Don't read this if you're not into guys unless you just understand how one person can touch your life and transform it. It is totally not like my usual stories in the Authoritarian section. But even a dom can write something a little different once in a while.
My life is full of pain. It has also been full of joy. The joy is brief, intense fireworks that burst gloriously in the surrounding darkness, taking me out of myself. There are the rich reds of lust for hot men who are old enough to know what they want and go after it; the bright greens of connection to the living world of trees, and flowers, and grasses; the warm yellows of connection to family and friends.
Mostly the world is dim, often dark if you look at it too closely, which is a good reason not to.
I suppose you could say that if the world weren't so dark, the fireworks wouldn't seem so bright. And they can be glorious. Incredibly hot sex with someone who is going all out to please you--the incredible sensations on your cock from his hot, wet mouth. Maybe that mouth goes other places; maybe your cock goes other places.
Sitting under a porch overhang while the lightning strikes, the thunder cracks, the wind whistles through the pine needles, the deciduous trees swaying in the gale as their bigger leaves are pushed by the swirling gusts of wind, sometimes so strong as to push the rain sideways.
Talking with a friend, maybe just over the internet, getting to know someone so different from you. A different race, a different country, a different perspective on life. At first it's just visiting. You talk about sex. He read your stories on Nifty and found them hot. Eventually you talk about your lives, very different, yet each of you for all his apparent success isolated in the darkness that others don't see. They see only the fireworks as they look up. They don't look around and see the darkness out of which those glorious colors come. They don't see the darker streaks in those rich yellows, the heart of dark loneliness beneath the fire.
But one does. He becomes . . . a friend. He helps you through some really tough times. Just by being himself, by reaching out to you, by sharing himself with you, he becomes a part of you almost without your realizing it. It's not about sex any more, at least for you. It's about a friend who has opened himself to you, as you've opened parts of yourself to him that no-one else has ever seen. And he values you as a person. He's warm, funny, silly, serious, humane. He's kind to animals. He goes out of his way to help others at christmas.
And then he's gone. And there's a big hole in your heart without his constant chatter, his many exclamation marks after your name when he sees you come online. He has helped you in many ways. You hope you have helped him. And then he's gone. The night is darker. And as usual, no-one but you even notices that. The other yellows are dimmer now that his is gone.
And yet he's given you a precious gift. You believe in yourself a little bit more than you did before. That this one guy can know stuff about you that no-one else did and still think you were worthy of affection and esteem has slowly begun to fill in the cracks in the foundation of your self that have been there for years, growing ever wider even as the edifice on top, with all its towers, its well-furnished rooms, has seemed so impressive but has actually been ever more likely to fall. And no-one really knew that but you. And this guy knew a little bit, too, and his support helped mortar a few of those foundation stones a little more solidly than they'd been.
There is an ache in your heart now. You've felt the ache before, of course. This ache is an emptiness, but even with the emptiness, his gift to you of partial healing has remained. You realize how much you will miss him. You've both been really busy recently and haven't gotten to visit as much as either one of you would have liked. And now it's too late. And yet, you are a better person because you've known him.
He is an amazing human being, insecure like so many of us, but much more wonderful a person than he probably knows. I hope, wherever he is now, he realizes what a gift he has given me. I am still flawed, scared, living in the darkness, but I'm slightly more at peace with it.
Maybe someday the sky will light up again.