My Boy Paul - part 2 By niftymike@gmail.com (cc-by-sa-2.0: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/)
The next morning I woke up sore. I had held that pillow the whole night, so my arm had long since gone numb. I couldn't move it and the hand was looking very grey. I moved to the edge of my bed, and let my arm hang over the side so the blood could return. Very soon, feeling returned, and OH! the pain. To distract myself, I opened up my laptop and started writing Paul an email one-handed. I was really excited to meet someone I was interested in and who was potentially interested in me too.
I had no idea whether he was interested in me, so I tried to come up with something that could be a date, or maybe not. Looking back on the night before when we parted ways, he seemed actually a bit uninterested. The more I tried to recall, the less and less "friendly" he seemed in my memory.
Eventually, I decided not to send anything. Just as quickly I changed my mind - what's the worst that could happen? Back and forth a few times (indeciveness is a symptom of depression, though not normally one which affected me particularly), and I impulsively hit send:
Hey Paul, Are you free tonight to head to open mic night at the Triangle? My friend Emily is playing. I'll be going anyways, but you should come. 7:30 & we can eat there. -Mike
I shut my laptop, the sudden rush of adrenaline blocking the pain, which had barely started to abate: What have I done? I'll scare him off. He just wants to be friends - he's not interested at all.
Beating myself up, I stormed into the shower, startling my roommate as she made herself breakfast. In the shower, I leaned heavily on the wall as the pain receded into pins-and-needles, and melded with the flow of the water down my body. Paul's face lept to my mind, and I imagined he joined me in the shower. Nothing sexual, just his firm chest pressed to my back, holding me tight. My head fell back, wishing this were real. Knowing I had work at 10, I quickly gathered myself together and got ready for work.
I decided to walk that day - I needed time to think. My therapist used to say overthinking things wasn't good, but I've always believed that examining things in your mind thoroughly helps you be decisive in decisions, and be prepared for otherwise-unforseen events. The latter was my concern: What would I do if Paul rejected me? I had no friggin' clue, and that upset me.
Walking to work took a bit longer than I thought, and just as I reached for the door to enter the lobby, my phone rang. My stomach fell as I read the screen: it was a text from Paul.
Mike -- can't go tonight, but I wanted to talk to you. I'm coming over. Got your address from Facebook. -J
I had only a few minutes till my shift started, so I quickly replied:
I'm not at home. Shift starts @ 10 at the pool. -Mike
I rushed in, got changed, and got on deck just in time for the open swim to start. I didn't know what was going to happen with Paul, but I couldn't think about that while supervising swimmers. That day's group was a rowdy bunch, and kept me busy. By 10:30 I had already done a rescue - some kid pushed in their kid sister and mom wasn't watching. An easy pull-out, but a nuisance nonetheless. Now I'm dripping wet, and have to lifeguard for over 2.5 hours more. I took a few seconds to try to dry myself off a bit before going back up on duty (mostly unsuccessful), and then a soft voice behind me said "Nice save, man."
Whirling around, I saw Paul giving me a sly grin. He was wearing a bathing suit, but was still dry. Fuck, he's gorgeous... just as I imagined in the shower that morning, he had a compact, muscular frame - not that of a bodybuilder, more like a soccer player. Rugby player, I later learned. After a bit of an awkward silence, I realized I was staring a bit. "I just wanted to let you know" He began. But I cut him off: "Sorry, I can't talk right now, I have to go back on duty."
"Oh... ok. That's fine," wish a glance down. He looked positively dejected. "I'm staying for the swim - are you done at 1?"
"Yeah." Lame, but I could barely think with this gentle creature taunting me with his body. Luckily I was wearing a jammer, so he couldn't see the effect the sight of his body had on me. A jammer is like a speedo, but goes to the knee.
"OK, I'll find you later then." I couldn't figure out if that was meant to be ominous or not. Abruptly, he turned, and headed for the water slides.
"Sure" - he didn't hear me over the din.
Back up on duty, I had a hell of a time paying attention. Not only was I preoccupied with trying in vain to figure out what he meant, I was about to rotate over to the supervise the slides.
By the time I got there, he was having a grand time, laughing and rushing up the stairs to go down again and again - his muscles shiny with a combination of water and sweat, his light brown hair plastered to his forehead. And again, that grin. He was even a good swimmer, and he didn't run across the deck, making me smile a bit inside. Abruptly, I realized I wasn't watching the pool at all, and made a conscious effort to ignore the beauty for the rest of the swim.
Towards the end of the swim, things died down, and I saw Paul leave for the changerooms. 1 rolled around, and I headed to the staff room after clearing the pool. My hands felt like they were trembling as I dressed. I was anxious about this, but I didn't want to keep Paul waiting, so I didn't even shower.
As I headed out, a hand grabbed my shoulder - it was Paul.
"Do you mind if we grab something to eat? I'm starving. I didn't eat breakfast."
"Yeah, sure; the cafeteria is downstairs. They have really awesome chicken fingers and fries. I always get that."
We headed off, my fears not abated one bit.
At the cafeteria, the "lunch lady" (she's actually quite an attractive young woman and makes great food, it's just an in-joke between her and I) took our orders:
"Chicken and fries for you, and for you?"
"I guess I'll have the same thing." Paul said with a grin. Thankfully I was standing behind him, or else I might have melted then and there.
"Good choice dear, I see Mike has taught you well. I'll bring it out when it's ready."
We grabbed a table near the back, but there wasn't anywhere away from other tables of people.
"So, I guess..." Paul started, clearly uncomfortable. "I liked talking to you too, and I can't go to the Triangle tonight, so I figured we could just spend this time together instead."
"Yeah, definitely!" I was elated. No rejection here. "Did you have fun swimming?" I knew the answer, but a safe place to start.
"Oh, definitely! I didn't know we had such a cool pool close to the university."
"Yeah, it's pretty convenient. And it's a decent job if you don't mind getting wet."
"Yeah, I saw that. I don't mind you getting wet." I paused - whaa? "So, I guess you have to do a lot of training to handle situations like that. Lifting a person out of the water like that while swimming can't be easy."
"Well that's why they pay us the big bucks" eye roll "But yeah, I train a lot. Weights 2 times a week, cardio 2 times a week, and swimming 2 times a week. And we have to practice the technical skills every session. But it's not that hard if you know what you're doing." Paul seemed interested, so I kept going. "If you just try to lift someone up, it'll be really hard, but we use a special carry that leverages your own boyancy and sacrifices the lifeguard's safety to get the victim's shoulders out of the water."
"Awesome. Still, I'm impressed. I'm an okay swimmer, but I know I couldn't do that."
"You're not an okay swimmer, you're a good, strong swimmer. Actually, you'd probably make a great lifeguard if you wanted to take the courses."
He blushed, and stayed quiet for a bit, looking down. I realized our food was taking a bit longer than normal. "I'm gonna go see if our food is ready yet."
"Sure. Thanks." Paul seemed distracted.
As I headed over to the counter, I could see the lunch lady had our food ready & waiting under the heat lamp.
"Didn't want to disturb you. It's still fresh."
I thanked her & headed back to the table. We ate quickly and started to head back towards campus. It turned out to be a sunny day, so I suggested we head for the quad & lounge until he had to head to work.
I laid down in the grass and closed my eyes, letting the sun warm my body. I heard Paul slip off his backpack, and sit down. The zipper opened, and he pulled something out, and laid down next to me. It was a book, and I could hear him finding his page to start reading. With a little sound of frustration, I heard Paul shuffle a bit, and he put his head on my stomach, surprising me. I opened my eyes with a start, and Paul started to get up, thinking I was objecting.
"No, it's fine." I said, and he relaxed again, putting his head back on my stomach gently.
"It's just.. I've no other pillow."
"It's fine. What are you reading?"
"Susan Neiman, Moral Clarity. It's that book of hers I was telling you about. About Enlightenment principles and how they relate to morality?"
"Yeah, I think she spoke about it a bit at Beyond Belief."
"Yeah, it's really interesting. If you're into that sort of thing, I guess."
"Why don't you read a bit to me?"
Paul seemed surprised by that. "OK, sure."
As he launched into the 3rd chapter, I laid my head back, and listened to his voice. Not what he was reading to me, just his voice. It was deep, but not overly so - smooth and confident. He had a funny habit of taking a quick breath right before each sentence. Somehow, he made a work of philosophy sound as interesting as any kid's story, his voice was truly animated and I could tell he enjoyed learning about philosophy, and equally enjoyed sharing it with me. I listned a bit more carefully, trying to absorb what he was saying and not focus on the gentle lilt of his voice and his head pressing into my middle. Still, I gently drifted, and fell asleep in the sun, Paul still speaking in the background.