DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth. Some events/persons have been altered for the purpose of the story. There may be scenes of unsafe practices which are not endorsed by this author. All other usual warnings and precautions should be considered here. Feel free to write with any comments, corrections, etc. Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment. And remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.
This part of my life was important. I was becoming something else. I was becoming myself. Those two halves of me which could never exist at the same time were starting to coalesce. It felt very similar to the classic storyline in comic books where two realities were starting to crossover. My one self which liked Cole and wanted to just live for the moment was entering into the reality created by my detached and calculating self. However, I couldn't achieve 100% synchronization without taking care of a few things first.
As I stood, wet and shirtless, in the apartment vestibule I began to understand the task at hand. I had to confess to my roommates that I had a boyfriend. Well it wasn't so much confess as I hadn't committed a crime. It was more like I had to introduce them to a new situation. As if they were to solve a proof, Cole was to be a given.
I ascended up to the apartment. Daft Punk's Human After All entered my head and remained there. For some reason my subconscious felt it appropriate to remind me that I was in fact human after all even if I spoke through a vocoder and wore a robot helmet. Lex was sitting on the couch in his boxers and a t-shirt. His hair was a little askew and he clearly had just woken up.
"Oh look who's showed up," Lex was intrigued by my arrival.
"Yup, it's me," I remained in the doorway as the door shut behind me.
I had resolved myself to simply tell my roommates I had a boyfriend. It would be as simple as that. Human emotions would not faze me and I could never truly guess the response of either of my friends. But I was counting on the fact that they were my friends and that our shared experiences would count for something.
"So, what'd you do last night?" well he asked for it.
"Slept with a guy," and I gave it to him.
"Sorry?" Lex's confusion was clear, but I wasn't sure if there was more than just confusion there.
"Why are you apologizing?" his response didn't fit the subject at hand.
"No, it's just, did I hear you correctly?" Lex stood up and turned off the TV.
"I would hope you did. I can recall my previous statement in our conversation. I slept with a guy," I stated it pretty casually.
"Was this purposeful sleeping with a guy?"
"It was accidentally on purpose really."
"Did you have sex with him?"
"No."
"Are you gay?" Lex scratched his head and made his way over to me until we were only two feet or so apart, he leaned against a chair.
"I don't think so," I admit I wasn't being particularly helpful here but I was a little confused too.
"Well then why'd you do it? Some weird experiment or something? Guys don't just sleep with other guys for no reason and act so stone-faced about it," now I could tell Lex was getting a little frustrated with me.
"It's because I like him. It's because I went on a date with him on Wednesday. It's because I'm confused and stupid and not normal. Are these responses adequate?" the magnitude of the situation was starting to get to me.
"Dude, those responses are definitely adequate," Lex came over and hugged me, brief though it was, he had showed his acceptance.
"Further questions?" I wanted to terminate the exchange and stare at my ceiling.
"Yeah, three actually. First, if you're not gay then what are you?"
"Bi, I think so anyway."
"Alright I guess. Second, who is this person, and are they as equally as fucked up as you are?"
"You'll meet him tomorrow, and no he is a 3 on a scale from 1 to 10 where 10 is really fucked up."
"Oh hey we get to meet Lucas' little boyfriend," Lex teased, "Last, why are you so fucked up?"
"It's who I am," with that I went and surrendered myself to my bed.
I lay on top of my sheets, and I didn't even bother to take off my shoes. One leg remained dangling over the edge of the bed. I knew that eventually Lex would give some hint to Kyle about my behavior and he would show up to go through a, simpler, manner of questioning. In the meantime I rubbed my head and quietly sang Technologic. I knew at this point I was going insane, I could feel it. There was that hot buzzing in my head and I couldn't help but talk to rationalize all of my thoughts. Nothing I was saying made sense, but I knew that eventually I would come down from my emotional crisis.
"Why am I so fucked up? Lex really is right. I mean I can't help but be like this, no one else made me this way. It's not like I'm denying myself or anything. I should just go live in a hole somewhere and sell sculptures made from bicycle spokes. That's my ideal existence. At least I didn't screw shit over with Cole. At least I'm not that fucked up," I really was going mad.
"Dude what are you doing?" Kyle laughed as he shuffled over into my room, he wore nothing but a pair of jeans, and I was too crazed to notice much.
"Isn't it obvious, I'm attempting to rationalize my insanity," I remained staring at the ceiling.
"So who's this boyfriend of yours?" Kyle took a seat at my desk.
"I met him this past week, he'll come over tomorrow and you guys can talk or probe him or whatever."
"I'll leave the probing to you dude," Kyle laughed a little at his own joke, it was clever.
"Hey well I'm not doing the probing yet myself. Still an alien in training. So you aren't going to freak out and ask a bunch of questions?"
"Can I ask questions?" Kyle didn't realize what he had just done.
"I assume so since you just posed one," I wasn't sure he would catch his own mistake.
"Oh, yeah I guess I did. Well I am going to ask you some more things anyway. Lex already told me you said you aren't gay and you didn't have sex. Have you at least kissed the guy?"
"Yes, on a number of occasions with different degrees of intensity."
"Have you ever checked me out?"
"Kyle!" I lifted my head and looked at him a little surprised at the question.
"Hey! I get to ask questions, I'm curious," I knew he meant no harm by asking.
"Yes I have," I was slightly embarrassed.
"And?" he had a sly grin on his face.
"Do you want me to say you're hot or something? Yes you are definitely attractive but I would never even attempt anything, and that goes the same for Lex too."
"Aww yeah I knew it," he proceeded to flex his right bicep.
"Are you done now Magilla?" I doubt he caught the reference.
"Yup, can't wait to meet Lucas' little boyfriend," curse that Lex, Kyle exited my room in the same manner he entered.
I sat on my bed for the next three hours with my headphones on listening to This is Happening by LCD Soundsystem. The music wasn't talking to me on some complex and deep emotional level, rather it was appealing to my sense of life. It was meant to lure out my new self even further. It was meant to encourage me to really get up and start living. I didn't have to destroy my old self entirely but I had to stop being such a brooding little shit. Hiding behind numbers and stoicism would get me nowhere in life. I didn't have to transform into this social butterfly all of a sudden who did every crazy thing imaginable, but I had to become human, as much as I hated it. There were plenty of qualities I had which should be emphasized more instead of hidden. I was smart, I could understand people pretty easily, I loved music, and I was an extremely deep individual. This was not meant to be a moment of humility. I could still hate a lot of things and most people and pretend like I knew better, but I couldn't let myself get me down anymore. I had to dance myself clean.
The remaining hours leading up to Cole's arrival the next day I spent as an empty husk. I was the green part you threw away into the trash. The corn was out there somewhere, but I couldn't quite figure out where. I had shucked away my old self before fully understanding my new self. I felt lost, but I knew I would be found. It was like I had been stranded in the woods for my whole life and finally I found that path leading out, but I still had to hike my way up.
Eventually the time came for Cole to arrive at my apartment. My decision for dinner was scrutinized for the two hours preceding his estimated arrival time. I couldn't make anything Asian since we had already eaten at the Noodle Bowl. After much debate I finally decided on chicken Marsala with mushrooms and some pasta, but not too much pasta as I felt it detracted too much from the chicken. Given Cole's 4:00 arrival time I couldn't start cooking early because it wouldn't be time to eat when he got here. Maybe he wanted to test my cooking ability? Little did he know that I was actually pretty good at cooking and there were very few recipes which truly intimidated me. Soon enough there was a knock at the apartment door.
"Lucas' boyfriend is here," Kyle jumped up from the couch to answer the door.
"Kyle calm down," his enthusiasm was rather unexpected.
Kyle eagerly opened the door and indeed it was Cole. He had opted to wear his glasses this time and seemed to be maintaining the stubble he had going on. His outfit was something I would have suspected him to wear, dark blue flat shorts and a white button down shirt with only one of the sleeves rolled up to his elbow. It was an odd sort of planned uneasiness.
"Hey nice to meet you, I'm Cole," he extended his hand for Kyle.
"Oh yeah it's good to meet you too," Kyle shook his hand and the enthusiasm in his voice was noticeable.
"Lucas' little boyfriend is here?" Lex emerged from his room at the sudden entrance of the new visitor.
"Quit it Lex," I was not amused but knew I would have to endure their teasing.
Cole introduced himself to Lex as well and the apartment started to settle down a little. Luckily there wasn't as much grilling as I had expected there might have been and Cole was certainly able to hold his own in conversation. As I sat watching the interactions unfolding before me I began to formulate a theory. Could it be possible that Cole was also experiencing a coalescence of selves? His closet and general contrast of interests served as evidence to begin my observation. As it approached 5:00 I decided that I should begin preparing dinner. I left the three of them to discuss matters in the living room.
Our kitchen was a fine space with enough room to accommodate at most two people cooking at once. Luckily I was only cooking for Cole and myself, Lex and Kyle would manage. I began preparing the chicken for its bath in oil and wine alongside the mushrooms. The pasta pot was filled with water and set to boil while I heated some oil in a pan. I hate working with flour, but I endured it nevertheless. Time always seems to move faster when preparing food, but unbearably slow when cooking it. As I set the chicken up in the pan I noticed Cole walk into the kitchen.
"Nice room," he smiled at me knowing full well that his comment would elicit a response.
"It serves its purpose," I enjoyed referencing past conversations.
"So what have you been up to aside from trying out for a Navy SEALs recruitment video?" Cole came over and rubbed the minimal amount of hair on my head.
"Existing as an empty vessel filled only by LCD Soundsystem," I wrangled the chickens in the pan and prepared the mushrooms for entry.
"I believe in waking up together."
"That means making eyes across the room. Just cause I'm heartless doesn't mean that I'm mean."
"Oh that one suits you really well."
"I know. I've been enlightened and lost all at the same time over the past few days. Like my life is some botched existential Martin Scorsese film. But I think it's getting better," I added the wine to the mushrooms and chicken.
"You know I'm happy you're my fucked up little psych case," Cole hugged me from the side, I was too busy cooking to reciprocate.
"I'm happy you're my slightly less fucked up psych case," my probability response told me to say that.
"Yeah I guess you're right, but hey we're doing this together," he seemed to derive solace in my company.
"I learned that I need to live my life. I taught myself that while running shirtless through a rainstorm," the pasta was added to the now boiling water.
"Can we save the deep shit for after dinner?" Cole was interested but not at this moment.
"Sure, I propose talking about your musical interests instead," I was fascinated by his ability to quote those song lyrics.
"Okay. Well we can start general, I like certain types of EDM, almost all Indie music, and in some cases Alternative and Hip-Hop. Getting more specific I have been listening more to Daft Punk, Grizzly Bear, and Wolfmother lately."
"Have you ever listened to Arcade Fire?"
"Of course. Have you ever heard of The Asteroids Galaxy Tour?"
We went on like that until the food was ready. Generally I approved of his musical preferences which really was crucial for this to work. Dinner tasted very good and to my satisfaction Cole definitely approved of my cooking. We were harassed again slightly by Lex and Kyle but it was all in good fun of being roommates. After cleaning up the cooking supplies we went back to my room. Cole closed the door.
"Alright, you get fifteen minutes of psychoanalysis and then I get to pick the activity," Cole gave a little smirk.
"Permission to turn on music first?" I wasn't going to let my speaker system go to waste this year.
"Granted," Cole moved and sat on my bed.
The choice of music would be a difficult one. I didn't want anything too loud or involved. For some reason I was also feeling something foreign. Air's Moon Safari album was what I ended up selecting, Cole seemed not to notice the selection much. I realized that I would have until the end of "Sexy Boy" for my session of self-revelation. I sat next to Cole and leaned my head on his shoulder, he rubbed my hair.
"So I was walking home with my headphones and no umbrella and it started raining. I removed my shirt to wrap my headphones and ended up soaked. While I stood in the vestibule cursing the rain and dripping I learned that I had to just accept that there is inherent randomness in life and I can't do anything about it. I have to just let myself be me and not live in two halves," I just said everything I was thinking.
"I would've liked to see you get frustrated in the rain after your haircut. You can't live like two souls inhabiting one body, it doesn't work," Cole responded.
"I know, and I don't have to stop being me, I just have to be all of me. I think you're helping me," I turned my head a little to look at him.
"Spoons, I will help you however I can," he kissed me.
This was what felt right to me. Someone who understood me but barely even knew me. Cole would listen to my shit and just know what to do. I always thought I needed to find someone like myself to be happy, but I was wrong. I needed someone who had the things I didn't have. Cole could complete me. As I came to this realization "Sexy Boy" ended.
"Ok my time is over," I said as I broke our kiss.
"Then it's time for some real fun," Cole smiled and slid his hand up my shirt to tease my nipple.
"Cole, we can spend as much time as you want on this activity," I understood that our relationship had to have a good sexual aspect, and I liked it.
He continued to play around with me for only another minute before removing my shirt entirely. We started kissing and I instinctively went to start unbuttoning his pants. There was no opposition to my action so I let my hand slide in his shorts and massage the fabric surrounding his cock. I could tell that he was hard already and I was getting aroused too.
"I forgot you were a no bullshit kind of guy," Cole said a little hoarsely.
"I take my coffee black," with the comment I pressed a little harder against his encased dick.
"Let's lose the clothing," Cole clearly wanted to start escalating things further.
I was happy to oblige that suggestion. I unbuttoned his shirt while he slid my jeans off. Soon enough we were naked lying next to each other on my bed, and both of us were clearly erect. I still remained slightly enamored with Cole's cock and couldn't help but stroke it in an almost exploratory manner. He was happy to support my expedition. When I was content with exploring I switched over to pleasuring him. The strokes started out slow as Cole closed his eyes and bucked gently with the downward thrusts.
"That's so nice Lucas. I can't wait to give you my surprise," Cole still had his eyes closed.
"Can't wait," there wasn't much else to say.
I stopped stroking for a bit to rub my thumb around the head of his dick. Some precum was already collecting around his slit and I rubbed it around the head. When I was satisfied with that activity I got back to stroking Cole a little bit faster.
"Lucas I want you to make me cum, go faster," Cole leaned over and gave me a kiss on the lips and then neck.
Not wanting to disappoint, I picked up the pace and pressure. If Cole wanted to come then that was what would happen, but I would have my fun first. I noticed that he seemed to really started getting heated and decided to stop stroking altogether. Before he could protest I picked up the pace again, and then stopped.
"Lucas you little shit," Cole laughed.
This time I brought on his orgasm, and I guess my teasing made it a bit more forceful than usual. I watched as his legs stiffened and his abdominals tensed. Then there was a shallow gasp before an eruption of ecstasy.
"Oh fuck," Cole said before shooting his load.
About ten ropes of cum made their way out of his dick and up across his stomach and chest, the first one managed to hit his neck. All of it was really hot and I was about ready to get off as well. After a few minutes filled with heavy breathing, Cole finally spoke.
"Lucas can you clean me off before we start on something else?" Cole didn't want to move, or maybe he couldn't move.
I went and got a towel from my laundry basket and cleaned the cum off of Cole. Immediately after I got back onto the bed, Cole was leaning over me on his knees. He started off by kissing my lips, and then my neck, next my chest, then stomach. Then he went even lower and I knew what was happening next. Cole was giving me head. It was my fantasy, the one I never thought would happen.
Never had I gotten a blowjob from a guy, and never had it felt so good. Cole was no expert but he certainly knew what he was doing. He mouth felt wonderful and I found myself face fucking him slightly. After I settled down a bit he took it as a signal to deep-throat me. Never had I felt anything like that before. I wouldn't have guess Cole was the type of guy who could give such great head. But then again I hadn't guessed he was gay either. It didn't take very long for me to cum and Cole swallowed every drop. The sheer wave of pleasure brought on by that sexual act wasn't like anything I had ever felt before. I lost control of every part of my body, even my tongue. If I had screamed I wouldn't have heard it. Cole slumped down beside me and smiled.
"You complete me too."
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