DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth. Some events/persons have been altered for the purpose of the story. There may be scenes of unsafe practices which are not endorsed by this author. All other usual warnings and precautions should be considered here. Feel free to write with any comments, corrections, etc. Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment. And remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.
Have you ever really contemplated existence? Not necessarily the existence of one's self, but the general context of existence. This shared sort of experience amongst all things which are. Something that relates everything to everything else. It wasn't time or gravity or knowledge. It was the sheer fact of being. I often thought about this concept of being, and it could really drive me to totally remove myself from just about everything. Sometimes I would be doing homework or eating lunch and then I would think of going for a walk to somewhere and just sit. These journeys were basically thought of as exertions of my ability to exist. I could move myself through space and time and choose to exist somewhere. Those things which limit us are our own creations.
That morning I chose to exist in Cole's bed. We slept for about an hour more before Cole stirred and turned over to me. The movement caused me to open my eyes and found that he was looking at me.
"I'm going to cook breakfast now if you're interested," he stated.
"Sure," I didn't move.
Still naked, Cole moved from the bed over to his closet to put on a new pair of boxers. Of course I couldn't help but notice his butt as he moved across the room. It had a nice form and fit in well with the rest of his backside. Nothing too big. It suited him well. Satisfied with his new attire, he disappeared out into the hallway.
I resigned to lay nude for a short while longer. I simply lay in the bed and thought of things. Why do rules exist? Laws are an understandable construct, but what about other rules pertaining to non-legal matters? The real question was, why do I limit myself? Why was I always so seemingly opposed to almost every action I wanted to take? Sure I was breaking a lot of barriers with Cole, but I really needed to make an effort to remove nearly all of my inhibitions. I didn't have to throw away logic, but I did want to get rid of hesitation.
As I came out of my state of brooding and reflection I decided that I really should make an effort to be less hesitant and act a little more on things. Everyone has that voice that comes from within them during a time of possible action. I came to think of this as my probability response. It's that voice which isn't necessarily in your brain and you can only hear it when presented with an opportunity for action.
I rose from the bed and put on my clothes from last night. Walking out into the hall I could smell that Cole had begun cooking breakfast. Eggs and bacon. He stood there in front of the stove in nothing but his boxers.
"Smells good," I walked over to inspect his cooking.
"Tastes good too," Cole was chewing on some of the strip of bacon he had in his one hand.
Standing closely behind him I could hear myself say touch him. This was my probability response, it knew the best possible action to take. I denied it. Why?
"How do I smell?" Cole asked somewhat sarcastically, I was admittedly close to him.
By now his smell was becoming familiar to me. Summer and the ocean and dirt. This time there wasn't as much of the dirt smell as there was the summer and ocean smells. It has been said that smell and memory are very closely linked, and I believed it. I certainly thought of all three of those things when I smelled Cole.
"Like summer and the ocean and dirt," why not just say it?
This immediately elicited a few laughs from Cole before he turned to face me.
"I have never been told that I smell like summer and the ocean before. Dirt, yes I have smelled like dirt before. But do I really smell like dirt now?" Cole proceeded to sniff his own arm.
"It's not like dirt as in dirty. It's dirt as in the earth kind of dirt. Like in the Twilight Zone," for some reason this conversation amused me.
"Oh, I don't think I've seen whatever episode you might be referencing," he made eye contact with me now.
"The one where this astronaut crash lands on what we are lead to believe is an alien planet. He meets this woman who is scrounging around for food or something. They chat and he learns her name is Eve and she calls the dirt Earth. Spoiler alert, his name is Adam," I was a fan of the show.
"Okay," and then he kissed me, he tasted like bacon.
After our kiss broke I excused myself to use the bathroom. I took care of what alcohol was left in me from the night prior and arranged my hair a bit more neatly. Satisfied with my appearance, I headed back into the kitchen to find breakfast was ready and Cole had donned his glasses. I sat down in front of a plate of eggs and bacon. There was also a mug of black coffee set out.
"Thanks," I said as I took my seat.
"Sure thing," Cole started eating with his usual enthusiasm.
"So, we're a thing now," I broached the topic and my breakfast.
I had to categorize everything. If my thoughts were somehow manifested they would probably take the form of a self-storage facility. Within each unit would be stacks of filing cabinets. However there might be a few units whose contents would be beyond any form of comprehension.
"I think so. But it all depends on you really. I don't want to play secret keeper," Cole looked up from his breakfast, I sipped my coffee.
"I don't even know that I can say I'm gay. I will admit to being bi, sure. Yes, I prefer one particular guy right now, but do I prefer guys always? I can't be sure," I tried to convey my situation to him.
"Hey, I'm not trying to force anything here," Cole seemed a little upset.
"I know, I'm the stupid one. But how do I get you to stick around?" I didn't want to end this, not yet.
"I'm not going to ask you to make flyers, but maybe tell your roommates and parents that you have a boyfriend now," he said it as if it were so easy.
Parents, that's something I have right? Sure I had parents, but how often did I really let them in on what I was doing? I could appease them and interact with them and exist with them, but I don't know if they ever truly understood me. My generation was one they were rather unfamiliar with and I had to handle almost everything on my own.
"Fine, it does seem only fair," his logic registered as sound with me.
"Good, I was thinking of coming over to your apartment tomorrow. Only fair that I get to meet your roommates and creep in your things while you shower," he smiled before resuming eating.
"Funny. You can come over if you want to," I wasn't opposed to a visit.
"I'm coming over as your boyfriend," Cole made it clear that this would be a test to see if I would uphold my end of the deal.
Clearly he already started formulating an understanding of how I worked. He knew that simply demanding something would not be enough. Being so removed in my nature I found it easy to read others and deliver whatever response it might have been they desired most. It was like in basketball; pivot on one foot, deflect your defender, and then shoot.
Our breakfast was generally uneventful. I resigned myself to the fact that Cole had a larger appetite than myself and that there was not a state that I knew of where he didn't look cute. He could pull off rugged with glasses clad only in boxers after eating breakfast. At this point I knew that I had to deliver on Cole's demand and was ready to head for home. I returned to his room to put my shoes back on and be on my way.
"When did you want to come over tomorrow? I have class until 1:30 on Monday," I tied up my laces and stood to face Cole as he rummaged through his closet.
"Let's say 4:00. It's only fair that you'll make me dinner since I made you breakfast," Cole turned to face me, still in only his boxers.
"You derive satisfaction from twisting words," I moved a little closer to him in an almost accusatorial manner.
"You like acting like a robot, we're both a little fucked up," Cole laughed and gave me a kiss.
"See you tomorrow," I was on my way out.
The walk home was rather uneventful. It hadn't fully registered with me yet that I had to admit I was involved with another guy to my roommates. On my way home I decided that I would be getting that haircut as soon as I got back and got my headphones. Inside, the apartment was still quiet, after all it was only 10:45 on a Sunday. I retrieved my headphones from my dresser and contemplated grabbing an umbrella as it was a little cloudy. I decided against it and left.
My musical taste for today changed to a desire to listen to Beck's Odelay. For some reason the album both relaxed me and spoke to me. Of course I had to listen to Devil's Haircut as well, it was only fair.
The barbershop was expectedly empty. They had just opened and it was a Sunday in a mostly college town. I decided I would follow Cole's half-hearted advice and buzz my hair. Being the hair enthusiast that I was, I had a pretty good feel for how short was short. A number 2 would suit me just fine but I wanted to really be saying something, so I requested a number 1. My hair would stand at 1/8th of an inch on the top when all was said and done and likely even shorter on the sides. I sat and enjoyed the cathartic experience unfold before me. Each time I had my hair cut it was like a small transformation. Gone was the hesitant and rejecting Lucas with the not-quite-perfect haircut and appearing before my eyes was the new Lucas with a rebellious haircut. I could not identify this new Lucas yet as I had just become him. An act as simple as a haircut could take on such a grander meaning for the right person.
Actions cannot truly be classified by any one person. For me a haircut was more than just that. It was the emergence of my new self. Perhaps for someone else buying a new tie was opportunity. A kiss for one person could be extremely different for someone else. These actions were all different manifestations of individual thoughts being fulfilled in our physical capacity. Almost as if we could see our thoughts exist.
Satisfied with my hair, I started my walk home. Rubbing my head gave me a really interesting sensation and my headphones sat much closer to my skin. As I walked home I was suddenly caught up in a classic case of cosmic irony. It was starting to rain, and I was caught without my umbrella. My headphones were also in jeopardy and, being a self-proclaimed music enthusiast and audiophile, I had invested a good deal of money into my equipment. I waited to see if the rain would subside but it only began to increase in fervor.
"Fucking seriously," I talked to myself when driven to extreme levels of discomfort, anger, or depression.
My solution was to quickly unplug my headphones, remove my shirt, and wrap the headphones within. This method should buy me enough time to make it home safely. As my proximity to the apartment increased, so did the intensity of the rain.
"Well this is some fucking classic scene right here," I was perturbed.
When I did finally reach the apartment the rain had stopped. I laughed at the sheer stupidity of the situation. My upper body was thoroughly wet and I was still cradling my headphone bundle to my body. The water which drenched me had also purified me in an attempt to wash away my old self. I could laugh at my misfortune and the randomness inherent in all life. It was almost baptismal.
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