AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once again, thank you for your support and your emails. Please keep them coming. Although it may take me a few days, I WILL respond to all emails that I receive. I would also like to thank my "Ghost Editor" - thank you for everything! ehlrich@hotmail.com
Chapter 9
Gary's heart was in his throat. He wasn't even sure why he was picking up the phone.
"Hi," Karen's voice came over the phone. Her voice was soft and sounded congested from her tears.
"What's up," Gary asked. He really didn't know what to say.
"Where are you? I want to talk to you."
"I'm," he paused. Should he tell her where he is? Why the hell not? He had already ruined any chance he ever had of being with her again. "I'm at Drew's."
"Oh, Jesus," she said as she started crying again. "That's just great, Gary. You fight with me and you go running to your boyfriend?"
"Sweetheart, I didn't know where else to go and he's not my boyfriend."
"Fuck you. And what the hell do you think gives you the right to call me sweetheart after all this?"
"I don't know."
"Yeah. Good fucking answer, Gary. Look, I don't want to get into this over the phone. Especially since I know HE is probably sitting right there listening."
"Kare, I'm..."
"You're what? You're sorry? Are you?"
"Yes."
"Sorry you hurt me or sorry you did it?"
Once again, he was cornered. He didn't know how to answer. He didn't regret what happened with Andrew - he just regretted the circumstances.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you."
"But, if you could take it back, would you do it again?"
"I don't know."
"You fucking bastard. What the fuck am I supposed to say here? What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want from me, Gary?"
"I don't know."
"Can't you fucking say anything else? Is there anything that you DO know?"
"Look, I don't want to argue with you."
"WHAT? You don't want to argue with me??? Are you serious?" Karen laughed through her tears. "I'm sorry. You don't get a choice on this one."
"Look, I don't know what you want me to say here."
"I want you to tell me that you're sorry. I want you to tell me that you love me."
"I do."
"Yeah, and I want to believe you."
"Karen, I love you so much."
"Then why would you do this to me? Why?"
"Because I love him too."
"Of course," she said through laughter and tears. "So, now what do you want? You want to be able to fuck us both?"
"No."
"Ya know what I don't understand. Why the hell would he want to be with you?"
"What?"
"I mean, seriously. He sees what you're doing to me. What makes him think that you're not gonna turn around and do the same thing to him?"
"Karen.."
"What happens when you get sick of cock and you decide you want pussy again?
Then you're just gonna stomp on Andrew and run off to find some other chick. Cuz I sure as hell wouldn't take you back!" Karen's emotions were shifting from hurt to anger.
"I.."
"Oh, save it. Why the fuck do I even care? Why should I care about Andrew?
He obviously doesn't give a shit about me."
"That's not true."
"HA! How the HELL do you figure?"
"He's been looking out for you more than you realize. He's been trying to get me to figure this out before I just dropped this on you."
"Yeah but he's still fucking you. That shows a lot of concern."
"He never fucked me."
"Oh, Jesus. Don't get me on a fucking technicality. Whatever the hell you two do - I don't want to think about it. Frankly, the thought of it makes me sick. The thought of you with ANYONE else would make me want to throw up. Nevermind one of our good friends. And a GUY!"
"Kare.."
"How did I NOT see this? How could I have been so blind? I mean, how long have you known that you were gay or bi or whatever the fuck you think you are?"
"I'm not gay or bi. I don't LIKE guys."
I had been sorta listening to the conversation from the living room but when Gary said that he didn't 'like' guys, he caught my attention. What did he mean he didn't like guys? I wished that I could've heard the other end of the conversation.
"What do you mean you don't like guys? You like Drew, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think he's attractive?"
"Yeah."
"And you enjoy having sex with him?"
"Yeah."
"Then you like guys."
"But there's only ever been one other." The second Gary said it, he regretted it.
"WHAT? There was someone else?" So much for not being emotional. Karen felt that comment stab right through her heart. She thought she had heard the whole story but apparently Gary was holding back even more information.
"It was a long time ago."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" And, suddenly, it hit her. He had told her.
Not directly. But he had talked about a friend in high school. His best friend and how they got into some big fight. He said it was complicated and that he didn't want to talk about it. He always acted funny whenever they looked at photo albums and saw his old friends picture. "Oh, Jesus. It was Mike, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," he replied quietly.
"Oh my God."
"Karen, I'm really confused."
"What are you confused about? You like dick. And now I have to live with visions of you sucking cock. Or better yet, Gary - the real clincher is having to think about you shoving your dick up Gary's ass and then FUCKING ME just a few hours later!"
"Karen..."
"I can't do this. I could never be with you again. I'll always wonder. Every time you go out with Drew or any other guy, I'll wonder if you're just going out or if you're going out and fucking him."
"Karen, it's not like that."
"Oh no? What is it like? Please, tell me."
"I don't know. I still love you."
"Yeah, but what do you want to do about that? Do you want to be with me or do you want to be with him?"
"Both."
"HA! You've GOT to be kidding me."
"I wasn't saying that I expect that to happen. I'm just saying that right now, I love you both very much and I can't choose."
"Well, I can tell you right now that there is no way in HELL that I'm going to allow you to come over here, sleep with me and then go sleep with Drew when you decide you need some man on man action."
"And I wouldn't ask you to."
"Ya know what? I told you I didn't want to talk about this on the phone and I really didn't. Now you've got me even more pissed off than I was before. I didn't think it was possible!"
"Karen, I can't talk about this right now. I have to go." Now Gary was starting to get emotional. It was as if he suddenly realized everything that he had been doing. He had been cheating on his girlfriend. He had been messing with Andrew's head. And he had no idea when or where it would end.
"What, now you're going to decide when the conversation is over? You seem to be under the impression that you have a lot more control than you actually do."
"I can't do this right now. I have to get out of here."
"And where the hell are you gonna go?"
"I'm not sure. But I can't stay here."
'What?' I thought to myself. Where was he gonna go? How could he leave me right now? What the fuck?
"Fine. Fucking go. Do whatever the fuck you want. Just stay out of my life." Karen said and hung up. She leaned into the wall and slid her way down it. She curled herself up in a ball on the floor and sobbed.
Gary sat on the stairs for a few moments before standing up and walking down the few stairs that he had climbed. My Mother walked in to the hallway.
"Can I get you something to drink, dear," she asked.
"No. I have to go."
"Go? But you just got here."
"My thoughts exactly, Mom," I yelled from the other room.
"I'm very confused right now and I need to go somewhere to think."
"Like where," I asked.
"I don't know but I have to go." And, with that, Gary turned towards the door and walked out without so much as a 'goodbye'. I was completely dumbfounded. What the hell had just happened?
My Mom ran out the door after Gary and my Dad walked into the living room.
"You okay, champ?"
"No!"
My Dad sat down next to me. I could tell that it was awkward for him but he put his arm around me and pulled me toward him. I was on emotional overload. Gary had just walked out on me. My father was actually making an effort! I started to feel warm. My body was overheating. Dear God, please tell me I'm not gonna black out again?
"Pills, Dad. I need my pills."
"They're right here," he said as he reached for the bottle.
I opened the bottle and put one under my tongue. I could feel it dissolving as the dizziness started to wash over me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Dad. I'll be fine. Just give me a second."
My Mom walked back into the house. She hadn't been able to catch him. When she saw me leaning over with my hands supporting my head, she ran into the living room and sat down next to me.
"Are you okay? Is he okay?"
"I'm okay, Mom. I just started to feel a little warm and dizzy."
"I KNEW this was gonna happen. I shouldn't have let him in here. God DAMMIT!"
"MOM! Stop."
"Andy, calm down," my Dad said.
"I'm trying."
The dizziness slowly passed as my Dad rubbed my back. I sat up straight and looked my father in the eye.
"What the fuck am I gonna do, Dad?"
"I don't know. But your mother and I are here for you no matter what."
"Thanks, Dad."
Gary got into his car and started driving. He had ignored Ms. Branson when she ran after him. He didn't have anything else to say to her.
Gary's mind was racing. Where was he going? He had alienated all of his friends. He certainly couldn't go to his parents. They would disown him on the spot. Maybe he just needed to be alone with his own thoughts for awhile. And then, he knew exactly where he could go. To the woods.
When Stacey walked into the house, she saw Karen curled up against the wall in the kitchen. She instantly knew what had happened. The moment that Stacey knew was inevitable had come. What was she going to do? She had known Drew and Karen for years. And then there was Gary. The one that she had always thought was such a nice guy. Now he was showing his true colors.
Stacey hated living in the real world. She despised drama and did her best to avoid it at all costs. When Drew had first told her that he and Gary hooked up, she hadn't thought about the potential ramifications. It wasn't until after the accident that reality started beating the door down. And now it was too late, she was in the middle.
"Karen?"
Karen looked up to see Stacey standing in front of her. She stood up, wrapped her arms around Karen and continued sobbing.
"What happened?" Stacey asked - despite the fact that she knew damned well what had happened.
"Gary....he....and Drew."
"I know, hun," she said as she hugged Karen tighter.
Karen's body froze. She felt as if she was going to be sick. Had Stacey just said that she knew? She pulled herself away from Stacey's embrace.
"What do you mean you know?"
"I've been trying to stay out of this but..."
"Wait, wait. How long have you known about this?" Karen asked. Her face was red and swollen. She was congested and had the headache from hell. This was not making it any better.
"Karen, you know how I hate to get in the middle of things like this?"
"Hate to get in the middle? Stacey, you're my friend. And you knew?" Karen felt as though she was losing her mind.
"But Drew is my friend too. Trust me, this hasn't been easy for me."
"FOR YOU?" That was it. Karen had snapped. "This hasn't been easy FOR YOU? Don't FUCKING talk to me about what YOU'VE been through."
"Karen," Stacey reached out to Karen's shoulder.
"Don't fucking touch me," Karen said as she pushed past Stacey and ran down the hall. Stacey turned to say something to Karen but was cut off by the slamming of Karen's bedroom door.
The drive had seemed to take Gary forever. His head was pounding and he could barely concentrate on driving. When he reached the trail, he pulled the car off the road and stopped just inches short of plowing himself into a tree.
He got out of the car and ran down the trail as fast as he could. He almost tripped several times and got more than his fair share of branches slapped in his face but when he saw the little house that he had helped to build, he felt better. He knew that he would be safe out here. He knew that this was the one place that he could go where no one would bother him.
When Gary opened the door and saw someone standing in the shadows, he panicked. "What the fuck are you doing in here?"
"Sweet Jesus."
Gary recognized the voice but couldn't figure out who it could possibly be.
"Who's there?"
"What," the voice said as it stepped into the light, "am I that easy to forget?"
It was Mike. Gary turned completely pale. He had never expected to see Mike again. Especially not here. The last he had heard, Mike had moved out on his own and was living about an hour away. Gary was speechless.
"So, what brings you out here," Mike said. His voice was sarcastic and almost seemed to have an aggressive tone.
"I...just...needed somewhere to go to think."
"And I bet you never thought you'd find me here."
"Why ARE you here?"
"I'm home visiting my Mom. Nice day. Thought I'd go for a walk. And, technically, you're trespassing."
"What?"
"Yeah, my Dad bought all this land. Some developers were gonna come in here and put a housing complex in. Since our property is on the other side of all this, Dad decided he didn't want to have people a couple hundred feet beyond our yard. So, he bought them out."
"Wow."
"So, yeah, get the fuck off of my land."
"What?"
"Do I have to call the cops or are you gonna get the hint and get the fuck out of here?"
"Mikey, I..."
"WAIT! Don't call me Mikey." Gary had called him 'Mikey' as a silly petname all throughout their relationship. He never would have allowed anyone else to call him 'Mikey' and he wasn't going to allow it from Gary any longer. The last time that Gary had addressed him, he had called him 'Michael' to be deliberately cold.
"Sorry."
"So," Mike chuckled, "what's the answer? Do I need to call the cops or are you gonna leave?"
"Mike, I don't need this today. This has been the worst day of my entire life."
"That is SO not my problem."
"Jesus, can you please just lighten up?"
"You're not serious, are you? The last time that I saw you, you didn't seem to give a shit about me so WHY should I care about what's going on with you?"
"You don't have to care. I'll leave. I just came out here because I needed a place to think." Gary turned around and started to walk out.
"And don't EVER come back here, do you understand?"
"Why are you doing this?" Gary said, turning back around to address Mike.
"Doing what?"
"Why are you being so cold?"
"I don't actually have to answer that question, do I? Because the answer to that one should be pretty obvious."
"Aren't you over me by now?"
"WHAT?" Mike laughed. "Please don't flatter yourself enough to think that after all these years I'm still harboring some kind of deep emotional connection to you. I was over you a long time ago."
"So, why can't we be friends?"
"Wow! You must be having a bad day. I think you're delusional."
"I'm serious. I could use someone to talk to right now. Why can't we just bury the hatchet. It's been so many years. We used to be best friends!"
"Used to be, Gary! That's the key! USED TO BE! And, in case your selective memory has blocked it out, we USED TO BE a lot more than that."
"Look. I really need someone to talk to." Gary was feeling desperate. "I'm having a hard time....with....," and Gary trailed off. He was embarrassed to finish the sentence.
"With what?" Mike asked out of morbid curiousity.
"I'm struggling with my sexuality."
"HA! And this is new......how, exactly?"
"Fuckin' A. I don't need this right now."
"Yeah, and ya' think I WANTED to bump into you today? Or EVER for that matter?"
"Dude I'm a fucking mess right now." Gary felt like he needed to cry but he was out of tears. The only feeling remaining was the pit in his chest.
"And I was a fucking mess when you left me. I handed my heart to you and you were nothing but reckless with it."
"If I had known that you were going to be out here I never would have come. I just wanted to go someplace where I could think. This place always makes me feel better."
"I know what you mean," Mike said, appearing to soften a little. "This place had some wonderful memories. So, did you feel better when you first came out here?" Mike smiled. It was a smile that Gary should have seen right through but didn't.
"Yeah, I kinda did."
"Good," The faux smile on Mike's face fell instantly and he shot Gary an evil look before continuing, "now get the fuck out."
"Mikey..."
"God dammit, Gary. Don't fuck with me."
Once again, Gary started to walk out but turned before he left.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"What?"
"I'm sorry that I hurt you."
"It was a long time ago, Gary. It's far too late for that."
"I was so confused."
"And, by the sound of it, you still are."
Gary found the tears that he thought he had lost. They slowly fell down his face as he walked out and started to run down the trail. He could hardly breathe because of the pit in his chest and stopped after running for about a minute. He sat down on a rock and rested his head on his arms. Every part of him ached with one form of pain or another. The worst pain of all was the knowledge of just how alone he really was.
--
Across town - Karen sat on her bed - crying until it hurt. I sat on my mother's couch - completely bewildered and unsure of what would happen next.
'No more tears', I thought to myself.
--