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Dear readers.
We are reaching the end of the first half of the book. The
following (the 25th. Chapter) will be the last.
I will start posting here the second part of the story on
Aug. 1st. 2020. As a thank you, I will post one deleted scene
in the meantime and unlock a character map for those who care
and read all of my stories :).
FomEB (Ross's and Kyle's story) will be released on the
schedule as I need those two storylines to catch up to each
other.
The second part is mostly focusing on Thomas's arc and will
consist of both Thomas's and Matt's POVs, with a few insides
from Brandon's and Noah's POV.
Hope you will enjoy it. I love the second part, maybe even
more than the first, and it will be worth the wait for you.
Feel free to check it out
here - https://www.patreon.com/posts/79544836
Chapter 24 - Thomas's Confession
Tue, Jan. 7th, 2020:
I woke up in an empty bed, an empty house with emptiness eating me alive. I've had birthdays, good and bad, but this one was nerve-wracking. I knew Thomas well enough to know there was a big chance he won't let me see him. Who knows, if what Peter told me that Saturday a few days ago it's true, Thomas may not even open the door for me. I hugged my chest and covered myself, burying my head in the blanket. Happy fucking birthday to me...
.
I reached for the phone after a little while and opened the text window... I scrapped dozens of messages before I sent the final version.
Thomas, it's my birthday, and I really want to spend it with
you. Not because we had a deal but because, you know, we both
want to. I will come at ten. Please open the door.
I have only one birthday wish. Please, give me one day
without the world. You can break my heart tomorrow.
Matt
Cheesy? Pathetic? Sure, but in all honesty, that was how I felt after Peter made sure I understood that Thomas has a record of cutting people off if he considers that necessary, and no matter how much I didn't want to believe that, I realized why he did that. He loves me, but he knows there is nothing I can offer to him. And I finally admitted that he was right. I wanted him, but if I wasn't willing to become gay for him, I had no right to hold him.
Still, I couldn't just let go...
A message popped up. "Come then." I smiled, but I knew better now than to make expectations from him... Maybe it's time to stop using people who love me... Perhaps I could finally let them breathe... After today... I need that last day!
.
. . .
.
Ten o'clock.
I knocked on Thomas's door, ready for everything. Well, obviously not everything... The door opened, and inside stood Thomas I had never met. He had no sternness in his eyes. He looked gentle, vulnerable, and... soft. That expression broke something in me, and I reached for him, kissing him right on his doorstep. Thomas let me and kissed me back as shivers ran through me.
.
Our lips parted, and his forehead rested on mine.
"Come in, Matt."
I stepped in and only now realized that he was wearing a plain white t-shirt and pale blue jeans. Jeans? I never saw him wearing jeans. He looked as if he was ten years younger now. It was fascinating. He was barefoot, and I took my shoes off as he closed the door.
"Happy birthday," he smiled softly.
"Thank you."
We just stood there. What now...?
"You will not leave tomorrow willingly, will you?"
"I don't know, Thomas. Do you want me to?"
He shook his head and walked into his living room. "You heard me that morning did you."
"Yes."
Thomas nodded. "Sorry, that wasn't my intention."
"Thomas... I can't be that person for you. I am sorry."
"I never expected you to be, Matt. I've spent every day for months at work next to you. I've seen you when you were angry and excited. I have a pretty good idea of what kind of person you are. I don't need you to be someone you are not."
"But I still care about you."
"You care about the release you feel when you can let go, Matt. That is not what I am looking for."
"I know. But I honestly don't know if I can find that anywhere else."
"You never tried," he pointed out as he sat on his couch.
"I don't know if I want to," I came closer, standing in front of him with my hands in my pants pockets.
"I think you should."
I raised my eyebrow with doubt. "And what about you?"
"Trust me, Matt, the sooner this ends, the sooner I will get better."
"Right..." I looked away. That hurt...
.
I sat down next to him.
"I spoke with Peter."
Thomas looked surprised. "You did?"
"Yeah... I talked with Natasha. Brandon told her about my kink for pain. She assumes I found some dominatrix. He even showed her the video."
Thomas frowned and looked judgingly. "Did you tell him he can do that?"
"No, I had a huge fight with him over the phone. But when I came home, Nat was packing, and we had a long conversation about it. I have to admit that bastard was right. I know Nat well, but I was shocked at how well she took it. If he didn't do that, I believe I would come to half of my things burned, but instead, we talked for hours and hugged goodbye. I suppose I owe him an apology, but I still feel betrayed."
"I can understand that. So she thinks you found another woman?"
"Yeah."
"Right."
We looked at each other for a moment. I couldn't help but brush a few hairs off his face and hold my hand on his temple. He turned slightly, and my hand slipped off him.
"And how did you end up talking with Peter?"
"Right... I woke up in an empty bed, and it felt strange... With everything happening at once, I was overwhelmed, and I just sat in my car and drove left, right, straight, back."
Thomas looked at me quizzically. "What is that?"
"Game we used to play with my buddies when life was too much. Every time we stopped at a red light, we started chanting -- Left, right, straight, back... And at what word the green came, there we went."
"What if there was no left?"
"Then we chanted -- right, straight, back," I winked at him, and he smiled a little.
"I like that."
"Yeah, it's fine. If you want, I can take you some time."
He looked at me. "Rather not, but thanks."
.
I nodded, understanding. "And then, as I turned, I saw Ross."
Thomas raised his brow. "Ross Garret?"
"I don't know his surname, that big guy from New Year's at Ben's."
He nodded. "Yeah."
"You went to college together?"
"Yes."
"He's a great guy. I like him," I admitted.
"He's also pretty powerful dominant," he smirked.
"I know." I laughed, and Thomas looked at me with an expression I couldn't read. Was he curious if I let Ross top me? He looked like he was fighting whether to ask that question.
"We just talked, and he took me inside."
"Inside where?" Thomas straightened his back. He is cute when he is jealous.
Only now, I realized how that could sound. I didn't mean to mislead him. "Ben's gym. I somehow ended up there."
That seemed to surprise him even more. He turned to me with his body and rested his elbow on the backrest bending the knee on the couch between us. "Really?"
"Yeah...I didn't even know where that was. I suppose that's why everyone at his party was so ripped."
Thomas shook his head, smiling. "Fascinating..."
.
Seeing him smile was nice, and I grinned too. "Tell me about it. Ross had some issues himself and went to train there. Ben was there as well, and they nearly destroyed me! Man, I am still sore!"
Again that look... Right... I should be careful about double meanings today. I didn't want to tease him. I just genuinely didn't realize it all.
"We trained Thomas. Well, I mean gym-wise. They are sick! I never exercised so hard! I think if I were in my prime, I would have a problem keeping up with them."
His look has become softer now. "Yeah, they are quite driven, especially if Ross came to deal with anger."
"It helped... A lot, actually."
Thomas smiled. "I am glad."
.
I nodded. "Still, it wasn't anywhere near as being with you." I looked at him, but he just gazed at me.
"Then Peter came down, and they invited me for lunch. We talked a lot. They are amazing. They care about you a great deal."
Thomas watched me, resting his head in his palm over the backrest.
"I was a bit scared at some point, to be honest. It was as if I talked with your two big brothers and understanding sister," I laughed a little.
Thomas's lips curved into a warm smile. "That's nice."
"What did Peter tell you?"
"For example, they were shocked that I even saw your bed. They immediately switched to those protective brothers when I told them I had spent the night. Well, Peter told me about his tries to get back to you. But mostly, they said one thing that I had to admit... If I am not willing to become gay for you, I have no right to hold you. I realized that I do tend to hurt people who love me... I don't want to do that to you."
He looked at me as if I was saying something he never expected of me. I could understand that now.
"Thank you..."
.
But even despite all my efforts, I couldn't shake the sadness I felt realizing that. Was I really able to give him up?
"Still, Thomas, I can't stop thinking about you! Many people told me they love me, but I never cared about anyone's confession as I did about yours. It's making me crazy just to sit here next to you."
"Yet you cannot imagine spending life without women."
I shook my head. "No... I cannot. I believe if you were a woman, I would be faithful to you, but then I could never do the things to you that I did... So I don't think there's a win in this, and I believe you don't want to share me with anyone."
"No. I would never want that."
"They refused to tell me why you hate straight people."
"I don't hate straight people, Matt."
"Okay, right. Why don't you want to date straight people?"
"Well, that is quite self-explanatory, Matt."
I looked at him sternly. "You know what I mean, Thomas."
He sighed and leaned against the backrest looking in front of him.
"When I was a freshman at college, I fell in love with one guy. Derek. A bad boy who loved pain, and I loved giving it to him. I assumed he was bi, but now when I met you, I started to believe that he was really straight."
"I was his best-kept secret for over a year. I hated it. I kept punishing him for it every time, and it never was enough for either one of us. After a while, I realized how toxic this was. It was destroying me inside. So I broke it off. He came crawling back, but then he found a girlfriend, and that was the line I refused to cross."
He shrugged his shoulders and sat straight. "Part of me hated him, but I couldn't stop loving him at the same time. It was mental... Then I decided I would never date anyone who was not out of the closet. And then there was one guy that was bi. I couldn't help but feel that it was just a phase for him from the way he was acting, and I didn't want to indulge in that. That's where the "bi-part" of my rules came from. The rest of my dating history was keeping these rules, and I was satisfied with that and never saw the need for change."
"Until me."
"No, Matt. I won't let you change that." He looked gently but resolutely into my eyes.
"I see."
"Was that also when you developed a taste for sadism?"
"No." Thomas smiled.
"Then why? Have you been hurt?"
He looked at me thoughtfully, observed me, and caressed my hair.
"No, I had a happy childhood, and my parents are the most amazing people you could meet, Matt. My mom is the nicest nurse, and my dad used to be a regular accountant before he retired. I grew up with my little sister and two cats about an hour's drive from here. My parents never raised their hand at my sister or me, and they supported every decision we ever made. Of course, I don't talk with them about my sex life, but I never went through some trauma as I believe you did."
I looked away, and he waited.
"Then why?"
Thomas just smiled. "I believe I am just wired differently than most people. I was always like that, I think. But I am not a psychopath. I enjoy seeing people in pain, and it's arousing for me more than anything, but I still yearn for intimacy. I care about them and understand the consequences that could have on the wrong person. That is why I spent a long time learning about it, trying to understand that and find a way to be happy while not hurting anyone around me," he smiled lightly.
"I discovered that just as there are people like me, there are people of the opposite spectrum. People who derive pleasure from being hurt. Peter was surprised that you've been in my bedroom because I don't let anyone in there until I am positive that my way of pleasure is really for them. I don't want to develop feelings for the wrong person and harm them in the end."
"The way I usually had sex and relationship, for that matter, is not for everyone, even though many may think they are up for that in the beginning. It takes time for each person in a relationship to be really themselves in front of the partner. We all try to look like we are more compatible with the person we want than we actually are. If I don't consider this, I may damage them."
"Then why was it different with me?"
"I can't tell you honestly, Matt. It just was, and it scares me. The way you look at me, I know you are troubled. You struggle with something deep and heavy, and I can somehow see the lines with you. Or I believe I can."
"I believe as well that you do," I looked at him sincerely.
I still hated the idea of giving up completely...
"Then why can't we try it?"
"I would love that, with everything you make me feel. Matt, no one ever made me feel like you did. I love that, but we are getting to the main issue. You are not gay. You get relief from pain in the most magnificent way for me, and with that, you brought me the release I never knew I needed before I met you. If you were gay, I would never let you go. I am worried about how much I would be able to sacrifice to be with you. But you are not gay, Matt. I believe that you are not. And I know I cannot sacrifice one thing, sharing you with a woman and seeing you fall in love with her while I am just a stress relief for you. Not to mention your secret."
"Brandon knows about you," I muttered.
"And who else, except my friends, whom I practically forced you to meet?"
I turned, knowing very well how right he was.
I took his hand in mine and trailed the vein with my finger. I was sad... He watched me with a calm look. "Can't you at least stay work for me?" I looked at him.
Thomas shook his head. "No. It's getting too much now. And it's getting too fast."
"What do you mean?"
"Matt, I liked you since the day you took me to the IT office and started that new laptop for me. I grew more and more appreciation toward you daily. You are weird and impulsive, and you don't have a filter, but the way you care about people in your team and how you can fight for what you think is right is striking for me. Even when I was angry with you, I could still see your twisted point, and I had to appreciate that."
He gently removed my hands from his forearm. "Not to mention that if I had to describe the physical attributes of the perfect guy for me, you would fit that picture hundred percent. The way you smell made it hard for me to be close to you every time you were near. Matt, I was genuinely grateful that you were straight since you were engaged and my boss!"
I couldn't help but smile.
"But I saw how you looked at me, and it was confusing. I tried to think clearly, but you kept saying how beautiful I was to you. You kept staring at my arms and neck, and once you nearly kissed me, damn it!" He crossed his arms.
"I started to think you are bi, at least, but after we talked and you assured me you are straight, I knew this was not a good idea. I don't need this."
.
"So you liked me all that time? I do think you are beautiful. I don't think that way about men. I was honestly surprised by how attracted I was to you, Thomas. But when we first slept together, I understood I can never be like that with anyone else."
"That was the reason I let you in my bed. I saw that, and it was making me crazy! I wanted to get it out of my system. I wanted to get a release and see that it was not worth it. I didn't dare to keep you for months in my basement. That was the reason why I agreed to let you fuck me, actually. I needed you to hurt me and make me see it's not for me! I never liked pain inflicted on me apart from that struggle before overpowering my subs."
I didn't like where this was going. How many times has he tried to get rid of me...?
"You didn't know I never let anyone top me. The way you attacked me back then made me positive that I would be able to resent you or at least not want you after you would take control and hurt me. But you fucking made love to me that night!"
.
He stood up in frustration and towered over me as if he was trying to make me feel guilty about choosing not to be a dick. It's true that I intended to overpower him initially, but I was so glad I didn't do that when I found out it was his first.
"I never had sex like that, damn it! Seriously! Whenever I think I find something to make this toxic thing between us end, you do something that sweeps me off my feet, and I hate it! I seriously hate it! Do you realize we've spent only a single weekend together and then one day after that suit fitting? And look how we act! Why the fuck did you come that Christmas?!"
"I was missing you."
"Fuck you, Matt. I can't do this! I am seriously getting crazy! I wanted to cool down and be apart from you for at least that fucking month to sober up! But no chance!"
"Should I feel sorry about that, Thomas?"
"You are playing with my feelings, Matt, but worse is, I cannot even be mad at you because I genuinely believe you don't know you do it."
"I knew you liked me. I just never knew any of this...."
"Look, Matt. I am too old for a pubertal crush. I don't want this in my life."
I just nodded.
"So you don't want to be with me cos you love me. Makes perfect sense." I felt upset now.
"Stop twisting it, Matt. I don't want to be with you because you could never love me the same way, and everything we have is plain toxic."
.
"Why are you then telling me all this?"
"I don't know, I am trying a new approach. When I have a problem with something, what helps me is getting to know as much as possible about it. I dive into research, and understanding helps me move on or get to terms with it. I am trying to give you all the information you may need to try and move on. Once there is no vague uncertainty, the trill of the unknown somehow fades. Now there is nothing more you need to uncover. You just need to realize that this doesn't have any perspective."
"I understand. So what now?"
"Now, would you please stop making it harder for me?"
"And what about what is hard for me?" I looked accusingly at him.
"What do you mean?"
"What can I do with everything that surfaced from this for me?"
"I don't follow. You again switched into metaphoric Matt." He let his arms fall to his waist.
I looked at him stunned and burst out laughing! He looked shocked and watched me laugh with a confused smile.
.
"I am sorry; it's just the way you said it. It was priceless. You are right; I get like that sometimes. I meant that since I slept with you, things I buried deep within me, urges I suppressed with great effort, are back, and I don't know how to deal with them without you."
"I am sorry, Matt, but I am not the answer you are looking for. This would eventually destroy both of us. There are people who could help you if you'd let them. Being with me, I think you only try to cover one trauma with another."
That annoyed me.
"I don't need a shrink!" I snarled. I hate when people say that to me!
"I cannot force you. I will not, but I cannot do this."
I looked away from him, disappointed and hurt.
.
Thomas shook his head and looked down. "Wait here."
.
.
For those who wish to see the next, before I will post it here, as always, in ten days. >> Chapter 25 - Broken - https://www.patreon.com/posts/my-new-personal-78331600