I mashed on the brakes as I sped too quickly into a parking space right outside the front doors of my dormitory. I saw Alex's car, and I stormed through the front lobby causing a few stares from annoyed receptionists and students. I didn't give a shit. I walked to the elevator and when the doors opened I sort of punched the button to take me to my floor. Once the doors open, a lot of loud music entered my ears. Since it was the weekend and there was a social going on, curfew would be extended to 12:00. Many doors were wide open with rap or hip-hop music blaring from inside. I could see from all the girls that many guys were successful in sneaking girls up and into their rooms. A lot of familiar faces called me into their dorms as I walked by asking me to join them, but I ignored them and continued to storm toward my room.
Once I got to my door I slipped the key in pretty quietly as not to be heard by Alex and the girl he had with him. Once the lock clicked, I threw the door open pretty quickly and walked through the small doorway in the back to where the bedroom was. Alex sat straight up in bed, and seemed to be surprised to see me. He looked upset to have been interrupted, and I was pretty startled by what I saw.
Alex was lying in my bed, face up at the ceiling with his hands crossed behind his head. The girl was lying in his bed in the same position. They looked a lot like Alex and I often did as we chatted before bed or in between classes. I looked at them both for a second and they looked back at me. It didn't appear that they had hurriedly put their clothes back on, and by the state of the neatly made beds it didn't seem they had sex at all. I was still furious.
"I hope you too are done." I said with disgust in my voice, making it obvious I thought they were having sex. "Because I'm damn tired." They just continued to look at me; the girl seemed to be examining me pretty close. "So get the hell out." I said.
"Relax Shea." Alex said standing up and putting a hand on my shoulder. I knocked it off. He looked really confused. "This is Carly. She's... a friend."
"My ass." I said pulling my shirt off and throwing it on the floor. "Sorry to break this up." I said falling onto my bed.
"Nice to meet you, Shea." Carly said to me in a sweet sing-song voice. "I think you have a beautiful name." Her eyes gazed down at me, locking me into a stubborn gaze.
I paused for a moment, and then shook her hand, weakly and briefly.
"Nice to meet you, Carly." I said showing my un-enthusiasm.
"What the hell is your problem?" Alex said, stepping towards me.
"I asked you to leave." I said rolling over and turning off the lamp on the nightstand that separated our beds. "Sorry if you didn't get a chance to finish before I sent you out." I said as they turned to leave.
I was fighting really hard not to break down right there and cry. The tears were welling up and it felt like they were going to burst out at any moment.
As they walked out I stuffed my head into my pillow and began to cry, loudly. Alex stopped and turned towards me.
"Shea...?" He said, but I ignored it and stifled my cries.
For much more of the night, before I fell asleep, I cried silently into my pillow. I felt so upset with myself and him. Upset because I mistreated Alex and Carly. Even more so for being afraid to tell him how I felt. I hated myself that night, and I hated God for making me gay. I wanted to be like everyone else. I was sick of lying up at night praying to God that the next day I'd finally find someone to be with. Even if I didn't fall in love right then at that point in my life, I wanted someone to share my current life with. A boyfriend; even if it would end in break-up. Everyone else got that, even a lot of gay teenagers, but I didn't and I hated it. I felt so alone and so isolated.
About half an hour after he had left, Alex came back into our room. He walked over to my bed and whispered my name, but I pretended to be asleep. He sat on the edge of my bed and put his hand on me. He rubbed it over my back, as if consoling a weeping child.
"I'm sorry." He whispered into the black night. "I'm sorry, Shea."
He went to his bed, and looked around for something. Obviously not finding what he was looking for, he pulled off his pants and crawled into bed with only his briefs on. He rolled over and watched me for a minute, and then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.
The next morning was gruesome. I woke up after what should have been the best night of my life, feeling like crap. My head pounded and my eyes hurt.
It was a weird thing that happened to me when I was under stress. I sat up slowly, as not to aggravate my headache, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My comforter twisted around my waist and lower stomach and I struggled to remove it. Alex was awake and laughed a little to see me fight with an inanimate object.
"Good morning, Shea." He said quietly, still tired.
"What's good about it?" I snapped, standing up and crossing the room. "I'm having a sauna." I added in a tone that told him he was unwelcome.
I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I opened the large shower door and flipped the shower heads to scolding hot; then, I stepped outside of the shower and closed the door. I slid my briefs down and examined myself in the mirror. Rowing had done wonders to me this season. I was finally getting the more muscular body I had eagerly awaited since puberty started a few years ago. My strong defined pecks gave way to a beautifully sculpted eight pack, which melted down to my cock. I trimmed my unwanted pubic hair quite often, and I knew Alex did the same so I wasn't embarrassed by it. We also both often shaved some of our un-needed body hair, but I kept my little line of hair from belly-button to groin. Alex said he liked it. It felt good to have my cock hanging freely, especially when I stepped into the steamy shower. I sat on the bench, enjoying the warmth enveloping my body and cradling me softly in a warm caress. I sat there for awhile thinking about Alex. I looked down at my cock; it was something to be proud of. Five inches soft and seven inches hard. It wasn't massive, but I didn't want it to be. The steam in the room seemed to almost tickle me as it whirled around my body. The sauna was usually a sensual place for me to jack off but I was feeling pretty down today.
Without warning, Alex came through the shower door and sat down on the bench, next to me. I gazed, as he walked in, at his cock, swinging back and forth. Alex was about four inches soft and I had never seen him hard, so I didn't know how big he was. As he walked, his cock was so close to my face, I fought getting aroused by focusing on why I was mad at him. When he sat on the small bench, his thigh touched mine from his butt to his knee. I thought harder of why I was mad at him. He leaned back against the wall and let his stomach flex showing his hard six-pack. I stared ahead trying to look angry.
"Shea, we gotta talk about what was bothering you last night." Alex said, looking at me expecting an answer for my rudeness.
"There's nothing to talk about." I said, standing and walking out.
I walked to my dresser, pulled on some clothes, grabbed my keys, and left before Alex even got out of the shower. I drove out to breakfast and ate a massive amount of food. Then I went to see a movie, choosing to "forget" about mass. It was depressing sitting through the movie all alone. Usually I would have been with Alex. I couldn't even figure out why I was so upset.
Though I felt like Alex was leading me on, it could have all just been my wishful thinking. I didn't have the right to expect that he would be mine and no one else's.
Even after I came to this conclusion, it took a couple of days for me to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and talk to Alex. I knew I had to, but I kept putting it off. So for a couple of days things were different then they had been ever since we arrived at school. I went to class alone, and steered away from Alex at meal times. On Monday night I went to my final crew practice where we debriefed about the season. After getting home I enveloped myself in my studies and ignored Alex when he came in from lacrosse. I pretended not to hear him as he made futile attempts to talk to me and ask what was wrong. I spent a lot of time playing my guitar to. I like to sing and write. I distracted myself with my music in order to forget about my anger. Before bed I just rolled toward the wall when he told me goodnight.
I knew how petty and childish I was acting, but I would feel like an idiot asking him to accept my apology when he didn't even know why I was upset. I was being selfish, and I didn't like myself for feeling that way. The argument seemed like it would blow up on Wednesday night; I could tell Alex was loosing his patience.
It started like all of the previous days leading up to it. But it would end as one of the most emotional days of my life. I rolled groggily out of bed at 8:00 am. I crossed the room to the bathroom and stood under the shower for a short time, then went to my dresser and got dressed. Down at breakfast I sat with some members of my crew team. I ate only a little bit of food and then headed back to my dorm to get some books and supplies for U.S. History. Alex was in the room. I walked passed him and got my things, quietly, then returned to the door. Just as I opened it, Alex pushed it shut from behind me.
"I'm sick of this bull-shit, Shea." He said. "Will you grow up and tell me what's wrong?"
I looked down at my feet, ashamed that I had made this such an issue, even though it wasn't a big deal at all. I looked up, opened the door, and left, once more lacking the courage to tell him. He seemed to give up for the time being and let me go. As I walked to class I thought hard about the situation.
Alex didn't deserve to be treated like this. I was acting like a child and had no reason to justify it. After all, most teenage guys wrestled around and it was my fault for taking it as a signal. If Alex wanted a girlfriend, I'd just have to deal with it. This certainly wouldn't change the fact that I cared about him, or that I wanted to be with him, but I had to respect any decision he made. I would rather be his friend than nothing. Now I had to think of how to tell him. I couldn't just come right out and say I was gay.
But then again, there was little other choice. I decided I'd go into the whole thing cautiously, waiting for any red flags that might signal me not to go any further. I would have to be subtle at first and then tell him towards the end of the conversation. Maybe I could even lie my way out, make him think I was just bothered by him bringing a girl up without me knowing... no. That wouldn't work. And like I said, he didn't deserve to be lied to. I hesatated a bit as the large building where my History class was came into view. After a moment I clenched my free fist and turned back to the dorm. Alex would still be there. A little perspiration formed on my palms.
I entered the dorm room after stopping for a minute outside the door and collecting my thoughts. I walked in and found Alex laying on his bed and it looked like he had been crying. I walk over and he sat up. I sat on the opposite side of the bed and began to talk.
"Alex... you're my best friend. We know each other better than anyone else, but there's something I haven't told you. You only really know half of who I am." It's hard to describe how nervous I was at this point. I thought I was about to loose my best friend in the world. "So, what I need to tell you is..." My voice trailed off and I couldn't find the strength to continue. He leaned in and put a hand on my shoulder.
"It's O.K., Shea." He said in a soothing voice that gave me confidence. "Nothing you can tell me will change the friendship that we have. I care about you a lot. You know that." He gently squeezed his stung hand around my shoulder.
It seemed as though the whole world stood still as I breathed in the thick air to let out my words to Alex. Everything was still and quiet, as if life itself was on the cusp of my realization of what was about to happen.
"I'm gay Alex." I said simply, already feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." I continued feeling as though I had done something wrong. "I wanted to so bad. Ever since I met I've cared so much about you and I've wanted to be with you. And then, when I saw you with that girl I just assumed the worse and I blew up. I'm so sorry I treated you like that, neither of you deserved it. I just had everything that had ever happened between us built up in my mind as if you were giving me signals. So I was so sure I would have you... and when I found out I wouldn't I just broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore. Oh, Alex," I said gazing longingly into his eyes, trying to grasp from his look what he was thinking. "I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to be like this. I just am." I sighed and then took a deep quivering breath as I waited for his response.
Tears were flowing freely now and I looked up and thought I saw some in his eyes as well. I decided to continue with my explanation.
"Say something, Alex." I said pleadingly. "I didn't mean to make you upset. Please forgive me. I... didn't know how to tell you. And I was going to tell you before the regatta and then none of this would have happened, but I just got scared and I didn't know what to -"
He interrupted me. "Sorry Shea," he said, "But are you almost done." I looked at him, afraid of what he was thinking.
"Why?" I asked
"Because," Alex replied simply and lovingly. "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time." He touched his strong palm to my cheek and began to lean his face into mine. His powerful scent washed over my as I shut my eyes allowing his beautiful face come in closer to mine. I could feel the presence of his lips close to me before they had even reached mine. There seemed to be a current between us that caused me to shiver. Finally, his soft lips reached mine and held them in a sweet kiss for a few short seconds. When he pulled away we both opened our eyes a bit and stared longingly into one another's eyes.
"I... I- " I muttered, trying to find words to cross my blessed lips.
"You've said enough." He said laughing, pressing his index finger to my mouth.
The tears came even harder now and I pressed my face into his chest and cried harder than ever. All of the pain and anger and fright were taken away from me in those short seconds. Months of secrecy and all along the feelings I felt for him were mutual. My heart felt light and my soul soared. It felt amazing to have my face buried safely in his bosom, and to have his strong arms holding me to close to his body. We sat like that for a long time and soon the sun went down. Alex had to leave for lacrosse only when I insisted he go, telling him I'd be fine waiting until he got back. Why wouldn't I be?
So when Alex returned my life seemed to come to full circle. We sat up late and talked. I shared with him all of my deepest thoughts, fears, and frustrations, as did he. It turned out he had felt for me almost as long as I had felt for him. Before we slept we talked, and laughed and shared parts of our lives we never could before. I was so happy to be with him.
When we finally got too tired to continue our conversation, and after so much information was shared there was little left to say, we decided to go bed. We pushed the two small twin beds together. We both stripped down to out briefs, and I crawled into the nest of blankets first. Alex came in after me cuddling up so his chest was pressed firmly against my back. His arms came around me and I held on to his hand as he pulled me close to him. It seemed as though we pressed to tightly together we were one body. I was amazing to feel his warm breath on my neck, his strong arm under my cheek, his hard torso stretched over my curved back. I felt his crotch pressed warmly against my butt, and it felt warm and pleasant. His legs and mine were tangled together at the bottom of our beds. His smooth skin sent me blissfully to sleep. And soundly we both slept in one another's embrace.
It felt as though for the first time in my life, things were finally right.
Sorry this one took so long.
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