MONTSABOT CHARTERHOUSE By Andrej Koymasky Š 2010 Written on June 29, 2002 Translated by the Author English text kindly revised by Brian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"MONTSABOT CHARTERHOUSE" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
Chapter 5 - The First World War
Being able to be together again, being able to tell each other their love not just through letters, but with all of their bodies, was making less burdensome and less terrible for the two lovers the conditions of that exhausting war. When death flutters all around, mournful but undisputed mistress, the best antidote to fear is only love.
After each battle, be its result going forward for a few kilometres or withdrawing to defensive positions, being able to devote themselves totally to the beloved one, even if for too brief periods and in conditions all but agreeable, was for them the way to not lose hope, to still believe in the future, to acquire new strength in their hearts.
One evening, during a truce a little longer than the others, while they were in each other's strong arms, Herv said, "I don't know if I was right to get married, do you know?"
"Why do you say so, my love? Aren't you happy? Madeleine is delightful, you have three wonderful childrenÉ don't you have all you desired?"
"Yes and no. Yes, I desired to have a family, that's true, and I got a really great and beautiful family. I love Madeleine, and she deserves my love. I'm proud of my children, and love them, and I regret I had to leave the newborn twins, so that I cannot enjoy their first years, I can't see them grow up, help them to growÉ But you are and remain my first and biggest love. Wouldn't it have been better if I renounced all that, in order to stay with you?"
"At times life imposes on us some choicesÉ and going back and un-doing those choices is not always easy to do. But looking at the past and regretting it is useless. Let's look at the present, my love - we are again togetherÉ"
"But one day this horrible war will be over and thenÉ then we will again be separated."
"Of course, as your first duty now is towards your family. You anyway love Madeleine, you cannot simply renounce herÉ and even less your childrenÉ If you didn't love her, if you didn't have three adorable sons, you would probably have the possibility to make a different choice. But nowÉ I am the first who wouldn't accept it. I can't desire my happiness at the price of that of four other people, innocent and good peopleÉ"
"You are right, butÉ but so the only one to lose is you."
"Not for the moment, I have you here, in my arms. And anyway, when one makes a choice for love, he never loses anything. I love you and as a reflex I love your family, believe me. Your and their happiness is for me really important."
"At the price of your own happiness?"
"No, because I could not be happy if I had to harm themÉ and you with them."
"You are too good, RolandÉ"
"Nobody is ever too good, my love. One can just try to be a good chap, try to be honest. Is it not you who taught me these things?"
They kissed and restarted making love, with tenderness and virile vigour.
The second army, of which they were part, consolidated a bridgehead between Amiens and Pronne, where was also the second army of the Germans. In mid-1916 the centre of the battle between the German troops and the French and English alliance moved towards Verdun, but then moved along the Somme river and the artillery sustained the main part of the battle, even though aviation started to make its presence felt.
A hundred thousand men died, mainly in the Anglo-French side that lost two men for each man lost by the Germans - in all more than eight hundred thousand men were dead. New recruits were coming to fill, at least in part, the gaps and the average age of the new soldiers was rapidly lowering - at that point at the front there were seventeen years old boys, and even a few just sixteen.
Then in 1917 the French would seize again Mort-Homme, near Verdun, and in the battle of Malmaison they succeeded in putting an end to the war of attrition at the Chemin des Dames. In this second battle the quantity of artillery and of mechanic transport used by the French army to give some respite to the infantry, which was much too worn out, reached the highest figures of the whole war.
On November 20th, the French attacked Cambrai and in just ten hours the French troops advanced for ten kilometres. But on the 23rd the German troops' counteroffensive cancelled the French conquests almost totally, also because the English infantry wasn't able to give the hoped for help.
So Roland's company had to hurriedly retreat and along their retreat many of his men were killed. They had just consolidated a bridgehead on a point more easily held, and Herv was checking the men's placing, the weapons and the ammunitions, when from the German lines came an attempt to attack. It was a short-lived attempt, immediately repelled by Roland's men.
But a German gun-machine burst reached a group of men assigned to a field gun, and amongst them there was also Herv. Roland saw them fall before his eyes, one after the other in a fast sequence, like dislocated puppets to which the strings have been cut. And he saw also his Herv fall.
Careless of the danger, without thinking of anything else, he ran headlong to the spot. He found Herv body - he was lying on his back, a leg folded under his body, an arm spread outwards and the other on his head, and a line of black holes rimmed in red traced with a geometric precision and crossing his chestÉ and the red of the rims was slowly spreading. Herv's eyes were open and had an expression of deep astonishment.
He was still breathing. Roland bent to him, then sat on the ground beside of his head and called to him in a low voice, having almost difficulty to utter the words.
"Herv... Herv..."
The eyes of the wounded man turned towards him and his lips tried to smile, "TheyÉ haveÉ got meÉ the bastÉ bastardsÉ" he murmured.
"It's just a wound. I'll go to call the nurseÉ don't moveÉ"
"NoÉ waitÉ don't goÉ it's useless a nurse, let him care for who really needs him. Stay hereÉ don't leave meÉ not nowÉ"
"What are you saying? You too can come out of this, my love!"
"Shush! Don't let them hear you call me soÉ I know, I feel it, unhappily I'm going away. Unhappily for you, for my familyÉ but at leastÉ soÉ I don't have toÉ make a choice."
"Shut up, don't waste your energies. I go to callÉ"
"No!" Herv said with such a force that Roland stopped himself. "NoÉ" Herv repeated with sweetness. "Don't leave me alone in this moment. Put my head on your lapÉ I want to go in this way, in your embraceÉ"
"NoÉ" Roland almost moaned, "you will not goÉ you should not leave meÉ you can't leave meÉ No, Herv, I pray of youÉ"
"It's not to me you have to ask, I would stay, of course I would. You have to pray to Madam Death, but unhappily she is deaf, she doesn't listen to our prayers. Stay hereÉ I want to go with your smile in my eyes, with your voice in my heartÉ"
"No, HervÉ noÉ"
"I loved you above all things, more than my lifeÉ you have to believe meÉ"
"Of course I believe youÉ"
"And nowÉ now at lastÉ I will be with you night and dayÉ only my soul, it's true, but it will always be with you."
"Why are you going on talking aboutÉ going away?" Roland asked, his voice choked and trembling.
He tried to push back his tears, but he could feel that it was a battle he was going to lose soon.
"Because I know it's soÉ Roland?"
"Tell meÉ"
"My life gave me very muchÉ gave me youÉ"
"But nowÉ" Roland started to say but was unable to add more.
"LoveÉ" Herv whispered with a hint of voice.
Roland saw that his beloved's eyes were staring in the emptiness, his half-open lips weren't moving any more, Herv's hand that Roland was holding between his hands became suddenly heavy.
"Herv?" he called in a low voice. "Herv?" he repeated feeling a steel vice gripping his heart. "HervÉ" he murmured and finally his tears dripped down and fell on the beautiful face of his beloved man, like the first drops of Autumn rain, sprayed the lifeless face of his lover, who had ceased to live.
He cuddled his body that was leaning with the shoulders against his lap, rocking back and forth, going on to silently cry, to call him, and to yell the beloved name inside his heart, gently caressing the back of his lifeless hand.
The exact year of war that followed saw Roland engaged in the battles with fierce determination. Two urgent and violent sentiments were pushing him - the desire that the absurd massacre came to an end, and a desire of revenge for the death of the man he loved. And if before, the death of any of his men saddened him, now it devastated him, because in those poor boys that were falling like flies, he saw the face of his beloved Herv.
Finally in November 1918 peace was signed. Roland was discharged with two medals for valour, wore again civilian clothes and went home. But before going back to the villa where his father was waiting for him, he wanted to go to Tours. He bought an old car and went there, taking with him a bag with the few belongings of Herv.
The headquarters had already informed Madeleine about her husband's death. When she saw Roland, she embraced him and both cried.
"You were there, when he died?" the woman asked him.
"YesÉ he diedÉ in my arms."
"Ah. I'm glad. At least he died happy, didn't he? I know how much he loved you."
"YesÉ he was my dearest friend." Roland answered.
"Yes, of courseÉ he always talked about youÉ and after I was informed he was deadÉ tidying his thingsÉ you know how it is, as I had to decide what to keep for me and our sons and what notÉ I also found all your lettersÉ He kept them divided by yearÉ I read themÉ and understood how much you loved each otherÉ I know that to you too it has been a terrible lossÉ hasn't it?"
"Yes, it has been soÉ terrible. I would have given my life to keep him here with usÉ to give him back to you aliveÉ I swear, I would have given my lifeÉ but it was not possibleÉ"
"Before leaving for the warÉ he never told me about you two, about your loveÉ but he did always talk about you, do you know? You met when you were still boysÉ He loved you, even before meeting meÉ"
"But also he always talked to me about you and your childrenÉ And he really loved youÉ He chose you, not meÉ Because you, beyond love, gave him a family, while I could notÉ"
"Yes, I know, I understood itÉ Herv had a big heart, he was able to love, he was able to love two people in the same wayÉ he was able to be in love with you and with meÉ I understand that. And I also understood the intensity of your love through your lettersÉ Now I would like to be able to also read the letters he sent to youÉ You still keep them, I think."
"Yes, of courseÉ and I will bring them to you to read. You are really nice to have accepted the fact that heÉ that he loved me too."
"As much as you have been nice to leave him to us, without any attempt to take him for yourselfÉ You have not been at all selfish, on the contraryÉ I should say you have been really generous."
"Because I loved him and the only thing I cared about was his happiness. I hope, or rather I know, that I was his happiness before he met you, but I know that afterwards his happiness were you and your childrenÉ ThenÉ"
"AndÉ you again were his happiness in those years of warÉ at least we have the relief that he was never alone."
"Herv was an incredibly good and honest man."
"Yes, he really was. Thank you for having come here to see us, to bring us his belongingsÉ Will you stay in touch with us?"
"I promise, Madeleine. How are the children?"
"Serge suffered very much, as he is already able to understand. He was incredibly close to his father. Michel and Jean-Marie are still so youngÉ they were just born when Herv had to leave for the warÉ They cannot even remember him, unhappilyÉ and he cannot see them grow up, unhappily."
"You will tell them of their dad, you will show them his picturesÉ they will love him through your love. And he will follow and protect you all from up there, I am more than sure of this."
"Yes, you are right."
Roland stayed at Herv's house for a few days. And so he gradually became aware that his lover's family was going to meet a hard, difficult period, without Herv's economic support. Moreover he came to know that Madeleine's father also died in the war, and that when she was called to receive the inheritance, it turned out that the man was covered in debt, so that it was better for Madeleine to renounce to all the inheritance.
Roland finally went back home, to his father, thinking he had to take care of his lover's family, he couldn't leave them in need. Madeleine hinted she was looking for a work as a housemaid, in order to support her family. Roland didn't tell her anything, but was determined to do his best for them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Roland's father welcomed his son home as a hero. He was proud of his two medals for valour, a gold and a silver one that his son received. About him, war allowed him to become remarkably richer. He was already a rich industrialist before the war, but now his capital was five times bigger and he was very proud of that.
Roland, on the contrary, was not so proud, because if on one side it was true that they won the war thanks to the war industries of his father, on the other side he could not avoid being aware that his father built death machines, thanks to which who know how many thousands of men lost their lives, who knows how many families were destroyed and reduced to misery like that of HervÉ
Roland's father, after the first days, having reinserted his son in his industries, was reconverting his industries to a civil production, and started to insist to his son that he had to marry. Roland tried to avoid the subject, but his father seemed to become more and more insistent.
Then Roland remembered he promised Madeleine to bring her all the letters he received from Herv, to let her read them. So he took all of them and informed his father he was going to see the widow of his late tutor and spend Christmas with her family. His father didn't have any objection - very likely he was rather happy, as he could spend those days with his mistress, about whom Roland had an inkling in spite of the fact that his father believed he succeeded in keeping her existence a secret.
He took his new car, a beautiful light blue cabriolet, went downtown to buy presents for Madeleine and the children, and drove to Tours. Madeleine didn't have a telephone and it was too late to send her a letter, but he thought he would for sure find them at home, and anyway it was worth making an attempt.
As he reached Tours, he went to knock at Madeleine's door. Little Serge, who was then eleven years old, came to open the door.
"Hi, Serge, is mum at home?"
"You are dad's friend, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am Roland. Do you remember me?"
"You came just one month agoÉ of course I remember you."
"So, then, is mum at home?"
"No, she is at work. But she will be back for lunch, she said. Do you want to come in?"
"If you let me in, I'll be glad. But do you trust me? You don't know meÉ"
"You are a friend of my dad, therefore of course I trust you. Come in. Mum told me a lot about you, don't you know? She says you are a good manÉ"
"And your dad very often told me about you. He loved you very much, he was proud of you, my little one."
The child smiled and did the honours of the house like a real little man. The twins were playing games in the living room.
"Serge, where is mum's piano?" Roland asked noticing it was no more at its place.
"She sold it, we were short of moneyÉ" the child answered serenely. Then asked, "Does that beautiful car parked here in front belong to you?"
"Yes, it's mine."
"How wonderful! Would you please take me for a ride in it, if mum lets me?"
"More than willingly, Serge."
Finally Madeleine was back. She was really happy to see Roland and at once asked him if he could stay for some days. Then the young man gave her the bulky sheaf with all the letters he received from Herv.
"I promised you to let you read themÉ here are all his lettersÉ"
"Thank you! You are really kind to allow me to read themÉ"
"I owed this to you, don't you think?"
"No, you didn't owe it to meÉ and this makes your gesture even more generous."
Madeleine decided to start to read the letters in the evening, in Roland's presence, after she put the children to bed. They were sitting in the living room, Madeleine at the table, under the lamp, with the sheaf of letters in front of her. Roland was sitting in the old armchair near the fireplace, and looked at her engrossed in the readingÉ
"He talks rather often about meÉ" at one point the woman murmured.
"Of course, he really loved youÉ" Roland commented with a tender smile.
"But he was deeply in love with you tooÉ" the woman said in a soft tone.
"It's true. Do you knowÉ it was not sex that pushed us into each other's arms, it was love, that made us desire to show it also with our bodiesÉ can you understand me?"
"Yes, Roland, I can, because it has been the same also between him and meÉ exactly the same. You have been his first and only man, I think, as I have been his first and only womanÉ"
"YouÉ you never were jealous of me?" after a while Madeleine asked him, almost in a whisper.
"No, neverÉ I felt just some envy the day of your marriageÉ there in the cathedralÉ as I would have liked to be able to say to him that same yesÉ"
Madeleine smiled, "I think I can understand you. But even without the riteÉ your love was beautiful, wasn't it?"
"It surely wasÉ But at least you two were allowed to live it in the sun light, not hiding as we were forced to doÉ"
"That's trueÉ It must have been hard, I think."
"At times it was hard. But, you knowÉ man adapts to all situationsÉ and the one who has wider shoulders, has to bear the heavier weights. Who doesn't have wide shoulders, is crushedÉ"
Christmas day came. Roland took her out to do some shopping on him. Madeleine prepared a good meal. Then Roland gave them the presents.
"I didn't prepare any present for youÉ" Madeleine said, a little embarrassed.
"My wonderful Christmas present is being here with you allÉ" the young man answered with a gentle smile.
The day after Christmas, in the evening Roland asked Madeleine, "Even though just a year has passedÉ don't you think you should marry again? For yourself, who are still so young, and for the children, that could benefit from having a fatherÉ"
Madeleine smiled, "NoÉ I don't intend at all to marry again. I feel good as I amÉ"
"But also for the moneyÉ I noticed thatÉ that you are not in a very good situation, without a sure salaryÉ"
"I will find more hours of workÉ we will go to live in a smaller apartmentÉ we will get alongÉ"
"But then you will have less time to spend with the childrenÉ"
"Yes, that's true, and this is the only difficult thing for me É"
"MadeleineÉ I don't know ifÉ how to tell you, butÉ I would like to help you in some wayÉ because of the love I had for Herv and that therefore I have also for you allÉ"
"You are dearÉ"
"No, let me say all I have to sayÉ You see, I cannot offer youÉ I cannot offer you what Herv was able to give youÉ or what possibly also another man can give youÉ butÉ but if you accepted toÉ to become my wifeÉ at least under the law, you understand, notÉ not in bed, as I'm afraid I would not be able toÉ but so at least you would have a friend at your side and supportÉ and the children could have in me aÉ a surrogate of their fatherÉ I swear I will do my bestÉ And if one day youÉ you fell in love with a man, I would leave you totally freeÉ But at least up to that day, you all will not be alone and would have a serene and proper lifeÉ"
"Oh, Roland!"
"I'm not asking you to give me an answer at onceÉ but think about it, please. I would really do it, for Herv, for you, for the childrenÉ If you like better, I can just send you a monthly allowance, I would do it, I will do it if you wantÉ but I would like much more to be allowed to give you all my affection, besides a concrete helpÉ And so you wouldn't need to work and can bring up your sonsÉ and if you let me, I can help you to bring them upÉ"
"Oh, Roland!" the young woman repeated, moved, and started to silently cry.
"Did I offend you? Don't cry, please, I didn't want toÉ"
"Offend me? No, not at all! On the contraryÉ You are so sweet, so tender, so goodÉ"
"I would like to be able to offer you even moreÉ"
"And what more? It's incredible, what you are offering me is so very muchÉ"
"I would like to be able to offer you alsoÉ also a man with whom you can make loveÉ"
"I already told you that I would refuse a man for that, I don't feel the need of that, I don't want it. ButÉ but you are offering me much more than financial help, you are offering me your friendship and your affectionÉ And I really feel the need of thatÉ How could I refuse such a wonderful offer? After the death of my father and my husband I felt alone and lonely, and only my children gave me a reason to live. But you are offering me to be alone no more, no longer lonelyÉ How could I refuse your offer?"
"If you want to consider it moreÉ We're not in a hurryÉ"
"Yes, all right, I will consider it more, but I already know that my answer will be a yes. I have only to talk about that with Serge. He is old enough, I think it would not be fair to impose my choice on him. I will talk with him tomorrow, is that all right? And when I understand what he really desires, I will give you my answer."
"Whichever your answer will be, be sure anyway that you can always count on my friendship and on my helpÉ"
"I know, thank you, I have no doubt about it. YesÉ Herv was right to be in love with youÉ"
"When I first met himÉ I think I was odious towards himÉ He changed me, do you know?"
"I have no difficulty believing you. It was impossible not to love him, wasn't it?"
"Yes, it was really impossible." Roland sweetly answered.
The day after Roland left Madeleine alone with Serge and, pushing the pram, took Michel and Jean-Marie out for a walk, after he carefully wrapped them up.
A passerby, thinking he was a father taking his children out for a walk, looked at them with a tender smile. Roland became aware of that and he too smiled inside himself, and hoped that Madeleine accepted his proposal. And he understood his Herv's desire to have a familyÉ
When he went back home, while Madeleine was taking care of the twins, Serge drew near Roland. He looked up at him from below.
"Roland, would you really like to become our father?"
"If you desire it, and if your mum agrees, I would."
"I know you just a little, but I like you."
"And would you accept me as your dad?" Roland asked him with a hint of hope in his voice.
"I think I would. Because you loved my dad, didn't you?"
"Of course I did."
"So, then, you would love us too, right?"
"That's for sure!"
"And would we have to come to live at your place?"
"WellÉ yes. Would you regret leaving Tours?"
"Not so much. Is your house beautiful?"
"It's really large, there is also a garden and a park with a lot of treesÉ"
"Good. Even though, after all that is not so important."
"So, then? Do you want me as your dad?"
"I already told you yesÉ"
"And your mum? Do you think she too will accept?"
"Oh, I really think she willÉ but ask her."
"Would you give me a kiss?" Roland asked crouching in front of him and opening his arms.
"Sure!" the child said, flew to his neck and planted a wet kiss on the tip of his nose, then smiled at him, and brushed the tip of his little nose against that of the young man.
So Madeleine accepted. Roland went back home and informed his father that he was going to marry Herv's widow and adopt her three children. His father at first seemed not really happy, but before his son's determination, at the end gave his assent.
So, in February 1919, after all the needed preparations, Roland married Madeleine and adopted her three sons, who therefore added to their family name that of Roland, becoming so Laforest-Brout. And all of them moved into the beautiful villa of Roland's father, where each of them had his own room.
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 6
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