My Unfortunate Soulmate

My Unfortunate Soulamte Chapter 6

I appreciate you continuing to read the story. This is a good-sized chapter, but if you need to break it up, there are three arcs: The New Year before school, the return to campus through "the date," and the final passages involving Geoff.

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As a reminder, the previous chapter was Aiden's life in December and through the holidays.

6 – January

Corey

It was almost a hypnotic trance. I stared out the glass patio door into the backyard looking at nothing in particular. My forehead rested on the glass confirming it was very cold outside even though the house felt warm.

I felt two arms wrap around me from behind. It could have been Dad, but right away I knew it was Laramie. His embrace, his own scent near my head — I knew him.

"A penny for your thoughts."

"I'm not sure I have any," I replied.

"Hmm. You looked deep in thought to me."

"Why isn't it snowing? I only have a week left before heading back to school. I was ... kind of hoping we could go sledding."

"Still? I figured you had grown out of that."

"It's nothing I'd do on my own, but ... remember that first time with you and Dad?"

"And your mother? I remember it well. Cooper and I were just starting out then."

"It was fun."

"It was," Laramie agreed. "I remember it fondly."

"I just felt like doing it."

"Your mother would never agree to it, I'm sure."

"Just us and Aiden would be fun." I looked at the backyard again. "See the shadow of the tree?"

"Yeah. I guess. It's nice that it has grown tall enough to cast a shadow."

"Wouldn't it look nice, with blue sky and a dark shadow on a blanket of snow."

"I suppose it would."

"It would make a great painting."

"And how would you hang it ... with the shadow growing like a tree?"

"No. Just how we see it here, with it stretching across the backyard. Grrrr. Why won't it snow?"

"There's a chance Tuesday."

"I don't think it is supposed to amount to much."

"If it does, I'll be happy to go sledding with you," Laramie said, kissing me on the neck.

"Thanks, Dad."

"So, are you making any New Year's resolutions?" Laramie asked.

I sighed. "Maybe," I muttered.

After the silence, Laramie softly asked, "Nothing you care to share, I assume?"

"It's not easy."

"Okay." He paused. "Just know I am always here for you, Cor'."

I turned within his arms and hugged him facing his direction. "You always have been."

He squeezed me. "Even though you are a grown man, you're never too old for a belly talk."

I chuckled into his shoulder. We held each other tighter.

"What's Dad doing?" I asked.

"Working in his office."

I removed myself from Laramie's arms. My eyes and head motioned to my upstairs room. He nodded.

A minute later we were lying on my bed side-to-side.

"I remember our talks back when you just entered high school," he said.

"Me too." I recalled Laramie being so much easier to talk to than Dad. Or either of my parents. They seemed like they would be all judgmental, but he wasn't. I realized now that I wasn't being fair with Mom and Dad. They would have been supportive.

But not this. I could never talk about this.

"You okay?"

"I guess. I don't know. I want to be better this year, but ..."

"Anything wrong?"

"With me? I'm always a mess."

"Oh, come on. You're the greatest kid I've ever met."

"Because you don't know any."

"Talk to me."

"I'm – I'm hoping I will just get over some stuff this year."

"Stuff?" he asked.

I sighed. "Sex kind of stuff."

"Ohhhh." His head turned toward me. "Have you ... done anything?"

"Patty and I are both virgins. I hate being a virgin, but at the same time, I don't want to rush into anything just to ... do it. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense. Kids have so much pressure. Even adults do. It seems like TV and movies just show you people jumping into bed after they just met. Like that is what's expected."

"Yeah."

"Do things on your own time, Cor'. If it isn't feeling right, then hold off until it does. There is no schedule."

"How did you know when you were ready?"

"Ugh! Don't look to me for being a good example. First off, don't forget I'm gay."

I laughed.

"Not that being gay gives me special privileges," he continued. "Growing up, boys sometimes masturbate together ... or explore. I believe you have mentioned that you and Aiden did that in high school."

"Yeah." I didn't feel compelled to tell him we still do it from time to time.

"Exploring with my high school friend made it easier ... for me to get started, I suppose. I didn't do serious stuff until I fell in love with Freddie in college." Laramie paused. "So ... are you thinking about going all the way with Patty?"

"We push it so far and then we stop. Part of me thinks Mom is in my head."

"I'm sure she would be delighted to know that."

I laughed again.

"We touch. We feel ... parts ... as we make out. I – I – I want to do it, but I feel like I should be in love when I do it."

"I think that's a nice sentiment. Does she feel the same way?"

"I think. I just want to have my head on straight this year. I want to find that defining moment when I know it's right. That's kind of my resolution. To find that. And, well, to get over ..."

"Over?"

I sighed. I could not believe I was about to say this, but Laramie was second only to Aiden in making me open up. "My dick."

"Huh?"

"I just want it to be good enough." I could tell Laramie wasn't understanding. "I'm not big."

"Oh." Laramie's hand gripped my wrist. "You have your father's dick."

I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen my father's penis. Ew. Back in grade school I did. Maybe when staying at a hotel later than that? It didn't occur to me then that men's penises weren't all the same.

"I just want it to be good enough."

"I have zero issues with your father's ... anatomy. You're fine. Don't let size be a hangup."

"Well, it is. It caused a big rift between Aiden and me."

"But you're best friends."

"Yeah. He tells me not to be concerned about it, and then he made a jab at someone who was bullying him, and I was close by and..." I shut my eyes remembering that whole scene unfold. "And ... I took his short-dick comment to heart. We weren't good for a while."

"OOOOOOHHH!" Laramie groaned. He rolled over and buried his face in the pillow. I could tell it was not about my situation. Something had been triggered.

"What? What did I say?"

"No."

I nudged his shoulder. "What?"

"I – I – I ... no."

"Hmm. Sounds like you need to be on my belly."

His face turned to reveal a smile at me.

It took us a moment, but I moved over, and he turned ninety degrees to place his head on my belly. It was a first. I loved it.

"Go on," I said like a counselor.

"It was the most hateful thing I ever did to your father. I – I thought after I said a dick slur to him that we would break up forever. He's such a ..." Laramie stopped. "Cooper is the most amazing man. He easily forgave me. I thought my insult was so harsh, but ... he doesn't hold it against me. Any time I think about saying that to him, I just die inside. I would never hurt him. For anything. I love him so much, and that stupid insult was so ... uncalled for. And it's not like he has any say so in the matter. It's not like dicks are detachable and you can try a new one on. I was an idiot."

"When was this?"

"Years ago. Before we moved in together."

It was quiet a moment.

"And you are okay with Dad having..."

"Absolutely. Corey, a dick is a dick. Even if they are different — because they are — they all do the job, and it is the person they belong to that matters, not a body part. If you and this girl decide to — when you're ready — who you are and how the two of you feel is all that matters."

"Thanks." That made me feel better. For having such a weird conversation, I felt better.

"I just hate that media force these ideas on us. Cooper and I were streaming a series with gay characters a few months ago. Even though it didn't put down small dicks, it intentionally glamorized big ones. Cooper didn't say anything, but I'm sure it bothered him. I'm sure women with small breasts feel the same way, although the movies and television aren't so spiteful with them."

I had never thought of that.

Laramie sighed. "Well, Dr. Corey, is our work done here?"

I laughed. "Thank you for letting me talk."

Laramie sat up. "Thank you for allowing me to listen."

"That's usually Aiden's job."

"You two have a great friendship. I hope you never let each other go."

After a brief hug, we walked downstairs.

—

Tuesday came. I was excited to see flurries fall. When the flakes became thick, I was hopeful. It snowed for about twenty minutes, and then it became small flakes again, a light snowfall. While the ground looked "kind of" white, there clearly wasn't enough to go sledding. The 5 o'clock newscast confirmed that the snow had moved through at that point.

Drat.

"Well, with sledding hopes dashed, do you have any more goals before heading back to school?" Laramie asked over dinner.

"I guess not. It might be nice to write some song lyrics."

"I'm glad you still do that. Do you still carve?"

"Nothing since that present I made for your wedding."

"You're always welcome to come down to the store and work with me in the back."

"I think your customers would prefer skilled craftsmen make their furniture."

"You could work with the tools ... do something creative."

"Hm. A constructed sculpture. Perhaps."

"Maybe you could do something like Nevelson," Laramie said.

"I'm not familiar with him."

"It's a her. Louise Nevelson. She found all sorts of wooden pieces in the streets of New York and assembled them together into one sculpture."

"Hm. I'll have to look online."

I knew I headed back to Mom's house tomorrow to spend the last three days with them before driving back to Notre Dame. Maybe I would just do nothing. Classes would crank up the responsibility, so perhaps being a veg for a few days would be good.

It was my final night with Destiny. I planned on sitting close to the fire with her curled in my lap as much as I could. Her purr was very soothing.

A text came in. It was Sam. "When do you get back?"

"Late Friday. Aiden and I are helping out with a special shift at the CCE on Saturday."

"Cool. I get back Saturday afternoon. Want to grab dinner?"

"Sure. Happy New Year."

I was ready to be back. Home was great, but I missed my college friends. I found it sad that my high school friends had been replaced. Not that I didn't enjoy seeing them. But being around these new friends — living with them — was something different. I was attached to them.

It was funny how I missed the guys more than I did Patty. I was eager to see her again, but ... I missed everyone at Dunne. We had only been on a few dates. I'm sure in the months ahead I would feel the same about her. Would the new year bring us so close that we would sleep together?

—

Dad's goodbye was an Oscar-worthy production of mush. Not that I didn't appreciate the love. Aiden's circumstances made me keenly aware of that. Laramie fought back tears in his goodbye.

"I'm always here if you need a long-distance belly talk," he whispered in my ear.

"I know," I said softly. "I love you."

"Same here, kiddo. We miss you like crazy."

And I was off to Mom's.

—

After a day at Mom's place, I was bored out of my skull. I had slipped into a realm of unproductivity; I was surprised I hadn't developed a cocoon of laziness. Thankfully, they were pleased for me to make dinner. It got me off the couch and to the grocery store, not to mention into the kitchen while they finished their jobs. I had an Asian chopped salad waiting in the fridge when they returned home.

Within an hour we were cleaning dishes from my chicken stir fry. Daryl really complimented me on the meal and commented on how nice it would be for me to be there to handle such tasks more often. He made sure that I knew it was out of appreciation and not expectation. Mom enjoyed it as well, but she slipped away once the plates were loaded in the dishwasher.

As Daryl and I were watching Wheel of Fortune, I realized that she was not with us. I wandered back to the guest room, which also served as her sewing room.

"What are you doing, Mom?"

"Oh, I'm just working on this quilt."

"Quilt?"

"Yes, your wedding quilt."

"Good heavens, Mother! Patty and I have only been on a few dates. Please don't marry us off yet!"

"Calm down. I started this last spring. Just after Mother's Day. When visiting my mother, we spoke of learning to quilt from my grandmother, your great-grandmother. When my mother said her mother made all of her children a wedding quilt, it ... ignited a spark, I suppose. I hadn't quilted anything in years. Not since you were a baby anyways. A baby blanket was the last thing I made. I suppose I was inspired then. But I just let it languish back here. Perhaps the New Year has prompted me to finish it."

"Oh."

I had never pictured myself married. For a moment, that seemed so much easier than having sex for the first time. Or would it be one and the same?

"I'll be out shortly. Go back to Daryl."

"Okay."

Back on the couch, Daryl asked what she was doing.

"Marrying me off," I said, blankly.

"What?"

"A quilt."

"Oh. That thing."

"It might sit there a long time."

"I'm sure she will be fine with that. More than anything, she will want to make sure you have met the right one."

"Huh! Like I can figure that out."

"Hey, Corey, you're only 19. You aren't supposed to have the world figured out yet. Trust me, in my late forties, I still don't."

I chuckled. "You knew you wanted to marry Mom though."

"I did. But for a while, I was afraid to ..."

"To...?"

"To live in your father's shadow. He's a hard act to follow."

"Dad? A gay alcoholic?"

"Corey! Shame on you."

"Eh, I didn't mean it that way. I love Dad. He's great. But ... you didn't need to worry about following all that."

"The man looks like a magazine model. You will grow up that way too. You have beautiful parents."

"It's funny how I'm less interested in looks and more interested in how much I enjoy being with someone. All my high school girlfriends all started out as friends."

"Smart. Looks are nice, but who the person is and how they make you feel is the most important thing."

I stopped talking. How did Patty make me feel? She was easy to talk to. We had so much in common. So much so that I wondered if she was struggling with the sex thing too. Was she hoping I would move us in that direction? Or was she wondering if the time was right? I still couldn't picture myself naked with her, but I frequently thought about us touching each other.

My mind flipped to being with Aiden over a week ago. I was astounded I asked him to do what we did. Rubbing my dick into his body ... the gall of me to ask my best friend to let me do that. But I could see me doing that with Patty, but just not naked. That didn't even make sense! I wanted the two of us to have pleasure, but just not go all the way.

I was a mental case.

And I sure wasn't fair to Aiden. But dang, we were so comfortable together.

—

Mom had waffles ready the next morning. Strawberries and whipped cream almost made them a dessert.

"You don't leave until tomorrow afternoon. You still have time to get a haircut before you go back," Mom said.

Grrrr.

"Well, if I move quickly, maybe I can leave for school in twenty minutes."

"Okay. Okay. I'll leave it alone."

"Thank you."

"It's just that you haven't cut your hair since your father's wedding, and-"

"Drop it."

"Fine."

I could tell she sighed even if I didn't hear it. I wanted my hair long again.

Daryl just smirked in amusement as he sipped his coffee.

As they went to work, I stared at my keyboard. I knew I didn't want to play anything, so I put it in its case and loaded it into the car. I planned to carry my clothes out tomorrow morning. All my shorts were left behind this time. I replaced them with a few more sweaters. I had received a new one for Christmas, which I liked.

I had a small box of kitchen gadgets to take. I was probably the only guy on campus that wanted a few things like that to take with me. But the Dunne kitchen area didn't always have exactly what I needed. I couldn't wait to make dinner for the guys again.

"Are you ready to get back?" I asked Aiden over the phone before Mom and Daryl got home.

"Yeah, I guess. I spent the day with Scott today. It was nice to catch up."

"Cool. I still remember you two at prom. You were very brave."

"That seems ages ago. I'm glad I came off as brave. Had everyone made fun of us, I'm not sure if I would have been so confident."

"You're a pillar of strength."

"I had you behind me. When I kissed Scott on the dance floor, you helped turn it around."

He was right. People were staring at them in high school. When I started clapping, others put their phones down and clapped too.

"My gesture was simple. So, any sparks reignite?"

"No. He's got a boyfriend back at school. I'm happy for him," Aiden said flatly.

"You don't sound that happy."

He was quiet. After a moment, he said, "I am. Really. He's got someone, but ... I don't really. I guess it makes me sad ... or disappointed."

"You've seen Brady lately."

"He seems to have hooked up with a high school crush."

"Oh."

"I'm fine. Really."

"It's a new year. A fresh semester. A fresh start. Some guy will find you completely awesome."

He blustered out a grunt. "Yeah, right."

"I'll see you back on campus tomorrow night."

For my final evening, my family went out to dinner and watched a movie in the living room. It was simple. It was homey. It was the last bit of Jackson Bend I needed to admit I wanted to be back at college.

In bed, I stared at the ceiling watching fleeting shadows drive across the darkness as car lights rounded the corner of our street. I wasn't sleepy.

I knew it was the last night of privacy I would have, not to mention my queen-size bed. Not that privacy was a huge issue for me. For us. Most guys on campus were probably in more limited situations. Aiden and I were able to jack off if we felt we needed it. I wondered about the mathematical percentage of other roommates who had become comfortable doing that. I would occasionally here people — classmates, doctors on talk shows, characters in movies — talk about young men masturbating together. I never knew if it was true or not.

But Aiden and I did.

Those random comments I heard at least made me feel like it was natural. Normal.

Holding him a couple of weeks ago while we masturbated felt good. Was that normal? Was that weird? It wasn't romantic to me. It was just physical. Was it romantic to him? By rubbing my body into his ... had I gone too far?

It was mean.

I would never do it again.

I would never rub my body against anyone else — until she was ready.

My dick was hard.
My dick was wanting to rub against someone.
My dick needed to rub against someone.

I slipped off my underwear and stroked my cock a few times. Then I rolled over onto my stomach. I rubbed my erection into the bed.

Thrusting. Hard. Pushing. Rubbing. Patty. Naked. Flesh. Rubbing. Aiden. Dicks. Thrusting. Hard. Hot. Pushing. Cocks.

It felt good. So good. I hurriedly pulled my T-shirt off. I had nothing on. I slid it below me.

Thrusting. Pushing. Rubbing. Dicks. Cocks.

I groaned loud enough for only me to hear. I panted as I ground my hard rod into my shirt and sheets and bed. My arms clutched my pillow like it was a partner, while I continued to thrust.

Thrusting. Rubbing. Groaning. Writhing. Pushing. Building. Rising. Rubbing. Rubbing. Rubbing.

Coming.

Groaning. Coming. Panting. Coming. Pushing. Coming. Rubbing. Coming.

Breathing.

But not fucking.

I rolled onto my back and grabbed the shirt to pull it from below me. I couldn't see the stripes and spots of cum, but I knew they were there. I found a dry portion and wiped smeared liquid from my crotch.

"Man."

That felt good.

I pictured rubbing my body on Patty's body. Would she be turned on? Would she be appalled? Would she wonder why we weren't actually fucking?

I held my dick and gently stroked its fading firmness. My mind spiraled.

Rubbing. Pushing. Thrusting. Inside her. Coming. Inside her.

It all made me want to masturbate all over again.

Until.

Pregnancy. Love. Marriage. Virginity. Quilts. Pregnancy. Protection. Size. Mom. Marriage.

My dick retreated. There was no erection left. As if someone had lit a package of fireworks still tied together, thoughts exploded in my head — in a negative way. My brain shut the moment down.

—

"I'm about thirty minutes into the drive. Have you left yet?"

"Saying goodbye to my parents now. How did it go with your mother?" Aiden asked.

"Fine. She was easier than Dad. No tears, but a thousand hugs and `miss you' and `be careful' and all that pointlessness."

"She loves you."

"I know."

"I'll call you when I get bored in my drive."

An hour later, Aiden called.

"Bored already?" I answered the call.

"Yeah."

"So how did your farewell go?"

"You know, Corey. It was kind of nice. My father said he loved me. And I..."

"Wow. Good for him."

"Yeah. Both of them said I was a fine young man."

"Cool."

"Yeah. I think these holidays were good. You know, for us."

"I'm glad, Aiden."

"I feel so different than when we went off to college last summer."

"How so?" I asked.

"I think back then I was just ready to escape, to be on my own. Now, I want to ... does this sound stupid? I just want to be the ... best ... me."

"Not stupid. You're becoming a man."

"I'm still waiting for that beam of light to indicate I'm an adult."

"Maybe at 22 when we graduate. We're in training right now."

"That's one way to look at it."

"I'm far enough into it that I just don't want to fuck it up."

"You won't. Don't cuss. Bye."

We called each other four more times on the drive.

—

Less than half of Dunne Hall was back. Our Saturday shift at the CCE was thoroughly appreciated. The shower room was empty except for the two of us. Afternoons typically were anyway.

It was a new year. I was determined to accept the things I couldn't change. I wasn't going to turn my body away this year. My dick was what I was born with, and I was going to accept that and not be self-conscious about it.

Easier said than done. Aiden was the only other one showering. I didn't hide anything from him.

Before meeting for dinner, Aiden gave Sam a ring. Within minutes, we welcomed him with a huge hug.

"I missed you two," he said.

"Same here," I replied. "Family was great. It was nice to be home. But ... I'm ready for all of ... us ... to be together again."

"Did you hear from anyone over the break?" Aiden asked Sam.

"A few people. You guys, of course. My roommate called once. Steve. Emanuel..."

"I heard from Manny too," Aiden said. "Did ... did you hear from Geoff?"

"No. Neither him nor Ace, but ... Ace doesn't surprise me." Sam turned to me. "Did you talk to Patty much?"

"A couple times. We're still new; we didn't have a lot to talk about."

"Think you'll go out this next week?"

"I suppose. I look forward to seeing her again. She gets back tomorrow. I'll call her once she's back on campus."

And I was going to. I thought it odd that as much as I liked her, I was more excited to see the guys. But then again, it wasn't like the two of us were in love. We had simply dated.

Forty minutes later, an extra-large pepperoni and sausage pizza was placed between the three of us.

Sam told us about his Christmas. He and his mother had traveled to relatives. Sam apparently had numerous cousins.

"That really sounds nice," Aiden said.

"Mmm. Sure. When I left last summer, I didn't think I would miss Mom that much. It is nice now when we get together. That old saying, `Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is kind of true."

"Maybe at times. Do you think parents look forward to us all leaving?" I asked.

"To a degree," said Sam. "I was sort of a prick in high school." Aiden and I nodded in agreement. "Isn't there something called Empty Nest Syndrome? At the same time, I'm sure it is hard on parents when their kids leave."

"I'm sure my parents aren't that torn up," Aiden mumbled.

"In four years, I'll be in a place of my own," Sam said, as if to make a point. "Who knows what city I may live in?"

"I have no idea where I would want to live," Aiden said. "I just know it won't be close to my parents."

"You had a nice time with them at Christmas," I said.

"Yeah. I did. But ... I won't need to live close. I want to live far enough away that I feel there is a distance, but if I want to go home, it is only about an hour or two."

Both Sam and I echoed his distance measuring sounded like a good range.

"Off chance, did you see anyone from your high school?" Sam asked, before snapping off the point of his second slice with his teeth.

"We actually did," I said. "Someone had a party."

"Was it weird?"

"Weird how?" Aiden asked.

"Well, I was such good friends with them last year, and this year, I called two of them, and I ... struggled to find something to talk about. Now that we are away, we don't have the same things in common anymore."

"That will probably be the same way our whole lives — moving to different towns, different jobs," I said.

"One of my friends from back home is about to become a father."

"Whoa. Nineteen is young," Aiden said. "His life will never be the same."

"Yeeeaaaahhh," Sam said. "I mean, he's a good guy. Not smart enough to use protection, clearly. But he will be responsible in bringing a kid up. I know he won't be a deadbeat dad."

"Are they married?" I felt inclined to ask.

"Spring break. I am to be a part of the wedding party." Sam looked into the blank space of the center of the restaurant, shoving more cheesy deliciousness in his mouth, lost in thought. "The baby comes three months afterward."

"I can't imagine," I said.

It's not like I would never have kids. All grownups think of having kids, right? That just seemed so, so far into the future. I couldn't remotely picture having a kid in just months. A terrifying chill ran through me for a second.

"Nothing I have to worry about," Aiden said, his mouth full of pizza.

Sam laughed. But I didn't. He was absolutely right, but three, five, ten years from now, would he feel left out if he didn't have a child?

We began discussing classes. As all of us had to take the second semester of the Moreau First Year Experience, we were hoping to be in the same session. No one in our circle of friends had classes with each other the first semester. Having a meeting of the minds before fall ended, we hoped to rectify that in this next semester. With different majors, it was just the theology and minimal required classes that worked out.

Before turning in for the night, Aiden and I hugged, but since coming back, we hadn't kissed or jacked off or done anything. Just a simple hug before bed. Maybe things had changed. I had been so weird with what we did at the end of the year. He probably felt I needed too much. After all, I was straight, but I felt comfortable enough with my best friend that I could do anything I was wondering about.

Maybe it was a new year, new mindset.
Maybe I had expected too much from him.
Maybe we were too close.
Maybe we were now too old to "experiment" with each other.
Maybe.

It had only been two nights. Not having an orgasm for a few days was not a big deal.

Until I thought about it.

I wanted to get off.

I gently fondled myself in the darkness, but I wasn't going to get carried away.

Aiden fell asleep quickly. He had failed to turn off the lighting behind his name art completely. There was just a hint of purple glow to our room.

I reached for my cum towel I had tucked between the bed and the wall. I pulled my underwear down and placed the towel below me. Turning over, I could grind my dick — my hard dick — into it. Lately, it seemed like rubbing and thrusting my dick into the bed (or Aiden) was more pleasurable than stroking it. I glanced his way. He still seemed to be asleep. Slowly, gently, I pushed my crotch into my bed. Thrusting. Slowly.

It felt good.

I looked. Aiden was asleep.

I raised up onto my elbows. I pushed harder. I thrust harder. I rubbed harder. My silent moans were more exhaled breaths than audible volume.

I looked. Aiden was asleep.

My dick ... rubbing, grinding, thrusting into my bed ... it was good. I panted as quietly as I could.

I knew I needed to be done quickly. I thrust harder. I started thinking of having sex with Patty. Pushing into her. Rubbing my dick inside her. It was wrong. It was sinful. But I felt it. I pictured my dick moving in and out of her body. My hard-on felt so good being pushed into the bed.

I looked. Aiden was asleep.

I pushed faster. Thrusting. Rubbing. I pictured me slamming my cock into her. I was there. Grinding my cock, I could feel my orgasm rise.

"Yeah," I panted.

And I came. My dick pulsed cum into the towel as I pushed harder. My head tilted back, craned toward the ceiling. Cum continued to spray on the towel. I silently panted and huffed.

Breathing heavily, I finally finished. I rested my forehead to my pillow. I didn't lower my body into my cum until I was able to remove the towel.

With a final gasp, I turned to look at Aiden. He was smiling at me. He winked and rolled over to face the wall, allowing me to clean myself up in private.

He didn't do anything with his own body. By the time I wiped my penis and pulled my underwear back up, I could hear him slightly wheeze. He was asleep again.

—

Everyone was back. Dunne Hall seemed complete; it seemed like home.

Sunday night. It was taco night. Sam was in our room waiting for Geoff and Ace to return. Geoff arrived first. The three of us gave him a hug. Geoff's body language was off. His hug conveyed he missed us very much, but his smile almost seemed forced. It was telling a different story.

"We didn't hear from you," I said. "Was your Christmas good?"

"Yeah. I guess. My older sister was home for three days. Relatives, gifts, family ... that whole thing. It was nice, I guess." Geoff paused. "And I – I – I saw some friends from high school."

"Nice," Aiden said. "Us too."

Emanuel texted. I invited him to join us. Within minutes, he was in our room.

"Manny!" Sam greeted him.

"Jicama!" Aiden said.

"Oh, Jesus. Are we really doing nicknames."

"Said with complete love," Aiden said.

I knew Emanuel hated the nickname Jicama from his family, but there were hints of a smile that made me believe that having any nickname among college friends was an enviable accomplishment to him.

Emanuel looked like he had lost weight.

"You look good. Were you ... were you trying to ..." How to word it? "... drop some pounds over the break?"

"You can tell?"

"Uh huh," Sam and Aiden agreed. Geoff was quiet.

"Well, it's hard when you are with your mom ... MY mother. And grandmother. They love to shovel food at me." He paused. "I – I just thought I'd ... maybe ... you know ... fit in better in college if I was thinner."

"You fit in fine," Geoff said, with his head looking at the floor.

"Well, I'm the biggest one of all my friends, so ..." Emanuel pulled his shoulders back and stood tall. "So, I just tried to eat smaller portions and I didn't have any fast food over the break. None. I took walks — not that was going to work off a lot."

"All exercise helps," Ace said entering the room and hearing Emanuel's last sentence.

"Ace!" everyone yelled.

Ace wasn't a hugger. He fist-bumped everyone. "Ya look good," he said to Emanuel when he got to him.

Emanuel kind of blushed. "Thanks. We don't have scales out at home, but I pulled them out every morning in the bathroom. After Christmas. I wasn't going to deprive myself of pie."

We chuckled.

"But I can tell you ... actually seeing real results is a motivator. I ate more vegetables at dinner and avoided the carbs. New Year's Day came and I felt ... determined. I mean, it's only eleven pounds."

"But in four weeks! Over the holidays; that's impressive!" Aiden said.

"Proud o' ya," Ace said, ruffling Emanuel's hair.

Geoff looked down and turned away from us. Something was wrong. I looked at Aiden. He sensed it too.

Admitting we were all hungry, we headed downstairs. I put my hand on Geoff's shoulder on the staircase and held him back a few steps.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Sure." He paused. "I dunno."

"Want to talk?"

"No." He started walking again. "I'll be fine," he said unconvincingly.

We sat down with our dinner. Ace had ordered five tacos, Aiden had a quesadilla, Sam had two tacos and a burrito. I had two soft tacos and two crunchy tacos. Emanuel sat down with a bowl of tortilla soup. He felt eyes on him. He looked at all of us staring.

"What?"

"You're the man," Ace said.

Emanuel blushed again.

I had never been concerned about weight. I didn't indulge in high-calorie things regularly, but I didn't deprive myself of pizza and burgers either. Laramie told me my metabolism would change one day. "It totally sucks" were his exact words. Perhaps Emanuel's goal could motivate me to join him on walks.

"How many people were at your Christmas gathering, Manny?" Aiden asked.

"Lots. Let me see ..." His eyes looked up at the ceiling as he mentally counted relatives. "Probably not all at the same time, but I'd say ... close to thirty were in our house."

"Thirty?" the table echoed in chorus.

"Everyone comes to us. Both sets of grandparents. Uncles and aunts, cousins."

"Wow. I can't imagine," Aiden said softly.

"How do you feed that many people??" Sam asked.

"Ah, the women all get together in the kitchen practically all day."

"That's a lot of work," Sam said.

"It is. But ... by the looks of them, they enjoy doing it. Family ... being together ... making others happy ... I think it's in their blood."

"Nice," I said.

Emanuel looked at Aiden and me. "I suppose you two saw each other over the break."

"Yeah. It was great," I said.

"Did you two get engaged?" Ace asked.

"We are NOT a couple," Aiden insisted immediately.

"He's seeing Patty, and I'm ... well, I'm not sure."

"What does that mean?" Sam asked.

"Well, Brady and I sort of dated ... a little bit beforehand and-"

"What's sort of dating?" Emanuel asked.

"Simple dates. Nothing serious."

"Did you sleep with each other?" Geoff softly asked.

"Sleep? Not exactly sleep, but ... a blowjob was involved and ... and can we not talk about this, please?"

Helping my best friend, I changed the subject. "Should we do a dinner Thursday night?"

Everyone instantly interjected affirmative statements.

"Aiden, see if Josh and Brady would like to do it again."

"Are you going to bring this Patty?" Sam asked.

"I guess I can ask her. Sure. I'd like her to meet you all."

"Steve has been begging too," Sam said.

"Okay," I agreed. "We'll have to think bigger when it comes to food. Now I'm feeling challenged.

"How come ya never ask if your roommate can come, Sam?" Ace asked.

"Ramiro?" Sam bobbed his head indecisively from side to side. "We don't do a lot together. He's ... nice. His courses are ministry studies. We don't really ... click. But he's nice. Likable. We just don't socialize. We're roommates more than friends."

"Ah."

"Can I ask Forrest?" Aiden softly asked.

The group groaned.

"Slater!?"

"I know you are trying to be nice to him and forgive him and all," I started, "But he's a jerk."

"A dick."

"A pussy."

"An asshole."

"el cabr"n"

"Okay." Aiden said.

I immediately felt horrible. I never thought of our group as judgmental, but we didn't seem very nice. It's just a shame that Slater had such a reputation for being a jerk — one that he earned.

The rest of the meal centered around which classes each of us had with another. Not a lot, but there was some nice overlap that we were looking forward to.

Back in the room, Aiden asked, "Do you think something is wrong with Geoff?"

I noticed he asked softly enough to not be heard through the walls.

"Yeah, I asked if he was all right and-"

"Me too."

"He said he was fine, but I wasn't sure if he meant it."

"Yeah. Kind of worries me."

We reclined on our beds and pulled out our phones. I started texting people about Thursday's dinner. Patty accepted. She was arriving back tomorrow morning. I set up a date for Tuesday night.

Aiden stood. "I'm going to go out for ... a bit."

"Uh. Okay." His comment seemed noticeably devoid of details. "Where are you headed?"

"I'm just ... meeting ... Forrest."

"Ah. Okay. Um. Have a good time."

When he closed the door, I felt like garbage. Our comments at dinner treated Slater like he was less than a person. It was almost as if Aiden had to hide even being with Slater. I hated feeling bad about myself, but at that moment, I thought I was the bigger jerk. Which was odd because I hadn't done anything at all but express my opinion that we do not invite him.

Crap.

—

Monday. MLK Day. Every single student was back on campus. Chinese cuisine was in the dining hall.

Geoff decided not to join us. Ace, Aiden and I sat at a table.

A few minutes into our meal, Slater walked near us. I knew Aiden would want him to join us, but I knew my roommate well enough to know he wouldn't want to "inflict" a person no one liked onto the group.

"Slater? Want to join us?" I offered.

Ace gave me a look that would have incinerated asbestos. A kick to my shins indicated my estimation was correct.

"Okay. Thank you."

Slater sat his meal down and slowly pulled out a chair.

He was quiet at first. He didn't say a lot, but then again, neither did we.

"Everybody have a good Christmas?" he finally asked in the softest of voices.

Aiden had visited with him the night before, so Ace and I gave simple summarizations of highlights from our holidays.

"Was yours good?" I asked, to be polite.

"It was okay, I guess. It was a break from studying, right?"

"Amen to that," Ace replied. It was the nicest thing Ace said to Slater for the whole meal.

"Is your family big?"

"Two brothers. Both older. One younger sister."

"Aiden and I are only children. It must be nice to have brothers and sisters."

"I'm not sure about that." The comment was made with no details. It just hovered there.

"Did anything bad happen?" Aiden asked.

"No. It's what I told you last night ..." Slater turned to Ace and me. "My brothers are incredible pricks. Everyone thinks I'm a total asshole. I am. I learned it all from them. When I was younger, I really looked up to them. They seemed cool. Confident. Knew how to be popular. I emulated them. After ... after being here a semester and seeing what ... nice people were like, I realized I didn't like who my family was. And I-" He looked down. "-I'm just like them."

"No, you're not," Aiden defended.

"Yes, I am. Look at how I just treated you in the shower room last semester. I said all the types of stuff my brothers would have. It's not like you're the only person I was mean to." Slater put his silver down and pressed his face into his hands. Ace and I were suddenly drawn in. "Over the break, I realized I didn't want to be around my family. How terrible is that? I'm such a waste."

"You've changed. You've grown," Aiden said. "It's not like I love being around my parents either."

"That's because they are distant, not total pieces of shit."

I couldn't tell Slater not to cuss. We weren't friends.

"It's not that the whole time was bad," he continued. "We had some fun. Good food. Saw a high school friend. I enjoyed my time with him more than my family. But even that ... I could tell what I used to be like because I was just like him. He wasn't as bad as my brothers, but I'd hear a racist slur or homophobic comment thrown in here and there. I was just like that in high school."

"But not now?" Ace interrogated. It was said with heavy speculation.

"I made a New Year's resolution to be ... better. I would say nice, but no one will ever think I'm nice."

"I do," Aiden said.

"Thanks. That's one."

"What are your parents like?" I asked.

"Not as bad as my brothers. My sister is actually kind of nice. She's not like us. Dad went to Notre Dame. He met Mom after graduation. We only go to mass occasionally now. We did growing up. Dad drinks too much, in my opinion. Cusses. Mom just ignores it, but I can tell she doesn't like it. I think she doesn't feel strong enough to speak up."

"That's got to be hard to sit back and watch," I said.

"Yeah. The older I get, the more it all falls into place."

"Is nineteen old?" Ace asked.

We all chuckled. "Feels like it sometimes. But, no, I just can categorize how fucked up my family is."

"Rise above. That's all I can say," Aiden said. "Nothing is forever. You won't be around them your whole life."

Once again, my best friend amazed me. His moments of understanding and caring always dazzled me.

—

Tuesday night. It had been our first day of classes. But tonight was date night.

I arrived back to the room at 10:30. Aiden was hanging up his coat. It looked like he had just returned a moment before. I hung up my coat right after him.

"Just get back?"

"Yeah."

"How was your date with Brady?"

"I'm not sure. I guess ... fine. I mean, he gave me a blow job. That was nice, I guess."

"Man, you say that so casually like a blowjob is the same thing as a large fries."

"Sex is just a part of the date."

But it wasn't for me. Not yet. When would it be? Would I ever feel so casual about it? Would the question of "Will we/won't we/" never be something that haunts me?

"But ... he broke it off with me," Aiden said.

"Oral sex and THEN he breaks it off?!"

"He felt he owed me a blowjob from a December date. But over the break, he reconnected with an old band mate there. They sort of hit it off and plan to see each other every month. He wants to see where it goes."

That baffled me. Brady wanted to be serious with someone else but gave Aiden a blowjob out of ... debt??? Once again, I felt lost. I didn't know what to make of sex.

"So, how was your date?"

"Fine. Fun. We went to a rom-com."

"Any romance develop afterward?"

"Nah. Just kissing. I was okay with that. It was all very nice. Over dinner, she talked a lot about what she did with her church friends over the break and how the church looked all decorated and volunteer work she helped with the church."

"And it all sounded ... church-y."

"Yeah. And that's okay. I got the impression she wanted to be better about not being..."

"A tease?"

"Patty's not a tease!"

"She gets you all hard and then pulls back! That's kind of a tease."

"I'm the same way. We weren't sure if were ready last semester. Now I get the impression, that maybe she is re-evaluating."

"Re-evaluating. Swell."

"Don't be hard on her."

"I want YOU to be hard on her. I want you to be hard IN her."

"Stop. Just let us be ... us."

Aiden's expression sunk. He hugged me. "I'm sorry. Forgive me. It's not my place to tell anyone else what to do. I just ... I just want you to experience the joys of life."

"I'll get around to it. One day." I squeezed him a little tighter. "It'll be okay."

We looked at each other. We gave a simple kiss.

Maybe all wasn't lost. Our deep friendship was still intact.

At the holiday dinner, Aiden was so amazed seeing so many men kiss each other. I had seen it for years. I wasn't fazed. Maybe that's why our simple kisses were just fine by me. I just felt close to Aiden when we did it. It wasn't like I was aiming to make out with every guy on campus. Not even our close friends. It was just something the two of us shared. I still felt confident we were the closest friends on campus. I was proud of that.

—

Wednesday night. Aiden and I had a CCE shift that afternoon. We all studied after dinner. Classes were already showing their demands. Aiden and I went on a grocery run for dinner the next night.

—

Thursday night. Dinner. I had selected baked chicken breasts with an orange glaze. The sides were tropical rice with coconut and fresh green beans with slivered almonds. Aiden put together an attractive salad. We simply cheated on dessert and bought a chocolate cheesecake from the grocery store.

Steve seemed mesmerized by watching Aiden and I in action. "Dudes! You guys are like on a cooking challenge reality show or something."

"Hardly," I said. "We're just assembling ingredients."

"My skill set is toaster waffles. Trust me. You guys are impressive."

I saw Aiden's expression turn into a grin. I learned that he liked receiving compliments. His parents' recent comments were among the first he had received from them. Aiden had a proper upbringing, but I got the impression it was more "appropriate" oriented than "approval" oriented. His father had a well-paying job; his mother's volunteer work and part-time jobs kept her involved with the community. Home life seemed ... structured.

Like me, I knew Aiden loved being back on campus.

Ace, Geoff and Sam entered together. Patty came in after them. Everyone lit up finally having the chance to meet her. I introduced everyone. She had brought some ciabatta bread that I popped into the oven to warm. Once Josh, Brady and Manny arrived — and the last of the introductions were done — we sat down to salad.

"This is our largest dinner yet," Aiden said. "Welcome Steve and Patty."

They offered their appreciation for being asked.

"I must say," Patty said. "Corey has really impressed me here."

I smiled a bit. Then Slater walked by. He momentarily turned. Our eyes met. I made a casual wave. I then felt like the biggest dick. It was cruelly ironic knowing that I probably had the smallest dick at the table.

As small as that nanosecond made me feel, the dinner went very well. Conversation was light, there was much talk about new classes, and we laughed a lot.

Aiden and I received compliments about the dinner. We took a break to clean dishes before having dessert. I could feel my friends watching and smiling at me as Patty and I nuzzled next to each other leaning against the couch. In that moment, I felt normal. I didn't often have that feeling, but it was nice to feel like most other guys on campus. Since Aiden and I paid for everything and took care of preparation, the others washed dishes and cleaned up. Patty and I held hands as we talked with others. I loved showing affection for her. We weren't doing anything heavy enough to get me aroused, but I liked being with her. As we held hands, my heart beat a little faster. Was that the first sign of love?

"Coffee," I said, jumping up. I knew I needed to start a pot. Others continued to mingle.

I needed to pee, so I headed to the bathroom. When I returned, Aiden said, "Coffee's done. Should we take out the dessert?"

"Yes. Set out sugar and creamer."

"This is amazing, guys," Steve said. "It has surpassed my expectations."

"What expectations did you have?" I asked.

"When I had walked by in the past, it always smelled good, so I just expected ... flavor. That's a stupid answer, I know, but I was just hoping for a good meal."

"And ...?"

"Oh, it was! But ... there was something special. It was ... dinner. Friends around the table — and this!" he said, gesturing to the coffee cups.

"It's just coffee."

"But it is like a ... real dinner. A formal one."

"Ha. We're hardly dressed up."

"You know what I mean."

"Like a dinner for adults compared to Chuck E. Cheese?"

Steve laughed out loud. "Yeah, I guess that is one way to explain it."

We sat down. The chocolate cheesecake was sweet enough but not overpoweringly so. The cocoa in it wasn't super sugary. It was better than I expected from a grocery store.

Steve gathered the dessert plates and forks and proceeded to wash them.

As the occasion was winding down, Patty and I were standing in a loving embrace. Glances still turned in our direction. I was trying not to blush. Our kisses got a little stronger. I did not want to be a show, but we kissed for a minute or two. I felt her fingertips slide down into the back of my jeans. I had the slightest bit of hair on my butt. I felt her fingers feel it.

Ace gave me the biggest smile.

"Well, it was nice meeting all of you," she said. "I've got to get some study work done for tomorrow. It's hard to believe it is hitting us this early in the semester. I enjoyed this immensely." She turned to me. "I'll see you Saturday night." We kissed deeply.

I knew I was in for some ribbing and teasing back in the room.

There were two slices of cheesecake left. I had a few paper saucers that I wrapped each one on.

"That will be great for tomorrow," Aiden said, putting his slice into our personal fridge in the room.

"Yeah." I paused. "But ... I think I might go offer Slater my slice."

Aiden sat up. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks," he said. "That's really nice."

He gave me Slater's room number. As I started out of the room, he leapt from his bed to give me a hug. "Thanks, Corey."

As I walked down the hall, Ace was heading my way. He looked perplexed by me holding a slice of wrapped cheesecake.

"I'm ... um ... I'm going to take a slice to Slater."

I expected to be rebuked.

Ace put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm glad."

A minute later, I rapped on Slater's door. I didn't even know if he would be in.

The door opened slowly. Slater's eyes looked at mine, then down to the cheesecake and then back to mine. He looked confused.

"I ... thought you might like a slice of cheesecake."

There was just the slightest drip of moistness to his eyes. He said nothing, but I knew he was moved.

"That's ... that's very nice, Corey." He took it from me.

"I didn't bring a fork. I'm sorry. I didn't think about it."

"We have stuff in here. Do you want to come in?"

Honestly, I didn't. I felt better about bringing him something. It didn't remove my guilt for being an unfeeling creep earlier this week, but I still didn't have a desire to spend time with him.

"Just for a minute. Aiden's waiting for me," I lied.

—

Friday night. Ace, Aiden and I were on our way to have some burgers. Fast food. Nothing fancy.

"I'm worried, guys," Ace said, behind the wheel. "I'm worried about Geoff."

"We kind of were wondering too," I said. "What's going on?"

"I ain't got the foggiest." His body language wilted a lot. "The two of us ... we ain't like you two. I mean ... we're friends and ... yeah, all that. But we ain't super duper close. We don't tell each other everythang."

"Have you asked?"

"I did. I felt I should make that effort, ya know? But ... I totally feel like he's holdin' somethin' back. He just doesn't ... seem happy. I'm worried."

"It's nice that you care," I said.

"I do. I'm not sure I show it well, but-"

"He knows," Aiden said. "Hopefully, he will open up to one of us."

"I think Sam knows more than he's telling."

"He did indicate something to that effect before break," Aiden said.

"Why did Geoff not want to join us?" I asked Ace.

"That's just it. He just wants ta keep ta himself now."

Conversation at Wendy's continued to be about Geoff. I wanted to call Sam, but I knew he said he had to run back home this weekend. I wasn't going to bother him.

Aiden and I were lucky. Most freshmen were assigned random roommates. We convinced them our strong friendship would help us do better academically. I feel it did. While I had enjoyed getting to know new people, Aiden and I hadn't had to deal with actually living (rooming) with a complete stranger.

"Want us to bring anything back for you?" I texted Geoff.

Three minutes later: "Nah. I'm good. Ate some chips."

A half an hour later, we entered Ace's and Geoff's room. There was a chip bag on the floor. Geoff looked ragged. For the first time, I wondered if he was doing drugs. It didn't seem like him at all. He wasn't the type. But then I asked myself, what does THE type look like? It's not like drug users are homeless bums on the streets. They're normal people.

I was worried more than ever.

"What's this?" Aiden said.

"Oh, my little sister gave me that for Christmas. I told her I would keep it in my room at college. It's just a ... a cheap trinket."

Aiden held it up. It was a ceramic bear that said "Big Brother. Best Brother."

"It's cute," I said.

"I guess. It was sweet. Kind of Wal-Mart, but she is thirteen."

"It's nice that she likes ya. My sister calls me Fart Face all the time," Ace said.

We all laughed, including Geoff.

"I'm sorry you didn't join us," I said, sitting next to him. "Wish you were there."

"Thanks," he almost mumbled. "I just ... I just needed to be alone."

"We're worried about you," I replied. "Let us know if there is something we can do."

"You can't. Thanks. But ... I'm fine."

The three of us knew he was lying, but we didn't press further.

Saturday night. Patty had this date planned.

7:00. I picked her up. She had been invited to a party. There were no fraternities or sororities at Notre Dame, but some friends of hers had rented an Airbnb. I had no idea why they would rent it out to college kids; it seemed foolish. As it turned out, an older sister of a friend was 30 years old. That sounded "safer," but it turned into a party of about eighteen people.

"You're going to be the hottest one at the party," Patty said, flirting.

"How do you even know who's coming?"

"I don't. You'll just be the hottest regardless."

I blushed. "Well ... thanks."

That was a nice compliment, but no matter how "hot" she thought I was, she still hadn't seen my dick. Whenever — or if — that happened, would she change her mind? Was it possible to still be hot if you weren't hung?

7:30. Margaritas were being blended. I knew I liked them. I didn't have to worry about seeming like a woos if beer had been served. A few minutes later, Patty and I were handed one. It was fantastic. The music was great. Some people danced. The snacks out were tasty, but I knew if I had made them what additions I would have added to give them an extra touch. The guacamole couldn't have used jalepenos. I admitted to myself I was such a dork.

8:00. Both of us poured ourselves a second margarita. I felt loose enough that I was comfortable dancing with some of the others. Patty and I may not have been the most fluid on the makeshift dance floor — a living room rug — but we had fun. The songs were great.

8:30. I felt a bit of a buzz. I figured that would be my last drink. My mind went to picturing me driving and being pulled over. Underage, intoxicated. Then I felt like the biggest dork again. I was certain I was the only person there thinking such responsible thoughts. I'd just dance the effects off.

9:00. I could tell a few people were really drunk. They couldn't walk straight, and their speech was a mess. I was nothing like that, so I knew I wasn't drunk. Patty got us a third margarita. It was served in a larger cup; we must have gone through the disposable ones.

9:20. Several couples were making out. Some of the rooms' lights had been dimmed. I felt a bit more buzzed but still felt in control. I felt free. Maybe Aiden and I should have margaritas in our room. Patty and I sat at the bottom of the stairs. Our drinks were just out of "spill range" as we began kissing.

9:23. I didn't understand the tongue thing, but Patty's tongue was in my mouth touching my tongue. I felt more grown up. I felt adult. I felt ... hard.

9:25. I had my hands on her body. One was on her shoulder, the other groped her breast. I felt like a man. I felt like a tiger. I felt hard.

9:26. Patty grabbed my wrist. We swallowed another gulp of margarita and left our drinks behind as we headed upstairs.

9:27. The first bedroom was occupied by a couple groping each other on the bed. His shirt was completely off, her blouse was unbuttoned.

9:28. One couple was in the hall making out standing up. We moved past them to the other bedroom. "People are in there," one of the students said. Before she could stop, Patty opened the door. We saw a girl completely naked from the back. She was straddling a guy who was shirtless and had his jeans pulled down from his waist. He was groaning as she pulled on his dick.

9:30 The living room seemed much darker now. We swallowed the last of our drinks on the stairs and tossed our plastic cups into the sink. Some people were still dancing. I thought we might join them. But we found the master bedroom. It was vacated.

9:31. We were on the bed. She unbuttoned a few buttons on my shirt. Her fingers felt my chest hair. I was so hard. I pushed my crotch into hers. Yes! We were still dressed, but I was rubbing my dick into her. It felt good. I felt good. I felt hard. I felt buzzed. I felt like a man. A normal man. A normal hard man.

9:32. We were panting as we made out more fiercely. Her hand worked another button loose and she felt my chest. My hand was on her breast. I dared myself to move it up her sweater. I pulled it and her shirt out of her jeans. My grip slid up her body, feeling her skin. I groped her breast through her bra. My crotch pressed into her further. It felt good, but I knew I didn't want to come in my jeans, so I slowed my writhing a bit to concentrate on kissing and groping.

9:35. I wanted sex. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted us naked. I wanted us to be rolling on the bed. I wanted us to be FUCKING. I was so hard.

9:38. Patty unfastened her jeans. Her fly was open. She grabbed my wrist and moved it down to her panties. I let my fingers slip below the waistband. Her bush felt trimmed. I felt her hand grip my cock. It was so tight in my jeans. She groped the length of it. We kissed and moaned and panted.

9:40. She groped my bulging crotch tightly in her hand. She rubbed my hard dick through the jeans. I felt her fingers move to my fly to unfasten them. One of my fingers explored lower. It slightly entered her. It felt moist.

9:41. We were going to have sex. It was obvious both of us were ready. Did I want to do it here with everyone in the house? I was buzzed. I wasn't sure I cared about that, but maybe we shouldn't do it here.

9:42. My cock was throbbing. It ached to be inside her. I wanted her. I wanted to be deep in her pussy. I wanted to fucking finally have fucking sex.

9:43. We were ready. But we weren't ready. I was ready to ask her about protection and if we wanted to go somewhere else. I pulled back to ask her what she wanted to do and if she wanted to have sex here.

9:44. "Oh thank God, Corey. You're stronger than me. I'm glad you are slowing us down." She put a hand on my chest and gently pushed me back.

"Uh..."

I wanted to say, "I want you."
I wanted to say, "We both want sex. Where should we do it?"
I wanted to say, "Where can we get protection?"
I wanted to say, "I can't wait to make love to you."
I wanted to say, "You have me so hot right now."

But what I said was "Um."

"Thank you. I'm so sorry," she said, buttoning her jeans. "You think the worst of me, I know. I've let the margaritas get to me. I'm terrible, I know. I'm sorry. Thank heavens you are stronger. Thank GOD! I was so close to making a mistake." She panicked. "Oh gosh. Not that you would be a mistake. Heaven knows I want you. I want to have sex with you. But we're letting things get too carried away. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

"Um."

"Oh my gosh. Thank you, Corey. Thank you for pushing me away."

9:47. I hadn't. She pulled away.

"I'm so sorry so sorry so sorry."

9:48. I was no longer hard. What I was was confused and buzzed and ... lost.

9:48. Patty took a deep breath. "Let's talk about something different. Let's take our minds off things — off all this." She sat up.

"Like what?" I said in my still-confused state.

"Like ... I don't know. This house. How old do you think it is?"

"Um. I have no idea."

"Or ... oh, I found out Thursday night that Aiden was gay. What's that like? Do you ever worry about him ... you know."

"Know what?" I said in a fog.

"You know, like ... coming after you or something."

"Of course not. He's my best friend."

"Did you know he was gay before you became best friends??"

"Yes."

"Maybe the college can switch roommates for you so that you can have someone ... normal."

"I don't want someone else."

"He seems nice. But what if he tries something?"

"I'd trust him with my life," I said defensively, starting to get annoyed.

"But it's so sinful. The whole gay thing. Gross."

"Patty..."

"I can't even comprehend it. It's so perverted."

"It's as natural as what you and I were just doing."

"No. It goes against nature. It goes against God. You should think hard about that. Being close to him could be risky in lots of ways."

"Patty, my dad is gay. He's married to a man."

Patty looked at me as if seeing ghosts. "You never told me that."

"I didn't feel I needed to. It just didn't come up."

"I knew your parents were divorced but ... Corey, bless your heart. You've been through so much."

"So has he. But he found a wonderful man. He's like a second father to me."

9:51. The date was over. "I should take us back."

The drive to campus was completely silent.

10:48. I opened the door to our room. Aiden looked at the clock and then back to me. "How was the party? I thought you might be out later."

I sat on my bed. I was still buzzed. I wasn't nauseous or unbalanced; I was just ... buzzed.

"We broke up."

Aiden jumped up. "What?" He sat next to me. "Start from the beginning."

I did.

Aiden listened to my retelling as best as he could. With multiple margaritas, I wasn't sure if I explained things clearly.

"Are you ... saying you chose me over Patty?"

"No. I didn't have to choose between two people. I just knew she was wrong for me."

"Well. People change. Maybe after you two talked, she can change her mind. Forrest did."

"It's not that. She has a point of view. I can respect people who hold to their ideals. I just don't agree with hers."

"I'm sorry."

"Aiden, I was so close. We were minutes from doing it. I was going to have sex."

I didn't realize my eyes had watered. A tear ran down my cheek.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. It's okay." Aiden kissed me on the top of my head. I rested it on his shoulder.

I held him. He held me.

"I was so close."

"It'll happen one day."

"That's not why I'm upset. I'm upset that I almost did it with her. I would have hated to have had the first girl I slept with be some homophobic bitch."

"Corey! Don't say that. Patty's not a bitch." I could hear Aiden sniff me. "That's the alcohol talking."

"Can you tell I've been drinking? Can you smell it on me?"

"Yeah. Were you okay to drive here?"

"I'm not sure. I knew I had been drinking so I was hyper vigilante to make sure I was driving the appropriate speed and not swerve and make sure I used my signals. But ... if the slogan is true — Buzzed Driving Is Drunk Driving — I was probably beyond the limit. Dear heavens, Dad would be so disappointed in me."

"And Lance."

"Yeah. I just fucked up tonight."

"You cussed. Now I know you're drunk."

"No. No, I'm not. I'm still crer-ent ... coherent."

"Sure, you are."

"If I had slept with her and then found out she was anti-gay, I would have hated myself."

"I'm not worth all that."

"It's not just you," I said, leaning up to stare into his face. "It's Dad. It's Laramie."

"True."

"And Lance and Jakob and Trent and Mike and Emory and Don and Mitchell and L.B."

"Very true. You have a lot of gay people in your life."

"She just doesn't see it. We could never have worked out."

"She may change one day. You never know."

"She encouraged me to get a different roommate."

"Okay," Aiden said. "Now, I'm rethinking my bitch response."

I laughed. It felt good to laugh. I was crying and laughing and ... I was messed up.

We both lay on my bed side by side.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out," he said.

"I was SO CLOSE!" I held up my hand spreading my index finger an inch from my thumb. "I was THIS CLOSE to having sex. Finally. I was going to do it."

"This is for the best. You would have been sick with regret."

"Yeah. But I'm sick of being a virgin."

"As always, I'm willing to give you a blowjob."

That was Aiden's go-to joke. I always blew him off. I figured he would do it. I never wanted a blowjob from him. We shared everything, but sexual stuff along those lines was ... that was more than just jacking off. That was intimacy. That was wrong for me to lead him on. But I had made the decision to have sex earlier. My dick was aching for it. What if I said "yes"? So what? I deserved it.

"Okay."

"Huh?"

"If you want to, I'll let you."

Aiden freaked out and sat bolt upright.

"What? Really? Really?! You're just drunk."

"I'm not drunk. I know what I'm saying. After tonight. I deserve it. I deserve my first blowjob."

Aiden was flustered. I had never seen him this way.

"What do I need to do?" I asked.

"You don't have to do anything. You just receive it. Are you sure? This isn't some revenge thing against Patty?"

"No. I want it. I want to experience it."

Aiden got off the bed. He scrambled around the room like a chicken with its head cut off. He lowered all the lights with just a purple glow behind his name art. "Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck." I started to take off my clothes.

"Stop. Let me."

I was glad he offered that because I was having problems with the buttons on my shirt.

"Lie back," he softly said.

I was completely still, stretched out on my bed.

I watched Aiden's fingers unbutton the buttons I couldn't get undone. He spread my shirt open.

"It's okay," he said, and then gave me a quick kiss. It was followed by a stronger kiss. I didn't mind.

My eyes watched him fumble with the fly on my jeans. He unfastened them, and then slowly unzipped me. I probably should have peed again first, but he had started. We had started. I wasn't hard.

Lying next to me, he leaned on his elbow and gently felt my chest. His fingers threaded the blond chest hair between them and twisted it slightly. It felt nice.

Then his hand reached down into my open fly and felt the bulge in my underwear. I hoped I could get hard after those drinks. I had been hard with Patty, so I knew it was possible. He groped my crotch but in a tender way. His hand cupped my junk. I could feel my dick start to stretch, start to stiffen.

"That's it," he said. He kept rubbing me.

Aiden slipped his fingers below the waistband. I felt his fingertips explore my bush. His index finger and middle finger made a V and touched the base of my growing erection. They traveled up the sides of my shaft.

"Lift up," he softly instructed.

I lifted my butt. Aiden shoved my jeans and underwear down a foot. My crotch was exposed.

His fingers twisted in my pubic hair again. Then he let the palm of his hand climb back up my chest. His touch was nice. I had never wanted Aiden to touch me in this way, but it felt good. He leaned over and kissed a nipple. I wasn't sure what that was for, but I didn't mind it. His mouth continued to taste my chest, my neck.

His hand grabbed my rod. He kissed my neck and pulled on my erection. I sighed in contentment. It felt good.

"You're sure?" he softly asked, as he lifted his head from my chest and hovered over my groin.

"I am. I want a blowjob. I'm totally fine with you doing it."

His breath was warm on my dick. He breathed over it. Aiden extended his tongue and let just the tip of it touch the head of my cock. He traced the rim. It was stimulating. He licked the entire length of my hard-on. I felt my penis trying to get longer, straining to get harder.

"That's nice," I breathed.

Back and forth, his tongue made my cock wet. His face hovered above my waist. With the slightest whisper, "Corey," Aiden's mouth consumed my entire organ. Bobbing up and down, his wet mouth sucked me.

"Ohhh, yeah," I softly approved.

For minutes, he feasted on my hardness, my male anatomy. I enjoyed it. I loved it. I was enthralled by the feeling.

Aiden lifted off and ripped his T-shirt over his head. I lifted my head up to see him unbutton his fly, hang his underwear underneath his balls and grab his own hard cock. I noticed a spot of wetness from his own boner leaking.

His mouth consumed my erection. His hand pounded his own.

I was into it all. It felt good. It felt better than when Patty was groping me. The nerves in my cock were wired.

"I like it, Aiden. It feels good."

He hummed into my shaft in response. His own dick was being victimized.

He paused again to wriggle out of his pants. He stepped out of his underwear and climbed back onto my bed. Naked. Exposed. For me. I took that moment to get out of my jeans completely. Or tried to. One leg and foot were caught in them, but I was almost out of them.

His mouth on my cock felt so good.

"Don't stooooppppp," I moaned softly.

I kicked my foot trying to flap the jeans off to no avail.

Aiden took his hand off his own erection to rip my clothing off my leg.

Then he got fierce. His blowjob was aggressive as if he wanted it to be the most pleasurable moment of my life. As he consumed me, his hands roamed alongside my hips; they felt the hair on my legs; they groped the base of my shaft.

"That feels good, buddy."

He hummed louder into my dick. He yanked his own hard-on again.

"Ohhh yeah. Don't stop."

He sucked on me hard. Then he stopped. I looked up at him to see why. He leaned up and jerked his cock right at my dick. I felt his cum hit my balls and the base of my shaft. He gasped in his orgasm. "Corey," he panted.

He took a final gasp of air and then let his hand spread his cum all over my dick. He followed by plunging back on it with his mouth. My dick was wet and sticky and slippery and all sorts of feelings and textures.

"Oh man, Aiden. Oh man."

He moved his mouth up and down my rigid pole.

It felt good.

It felt so good.

It felt incredible.

"Aiden. Aiden. AIDEN. I'm ... I'm-"

He didn't take his mouth off. I exploded into his throat. Again and again and again and again. He swallowed all of it. I stopped coming, but he didn't take his mouth off my body. He suckled on it. He licked the shaft while inside his mouth. A centimeter at a time, he gently and slowly lifted off my rod, keeping a seal around it the whole time. Finally, his tongue licked the slit to make sure he had captured every drop of my personal liquid.

"Holy cow," I said.

"Did you like it?" he smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did, buddy. Thank you."

I watched him in the dim lighting get a washcloth and get it wet. He returned to me. The cold wetness made me jump when he wiped my balls and dick with it. I watched him wipe down his own dick, which was still impressively hard. He returned to me and made sure I was completely cleaned off.

Aiden climbed into bed next to me. His arm wrapped around my chest.

Burying his face into my shoulder, he said, "And now you don't have to be a virgin anymore."

"That doesn't count. That wasn't sex. Was it?"

"It was oral sex."

"But we didn't ... actually ..."

"There was no penetration, if that's what you mean, but-"

"Right. Exactly."

"Corey, you get hung up on definitions and stuff. You kept pushing it as far as you could without doing it with Patty."

"But I was going to tonight."

"I know. Just ... just learn to enjoy life. Experience its pleasures. Whether it `counts' or not," I said using air quotes in the darkness. "Just enjoy what your body finds pleasurable."

"Hmm." I thought about his words. Where did they fit with how my morality liked to compartmentalize things. My brain was still a bit fuzzy. I couldn't work things out feeling like this.

Then I pushed on him. "Let me out. I need to pee."

He giggled.

I struggled getting back into my clothes.

"Do you need help?"

"No. I'm fine. Mostly."

I didn't put on underwear. I walked down the hall in just jeans and a T-shirt ... barefoot. I wondered if anyone could tell that I just had a blowjob. There weren't any signs to give that away, were there?

Four minutes later, I was back in the room. Aiden had crawled into his own bed and pulled the covers over him.

"Thanks for list'nin'. Thanks for being my best friend," I said.

"You're welcome."

"And thanks for ... all that. It was great."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Love you, Aiden."

"Love you back."

His hand fumbled with the remote and our room was dark.

—

I started to wake up. I immediately felt my pillow being damp. That woke me up fully. Was that from the alcohol? I didn't remember any bad dreams or anything. I couldn't imagine a blowjob would cause me to be sweaty in my sleep. It must have been the margaritas.

I turned. Aiden wasn't in bed. He must have been down in the bathroom.

I flipped the pillow over to the drier side. I felt icky. I wondered if Dad would have been disappointed in me for drinking so much. And driving. So much for me being smart.

My brain began to debate if the alcohol was responsible for me getting so hot and heavy with Patty. I relived that whole scenario again. I was so ready to do it. I was ready to lose my virginity ... lose it to a homophobic person who couldn't accept my roommate. Had we entered a deeper relationship, she would have always had a problem with Dad and Laramie. I guessed you never really know a person fully in just a few weeks.

I noticed I had morning wood. That reminded me of Aiden's blowjob. It was nice. Really nice. It wasn't a life-changing sexual experience, but ... I enjoyed it. At least the way I remembered it. I felt he was taking pity on me. He felt sorry about Patty and me breaking up. It's sad that those were the circumstances that made me finally take him up on his offer after all these months. I wouldn't ask that of him again. He was such a good friend.

Where was he???

I scrambled for my phone.

"Where are you?" I texted.

Sitting up, I felt a little groggy. My head didn't hurt. I didn't think it was what people called a hangover, but I was a little foggy.

It was 9:55.

I rambled down to the bathroom to pee. A T-shirt was enough to walk the hall. Aiden wasn't in there, either in a stall or in a shower. I wasn't hard anymore, but I liked how my dick looked in the morning.

I waved at a couple of students in the hall whom I had met but couldn't remember their names. They probably thought I looked like crud.

We had granola bars in the room. One of those would suffice. I knew there was juice in our fridge.

I heard a text come in.

"At mass. I'm joining Josh in a little while. Have a good day."

Aiden ... at mass?

I felt a shower would do me good. Twenty minutes later, I felt better.

I felt unstructured the whole day. I piddled with studies. I got my reading done. I texted my parents for no reason in particular. It was too cold to carve outside. I didn't feel like writing song lyrics. I just wasn't creative. So what mood was I in??

I was still feeling the breakup with Patty. I accepted it, but I felt ... like I somehow failed. But that wasn't true. I gave us a chance. Her views just ended it. It was what it was.

A text came in. I hoped Aiden would get me out of my melancholy.

It wasn't Aiden. It was Patty.

"Do you want to talk? I hated how things ended last night."

Did I? No.

"I think we both said what we needed to."

A minute later, she replied: "I'm sorry."

I didn't know what she meant exactly.

I'm sorry you didn't know I was anti-gay sooner.
I'm sorry I got you all horny and then stopped us.
I'm sorry we didn't work out.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'm sorry that you think I'm mean.

I really had no idea. But ... it didn't matter. We weren't the right person for each other.

What was Aiden doing all day? He wasn't back for dinner either.

The previous night still had me zonked. I started dozing off around 9:30. I turned off the lights and attempted a good night's sleep.

—

It was 7:03. Twelve minutes before my alarm would go off. I heard Aiden rustling around.

"What timed you get in list night?" I mumbled.

"A little after 10. You were asleep."

"Have you showered already?" I asked, sitting up.

"Yeah. I want an early start. Grabbing breakfast before my first class. Have a great day."

He was out the door. That was weird. Aiden would want a hug or a kiss or something. I hoped he was trying to start the semester off well. I admired his dedication, but I felt something was off.

My new classes were interesting enough. I hadn't developed a favorite yet.

It was 5:30 in the evening and my roommate wasn't back. Surely, he was going to do dinner with me.

He texted. "Josh needed to talk. I'll see you later tonight."

I knocked on Geoff's and Ace's door. Ace answered.

"You and Geoff want to join me for dinner?"

"I will. I have no idea where Geoff is."

"That worries me."

"Me too." He looked over my shoulder. "No Aiden either?"

"No. He's been acting oddly. I've hardly seen him the last two days."

"Did ya guys fight or somethin'?"

"No."

He shut his door behind us. "Geoff seems to be avoidin' me," Ace said as we began our walk. "Not that we have to linked at the hip or anythang, but ... he's quieter. He don't hardly talk. Somethin's wrong, but he doesn't want tah talk about it."

As we sat our meals down in the dining hall, we looked for other friends. We seemed to be on our own. Manny eventually saw us and joined us.

"Ya ain't said anything yet, so... how are ya doin'?" Ace asked me.

"Meaning...?" I followed.

"Meaning..."

"Patty?"

"Yeah. Aiden texted us so we'd be prepared. Ya doin' okay?"

I sighed. "I guess. We were really close to taking things to another level. Really close. Then I found out she's ... anti-gay and-"

"You're not gay," Manny said.

"Well, Aiden is ... duh. Not to mention my father."

Emanuel looked confused for a second. "I guess I didn't know that. I just knew your parents weren't together."

"Oh. I thought everyone knew."

"I can see why that would have made things difficult."

"It is what it is."

"Ya'll will find someone new," Ace said.

"Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not rushing into anything."

"We need tah get ya laid though."

"Ace!" Emanuel scolded. "That's none of our business." He paused. "But feel free to get me laid."

The three of us laughed, which was nice.

I looked at Emanuel's meal. "I see you opted for a salad. Way to stay strong."

"A cup of soup too. No dessert though. I've ..."

"What?" I asked.

"Never mind."

"What?" Ace asked.

"I bought a scale since getting back. It's silly, I know."

"Why? If it helps you stay motivated, it's quite smart."

"Thanks. I've lost two more pounds since getting back."

"Good for you," Ace said.

"I'm trying."

"Maybe you'll switch from Jicama to Cucumber," I joked.

"Ha. That sounds more like a dick thing. I wish."

We laughed again.

—

Aiden still wasn't back at 10:30. I turned his name art on a dim setting and turned out the other lights except for the night light to where we could walk around.

At five minutes to 11, he entered the room.

"Where have you been?" I asked.

"Out with Josh. We just spent time together."

"Okay."

"I'm beat. I'm going to brush my teeth and hit the sack."

True to his word, he spit toothpaste into the sink and slid into the sheets in less than two minutes.

"Good night," he said and turned to the wall.

—

The next morning, Aiden was already out when I woke up. What was going on?

Through my Tuesday classes, I thought less about Patty and more about Aiden. He didn't text all day. We didn't do lunch. He didn't come back to the room for dinner.

Walking to the bathroom, I saw Slater. I never wanted to start conversations with him, but I thought maybe he might know something.

"Slater, have you seen Aiden today?"

"No." He looked at me intently. "Is something wrong?"

I had no real answer. There was no indication that anything was wrong other than he seemed to be avoiding me.

"I guess not. I ... just haven't seen him much the last few days. It isn't like him."

"Corey, please let me know if something has happened." He gave me his number. "Promise. Okay?"

"I promise."

Slater was an interesting case. He absolutely rebuked and belittled Aiden early last semester. Now they seemed like friends. I really didn't understand it from either side. Even if Slater was sorry for verbally abusing Aiden, I didn't understand the friendship that developed. The fact that he was sincerely concerned was touching.

Sam met me for dinner. I told him I was confused by Aiden's behavior, but I left out that he had given me a blowjob. Was that it? Was that weirding him out? He had offered to do it a thousand times. Had I done something wrong?

It was nicer outside, so we took a walk around campus. Sam told me some more about his roommate. They didn't seem close at all. I was so fortunate to have my best friend as a roommate. We were so close that I finally let him give me a blowjob. But now I wondered if it was causing problems. I didn't like Aiden ghosting me. No matter what, I wanted us to fix what was wrong before we went to sleep.

Sam asked about the situation between Patty and me. I was halfway through the details — even sharing that our clothes were slowly being in states of undress — but once I got to her anti-gay talk, we both heard our phones receive texts at the same time.

It was a group text to Sam, Aiden and me from Ace: "Get here NOW! Our room."

"Fuck," said Sam.

"It must be Geoff."

We hurried across the cold grass to Dunne Hall. It took us a few minutes to get there. We opened the door. Ace looked terrified. He pointed to Geoff.

"Holy shit," Sam whispered.

Geoff was lying naked on the floor, sobbing. The ceramic statue he had received from his younger sister was shattered next to him.

"What happened?" we asked.

"I dunno," Ace said. "He won't talk tah me. I came in and found him this way. He's just cried. That's why I texted y'all. I don't know what tah do. I'm scared."

Sam leaned down. "Geoff? Buddy? What happened?"

Geoff just cried. He tried to form words. We didn't understand. I think I heard him say "messed up," but I wasn't for sure.

Aiden came in and took in the scenario. He soon looked equally frightened with Geoff naked on the floor and Sam next to him. I grabbed Aiden and held him.

"What happened?" he softly asked.

"We don't know."

Aiden saw the broken pieces, pulled away from me and carefully gathered the fragments away from Geoff's body. He dampened a tissue and wiped the area to make sure there weren't any tiny pieces.

I squatted down. "Hey, Geoff. How about we get you dressed, huh? Did you fall? What happened?"

Sam and I gently held his shoulders and had him sit up. Leaning against his bed, we saw cum smeared into his belly. My mind couldn't piece the situation together.

Aiden warmed a washcloth and handed it to me. Geoff took it and wiped his waist. I handed him his underwear from the bed. Sam handed him a T-shirt. Geoff continued to sob as he put those articles of clothing on. He saw the four of us looking at him and burst into loud tears.

"I'm so messed up. I don't know what's wrong with me," he sobbed.

"Tell us what happened," I said.

"I can't."

"How did the statue get broken?"

Geoff wailed in anguish. "I hate myself."

"No. No you don't," said Aiden. "It's going to be okay."

Hearing him say that, I wished he could kiss Geoff to comfort him, but that only worked on me.

"I'm not right. I'm really messed up. I – I – I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Tell us what's going on," I said.

I looked at Ace. He was still terrified.

"For the past few months, I've been a mess."

"A mess how?" I asked Geoff.

"Do you remember that bet Ace made with Sam?"

"The ... no-touching thing?" Aiden asked.

"Yeah."

Sam put his hand over his mouth. It then moved over his eyes. He turned away.

"After that ... something changed. I had never looked at porn before, but ... seeing it play that night, I started ... looking. And I watched ... a lot. I started looking forward to having time alone. And then ... I asked Sam if he would show me that ... trick, that skill ... to me again. He did. I got off watching him do it."

A tear went down Sam's cheek.

"We jacked off a few times. But I started spiraling out of control. I had always repressed ... sexual stuff, I guess. I grew up being taught to avoid sexual interactions. Things started changing so quickly. Talk about floodgates opening ... I watched stuff and got off and thought about it ... ALL the time."

"You're young and horny and a man," Sam softly said.

"But I'm not normal. Normal people keep it in check. Maybe once a day. If I'm alone, that's all I do. I've watched everything. Straight, bi, gay ... it all turns me on."

"Are you bi?" Ace asked from the back of the room.

"I don't think so. I – I – I just am turned on by ... everything. There is a term ... pansexual ... I'm not sure if I fully understand it. But ... I'm into everything. I lost my virginity to a girl over the holidays. She was a high school friend. We met up over Christmas. I told her I wanted to lose my virginity, and she slept with me. The next time we did it twice in one night. Then I slept at her place — with her parents knowing it and mine NOT knowing it. I snuck out."

Geoff's confession was somewhat unsettling. I knew who Geoff was last semester, but clearly things had changed by the end of it.

"I asked another girl to have sex — and she slapped me. I drowned in porn over the break. I thought getting back to school would help me get back on track."

"But...?"

"I'm a mess. I've avoided you all just to have time alone."

This sounded like an addiction. Geoff was going to need help.

"How did the statue get broken?" Ace asked.

"You were out with the jocks, Sam and Corey were having dinner. I knew I had time to myself. As usual, I avoided my classwork and watched porn. After I ... you know, finished, I reached for a tissue on my desk from my bed and I knocked it to the ground. It broke. I closed my laptop and got on the floor to see if it could be repaired." Sam started gasping for air. "And ... and ... I knew it couldn't be. That's when I knew I was in trouble. I was a mess. My life was falling apart. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I guess that's when I walked in," Ace said.

"Yeah," Geoff said through snot and tears.

"I'm so embarrassed. How can any of you look at me ever again?"

"We're your friends," Aiden said, reaching down to help Geoff up.

Geoff let out an accidental fart.

"Well, that's just icing on the cake. How humiliating."

The gas was pervasive.

"Dude. Hellacious," Sam remarked.

"We can go to our room," Aiden said.

Everyone began moving toward the door.

"I'm going to grab something from my room. I'll be right back," Sam said.

Aiden turned on his name art to a medium setting. We left the other lights off. It was a soft blue glow. Aiden and I sat on his bed. Geoff got on mine. Ace sat alone in one of the desk chairs.

I got up to pop open a Dr Pepper. I was about to offer others something when Sam came in with a bag.

"I have beer," he said. "I have White Claw and Mike's Hard Lemonade too. I know you don't like beer, Corey."

I couldn't recall telling Sam that, but it must have come up in conversation at some point. Sam, Ace and Aiden reached for a beer. Geoff chose a White Claw. Somehow my Dr Pepper seemed silly in the moment, but I had opened it.

"I'm scared guys," Geoff continued.

"I'm not sure any of us can provide you the help you need, but we're here for you," I said. "I love you, Geoff. I'm here for you." I hugged him.

"I love you too," said Aiden. "I'm always here for you." Aiden hugged him.

"Same here, man," Sam said. "I love you." Sam hugged Geoff and sat next to him.

Then the room was quiet. Ace had said nothing.

It was an awkward silence. Ace wasn't a hugger, nor did he express deep emotion, but for him to say nothing at all was glaringly apparent. Ace stood and walked to Geoff.

"I'm always here for ya. Geoff. An' if I'm not, call me. Call me first. Okay? I'll do anything I can."

Then he pulled Geoff off the bed and wrapped his arms around him.

"You're not alone," Ace quietly told his roommate. Geoff squeezed him tighter.

"Thanks everybody."

"There are several people you can talk to on campus. I think you should," I said. "The first step is hard, but it is the first step to getting better."

"It will be so embarrassing," he moaned.

"Therapy probably is at the beginning, but it's not worth it to keep it all inside. Let people in. Let others help you," I said as gently as I could.

"Therapy. I need a shrink at nineteen. How can you all even look at me."

"No one is judging you," Aiden said.

"I'm such an idiot. I'm mortified. You have no idea how humiliated I am."

"Okay, sit down then," Sam instructed. Everyone looked at him. "Grab a drink," he said.

I went to get a hard lemonade. I grabbed a bag of chips we had opened. I took a few and then they got passed around.

"You want embarrassing?" he started. "When we all got back, everybody talked about their families at Christmas. You all hear me talk about Mom, but you never hear me mention a father. That's because I don't know who he is. When my mother was young, she slept around. When I was old enough to understand how babies were born, she told me that she didn't know who the father was. When I was little, she lied and said he left us. She could have said he died or something, but then we would have no pictures of him around. Do you know how that feels? You don't even know who your dad is because your mom was a tramp?"

"Don't say that," I said. "She made mistakes. She's human."

"Perhaps. It's still embarrassing to not even know who your father is or you wonder what people think of your family. Hell, Corey's got dads running out his ears."

"She was a good mom though, right?" Aiden asked.

"Yeah. Once she got pregnant, she made sure I was her top priority. She got her life together thanks to relatives."

"Good for her," I said. I thought of Dad pulling his life together.

"When I was little, there was so much I didn't understand. When I was the age when I thought Santa was real, I wondered why all the other kids in school got more gifts from Santa than I did. I think that hurt me in some way. I was too young to realize that Mom was doing the best she could."

For a moment, I wondered how Sam was at Notre Dame. It wasn't an inexpensive college. Perhaps he got a full scholarship. Maybe he had a rich relative. It really wasn't my business. I would never ask him.

The room got quiet. We all took a drink. It turned out to be a time for sharing. Ace broke the silence. He came from the chair and sat on the floor near Geoff's legs sticking off the bed.

"I like to hang around with the football jocks," he said. "Y'all know I played in high school. I so wanted a scholarship. I accepted that I wasn't as good. I still support the team ... teams, all of `em." He took a drink. "I smile at games. I put on a good face." Ace looked down. "Every game my guts are broken glass. I put on a brave face, but it kills me to know I wasn't good enough. I'm such a fake."

No one knew what to say. Geoff leaned forward to put his hand on Ace's shoulder.

It was quiet again.

"I take advantage of my roommate," Aiden started.

What? What was he saying?

"No, you don't."

"Yeah. I do. I expect things from you that I wouldn't if I had been assigned a random roommate."

"We're best friends."

"You deserve better."

I didn't understand what was going through Aiden's head. It sounded private so I would wait until later to discuss it with him.

"So, Corey," Geoff said. "You were valedictorian. Does anything embarrass you?"

I was quiet. Didn't everything? Virgin. Short dick. Failed with girlfriend.

"Were you embarrassed when everyone at school found out your dad was gay?" Sam asked.

"No," Aiden answered for me. "He was amazing. There was some talk. A few people said things to him, and he knew others were talking behind his back, but Corey didn't let it faze him."

"Not on the outside at least. Him being gay wasn't so bad. I was terrified that people would find out he was an alcoholic. That's what scared me."

"More than gay?" Ace asked. "Sorry, Aiden, I didn't mean it tah sound that way."

"I loved my father. I knew it took courage for him to come out. I guess I was too young to be embarrassed by it when he told me. I guess for someone eleven, I just tried to process it. I didn't really even process the sexual part of it. I just knew dad liked men. I just pictured him kissing. I guess. I loved seeing affection between Mom and Dad, so him expressing affection to someone else was ... fine. I liked Mitch."

"I forgot he was your dad's first," Aiden said.

"Yeah. It was really bad before that though. Dad was drunk a lot. I was scared. He and Mom fought. They tried not to around me, but they still did. At the time, I didn't know what life was going to be like. The weird thing was when I retreated to my bedroom, particularly at night, the embarrassing thing was I would distract myself with ... my dick."

"Huh?" commented Sam and Geoff at the same time.

"I was getting erections at ten and eleven."

"You jacked off when you were ten??" Sam said.

"No. I was just getting hard. I touched it. I was afraid to talk to my parents about anything. It just kept me preoccupied. I don't think I really started jacking off until I was thirteen though."

"Thirteen! Man," said Sam.

"Is that early? How old were you?" I asked.

"I was almost fifteen, I think. Right after the end of junior high. I had finished eighth grade."

"I was fourteen," Ace said. "I shared a bed with my brother. In the middle of the night, I saw him jerking himself. I had been hard a few times before. The next night I asked him what he was doing."

"Ew," said Aiden.

"It ain't a big deal!" barked Ace. "He was just bein' a big brother. He showed me. When I saw him come, I was sorta freaked out, but ... I was hard. I did it in private for a few days. It felt good. I eventually came."

"I was fourteen," Aiden said. "I was thrilled that I was growing pubic hair I remember. I was on the floor watching TV when I was hard. To be honest, I think I was watching a movie with a guy shirtless. I loved his chest hair. I started rubbing my crotch into the carpet. Discreetly. Granted, I had clothes on, but it felt good. I think my first orgasm happened with my mother on the couch. She had no idea. I just knew it was the greatest feeling in the world ... for a few seconds. Then I felt my underwear was wet and sticky. I went to the bathroom. I had heard enough from kids in school. Of course, we had `the class' in school too. I knew enough, but it was the first time I had seen cum. I felt it and stared at it. It didn't freak me out. I kind of ... thought it was cool."

"Jeez, I was almost sixteen," moaned Geoff. "I guess I was late with everything. Jacking off, porn, losing my virginity."

"Patty and I never made it," I said. "I'm still a virgin."

"You got close though, right?" Sam asked.

"Yeah. She was groping my dick. I was feeling her up. I was ready. I was just about to ask her if she wanted to do it there at the party or go find a place. And ... we needed protection. I knew that much."

"Ya didn't have condoms yet?" Ace asked.

"No."

"Go get some tomorrah! Just have `em."

We all sat back and drank. No one said anything for a while. We just drank.

"Thanks for doing this, guys," Geoff finally said.

"We love you. We're here for you," Aiden said.

"I never coulda told any of this to nobody," Ace said. "Tonight was kinda ... kinda surprisin'."

"Yeah," Sam said.

"We ain't telllin' anybody else anything we said tonight, though, are we?" Ace pointedly asked.

"Nope," said Aiden.

Sam belched. Everyone laughed. It was an immature moment that let us know we were still kids inside.

For a few more minutes we finished our drinks. Then everyone thought about classes in the morning.

Sam got up to leave first. He looked at Geoff.

"Wait, Santa isn't real?" Geoff said to him.

Sam smiled and gave Geoff a hug and told him he loved him once more. Geoff thanked him for the beer.

Geoff and Ace started to head to their room. Aiden and I hugged Geoff. "Please promise me you'll talk to somebody. Please? Promise?" I begged.

"I will. I can't keep doing this."

"We're here. If you need anything, we're here."

Ace started to leave with him, but I grabbed his wrist and held him back. "Thanks for being there for him. Take care of him."

I wrapped my arms around Ace. He willingly accepted my hug, which surprised me a bit.

"I'm gonna try. I feel kinda protective about him; I'm not sure why."

"Because you're a good friend."

I let go and he left.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Aiden said.

I gathered the empty chip bag and the bottles. The room looked clean again; we hadn't made much clutter.

I brushed my teeth. As I headed to the door to go down the hall to pee, Aiden returned.

"I'll be right back," I said in passing.

Two minutes later, I flushed. As I washed my hands, I saw it.

I scurried back to the room. Slamming the door, I announced, "I saw it. I saw him. I saw Earl."

Aiden's eyes opened wide. His mouth was a froth of toothpaste. "Earl the exhibitionist?" he spit.

I nodded.

"Damn. I heard someone taking a shower, but ... damn. What did it look like?"

"Have you ever seen an anteater?"

I watched Aiden's eyes zigzag while trying to picture what I was trying to convey.

"Big. Thick. Started to taper. He's ... he's uh ... uh ... uncut. It – it – it just looked like a big anteater. I hated him because it was so huge, but at the same time ... I didn't like how it looked. Not that I'm a penis connoisseur like you-"

Aiden spit. "Why am I a penis connoisseur?!"

"You're gay. Aren't you guys all into ... dicks?"

"They're not ... art! Yeah, I like dicks, but being gay doesn't make you an expert or a critic." He paused. "Well, I guess I am a fan of some more than others. That doesn't make me a connoisseur though. Good grief."

I chuckled.

Aiden finished wiping off his mouth.

He crawled into his sheets. It was chilly. He pulled his blanket up. I sat on the edge of my bed. I had kept a T-shirt on for warmth.

"Why did you say you take advantage of me? Is that why you've been avoiding me these past few days?"

"Maybe. Kinda." He rolled to look at me.

"You don't take advantage of me. Why would you say that?" I asked.

"Yes, I do." He flopped his covers off his upper body.

"How?"

"Corey, I gave you a blowjob." He then looked at the wall and lowered his voice, hoping Ace and Geoff hadn't heard. "You had just broken up with Patty and you had been drinking. For me to force that on you was ... kind of a douche move."

"You didn't force me. I agreed."

"You had been drinking. You weren't thinking clearly with the emotional mess and the alcohol and everything. I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry."

"I'm fine with it."

"But afterward, we had the discussion if you were still a virgin or not and you have all these very specific definitions and ... it wasn't what you needed. I'm sorry. I'm. Really. Sorry."

"Again, I agreed to it. And it was just one night."

"No, it's not. It's been on my mind this week. We hug. We kiss. We kind of ... well, touch each other. Do you think Ace and Geoff do any of that? Think Steve is kissing his roommate? And ... after being at your father's house for the Christmas dinner — I get it. Men kiss around you all the time. It's the world you live in, so even though you aren't gay, you see friends kissing and ... it is all normal to you. I just think I take advantage of that."

I sat quietly for a moment. I wanted to debate Aiden. I didn't feel taken advantage of. His points were spot on. We were probably the only two roommates that would kiss out the door each morning, but ... I really didn't care.

"First, it's nice that you think of me enough to put my feelings first. But I honestly don't care if we are like everyone else or not. We're best friends. We share everything."

"I know. And I love it. But ... Lance explained to me at the end of last year that we share a deep love — there are so many kinds — and ours is one of friendship. But ..."

"But what? You know I love you."

"I know you do. And I tell you I love you too, but ... Corey, I kind of have to fight every day ... to not be IN love with you. I love our friendship. And I accept that you're straight and we can never be any more than best friends ... and I'm very happy being your best friend. I love you more than anyone in the world."

"Well, your parents..."

"I love them in a parental-love way, I suppose. It's nothing like what I feel for you though." Aiden sighed. "I don't think I should kiss you and hug you and jack off with you. It might make me want and wish for something that can never happen. And I feel that's how I take advantage of you."

That was blunt. Aiden was right. I knew he had feelings — romantic feelings — for me in high school, but we had managed to work around that. In doing so, we became stronger friends, best friends. But it probably was harder for him. The two of us were unquestionably affectionate. But I liked that. But I could see how it made things harder for him. But I didn't want a wall between us either.

"Can I have one last hug?" I softly asked.

Aiden emerged from his sheets with open arms. I walked into them. We held each other for what seemed like forever, but it was probably only thirty seconds.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear.

"As Han Solo said, `I know.'"

I smiled at his joke, remembering watching The Empire Strikes Back with him.

We let go, and the room was dark.

—

"No Aiden, tonight?" Geoff asked.

"He has a Prism event tonight."

"But you two are okay?" Ace asked.

"I think. We worked our CCE shift today. He seemed fine."

I still wasn't sure. If I agreed to not showing affection to Aiden, how would things change? We'd be just like everyone else in Dunne Hall, so we wouldn't be weird. But ... would we be us? I didn't feel good about it. So, I wasn't really sure if we were okay.

Ten minutes later, we sat our meals down. It was Indian tonight. Ace had meatloaf.

"Just so you all know, I'm seeing Father Eric tomorrow. I have an appointment," Geoff shared.

"Good for you," I encouraged.

"I dread it. I know I need it, but I can't imagine how embarrassing it will be. But..." He sighed. "I can't just think my problems will go away." Geoff paused again. "What if – what if there is no way to fix me?"

"First ... don't think of counseling as being a fix. You aren't broken. Think of it as going to a doctor. This is just mental health."

"I know. You always see those stars and athletes talk about mental health. I know it's not good to trap things inside, but ... I really feel screwed up."

"You've taken a first step just by admitting you have a problem."

"And ya ain't alone. We're here," Ace inserted.

"How have you done today?" I asked.

Geoff sighed. "Okay. After last night, it was so mortifying that I really didn't even want to touch my laptop. But – but – but how long can I last?"

"Let's just see what Father Eric has to say. He might surprise you and be very helpful."

We changed the subject to other things. The menu. Snow. Basketball. A girl in Ace's class. Manny's weight.

During our walk back to Dunne, we looked ahead to February and picked a Thursday that would be good for us to do a dinner. It was two weeks away, so we had time to figure out who we should invite and what to fix.

As I entered my room, I momentarily felt lonely. Aiden wasn't there. When he got back, we wouldn't hug before bed. I was trying to be strong for him. If this was what he wanted, then as his best friend, I needed to help him. We had always balanced our friendship and love for each other. But his point about it being harder for him, that made sense. But I would miss us being the way we were. I would miss the hug before bed.

I buried myself in tomorrow's reading.

Aiden returned at 9:50.

"You won't believe it!"

"What? What happened?"

"Donny came up to me tonight."

"The first guy you went out with?"

"Yeah! He said over the break he did a lot of thinking. He hated how things awkwardly ended between us. He made a New Year's resolution to smooth things over. For us to try again. He was so relived to find out I wasn't dating anyone."

"He kind of pissed you off. Are you sure you want to try again?"

"We talked. I feel good about it."

"Well ... good. Then. I guess."

"We actually kissed good night. It was nice."

"Good for you."

For Aiden. He had a hug and a kiss. I would just crawl into bed. Just like everybody else on campus. No hugs. That should be perfectly fine. But it wasn't. It wasn't us. I had heard our friends use the word bromance around us. I hated that term, but I couldn't deny it didn't fit us to a T.

Or used to.

—

Geoff had gathered us in their room. It was before dinner.

"I talked to Father Eric today."

"How'd it go?" I asked.

"Better than you might think. Yeah, it was ... weird and awkward — in the beginning. But I figured it would be all scriptures and sin and hell and blah, blah, blah, but once we got past me being totally embarrassed, I felt like he really cared. He kind of put me at ease."

"What'd he say?" Sam asked.

"Well, we talked awhile. Yes, we touched on scripture and all that, but before that, he made me feel okay that I was struggling with something. We talked about my age and hormones and-"

"Ew," Aiden said.

"No, it wasn't that bad. He listened and was really nice. We kind of set up some goals. He addressed the premarital sex first and foremost. He really wants me to avoid that."

"Nope. I'd been done right there," Ace countered.

"I – I think I can do it. I hope. But he wants me to try my hardest to refrain from porn. He says that although men my age are curious and ... he didn't use the word horny, but..."

"Again, ew," said Aiden.

"Anyway, I have a goal. In this drawer right here ..." Geoff pointed to a drawer in his dresser. "... I have an envelope. I have fifty dollars in it. Every two weeks, I am going to put fifty more."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"If any of you catch me looking at porn, the envelope of cash is yours."

"Right, like Ace wouldn't always win that," Sam protested.

"Right. I get that. But all you have to do is ask me. I promise to be honest. I want to get better. The bigger the cash builds up, the more incentive for me to stay strong. Money is a motivator for me."

"So ... you are just going to go cold turkey?" I asked.

"Well ... Father Eric said, `God provides a way' to take care of sexual needs."

"Ew," the whole room said in unison.

"Meanin' your right hand?" Ace clarified.

"Yeah." Geoff smiled at us. "It really wasn't as bad as it sounds."

None of us knew what to say.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Aiden offered.

"I doubt it, but I know you are there to support me. So ... knowing you're on my side, that means more to me than you probably think it does."

"Just let me know if ya need private time," Ace said. "I'll take your laptop."

The room chuckled.

"I'm proud of you, Geoff," I said.

—

It was the last day of the month, a Monday night. Geoff and I were walking around St. Joseph's Lake. It was to be the last pleasant evening before a big temperature drop.

"You made it through the weekend, I assume," I said.

"Meaning ... no porn? Or ... what exactly?"

"Just ... being okay, I guess."

"Yeah. I made it fine. I suppose I had a couple moments to ... well, God provides."

I laughed.

"But ... Corey, I sometimes don't feel like me."

I got serious with him. "Explain. What do you mean?"

"We're friends, right?"

"Of course."

"Think of when we became friends, I'm not that person anymore. That person you knew isn't me. I kind of feel like I don't know ... myself."

"You've dealt with different things. You've felt different things, but you're still ... the friend I took a liking to."

"I'm not sure. I feel like I'm starting over. I feel like you all know all this embarrassing crap about me ... and I'm someone I don't know how to be."

I wasn't sure what to say. I was by no means qualified to offer any type of counseling advice. For some reason, Geoff's comments made me think of my father. How hard it must have been for Dad. All those years ago, he had to completely start over ... everything.

"I don't know what to say, Geoff. I don't have any advice, nor are you asking for any. But..."

"But?"

"Back when my dad was ... was drinking, he was kind of a mess. He was figuring out who he was and-"

"The gay thing?"

"Yeah. When he and Mom split, I – I – I wondered if it was my fault and all that. Mitch took him in. I hardly got to see him through the whole divorce proceedings. It wasn't until he had been in AA for several months before he really got routine visitation rights."

"That must have been hard."

"It was. But once he figured out who he was, I could see him get better. But after what you just said, it hit me that he had to go through a lot to figure out how to start over. He told me some things, but now that I look back — and I'm older — I'm sure he must have lost all his friends at church. He must have been scared."

"I can relate."

"But you haven't lost us. I feel after we all made our confessions last week, we're all kind of stronger friends. Don't you?"

"Possibly. Had you guys abandoned me or made fun of me, I think I would have completely fallen apart."

"Nope. We're still here, right there with you."

"Ace has almost hovered over me like a big brother."

"Aw. Sweet."

"He's a complicated guy. Even after six months, I don't have him completely figured out, but ... he's a good friend."

"I think so too."

"It's funny. I occasionally think about him when I get off."

I thought that was a bold statement for Geoff to admit to me.

"Really?"

"Sometimes. Sam a lot. That girl I had sex with — a lot. Occasionally you. I hope that doesn't creep you out."

"I'll try to say I'm flattered, but I – I'm not sure how to respond."

He chuckled.

"Do you always picture people you know?"

"Not always. I picture doing it with Billy Eilish, Taylor Swift, other celebrities. I sometimes try to not think of anyone at all, but that just ... doesn't work."

"When I was young, I stayed at Dad's apartment. It was before we had the house. I could see him getting better. I was glad ... and maybe a little relieved, but there was still so much I didn't know. Whenever I would feel ... uncertain about him or me or our family, I just ... jerked off. In those minutes, it just felt good. I put everything else — all my fears — out of my mind. I didn't really think about people, just ... well, how good it felt. I was young. I guess in high school, I would start thinking about girls, but ... that seemed so sinful to think of girls I knew, so imaginary females were easier for me."

"I'm kind of a pervert. I just think of the world naked."

I laughed hard. "I'm not sure why I think that's funny, but it kind of is."

"Kind of."

"Corey, would you be willing to..."

I was prepared for Geoff to ask me to masturbate with him. Would I? I said I'd be there for him as he dealt with his issues. My heart was beating faster. I had done it with Aiden, but I was comfortable with Aiden.

"Remember that song we worked on in the fall? After hearing what you guys shared last week, I was kind of working on some lyrics. Would you be willing to work on it tonight?"

I exhaled. It wasn't the first time I was wrong in my assumptions, but I was glad I was.

"Aiden said he was spending the night with Donny," I said, removing my keyboard from its case.

"OoooOOOooo," Geoff said.

"Well, I can tell you that Donny's roommate is going to be there, so I don't think it will be too wild."

"It's nice that this reconciliation is going well," Geoff offered.

"I agree."

We sang for a while. We both admitted the new words improved the song. We hadn't shared it with our friends yet. It was just between Geoff and me.

There was a knock on the door. I got up to answer it. Whenever I played in the room, people would sometimes stop by to listen or to sing.

I was not expecting to see Slater.

"I heard ... singing. Is – is Aiden here?"

"No, he's ... out."

"Oh."

"Did you need something? I can give him a message."

"No. I – I was just passing by and heard you all." Slater pulled back. "I'm sorry to have bothered you."

"That's fine. You didn't."

"Can I ask you a question, Slater?" Geoff asked.

"You can call me Forrest if you want."

"Fine. You were incredibly mean to Aiden last year."

"I know. I was. I was an ass."

"So ... even if you feel bad about it, why do you want to be his friend now?"

"Aiden is ... he is ... important to me."

"Why?" we both asked.

"Because he saved me life." He backed toward the door. "Excuse me. I should go. Good night."

Slater shut the door and headed toward his room.

* * * *

Thank you for your continued support. Look for a related post, "Geoff," on the blog: timothylane414 stories.blogspot.com

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com