New Found Trust

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I entered our house. I immediately got a strange feeling and, yes, a bad vibration. The house was too quiet. I stood still in the entry hall and focused on what I was hearing. Nothing! My boyfriend was supposed to be home, but there was not one sound that acknowledged his presence. He said this morning he was not going to leave the house and that's why I stopped early at work, to be with him.

We met some three years ago. Philip, my boyfriend, had used all the possible and imaginable tricks to seduce me. I agree I gave him a rough time. It took him over three months to get his first kiss. He had not been shy in admitting his feelings and from the very start he had called me "gorgeous" and "sweet" and even "fabulous". I thought he was exaggerating. I know that with my height and weight I was well proportioned. My wavy brown hair and my piercing blue eyes were attracting quite some stares from women as well as from men. My two days stubble adorned my squared chin and my white and even teeth made my smile a very nice one. Philip has the same features although he is blond and his eyes are more green than blue. We both have a nice amount of chest hair and hairy legs. We both trim our body and crotch hair and shave our balls and shaft. I gave him his first kiss because I knew if I didn't, I would lose him. I didn't want to lose him, but I had my share of bad experiences and didn't want to rush in a new commitment. That first kiss was the trigger to go further and the very next day we were in bed together.

In those three years, Philip had shown me the meaning of the word "love". That guy had a way to make me feel special. He had the power to give a real sense to my life. He had to wait another nine moths before I asked him to move in with me and on the first anniversary of our meeting, he brought in his suitcases. Since that day, we shared everything and he taught me how to express my feelings and not holding back anything. He was the one who explained to me the importance of communication. It took me some time to get to it, but finally managed. He praised my efforts and encouraged me to go on like that. For him, communication was a like a second nature. He had always been very open and had the ability of finding words to express his feelings.

But there I stood, in the entry hall, focusing on any noise. I entered the living room, but it was empty. There were no smells of cooking, so I knew he was not in the kitchen, but checked it anyway. The kitchen was his domain and was always spotless and immaculate. I checked the bathroom and there was no one there. I went into my home office, but knew he wouldn't be there either. I just dropped off my briefcase. I went to our bedroom and just before opening the door I heard a moan. I thought Philip was horny and was pleasing himself. Without making any noise I opened the door and the first thing I saw was a pair of buttocks covered with black hair. Those buttocks were clearly not Philip's. I opened the door further and saw those buttocks moving rhythmically. It was clear the owner of those buttocks was fucking someone, but he was so indulged in his actions that he didn't hear me.

I opened the door completely and saw my boyfriend kissing the stranger passionately. He had not heard me entering the room either. My first impulse was to ask what was going on, but the question seemed totally superfluous. I was too stunned to react. I just turned around, closed the door and went to sit in the living room. When they were finished, they would have to pass through it anyway. I waited. It took them about an hour to finish their business. Coming from the bedroom, I heard the stranger say it had been wonderful as usual and that he would call. Just at the entrance of the living room I saw the stranger handing over some banknotes to Philip who slipped them in the pocket of his jeans. The stranger left hurriedly without seeing me sitting in the living room. Philip closed the door behind him and came back to the living room where he, at last, saw me staring at him. He was clearly shocked. I didn't say a word. I waited to see what kind of explanation he had, although the situation was as clear as water.

• How long have you been here? Philip asked.

• A bit over an hour, I answered.

Philip realized I had seen enough. I saw he was trying to find an excuse, but he knew there was none. He didn't say anything but went to the bedroom and pulled on a T-shirt. He came back to the living room and sat in front of me. I had had an hour to think of what to do or what to say. I felt hurt. It was only when I saw the money going from the stranger's hand to Philip's that I became aware of what he was doing. Apparently there was no emotional relationship with that man. It was business. That hurt me even more. We had no financial problems whatsoever. There was no reason to fuck for money! But Philip had done it! I didn't understand why. I asked him that simple three-letter word. Why?

Philip, who had always been able to talk easily, was at a total lack of words. He instinctively knew that whatever he would say, wouldn't change the situation we were in. I took a deep breath and said:

• You are aware that the trust I had in you has been shattered in millions of pieces in just a split second?

He kept his head bowed and looking to the floor. He still hadn't said a word. I got angry but tried not to show it. I had always told him that a relationship was based on three pillars: Feelings, Respect and Trust and that if one of those pillars came down, the relationship would soon follow and fall to pieces. Philip was far from stupid, or at least that was what I thought of him. By saying the trust was broken and gone, he knew my way of thinking would lead to an end of our relationship. I knew it as well. Although I loved him, I knew the outcome was inevitable.

• I hope you have been able to save enough money, so you can find another place to continue your "business". I'll go for a walk now and will be out of the house for about two hours. When I come back, I want you to be out of here. Take what you came with two years ago. Whatever I find that is yours when I come back will go straight to the waste bin.

With that said, I got up, took my cell phone and my keys and left the house. The first thing I did was going to a hardware store and buy a new lock for the front door. I then entered the first pub on my way and had a stiff drink. My brains were working at the speed of light. I tried to be rational enough to convince myself I had taken the right decision. I looked at my watch every five minutes till the two hours had passed. I got back to the house just in time to see Philip getting into a taxi and drive off.

I went into the house and first of all changed the lock. Then I went into the bedroom and saw his clothes were gone from the closet. A quick inspection of the house told me he had taken just that. Seeing the empty space in the closet, I sat down on the bed and started crying and sobbing. Even though it was Philip who had sex with other men and been paid for it, I felt guilty. I wondered what I had done wrong. Our sex life had been great. Our living together had been great. The connection we had, had been great. So, where had it gone wrong? What had I done to make him want to prostitute himself? A million questions went through my head but didn't receive any answer and would probably never receive them. I had to busy myself and the only thing that came to my mind was to change the sheets on the bed. Once it was done I threw myself on the bed, fully clothed, and sobbed myself to sleep.

The next morning, when I got up, I looked at my cell phone and saw five missed calls from Philip. I hadn't even heard it ringing. It was best. I went to make some coffee. As it was a Friday, and knowing things would be slow at work, I called my boss and took a day off. I would have been totally useless anyway. Around ten, I heard a van stop in front of the house. Philip got out of it and ran to the door, but as the lock was changed, he couldn't get in. I heard him swear and curse me before he left. He tried to call me several times during the day, but I never answered the phone.

Yes, I have to admit it, I was devastated, and not only by what he had done, but also because I thought I had done something wrong causing him to do it. I was devastated because I had taken such a drastic decision and that now he was gone. I was devastated because he had answered none of my questions. I felt I was a failure. Why was it that I trusted someone and as soon as I did, he had to tear our relationship to pieces. It was now the third time this happened to me. Three times in a row I had caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I had learned with time that there were three milestones in a relationship. The first one at two and a half to three years, because the newness has gone. The second milestone is at six and a half to seven years, because a certain routine has settled in. And the third one at twelve and a half to thirteen years, because most of the people want to prove they still "have it" and can seduce someone else. It is a fact that the promiscuity of gay men is legendary and that their hunter's instinct often leads the way. Strangely enough, I had never hunted but always been hunted. With the experiences, I had vowed to never again make the first step. Stupid? Probably! But that's the way I am now and after the break-up with Philip, even more!

My house, that I loved, was getting to me. A claustrophobic sensation came over me more than once. It was as if the walls came down on me. I had the sensation that all the rooms became smaller by the day. Very often I opened the windows, even if it was freezing cold, because I thought or felt I couldn't get enough air in my lungs. It became a habit to sleep with open windows, even if that meant I had to cover myself with an extra duvet. In winter I set the automatic switch to the heating so that at least the bathroom would be warm. I would get up, shut the window and run to the bathroom. Once finished in there, the chilly air of the bedroom would be gone.

In the evenings, after coming home from work, I would switch on the television to have the feeling someone was in the house. I didn't care what was on, it was just a question of hearing voices.

It took me about two months before I stopped crying myself to sleep and felt self-pity. I had been able to talk about the situation with some friends and it had helped. It was always like that: after the break-up people open up to you and admit they didn't like my ex. It seemed to be that most people felt like they had to choose a side. I didn't care if they wanted to go on seeing my ex. Everybody is free to choose what he or she wants. Anyway, I pulled myself together and came to the conclusion I had done nothing wrong, but I vowed to never fall in love again. I knew that was stupid as falling in love is not a deliberate choice. It happens to you and that's it, but I would certainly try to avoid it.

Friends tried very hard to bring a smile on my face. That's what friends are for, isn't it? They want the best for you and it almost ever starts with a smile. Once they saw I came out of my "depression", they started to invite me for meals and going out for a drink. They said I shouldn't lock myself up in my house, that I had to live on and try to put Philip behind me. I knew I had to and accepted most invitations even if I didn't feel like it. Surprisingly enough it was when I didn't feel like it that I had the best nights. I even accepted a night out in a karaoke bar. I didn't sing though, but it was funny to see some people trying although they couldn't sing at all.

Life came back to "normal". I went to work from Monday to Friday, cleaned the house and ran my errands on Saturday and always went for a walk in the park on Sundays. I was a lucky guy, because I loved my job and the huge load of work I had prevented me to think about my situation. From nine to five I was so concentrated on my tasks that I didn't think about the empty house I would go back to. I work as a sales manager and have to see to it that my team reaches its goals. They count on me and I count on them. From time to time I had to travel for the company's needs and the first time I was sitting in the plane after Philip left, I was thinking how many clients he had had when I was traveling. I had to be tested soon as we never used any protection. I assumed we were monogamous and therefor didn't need any. I just crossed my fingers he had always used condoms when he was with one of his "clients".

I immediately made an appointment with my doctor at the medical center and was glad I wouldn't have to wait too long. The nurse draw blood and while we waited for the first basic result, we chatted amicably. I explained to him what had happened and he was very understanding. He even asked me if I needed anti-depressive medication but I politely declined. I hate medication. I take them when it is absolutely necessary, like having a bad cold or the flew. The nurse came back and handed the doctor a piece of paper. He smiled and said I was clean! He would of course have a more serious test done, but was quite convinced about that result as well. I was relieved with the news.

In a few occasions, when going out for a drink, I saw Philip in the corner of my eyes. It was clear he wanted to come over and talk with me, but my friends being friends, prevented that each time. Bit-by- bit I could be in the same place as Philip without getting nervous or upset. I just saw him as another client in any bar or restaurant. I could see he was always in company, but never twice with the same guy.

What I noticed, the longer I was alone and on my own, was that there were a whole lot of attractive people. Most of them probably didn't even know how attractive they were and that made them even more attractive. One of them was the ma"tre d in one of my favorite restaurants. I thought he looked quite young to assume such a job, but he did it to perfection, always taking care of the well being of the clients. We had the same built and he was really stunning in his tuxedo. I caught myself thinking about how he would look out of that tuxedo and dressed in jeans and T-shirt or without anything at all. It was just daydreaming because I still wouldn't allow myself to be involved in anything yet. He didn't know that, of course, and was smiling nicely at me each time our eyes met.

As one day I arrived at that restaurant without reservation, he was sorry to tell me he had no table for me. He insisted on making reservations each time I wanted to come. He took a business card of the restaurant and wrote something on the back of it. He handed me the card and said I should call before coming and that he had written his personal number on the back in case I couldn't get through on the restaurant's number. I thanked him and put the card in my wallet. It was only when I was home that I took the card out again and read what was written on it.

"To make reservations ... or whatever I can help you with" and his number. The message was clear! I knew I wouldn't call him. There was no way I was going that way. Why start something if it was to be hurt again? Three relationships with fatal end were more than enough for me. Even though some friends told me that there was nothing wrong with a one-night-stand, I was not up for it. If I had to pleasure myself till my last day, it was good enough for me. At least I had some pleasure without risking to be hurt again.

I went back to "Delicatessen" (my favorite restaurant with the nice looking ma"tre d) several times and the ma"tre d was always professional and nice. I made sure to call to reserve a table each time. By the third or the fourth time, the ma"tre d knew my name, of course. When he brought the bill he asked if he could ask me something. I agreed.

• It would be nice to have an e-mail of any kind, as we often have special menus or special offers. We like to tell our best clients about it. Do you have any e-mail where we can send that information?

I wrote my e-mail down on one of my business cards, telling him he had my business e-mail as well as my personal one. Inside I was smiling because it was the first time someone so blatantly asked for my details. AndrŽ, the ma"tre d, was a nice person and even though I guessed he would use the e-mail for more personal purposes, I didn't see him as a threat.

When I got home and switched on my computer, I was only half surprised to find and e-mail of the restaurant. They welcomed me to their mailing list and assured me they would do everything in their power to give me satisfaction at each visit. The restaurant manager signed it, but there was a postscript from AndrŽ, mentioning his personal e-mail and telling they would REALLY look forward to my next visit. Over the following weeks I received several e-mails form the restaurant, but always with the same postscript of AndrŽ.

At work we had reached record figures. I asked my boss if there was anything left in the budget to invite my team for a meal to show our gratitude for the good job they had done. I received the ok and called "Delicatessen" to reserve a table for eight. AndrŽ was delighted and assured he would personally see that everything would be to perfection. And he did! The meal was absolutely exquisite and the service perfect. My guys were in heaven. Coffee and liquors were on the house. I went over to AndrŽ's desk to settle the bill and we had a little small talk. Once the bill was paid, and a nice tip was left, AndrŽ sighed and I looked quizzically in his eyes. I saw he wanted to say something more, but he didn't. After all he was at his job and had to stay professional. As he was a bit nervous, I put my hand on his arm and said he had my e-mail. He smiled at me and got immediately back to his professional mode thanking me for our visit.

It took AndrŽ more than a week to have the guts to send me an e-mail, not from the restaurant's account, but from his personal e-mail address. It was clear he didn't want to jeopardize his professionalism and the e-mail was quite neutral. Nonetheless he suggested that maybe we could have a drink sometime. Even though the e-mail suggested just that, the flirting was obvious. I was tempted to delete the message. A big warning sign was flashing in front of my eyes. "DANGER" ... "DANGER" ... "DANGER"!!! The last year had been turmoil of emotions and deceptions. At last I was reaching some inner peace and now AndrŽ tried, unconsciously, to disturb it. I had to admit he was attractive and professional. For the rest I didn't know anything about him. From the various visits to "Delicatessen" I knew he was kind, but I didn't know more. I was familiar with the expression "You can't penalize a new love because an old one hurt you". I was not considering AndrŽ as a new love, but I instinctively knew it could go that way. AndrŽ couldn't possibly know I was gay and I couldn't say for sure he was. Was it that that people called "gaydar"?

I had to summarize my year since Philip was gone. I had thrown myself into work, celebrated Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with some friends as well as New Year. I received about fifteen cards for my birthday and the same amount of phone calls. For the holidays I had been on a cruise and the rest of my leisure time I had been redecorating my house. I had had no sex at all, except with my hand. I had visited "delicatessen" about twice a month, which brought the total of my visits up to twenty-four. Friends had invited me to suppers where they tried to match me with potential lovers, six of them! I was not happy but not unhappy either. What I realized was that I was a hermit if nobody asked me out. I never went out by own choice. I was wondering if my vow to remain alone for the rest of my life was a good idea. I thought about the law of attraction. As long as I was going to think negatively, only negative things would come my way. It was just a matter to change my thoughts! I mean, I could do it in my job. Why couldn't I do it for my personal life? Looking back on that year, I saw how pathetic I had become. I used to enjoy life to the fullest. I used to go out and have a drink and talk to total strangers without the shadow of a doubt. That's how I had made the friends I had. I was in the second half of my thirties and looking in the mirror I saw an in-shape guy. A few gray hairs had started to appear on my temples, but I still had all of it. I had no belly but a six-pack either. In my job I am a very confident man and that's what brought the promotion to sales manager. The only thing I had to do was to find that same confidence in myself in my private life.

One Friday I received yet another e-mail from AndrŽ, telling me that he was getting off work for a week to compensate all the extra hours he had done at the restaurant. Was he telling me that so I would know he would not be at the restaurant if I decided to go to eat? Or was he telling me that so I would know he had free time? I told myself to be confident and call AndrŽ. I still had the business card of the restaurant in my wallet. I looked for it and read again the little note. I took my cell phone and dialed his number. I thought it was about time to have that drink he had suggested so many times. We agreed to meet at a bar downtown. I surprised myself with the dedication I put in being as presentable as possible. I changed my outfit three or four times and finally wore 501's with a white T- shirt and an open button down shirt as well as Nike's. When I arrived at the bar, AndrŽ was already there and was wearing similar clothes to mine. As he was not working, he had not shaved and a two- day stubble was visible on his jaw. We were that similar that we could easily have said we were brothers.

It felt a bit weird at first. We had known each other exclusively in the restaurant where he was always wearing a tuxedo and, most of the time, I wearing my office suit. We were now wearing things we had never seen each other with, but it made the conversation easier. We talked like we were old and close friends. AndrŽ talked with ease about his background, family and friends, but didn't mention anything about his sexual orientation or past relationships. I kept it all at the same level. We were almost playing a game of cat and mouse to see who would be the first one to give an indication about what we wanted and give a clue to the other one.

Time flew by. After about three hours of nice conversation, my stomach made a strange noise. I invited AndrŽ to join me for my meal and he accepted immediately. It was my chance to try to know something more.

• Don't you have to call your wife or girlfriend that you will be later? I asked.

• No, no one special in my life! he answered. I have dedicated my life to work and reaching the place I have now. I had no time to go out or to find that person I wanted to share my life with.

Damn! I hadn't received the answer I was searching for. Ok, I knew he was not married, but I had not received any indication about what he fancied: women or men. He then returned the question to me.

• How about you? Do you have to call anybody?

• No, I don't! I said. My last relationship ended over a year ago. Since then I am a workaholic, like you, although for different reasons. I am already where I wanted to be. The only step I could take further in my job is to fire my boss and take his place, but I am not that ambitious! I love what I am doing and don't want any more responsibilities! What I have is more than enough.

• I hope the divorce was not too painful, AndrŽ said.

He was clearly fishing for information as much as I did. I remembered I told myself to be confident. It was now or never.

• We were not married, I said, it is still not legal yet. In some countries it is, but here we haven't reached that maturity of mind and spirit.

AndrŽ smiled and said Thank You. I asked him what for.

• At last you gave me the piece of information that was missing. So Thank You for taking the little doubt away. I knew and hoped we would reach at least that point.

• And what about you? Are you going to give me the piece of information I am missing?

• Oh, I thought it was clear as water, but if you want the confirmation about my being gay or not, the answer is yes. I am gay. I don't advertise it in newspapers and don't shout it from the highest roof in town, but when asked I have no problem saying it.

We both stretched our hands at the same time and shook them as if we had just been introduced. We left the bar and went to a nearby restaurant. AndrŽ told me a bit more about his life and I told him what had happened with Philip. He was as indignant as I had been when I had caught him.

• You loved him very much? It must have hurt an awful lot.

• Yes, I loved him! But what hurt the most was not that I had to stop loving him. What hurt the most was the trust that was shattered to pieces. You can't imagine what that did to me. I felt so stupid having trusted him during years and afterwards not knowing if his answers to me were true or not. Three months after the break-up I went to be tested on STD's because I was not sure anymore of that either. Fortunately I came out completely clean. What I am going to say, please, don't take it personally, but I just wonder if I will ever be able to trust someone a hundred percent in the future.

• You know, he said, trust is a growing plant. You have to put the right seed in the ground and wait that time proves if something will grow or not. Once it comes out of the ground, you have to give it water and sometimes fertilizer without overdoing it. With the years, the plant grows. If you give it the wrong products, it will die. If you pull the plant out of the ground, it dies. What your ex did was pulling the plant out of the ground because he took for granted it would never die. That's the biggest mistake you can make in a lifetime.

I was moved by his explanation. He was so right! Trust is something that has to grow and never take for granted. Trust is something you have to have and working on it every single day of your life. It takes year to build and only a split second to shatter it to pieces. It was clear AndrŽ knew what he was talking about. He went on:

With you I planted the seed already some time ago. Our conversation of today was the necessary water and fertilizer. I hope the plant will grow with time. I cross my fingers that the stupidity of your ex will not prevent you to give the plant some water from time to time. I would like to see it growing and that we both take care of it.

He had somewhat a sheepish smile on his face. With all the metaphors I saw us looking at the plant and we had both smiles on our faces. It was as if we were sealing a bond, signing a contract. It gave me back some trust in the human race. AndrŽ was having a strange effect on me, but I liked it. I couldn't remember the time I had felt so at ease with someone. That was new!

The food was delicious and the company even better. We parted around midnight. I got home and felt fantastic. I took a shower and went to bed. I thought about the day and AndrŽ's image was in my mind and in my dreams. Would it be that I would fall in love again?

To be continuedÉ All comments welcome at amahy1957@gmail.com