Oh god... the front of the car from the impact of the crash crushed him in pretty badly... The doctors aren't sure if he'll...." he couldn't say anymore, he started crying and so did I. Oh my god.... was I going to lose my brother? My best and closest friend in the world? Neither my dad nor I said a word; we both just stayed on the phone crying. I could tell he was trying his hardest to hide it from me but I could tell he was. "This is all your fault." he finally said, his voice changed from sad to angry. "If he wouldn't have stood up for your ass, I'd still have my son!"
I hung up on him. I can't take this right now. I bring my knees up against my chest and bury my face into my hands; I can't believe this was happening. I hate my dad's last comment. Maybe I'd still have my son? And what am I? Did he hate me so much that I wasn't even considered his son to him? Maybe the doctors were wrong, Jake was strong and he'd pull through this. But dad was right, this was my fault. I never should have let Jake get involved, I shouldn't have let him be so protective of me. I sat there behind the couch, in the silence all night wondering how Jake was doing. I want to go to sleep, wake up the next morning and this all be a dream. Jake would be in his room listening to his music, on the phone with his girlfriend Christi like he always was. But sleep was one of the last things I could do right now.
I didn't go to school the next day, instead I called Ryan and had him bring me to the hospital. My dad went home when I got there and told me to call him if I hear anything on Jake's progress. I went slowly into my brother's room and almost started crying just by the way he looked. He was lying in the hospital bed, asleep. He had cuts and bruises everywhere, all over his face. I walk slowly over to him, Ryan at my side and take the seat next to him.
"This is all my fault..." I say in almost a whisper.
Ryan sits next to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "No it's not Nik; you are not responsible for this. Okay? You didn't do anything." he said calmly. "If anyone is to blame it's your father."
I look at Jake, he has tubes everywhere. One in his nose forcing air into his lungs and making him breathe. He has IV's and a little clip looking thing on his middle finger that is keeping track of his heart rate on the heart monitor next to the bed. "I feel so bad... what if he doesn't pull through?" I ask Ryan, my eyes filling with tears.
"You can't think like that alright? You need to think positive, you got to be strong." he answers as he wraps his arms around me. "I'll be here for you until the end alright? I won't leave your side."
"Thanks Ry, but you don't have to." I say to him taking my brother's hand in mine.
Ryan held up his hand to silence me. "Hey, I ain't leaving your side. Besides, what are best friends for?"
Ryan stayed by me as I sat there holding my brothers hand. Watching over him. I look down at my watch it was almost six, the sun was setting and it made Jake glow. This was Jake's favorite part of the day, sunset. When I was 10 or so, he and I used to sit outside on the porch every day and watch the sunset. We still did it occasionally, but not as much as the summer we started to. Ryan stands up and pats me on the back. "I'm going to go down to the cafeteria, do you want anything?" he asks softly.
"No thanks." There's no way I could eat anything, I have absolutely no appetite. "I'll stay and watch him."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, positive." I answer as I rub my thumb against Jake's hand.
"I'll be right back." Ryan says before walking towards the door and walking out.
I sit there alone in silence for a few moments staring at my brother; his heart rate is low and his chest weakly lifts when the oxygen is forced into his lungs. Again, I start crying, "I am so sorry Jake... this is my fault.... Why didn't I stop you!? I shouldn't have let you walk out like that. Damn it... I hate myself." my tears fell down my face and on to his hand. Why had I been so stupid, I could have prevented all of this if I would have tried harder to get him to stay home instead of leaving?
I lay my head on my brother's hand and look up at his closed eyes, and then I slowly close my eyes. But then my eyes flung open when the loud beeping sound of Jake's heart monitor filled the room with a loud eerie noise. I look up at the monitor to see why, and all that was there was a flat, blinking line. Within a few moments, two nurses came in pushing a defibrillator into the room. One of the nurses quickly made me leave the room which I didn't want to. I needed to be with my brother. Five minutes later Ryan return, he had a worried look on his face when he saw me standing there in the hallway.
"What's going on?" he asks, I can tell by the sound of his voice that he's trying not to freak out. I still feel tears running down my face. I look at Ryan for a few seconds, trying to read him. Then I just break down. I can no longer try and stay calm. "Jake's heart stopped." I half scream, falling on to the floor. He places his hand on my shoulder and pulls me into his arms.
"Oh my god Nik, tell me this isn't happening." he says looking into my eyes. God I only wish I could tell him. My heart feels like its being squeezed tightly and it starts getting harder to breathe. Then everything goes black...
I can hear Ryan shouting my name, I feel strange. I can't feel my body. It feels like I'm floating, everything is pitch black and I can't see anything. Then suddenly I stop floating and it feels like I'm falling. Falling hard... Falling into darkness and having no idea what is happening to me. Then suddenly my eyes open and I'm staring up into an extremely bright light. I feel dizzy, the room is spinning and I can't feel my arms or legs.
"Oh my god Nik are you okay?" Ryan asks as he helps me sit up, it's then that I realize where I am. I'm on the floor in the middle of the hallway. I press my forehead to my head, closing my eyes trying to remember what had happened. Did I pass out?
"What happened?" I manage to ask.
"You were standing here and you collapsed." answers an unfamiliar voice, I turn to see who it is. Kneeling beside me is a doctor probably in his late thirties, black hair, piercing green eyes. He looks like he'd belong in a school teaching third graders than a hospital.
"Oh." I say softly pulling myself off of the floor. He looks me over and then shines a light into my eyes to make sure I'm alright - then it hits me. "Jake? Is Jake alright? Can I see him?" I ask looking at Jake's hospital room door.
Ryan looks at the doctor than at me. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder and pulls me a few yards away from the room. "Son, um... your brother-"
But before he could say anymore I cut him off. "Where is he? Where's Jake? I have to see him please!" I could feel my whole body begin to shake.
The doctor shook his head and tried to look at me comfortingly. "Son, your brother didn't make it, we did everything we could to try and get his heart to start beating again but... we couldn't. I am so sorry." he says to me as he pats my shoulder than walks away. I stand there in the middle of the hallway not really sure how I am suppos to respond to this news. I start shaking even worse and I feel my legs give out and I fall on to my knees. I bury my face in my hands and realize I am crying... For how long have I been crying? Does it matter?
I had lost my brother.... and it was all my fault.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I stand in front of the mirror, a plastic band wrapped tightly around my arm as I search for a vein with my right hand. In my left I hold the loaded needle, ready to inject the dark yellowish colored chemicals into my blood stream. Once I finally find a vein, I slowly slid the tip of the needle into my skin. It doesn't hurt at all... after awhile you get used to the little sting that they create when the needle first breaks through the skin, but unlike normal people who are not addicted to drugs like I am, I feel nothing. I've become mentally numb. I don't feel emotions the way I used to, not since I lost Jake. I push the bottom of the syringe and inject the morphine. It kills me that I am so dependent on this drug to the point that it has become a routine in my life. I can't last a day without it, and when I don't shoot up, my skin gets clammy and I get really sick. So what's the point of making myself sick when I can just take the drugs? I wish quitting was easy, but unfortunately it's not. Maybe if I had enough support to back me up I could try to quit, but I know for sure that that is something that I will never have. No one cares what happens to me now, if I would have stopped before things got out of hand maybe I'd live a normal life. But that's something that is just not possible for me anymore. After all, what is normal?