My Girlfriend Made Me Do It

I told you it wouldn't be too long. I'm not too much a fan of promptness, and I don't have much clout with you guys after the six months I've been gone. Plus... writing about N'sync can get boring sometimes, because I really really REALLY can't stand listening to them. Have you heard all that crap Justin's been calling music lately? He pisses me off more than Avril Lavigne.

Also, its spring, as u know, and I joined an intramural softball league back in February, so that's been keeping me kind of busy. After Austin gets done with his spring break, I've been thinking about taking my story past N'sync and interacting him with his friends back home primarily, with a few celebrity cameos. That will change my format significantly, so voice your opinions if you want me to go somewhere else with it. Actually, I'm probably going to do whatever I want anyway, but at least I can pretend to be interested, huh?

Well, my turnout this update was my lowest ever. I did hear from a few new fans, who seem to be spread out all over the world, which is cool. But I know a lot of people gave up waiting on me, and there's no way to nag them back. I even had to nag the three or four readers I keep somewhat in touch with to read it, so I'm pretty sure I might try and move it to another genre sometime in the future. Someone also suggested I set up a newsgroup, but I'm an idiot when it comes to networking and web stuff. Well, I'm an idiot in a lot of stuff, but computers especially.

I have a storyboard already written for my next two chapters after this one, I just have to sit down and right them. We'll see if the university will allow me some leisure time. Thanks for sticking with me ladies and gentleman. Enjoy the read.

The wind was cool on my back as I stepped out into the night, away from the shadow of the shoddy grizzled building. I could still hear the noise of muffled laughter from behind the chipped particle boards, but underlying that was a faint rumbling from the party out back. The street before me was empty, the cool black asphalt stretching immeasurably ahead, like a lonely symbol for my life. As a few stray newspapers were swept into the air by the lackluster breeze, I could hear palm fronds shaking against each other from across the street in the central plaza park stretched to the left of me, empty, dark, and ominous. A chill ran up my spine as I started to shuffle back up the road, the ocean less than a dozen yards to my right and my hotel a white backlit Spanish colonial palace that I could barely glimpse over the tips of the tropical foliage.

As my footsteps echoed against the tarmac, I kept running explanations through my head about why Josh would treat me so carelessly. Before tonight, I thought I had been his number one concern. As insecure as I was, it was nice being somebody's favorite person, and being taken care of. I thought Josh understood me like no one else ever had. Was I just being really selfish? Maybe I had made a big mistake. I stopped suddenly, debating going back. I was halfway to the hotel. Maybe I was over exaggerating. Couples go through hard times, maybe this was just one of those times. Should I throw everything away because of this one little incident? But maybe we weren't quite a couple. If we cared so much for each other, why did we get so angry so quickly? I refused to glance back at the Beaumont.

Forget it. If Josh really cared about me he would've at least come looking for me by now. It had almost been forty minutes since I had gotten up off the couch. He hadn't even realized I'd left. Was I being selfish? In what fucking way? It's suddenly selfish to ask to be talked to at a party by your boyfriend? That's just retarded.

Josh can come find me. I'm not going to go running back to him like some little loser. I started walking further down the street, my resolve stiffened as I realized how right I was. Josh had no right to be so rude to me like that. And whoever the fuck that trick he was with thought she was, she could kiss my ass.

My mind was going a thousand places, and I decided to not even think about Josh and the girl. It wasn't worth wasting my effort. I just concentrated on getting home, getting out of all this business. Maybe I would call him later next week and explain a few important things to Josh. I would've told him that after this week, and how close we've gotten, I would've been willing to step over my self-defined line for him. Before tonight, I was just about to start letting go of my insecurities and start admitting that I had serious bisexual tendencies, and I would've started to accept it about myself. I would've started to accept my love for him instead of constantly locking him out, hoping it would all go away. I would've started to really find myself with him, and start enjoying myself with him. But as I made it to the entrance to the parking lot of my hotel, I decided that that just wasn't going to happen anymore.

In the back of my mind, I was still kind of expecting to hear Josh come running up behind me and calling "Austin, wait." Just like he did that very first night. I needed him to do that. I willed him to. But once I made it all the way to the front desk and he still hadn't come, I lost hope that he ever would. I had thought that when I found Josh, I had found someone that I could really trust. Someone who would start to really appreciate me, understand me completely and support me instead of only wanting me for my body, like most of the girls I've dated. Josh was supposed to be that person.

I guess I had been all wrong about Josh. Now that I thought about it, I had been basing all these good feelings of Josh and how perfect he was only when we were having good times together. When things were good, they were phenomenal, but when things went bad, they were so horrible. That wasn't the way a relationship was supposed to go. I needed him, and after this weekend, I wouldn't get much chance, and my love and faith would slowly splinter the longer I spent away from him.

As I got into the gilded gold elevator and rode it up to the fourth floor, I decided to close my heart to him now, to save myself the pain later. It was better not to get too attached than to suffer for the rest of my life wondering if he could have been that person I've been looking for so long. I'd been trying to tell myself this all along.

I keyed open my room to find it exactly as I left it, the darkness pierced by the light coming in behind me from the hallway. As my eyes adjusted to the change in light, I saw that the room was a complete wreck from the party. Joey had left out the little shot bottles all over the glass dining table, and everyone had left one or two empty glasses on every surface in the room. The floor was littered with people's towels and clothing. The glass door to the patio was slightly ajar, and the cool breeze was softly billowing the white cotton curtain.

Love fucking sucks. You open your heart out to somebody....and they just treat you like you don't even exist.

"I thought I mattered to you, Josh!" I shouted out loud into the empty room. "I thought I was important. I thought... ...I thought you loved me." I sniffed, almost letting an emotion escape. But I am tougher than that.

I tossed my keycard towards the kitchenette area and furiously ripped off my shirt, I think losing a few buttons on the way. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I find the right person? Does Josh even miss me? Tears continued to develop in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall as I kicked off my sandals and left them right near the door and walked further into the room. I reached the dining room table, and even though I was already pretty buzzed, I picked up the last of the shots and downed them as fast as I could. I dumped out my phone and wallet on the dining room table, where they got a little wet from the spilled shots, and I took off towards the bedroom, loudly shoving open the double doors.

Did Josh not even realize how much that hurt me? Did he think that I didn't have feelings, too? So I was Rocky Reiter, and nothing could get to me. But this did. It hurt so much! I thought he knew me! I thought he knew who I really was. Was he even a little bit sensitive at all? I took a look around the bedroom, and all I could see were signs of Josh. His clothes from this morning were still in a neatly folded pile on top of the bed, which was lightly ruffled from when we had messed around a little before heading out to the pool. His laptop carryon was leaning against the closet door, his loose change in a pile on the table under the mirror, and all I could smell was his damn cologne. I couldn't sleep in here.

Hands shaking, I ripped off the bedspread, top sheet and pillows and carried them back into the living room, where I dumped them on the couch and arranged what seemed like a comfortable enough bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the glowing blue face of my phone off the edge of the dining room table. My blue ticket out. This was it. I slowly got up off the couch, hearing it creak below me as I carefully tread across the soft, white carpet, and circled around. I watched the phone from across the room for a second.

I looked at my watch again. It had taken me barely ten minutes to get over here. Maybe I should wait. Maybe the girl was the daughter of a friend of his parents. Maybe she was an intern at another record label Josh hoped to work with. Maybe she knew some people who could help him put together a solo album. But all I could hear was them laughing, kicking up old times and acting like old lovers. Then it hit me. Maybe that's who she was. She was probably his fucking ex. Without even realizing it, I had reached the designer glass table and picked up the steel colored plastic. I flipped the top to read the glowing blue face, which told me I had received no messages.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip. For some reason I had so been hoping to see the little flashing envelop on that screen to tell me I had some voice mail. I had so been hoping to hear his voice, a little panicky and a little neurotic, asking where I was and to please call him right back because he was worried about me and wanted to talk. I closed the phone and set it back down.

My wallet was right next to a tiny bottle of Jack that was lying on its side in a small pool of whiskey. My eyes traveled over the worn in crease lines on the soft brown leather. I'd had this wallet since I was fifteen. The stitching was a little loose and the label long ago torn off. There were little slips of paper peaking out of the bill fold; mismatched, disorganized receipts that I never really kept track of but I always seemed to stash. That folded piece of brown leather slowly staining itself with alcohol held a card that told me how to make long distance phone calls, and it gave me a bunch of numbers to dial to get the right calling area.

Just one phone call and I'd be out of here. I'd be out of Cancun, away from MTV and N'sync, and Josh. The man I had thought I was so hopelessly in love with. Away from everything.

I'd be away from all the problems that I had walked right into coming down here. Exactly one week ago, I had been frantically packing my suitcase, anticipating what was going to happen when I landed in LA. I had been planning on taking Josh aside and telling him that I had just wanted to be friends, that I didn't go with the gay thing too well, and that I was sorry, I really really liked him, but him being my best friend would be as far as it would go.

But once I saw him in the airport, I had immediately fallen for him, almost right on the spot. He looked so glad to see me, and so adorable... I didn't know what to think. And I had been distracted from my plan to keep him just a friend by my anger directed at Justin. So I delayed giving Josh the just-friends speech, and instead gave a lets-slow-things-down speech instead.

But just when things were settling down, almost right away, Justin made (or seemed to make) a move toward josh. I hadn't even had time to think over my growing feelings for Josh before I rushed to claim him before Justin could. Even though I had been the one who wanted to keep us apart, I couldn't let him go so easily.

As the week went on, and we started to prepare to come to Cancun, I had considered my love for Josh and found comfort in it. Maybe I really did love him, I thought. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I couldn't get enough of him. With Justin no longer an enemy, and a new need to defend Josh from Chris's insults, I fell right into place as his lover, and hadn't looked back since.

But a lot had changed, even since the plane ride this morning. Josh had been falling further and further away from me, through other people's interference. And his brush off tonight told me an important thing about our relationship. I had gone into this headfirst, without thinking it over or timing it out. It went by too quick, way too quick. One week? Who did that? I somehow went from this straight jock boy to bi-curious love puppy in one week, and now I doubted my own sincerity. Could you find love in less than a week? Did I really love Josh? Did he love me?

I picked up my wallet and phone, and I carried them over to my bed on the couch, and sat there solemnly, staring into the black screen of the TV, for almost a full hour. An hour! Debating within myself whether I should just bow out now. Did I love Josh? Did I even know what love was? If I did love him, why did I doubt it? If he loved me, why wasn't he here with me?

At three thirty in the morning, he still hadn't called. He hadn't come by, and he hadn't left a message. I made my decision. I needed more time to think about everything, and I couldn't make my decision in this kind of environment, where I felt threatened by these people I called my new friends.

Lisa. What was with her little double entendres and flirty eyes. She just kept confusing me. Was I straight? Or did I only convince myself that I was attracted to her, in order to tell myself I was still straight.

Justin. He had his own issues to deal with, why couldn't he just leave me alone. Those looks he had been shooting my way... they made me so uncomfortable. I felt like he might try something, maybe hit on me or something, if he thought he had a shot, and he got between me and Josh.

Sara. Her words from earlier echoing in my mind, "I didn't say you were gay..." I hate that word so much. When did I change? When did I accept begin gay? I haven't accepted anything. Josh just rushed it out of me.

Why did Josh bring me into this? Why did he have to be like this. Why did I have to meet him, and turn my life completely upside down. This wasn't fair. Josh was supposed to be different. But now... ... Now he was just like everyone else. He only wanted me because he liked the way I looked.

With trembling hands, still fighting to hold back any emotion, I flipped open my wallet. And the very first picture I saw in my photo album was of me and Jen. I remembered that picture like it was yesterday.

Rumble Rumble Rumble. The massive arena crowd was still roaring audibly as the motocross racers were revving their engines behind their prospective fences at the center of the arena. The crowd was still gasping out loud as the start of the race neared. I glanced across from our seat in the stands at the large digital clock over the Budweiser-sponsored Jumbo Vision, and it was counting down another four minutes until the race.

"You know what? I'm actually kind of excited about this," said Jen next to me. She pushed back a strand of her jet black hair behind her ear as she looked up at me, and I smiled in appreciation. I was so glad she decided to come with me. She looked so adorable in my oversized dark gray UW sweatshirt, one arm entangled in mine, the other clutching a half empty root beer ThirstBuster. I think I shivered in happiness. My eyes melted into her beautiful brown ones and I leaned in for a quick little peck on the lips.

"Woooh!!! Let's start this shit, already!" From my other side came the screams of my buddy Andy. He was wearing a beer guzzlers cap, or whatever it is, with the pipes and the beer cans attached to the helmet, and a sponsored motorcycle brand T shirt over his denim jacket. On the other side of him sat Sunny, his pretty, platinum blond girlfriend. She looked across Andy at me and rolled her eyes. I laughed, and squeezed Jen's hand.

Over the loudspeaker, a voice called out, "With less than four minutes to go, would everyone please stand for our national anthem."

As the two of us got to our feet, automatically placing our hands over our hearts (our other hands were still clasping each others) we just stared at each other as our mouths recited the lyrics. Her eyes were so beautiful, so open; I wanted to drown in those dark brown pools. "And the rockets red glare..." As the patriotic verses continued, I saw that cute little smile of hers make a snapshot of itself in my brain. My heart literally started racing as the song ended with that final, long note, and then everyone began cheering, setting off noisemakers and whistling. Everyone was hugging everyone else and clapping, Andy and Sunny were whistling wildly, so I took the opportunity and hugged my Jenny-bunny so tight. I held my arms around her dainty shoulders, and kissed her softly at the part of her neck that met her ear, loving the taste of the soft beautiful flesh. And as I reflected on all the rushing feelings I felt whenever I was around her, I leaned in close and whispered softly in her ear, "I love you."

It was the first time I had ever said it to her, first time I had ever said it to anybody, and as I pulled away from her, she had the most intense look in her eyes, and the biggest smile. I couldn't hear her over the crowd, and roaring engines, and the screaming enthusiasm of Andy and Sunny behind me, but she mouthed back, "I love you too." Her eyes were in tears she was so happy. I had never felt more happy than I had that night, I hugged her so tight and so close, and we just held each other, crying into each others shoulders and slowly, lovingly swayed our bodies together. We missed the starting gate and the race was on, but I had already won.

"Hey you two lovebirds!" said Sunny from behind us, her face behind a snapshot camera and Andy's arm slung casually over her shoulder. "Say cheese!" Schwink.

That was such a moment for me, a moment that I thought I would cherish forever. And I realized to my dismay that I had no pictures of Josh. I had no indication of my ties to him, whatsoever, whereas my wallet was full of thousands of memories of the past year, which is probably the last time I cleaned out my wallet. Was this some sort of sign?

The first time you say I love you is supposed to be some magic event, something you'll remember forever. When I had said those words to Josh, it wasn't even me saying them, it was this jealous, adrenalin fuel that had said them. I had used the words because I hadn't wanted to lose Josh, not because I loved him. It was so selfish. Maybe I didn't deserve Josh after all. Maybe he realized that, and was giving up on trying to make it work between us, when the deck was so heavily stacked against us.

I pulled out a plastic gray card from the back of my billfold, and turned it over in my hand. Josh needed someone who wouldn't make trouble with all his friends, and wouldn't make a mess of things almost as soon as he got there. The card gave me a list of access numbers that I needed to dial if I was calling from outside the country. The United States was listed as 011.

My hand seemed to automatically flip open my phone. My tears gone, and that picture of Jen still burning in my mind, I slowly dialed the number. 0. 1. My finger hovered over the one key. Come on you fucking pussy. 1.

I had to dial 1 + my area code, which was 206. Then I had to dial my dad's cell phone, which was 555-8109. What kind of boyfriend uses "I love you" as an excuse to get Josh into bed? Isn't that exactly what happened? Maybe I just didn't deserve to be with anyone. I didn't deserve to be loved; I didn't deserve anything.

The dial tone was ringing now.

Once. Brrrrring. "You won't be without a shield Austin. You'll have an even bigger one, one that I helped make, and I would be so happy to be underneath it than outside of the other ones." Right. Then why aren't you here under my shield right now?

Twice. Brrrrring. "Josh, I would never leave you. Ever!" I had said that a few days ago, after Josh got all jealous of Justin. I had never doubted myself then. And josh hadn't given me anything to doubt until now.

Three times. Brrrrring. A click, then my dad's voice mail picked up. I knew the message by heart.

"Hi, you've reached Sean Lockhart. If you're a client, please dial the office at (206) 555-7148 to make an appointment. If not, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I..."

Toomb, Toomb, Toomb!

I knew who it was even before I opened the door, and I waited outside the door a minute to collect my thoughts before I pulled it open. I disconnected the call I was making, and I decided that no matter how much he pleaded and begged and cried, I was going to tell him that I needed to sort shit out, and that nothing he could stay would stop me. I was going back home. I had enjoyed my time, and my feelings were still strong for him, but this was all too much for me. I couldn't handle balancing my own emotions, waiting patiently for him to get out of the limelight, at the same time avoiding a public relationship, maintaining my own reputation, warding off advances from Justin and Lisa, and being a good boyfriend.

My thoughts weighing down my shoulders so that I slumped like a gargoyle, I pulled open the door, my phone still in my hand, and there he was, looking haggard and disheveled, as if he had spent the last few hours looking for me.

"Of course you'd be here, it was the most obvious place, and so of course I didn't even think to look here," he said, smiling, all out of breath. He held out his arms for me, looking so comforting and open... but I hesitated.

Maybe he's lying, a tiny skeptical voice in me said. If he was up all night looking for you, why didn't he just call you? It would have been an easy way to find out where you were. You were just about to get the hell out of here, and he shows up at the last minute and you just hug him like nothing happened? Bull shit, Reiter, grow some balls. You're not some pussy ready to just take him back; he didn't seem too sad when you left that party, right? Don't forget why you were leaving.

Josh's arms slowly lowered themselves back down to his sides, once he realized I wasn't going to hug him. His entire expression looked crushed, his eyes boring into me, his expression curious. I avoided looking into his eyes. They were a trap, I knew that I got weak as soon as I looked into his damn eyes. "Come with me, Austin. Let's take a walk and sort some stuff out, ok?" he said it in that little pleading voice that always makes me do whatever he wants. Not this time. I shifted weight onto my other leg as I leaned into the doorway.

"Why can't we talk here? I have some stuff to do," I said as my shoulder leaned into the door jam, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Stuff?" he repeated, his eyes wide. "What stuff?"

"Stuff." I said simply.

We were silent for a moment. Josh was trying to search my eyes, but I wouldn't let him. I looked at the posh white carpeted floor of the hallway.

"Austin, don't do this." He said quietly.

I refused to say anything. I had to maintain an irongrip on my feelings, and I had to push down everything I felt for Josh, or thought I felt, deep into myself, in a tiny little box, and lock it up tight. I was not going to spend a week moping and whining at the loss like some pathetic high school girl, I was just going to pretend that Josh meant nothing to me. That his coldness tonight was but the tip of an iceberg of resentment and callous behavior that I would grow tired of sooner or later. I tried to tell myself that Josh never really loved me, he was just saying that for his own protection, so that he could validate his orientation for himself. Don't get too close. Don't let him in.

But as much as I pushed to maintain the cold silence between us, I could feel this iron gripped tightness in my chest, as I struggled to hold everything inside. It was like someone had taken my heart and tied it into a heavy knot, and with each silent second, it got tighter and tighter...

I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to look at him. I started at the bottoms of his feet. His scuffed black boots were stained dark with splatters of mud and sand. The cuffs to his khaki pants had dried traces of mud and a dampness to it that seemed like he had been trudging through water. The crease continued to his baby blue button down, the bottom portion that had been tucked into his pants now wrinkled.

His hands, those sweet, caressing little hands, were tightened into tight little fists, and shaking slightly from nerves. His buttoned shirt actually seemed to be moving to his heartbeat, as if it were so strong it was completely outside of him.

That strong, athletically corded neck, with that strand of brown leather over the collar bone that he wore sometimes. That dark, lustrous curly brown hair that I always loved to run my fingers through when we were just spending our time sitting and enjoying each other's warmth.

His face, with that scraggly soul patch he just wouldn't let go of, that slightly larger than average nose, and then...those eyes. When God created light, he saved a little bit to put into those crystalline blue jewels. I love him. No, no I don't.

I had to bite me lip to prevent myself from losing it right in front of him. Please stop staring at me like that Josh, you make me all light headed.

"Let's go take a walk down by the beach, Austin, please? It will only take a second, and after that you can... ...finish what you were doing." He eyed the phone in my hand.

"I don't think..." I started to protest, my words thick with emotion. I closed my eyes to prevent it.

"Just a short one then, please?" he sounded so innocent. And he had to use that little pleading voice too. He's trying to manipulate you.

"I promise it'll only take a second," he said, seeing how I was till hesitating.

Don't say yes. You don't even have to give a reason, just shake your head and back up into the room and slowly close the door. Don't think things will be so much better after one talk.

"Ok, " I said, and I pulled the door shut behind me, not even thinking of my keycard and I locked myself out.

Josh didn't even smile, he just turned and slowly walked back to the elevator, not giving any further encouragement to follow. My eyes traveled to the bottoms of his pant legs, which appeared to be stained with dried splashes of mud and sand, a persistent wet spot soaking through to the back of his left calf. Did that mean...?

Use your phone, right now. Call Dad.

I slipped my phone into my pocket as I started to follow him.

Josh held the gilded gold doors open for me, and we silently rode the way down. To avoid looking at him and completely losing it, I concentrated on the intricately carved old-fashioned metal elevator hand, that slowly moved down to the iron gray letter "L".

When we reached the ground floor, Josh was the first one out.

Ok, Good. Let him get out, stay in the elevator, and head straight back to your room. You don't have a problem if you can't see it.

I stepped out of the elevator, and we walked through the lobby, making a right at the front desk to head outside.

We followed a cement path lit with small blue glass garden lights in iron panes, that splashed light onto the topiary and tropical ferns and flowers that made up the path that led down to the beach.

Cancun was still up and awake, because there was still a few parties around some campfires down at the far end of the beach, even at three in the morning, but it was a lot quieter outside the hotel. Josh walked with me all the way to the water's edge, the warm sand soothing against my feet.

A cool breeze waved over us, stinging my bare skin and flapping his shirt open, revealing the crisp white beater underneath and healthy bronzed skin. I looked out to the calming sea to avoid looking at him. We were silent for a long time.

"Do you know how many times I've stared out at the ocean, waiting, hoping for a guiding light to seethe its way through the mist? Do you know how many times I've wondered if I would become consumed by the loneliness I felt? The pain, and the crushing weight, like a wave of water, of trying to be happy?"

I didn't know what to say. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, my hand in my pocket still fingering my phone.

We waited a while longer.

Suddenly, Josh turned to me and stared at me right in the eyes, so intensely I had an immediate urge to turn away, but couldn't. I felt myself being locked into this gaze.

"I've been waiting for you my whole life, Austin. I've been waiting to be really happy." I blinked, then stared down at the ground, uneasy at the weight of his words.

He took a step towards me. "You don't know how much you being here means to me."

I whipped my head back up. "Then why did you ignore me all night Josh?"

He held my gaze, not denying my claim, but also not offering any excuses either. Finally, I got tired of his stalling and I turned to leave. He let me go a few steps, before he called after me: "I did it for you."

I walked back. "What?"

He stayed silent a minute before responding. "Remember on the plane this morning, when you gave your whole little paranoid speech about the press and everyone finding out we were... ...less than straight?"

I hesitated, wondering where he was going. "Yeah."

"Well, I was thinking that maybe I gay you up too much, so I kind of laid off being affectionate and drawing attention to ourselves."

"By completely ignoring me and... ...and flirting with some chick? Josh, come on. You could have at least talked to me. When did you finally realize I left?" I accused.

"Right away, I watched you go get a drink and then walk outside."

I grumbled. "I was watching you for a while before I left, Josh, don't even try. You liked like you were having the time of your life."

"What...with Brenda?" Josh sputtered. "She and I went to the same junior high school."

"Well, then she must have had loads to tell you," I said sarcastically.

"As much as Justin had to tell you?!" Josh said, trying to sound innocent, but it sounded pretty accusing to me.

I looked back at him, my eyebrows curled in offense and disbelief.

"What are you talking about?" I choked out. "Justin...? I talked to him for like a second, I was pissed at him for trying to keep us away from the party. He claimed he didn't know he was supposed to let me know, which leads me to believe that you were the one who was trying to brush us off!" I said hotly.

My words fell on silence, as Josh looked back to the ocean again. "I'm not talking about last night," he said grimly. "I'm talking about back in LA. Remember when you spent the night at his house?"

"I did not spend the night at his house!" I said loudly.

Josh raised his hands to calm me. "Ok, not spend the night, but you spent a while over there and didn't tell me where you were going, or why."

"That has nothing to do with anything, Josh, and you know it. What are you trying to say? That because Justin told me something, then you have the right to 'get me back?' This isn't sixth grade."

Josh continued to look out at the water, deadpan expression. It was starting to irritate me.

Since I had already broken my vow of silence, I decided to let off some more steam.

"If you can't think of anything else to say, or even fucking apologize to me for treating me like crap, than I am going to go back upstairs and start packing. Do you hear me? Packing." I said. He continued to stare out at the water.

"Hello? Josh? This is really starting to piss me off, ok? If you're the one saying how happy you are, then why are we fighting right now, huh? Why am I pissed off at you?"

Another unnervingly silent minute later, the waves crashing softly against the sand, soaking our toes, and I snorted in disgust.

"Happiness is something you can never maintain. You have to work at it." He said finally.

"What?"

Finally he turned to look at me. "I enjoy my time with you, and because I believe in our love, and have faith in it, I am willing to take the good with the bad." I considered his statement for awhile, looking down at the ground to collect my thoughts. What was he trying to say? That because he had faith or some shit, that we were going to stay together? Did he even care that I just said I was packing to leave him? Did I even fucking matter at all?

"So... ...?' I trailed, wanting him to clarify.

He smiled. "so, that means that even as mad as you are right now, at me, the situation, the world. I know that I love you, and I know that will be enough for me. The question is, is it enough for you."

I thought about this question long and hard, and I felt guilty for being so impatient with him earlier, when this was a really important question that I couldn't really answer right away.

Another chilling breeze waved over us, but I hardly noticed it as my mind whizzed over my answer. Was knowing that Josh loved me enough for me? Or did I constantly need reminders, and got jealous and childish at the drop of a hat? I had no confidence in anything in my life, so I guess it was only natural that I had no confidence in my relationship with Josh either. Why had I so easily jumped to the wrong conclusion? Why hadn't I just believed in Josh's love. It would've made this whole night easier.

Answers seemed to pour out of nowhere. I got so uncomfortable in public because I worried that once Josh's career was ruined, we would have to break up. I got apprehensive about Lisa and Justin because I was sure their plays would break us up. Couldn't I have just made it that much easier by trusting Josh?

I needed Josh. I loved him. I needed his guidance and his wisdom to help me grow up, make me a better person. I can't believe I pretty much doubted everything that had happened since I met him, cursed the day that God brought him into my life, and second guessed every step we'd made so far. I should've just believed.

And as I was thinking, cursing myself for being such an idiot, always being wrong, Josh slowly walked back over to my still silent frame, and he embraced me from behind, locking his hands over my waist, and leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Don't beat yourself up too much, baby. I don't want any scars on the man I love."

Which brings us to today, late Friday morning, as Lisa led me out of the hotel down a pretty stone walk bordered by brilliantly colored azaleas and tropical ferns and flowers to the waterfront, none of which is passing through my gloomy depression. She was chatting away next to me while I'm plainly not listening to her, and as we passed a large green tree in front of us, I took a sudden gasp.

The beach was insane! Thousands of people, there were so many, you couldn't even see the sand. The girls were all in bikinis so small you'd need a magnifying glass to see them, and everyone looked like they walked right out of a Coppertone ad. I could see no one over thirty or under 16, and everyone was laughing and drinking and talking, trying to play Frisbee over the heads of a long line of sun bathers, laughing about old times and still celebrating their week of freedom.

"This is where we're going?" I said out loud. Lisa stopped yammering.

"This? Oh, hell no, we are heading over to the MTV part, its down there a ways."

"How far a ways?" I said skeptically. I wanted to stick near the hotel.

"A mile? What's walking gonna kill you, Mr. Athletic?" she taunted. "We're supposed to be meeting Sar-bear at twelve thirty."

"You expect to find Sara in this?" I waved my hand at the crowd.

"We'll find her," Lisa said confidently. I just shook my head in exasperation.

Not having much choice, Lisa and I walked all the way down the sidewalk adjacent to the beach, and everyone that passed by was either a happy little couple, lost in their own little world, either out and out making out in front of everyone, or whispering little things in each other's ears and laughing about stuff only they would know about, or else it was large groups of friends, having the time of their lives. While Lisa thumbed through her bag for something, I kept looking at my watch, willing time to speed by. Even though it would be only a brief minute I would be allowed to talk to Josh, his camera shot at 2 was starting to look pretty good. After that, he was unavailable until late tonight.

I felt so bad for him, I wished Nsync were less popular so that I could at least spend more time with him. I was also getting tired of hanging with Lisa. She was a great friend and everything, but she talked way too much today. I hadn't a clue what she was talking about...something about the studio. She didn't even really care that I wasn't listening.

On the one hand, I felt bad for her. Nelly had invited her on this thing, but so far he hadn't even seen her since they were on the plane together. Josh had at least made a concerned effort to spend time with me, but Nelly didn't even call her, or return her calls, which she had made every hour or so last night. He was such a jack ass.

On the other hand, she was so annoying, acting like we had known each other for years. Also, her frequent brushing her hands on my shoulder or linking her arm through mine as if we were a couple was starting to really tick me off. Aside from that though, she was just way too open for someone I had met barely a few days ago. I felt kind of like when I hung out with Justin while trying to deal with issues of my own. They both were so desperate for someone to talk to they talked me to death.

We found out that MTV had fenced off a large area where they were filming with brightly colored plastic fencing, with their screen printed logo all over it, and there was a huge line of kids that were waiting to get in. It was like an outdoor day club or something, complete with bouncers in beach togs. It felt so weird walking up to the front of the line, flashing our MTV badges, and walking right through, like I was a celebrity or something. Oh well.

Once we passed through the opening, we saw that this part of the beach was a lot less crowded than the area outside our hotel. Also, it looked like they were screening people, so that only pretty people would be seen on camera, which was so typically MTV.

Speaking of cameras, they were everywhere. There was this dance contest thing going on in this little grove of palms to the east, a long line of girls lining up for some sort of beauty contest, and a whole huge area up the bank with dozens of booths, where they were doing a whole bunch of contests, relay races, drinking contests, and a bunch of other things.

About the only thing the cameras weren't trained on were the open bars, littered with crumpled paper cups and spilled beer every few feet, and the long lines to the kegs and bathrooms.

It was slightly less crowded here than the beach outside my hotel, because there weren't many people laying down on the ground, but it was still really loud. They kept making people scream in unison so that the cameras could see how much fun they were having.

Seeing everyone having a great time hanging out with their friends put me in an even worse mood, because it just reminded me of how lonely I was. Most of my friends were back in Washington, or else had taken trips to various other beaches, so I had no one to talk to except Lisa, and I just told you how much she was getting on my nerves already. Well, beggars can't be choosers, right, so if Lisa was my only friend, I'd take what I can get. But just when I decided to interrupt her annoying banter and ask her something, someone came up to us from behind.

"I thought I saw a nappy haired bitch done walked this way!"

"Aahh!" Lisa screamed happily, as she turned around and recognized the speaker. "Kadrena, is that yo black ass I see behind them shades? Where you been girl, the sun?" she laughed. She enthusiastically hugged the girl, and I squinted in the bright sunlight to see that there were three chicks, two black and one Latina, and they were all wearing the same outfit, a bikini top and a skirt thing, what is called? A sarong?

"Mmm-hmm, and who is this you with?" said Kadrena, hands on her hips as she pursed her lips and gave me a scathing look.

"This is Austin, y'all. He's some friends of Timberlake," she said simply.

From the weird looks they were all giving me, I think they assumed that I was somehow more involved with Lisa than just friends. Why does that keep happening?

I also thought it weird that Lisa said I was a friend of Justin's, when I was really a friend of Josh's. When Lisa and I first met, hadn't one of the main things we had in common was Justin's bad attitude? Now she seemed to think I was closer to Justin than Josh. Or maybe these girls didn't know Josh, but they did know Justin, and it was just easier to say it that way.

They were obviously friends of hers, and after deciding that I wasn't really fit for their conversation, they all started gabbing away. These were Lisa's friends from school, and they were all in the same major. They talked about school and other friends of theirs, while I felt even more miserable and left out. Not to mention white.

I was tired and hot and lonely, and I was having this suspicious feeling of deja vu, a repeat of last night when I had been hanging around Josh's friends. I know I'm not that outgoing, but people usually don't just flat out ignore me. Maybe it was because I was constantly close with Jen or Tony or someone who was the real life of the situation, and their influence brought me into the light.

Whichever, I was getting tired of feeling like this. Like I didn't belong. I was even considering ditching Lisa and heading back to the hotel and doing my homework just so that I could feel like something needs to be done and that I was needed. But I laughed that off. Homework could wait.

We met Sara sometime after that. She was watching some guy eat ten hot peppers for a chance to win a thousand dollars. Lisa introduced her as another one of her "white friends", which earned a few laughs, and Sara just jumped right in and started talking to them, even though they didn't know each other too well. She didn't even care.

I on the other hand was having a serious estrogen overdrive. I felt like I had just gone to girl scout camp, and I was not too happy about it. They were all talking about hair spray and ET, and I thought I was going to kill myself, but what could I do? I didn't know anybody else, and I didn't feel like wandering around by myself. I missed Josh so much! Come on you fucking watch, click to two o' clock already!

After a while, my depression was starting to be a little obvious, so Lisa suggested we go and watch one of the bigger contests on one of the several stages. Sometimes they have karaoke, she said.

Sighing, as if I haven't lived until I've seen some guy drink tequila out of a shoe, I followed the girls to one of the larger stages, which was surrounded by a good audience of about a hundred and fifty people, and the splashy backboards to the stage were kind of eye catching. A cute blonde chick in a pink tube top was holding a microphone and getting ready to start, double checking her progress with the video camera technicians, and glancing out over the audience.

Since it was an open set, our group just sort of joined the end of the line as the blonde then started to walk out to center stage and smile.

"What up, Cancun!" she said enthusiastically, after everyone had quieted down. Everyone cheered and yelled in excitement.

"We ready to start? You guys wanna know what we're all about over on the good stage?"

The crowd of course yelled "Yeah!" I started to scan the other stages in boredom. It looked like someone was trying to juggle fire on the stage behind us.

"That's right, that's right. Well check it, y'all. No Spring Break is complete without checking out the hotties, right?" An even more enthusiastic cheer rang up. Some guy yelled "Take it off!" and everyone laughed.

"I don't mean me guys. We're talking about the hottie men, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. This is all for the ladies!" she said. "We're looking to find a new hunky hottie for MTV Spring Break 2002!" At this, the guys groaned, but the girls screamed even louder. I groaned as well. I pulled Lisa aside.

"Just because I'm with Josh doesn't mean I want to stare at a bunch of stupid cocky guys," I told her, subtly reminding her of my outburst last night. I was also being careful not to say "Just because I'm gay..."

"Who says this is for you?" she cracked. "You need to take the camera off The Austin Show for just a minute, baby." Then she whooped and cheered loudly with the other chicks.

"I'm outta here," I called to her. She grabbed me back.

"Come on, it'll take two seconds. What else you got to do?" she said. I sighed.

"Ok y'all, here's how it works," said the speaker chick. Her twangy Texan accent was a bit annoying. "I'm Meghan, and right now I need three sexy guys who think they have what it takes to be the hottest guy at this party!"

Hands shot up in the crowd, and Meghan walked down the ramp area and surveyed the crowd. She looked at a group of guys that puffed themselves out and grinned, nodding their heads slightly. She turned to a group of girls who were pulling on this one guys arm, making him smile brightly in embarrassment. She kept toying with people, making them stand up and then not choosing them. It was all a spectacle that I could easily have done without.

Finally she walked up to this one black guy that was sitting down at the edge of the stage, and helped him up and spun him around. Girls cheered appreciatively. I'll admit, he was very good looking, and had a very nice body, but I had a perfectly good hottie myself who was in a busy rehearsal schedule, so I had very little interest in watching. I checked my watch, and it said it was a little after one.

"Uh huh, I needs to get me on a these!" said one of Lisa's friends behind us, and the girls all laughed and cheered. I yawned.

Meanwhile, Meghan seemed to be considering the quiet guy. "What do you think, ladies?" A loud raucous cheer answered her. Lisa nearly broke my ear drum next to me. "I think we have contestant number 1! What's your name, cutie?" Meghan said, holding out her microphone.

"Eric," he answered in a low voice, leaning forward into the microphone. He smiled nervously, and several girls cheered.

"And where you from?"

"USD," he answered again. A couple of his classmates cheered. She handed him a plastic pin with a number one on it and told him to go stand on the x on the stage.

The stage was set up on a little ramp, with people gathered around it, and Meghan kept walking around it, searching for contestant number two. People got a little more insistent, calling a little louder, and she came up to a very cocky blond guy who tried to look as if he knew she had been looking at him the whole time.

Meghan pointed to him and looked to the audience to gauge their approval. The girls went wild. "Ok, Number 2 here we go! And what do we call this fine specimen?" she flirted, holding out her microphone again. I rolled my eyes.

He grabbed the microphone. "I'm Mac, at your service," he said in what he obviously thought was a sexy voice. Meghan smiled, then started to tug the microphone away, but he held it and said further, "And I know I'm fine."

"Oh no, he did not just say that," said Lisa next to me, shaking her head. "They better not have him win, cocky ass. They need someone nice and wholesome." She looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn't care. She grabbed Sara and whispered something in her ear, which prompted a smile and a nod.

Mac took his number and struck a body builder pose on stage, hamming it up. Several people groaned, but he got his fair share of cheers as well.

"Ok, one left, y'all," Meghan drawled into the mike. If she said 'y'all' one more time, I would scream.

Since this was the last contestant (oh no!), people were starting to get even louder, shoving their friends into participating and flagging down Meghan, who was very obviously enjoying her job, as she got to feel a couple of guys up for free.

"C'mon now, ladies, who do you want up on that stage?" she teased, after she had considered and rejected three more guys. Suddenly, Lisa and Sara both jumped up and started yelling for her attention, grabbing both my arms and screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Hey!" I yelled. "Let me go, what the hell are you doing!?" I said, trying to free myself.

"Right here, girl, we need a real man up there!" yelled Lisa. She had a powerful set of lungs, and Meghan turned around.

"Oh hell no, let me go!" I moaned, scrambling to get out of their grip, as I saw the smiling host walking our way.

"He may be modest, but he's full of fire!" declared Sara, throwing me in a headlock. Everyone laughed, and a couple of girls cat-called.

"What are you doing?!?" I hissed.

"We're trying to wipe that sad, gloomy look off your face," Sara hissed back.

"By humiliating me in front of a bunch of strangers?!" I said desperately. I pulled myself out of their grasp just as Meghan reached us.

"Hey there," said Meghan, not hesitating to look me up and down. "Why've you been hiding all the way back here?" she said. I immediately blushed and covered my face in my hands in embarrassment. Everyone laughed, but I swear I wanted to die.

"Shy one, eh? What do you think ladies?" she said, turning back to the crowd, whose eyes were pretty much all on me. Have I told you how much I hate that?

To my surprise, though, I got quite a cheer. I wasn't as interested as I was embarrassed, but it was a cheer nonetheless. I have no idea why.

"Allright, but if we want him in this contest, he's gonna have to show us a little more skin!" said Meghan, prompting an even louder response. I looked down and realized that I was still wearing a T shirt, while most of the guys in the audience were bare.

"Forget it!" I said defiantly, backing up and crossing my arms across my chest. People booed and groaned.

"Boy, take that shirt off before I rip it off you!" said Lisa loudly. She grabbed the bottom and pulled it up slightly while I impatiently pulled it back down. People laughed, and I furiously made a mental note to kill Lisa as soon as we got out of this.

"Come on, hon, this is a skin contest. Let's see some skin!" prompted Meghan.

Some one started chanting, "Take it off, take it off, take it off!" then everyone started saying it, until it got louder and louder...

"Come on, Austin, live a little," said Sara into my ear, grabbing my shoulder and giving it a friendly squeeze. I impatiently yanked my shoulder away from her.

"You can't spend spring break without having at least a little fun," said one of Lisa's friends from behind me. I'll be having my fun at two, thank you very much, I thought furiously.

The group's loud chants, girls cheering, and people laughing became too much. Finally, I held up my hands and said "All right!"

"That's my boy!" said Lisa happily. I glared daggers at her.

Everyone cheered louder, and I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and yanked it off, amidst an even louder encouragement of cheers, and flattering whistles.

"Damn!" said Meghan, eyeing my body, and I immediately crossed my arms back over my chest in embarrassment. I couldn't help but wonder at the attention, though, which sounded pretty happy with what they saw.

"Shy guy's got game!" Meghan said enthusiastically, and I blushed furiously. Meghan was second on my list of people to kill.

"Allright, ladies, what do you think of Mr. Modest?" she said, holding out her hand as if she were showing off a new dinette set on The Price Is Right. To my astonishment, I got the loudest cheer. I guessed that my modesty angle did me a favor, because I could certainly think of no way to explain it.

"Allright cutie, I think we have contestant number three." What?!? "What's your name, guy?" Meghan winked.

"Um...Austin...," I said quietly, in a daze. I felt like I was watching someone else on TV and it wasn't me.

"What?" she said.

"Austin," I said a little louder. Back to reality.

"Well, ok Austin, and what school are you from?"

"U Dub," I said. A couple of people clapped, but I could tell there was no one from there in the crowd.

"Where's that?" said Meghan coyly, acting every bit the stupid blonde.

"Washington," I said.

"Ok, well here's your number, head on up to those other guys, mm-k?" said Meghan, winking seductively at me and holding out my pin. I shot a look back at Lisa, silently trying to tell her that she was heading back to LA in a coffin.

Did she care? Hell no! "Go on, shake that ass, boy! Make Mama proud!" she said loudly, and everyone cracked up laughing. Stand up comedienne, right there. I'd never been more embarrassed in my life. Where was the hole that I was supposed to drop into and die?

I shook my head in disbelief, and made the walk of shame up the ramp, taking my place on the blue x that matched the blue from my number pin. I pinned it to my shorts, squinting as the bright sun shone right in my eyes.

Meghan followed me up, then took her place in the center, and addressed the audience.

"Ok everyone, now that we got our contestants, let's find out what they have to do! First off, everyone knows that if you are our Spring Break Hottie, you have to have a sexy walk, right?" Cheers and yells.

"So let's see them sexy swaggers, gentlemen!" she said, clapping to herself as she moved out of the way. Music came out of the speakers on either side of the stage, and every one clapped in time to the beat.

I immediately froze in panic. What had I gotten myself into? I don't know how to walk sexy. I barely know how to walk regularly. I watched Eric saunter down the ramp like a pro. At the bottom, he flexed his pecs and did a little turnaround, like a runway model, smiling devilishly for the crowd. They loved him, and screamed themselves hoarse. I felt like an idiot.

After he did his bit, Meghan said, "Very nice, very nice. Allright, Mac, you're up."

Mac of course knew exactly how to walk like a cocky bastard. He even licked his lips at the end and struck another body builder pose, which earned more laughs than cheers, but he didn't seem to mind. He smiled it up. He even winked at Meghan as he walked back up the stage.

Everyone clapped for him. "Allright, very good, ok now. Let's see Austin's strut!"

A couple of people, mainly Sara and Lisa, started clapping right away, but I couldn't hear anything as I was concentrating on not falling off the stage. I sort of smiled gingerly and tried my best to imitate Eric and Mac, my head back, my body pumped, and my strides wide and confident. I felt like such an idiot, but the audience response actually wasn't too bad. A lot of people laughed though, but that wasn't as much a deterrent as I thought it would be. I smirked in what I thought was a sexy expression at the end and even raised my eyebrows at a couple girls in the audience, my expression relaxed. I walked back up smiling wider than I did going down.

Once I got back to my x, I decided that things could have been worse. They could have entered me in a keg stand contest, or make me guess how many jello-shots are in that Jacuzzi.

After the walk, we had to do a bunch of other dumb, but funny stuff, including coming up with a line, having a sexy dance, and answering a whole bunch of dating questions, like...if your girlfriend invited you to a party, then talked to her friends all night, would you say anything. There was even a part where Meghan selected three random girls from the audience, and we had to tease them with some passion fruit and whipped cream.

It was actually kind of fun being up there, having people try and help you answer some of the questions, and everyone was having a great time, especially with the food. It sure beat hanging around, being depressed because everyone else seemed to be having a blast. I also got a kick out of everyone laughing at me. I didn't feel so self conscious one I started getting into it. Lisa kept shouting embarrassing things at me from the back of the crowd, and everyone laughed at us.

As for the contests themselves, I won the sexiest smile contest, and I got the most right for the dating questions, and by the end, I realized that I had a decent share of audience support, who I guess really got into my shyness thing. Score! I even did well in the flexing contest, to my surprise, although I didn't really have as much bravado as the other guys.

Meghan lined us all up on stage again after the last contest to determine the winner, who would be judged according to something called an "applause-o-meter", and we would apparently be judged on looks, attitude, and sex appeal.

"Ok, this is it guys! Before we crown our hunky new hottie, let's give these guys a round of applause for participating and being such good sports!" Applause.

"I'd also like to thank you all for being here and givin' em love, because without you, this wouldn't be a contest! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Everyone clapped and whooped and cheered. To Meghan's credit, she knew how to rile up a crowd.

"Ok, here we go. I want you to scream yourselves silly if this year's 2002 Hunk of Cancun is going to be contestant number one, Eric from USD!" Eric received a very enthusiastic, raucous cheer, so enthusiastic, I was sure that he would be the winner. Not only was he a very attractive guy, he oozed hidden sex appeal, and he won most of the other contests. He wasn't as cocky and self centered as Mac seemed to be, but he had confidence and class. I clapped politely.

"Cool beans, cool beans," said Meghan. "Aright, and now make some noise if you think Macky-boy is our hunkiest hottie!" Mac, of course, waved his hands up and down, indicating the audience to raise it up for him, and he got a good amount of applause, but it was fairly obvious that Eric had won. Mac's cocky attitude severely affected his score. I clapped for Mac too, then quickly checked my watch. I didn't want to be late for Josh's performance. I was cutting it pretty close too, since it was already 1:51, and Josh was on stage across the beach at two.

Although I did have fun, I really didn't think I had a chance to actually win this thing, I mean come on. I didn't want to enter in the first place, and my goofy attempts at being sexy were generally laughed at, not encouraged. Remember earlier when I had tried to do a sexy strip show to tease Lisa in the hotel room? I'm just not a very seductive person, I always just feel corny and stupid.

"And last, but definitely not least, give it up for Austin from Washington State (dumb ass, I was from UW, not Washington State) if you think he's the hottest stud up there!"

The crowd went wild, literally. I was struck dumb at the volume of support I had, which even I had to admit was higher than Eric's applause. Girls were screaming at the top of their lungs, and several girls even tossed me their flowery lei necklace thingies which they had been passing out at the front earlier. Even guys were clapping for me, flashing thumbs up and toasting their drinks to the guy who was just as dorky as them. Lisa practically went hoarse, and I saw that all her friends and Sara were excitedly cheering for me too. It was quite an ego boost.

"I think we have a winner!" said Meghan excitedly, and some hip hop music sounded from the huge amplifiers surrounding the stage to signify people to quiet down and acknowledge my win.

I was in complete disbelief. How had I won? I hadn't done very well in most of the contests; I was like the comedy relief. But I didn't have much time to worry, so I just sort of smiled stupidly at everyone and followed Meghan downstage, where they were going to present me with something, probably another pin. Mac gave me a dirty look as I walked down the stage.

"Congratulations, Austin, you are our MTV Spring Break Hottie for today, ok? And as the hunky new winner, you just scored yourself two tickets to Pacuas del Toro, an exclusive new restaurant right next to the Marriot at Jirocanaguas Square!"

"All right!" yelled Lisa, who had managed to push herself to the front of the crowd. "You are so taking me there tonight!" she grinned.

"You wish!" I snapped back.

"It's a great place for you and your girlfriend to experience some of the freshest tastes of southeastern Mexican cuisine," continued Meghan, who was reading the information off a card.

"She's not my girlfriend," I quickly corrected her, but nobody was listening, as everyone around us started clapping and yelling.

Meghan "crowned" me with those flowery necklace thingies, made me take a picture with her and the other two, then handed me my prize. I thought that was it, but after people started leaving, the attention was still on me, because as I was trying to get my way out of the crowd, I got bombarded with people congratulating me. I was saved from any lewd offers from buzzed females because Lisa linked her arm through mine and basked in the reflected glory, which just made us look even more like we were a couple. I shrugged off her arm once I took another glance at my watch, and I saw that I was almost four minutes late already to Josh's performance.

Shit! Time to move. Not giving much of an explanation, I practically knocked down three people as I bolted away from Lisa and her friends and ran from the blue contest booths down the beach, aiming straight for the center stage, the one surrounded by at least three or four hundred people who were all seated on towels on the ground.

The huge main stage was built of white inlaid beech wood boards, swept clear of wiring and serving as a billboard for a few colorful MTV promotional placards and their sponsors, who were apparently Ford, McDonalds, and Pepsi. The stage was backed by black crisscrossing rick rack construction work, so that you could see the calm blue ocean behind it dotted with sailboats and surfers, but it was meant to hold up the bright lights, wiring, audio and video output, and a tripod of television monitors that was replaying on stage what the people would be seeing when they tuned to MTV. The wall looked flimsy, but it must have been able to hold thousands of pounds of pressure as the speakers and large cameras didn't look too light.

The group on stage was not N'sync. It was some sort of dancing rap group, spearheaded by a boisterous female rapper, whose colorful jump suits and jerseys looked painfully hot. I breathed a sigh of relief, then tried to find out how I could get closer to the stage.

Since there was no back to the stage, and there was nothing obvious like a wall for the next performers to stand behind, and there were certainly no elevators under the ground to bring people on, I wondered how the hell did they get Josh on stage?

I looked around frantically trying to see where he would be standing. It had to be close, he was supposed to be on already. Had I missed him? It looked as if the current performers had simply dropped from the sky onto the stage, as there was literally, no way for them to get on stage, because there were people seated practically right at the edge Unless they walked right down the wide center aisle?

As if in answer to my question, the main woman rapper, who was wearing a white and red and black jogging suit, walked down the center aisle with the mike in her hand, holding and pointing and gesticulating to the crowd while she danced up and down the aisle, her live words sounding strange against the obviously previously recorded track.

I had reached the stage from the left hand side, so my eyes followed the center aisle to a smaller stage behind the audience, where three huge MTV "seater" cameras were posted, and I finally saw Josh and the guys, dressed in their funny pirate costumes and waiting their turn. Of course, they were standing as far as it was possible to stand from me.

I tried to get closer, but people had set up their towels practically on top of one another. I also couldn't circle around the group, because security guards had been dispatched everywhere, and they formed a crescent around behind the audience.

It wouldn't have done me any good to move anyway, because the people on stage finished up, striking a cliched rappers ending pose, and everyone clapped and yelled. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone got a sore throat after this trip, considering how much screaming we had to do. I eagerly looked up the stage to see Justin and Nelly move to either side of a dark haired chick wearing pink tinted sunglasses, the rest of N'sync standing behind them. The chick had a mike in her hand and she was talking to the MTV video cameras, which kept swiveling around.

"All right, give it up for Eve, and her new album, Eve-olution everybody! Woo! Up next we got a little some'm some'm from Nelly and N'sync! I have Nelly and Justin Timberlake right here, so tell me guys, excited to be here?"

Nelly leaned forward and said, "Yeah, we always love kicking it here in Cancun, straight up. I wanna give a shout out to all my peeps back in Louie, dawg, for shizzle."

"Yo JT, what's with the crutches, dawg?" the girl said.

Justin grabbed the microphone and said, "I had a little ax-see-dent at the gym a couple days ago." Like, every girl in the audience let out a sympathetic "awww!" and he smiled it up. "But ain't no twisted ankle's gonna keep me away from here, we love you guys, it's always been for the fans, you know, all the way, this song is for y'all!"

Everyone cheered, and the girl turned to the camera and said, "Allright here we go, Nysnc and Nelly, this is Girlfriend, and thank you for watching MTV!!"

With that, Josh's background music came on, and they all walked down to the stage at the back, Justin hobbling along pathetically on his crutches. They sank to the ground while they were walking to hold their hands out to reach out to the audience along the aisle, and when they finally started their dance routine, I realized it was quite a bit different from the rehearsal they had done back in LA, to compensate for Justin.

I decided to stay put as I locked my eyes on Josh and couldn't help but settle into a smile as I watched his completely focused attention. Regardless of the set back Justin's accident made, he still looked like he was doing the performance of his life time. All of his moves looked silken, like a well-oiled machine. He looked awesome, and he had the same expression on his face that he has every single time he performed, rehearsal or not: complete excitement.

He couldn't see me, but I didn't care. I would see him afterward, and I was looking forward to seeing his eyes light up when he saw me. That's it. We didn't have to talk, we didn't have to kiss or anything, I just wanted to see his eyes light up. I absolutely loved it when he did that, and for that I would sit through their performance.

I sat down on my ankles, ready to sprint over to him as soon as he finished, as I watched the performance, a real smile crossing my face for the day. I was so psyched to see him, that I overlooked a lot of things that would've bothered me at any other concert. Like, I didn't mind that the pre-recorded track sounded awful with the acoustics of the completely open beach. I didn't mind that the people in front of me were talking non stop about something and it was at just the right volume for me to practically catch every word over the music.

I didn't even mind too much that from where I was sitting, Justin was almost always standing in front of Josh, and that they just left Justin leaning on his crutches in center stage the entire song. I didn't mind that once Josh actually got his solo, Justin stole the spotlight by coming to the edge of the stage, leaning low on his leg and touching hands with girls from the audience. I didn't mind that Josh stood in the back row with Lance and Joey and Chris instead up at the front with Nelly and Justin like at the rehearsals in LA. I didn't mind that Josh's dance routines were completely over shadowed by Nelly's moves from the side, and I didn't mind that the cameras were swiveling around all over Justin, but never once zeroed in on Josh.

I vaguely recognized all the dance moves as the same, but it didn't bother me that all the positions had been moved, and that all of the other dancers had been fired. It was also a lot longer, almost ten minutes of them repeating the chorus over and over again, almost everyone getting bored and talking to their neighbors. But like I said, I didn't mind. I especially didn't mind that after they were done, girls were chanting Justin's name and saying stuff like "Justin, I love you!" I didn't mind because I only wanted to watch it for one reason.

They struck their final pose, and everyone lit up with applause, and I watched them make their exit, walking back up the aisle but to the left of the mini stage with the MTV chick, who was busy with the next act. They walked towards me, and I quickly jumped up, and scrambled around the towels of the audience to get as close as I could, which was outside of a group of security that was forming a line of protection against some fans for the guys to walk through to get into a car parked on the sand behind everyone.

I tried to muscle through the guards, completely caught up in thoughts of seeing Josh's eyes, but some security guard shoved me back. "And where do you think you're going?" he sneered.

"Yo, I'm with MTV," I said angrily. "See?" I started to pat my chest for my MTV tag, but I came upon bare skin. "Oh shit!" I said, looking down and realizing I had left my T shirt with my MTV badge on it with Lisa. Fuck!!

"No wait, I seriously had a badge, it was pinned to my shirt!" I said desperately to the guard.

"Whatever, just back off," he said, moving stoically in front of me so that I couldn't even see them. NO!!!!!

"Josh!" I shouted desperately, moving around the guard to peer over his shoulders. I moved closer, in front of a shorter guard, and tried to see over his head. "Josh!!" I shouted again, but my shout was nothing against the cheers and screams of people for Justin, and the sudden booming music as the next act took the stage behind us. Through a glimpse as someone moved out of the way, I saw Josh holding open the car door for the other guys to get in, the ocean gleaming blue behind him. He had on a pair of sunglasses that looked really familiar, though I don't think I had seen him wear them before.

"Josh!" I tried to scream even louder, but everyone was screaming and shouting now that the next act had reached the stage, some loud punk rock group, and the music seemed to get louder and louder. I screamed his name two more times, but he didn't hear me as he got up in the car and shut the door.

A low chained-link fence had been set up to separate the area where I was standing from a cleared path for the car to drive through, so that no one could jump in front of the car's path. I considered leaping over it, but I could see that I was being watched fairly carefully by the guards in line, so my shoulders just slumped as I watched the car start to drive away.

Defeated, all I could do was watch the four wheel drive kick on, and I couldn't see through the darkly tinted windows either as it sped right past me. So this was how it was going to be. I felt even more depressed than I had this morning, when I was complaining about not seeing him until 2. Now I would have to wait another 8 hours.

This morning...this sure did seem like deja vu. I felt like I had already been through this all of a sudden. The ocean, the railing, the music, the sunglasses...

But someone must have been smiling on me that day, because as I was struggling to remember, the truck slowed to a halt, and a window rolled down. Josh's head poked out, the dusty breeze knocking his dark, curly hair in front of his face. He took off his sunglasses.

"Austin?" he shouted, his beautiful white smile gleaming back at me. My grin must have rivaled the Cheshire cat's. "C'mon, man! Our interview's in less than fifteen minutes!" he popped open the door and waved at me to join them, and I jogged up to where the car was parked, leaped over the fence like a pro, and climbed in.

"Whoa, Austin, you looked like just another spring breaker! We totally didn't even recognize you!" said Joey, sliding over so that I could sit in the middle seat next to him. Lance tumbled into the way back seat so Josh could sit next to me.

"Well, I was going to sit in the hotel and just catch you guys as I flipped through the channels on TV," I said with a smile, "But Lisa dragged me out to go wandering around the beach." It looked like Nelly hadn't gotten into the car with us.

"Lisa, huh? She is so hot. Wish she'd drag me," said Joey, licking his lips and raising his eyebrows. I laughed.

"Dude, no one can drag your fat ass," called Lance from the back.

"Your mom can," Joey retorted.

"Well good man, because you don't want to watch what they put on TV. They edit it out so that you only see about two minutes. You wouldn't even be able to see it until four," said Josh, plainly ignoring them.

"Really? You guys were up there forever," I said.

"Forever? It was barely ten minutes! You can't even listen to our song for ten minutes?! That TV really does ruin you kids' attention spans," said Lance, in mock outrage.

"Sorry dude, I can't help it that you guys sound like the Chipmunks," I said.

Everyone shouted out loud in friendly outrage; even Chris managed a smile, though he quickly covered it up.

"Its better than that trash metal, garbage punk stuff I saw in your CD wallet," spoke up Justin. I turned to face him, wondering when the hell he'd been in my CD wallet, but Joey interrupted me by pulling out an air guitar, grinding his face up and lifting his knee as his fingers thumbed invisible chords.

"Death to all, kill this place...suicide, in your face...duhn duhn duhnnnn!!!"

Everyone laughed. "That was pretty good, Joe. Maybe you can pretend to sing for one of their bands the same way you pretend to sing for ours," said Josh.

"Ohhh!" everyone groaned.

"Well forgive me for not wanting to inhale a tank of helium to hit your high notes, Chasez. Those of us who have hit puberty can only stay within a certain range," Joey smirked.

"Ohhh!" we all groaned again.

At this, Chris turned around. "Puberty, Joe? Is that what you call those things on your chin? I thought you just stopped showering, it would've explained the smell." Everyone cracked up, me more from shock that Chris was even speaking to us. He leaned around from the front passenger seat and jeered.

"What was that, toadstool? You wish you were as hairy as me, at least that way people wouldn't constantly be thinkin' you're 12. And how many years ago was that? The eighties, I believe?"

"Listen, Chewbacca..." Chris started, but he didn't get to finish, we were all laughing so hard.

Joey laughed the hardest, of course. "Oh, I see how it is, I'm getting it from all sides now, huh? Hell, fine by me, I got Austin on my side, jock-boy'll kill all you turds," he said finally, grabbing my shoulders and using me as a shield as he playfully shifted me around.

"Jock boy?" I laughed, moving free.

"Hell yeah, jock boy. Look at you, you're starting to make me feel jealous. No wonder Lisa's been all up on top of you," said Joey, pointing at me.

I looked cautiously back at Josh, uneasy about the way this conversation was heading. But he smiled charmingly back at me.

"She's gonna have to take a number," he said, gazing at me. The others groaned.

"Huh?" I said cautiously, caught off guard. Now I was really uncomfortable all of a sudden. I know Josh and I had that talk last night about having faith in our relationship, but was he already insinuating that I was flirting with Lisa or Justin?

"You know, she has to take a number, because I got you first," he said slowly, smiling, thinking I just didn't get the joke. I took the bait.

"Ohhhhh..." I said, as if I had just gotten it. Everyone laughed at my expense. I said it just to move the conversation to something else. Sometimes playing stupid just works in my favor.

Unfortunately, not this time.

"It's ok, Austin," said Justin patronizingly from behind me, patting me on the shoulder. "You jocks have an excuse to be stupid." Well that's not what I wanted to hear, and I whipped my head around and glared at him to say something defensive, but he smiled sweetly at me, so I knew he was kidding. I really need to stop being so sensitive around these guys. They're always joking around. I need to lighten up.

"Hey, Austin's the one getting the college education, Justy. Something I don't remember you looking into," said Joey, coming to my defense.

"Excuse me, Ph.D," Justin bristled. "And what college did you graduate from? Barber, or clown?"

Joey smiled. "I was actually going to head to film school if I hadn't agreed to sing back up for you so that you'd sound like you had some balls."

"What?!?" Justin squealed shrilly, causing everyone in the car to crack up. "Fuck that, who asked who, Joey? Who wanted who to submit a demo?"

"Calm down Curly, I'm just kidding around," Joey laughed.

"We're here," said the bodyguard as we pulled up to another palatial hotel, this one only three stories tall in colonial Spanish style, tiled patios spreading around the building to welcome us into its elegance.

Everyone was laughing and joking around as we got out of the car and started walking towards the hotel, I hardly noticed the bodyguards. We were bowed graciously into the lobby where these interviews were going to take place by a bunch of hotel employees and photographers and newspeople, and I felt almost as if I were a member of N'sync.

This hotel was entirely outdoors, as well as the place where they were doing their interviewers, which gave it a very relaxed atmosphere. Once we reached the area, Lance and Joey still trading one liners, I saw that they had set up five stools for them to sit, and a pretty young dark haired woman in a dark blue business suit and a clipboard came up to us.

"Unfortunately, the interviewer is running a little late," she said, biting her lip and clutching the clipboard to her chest.

The guys groaned, but Justin said angrily to the woman, "What do you mean, the interviewer is late?"

"She called to say that she got stuck in traffic, and won't be here for another ten to fifteen minutes," the woman said quietly. Her ID tag identified her as Wynn, and she was a press agent.

"Screw that, we don't have time to just be waiting around! We have important things to do today!" he said, outraged. I felt everyone cringe around us.

I, however, wasn't in the mood for a snobby Justin. "Chill, dude, it'll only be fifteen minutes. It'll give you more time to fix your hair." Snickers followed this, but Justin gave me the evil eye.

"Austin..." he started, his eyes narrowed.

"Well, we'll just wait for her over there, ok?" Josh said suddenly, and he pulled on my lei to yank me out of Justin's war path. His hand got entangled with the flowers as we half ran, half walked away from the interview area around a corner.

Out of earshot, I started to thank Josh for saving me, but he pressed up right against me, pushing me tight against the wall.

Then he slammed into my lips with his and made out with me deeply with a very hot, sticky kiss. He leaned back.

I grinned stupidly back at him, and pushed his hair back out of his eyes. I stared into his eyes as I left my hand in his hair. God, I loved him.

"Want a quickie?" he whispered in my ear, his tongue licking behind my ear lobe and taking it into his mouth for a brief second. God, I loved him even more.

"Here?" I said breathlessly.

He shook his head. "Nuh uh. Changing room, right there." He pulled my head to the side where I saw a long line of open changing stalls for people to change for the beach a few hundred yards away.

"We could so get caught," I whispered.

"Do you care?"

"Not really."

We took off for the booths, me looking both ways to see if any of the guys had followed us. I pushed Josh into a red one and swung shut the hinged red door. You could still see our feet underneath, and the sun shone brightly into its roofless interior.

Josh and I practically fell back against the back wall, our tongues sliding all over each other's lips and mouths, our hands caressing each other's bodies. I quickly unbuttoned his blue and black costume and pulled up the white beater he had underneath it, licking the beads of sweat off his hard, muscled abs.

Josh yanked off the necklace thingies, and started to run his hands through my hair, which was wet with sweat. My tongue made it to the bottom of his sculpted chest, and I started to bite and suck in the middle of his chest, leaving a little red mark. My hands cupped and kneaded his ass, my finger periodically stroking his crack. Josh whimpered slightly, and he pulled his shirt off himself, yanking the beater off in one swipe, revealing his chiseled, sweaty muscles.

My mouth attached itself to his right nipple, while my hand ran up along his stomach, very carefully teasing, and avoiding, his crotch. My other hand ran itself along the inside of his leg.

My hands met at his waistband, and I undid the belt and quickly unzipped him, while my mouth switched to the other nipple. Since I couldn't see what I was doing, I fumbled a lot, but the way Josh was breathing, I figured he liked it.

I stood up fully, probing my long tongue into his mouth, licking the inside all over. I wanted to taste every part of him, and my tongue ached trying to stretch all the way down his throat. He groaned into my mouth, while his hands boldly cupped my cock through my shorts, then swiftly started to pull them down.

My hands had already worked out from his boxers Josh's long, bronzed dick, the thick, purplish head looking so enticing. I purposely avoided it as I bent down to pull Josh Pants all the way to the ground.

"Ohhh...."Josh groaned, just low enough not to be overheard.

I grabbed it with my hand as I stood back up, thumbing the head and running my other fingers along the spidery veins. He practically came in my hand as I pushed his body back against the wall with my shoulder and raped his mouth with my tongue.

A tiny bead of clear, whitish liquid appeared at his slit, and I wiped it up with my hand and brought it to our mouths, were he greedily leaned forward and lapped it up, then jammed his tongue into my mouth to share it. I started top slowly rub my hand up and down the shaft, just the way I liked to jack, with my thumb and first two fingers forming a ring.

Josh moved his back up and down the wall in tune to my rubbing, and I had to hold him in place with my chest to stop him from moving as we continued to make out heavily, spit and pre come slimed all over our faces.

I started to wave my index finger over the head of his cock on my up thrusts, because I knew it drove him crazy when I did that with my tongue. As expected, he practically melted against me, and I could practically feel his heart rabbiting against me.

I let go of his mouth and started to lick and kiss his ear, my hand moving faster. "You like that?" I grunted.

"Uh huh," he muttered, his words coming with short gasps. I felt him get close, and my other hand started to tickle and fondle his nuts while I continued to pull on his thick shaft.

"I was jacking as hard as I could, and then suddenly, Josh put his hands on top of mine as he started to jack himself with me, squeezing my hands underneath. He did that for a minute, my hand starting to get really hot attached to that piece of steel and covered by his hands, and he started to come. He started to whimper a little bit, and I quickly jammed my tongue in his mouth to stop him from screaming, while his cock continued to jizz streams and streams of his cream onto my hand.

I brought my hand back to my mouth, and he watched me lick it all up.

"Oh man," he whispered back. I thought we were done, but his hands grabbed me around my waist, pinching my ass, and he yanked down my shorts, leaving me in my black swimming suit. Instead of complaining, Josh just wormed his hand into my crotch, and his hand circled my hard steely dick, which was pointed straight up, pinned to my stomach by the waistband of the trunks.

"I want that," he moaned into my ear while I was busy chewing on his neck. He tapped my cock with his finger.

He shoved me back away from him with an amazing burst of strength, then dropped to his knees and pried out my dick. Before I could blink, his tongue was lapping all over it, the sticky head sliding briefly between his hot lips. I leaned against the other wall as he started to squeeze his lips together, making them a tight ring which he forced my dick through, his tongue teasing me all over.

I couldn't stand it much longer, as he started to slowly slide his mouth up my cock, his tongue teasing the tip and piss slit, and I knew I would last a while five seconds. The last thing I saw was half my cock down his throat, the muscles in his neck squeezing me and trying to milk out my come, when I couldn't stand it any longer. I pulled out and shot like bullets into his open mouth, five or six huge loads. He swallowed most of it, some had ended up on his face and in his hair. He stood up and hugged me tight, his tongue swallowing me from the inside. Yeah, I loved him all right. Jen who.

Always best to leave off with a bang, huh? More to come. Email me to get on my list. scottiescot@hotmail.com