My Name Is Connor

• ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I haven't had time to write something like this in forever so it was pretty fun. Other stories by me include One or the Other, Gavin's Got Game, Hayden's Story, Shawn's Turn, Teddy Bear, and the After Party. The first five are found here in the gay highschool section and the latter two are in the gay college section. If you do enjoy reading this, you can contact me at wah.stories@yahoo.com.

• ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

I woke up the next morning with a pair of arms wrapped around me. I rolled over and saw that Troye really was laying there. I couldn't believe it. Troye Sharp kissed me and stayed over. The fact that he was drooling on my pillow should have disgusted me but somehow it made him that much cuter.

Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I slithered my way out of his arms and went into the bathroom to freshen up. Troye may have that sexy bed-head look when he wakes up but I look like something out of a horror movie.

For the first few minutes, I just stared back at my reflection. I couldn't see what Troye saw last night. I would try to point some flaws out but I thought everything about me was a flaw. I may have been able to step out onto a stage and perform, but that's all it was, performing. Whenever I was alone with my thoughts, like I was at that moment, my insecurities took over and just looking at myself could make me cry.

"You look so cute." I was startled by his voice. I looked over from the mirror in front of my sink and Troye was standing in the doorway. Somewhere between making out and falling asleep, Troye had lost his shirt so he was standing there in just his sweat pants; I finally got to see what my hands had explored all night.

I had to recompose myself. I couldn't do this to him now. Things were finally looking good, I couldn't risk ruining it by being...well...me. "I don't know what you're talking about." I turned back to the mirror and started to fix my hair.

Troye came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to kiss you." His voice was still groggy from just waking up. He then proceeded to kiss my neck lightly. What I was feeling in that moment was nothing less than bliss.

I couldn't help but let a small sigh out. "How long have you wanted me?" I really wanted to know how long had we been star-crossed lovers.

"I've always known something was up, even when we were kids. I could never pinpoint what it was. All I knew is that it involved you. Last Friday, when I saw you soaking wet, I realized what I had been craving all along. I wanted to kiss you that day but I didn't want to freak you out."

"You know you could have told me." I leaned back and melted into his bare skin. I was never a genius but I knew that was exactly where I was supposed to be.

"You have a girlfriend. I don't know many guys who would risk something like that for someone like me."

I turned around to gaze into his eyes, the reflection in the mirror wasn't enough anymore. "Someone like you? What does that mean?"

His face turned sour. "I already told you last night. I'm not me. I'm who everyone wants me to be. Why would someone want to be with a person like that?"

"You are real with me, aren't you?"

He looked down towards the ground. "Yeah."

"So don't feel that way. You are amazing. Everything about you is perfect. From the way you smile to the way my briefs somehow make your abs look even sexier, I can't get enough of you, Troye Sharp."

That made him smile. He then leaned in and kissed me. It was still so surreal. I couldn't believe any of it. I was so sure that I was dreaming. "You are so amazing, Connor. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life."

"I don't know either."

Troye lifted me up and sat me on the edge of my sink, keeping his hands to my sides. I wrapped my legs around his waist and we just staid like that for a while. He was staring into my eyes and I was staring right back into his. This was something so new to me. All of it. But it seemed so right. I didn't need to do this with anything guy to know that Troye is the one who makes me feel complete. "Do you want pizza? I'm starving."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you'd be thinking about food right now."

"Well I'm really craving some sausage right now. So much that my mouth is watering." Troye winked as he said this.

Last night we didn't have sex. Our hands did roam and there may or may not have been some fondling. But when that fondling may or may not have happened, Troye could tell I was a little reluctant so that's as far as we may or may not have went.

"I'm sure you would." I stared into his eyes some more and I couldn't help but smile. He was so fucking cute that it hurt.

"Why are you smiling?" He started to smile too.

"It's nothing. I just like staring at you and all your sexiness."

"Well it's all yours, baby." He then leaned in and kissed me again. No matter how often he kissed me, I felt myself melt every single time.

"Can I ask you something?" I didn't want to talk about it but it had to be talked about.

"Are you a virgin?"

The look he gave me told me everything. "I'm not. I'm so sorry, Connor. If I knew this would happen, I would have definitely waited for you."

"I'm not mad at you. You are a very attractive jock, I would be shocked if you were a virgin." I kissed him again, reassuring him that I didn't care. "What was it like? Having sex?"

"It wasn't as amazing as I thought it was. Having another person touch you is amazing, but not as mind blowing as I've always imagined it."

"Was it with a guy or a girl?"

"Well my first time doing anything sexual was with a guy but my first time having intercourse was with a chick."

I giggled. "Did you really just say intercourse?"

"What? I can't sound intellectual?"

"It's not that. It's just...everything you say is really cute. Is it a crime to think that?"

"I'd like to think of myself as sexy, not cute. But as long as you are the one saying it to me, I don't mind a bit."

Obviously we had to kiss again. This time the kiss lasted a little longer than it normally did. It was nice having him there.

"So, what was it like? I want to hear every detail about your sex life." I finally said when out lips separated.

"So you know Chad?" I nodded. "Well in middle school, he and I were chilling and the topic of sex came up. Well, after a bit, he and I said we had no idea what to do and we decided we'd help each other out so we wouldn't be too unexperienced. We swapped head a couple times but that was the most we did. The idea of anal came up once, I was going to let him fuck me and then get my turn the next time, but Chad got a date with some chick and decided we should probably stop doing stuff."

I was turned on at this point. I knew I had to behave, though, because I was not in the emotional state to go that far with him. "That sounds really hot."

"It wasn't. It was really awkward the first few times. He was obviously not into giving and only liked receiving. The only reason he sucked me was because I refused to do anything without reciprocation."

"What about your first time having `intercourse?'"

Troye rolled his eyes. "That was actually not too long ago, which is the main reason why I wish it didn't happen. Jada, one of the girls on the cheerleading squad, and I were kinda dating. I was only with her to make people think I was straight and she was only dating me so that she could have a basketball player as a boyfriend. One night while I was drinking, she decided it was time to go all the way. I wasn't really sure but she told me that people would think I was gay if we didn't fuck soon. We ended up doing it, she did most of the work, I didn't know what to do and there were parts of her I really didn't want to touch. The next day when I had sobered up, I was pissed. I wasn't plastered that night but she had taken advantage of me and I told her that we were through."

"When you say recent, how recent do you mean?"

"Less than two months ago." That kinda hurt. I wanted to think he had done this a long time ago. But I shouldn't care. A little over a week ago, he and I thought we'd never talk again. "I promise you I didn't enjoy it, I'm surprised she even got me hard."

I couldn't help but smile, he was trying so hard to make sure I was okay. "The only thing that pisses me off about what you told me is that she took advantage of you."

"Look on the bright side. If we ever do get together like that, you will be my first sober partner."

"That is definitely something I would be proud of. And just so you know, I'm a virgin. So you would be my first everything."

"So you and Spencer have never done anything?" I forgot that he wasn't in the circle that knew Spencer and I weren't actually dating.

"I would never touch her like that. We're just friends. People assumed we were dating and we just went along with it. I didn't want people to know I was gay and she didn't want people hitting on her all the time so it's worked out. It was kinda like your arrangement with Jada but Spencer knows I don't like chicks."

"Wait? Why does Spencer hate me then? I thought she hated me because she could tell I wanted her boyfriend."

"Spencer isn't very forgiving. When she found out what you did to me all those years ago, she cut you out completely. It'll take us a while to show her that you aren't the same person you were back then." I leaned in to kiss him. He didn't kiss back. "Is everything okay?"

Troye gripped onto me a little tighter. I could tell something was wrong. "You're going to hate me."

"What? What is it?" Was he going to end things now? Has he really changed?

"I don't want you to tell your friends about us. You can tell them we're friends. I don't want them to know we're more than that."

"More than that?"

"Connor." He looked up and his eyes seemed to be full of tears. "I want you to be my boyfriend. I...I don't know how I feel about you but I know it's a good feeling. It's the kind that makes me feel warm inside and the kind that gets me through the day. I'm just not ready for the world to know. I don't know if I could handle the looks we'd get out in public. I don't want my paranoia to ruin us so I feel like that's the only way I can do this without freaking. If your friends have kept your secret this long then I know they're trustworthy, but like you said, Spencer hates me. What if we get into a fight and before I am able to apologize for whatever stupid thing I've done, she confronts me in front of everyone?"

I didn't want to believe Spencer would do that, she loves me too much and she knows that I would never forgive her myself if that happened. But I can see where he's coming from. I don't want him to always worry about everyone around us. "I don't think I can take you up on being boyfriends." Troye started to move his hands away from my waist. I quickly grabbed his hands and moved them back. "But that doesn't mean that I can't think about it. My heart says I feel the same way but my head says that I bring people in way too quickly. I need some time before we can label what we have. Okay?"

He slightly grinned. "I guess that's the best I can get."

I kissed him again and this time he kissed back. "Now since we're going to be a secret, you might want to get your sexy ass out of here. Patrick stays over every Sunday night and he can smell jock a mile away."

"I'll see you Monday? After school?" He went back into my room to collect his things.

"Yeah. And just so you know, since we don't have any musical or play going on, I'll only be staying after school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays so you don't have to wait on me Tuesday and Thursday."

"What a coincidence. I don't have that one thing on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore."

"Did you ever have anything on those days?"

He just smiled. "You're right, I gotta go." He grabbed his shirt off the floor and was gone. Last night was something I would never forget. Even though it started off not so great, Troye made it a thousand times better.

I then decided it was time for me to actually get ready for the day because Patrick would be there any minute to take me to go get celebratory ice cream.

Once I finished getting dressed, I grabbed my phone. I saw I had three messages. One was from Spencer, saying that if I needed anything she'd be over to help. Another was from Patrick, asking me what in the world had happened and where I had gone. The last one was from Micah. Shit! I had forgotten all about Micah. This sudden feeling of remorse and fear overcame me.

Micah and I. We were just starting our thing. I can't believe I forgot about him. How could I do that to him? Not even 24 hours ago he and I had our lips jammed together and I was thinking that was the most amazing thing in my life. What was I going to do? I couldn't just end things with Troye, he and I have a connection and there is definitely a lot of pent up desire that I really want to explore. But then I can't just end things with Micah either, he hasn't done anything to make me question his intentions and I know he's right for me.

"Connor! You down here?" Patrick.

"Yeah, man. I was just finishing up." I had to push those thoughts aside for now. Patrick can't know about me and Troye and I can't think of any logical reason as to why I would suddenly have second thoughts about me and Micah without telling him.

Patrick appeared at the bottom of my stairs and his eyes were extremely red. "Where were you last night? One minute we were dancing and the next Spencer told me you had left because you weren't feeling well."

"Sorry. Like she told you, I needed to get home, I already threw up at the party and I knew it would happen again. Were you crying?"

"No. After you left I got a little sad so I drank some more. Let's just say this hangover is killer. Hopefully ice cream will hit the spot."

Like he always did, Patrick gave me a reason to smile. Hopefully this smile could last until after school tomorrow when he's not near me.

The two of us left and we went to some ice cream parlor that one of Patrick's uncles owned. It was a nice little place and Patrick's uncle allowed us to eat for free so it made it that much better. Patrick and I were able to leave last night off the table completely and we talked as if it never happened. Most of what we talked about was the musical and how excited we were to hear some of the locals' opinions on it, Ms. Dennis always had a comment box outside the auditorium so people could say how they felt about the show. The next time she would see all of us, she'd read the reviews.

"Do you think Olivia Benson is cute?" Patrick asked me out of the blue. He was twirling his fingers and wasn't looking me in the eyes. His face was also almost as red as his eyes.

I grinned. I could immediately tell he was into her but I wanted to be an ass. "Do you know who you're talking to?"

He rolled his eyes. "Shut up and answer the question. You're the one with a hot girlfriend and all."

"I think she's cute. And just so you know, she goes by Liv."

He rolled his eyes again. "Thanks. Anything else?" He asked sarcastically.

"She loves the outdoors, her dog's name is Buttercream, she is a fan of the Baltimore Ravens, and she loves to wear the color teal because she thinks it matches her eyes and makes the highlights in her hair more noticeable."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see his fingers stop twirling. I looked up from my bowl of ice cream and saw the look of confusion on his face. "How do you know all of this?"

I knew I shouldn't tell him anything without Spencer but I had to, if I tried to wait he'd just bother me and we'd eventually fight. "Spencer. The two were close back in middle school but now they are kinda estranged because Liv's ex-boyfriend came in-between the two. He didn't like Spencer and told Liv she had to choose between the two of them."

"Damn." He looked a little more confused than he was before I told him. "Wait, why would Spencer tell you all of this and not say anything to me?"

"As a last resort for saving the friendship, she wanted me to befriend Liv so then we could be a group or something. Her boyfriend got even more pissed when I started talking to her. He actually confronted me and told me that I already had Spencer and that I should back off of Liv. All this happened before you and Spencer had become friends."

Now he was full blown confused. "Why am I just now finding out about this? I feel like this should have come up a long time ago. Liv's name has come up in conversations before. You would think Spencer would remember that the two of them used to be friends."

"Liv knows Spencer's secret. After I told Spencer about Liv's boyfriend confronting me, Spencer told me to leave everything alone. She was scared that if either she or I rocked the boat some more, Liv's boyfriend would convince her to hate us. That could possibly lead to Liv or her boyfriend telling everyone Spencer's secret to ruin her."

"And why are you telling me this?" Patrick had all but stopped eating his ice cream, he was more interested in our best friend and her ex-friend.

"Because if you are interested in Liv, you have to know everything going into it. If I didn't tell you know and then Liv mentioned something about me and Spencer, you would be pissed at us and who knows what would have happened."

I was sure he would be pissed, I knew I would if I were in his shoes. To my surprise, Patrick smiled. "You are just like her, you know that right?"

"Like who?" Was he referring to Liv? She and I only talked a few times and I never noticed any similarities in our personalities.

"Spencer."

It was now my turn to be confused. "How so?"

"The two of you are always full of secrets and you know how to keep them all in line. I don't know how you guys do it."

"Our entire lives are based on secrets, Patrick. If it weren't for them, Spencer and I wouldn't exist."

"I have no idea how I'm friends with the two of you," He was smiling so I knew he wasn't serious. "You make everything so complicated. There's always a simple answer and it seems like you guys always think it's the wrong one."

"The life of a gay teenager is complicated so it makes sense to go with the options that could possibly present further complications." Although I was trying to be funny, I knew it was true. What I should have done when I remember that Micah and I were kinda seeing each other was tell the both of them. I knew it wasn't going to happen though.

Our conversation switched from Liv to Pretty Little Liars. I was in love with the show and when they had a marathon on TV, I forced Patrick to watch it with me. He won't admit it, but he loved it just as much as I did.

We eventually decided we had enough ice cream and returned to my place. For the rest of the afternoon, we just watched movies and played video games. At one point, the two of us went upstairs for dinner. All my mom wanted to talk about at the dinner table was how great the musical was. Elle had also gone and all she could talk about was how awesome of a dancer Patrick was, she never once uttered my name. I was pretty sure she had a crush on him, but since she's five and he's sixteen, I don't think it'd really work out right now.

Since I'm not allowed to ever be happy, I got a call during dinner, it was Micah. I excused myself from the table and went into the living room.

"Hey!" I tried to sound like nothing was wrong, even though there was a lot wrong with this situation.

"Hey. I texted you this morning and you never replied. Are you okay?" He sounded really concerned and that made me hurt even more considering what I was doing that morning.

"Yeah. I slept in this morning and completely forgot that I was going to be hanging out with Patrick today. I forgot my phone in the rush and I never thought about checking it when I got back. How are you?" Lying really is a part of me.

"I'm good. I wanted to explain to you what you saw last night." I was confused at first, but then I remembered seeing Kevin flirting with Micah in front of everyone.

"You don't have to explain anything, Micah. I've known Kevin for a while and it was harmless flirting."

"I still feel really bad. I wanted to let you know you're the only guy I have eyes for right now. I don't want you to think I'm some kind of tramp or something." Although that was supposed to make me feel better, I could help but feel like someone had twisted a corkscrew into my throat and just tanked it out.

"I don't think that. I promise." I really wanted to hang up and go cry but I couldn't let on that things weren't alright. I had to be strong. If I wasn't, things would fall apart. Why should I drag everyone else down with me?

"Good." He sounded so relieved and so happy. If only he knew the truth. He'd hate me. That happiness wouldn't exist. "So, what's up?"

"Oh. I was just eating dinner with my family."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to drag you away from them. I'll go."

"It's not your fault I answered so don't worry." Really. Don't. I should be the one worrying since I'm the one who royally fucked everything up before it every started.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah. See ya." I hung up before he could try or say anything cute, I really was on the verge of crying.

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but know I'm here for you sweetie." I looked over and my mom was standing there.

When I couldn't hold it in anymore, she immediately came over and held me. Ever since Dad left, the two of us being in the other's arms was nothing new. I just cried as she held me, giving me something to absorb my tears.

I was good at holding things together, but every now and then, the foundation cracks and I can't hold anything back, everything I could think about that had hurt me in the past few months began to haunt me again.

After about five minutes, I got to the point where I could put a flimsy piece of duct tape over the whole in the foundation and I stopped crying. "Go ahead downstairs." My mom told me. "I'll go change and when I go back into the dining room, I'll tell Elle and Patrick that Dad had called and you just needed some time. Okay?"

I just nodded. It had happened before; dad calling. The second I heard his voice, I hung up and broke down immediately. Patrick knew about that incident so he'd believe my mom. I just wished I could tell her what was actually happening. But if I told my mom I was essentially cheating on Micah, would she just see me as Dad? I didn't want to risk that. I couldn't lose both of my parents like this. It's one thing when they die, unless they committed suicide, they couldn't control leaving you. But when your mother or father chooses to leave you, you can't help but feel responsible and feel like everything about you is a mistake. I knew I wasn't good enough for my dad, I couldn't give my mom the chance to realize I wasn't good enough for her either.

I went downstairs and immediately put my earbuds in and listened to music. I wanted to leave this world for as long as I could and music gave me that escape I needed. When Patrick finally came down, I had actually fixed the foundation with something better than duct tape and I was no longer on the verge of breaking down.

Patrick didn't say anything to me, he just came over to where I was laying down and wrapped his arms around me, even though I was smiling when I saw him. He just held me and told me that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe him, but only if he knew what was really going on, he would know that there is no okay in this situation.

Patrick eventually turned the TV on and we watched some comedy, I wasn't really sure what it was. It did lift my spirits and the fact that Patrick never once let go of me made everything that much better.

The next day, Patrick and I met Spencer outside the school. "You really need to learn how to use your phone." Spencer complained to me. "You never responded to anything I sent you yesterday. If it weren't for Patrick, I would have been sure you were kidnapped."

"I'm sorry, your highness." I curtsied. "I was feeling like a technophobe yesterday. Haven't you had those days before?"

She looked at me as though I was stupid. "I live on my phone, Connor. I have a second battery in my bag because I can run one down before school ends and I can't go that long to get to a charger."

I rolled my eyes. "You are definitely a rare breed, you know?" I looked at her and smiled.

She obviously didn't think it was funny. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Anyways," Patrick interrupted. "Dusty told me that Mr. Lewman is giving a pop quiz on photosynthesis."

"That's not a pop quiz." Spencer snapped back at him. "It was in the syllabus he gave us at the beginning of the year."

"You are so anal." Patrick said with a laugh. I couldn't help but smile with him.

Spencer scoffed at the idea and made a dramatic exit stage right. I would never understand the mechanics of Spencer and Patrick's friendship. She really is anal and he's so laid back, they rarely ever existed on the same plane.

The day went on and nothing eventful occurred during school. I got through all my classes, I even passed the quiz Mr. Lewman gave us. After school, I talked to Ms. Porter about the advanced class, letting her know I would definitely take it. Everything was going bad and I didn't want to wait any longer and allow something bad to happen to this opportunity.

At the drama club meeting, Ms. Dennis read the reviews. Most of them were positive but there were some very rude ones. The review that stuck out to me the most was "The guy who played Marco could get it whenever." Ms. Dennis didn't understand what the person was saying and this made it that much funnier for everyone in the room besides me, who was more than embarrassed.

After she dismissed us for the day, I basically ran out of the room. I could face Micah and I knew he'd want to talk after the meeting ended. Troye was sitting in his car outside and I got into the passenger seat and kinda ducked, Micah didn't know Troye and I were friends so I was hoping he wouldn't look over here if he came looking, but I had to be sure.

"Everything okay, James Bond?" Troye asked.

"Everything's perfect." I had focused my eyes on the auditorium doors, waiting for everyone else to come out.

"Good." I then felt his hand on my thigh. "You know I meant it, right?"

"Meant what?" I remained vigilant, people started to come out and I was now watching for Micah.

"You can get it whenever you want."

It took me a second but I made the connection. Suddenly Micah catching me no longer mattered. My heard spun so fast to look at him. "That was you?!"

He smiled. "Yeah. I didn't know that I would be kissing you later that night so I thought I'd tell you what I wanted anonymously."

"You embarrassed me in front of everyone." I was actually slightly upset with him.

"I'm sorry." He actually looked hurt.

Everything inside me that made me upset with him suddenly evaporated. "It's okay. Just don't do it again. Okay?"

"I'll try. It's hard not writing you adorable messages."

"What's so adorable about you saying I could get it whenever."

He sat there for a second. "I don't know. But I was thinking of you when I was writing it and you're adorable."

I leaned in to kiss him but it didn't happen. Troye leaned back and kinda pushed me away. He nodded towards the groups of people outside his car and I remembered we weren't in a private place.

After that, we were eventually on our way to my place. Troye was going to be staying for dinner. I knew it probably wasn't the best idea since I had a breakdown last dinner, but I texted him and invited him while Patrick and I were out the other day. I knew dinner would be interesting, but my life had been nothing but interesting the past week so I was ready for it.

• ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

Every time I read a story of Nifty, I never read the top part, so just in case you are like me and only read the bottom portion if you liked the story, here is my email again: wah.stories@yahoo.com. If you email me, please state what story you're referring to. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a fantastic day. :)

I have decided to restart an e-mail list to let you all know when a new chapter is released. Please let me know my e-mail if you are interested in this. If there aren't many, I may not do it.

Please donate to Nifty.org! Your donations keep this amazingwebsite running and gives us a place to escape from reality every now andthen. If you donate, the likelihood of me falling in love with you increases tenfold so please consider it.

• ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -