Mountain Magic by Sequoyah
NOTE: This story was completed about two years ago. While I got several letters about its abrupt ending, it was only recently that one made me go back and look at the Nifty posting. For whatever reason, chapters 37 and 38 were never posted--probably because I thought I had posted them and had not. So for those who have not found the story elsewhere, here are MM 37 and 38.
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Chapter Thirty-seven
As soon as we were inside, Luke picked up a stout stick I hadn't noticed before and struck the side of the lodge. When he did, Tim closed the flap and we were left in complete darkness, a darkness like I had never known except for the time we spent in the cave during Jonathan's rescue. Silence... the silence was eerie.
After we had been sitting in silence for a while, Luke struck the side of the lodge again. When he did, Tim opened the flap and Granddad brought in four glowing, red-hot rocks, one at a time. When he brought in the first rock, he paused in front of Luke who said, "Hau kola--Hello, friend" as he tapped the rock lightly with his stick.
I could feel the heat from the stone as Granddad placed it in the stone pit. He quickly made three more trips to bring in rocks. When he had placed the last rock in the stone pit, he brought a bucket of water and a gourd dipper and sat them beside Matt. When he left, Tim once again closed the flap. This time we were not in complete darkness as the red-hot stones cast a glow throughout the lodge.
As I stared at the glowing stones, Luke again reminded us that if anyone became frightened or fearful during the sweat, to try to summon courage to stay, but if they could not, simply to say, "I need to leave," and the ceremony would be stopped, the lodge opened.
"The first endurance is the black endurance, the endurance of the west," Luke continued. "The west is the home of spirit beings. Some day, if we have lived a good life, we will join our ancestors and the other spirits in the west. Now we call upon them for aid."
Matt said, "Water is the life blood of our planet. Drops of water with a long history from many places are met in the water we bring to this sacred place. May we be made whole as our sweat joins with the water from the earth."
When he finished, he poured a dipper of water over the red-hot rocks, raising clouds of steam. After a short pause, Matt poured three more dippers of water over the stones. As the steam rose, Luke started blowing an eagle wing whistle as Matt sounded a small hand drum.
I stared at the stones and as I did, they seemed alive as shadows moved and whirled over their surface. As I watched the stones, the sound of the drum and whistle seemed to recede into the distance until I was barely conscious of them. I was called back when Luke began chanting a prayer in English.
"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us--we who are gathered here in this sacred place upon Mother Earth's bosom.
We call upon the four powers We call upon the four directions We call upon the four Spirits.
We call upon Father Sky who watches over us. We call upon Mother Earth who nurtures us. We call upon White Buffalo Calf Woman to guide us. We call upon our ancestors to help us.
Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us.
We beseech you, for all our relatives--our two-legged relatives, our four-legged relatives, for our winged relatives, our finned relatives.
Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
When he had finished, the whistle and drum were sounded again and after a short time, Matt said, "Let us introduce ourselves to the Spirits. Grandfather, Wakan Tanka, Spirits of West, I am Silver Wolf and I cry to you for Jonathan and for my brothers and sister here in this sacred place. Give us a good sweat. Send my spirit guide to aid me. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
As soon as Matt finished, Wes said, "I am Wadaduga, Dragonfly, your Tsalagi son. I cry for my brother Jonathan and for my brothers and sister on Mother Earth's bosom. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
One after another, the introductions were made around the circle until it was Luke's time. "Spirits, it is Fire Thunderbird. I join my plea to those of my brothers and sister for all and especially for our well-loved brother Jonathan. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
The drum and whistle were sounded for a few minutes, then there was silence.
TOM
This business of the sweat lodge and all the talk about spirits seemed spooky to me. It was like I was witnessing something out of a movie. It didn't seem real. I had agreed to go along with it and participate as fully as I could because of Jonathan. Poor kid, he had told me his story and asked me to be a part of the sweat. He had had a very rough time of it and if a sweat was going to benefit him, I was ready and willing to do what I could to make it happen.
It wasn't that I thought it was foolishness--well, maybe a little bit--but just that I had never been very much into spiritual things.
Anyway, last weekend I had helped build the sweat lodge and had decided that whether or not the sweat accomplished anything, it was great to be with the group of friends I was getting to know pretty well.
I had always heard that the best way to cement friendship is to work together. When I got home following the afternoon building the sweat lodge, I told Mom and Dad that certainly it seemed to be true. "In a way, I feel I have known that bunch for a long, long time. I mean I really liked them all and have enjoyed spending time with them, but now I feel like we are old friends. Yeah, like we have known each other for ages."
Then, when we arrived at the lodge Sunday afternoon, it seemed as if we had been there just a short time before, not a week ago. I enjoyed being with everyone again and found I was getting into the mood for a sweat as Matt and Luke talked about it, even if I still wasn't sure what it was.
Something else made it all feel right. It was obvious Matt and Luke were very much in love. Their playfulness reminded me of some good times with Derrick, my late lover. I found myself remembering those good times. Something else surprised me about that. I thought I had pretty much gotten over Derrick's death, as much as I suspected I ever would, but being with Matt and Luke, I felt the wound afresh. I tried not to let my pain be known. After all, this sweat was for Jonathan's benefit.
Then I was really surprised at my reaction to greeting the sun. Had anyone told me about it, I think I would have dismissed it as a bit of spiritual nonsense, but it wasn't. I stood in the chilly morning air, arms uplifted, greeting a new day and being thankful for it but also, as the sun rose above the mountain tops, I felt a sharp dagger of longing for my lost lover pierce my heart. Mixed feelings? Mixed emotions? You bet!
Before the first endurance began, we were all sitting in the darkness--and I do mean darkness. I felt the presence of my new--no, no longer new--my good friends with me. I don't mean I just felt them present in the lodge with me, but PRESENT with me. I had a feeling of waiting, of anticipating, of expecting something--what it was I hadn't the foggiest idea, but they were a part of it. I was sure of that.
Mr. McElrath brought in four glowing, red-hot stones one at a time and the first endurance began. Luke did a long prayer--a chant--and then we all introduced ourselves to the spirits. I must admit I did feel a bit foolish talking to spirits as though they were real. When we had finished the introductions, we were told to ask for spirits to assist us but, since we didn't do it out loud, I didn't mentally say anything. As I said, I certainly didn't believe in any such thing as spirits.
Since I didn't, you can imagine my surprise when, while Matt and Luke sounded a whistle and drum, I heard a voice behind me, "So you don't believe in spirits, huh? Turn around, dumbass, I'm here!" A laugh, Derrick's laugh, Derrick's voice!!
When I turned around, I saw that the side of the sweat lodge was open and Derrick was standing just outside. "Come on! We don't have all day," he laughed again.
I got up, stepped out of the sweat lodge and into our bamboo-sheltered place on the river--and it seemed a perfectly natural thing to do. I grabbed Derrick in my arms, but he wasn't really there. I mean he was, but he was not solid. "What did you expect, Tom? I'm a spirit and I'm here to get your head straight."
We sat in the warm spring sun and talked. Mostly, I guess I listened. Derrick told me exactly what had happened. It was as I had suspected, knew: his stepfather had shoved him against the railing and he had fallen.
I felt the anger and hatred I had felt for the man returning, and was ready to speak when, as he had done often before, Derrick placed his finger against my lips and said, "Don't speak in anger, Tom." He told me he had struggled with his anger. "We had a whole beautiful life ahead of us and a man who was too small for our world destroyed it. I hated him for that, I hated him for causing you pain and sorrow, but then I realized he was still controlling me. He had a grip on me through my anger and, gradually, I have let it go."
I am still here, tied here, because you have not let me go; well, and because I have not been ready to go. But now, Tom, you have started a new life. You have new friends, a new school. Life moves on for you. You must turn loose. You must, Tom, for both our sakes. You have a long, full life to live before you join the spirit world, but only if you let the past be the past. Remember our love, but know that it is in the past and will never return."
We talked a long while, then Derrick said, "I saw you when you came into the hospital room to tell me goodbye. I was standing right behind you, but neither of us was ready for me to make myself known to you. Now it's time for both of us to move on. Remember me, Tom, but let me go. There will be another love for you. Love him without bounds as he will you, and as you deserve." With those words, he kissed me--it was like the barest brush of a spring breeze--on the forehead and was gone.
As Derrick vanished, I heard Luke tap the side of the sweat lodge and Tim opened the flap. The cool, refreshing air rushed in, and was most welcome!!
While Tim held the flap open, Matt said, "How easy it is to forget what is important. We breath without thinking, yet it is the air we breath that keeps us alive. Therefore, as we breath the cool and refreshing air now, remember to be thankful for each breath of our life. One day we will all draw our last breath. It is no more and no less important than our first or any between, but it is the breath that divides this world from the world of the spirits."
I thought to myself, as I felt the cool air, "And sometimes the two worlds come together and give new life, life as refreshing as the air I so welcome now."
DOUGLAS
Luke tapped the lodge and Granddad brought in two rocks, each glowing red, and placed them in the pit with those which were no longer glowing--but definitely still hot! When Granddad left, Tim closed the flap.
"We begin the white endurance, the second endurance, the endurance of the north. Be reminded of the great white giant, the face of winter, which puts Mother Earth to sleep--white, the color of strength, of cleanliness and honesty," Luke said. "Each of us in our own way, along our own path, needs courage and each of us has shown courage. Think of those in the lodge with you and the times their courage has been called up. Think of the times you have had to have courage. While Mother Earth endures the frigid breath of winter, she is gathering strength for the new life to come, so endure."
Matt started pouring water over the rocks and great billows of steam arose, much more than before. As the sweat lodge began to fill with steam, Matt still poured water over the hot rocks.
Luke said, "Endurance, cleanliness, strength, purity, these are the marks of the second endurance. These keep us knowing, being and doing right. These keep our life, our purpose, focused on the right path. These enable us to live among our friends--two-legged and four-legged--in harmony."
"May our word be truth, May our actions be for the good, May our relationships be honest."
"As we give up some of our waters," Matt said, "in this endurance, may the mingling of our waters with the waters of the earth make us pure." Matt then passed out sprigs of sage, "Sage helps drive away bad spirits. Chew on it or not, as you wish."
CODY
I didn't know what I was getting into when I agreed to join Jonathan in a sweat lodge. I mean I didn't know what it was all about and Jonathan wasn't a lot of help! I didn't know what part--if any--I would be playing or what it had to do with me. That sort of not knowing.
When the sweat started, I thought it was pretty cool--guess that's not the right word for a sweat lodge!! Anyway, I thought it was good to be included in some kind of adventure and the sweat certainly looked like it would be one.
The first endurance was kinda spooky, but fun. The chanting, drum and whistle were cool. I had never seen red-hot rocks before and when they were brought in, I just stared at them--I mean the way you stare at clouds, you know, seeing things in the shape of the clouds, only in the sweat lodge it was kinda like figures moving all over the rocks.
After the drum and whistle had been played for a few minutes, water was poured over the rocks and there was steam all over the place. When the flap was opened and the cool air let in, I was really glad. I was ready for some cool air.
Then, before I knew it, the second endurance--that's what Matt and Luke called it--began. They are medicine men and are a gay couple. I thought it was strange that there'd be gay medicine men. Then, about the time the second endurance started, I realized Hank and I were the only two straight men in the lodge and outside, only Mr. McElrath was straight!
We had been told we'd be given sage which was supposed to help us drive away bad spirits. Matt said we could chew on it or not. It was up to us. I started chewing on the sage because, while I wouldn't have called them bad spirits, there were things I hoped I could drive away. As I chewed, things changed! BANG! Just like that, they really changed!
Matt and Luke talked about honesty and being strong and clean--inside clean, I mean. They talked about keeping our actions honest, our words true and our relationships honest. I guess I was kinda not paying attention when it hit--like a brick upside the head.
I don't know what IT was, but suddenly the whole past year was playing out in front of me. The best way to describe it is to say that as I stared at the hot rocks, it was like I could see in them a movie--no, a play with real people.
It started in Sammy's room back when I was living with my mom in Raleigh. The two of us were sitting facing each other, him between my legs and we were jerking each other off. We started doing that before we could really cum, and did that pretty often. From the beginning, we told each other we were not gay, but it didn't matter to me. I loved playing with Sammy and having him play with Lil' Cody. That day after we shot, I leaned over and pulled his face to mine and kissed him on the lips.
I don't know what I expected him to do. That's not true. I do know. I expected him to kiss me back. Instead, he leaned away from me and yelled, "You cock-sucking faggot, get away from me," as he hit me in the face. That wasn't enough I guess because he spit on me as he stood up and shouted some more. I was so shocked I didn't move.
Sammy had shouted so loud his mother burst into the room and saw me sitting there. Sammy was pulling his pants up when she arrived. When he saw his mother, he shouted, "Mama, Cody is a cock-sucking faggot. He tried to suck my cock." Now I had done no such thing. I mean I had thought about it, but that was all. Sammy's mother told me to get out of their house and never come back. She actually shoved me out the front door pantsless and tossed my boxers and pants after me.
I grabbed my clothes, yanked them on and ran home, hot tears running down my face. "Sammy SPIT on me," I kept saying over and over to myself.
When I got home, Sammy's mother had called Ma and told her all sorts of things, most of which were not true. She had me painted as someone who had tried to rip the clothes off her darling, pure-as-snow son and have sex with him. I kinda wanted to laugh because Sammy has showed me how to jerk off and was forever coming up with new ways to do it. He was the one that stole lotion from his mom for us to use. That kind of thing.
Now Ma was generally mad about something, anything, all the time, but when she could blame me for something--guilty or not--I was the scapegoat. I guess it started when she blamed me for my father leaving. I don't remember him at all because he left when I was about two.
I was born with a whole bunch of problems and spent most of my first two years in and out of the hospital, being taken from this specialist to that one. My old man just wanted me gone and Ma back taking care of him. Well, I took up most of Ma's time and strength and most of the household money. Besides, I guess I cried a lot. Well, I'm sure I did. Anyway, my old man finally had enough and left. Ma said one night when she couldn't get me quiet and asleep, he said, "God damn it, I've had it, it's me or that squalling brat."
She told me that over and over ever since I could remember, and it didn't help any when she started adding, "I think I made the wrong choice."
The highest praise Ma could give me was, "Thank God, it looks like you may turn out normal after all." See, Ma told me that's what my old man said all the time. "Why'd you have to have THAT instead of a normal kid?" She never told me why I was not "normal" and when I came to western North Carolina, I asked my auntie and she said I had problems when I was born and it had taken time to get them straightened out. A heart defect was the last to be repaired and the scar I had across my chest says it wasn't minor. "But now you're perfectly normal." I could have told her I was determined to stay normal, but I didn't.
Anyway, after ranting and raving for an hour or more, Ma finally said, "I thought you were finally normal and you turn out to be a pervert, a god damn fairy. Guess they didn't repair that defect."
Well, Ma got louder and uglier at home, making my life there miserable, and while that was bad enough, school was worse. I had always done well in school and had friends there and the teachers liked me. School was a refuge from home. It had been, but when I went to school the day after Sammy and I had been caught, he had spread tales, lies, telling all who would listen--and most did!--I had tried to suck his cock and get him to butt fuck me. I don't have to tell you what that meant!
School became pure hell. For the first time since kindergarten, home, bad as it was, was better than school. I developed all sorts of excuses for not going to school and some of them became pretty real. I couldn't eat without throwing up. I couldn't get to homeroom before I threw up. Lunch? Forget it. When I did go to school, I crawled into a shell. Didn't matter, I didn't have any friends left anyway. At least no-one beat the shit out of me. After a bunch of assholes last year beat unconscious a kid who they called a faggot, it was made very clear that "you throw you go," and that wasn't home! The police came and hauled you away in cuffs.
When I was home, I locked myself in my room, refusing to come out for hours at a time.
Yet, all the time I thought I was working hard at being normal. I would NOT be gay. I would NOT be a faggot. I would NOT be a pervert.
Finally, when the school sent a truant officer around and he threatened Ma with jail unless I stayed in school, she had had enough. She called my uncle and when he said he'd take me, she told me, "He's a hillbilly with a house full of kids, so one more won't matter. I told him you were having problems here and needed to get away. I didn't tell him you are a cock-sucking faggot and you better not let him find out!" I didn't bother telling her I had never sucked a cock. What did she care? She was getting rid of me.
So the day after school let out for Christmas holidays, I was on a bus from Raleigh headed for Clarksville in the Carolina mountains. Hillbilly country. Land of the Rednecks. Hicksville.
My cousin Ken met me at Clarksville and I ended up in Coldsprings--kinda, it was all country to me. I would be living with my Uncle and Auntie Nash who only had three other kids. When I arrived, they fussed over me like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, welcoming me like a gift from heaven. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Ken took me shopping for Christmas presents--Uncle Nash had given me twenty dollars to spend! At mom's we never did anything about Christmas after I started school. Anyway, it might be hillbilly country, but I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Then, wouldn't you know it, Christmas Eve when Ken and I went to the church to help decorate, I met a beautiful guy, Jonathan. He had been kicked out by his family and almost died. Then he had been taken in by a family who thought he was great. We became good friends and one day I asked if he had ever jerked off with another guy and before I knew it, we were doing it. Then, Ma called.
She wanted to know if I was keeping my secret and warned me that if anyone found out I was a faggot, I was on my own. She painted a pretty rotten picture of what that would look like, so much so that I started putting the brakes on Jonathan's and my relationship.
But it was a constant battle. Add to that the fact that Jonathan was gay and all his friends knew it. One day we were jerking off each other and he kissed me. We kissed sometimes when we were playing with each other. I liked it, but kept telling him I wasn't queer. Then he kissed me and tried to stick his tongue into my mouth and I shoved him away. He was pretty upset and confused. Small wonder.
Anyway, you get the picture. Now here I was involved in a sweat in which honesty and courage were being talked about, and I was a lying coward. Who was I fooling?
Then it occurred to me that Hank and Mr. McElrath were the only two straight men involved in this whole undertaking and none of the others had anything to be ashamed of. Now I know this is going to sound very weird and strange but, so help me, this is what happened. When that thought struck, the top of the sweat lodge suddenly opened up and a wonderful cooling rain poured down on me.
Then, I was outside myself. At least that's the only way I know to describe it. I saw myself sitting in the lodge as the rain poured over me. It poured over my body, washing darkness from me. A blackness ran off my body and soaked into the ground. Then, suddenly, I was standing on the ledge overlooking the valley, welcoming the sun. It didn't seem strange at all that I was both standing there as I had done earlier AND looking at myself standing there--tall, strong, brave. I was, of course, wearing only the breech cloth and I did like what I saw because I saw me as I really could be, as someone who loved Jonathan with his whole heart and who Jonathan could love. I looked at myself and shouted, "Yes!!! Yes, a new, honest Cody welcomes a new day!"
I guess I didn't really shout because suddenly I was back in the lodge and no-one I could see in the glow of the rocks was looking at me. I still had the sage in my mouth and I guess very little time had passed because I had barely chewed it. But there certainly had been some bad spirits driven away!
I wanted to stand and shout, "Jonathan, Cody loves you!" but I didn't.
The steam was not as great as it had been, but that soon changed when Matt poured a dipper of water over the stones. As the steam arose, he and Luke took bird's wing fans and waved the steam about us as Luke chanted over and over, "Give us strength and courage to be honest and pure."
Another dipper of water was poured over the stones and we all sat in silence. In silence, but inside I was shouting over and over again, "I am honest and courageous and I love Jonathan Henderson! I do, I do, I do!"
After all the prayers and so on, we were all silent for a while. Finally Luke rapped on the side of the lodge and Tim opened the flap. As soon as it was opened, the cool air rushed in and I was glad. Luke asked, "How are y'all doing?" Everyone answered pretty enthusiastically and I'm sure everyone was surprised when I shouted, "Cody's just great!"
DOUGLAS
As soon as Tim opened the flap, Luke asked how we were doing and Cody shouted at the top of his lungs, "Cody's just great!" I wondered what was going on with him. "A new Cody mystery," I thought.
Matt handed Granddad the bucket and he brought it back filled with fresh water. Matt poured a dipper of water over his head, as he said something in Lakota then in English, "Water for my relatives." He refilled the dipper and passed it to Wes as he said, "Refresh yourself if you like." The dipper was passed around the circle and as each one emptied it over his or her head, it was passed, always clockwise, back to Matt who refilled it. I could not believe how good the cool water felt as I poured a dipper over my head.
By the time Luke had poured water over his head, the water bucket was empty. Granddad refilled it then he brought several red-hot stones and added them to the stones in the pit which were no longer hot--well, I bet they were pretty warm but not really hot, hot.
The flap was again closed.
"Look into the stones and see what they are saying to you," Luke said when the flap was closed.
As soon as we were inside, Luke picked up a stout stick I hadn't noticed before and struck the side of the lodge. When he did, Tim closed the flap and we were left in complete darkness, a darkness like I had never known except for the time we spent in the cave during Jonathan's rescue. Silence... the silence was eerie.
After we had been sitting in silence for a while, Luke struck the side of the lodge again. When he did, Tim opened the flap and Granddad brought in four glowing, red-hot rocks, one at a time. When he brought in the first rock, he paused in front of Luke who said, "Hau kola--Hello, friend" as he tapped the rock lightly with his stick.
I could feel the heat from the stone as Granddad placed it in the stone pit. He quickly made three more trips to bring in rocks. When he had placed the last rock in the stone pit, he brought a bucket of water and a gourd dipper and sat them beside Matt. When he left, Tim once again closed the flap. This time we were not in complete darkness as the red-hot stones cast a glow throughout the lodge.
As I stared at the glowing stones, Luke again reminded us that if anyone became frightened or fearful during the sweat, to try to summon courage to stay, but if they could not, simply to say, "I need to leave," and the ceremony would be stopped, the lodge opened.
"The first endurance is the black endurance, the endurance of the west," Luke continued. "The west is the home of spirit beings. Some day, if we have lived a good life, we will join our ancestors and the other spirits in the west. Now we call upon them for aid."
Matt said, "Water is the life blood of our planet. Drops of water with a long history from many places are met in the water we bring to this sacred place. May we be made whole as our sweat joins with the water from the earth."
When he finished, he poured a dipper of water over the red-hot rocks, raising clouds of steam. After a short pause, Matt poured three more dippers of water over the stones. As the steam rose, Luke started blowing an eagle wing whistle as Matt sounded a small hand drum.
I stared at the stones and as I did, they seemed alive as shadows moved and whirled over their surface. As I watched the stones, the sound of the drum and whistle seemed to recede into the distance until I was barely conscious of them. I was called back when Luke began chanting a prayer in English.
"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us--we who are gathered here in this sacred place upon Mother Earth's bosom.
We call upon the four powers We call upon the four directions We call upon the four Spirits.
We call upon Father Sky who watches over us. We call upon Mother Earth who nurtures us. We call upon White Buffalo Calf Woman to guide us. We call upon our ancestors to help us.
Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us.
We beseech you, for all our relatives--our two-legged relatives, our four-legged relatives, for our winged relatives, our finned relatives.
Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
When he had finished, the whistle and drum were sounded again and after a short time, Matt said, "Let us introduce ourselves to the Spirits. Grandfather, Wakan Tanka, Spirits of West, I am Silver Wolf and I cry to you for Jonathan and for my brothers and sister here in this sacred place. Give us a good sweat. Send my spirit guide to aid me. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
As soon as Matt finished, Wes said, "I am Wadaduga, Dragonfly, your Tsalagi son. I cry for my brother Jonathan and for my brothers and sister on Mother Earth's bosom. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
One after another, the introductions were made around the circle until it was Luke's time. "Spirits, it is Fire Thunderbird. I join my plea to those of my brothers and sister for all and especially for our well-loved brother Jonathan. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."
The drum and whistle were sounded for a few minutes, then there was silence.
TOM
This business of the sweat lodge and all the talk about spirits seemed spooky to me. It was like I was witnessing something out of a movie. It didn't seem real. I had agreed to go along with it and participate as fully as I could because of Jonathan. Poor kid, he had told me his story and asked me to be a part of the sweat. He had had a very rough time of it and if a sweat was going to benefit him, I was ready and willing to do what I could to make it happen.
It wasn't that I thought it was foolishness--well, maybe a little bit--but just that I had never been very much into spiritual things.
Anyway, last weekend I had helped build the sweat lodge and had decided that whether or not the sweat accomplished anything, it was great to be with the group of friends I was getting to know pretty well.
I had always heard that the best way to cement friendship is to work together. When I got home following the afternoon building the sweat lodge, I told Mom and Dad that certainly it seemed to be true. "In a way, I feel I have known that bunch for a long, long time. I mean I really liked them all and have enjoyed spending time with them, but now I feel like we are old friends. Yeah, like we have known each other for ages."
Then, when we arrived at the lodge Sunday afternoon, it seemed as if we had been there just a short time before, not a week ago. I enjoyed being with everyone again and found I was getting into the mood for a sweat as Matt and Luke talked about it, even if I still wasn't sure what it was.
Something else made it all feel right. It was obvious Matt and Luke were very much in love. Their playfulness reminded me of some good times with Derrick, my late lover. I found myself remembering those good times. Something else surprised me about that. I thought I had pretty much gotten over Derrick's death, as much as I suspected I ever would, but being with Matt and Luke, I felt the wound afresh. I tried not to let my pain be known. After all, this sweat was for Jonathan's benefit.
Then I was really surprised at my reaction to greeting the sun. Had anyone told me about it, I think I would have dismissed it as a bit of spiritual nonsense, but it wasn't. I stood in the chilly morning air, arms uplifted, greeting a new day and being thankful for it but also, as the sun rose above the mountain tops, I felt a sharp dagger of longing for my lost lover pierce my heart. Mixed feelings? Mixed emotions? You bet!
Before the first endurance began, we were all sitting in the darkness--and I do mean darkness. I felt the presence of my new--no, no longer new--my good friends with me. I don't mean I just felt them present in the lodge with me, but PRESENT with me. I had a feeling of waiting, of anticipating, of expecting something--what it was I hadn't the foggiest idea, but they were a part of it. I was sure of that.
Mr. McElrath brought in four glowing, red-hot stones one at a time and the first endurance began. Luke did a long prayer--a chant--and then we all introduced ourselves to the spirits. I must admit I did feel a bit foolish talking to spirits as though they were real. When we had finished the introductions, we were told to ask for spirits to assist us but, since we didn't do it out loud, I didn't mentally say anything. As I said, I certainly didn't believe in any such thing as spirits.
Since I didn't, you can imagine my surprise when, while Matt and Luke sounded a whistle and drum, I heard a voice behind me, "So you don't believe in spirits, huh? Turn around, dumbass, I'm here!" A laugh, Derrick's laugh, Derrick's voice!!
When I turned around, I saw that the side of the sweat lodge was open and Derrick was standing just outside. "Come on! We don't have all day," he laughed again.
I got up, stepped out of the sweat lodge and into our bamboo-sheltered place on the river--and it seemed a perfectly natural thing to do. I grabbed Derrick in my arms, but he wasn't really there. I mean he was, but he was not solid. "What did you expect, Tom? I'm a spirit and I'm here to get your head straight."
We sat in the warm spring sun and talked. Mostly, I guess I listened. Derrick told me exactly what had happened. It was as I had suspected, knew: his stepfather had shoved him against the railing and he had fallen.
I felt the anger and hatred I had felt for the man returning, and was ready to speak when, as he had done often before, Derrick placed his finger against my lips and said, "Don't speak in anger, Tom." He told me he had struggled with his anger. "We had a whole beautiful life ahead of us and a man who was too small for our world destroyed it. I hated him for that, I hated him for causing you pain and sorrow, but then I realized he was still controlling me. He had a grip on me through my anger and, gradually, I have let it go."
I am still here, tied here, because you have not let me go; well, and because I have not been ready to go. But now, Tom, you have started a new life. You have new friends, a new school. Life moves on for you. You must turn loose. You must, Tom, for both our sakes. You have a long, full life to live before you join the spirit world, but only if you let the past be the past. Remember our love, but know that it is in the past and will never return."
We talked a long while, then Derrick said, "I saw you when you came into the hospital room to tell me goodbye. I was standing right behind you, but neither of us was ready for me to make myself known to you. Now it's time for both of us to move on. Remember me, Tom, but let me go. There will be another love for you. Love him without bounds as he will you, and as you deserve." With those words, he kissed me--it was like the barest brush of a spring breeze--on the forehead and was gone.
As Derrick vanished, I heard Luke tap the side of the sweat lodge and Tim opened the flap. The cool, refreshing air rushed in, and was most welcome!!
While Tim held the flap open, Matt said, "How easy it is to forget what is important. We breath without thinking, yet it is the air we breath that keeps us alive. Therefore, as we breath the cool and refreshing air now, remember to be thankful for each breath of our life. One day we will all draw our last breath. It is no more and no less important than our first or any between, but it is the breath that divides this world from the world of the spirits."
I thought to myself, as I felt the cool air, "And sometimes the two worlds come together and give new life, life as refreshing as the air I so welcome now."
DOUGLAS
Luke tapped the lodge and Granddad brought in two rocks, each glowing red, and placed them in the pit with those which were no longer glowing--but definitely still hot! When Granddad left, Tim closed the flap.
"We begin the white endurance, the second endurance, the endurance of the north. Be reminded of the great white giant, the face of winter, which puts Mother Earth to sleep--white, the color of strength, of cleanliness and honesty," Luke said. "Each of us in our own way, along our own path, needs courage and each of us has shown courage. Think of those in the lodge with you and the times their courage has been called up. Think of the times you have had to have courage. While Mother Earth endures the frigid breath of winter, she is gathering strength for the new life to come, so endure."
Matt started pouring water over the rocks and great billows of steam arose, much more than before. As the sweat lodge began to fill with steam, Matt still poured water over the hot rocks.
Luke said, "Endurance, cleanliness, strength, purity, these are the marks of the second endurance. These keep us knowing, being and doing right. These keep our life, our purpose, focused on the right path. These enable us to live among our friends--two-legged and four-legged--in harmony."
"May our word be truth, May our actions be for the good, May our relationships be honest."
"As we give up some of our waters," Matt said, "in this endurance, may the mingling of our waters with the waters of the earth make us pure." Matt then passed out sprigs of sage, "Sage helps drive away bad spirits. Chew on it or not, as you wish."
CODY
I didn't know what I was getting into when I agreed to join Jonathan in a sweat lodge. I mean I didn't know what it was all about and Jonathan wasn't a lot of help! I didn't know what part--if any--I would be playing or what it had to do with me. That sort of not knowing.
When the sweat started, I thought it was pretty cool--guess that's not the right word for a sweat lodge!! Anyway, I thought it was good to be included in some kind of adventure and the sweat certainly looked like it would be one.
The first endurance was kinda spooky, but fun. The chanting, drum and whistle were cool. I had never seen red-hot rocks before and when they were brought in, I just stared at them--I mean the way you stare at clouds, you know, seeing things in the shape of the clouds, only in the sweat lodge it was kinda like figures moving all over the rocks.
After the drum and whistle had been played for a few minutes, water was poured over the rocks and there was steam all over the place. When the flap was opened and the cool air let in, I was really glad. I was ready for some cool air.
Then, before I knew it, the second endurance--that's what Matt and Luke called it--began. They are medicine men and are a gay couple. I thought it was strange that there'd be gay medicine men. Then, about the time the second endurance started, I realized Hank and I were the only two straight men in the lodge and outside, only Mr. McElrath was straight!
We had been told we'd be given sage which was supposed to help us drive away bad spirits. Matt said we could chew on it or not. It was up to us. I started chewing on the sage because, while I wouldn't have called them bad spirits, there were things I hoped I could drive away. As I chewed, things changed! BANG! Just like that, they really changed!
Matt and Luke talked about honesty and being strong and clean--inside clean, I mean. They talked about keeping our actions honest, our words true and our relationships honest. I guess I was kinda not paying attention when it hit--like a brick upside the head.
I don't know what IT was, but suddenly the whole past year was playing out in front of me. The best way to describe it is to say that as I stared at the hot rocks, it was like I could see in them a movie--no, a play with real people.
It started in Sammy's room back when I was living with my mom in Raleigh. The two of us were sitting facing each other, him between my legs and we were jerking each other off. We started doing that before we could really cum, and did that pretty often. From the beginning, we told each other we were not gay, but it didn't matter to me. I loved playing with Sammy and having him play with Lil' Cody. That day after we shot, I leaned over and pulled his face to mine and kissed him on the lips.
I don't know what I expected him to do. That's not true. I do know. I expected him to kiss me back. Instead, he leaned away from me and yelled, "You cock-sucking faggot, get away from me," as he hit me in the face. That wasn't enough I guess because he spit on me as he stood up and shouted some more. I was so shocked I didn't move.
Sammy had shouted so loud his mother burst into the room and saw me sitting there. Sammy was pulling his pants up when she arrived. When he saw his mother, he shouted, "Mama, Cody is a cock-sucking faggot. He tried to suck my cock." Now I had done no such thing. I mean I had thought about it, but that was all. Sammy's mother told me to get out of their house and never come back. She actually shoved me out the front door pantsless and tossed my boxers and pants after me.
I grabbed my clothes, yanked them on and ran home, hot tears running down my face. "Sammy SPIT on me," I kept saying over and over to myself.
When I got home, Sammy's mother had called Ma and told her all sorts of things, most of which were not true. She had me painted as someone who had tried to rip the clothes off her darling, pure-as-snow son and have sex with him. I kinda wanted to laugh because Sammy has showed me how to jerk off and was forever coming up with new ways to do it. He was the one that stole lotion from his mom for us to use. That kind of thing.
Now Ma was generally mad about something, anything, all the time, but when she could blame me for something--guilty or not--I was the scapegoat. I guess it started when she blamed me for my father leaving. I don't remember him at all because he left when I was about two.
I was born with a whole bunch of problems and spent most of my first two years in and out of the hospital, being taken from this specialist to that one. My old man just wanted me gone and Ma back taking care of him. Well, I took up most of Ma's time and strength and most of the household money. Besides, I guess I cried a lot. Well, I'm sure I did. Anyway, my old man finally had enough and left. Ma said one night when she couldn't get me quiet and asleep, he said, "God damn it, I've had it, it's me or that squalling brat."
She told me that over and over ever since I could remember, and it didn't help any when she started adding, "I think I made the wrong choice."
The highest praise Ma could give me was, "Thank God, it looks like you may turn out normal after all." See, Ma told me that's what my old man said all the time. "Why'd you have to have THAT instead of a normal kid?" She never told me why I was not "normal" and when I came to western North Carolina, I asked my auntie and she said I had problems when I was born and it had taken time to get them straightened out. A heart defect was the last to be repaired and the scar I had across my chest says it wasn't minor. "But now you're perfectly normal." I could have told her I was determined to stay normal, but I didn't.
Anyway, after ranting and raving for an hour or more, Ma finally said, "I thought you were finally normal and you turn out to be a pervert, a god damn fairy. Guess they didn't repair that defect."
Well, Ma got louder and uglier at home, making my life there miserable, and while that was bad enough, school was worse. I had always done well in school and had friends there and the teachers liked me. School was a refuge from home. It had been, but when I went to school the day after Sammy and I had been caught, he had spread tales, lies, telling all who would listen--and most did!--I had tried to suck his cock and get him to butt fuck me. I don't have to tell you what that meant!
School became pure hell. For the first time since kindergarten, home, bad as it was, was better than school. I developed all sorts of excuses for not going to school and some of them became pretty real. I couldn't eat without throwing up. I couldn't get to homeroom before I threw up. Lunch? Forget it. When I did go to school, I crawled into a shell. Didn't matter, I didn't have any friends left anyway. At least no-one beat the shit out of me. After a bunch of assholes last year beat unconscious a kid who they called a faggot, it was made very clear that "you throw you go," and that wasn't home! The police came and hauled you away in cuffs.
When I was home, I locked myself in my room, refusing to come out for hours at a time.
Yet, all the time I thought I was working hard at being normal. I would NOT be gay. I would NOT be a faggot. I would NOT be a pervert.
Finally, when the school sent a truant officer around and he threatened Ma with jail unless I stayed in school, she had had enough. She called my uncle and when he said he'd take me, she told me, "He's a hillbilly with a house full of kids, so one more won't matter. I told him you were having problems here and needed to get away. I didn't tell him you are a cock-sucking faggot and you better not let him find out!" I didn't bother telling her I had never sucked a cock. What did she care? She was getting rid of me.
So the day after school let out for Christmas holidays, I was on a bus from Raleigh headed for Clarksville in the Carolina mountains. Hillbilly country. Land of the Rednecks. Hicksville.
My cousin Ken met me at Clarksville and I ended up in Coldsprings--kinda, it was all country to me. I would be living with my Uncle and Auntie Nash who only had three other kids. When I arrived, they fussed over me like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, welcoming me like a gift from heaven. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Ken took me shopping for Christmas presents--Uncle Nash had given me twenty dollars to spend! At mom's we never did anything about Christmas after I started school. Anyway, it might be hillbilly country, but I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Then, wouldn't you know it, Christmas Eve when Ken and I went to the church to help decorate, I met a beautiful guy, Jonathan. He had been kicked out by his family and almost died. Then he had been taken in by a family who thought he was great. We became good friends and one day I asked if he had ever jerked off with another guy and before I knew it, we were doing it. Then, Ma called.
She wanted to know if I was keeping my secret and warned me that if anyone found out I was a faggot, I was on my own. She painted a pretty rotten picture of what that would look like, so much so that I started putting the brakes on Jonathan's and my relationship.
But it was a constant battle. Add to that the fact that Jonathan was gay and all his friends knew it. One day we were jerking off each other and he kissed me. We kissed sometimes when we were playing with each other. I liked it, but kept telling him I wasn't queer. Then he kissed me and tried to stick his tongue into my mouth and I shoved him away. He was pretty upset and confused. Small wonder.
Anyway, you get the picture. Now here I was involved in a sweat in which honesty and courage were being talked about, and I was a lying coward. Who was I fooling?
Then it occurred to me that Hank and Mr. McElrath were the only two straight men involved in this whole undertaking and none of the others had anything to be ashamed of. Now I know this is going to sound very weird and strange but, so help me, this is what happened. When that thought struck, the top of the sweat lodge suddenly opened up and a wonderful cooling rain poured down on me.
Then, I was outside myself. At least that's the only way I know to describe it. I saw myself sitting in the lodge as the rain poured over me. It poured over my body, washing darkness from me. A blackness ran off my body and soaked into the ground. Then, suddenly, I was standing on the ledge overlooking the valley, welcoming the sun. It didn't seem strange at all that I was both standing there as I had done earlier AND looking at myself standing there--tall, strong, brave. I was, of course, wearing only the breech cloth and I did like what I saw because I saw me as I really could be, as someone who loved Jonathan with his whole heart and who Jonathan could love. I looked at myself and shouted, "Yes!!! Yes, a new, honest Cody welcomes a new day!"
I guess I didn't really shout because suddenly I was back in the lodge and no-one I could see in the glow of the rocks was looking at me. I still had the sage in my mouth and I guess very little time had passed because I had barely chewed it. But there certainly had been some bad spirits driven away!
I wanted to stand and shout, "Jonathan, Cody loves you!" but I didn't.
The steam was not as great as it had been, but that soon changed when Matt poured a dipper of water over the stones. As the steam arose, he and Luke took bird's wing fans and waved the steam about us as Luke chanted over and over, "Give us strength and courage to be honest and pure."
Another dipper of water was poured over the stones and we all sat in silence. In silence, but inside I was shouting over and over again, "I am honest and courageous and I love Jonathan Henderson! I do, I do, I do!"
After all the prayers and so on, we were all silent for a while. Finally Luke rapped on the side of the lodge and Tim opened the flap. As soon as it was opened, the cool air rushed in and I was glad. Luke asked, "How are y'all doing?" Everyone answered pretty enthusiastically and I'm sure everyone was surprised when I shouted, "Cody's just great!"
DOUGLAS
As soon as Tim opened the flap, Luke asked how we were doing and Cody shouted at the top of his lungs, "Cody's just great!" I wondered what was going on with him. "A new Cody mystery," I thought.
Matt handed Granddad the bucket and he brought it back filled with fresh water. Matt poured a dipper of water over his head, as he said something in Lakota then in English, "Water for my relatives." He refilled the dipper and passed it to Wes as he said, "Refresh yourself if you like." The dipper was passed around the circle and as each one emptied it over his or her head, it was passed, always clockwise, back to Matt who refilled it. I could not believe how good the cool water felt as I poured a dipper over my head.
By the time Luke had poured water over his head, the water bucket was empty. Granddad refilled it then he brought several red-hot stones and added them to the stones in the pit which were no longer hot--well, I bet they were pretty warm but not really hot, hot.
The flap was again closed.
"Look into the stones and see what they are saying to you," Luke said when the flap was closed.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Granddad had placed several glowing rocks in the stone pit and, when the flap was closed, they cast a glow throughout the lodge. Sure enough, they were making a sound as they began cooling, and patterns like a dark liquid flowing over them covered their surface. As I watched, I saw a black swirl form, like a miniature tornado, and move across the rocks. As it swirled and moved, there was a sound, not like that of a tornado but like an orchestra tuning up. No, it was like a crowd of musicians each playing what he or she pleased, using different scales. It got inside my head. The only way I could think to describe what seemed to be happening was chaos and pandemonium. As I looked and listened, I had a keen sense the rocks were trying to tell me something, something very important, something about discord in my life, but what?
Suddenly, voices were added to the music but, even though I strained as hard as I could, I could make out nothing beyond the noise. Then it all stopped and the stones just looked like hot stones. Weird and beyond me. Then Luke started speaking again.
"We are beginning the third endurance, the red endurance, the endurance of the east. The east is the home of the morning star, the place of beginnings, the place of awakening. Through becoming awakened to knowledge and wisdom, we are made new and can renew our world. The Buddha sat under the bo tree until he became the awakened one. Seek, in this endurance, an awakening to knowledge and wisdom, sit waiting. Seek to be awakened."
Luke paused, then Wes started blowing the whistle as Matt sounded the drum. Then, after a few minutes of silence, Matt started pouring water over the stones as Luke spoke, "Brothers and sister, I bid each of you to pray: pray for what you desire in this life. Pray for your relatives and those you love. Pray for Jonathan."
He paused and Matt took up the bidding. "Pray for the world, for wise leaders to bring peace to the planet. Pray for religious leaders who truly act out of a knowledge of the kinship of all. Pray for Mother Earth, that she might be healed. Pray for all things."
"End your prayer with 'Hetch etu. Aloh,' so your brother or sister next to you may begin his or her prayer," Luke said.
Matt began a prayer:
"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit,
I thank you for bringing me to this sweat.
May it mend the medicine wheel where it is broken in our lives. I thank you for giving me the love of Fire Thunderbird and for the love he accepts from me. I pray for our torn world and separated peoples. I thank you, Wakan Tanka for this ceremony and all my brothers and sister whose water joins with mine and with Mother Earth. I pray for my brother Jonathan.
Hetch Etu. Aloh."
Wes followed Matt and his prayer was very similar except he had more to say about Jonathan, "Grandfather, I pray especially for my brother Jonathan. Show him his goodness. Shown him he has a place in the circle of life. Show him he is a warrior."
I wished I could see Jonathan's face to see, maybe, what he was thinking.
Anyway, it was my time to pray. I prayed for me and Jason. I prayed for all inside the lodge and then prayed for Granddad and Grandmom, "Grandfather, you are the pattern for all grandfathers and I am thankful for mine. Mother Earth, you are the nurturing mother and I am thankful for my nurturing grandmother. I pray for my brother Dragonfly that he may find someone to share his life as Jason shares mine. Hetch Etu. Aloh."
Jason's prayer was similar and then it was Jonathan's time.
JONATHAN
I was listening to the prayers, mainly I guess, to get some idea of what to say. Matt had thanked the Great Spirit for Luke and Douglas and Jason both thanked the Great Spirit for each other. I liked that and kinda giggled to myself thinking about what some of the uptight religious people would have to say about that"two gay men thanking God for their lovers. Then I realized it was my time to speak.
"Great Spirit...." was all I got out before I was suddenly picked up by a wind"I mean sucked right out of the sweat lodge. It was strange because I wasn't afraid. I thought "I tried to do away with myself and failed, now I'm being carried away." I was sure I was dying, but it was beautiful.
I was sailing over the mountains and I suddenly realized I was no longer Jonathan"well, I was"but an eagle. I opened my mouth to shout for joy and what came out was the cry of an eagle! I had heard that only once before in my life and it is a fearful thing. You can just hear the power of an eagle in his cry. So I cried again.
I dived and soared, climbed and dived again. My laughter of joy was an eagle's cry. Suddenly I realized I was not flying alone. Beside me was a HUGE eagle two, three times my size. We soared through the sky together, screaming. Then we were just gliding high above the mountains below. There was a tingling in my head, then a voice.
"Little Eagle, look below. See how high you are, soaring. This is your place on the great medicine wheel. You are always to soar high to see far. You are not to be held to the ground and tied to little things. You are to soar above to protect, to keep. You are a warrior. You are no longer Little Eagle...."
"But I wasn't Little Eagle," I said. Well, not said, since we weren't actually talking, but I knew we were communicating.
"You were born Little Eagle, you just weren't told. But Little Eagle you are no more. You are now a warrior and offer blood for those you love. Wounded Eagle, you are marked!!" The eagle dived at me and his talons struck my chest. Feathers flew! And then I was back in the lodge, my chest hurting as I said, Hetch Etu. Aloh.
DOUGLAS
I didn't know what was going on with Jonathan. He started his prayer then suddenly, he was screaming. Not making a human sound, but something I could almost identify. At first it sounded strange, but it was definitely happy, joyful. Then there was a very loud scream and he said in a perfectly natural voice "Hetch Etu. Aloh." Strange.
While I was trying to figure all that out, Cody had started his prayer. I remembered he had some question about what to say and had been assured he'd know what to say. I was still surprised when he started very confidently.
"Great Spirit, I'm not very good at this. That's a lot of things I'm not very good at, so I pray that I'll get better. I want to get better at being Cody, the real Cody. I want Jonathan to get good at being Jonathan. I want us to be better at being Cody and Jonathan. I'd like peace in the world and all that. But I want peace at Coldsprings especially. I'm thankful for Auntie and Uncle Nash for loving me. I want them to still love me when they know who I really am. I guess that's all. Hetch Etu. Aloh."
How was that for saying a lot and still being a mystery? Cody was a master at that.
Stone and Hank offered their prayers without any surprises then it was Beth's turn.
"Mother Earth, I, too am woman," she began.
BETH
I had been sitting in the sweat lodge with a crowd of men. It struck me as funny that I had never been safer from any male getting out of hand and I smiled. In the last year, I had spent a lot of time with gay men and Hank, the token straight, I guess. I had learned a lot about men"and much of it from my gay friends. I did know that the way Hank and I loved each other physically, in part, may have"may have?? did have!!--some different physical expressions than, say, Douglas and Jason, but their love was just as deep as ours.
Anyway, here I was in the middle of the woods in a sweat lodge with a bunch of men. And it felt exactly right. So I prayed:
"Mother Earth, I too, am woman. I know the pain and the pleasure of being woman. I pray that as I mingle water with yours and mingle blood with yours, you will make me a strong woman, a nurturing woman, a compassionate woman. I pray for your child Jonathan that he come to know the wonderful man and strong warrior he is. Increase the love we in this sacred place have for each other. I offer thanks for all that is. Hetch Etu. Aloh."
When I ended my prayer, I looked up and standing above the stone pit was the most beautiful Indian maiden I had ever seen. She was dressed in white buckskin, decorated with turquoise beads. She wore a band about her head, decorated with porcupine quills (how did I know that??) and was carrying an eagle's wing fan. She smiled at me, used the wing to fan the steam rising from the stone pit over me. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was White Buffalo Calf Woman. She reached out and touched my head and in a single leap, leapt over the stone pit, over my head and vanished. I don't know what happened to me, but then I heard Tom praying.
DOUGLAS
Tom's prayer was all thanksgivings except to ask that Jonathan might be healed as he had been healed. It was short and to the point.
When Wesley started his prayer I thought, "Being at the end of the line is good because you get to see how it's done and it's bad because it's all been done." Wesley started pretty much as everyone else, then he stopped and was silent for awhile. Then he just said "Hetch Etu. Aloh." Strange.
WESLEY
I was pretty sure there were some strange things going on in the lodge. I could feel it. I couldn't have said what or how, I just sensed it.
When I started my prayer, I was suddenly back in Charlotte, sitting in the library with my parents.
"Mother, Father, I didn't know why I headed for Douglas's when I had to get away from St. Paul's, but I do now. I needed to learn what counted. What counted with people, what counted with friendship, what loving and being loved was all about. I had to learn what it is to be respected, accepted, loved for who and what you are"not what your ancestors were, not how much money you have. I didn't learn that
here. It is a great pity our family didn't learn that long ago. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it."
Dwight taught me one thing. He taught me that fucking is not caring and lust is not love. He taught me the hard way. Douglas and Jason have taught me about love and caring and about being a loving gay man and loving a gay man. I hope to live up to what they have taught me when I met someone to love and to be loved by.
You're not going to like this, but I am staying in the family which took me in and loved me. Charlotte holds nothing for me. One day I hope we can grow to love each other. I pray we can, but that's not for now."
I finished my speech and Mary Capers applauded"but made no sound"and Mother and Father nodded solemnly, but their nod was one of dismissal, not of understanding.
Then I was standing on the ledge where we had welcomed the sun. I spread my arms wide saw arching over the valley a great rainbow. Behind me the sun was bright, but behind the rainbow were gray clouds, not angry, ugly clouds, but gentle gray, soft clouds from which rain fell, watering the earth. Tears of joy ran down my face as I felt, as never before, accepted and loved. Then I knew I had a new name, Rain in the Face, and I laughed.
Suddenly, I heard Luke call out and I was back in the sweat lodge.
DOUGLAS
I had a sense the air in the sweat lodge had grown thick and not just from the steam. My mind was drifting and then I heard Luke call out, "Mitakuye oyasin," calling for water. Tim opened the flap and once again, Granddad handed in a water bucket of fresh water and the dipper was passed around the circle for us to pour water over our heads. It was most welcome!
I'm sure none of us was really ready to have the flap closed when Luke cried out, "Yupayo"Close the door!" and Tim closed the flap.
"The fourth and final endurance is the endurance of the south, the yellow endurance, the endurance of healing. From the east comes knowledge and from knowledge comes growth, the gift of the south. From growth comes healing. Let us center ourselves upon healing"healing in the broadest sense," Luke said.
Matt poured four dippers of water over the rocks which were still hot enough to change the water into great billows of steam. As the lodge filled, Matt started sounding the drum slowly, softly.
Luke continued, "As I chant, center yourself in the Great Spirit and pray for healing."
Luke chanted:
Great Spirit, I pray for myself that I may be healed, made whole. Great Spirit, I pray for my brother Jonathan that he may be healed and made whole. Great Spirit, I pray for all my brothers and sister in this sacred space, may they be healed and made whole. Great Spirit, I pray for for all our brothers and sisters on this good earth, may they be healed and made whole. Great Spirit, I pray for nations who are alienated one from the other, may they be healed and made whole.
Luke fell silent and we sat in silence for awhile as the steam gradually dissipated. Then Stone said, "If you will, clasp hands. When we had done so he said, you may repeat after me, line by line:
The light of the Great Spirit surrounds us. The light of the Great Spirit surrounds us. The love of Wakan Tanka enfolds us. The love of Wakan Tanka enfolds us. The power of the Creator protects us. The power of the Creator protects us. The presence of God watches over us. The presence of God watches over us. Wherever I am, The Great Spirit is! Wherever I am, The Great Spirit is!*
When Stone finished, Luke struck the lodge with his stick, Tim opened the flap and handed Matt the pipe. Still sitting in the semi-darkness, Matt performed the pipe ceremony with the pipe filled before the sweat began. After lighting the pipe, he drew smoke into his mouth and blew it out, then handed the pipe Wes. When Luke finished with the pipe, he placed it on a stand, nodded and Matt stood lead us from the lodge.
When Luke emerged from the lodge, he grabbed Matt's hand and the two raced for the basin. Eleven bodies were right behind him as we all threw ourselves in to the cold mountain water.
The cold water was wonderful and refreshing, but it was cold! Even as hot as the lodge had been, none of us could not stand up to the icy water long and we were all out of the river in minutes. We got dressed in dry clothes and, one by one, gathered around the fire pit, getting warm.
As I walked to the fire pit, I was suddenly aware of a wonderful smell, the smell of food!! Granddad and Tim had arranged cast iron pots in the fire pit and were using long hooks to take them out. There was two large Dutch ovens filled with fluffy biscuits and a very large pot of stew. The two also pulled sweet potatoes and corn in the husk from the fire. A bountiful feast indeed and we were ready for it!
Without thinking, I'm sure, we had arranged ourselves around the fire pit as with had been in the lodge except Tim and Granddad were now a part of the circle. We all ate in silence for awhile"breaking our fast, I suspect"when Cody asked, "Luke, is it all right to ask questions and talk about the sweat lodge and all?"
"Sure," Luke responded, "but remember, you may ask, but no one has to respond. Fair enough?"
"Sure," Cody said. The young man was sitting very close to Jonathan and they were holding hands. "See, I don't really understand HOW it happened, but I sure know what happened to me in there." Cody then told us his experience during the sweat.
When he finished, he turned to Jonathan and said, "So, Hoss, you know why I have treated you like shit and you know I love you with all my heart!" With those words, he reached up and placed his hands on each side of Jonathan's face, gazed in his eyes for half a minute and then planted a kiss on Jonathan in which, I am sure, Jonathan, "got some tongue like Hank." As the kiss when on, we all started applauded and both young men, without breaking the kiss, stuck a pumped a fist into the air.
When they finally came up for air, Jonathan said, "I don't know how it happened, Cody, but I like it! Something happened to me too," with those words, he opened his shirt and on his chest were four marks, three between his nipples and a single one immediately below them.
As soon as he saw them, Matt looked at Luke and both nodded. "I have seen that happen once before," Matt said. "Our brother Michael has much deeper marks, like he had been pierced. You spirit guide is an eagle, Jonathan. Right?"
Jonathan just nodded.
"What is your new name?" Luke asked. His tone indicated he had no doubt at all that Jonathan had a new name.
"Wounded Eagle. He said I had been Little Eagle, but I didn't know it. Anyway, he gave me my new name, Wounded Eagle."
We all were amazed to say the least and Matt and Luke talked about how some people get further into the spirit world than others during a sweat. "I'd say you've been there and back," Matt laughed.
Tom said "Derrick's spirit appeared to me, except it was like he was really there"almost. Anyway, I was able, finally, to let Derrick's spirit go. I certainly didn't come here expecting to get into this spirit world stuff," he grinned, "so it kinda caught me off guard"a whole lot off guard. I'm glad. I think I'll be able to move on now and I really haven't been before."
Wesley said, "Tom, you told us you had a lover who died"was murdered"that's all. I mean, I don't want to pry...."
"No, no, I think it would be good and right that you who have taken me in know the whole story. See...." Tom then told us about his falling in love with Derrick and how quickly their love developed. He also told us about Derrick's death. As he talked, I wondered if I could ever get over Jason's death should be be taken from me. I didn't think so, but I guess deep down I couldn't imagine it happening.**
The three certainly had an experience in the sweat lodge much different from mine and I guess everyone else's. We talked some more about our experiences and I suddenly realized Beth had been very, very quiet.
"I don't want to force anyone's hand," Luke said, "but I had the distinct feeling there was a visit from White Buffalo Calf Woman during this sweat."
We all fell silent, looking at each other when Beth finally spoke. "I guess I didn't want to talk about it because it might seem like bragging. But, yes, I did see White Buffalo Calf Woman." She then told us about her "vision, dream, whatever."
When she finished, Matt said, "Women are the true warriors. They shed blood on behalf of the people each month. Maybe some of us will become fathers one way or another in the future, but it's a pretty painless process for us."
"Speaking for Mr. McElrath and myself, I'd say it's all pleasure and no pain," Hank said.
"You are right, my boy," Granddad chuckled, "but not really. You aren't a father"yet. The pain comes later and when you least expect it. There is no pain, I think, like the death of a child."
We all were very still and quiet and in that quietness, I realized I had heard Granddad say very little about Dad's death. He had suffered silently.
After a few minutes, Matt said, "Each month a woman sheds blood and experiences pain to one degree or another. Then, when she gives birth she sheds more blood and endures greater pain bringing a new life into the world. She suffers to bring the people new life through her pain. For that reason, Lakota men have a woman select and make the first cut of the Sun Dance Tree where they will shed blood and endure pain on behalf of the people. So Beth was the presence of woman and White Buffalo Calf Woman for us and she was honored for her offering by a visit by the spirit of woman, White Buffalo Calf. I give you a new name, Beth. You are White Buffalo. Hank, you are to honor this woman."
Tom laughed and said, "And you might better be careful about wicked and evil thoughts!" We all joined in the laughter as Hank turned redder and redder.
Wesley
told us he had chosen his family and hoped one day to be reconciled to his biological one, "but so far as I am concerned, I am a McElrath. Also, I didn't realize it at the time, but when I said Charlotte held nothing for me, that included Dwight and the anger I had held for him. Guess I am now a free man and it feels good."
We could have sat there talking for hours I supposed, but finally Luke said, "Gang, a sweat is a very powerful thing and I am sure there will be others for some or all of you, but right now, I'm exhausted. I see by the sun it's about 5:00." He laughed as he added, "Better get moving 'cause it'll be milking time soon."
I realized I had been renewed by the sweat, but was also very tired as we quickly gathered up what we needed to take with us and headed for home. Wes said we could come back and take care of getting everything back in place later.
As we walked away from the sweat, couples were holding hands, talking together quietly. When I looked back over my shoulder, Cody and Jonathan had stopped and were engaged in yet another passionate kiss. Jason, who had turned to look as well, said, "I guess the mystery is solved."
Yeah, I answered and kissed my own mystery.
************************ Thus Mountain Magic ends ************************
*There is no way I can improve upon this wonderful prayer by Ed Mcgaa, Eagle Man, which is in his book "Mother Earth Spirituality".
**The story of Tom and Derrick is found in MOON WATCHING, found at awesomedude.com and at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SequoyahsPlace/ and http://sequoyahsplace.com.