Miles from Home

Welcome back, readers!

A quick announcement to situate you on where we are now in the three-part arc of the full story. This chapter marks both the end of part two and the beginning of part three, so I want to thank you for sticking with it and reading through this point. If your circumstances allow, please consider making a donation to Nifty to support the platform that's making it possible for me to share this story with you.

And, like always, I truly appreciate hearing readers'comments and reflections on the story. You can send them my way at romanjwrites@gmail.com

If you'd like to receive a notfication alerting you when there's a new chapter posting, just drop me a line there.

November Sophomore Year

This time, it was the daylight flooding in from the rising sun that woke me. I must've begun to stir when the rays began creeping over my face, but it was the sound of Pete's voice that finally brought me to open my eyes:

"Stay," Pete mumbled, sounding as groggy as I felt.

And my head really did feel groggy. It almost seemed like I was hungover, but I knew that couldn't possibly be the case. We hadn't had a drop to drink the night before. So maybe this fuzziness was a sign that every circuit in my brain had been blown out by the repeated floods of serotonin from what we'd been doing all night. Pete and I basically attacked each other the moment we arrived here at his uncle's house on the coast. We sucked each other off, made out, and then dozed off wrapped in each other's arms, only to wake again soon thereafter when one of us stirred. And then the loop repeated itself again and again, our horniness and our need for sleep locked in a wrestling match against each other until dawn.

Now, as my senses slowly returned to me, what registered most was the feeling of Pete's naked body spooned tight against mine. His skin felt so warm to the touch compared to the cool, soft sheets in this bed that was so enormous compared to the twin ones we were used to cramming into back in the dorms.

I stirred again, craning my head up this time to check if Pete's eyes were open too. They weren't though. He mumbled something unintelligible and pulled my arm tighter across his bare chest, the fingers of his hand already threaded through mine. Pete's naked ass also pushed back against my morning wood, and my dick throbbed as it was crushed tighter between our bodies. My other hand traveled down the planes of solid muscle in Pete's torso to his dick. He was fully hard too, so I wrapped my fingers around him and started stroking slowly.

Pete moaned in response, loudly. It was much louder than anything we ever would've allowed ourselves back in our dorm room on campus. That was another one of the luxuries of having this house all to ourselves this weekend.

I picked up the rhythm of my strokes until Pete groaned out some actual words: "You're killin' me."

I paused and lightened my grip.

"Too sore?" I asked, concerned. My own dick ached like an exhausted muscle after we'd gotten each other off four times last night.

Pete didn't reply. He just twisted his head back until his lips could reach mine, and he kissed me deeply. Pete dropped one of his hands down over the one I had holding his dick, and he closed my hand tighter over it. I resumed stroking.

"Ughhh," Pete moaned breathlessly when his mouth finally broke from our kiss. With my other arm that was still wrapped across his chest, I hugged him tighter against my body. Pete's hips bucked, and his ass grinded back against my rock hard dick. I throbbed painfully in response.

That feeling made me moan out loud too. By sheer force of habit, I dropped my mouth down to the spot where Pete's neck met the cords of muscle in his shoulder to muffle the sound. I kissed him there, my tongue slipping forward to taste the saltiness of his skin. Pete's breath grew heavier and more rapid as I increased the pace of my hand jacking his dick.

"I love you," I whispered against Pete's skin. He tried to twist back to kiss me again, but I kept my mouth on his neck and burned a trail of kisses across it. I felt the hum of Pete's moans vibrating in his throat underneath my lips.

"I love you too," he panted, sounding even more short on breath now.

Pete's dick was so hard in my hand as I worked it up and down. "Max, you're gonna make me..."

But I didn't want this to be how Pete finished though. I released my hold on him and sat up. My dick instantly missed the warmth of Pete's ass pressing against it, but now I had a prime view of Pete sprawled out naked underneath me. He finally popped his eyes open, and the light hit them in just the right way to bring out the amber tones that could make them look even brighter. I leaned down and took Pete's dick into my mouth.

"Max!!" he roared. It sounded half like a protest to slow down and half like a plea to keep going. But Pete dropped both of his hands down to my head to hold it steady as his hips lurched forward and slid even more of his shaft down my throat. I hummed in appreciation, and my lips stretched to accommodate the girth of him. It took only a few pumps of his hips before Pete's moans reached a crescendo. His dick throbbed, and my mouth filled with the taste of Pete's cum. There was definitely less of it this time than there'd been in the other loads I'd swallowed from him over the course of the night. Pete's orgasm this morning seemed to end in a few dry spasms, and I tried to milk out the last drops from his slit with my tongue.

Pete collapsed back into the bed when I finally lifted my mouth off of him, his chest rising and falling rapidly. There was a light sheen of sweat on his skin now. Pete threw an arm over his face and laughed into the crook of his elbow, the motions of his mirth highlighting the tight grid of muscle in his abs.

I stayed where I was while he caught his breath, bracketed between Pete's powerful legs sprawled out on either side of me.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Nothing," Pete propped himself up on his elbows and grinned down at me. "This just feels so good."

"Fuck yeah, it does," I smiled back at him and then kissed the inside of one of his muscular thighs, just below his balls. The fine hairs there tickled my lips.

"Your turn now," Pete said, reaching down to pull me back up to where he was.

"Nuh uh," I mumbled, shaking my head and moving over to kiss his other thigh. "My dick needs a rest. I feel kinda bruised down there."

"Oh shit," Pete's brow wrinkled in concern. "Did I hurt you last night?"

"Oh, I'm not complaining," I laughed. "Just pacing myself so I don't break it. And we've got all weekend, right?"

"Yes, please," Pete yawned, pulling his arms up behind his head in a stretch that flexed the muscles in his chest and biceps.

"Hey, do that again," I grinned.

"What?" Pete asked, confused.

"The show," I said before lightly kissing Pete's dick, which was still half-hard and snaked over his hip. It twitched in response under my lips. "It was hot."

Pete rolled his eyes at me, but then he obliged by flexing his arms over his head with comic exaggeration. We both laughed, and it felt like such a relief to have this humor back between us again.

"Are you hungry?" Pete asked. "Or are you plannin' to just live off my cum this weekend?"

"I'd be down to try that," I shrugged. "But I guess I could eat."

"You better," Pete grinned at me. "You're gonna need your energy."

Pete then extricated himself from the bed, standing up with his naked body on tantalizing display as it was bathed in the morning sunlight. "Come on, let's go down to the kitchen and see what food uncle Mark has here."

Pete fished his underwear out of the jumble of clothes we'd left scattered across the bedroom floor as we peeled them off each other the night before, and he put them on. He didn't get any more dressed than that, though, so I followed suit and then followed his lead out to the hallway.

We'd arrived well after dark last night and had gone straight up to this bedroom. That meant I hadn't really noticed much about this house until now. But as Pete led me down to the kitchen, it started to register just how massive this place was. I could also see from the unobstructed views of the ocean through all the windows we passed that it was perched right on the coast too. And although I hardly had an eye for such things, I could still tell that everything in here was expensive. But even so, the house felt cold and empty, perhaps because the sounds of our footsteps echoing around the walls reminded me more of a deserted museum than a place anyone would call home. I couldn't help but think about the nickname Matteo had for me and how unfathomable this whole part of Pete's world still felt to me, even if it'd always been there hanging behind him just beyond the frame of our life back on campus.

When we reached the kitchen, Pete assured me that it was fine to help ourselves to whatever was there, so we rummaged around in the cabinets until I pieced together a game plan of something to make with what we found.

We fell quiet as I got to cooking, save for me asking Pete to hunt down equipment or ingredients I needed. As I started to work at the stove, though, I felt Pete come up behind me and wrap his arms around me. The warmth of his bare skin on mine, the strength of his arms, and the hardness of his dick pressing into my ass sent yet another flood of serotonin surging through my foggy brain now. I smiled.

"It's cool that you can cook," Pete said, resting his chin on my shoulder and peering over it to watch what I was doing.

"I had to learn," I shrugged. "Tom and I fended for ourselves a lot when Mom and Dad were out working. And since I'm the big bro, I figured it out."

Pete kissed my bare shoulder. "It's hot."

"Yeah?" I grinned, twisting my head back so I could see Pete's face.

"Totally," he smiled and pushed his dick against my ass. "I'm already gettin' hard again just watching you."

"Me too," I blushed, glancing down to the growing bulge in my boxer briefs. "Just hearing you say that. I like having that effect on you."

Pete released his hold on me so I could turn around and face him. We smiled at each other, holding an eye contact we didn't have to shy away from anymore, even if I was sorely tempted to drop my gaze down to check out the bulge filling out the front of his underwear.

We were quiet for several beats, just grinning at each other until I started to feel a bit self-conscious. "You can tell me I'm hot whenever you want," I said finally, intending it as a joke to break the tension crackling between us.

But Pete just grinned even bigger at me when I said that: "But that's like all the time."

"Pete,... I'm not..." I stammered, feeling myself flush with embarrassment. "Fuck."

"You are," Pete nodded. Then he reached down to turn off the stove before pulling me around into another hug. As soon as I felt our hard dicks grinding against each other through the thin layers of fabric, I suddenly wanted to forget all about breakfast. I felt like I needed to get off again right now.

"You're distractingly hot," Pete continued, his hazel eyes locking onto mine. "And, believe me, I'm gonna suck your dick like a thousand more times this weekend."

"I love you, Pete."

I blurted that out impulsively. I knew I kept saying it, but I couldn't stop myself. It just felt so good to finally speak it.

"I love you too," Pete smiled back at me. But after a second, a more somber expression clouded his face, and his eyes dropped away from mine. "And I wish I'd just told you that so much sooner."

"Pete,...-" I began, wanting to stop him from beating himself up about that.

"...- No," Pete interrupted, lifting his eyes to mine again. "I mean it. I'm so sorry I lied to you about what I want."

"Dude," I pulled him in tighter. "I told you. I'm not mad at you."

Pete shook his head to dismiss that. "But you were right yesterday. We should talk more. And even though it won't change anything that's already happened, I do want to at least try to explain why I've acted so stupid with you."

"But I don't think you've acted stupid," I replied. "And you don't need to keep apologizing to me either. That's not what I meant when I said we should talk more. I just want us to be real with each other because I want to understand you."

Pete shook his head and exhaled a long, slow breath: "That."

"What?"

"I've never had anyone who actually wanted to understand me before. And I know I've told you that already, but I don't think you really get what that's been like."

"Pete, I-..."

"...-But that's a good thing though! I'm glad that you don't get it because that just means you've always had people like your family..." Pete shook his head again and sighed. "They actually see you, Max. And that was so clear when I got to meet them. But I..." Pete trailed off for a moment, his shoulders slumping a bit. "That's something that I don't get. What it feels like to have that."

"But, Pete, I-..."

"-... Before you, I mean," Pete cut me off. "And I'm not sayin' that to be all woe-is-me about it. I'm just telling you because I want you to know it means a lot that you want to understand me, even though I'm not used to it. But I also..." Pete gulped, swallowing something down in his throat. "It's hard for me. To be up front about how I really feel because I've had exactly zero practice with being honest about that."

"Pete, don't beat yourself up about this," I said before rolling my eyes in an attempt to lighten the tone from where I sensed Pete's mood going. "I mean, you know that I suck at talkin' about what I'm feeling too. But I can listen. To anything you want to tell me."

The corners of Pete's mouth twitched upwards in a smile, but the expression on his face still looked sad somehow. "But that's actually why it's hard: I know that you'll listen to me."

"What do you mean?"

Pete was quiet for a beat before he replied: "I'm worried that you're gonna find out more about me, and what you hear is gonna change how you feel."

"Dude, I wouldn't-..." I began, but Pete interrupted me.

"-... No, there's stuff that I've done that you don't know about yet, Max. And there's shit about me that I'm..." Pete sighed and dropped his eyes away from mine. "I'm ashamed of it. And so I'm worried that the more you know me, the more you're gonna realize how fucked up I really am."

I was quiet for a few beats after hearing that, waiting for Pete to look back up at me again. I wanted him to know I'd had time to think about what I was about to say:

"Pete, hear me on this. Whatever it is that I don't know, I really don't think it's gonna change how I feel about you. Like, I'm wracking my brain right now trying to think of anything- anything- you could tell me that would make me not love you, and I..." I shook my head. "I can't even imagine it."

Pete still looked skeptical, like he was reluctant to actually believe me. So I went on, wanting to try something else to make it clear how much I meant what I was trying to tell him: "Unless, maybe, if it's that you secretly go around kicking puppies for fun."

Thankfully, Pete laughed at my joke, and some of the tension I saw in his eyes seemed to ease. "Well, it's not that," he said with a slight smile.

"Good," I nodded. "But whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm here," I said, pulling him back into another hug. "And this is exactly where I want to be."

Pete nodded into my shoulder. But as I held onto him, my heart started to race when my thoughts wandered to the things I'd done over the summer that Pete didn't know about yet either.

"And I, uhh, I actually have some stuff I want to tell you too," I said, pressing my eyes closed and holding him tighter. "Shit that I'm not proud of, and I'm worried about what you're gonna think of it."

Pete tightened his arms around me and nuzzled his head into my shoulder. "I don't think anything you could say would change how I feel either," he replied before pulling back and bringing his eyes up to meet mine again. "But I think we should do this, huh?"

"I think we better," I nodded.

"Okay," Pete said, exhaling a long breath before letting go of me. "But let me go first."

Then Pete stepped back and swept his eyes across the empty kitchen around us before he added: "Just not here, though. There's somewhere else I want to take you."

"Okay," I nodded. "Let's go."

We ate our breakfast quickly, threw on some clothes, and then Pete led me out to the garage. There were several cruiser bikes along with a couple of sports cars in there, and Pete pulled out two of the bikes for us. We hopped on to them, and I followed Pete down a quiet road that hugged the coastline until he came to a stop ahead of me after about a mile.

"This is it," Pete said, pointing down below the road to a small, sandy cove on the otherwise rocky stretch of shore. We hopped off our bikes and left them propped up against some trees out of view of anyone who might drive past on the road and then scrambled down some rocks to the sand. In the cove, small waves lapped at the deserted shore, and Pete dropped to a seat on the dry part of the sand. I took a seat by his side, glanced behind us to make sure we were actually hidden from view from the road, and then leaned my shoulder into his. I kissed Pete on his cheek, and I could feel his smile stretching out under my lips.

I turned and followed Pete's gaze out to the water stretching across the horizon in front of us. We were both quiet for a minute, soaking up the view. I could still count on just one hand the total number of times I'd ever seen the ocean in my life before today. Sitting here, with Pete, on the edge of something this vast and this foreign to me felt surreal.

"I always try to find a place like this anywhere I go with my family," Pete said finally, his eyes still focused somewhere out on the horizon. "And this is my spot here."

"Like this?"

Pete nodded. "Somewhere I can get away to be alone when it gets to be too much. And I've been to uncle Mark's place so many times over the years, but this is the first time I've ever come to this spot with anyone else."

"Thank you for bringing me here then."

"Of course," Pete turned his gaze back to me and smiled. "It's better with you here, Max."

I covered Pete's hand closest to me with one of mine and squeezed it.

"That's one of the things I noticed about you early on last year actually," he continued.

"What is?"

"It seemed like finding a place to have to yourself is something you need too. Like how you'd always go out to that bench by the athletic fields where you kissed me that first time."

I nodded, thinking about what Pete said. "You're right. All the apartments and trailers we lived in growing up were pretty cramped, so every time we moved I'd look for somewhere else I could go when I needed some space. In Las Cruces last summer, it was those rocks up in the mountains where I took you on your first night there."

Pete winced when I said that last part.

"What??"

"I hope I didn't ruin that place for you then," Pete grimaced.

"Dude, you didn't," I shook my head. "And I'm so fucking happy to be here. With you. Right now. Because this..." I stopped and squeezed Pete's hand harder and then held it up against my chest over my heart. "This feels so good."

"It does," Pete squeezed my hand back as I laced our fingers together and dropped them back down into his lap. "And now that we're finally here, I don't wanna say anything that might fuck it up."

"Me neither."

Pete nodded. "And I hope you don't think I'm stalling on what I want to tell you. I just feel more comfortable out here."

"Whatever you need, Pete," I said, and I started to rub little circles into the back of his hand with my thumb, massaging it.

"I know. And don't take it personally that there's things I'm worried about telling you either. Because it's not that I don't want to talk to you, and it's not because I don't trust you. I..." Pete trailed off, so I kept massaging his hand, waiting for him to continue. "It's because with you, I feel like I finally have something to lose. Something that matters."

"I told you: this is exactly where I want to be. And I'm not going anywhere." I let go of Pete's hand and threw my arm over his shoulder and hugged him against my side.

"And I hear that," Pete nodded. "And I believe you- with the rational part of my brain at least." Pete exhaled a slow, heavy breath before he continued: "But you know how you asked me yesterday why I wouldn't have ever believed that you love me before you said it?"

I nodded quietly, not wanting to interrupt Pete's train of thought.

"It's because I feel like I have this other irrational part of my brain that just hijacks me sometimes and makes me act like an idiot, even when I should know better."

"What do you mean?"

Pete shook his head and looked down at the sand by his feet. "I've never tried to explain this to someone else, but... But I picture it like I have these fucking gremlins that live inside my head. And they can just take over everything by shouting and shouting irrational bullshit at me until I start to believe it's the truth. So whenever these gremlins get a hold of me like that, it's like I can't focus on anything else. Not even facts that are right there in front of my face that I'd be able to see if I could only think clearly for two seconds..." Pete paused and exhaled slowly. "And so with you, every time I'd let myself think that maybe you feel the same way about me, the gremlins would start screaming at me that it couldn't possibly be true, that it was only my wishful thinking talking, that-..."

"...- But it is true. I love you, Pete."

"And I love you," Pete nodded his head and brought his eyes back up to meet mine. "But those gremlins? They're still..."

My heartbeat picked up, and I started to worry as Pete trailed off.

"Still what?"

"They're still yelling at me that you only love me because you don't actually know me. Not all of me. And that if you find out what's really there, then you'll think I'm so crazy and so weak that it'll start to feel like I'm just this burden on you." Pete's voice had dropped to a whisper, and he went quiet for a few seconds after that before he continued: "And I know it's stupid because, rationally, I know that fear isn't even about you. Not really. It's because the gremlins have always made me feel like who I am underneath everything is just embarrassing."

I threw my arm around Pete again and hugged him against me silently for a minute. This was a surprise. I'd always thought of Pete as being so confident and comfortable in his own skin, so I wouldn't have guessed that he'd ever feel this way about himself. "Pete, dude, where is this coming from?"

"Like I said, I know it's not logical," Pete shook his head. "Mostly."

"So can I ask you a question then?"

"Anything," Pete nodded, looking relieved that I might direct the conversation towards something concrete for him to focus on.

"If this isn't just about how you feel with me, then how long have you felt this way?"

"The short answer?" Pete laughed under his breath. "For a long time."

"Okay, but then what's the long answer? Like did something happen to put these gremlins into your head in the first place?"

Pete was quiet for a minute, looking out at the water and considering my question before he replied. "If I'm being honest, I can't really remember ever not feeling this way. But if I had to put it to anything specific, I think it probably was seeing what happened to uncle Paul."

"Uncle Paul?" I felt my brow wrinkle in confusion as I thought back about everything I'd ever heard from Pete about his family. "I didn't know you had an uncle Paul."

"I don't," Pete shook his head and then returned his eyes to mine. "Not a blood uncle anyway. Paul was an old friend of my mom's family who grew up with her and then became a staffer for my dad way back when Dad first ran for office. And Paul was high up, like, very, very inner circle when Dad was governor. So that meant he was always around the house and traveling with us when I was little, and I just learned to call him `uncle Paul.'"

"And something happened to him?"

"I was seven at the time. It was when Dad's term as governor was ending and he was first running for Senate. And one day as I was getting home from school I saw Paul storm out of my dad's study looking really upset. So I went in and asked my dad what happened, and he just laughed." Pete sighed and looked down at the sand again. "Dad actually fucking laughed about it. And then he told me I wasn't going to see Paul around anymore. He'd just fired him because he found out from another staffer that Paul was gay, and Dad said he couldn't stand having a dirty faggot on his payroll."

"Oh shit," I said under my breath.

Pete nodded and looked back up at me. "Paul worked for Dad for years before that. He'd spent holidays with us and everything, but... But none of that mattered to my dad. And, yeah, I already knew this about my dad before then, but after seeing it happen to uncle Paul, I really knew it..."

"Knew what?"

"That if there's something about you that Dad doesn't like or thinks is embarrassing, then you're just done. Gone. Thrown away like fucking trash. And I was too young at the time this happened to uncle Paul to really think about what it might mean for me, that maybe I was like Paul, but..."

Pete trailed off and fell quiet for a few beats, his eyes turning back to the waves lapping at the sand just beyond our feet. I stayed quiet too, waiting for Pete to continue.

"... But I think maybe that's when the gremlins hatched out of their eggs in my head and really started taking over how I think about things. Because seeing Dad do that to someone who'd basically been part of the family my whole life?" Pete closed his eyes for a second before turning to meet mine. "It just hammered home this sense I already had that there are things I should be and then there are things I can't be. And if I ever cross over that line, then there's not gonna be any forgiveness or understanding that would keep the same thing from happening to me."

"Pete, that's fucked up. Family shouldn't feel like that."

He shook his head. "Yeah, but like I said, it really wasn't a shock to see my dad do that to uncle Paul. Or that my mom wouldn't do a thing to help someone who'd been her friend for so long either. This all fit with everything I already knew about my parents."

"Did you ever see Paul after that?"

"No," Pete shook his head. "It's like uncle Paul just evaporated into thin air after that day, at least as far as my parents were concerned. I never heard either of them mention him ever again." Pete sighed and twisted his heels into the sand. "But I still overheard whispers about him from other staffers every now and then. Jokes and shit. Like it was a hilarious piece of gossip for them that Paul had HIV. And I don't know this for sure, but I think it was something related to him being sick that made the truth get back to my dad."

"So do you know where Paul is now?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "He died a few years later since this all happened back before there were medications and treatments that worked. And even then, no one ever acknowledged it or told me about it. But later on, when I was starting to figure things out about myself, I was curious and tried to look him up since I knew I couldn't ever ask about Paul without raising questions. So I looked online one day, and I found an obituary for him."

"Fuck, I'm so sorry."

Pete just exhaled and looked out at the water quietly as I thought about what I'd just heard. One piece stood out to me because it reminded me of something I'd wondered about Pete's past.

"So, umm, I know it's bullshit for me to even ask you this question..." I began, not sure how to put this in a way that wouldn't make Pete feel self-conscious.

"Say it," Pete turned back to me and smiled. "It's okay."

"Well, you just said 'when you were starting to figure stuff out about yourself.' And I know it's stupid to even bring up 'cause no one would ever ask a straight person this, but..."

"What?" Pete said, putting a hand on my knee. "It's okay. Really."

"I kinda want to ask when that was for you- when you started to realize, I mean. Because I have wondered how long it's been that you've felt like you had to keep a secret like this."

Pete nodded and squeezed my knee for a moment. "That I was really conscious of it? I guess maybe it hit me a few years after all that happened to uncle Paul."

I was still embarrassed for being so boneheaded, but I figured now was my time to ask Pete about this too: "And I know this is another dumb question, but how did you know? Like, was there something that happened that made you start to be aware of it?"

"Yeah," Pete chuckled under his breath a little, but then I noticed some color flush in his cheeks too. "It was roping."

"Roping?" I laughed, involuntarily, in surprise. "That's not at all what I thought you were gonna say."

Pete laughed too. "Are you worried this is gonna get kinky?"

"No," I shook my head and nudged his shoulder with mine. "And stop worrying about what I'm gonna think. I'm here."

"Okay, you're right," Pete exhaled. "Yeah, so roping. It was at a rodeo competition in Bozeman where my Dad had an appearance when I was twelve. He decided it would look good for him if I was doing something at the rodeo too, so my parents put me in this junior roping competition. And there was this other kid who was in it. He was maybe a year older than me, and he'd done it before. And I guess I must've looked clueless `cause he came up to me and started explaining to me what to do. And to demonstrate, he kinda hugged onto me and guided my arms through the motions..." Pete lifted up his arms and mimicked the motion of roping for a few seconds. "He wasn't being creepy or anything, just showing me. But I remember feeling this twinge when he was touching me that I never had before. And I remember noticing his smile, and his laugh, and then it clicked all of a sudden that this was the kind of thing I'd heard other boys talking about with girls. And up until that point, I'd never been that interested or had much of anything to say in those conversations... But, yeah, that day at the rodeo was the first thing that made me really start to think about why I'd never been interested."

"So did anything happen with you and this guy?"

"No," Pete shook his head. "It was just that. And I never saw him again either. But it was after that that I started wondering more, and..." Pete's cheeks flushed red again as he paused. "And also looking around on the internet."

"Looking around on the internet for what?"

"For porn," Pete exhaled and then rubbed his face with his hands for a few seconds before continuing. "I mean, I'd looked before. I'd seen boobs and vagina and stuff and started jacking off, but I don't know. I just didn't see the big deal about it, not like how I'd hear other boys talk about it anyway. But before that day at the rodeo I never really read that much into that. I thought maybe I was just a late bloomer or something."

"But then, what? You started looking for gay porn after that?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "And it was like night and day, the difference between how I felt looking at stuff with women and how I felt looking at what I found. Like even to this day I can still remember the first pic I ever saw of two guys together. They were fucking, and I could see a hard dick sliding into the other guy's ass. And I just..." Pete shook his head as though to keep from slipping into a trance. "The looks on both of their faces. Fuck, I'd never felt anything like that before. And I came so fast when I saw it."

"So that was like your big gay awakening?"

"Well," the corners of Pete's mouth sunk down into a frown. "Only kind of."

"What do you mean?"

Pete looked down at his hand on the other side of me. He was digging his fingers into the sand nervously. "I still don't know if this means I'm actually weird, or if that's just how the gremlins have made me feel about myself. But that's when there started to be this big split in my life."

"A split?"

"Yeah, like on one side of it there was what I kept doing in private, behind closed doors that no one knew a thing about..."

"You mean, jacking it to gay porn?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded, looking back up at me. "And constantly. I'd sneak away to jack off any chance I could get."

I couldn't stop myself from laughing a bit and nudging Pete in the side with my shoulder. "Pete, that's not weird. I mean, I think we all did that, right?"

"I didn't mean I thought it was weird that I was jackin' it to porn constantly," Pete smiled and shook his head. "I knew from other boys that they were doing that too. But then I also knew that they weren't looking at what I was."

"Gay stuff?"

"Gay stuff," Pete nodded. "And I knew I could never let anyone find out about that because I believed deep down that I shouldn't have been looking at any of that. So every time after I came, I felt completely horrified with myself for what I was doing."

"What do you mean `shouldn't'?"

Pete let out another long breath. "You gotta remember that up until then the only person in my actual life who I knew to be gay was uncle Paul. My parents never would've let me near anyone who was out in the open about it. So that just made me feel like I was the only one in my whole world with... with this thing. And, yeah, rationally, I knew that gay people existed out there. But it was like that- out there in the world, and far away from anything I knew. Because in my whole world... I couldn't see any place to be gay in it."

"Because of what happened to Paul?"

"Yeah, and from other stuff too. I mean, my dad and all his friends have literal voting records about this that I could look up. So how my parents feel about being gay hasn't been some big unknown I ever had to wonder about. It's all out there in the open in my dad's stump speeches and everything." I put my hand on Pete's knee and squeezed it when he went quiet for another minute before he went on:

"So after the rodeo when I started going deep down the rabbit hole with gay porn... God, I just became so paranoid about covering all my tracks after each time. I erased every trace on my computer, and I cleaned up obsessively after myself so there was no evidence to find." Pete paused there and laughed under his breath. "And I think maybe that's why I always keep our room so clean now."

I smiled back at Pete. "Well, you are a way cleaner roommate than Mike ever was. But I never would've guessed that this was the reason why."

"Old habits die hard," Pete smiled a little before turning serious again. "But it wasn't just about cleaning up and erasing the evidence though. After each time I jacked off, I always felt so guilty about what I was doing. Like I'd literally get down on my knees and pray to God to forgive me for it because I was a thousand percent convinced that what I was doing was dirty and sinful. And every time, I would swear to myself that it was the last time. But I just... I couldn't stop myself. Like clockwork, the next chance I got to be alone, I'd go online and do it all over again."

"So is that what you meant when you were saying there was a split in your life?"

"No," Pete shook his head. "That was about something else. What I was getting to was that even though I was so into guys online, it always just stayed there behind closed doors with me and the porn. Because on the other side of this split, in my real life with all the guys I actually knew at school or out in the world, none of this ever bled out into that. I never felt attracted to any guy I knew growing up."

"Never?"

"That's the honest truth," Pete sighed. "There wasn't ever another guy I met who even caught my eye like that. And I still can't really explain why. I think maybe I was just so ashamed of it all that I had a block in my head that kept me from ever looking at anyone real like that."

"So that's what you meant by the split?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "And, to be honest, part of me felt relieved by this too. Like I thought that the fact that I never felt like doing something with a real guy somehow meant that I wasn't actually gay. And so I even hoped that maybe it was just that I'd gotten myself addicted to some fucked up porn, like this was all just a bad habit I'd fallen into and not who I am. So the gremlins convinced me that if I could only be strong enough, then I could break the habit with some self-discipline and just be normal like I always was when I was around people."

"But you couldn't?"

"No," Pete laughed wryly. "I mean, could you have stopped jacking off or looking at porn if you'd tried?"

"Nope," I smiled and squeezed his knee again to reassure him. "And there were times around that age when I'd have my Catholic guilt moments about how lust is a sin, and I'd try to stop too... But, umm, no dice for me either. But for me, I always felt way more guilty about the crushes I had on girls I knew. Like I didn't want to come off like this sketchy perv who was always drooling over the girls in class, ya know?"

"Honestly?" Pete shook his head. "No. And I remember kinda telling you about this once before- about how I used to believe that I was defective because I never felt that spark with anybody."

"You really thought that about yourself?"

"I did," Pete nodded and dropped his eyes down to where I'd kept my hand resting on his knee. "I mean, I'd see other guys having crushes or starting to have girlfriends, and I just felt weirder and weirder that I never felt anything like that, even if it wasn't something I'd ever be able to act on with a guy. And after a while, the gremlins really did make me worry that I didn't have it in me to ever connect with someone in that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I got this complex that it was fucking weird that I'd never felt interested in an actual real-life guy. Or in a girl, which I believed would've been so much better. So even in my more honest moments when I'd admit to myself that maybe I really was gay, I couldn't see a way that it would ever go anywhere for me since I thought I was missing some piece of what it takes to feel something for another person."

"So can I ask you another question then?"

Pete nodded.

"If that's where you were at, then how did you get from there to actually telling your mom?"

Pete sighed. "When my mom got diagnosed with the cancer, it was so out of the blue. Like, she hadn't ever really felt sick before that. And by the time they caught it, it was so advanced there wasn't much they could do. So it all happened fast. Like one month everything was normal, and then the next.. It was like, holy shit, this is happening. And it's bad. And..." Pete shook his head and went quiet.

I squeezed Pete's hand and then pulled it into the pocket of my hoodie along with mine to keep it warm as I waited for him to go on.

"And because it seemed like it came out of nowhere, the gremlins got it into my head that I had brought this on the family. Like it was God's punishment for what I was doing, or that He was testing me somehow to see if I could be strong enough to finally break my bad habit. And so I actually did it. For a while, as Mom was going downhill, I stopped jacking off, and I stopped looking at the porn. But it didn't work. It still didn't make her get better."

"Dude, you know that wasn't your fault, right?"

Pete nodded. "Now, rationally, I do. But as it was happening...? The gremlins wouldn't let me see it that way because she kept getting worse and worse. So then I started believing that just stopping wasn't enough and what I really needed to do was make a confession and actually own up to my sin, and that's what it would take. So that day in the hospital with her when I did it? I didn't plan it ahead of time or anything. It wasn't premeditated like that. It was just somewhere my head was already primed to take me in that moment."

"So how did it happen then?"

"She was talking to me about what she expected my future to look like. All this stuff about how I would get married and have kids of my own and keep up all these family traditions and run for office myself one day... And as I listened to her, it clicked in my head that this was it. This was the test I needed to pass. This is what I had to do to own up to it and overcome my sin. Because I thought that if I could do that, then maybe God would make her get better. And if I didn't do it... If I lied to my mom's face as she was fucking dying, then I would definitely be damned forever."

"And so you told her?"

Pete nodded. "I told her I was scared that wasn't going to be my life, that I wouldn't be able to do what she was describing. I told her I hadn't been into girls but that I was into guys and I didn't know how to stop that."

"And then what happened?"

Pete ran his free hand over his face as I squeezed the one I was still holding inside my pocket even tighter. "I'll never forget how she looked at me when I told her. She looked like I had betrayed her in the worst way possible. Like she was so horrified that something like me could've come from her because I was just..." Pete swallowed down something in his throat after he trailed off. "Just something disgusting that was polluting the family."

I released Pete's hand so I could hug him against my side with that arm instead. Pete dropped his head down onto my shoulder, turning it to look out at the ocean again.

"And she said?"

"What I told you before. That I couldn't ever tell anyone. That this couldn't be me, and I'd never be happy if it were because it would fuck everything up for me and for my dad too."

"Pete,...-" I began, but he went on before I could complete the thought:

"-... And it wasn't even much of a conversation. Like, we didn't even really talk about it. Because after I told her, she said..." I felt Pete's posture stiffening as he leaned into my side. "She just made it clear that she basically wanted me out of her sight the minute the nurses came back in to check on her."

"Pete,..." I started, but then I could feel his entire body had tensed up and gone rigid against mine, so I hugged him even tighter. "I love you."

Pete was quiet, and his gaze stayed fixed off in the distance on some spot on the horizon that I couldn't pick out. It seemed like he was trying so hard not to cry, like keeping his eyes focused on the water in front of us was the only way he had to stop the memories from completely overwhelming him.

Minutes ticked by quietly as I just held Pete close against me. Finally, I felt some of the tension he was holding in his body start to relax a bit, so I broke the silence hanging between us:

"I'm not gonna make you talk about that any more right now if you don't want to," I said, turning and kissing the top of Pete's head gently. "But, Pete, I think you need to let this shit out if it's still got a hold on you."

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm such a mess," Pete replied, his voice sounding tight. "It's embarrassing that it still gets to me."

"Dude, don't apologize. You're not a mess. I mean, you've never talked about this with anyone, right?"

Pete shook his head silently.

"Then seriously, give yourself a break."

"But you're my boyfriend, Max, not my therapist. I don't wanna put too much on you or make you think I'm some basket case."

"But I don't want you to carry too much on your own, either. You don't have to. And I mean it: I want to understand you, Pete. All of it."

He smiled up at me faintly. "Thanks."

"Dude, of course. And I appreciate you telling me this because I have wondered what it's felt like for you to be keeping shit like this to yourself for so long," I shook my head. "And I gotta admit you're also making me wonder how the hell you turned out so different from both of your parents."

Pete snorted under his breath at that last part. "Well that's easy to explain: It's probably `cause they never bothered with raising me themselves."

"What do you mean?"

Pete shrugged. "They put it all off on nannies and tutors and coaches. Because it was always clear that they cared way more about their careers and staying in the spotlight than ever focusing on me." Pete paused and chuckled under his breath a bit. "I mean, you've met my dad at least, so you've seen for yourself how he'll suck up all the airtime in any room he's in."

"Yeah," I agreed, thinking that was a pretty accurate summary of the impressions I'd gotten of Pete's father when I met him.

"And growing up, I really did have the sense that I'm basically just a prop for them for campaign ads and photo ops. Like they'd bring me out or talk about me when it suited them, and then they'd send me away and ignore me when the cameras were gone. And as I got older, it got easy to pick out the patterns in what my parents wanted me to be like and what they wanted to be able to show off about me. I mean, it wasn't ever subtle. It was always clear what kind of image they wanted me to project. So as I got older and started to have this..." he shook his head. "This thing about me that went against all that... I just doubled down on acting the part because that was the easiest thing to do when I felt like I was already so ashamed of it myself."

"But was that easy, though? To hide everything?"

Pete sighed. "Day to day? Yeah. Like I know this sounds cowardly of me, but there were just these motions to go through. And playing along was always way easier than ever trying to rebel against it since talking back is never really an option with my dad."

"Yeah, but what about in the long run though? That had to be hard on you to always keep it up."

Pete sighed again and ran one of his hands through his hair. "Yeah, I guess so. But it's also been what's safe. Like when I think about what happened to uncle Paul, or about what my mom did after she knew about me, I've been so fucking terrified of anyone ever looking at me hard enough to actually see me. And every step of the way, the gremlins have just kept screaming and screaming at me to keep my real self locked down and to always run as far as I can from anyone ever getting to know me."

"But, Pete, I remember you telling me once how you don't like just playing along. That it's not you."

He nodded in acknowledgement to that. "No, I don't like it. But it's been... manageable. Before I met you anyway. But then with you..." Pete turned to face me and put one of his hands on my knee. "It's been the closest I've ever gotten in my life to being myself around someone else. And I think that's helped me to start to understand what that can feel like. But then I know I've gone and fucked things up with you along the way, and-..."

"...- Pete, you haven't-..."

"...-No, I'm serious," Pete shook his head and cut me off. "I know I've made mistakes. I've done shit that's hurt you like lying about how I really feel. And I wish I could just take it back and do it all over again because I feel like such an idiot."

"Pete, you're not an idiot. But please listen to me: you don't have to hide how you feel from me. Not anymore."

"And I hear that, but..." Pete began, but then he trailed off before he finished.

"No, `buts.' I mean it," I insisted, covering the hand he had on my knee with one of mine. "You can be honest with me."

Pete shook his head. "I'm trying to. And I'm trying to explain the state of mind I was in when I made some of those mistakes with you, bu-..." he caught himself before I could interrupt him again. "-... And I don't want to make excuses for myself while I do that. I just... I know I wasn't as up front with you as I should've been before we left for the summer and again when I came to visit you. And I think it's because those gremlins I've been telling you about have had years to convince me that there's no point in me telling anyone how I actually feel and that I always have to just settle for doing what I think other people want from me."

"And I can see how you would've thought that before," I nodded. "But that's not what I want you to do with me now."

Pete nodded, and squeezed my knee before he went on. "I think what I want you to understand from this is why I never learned to be up front about what I'm feeling before now. And it's because those gremlins have made it so easy for me to believe that saying what's on my mind won't matter or that only bad shit could possibly come of it."

"And I do hear you about how that's been for you, Pete," I said, squeezing his hand on my knee with mine. "But I mean it: you don't have to do that with me."

"I'm trying not to," Pete nodded. "Because, rationally, I really do believe you. But I also need you to hear me on this, Max: The fact that I suck at being honest about my feelings and what I want...? That's not your fault." Pete locked his eyes on mine and squeezed my knee again. "It's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to overcome that for me either. It's something I need to work on getting better at myself if I'm ever gonna stop messing things up with us."

"But, Pete, you haven't...-"

"-... No, let me finish," Pete shook his head as he cut me off. "And I already know what you're about to say anyway."

"You do?"

Pete smiled at me. "You're gonna stop me and tell me that anything that's ever gone wrong between us is all your fault."

"Umm, yeah," I stammered. "Because it is. I mean, I know I've fucked up things between us. And that's why I wrote to you yesterday to apologize for it. I feel like I'm the reason it took us so long to get here. And I'm sor-..."

"-... Ughhh," Pete groaned and rolled his eyes at me, cutting me off once again. "Just stop."

"What??" I asked, confused.

"You're just..." Pete shook his head at me, looking frustrated. "You're such a selfish asshole sometimes."

I felt my posture slump as soon as I heard Pete say that. "I am?"

"Yes," Pete squeezed my knee and smiled at me as my eyes searched his face for clues about what he meant by that. "You won't ever admit it when I do something that hurts you. And I think it's because you'd rather convince yourself that anything that ever goes wrong is completely your fault."

"Pete, I-..."

"-... No, I'm serious. And I think you do that `cause you believe that if everything is your fault, then that also somehow means you can control it and you can fix it all on your own." Pete was quiet for a beat after he said that, his eyes locked on mine as he watched that sink in. "But this complex you have where you try to make it entirely up to you to fix everything? It is selfish. And it's selfish because it means you won't ever tell me when I'm the one who messes something up." I was about to drop my eyes away from Pete's as I heard that, but he nudged me with his shoulder to stop me and hold my gaze before he went on: "But I need to be able to see it when I make a mistake, Max. And what I actually need from you is to help me to see it when I mess up, not to shield me from it and just put all the blame on yourself instead."

I gulped down an impulse I had to protest against what Pete was saying because it suddenly seemed like that would only prove his point. I was trying to listen and actually take in what he was telling me. "Pete, I-..."

"-... No, don't go guilt tripping yourself about this either," Pete said, rubbing circles into my knee with his thumb now. "I didn't call you selfish to be a dick or because I think that you're a dick. That's not it. Not at all. Because I know that when you try to put everything on yourself, it comes from how much you care about the people you love..." Pete sighed and waited for me to level my eyes with his again so he knew that I was listening to him. "But I love you, Max. And I want this to work between us. And I think for that to happen, you need to let go some and understand that there are things that do need to change. And that change isn't just stuff that you can do all on your own. I have shit I need to change too. And that's not something that you can just do for me."

Now I exhaled a deep breath, realizing that Pete was right about this. "Okay. I hear you."

"Good," Pete smiled. "So hear this too: I want to make this work." Pete grinned even bigger. "God, I want that more than anything I've ever wanted in my life."

"I know," I nodded, and then I leaned over and kissed him. "And I do too."

Pete smiled and kissed me again before he went on:

"And I guess another thing I've been wanting you to understand from all this is that last year, when we were just friends, it's really no exaggeration when I say that was the most open and the closest I've felt to anyone. Ever. Like, it sounds pathetic to admit this out loud, but I realize now how fucking starved I always was for any kind of real intimacy or friendship before I met you. And it felt so good to finally have that bond with someone last year, even though it also hurt like hell that I had to keep so much from you before you knew I was gay."

"You're not pathetic, Pete," I said, reaching up and placing my hand on his arm now.

"But then when things did start between us..." Pete shook his head. "It seemed like you started to shut down on me as soon as we got into that. And when that happened, it felt like I was losing the bond we'd had as friends. And that fucking hurt me, Max."

I felt myself wince as I heard Pete confirm what I'd feared for so long, but I still kept my eyes steady on his as I replied: "You're right, Pete. And it hurt me too. That's why I couldn't take it anymore and finally wrote you that email yesterday."

"And I'm so glad you did that," Pete nodded. "But I'm being blunt about all this now because I'm trying to be honest with you. It hurt to have you pull back on me. And it hurt because I want the closeness we'd always had as friends too. I mean, as hot as you are and as awesome as all the physical stuff is with you, that's not what made me love you. It's that I could let go with you and be more of myself around you than I ever had with anyone. And I know there's still more for me to go with that, but I think I realize now how much I need that. And I want it with you, Max."

"That's what I was trying to tell you yesterday: I want that with you too, Pete."

"And I'm so fucking releived to hear that," Pete smiled and took one of my hands in his again, lacing our fingers together. "Because this right now? It feels so good to finally talk to you like this because..." Pete shook his head. "Because fuck those gremlins. I want you to see me, Max. I want you to understand where I'm coming from. And that's why I'm telling you all this and why I'm starting way back before I met you, even though I haven't even gotten to the hard part yet."

"The hard part?"

Pete dropped his eyes from mine and sighed. "The shit I'm worried is really gonna change how you see me."

"Pete, dude,..." I started, and then I waited for him to bring his eyes back up to mine before I continued. "I'll tell you over and over until it's even louder than the gremlins in your ears: Stop worrying about what I'm gonna think or what I want to hear. Just be honest with me. It's okay."

Pete nodded. "I'm trying. But it is hard for me to think about this stuff and not worry about how bad it sounds. Because I'm getting to shit that always makes me feel like I'm weak or just..." Pete shuddered. "Just fucking broken. And so that's why I wanted to warn you not to make everything you hear into your fault or your responsibility. I don't want you to hear this next part and have it feel like I'm trying to put all this pressure on you to somehow make everything better for me. I don't ever want to be that kind of burden on you, and I don't want to make you feel like you're... I don't know, obligated to stay with me and make everything work out with us because you're worried I'd fall apart without you."

"Pete, I don't know where you're going next with this. So all I can say now is that I've never- not once- thought of you as being someone who needed fixing. So if that's the kind of shit that you've been worried that I'd start to see in you...?" I shook my head, looking for the words to make Pete understand this. "Fuck, then I think you should just rip off the bandaid and tell me whatever it is. Because I don't think what you're worried about is gonna happen, and maybe the only way you're ever gonna believe that is just to try me and see."

Pete looked out at the ocean for a few seconds and then back at me and nodded. "Yeah. And I think you're right about ripping off the bandaid."

"So where were we then? How were you after your mom died?"

"To be completely honest..." Pete snorted under his breath. "I was a shit show. Like I didn't know who to be mad at. At God for taking her away after I sincerely tried to pass what I thought was this big test of me facing my sin. Or at her for how she reacted to me. Or at my dad for pulling me away from Montana to go to school in DC. Or at myself because I still believed that Mom dying was somehow my fault if that disappointment in me was what pushed her to the end."

"Pete, it's not-..."

He shook his head to brush aside my interruption. "-... I know it's irrational. But the gremlins wouldn't let me be rational about any of this. I was too fucked up. And it wasn't even because Mom and I were close. We weren't. And so I didn't even get to mourn her like that. It's more like I was realizing that this was going to be it for me. There were no more chances left, and I'd never get to have a mom in my life who actually gives a shit about me. And realizing that made me feel even more alone than I already did because of what I'd been hiding from everyone. And then when I thought about how Mom reacted to me telling her...? God, it stuck with me. And it pumped up all the gremlins that already had me believing I was dirty and perverted."

"So did you ever think about talking to anyone else about any of this back then?"

"Not even for a second," Pete shook his head. "The way that my mom took the news just made me that much more sure that I couldn't let anyone ever find out about me. So instead of talking to anyone, I focused on trying to be perfect at acting the part I knew I was supposed to play. I wanted to be the best athlete. The best student. The kid at school that everyone liked- basically everything my dad had always expected me to be. Because more than anything, I just wanted to be above suspicion after Mom's reaction basically confirmed for me that I should feel ashamed of everything I'd been hiding. And so when I started high school, I went into overdrive to keep up this act that I was fine so that no one would ever think twice and take a harder look at me."

"But did that work?"

Pete snorted under his breath again. "Yeah, basically. I mean, no one was actually that worried about me in any kind of sincere way. So as long as I acted fine, that was good enough to keep people off my back."

"Did that make you feel any better though?"

"Yes and no," Pete shrugged. "But all I ever felt like doing back then was withdrawing from everyone around me because that at least took off the pressure I felt to keep up the act that I was okay. So I'd find spots like this where I could avoid being around people when I was outside of school. And at my high school, I was friendly enough with people to keep up appearances, but I never actually wanted to hang out with anyone since being alone just felt so much better than faking it."

"And so when you were alone, did you go back to doing what you were doing before?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "It wasn't like right away after Mom died, but eventually I did start jacking off to gay porn again. And that just brought me right back to the whole fucking cycle of feeling so guilty about everything. But even though I wanted to be strong enough to quit cold turkey, I just couldn't resist the temptation." Pete laughed under his breath for a second. "I mean, honestly, other than playing with my dog, jacking off was pretty much the only moments I had back then when I actually felt good."

I squeezed his knee. "But you were still trying to fight against it anyway?"

"Yeah, because the gremlins kept screaming at me that Mom was right and this couldn't possibly be my life. And I even pushed myself to give it a try with a few girls from high school to give that a shot and see if it would spark anything for me."

"And how did that go?"

"Ughh," Pete shook his head. "Every time I tried, it just made me feel like absolute shit. I mean, I knew what a fucking sham it all was, and I felt so awful for leading those girls on. So that just became another thing that made me want to withdraw away from everyone." Pete shook his head. "And it was actually that whole feeling of wanting to escape from people that got me into tennis in the first place."

"What do you mean?"

"Before high school, Dad kept pushing me into baseball since that was his sport and he wanted me to play it in college just like he had. But I picked up tennis when I was starting high school because it gave me a way to avoid people on the trips he had me tag along on with him."

"Yeah, I remember you saying that about Florida at the end of the summer."

"It really is the perfect out with Dad's friends," Pete nodded. "And it was with other kids at school too. I mean, tennis takes up a lot of time, and it's pretty solo. So it became a convenient excuse to get out of the things people would invite me to without sounding too weird about it."

"But do you actually like it though?"

Pete shrugged. "I like that it gives me an escape. When I'm on the court, it feels kinda like coming to one of my spots like this because I can actually be there in the moment and shut out all the gremlins and the other trash in my head for a while." A half-smile tugged at the corners of Pete's mouth for a moment. "And to this day, tennis is still the one and only example I have of ever successfully pushing back against something Dad wanted me to do."

"It is?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "And the only reason that tennis stuck over baseball is because I kept winning tournaments and was actually good at it. Like it never would've flown with my dad if I was only mediocre or if it was something I wanted to do just because I enjoyed it."

"So tennis gave you a win over your dad and a way to avoid people?"

Pete nodded. "And I think I really needed both of those things. Because by the time I was getting further into high school I actually did get to a point where I was finally admitting to myself that, yeah, I'm fucking gay. And it was dawning on me that I wasn't gonna change, even if there still had never been any guy I knew who I actually wanted to be with."

"So what got you to admit that to yourself if you'd still been fighting it?"

"It wasn't like this specific moment or thing that I can point to this time. I think maybe it was just more time and the fact that I kept failing over and over again at resisting it." I nodded and squeezed Pete's hand. "And since I was living mostly in DC by then, I did start to see actual, real life gay people around in the city there. And they all seemed..." Pete sighed and shook his head. "Just so normal. Like I'd see these guys who were out with their friends and boyfriends. And it looked like they had actual lives that were fine where terrible shit wasn't happening to them all the time just because of who they were."

"So did that help at all? For you to see that?"

"No," Pete looked down and shook his head. "Like it's messed up, but in some ways that actually made my gremlins get even worse."

"How so?"

"Because seeing other gay guys out and being happy with people who care about them made me worry even more that I was defective in a way that would keep me from ever having anything like that. And then if that was true..."

"Then what?"

"Then I started to become paranoid that I wasn't weird just because I'm gay. I started to believe that what was wrong with me ran deeper than that. Like even if it's technically possible for some guys to be gay and happy, that wasn't ever gonna happen for me because I thought there were things about me that still made me weird even among other gay people."

"Pete, you're not-..."

Pete shook his head and squeezed my hand back. "...- No, let me finish. If I don't rip it off and do it now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say this next part out loud."

I nodded and stayed quiet.

Pete exhaled a long breath, and I could feel his whole body tensing up as he started speaking again. "So the gremlins got me to this low point where I was convinced that there was something truly wrong with me, something bigger than just being gay." He shook his head, and his eyes turned downcast. "And there was a long time where I actually believed that I would never love anyone, and that no one was ever going to love me. And I believed that because I thought I was nothing more than some hollow shell of a person. Like I was totally empty inside and didn't have anything to me other than this act I was keeping up."

Pete's posture stiffened even more as he said that, and then his voice started to get hoarse as he went on: "And since I was spending so much time alone back then, I didn't really have anything or anyone that could help me make the gremlins shut up about this or get me to think any different. I just felt completely stuck in it. Like I couldn't even imagine a way that I'd ever not feel as shitty and alone as I did at that time." Pete paused for a few seconds, and the sound of the waves hung in the air as I held my breath and waited for him to go on. "So that's when I started to..."

"Started to what?"

Pete gulped down something in his throat, and his voice sounded even thicker when he spoke again: "There's a place in the mountains behind our family ranch in Montana, another one of my spots I always loved. It's a cliff on the side of the mountain up above everything, and you can just see forever when you're on it."

A chill ran down my spine.

I felt my chest get tight, and my breath abruptly caught in my throat. I gripped Pete's hand even harder with mine as he went on:

"And there were a couple of times when I was home back then that I hiked up to that cliff. And I actually walked right up to the edge of it, and..."

I knew my grip was crushing Pete's hand in mine now, but I couldn't stop myself. I could feel my heartbeat pumping adrenaline through my entire body as I tried to keep myself from interrupting Pete with the one thought screaming through my mind:

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no no No No No NO NO NO...

"... And it wasn't ever because I wanted to die. Not exactly. I was just..." Pete stopped again to swallow down the thickness in his throat. "I just couldn't even imagine what it would be like to not feel how I did back then. Like I literally couldn't even picture a day where it was possible that I would feel happy for more than a moment or two. And so there were times when I just didn't think I could stand it anymore if nothing was ever gonna change about me or how I felt."

And now I couldn't stand it anymore.

I let go of Pete's hand and pulled him against me, hugging him as tightly as I could. "I'm so fucking glad you're still here, Pete. That you never did that."

Pete hugged me back, clinging onto me so hard that I could feel the vibrations in his chest as he spoke over my shoulder: "I didn't. Obviously." Then Pete released his hold on me just enough that he could pull back to look at me in the face once again. "And, honestly, it was only Rocky that stopped me."

"Your dog?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded and then wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. "My parents had gotten Rocky for me when I was little. And even though he was slowing down by then, Rocky still had a lot of life in him. But I just didn't trust that my dad would take care of Rocky if I was gone 'cause I was always the one who would. So I knew that if I ever went over that edge, I might be taking Rocky with me if Dad was just gonna put him down before his time."

I couldn't help myself. I hugged Pete again and dropped my head down to rest on his shoulder so I could breathe him in and feel that he was here. "Pete, that would've been way before your time too."

"I know." I felt Pete nodding in reply, but I straightened up so I could see the expression on his face too.

"Do you? Pete, I'm serious. Do you still feel like that sometimes?"

"No, not anymore," Pete replied. But the scrutiny I was fixing on Pete's expression right now was palpable even to me, so he went on: "And that's me being totally honest with you, Max! And, looking back on it now, this is one of those things I've been too ashamed to ever tell anyone. Including you. I'm..." he shook his head. "I'm embarrassed that I ever felt that way. So it's hard for me to admit that out loud to you because I don't want you to think I'm so crazy or so fragile that you need to walk on eggshells around me."

"Dude, not at all. I don't think you're fragile for having felt that way. I think you're so fucking strong for surviving all this on your own. But you shouldn't have had to. And I want you to know you don't need to do it on your own anymore."

"Thank you," Pete nodded. "But I'm also worried that you'll hear that and twist it around so that you make it your responsibility to keep me from ever going there again. I don't want you to put that kind of pressure on yourself."

"But I love you, Pete."

"And I appreciate you being here with me, but I don't want you to feel like you're trapped into staying with me if that ever becomes something you don't actually want anymore. And I don't want you to worry that if things don't work out with us, that it's gonna mean I'll go back to thinking that way."

I hugged him against me once again, needing to feel that he was here.

"I mean it, Pete. If that's what you've been afraid of me knowing, you don't need to be. I hear you, and I hear what you don't want me to do. But now I need you to hear something too: This doesn't change a thing about how I feel about you. I love you. I don't think you're weak or broken or crazy or anything else. I want you to know that it's okay. You're not scaring me away or putting pressure on me. I'm still here. And it's because I want to be here."

Pete exhaled a deep breath and then rested his head on my shoulder, and I let him just breathe for a few minutes until I felt some of the tension in his body start to relax.

"But can I ask you something else about this though?"

"Yes," Pete replied, straightening back up to look at me.

"Rocky did die when you were in your Junior year, right? Were you still thinking about it then?"

Pete exhaled slowly and shook his head. "No, I was... I was past it by that point. Because by then, I was starting to see college on the horizon. And with that getting closer, I could at least start to believe there could be a way for something to be different there. And I did have my whole plan to get a scholarship to go somewhere else and get away from my dad."

"But I know how that plan turned out for you."

"And, yeah," Pete sighed. "I was mad at Dad for what he did. But at that point college was close enough that I could have hope that just being further away from him- even if it was at the same school he went to where our name is plastered all over everything- would be different enough for something to feel different once I got here."

"And did it?"

Pete laughed. "Oh yeah."

"What happened?"

Pete just smiled at me. "Well, you happened for one thing."

"But I didn't even do anything back then," I shook my head as I thought back on it. "I mean, I was so clueless about everything with you. And I was just... how did you say it in your poem? `Falling all about my own thing'?"

Pete's grin got a little wider as he reached for my hand again. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"You treated me like I'm my own person and not like I'm just some extension to my family."

"Is that such a big deal, though?"

"For me? Yes."

I was quiet for a second as it struck me suddenly how many people, even ones I thought of as our friends back at school, would always refer to Pete as Lyons' and never Pete.'

"I didn't think I was doing anything special," I said. "I mean, that really shouldn't be something that feels so unusual to you."

"No, it shouldn't," Pete shook his head. "But that wasn't the only thing about you that was different."

"What else?"

"Well, you know how I've been telling you about how worried I was that I'd never been attracted to a guy in real life?"

"Yeah," I nodded. And then Pete just broke out into another grin and leaned his shoulder into mine. "Me?"

"Big time," Pete smiled and then dropped a hand down to my thigh and squeezed it. "And right from the jump too."

"Really?"

"Really." I noticed some color flood into Pete's cheeks as his eyes dropped down to somewhere near my chest before he continued: "Like I still remember the first time I ever saw you."

"At that orientation party?"

"No," Pete's cheeks flushed an even deeper red. "It was before that. And I don't think you even saw that I was staring at you `cause you were out on a run when it happened." Pete lifted his eyes back up to mine and smiled. "But you had your shirt off. And... and I don't know. It was so sudden and unexpected, but I just felt it. Like, finally, something in real life."

"Something?"

"Don't make me say it," Pete rolled his eyes and nudged me with his shoulder again.

"Pete, you don't have to be embarrassed. It's okay."

"You're so fucking beautiful," he blurted.

Okay, now I was the one who was embarrassed.

"Nah, dude, that's... that's you," I stammered in response. "You're beautiful."

"You are," Pete leaned forward and kissed me. "And I kept noticing you around during orientation week. Like I couldn't stop myself from watching you because it was so weird after having never felt that twinge with a guy in real life. And if I'm being honest, it actually made me feel intimidated to talk to you."

"Really? You never showed it."

"Well," Pete laughed to himself. "I chickened out on coming up to you a couple of times before I actually did because I was so worried."

"Worried about what?"

"It was just so different for me, actually having a real-life attraction. And when it finally happened, I felt..." Pete shook his head. "I don't know, alarmed I guess. Like for so long before this, I'd been able to keep this flame contained in a campfire ring inside me. But seeing you... It was like all of a sudden a spark escaped outside of the ring where I'd always kept everything safe and locked down."

"But you did talk to me. I remember. It was that night outside the party."

"Because I thought I should just get to know you," Pete nodded. "I mean, as relieved as I was to finally feel attracted to someone real, I also didn't want to be. It scared me. And I worried that if I wasn't careful, then that one spark that escaped would blow up into a wildfire that could burn everything in my world down to ash. So I pushed myself to finally talk to you that night because I was really hoping I'd discover that you're an asshole or a jerk. I really just wanted to find some fault in you that would kill the attraction."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Well good thing I have so many faults for you to find."

"No, dude, not at all," Pete smiled and shook his head. "I kept coming up with excuses to be around you after that because I was looking and looking for the thing that would put out the spark. But it didn't work. The more I was around you, the more I wanted to keep being around you. And it was addicting, really, how good I felt when I could make you laugh or smile. Then the more I got to know about you..." Pete shook his head and trailed off again.

"What?"

"At first I thought you were hot. And then I thought you were adorable. And then so fucking beautiful. And funny. And smart. And genuine. And good-hearted and caring... And before I knew it, I was like, holy shit, I'm completely fucked."

"What do you mean, `fucked?'"

"Because it was like after being stuck at zero for my entire life, I jumped straight to one hundred in less than a second. And it wasn't just that I was attracted to you. It was already way more than that. It was like I suddenly had what felt like a true friend for the first time in my life."

"But it wasn't just you though," I reached up and grabbed his arm. "I felt so close to you so quickly. And that was weird for me too since I'm usually not like that around new people. But it wasn't bad-weird. It was good-weird. Like, honestly, I don't know how I would've made it through that first semester of being so homesick without having you there as my friend."

"And I was so happy to feel like I was actually helping you," Pete nodded. "And you helped me get through adjusting to being at college way more than you probably realized too."

"Then I'm glad I was doing something to return the favor."

"You did," Pete smiled, but then his expression slipped to something more serious. "And I really was relieved that what I felt for you finally killed off those gremlins that'd had me convinced I was so defective. But then these different gremlins just sprung up and took their place."

"Different ones?"

"Instead of gremlins telling me that I'm incapable of bonding with another person, now I had ones screaming at me that I was being a fucking creep about you."

"But, Pete, I didn't ever think that you were creepy," I shook my head and squeezed his arm again. "I genuinely had no idea back then that you'd ever think of me like this."

"But the gremlins weren't completely off base this time," Pete frowned. "I mean, before I knew it, I was so obsessed with you, Max. And I really felt like I was becoming some psycho stalker because I wanted to be around you all the time, any flimsy excuse I could think of."

"Dude, it wasn't just you. I did that too. I'd come over to your room or invite you to hang out with me because I loved being around you so much."

"Yeah, but it was more than that for me," Pete shook his head. "Because even when you weren't around, I would..." Pete's cheeks burned bright red again now, and his eyes dropped away from mine. "I would jack off thinking about you."

"You were jackin' off..." I shook my head in amazement, unable to contain the smile I felt stretching across my face. "To me??"

"All the time," Pete nodded and then lifted his eyes back to check the expression on my face.

"It's okay," I said. And because Pete looked so embarrassed right now, I took one of his hands and placed it on top of my dick so he could feel that I was starting to get hard at the thought of him doing this.

Pete squeezed my dick and then grinned at me in relief before he continued: "Yeah, all the time. Even when I was watching porn and trying not to think about you. And that's how I started to realize how bad I had it for you- I'd search and search for videos with a guy that kinda, sorta looked like you `cause that always made me cum so much harder than anything else. And I'm so glad you're not mad about it now, but at the time..." Pete exhaled slowly and squeezed my half-hard dick lightly one more time before moving his hand away. "I felt like I was such a perv for thinking about my straight best friend in that way."

"Pete, you're not a perv. I was feeling that spark with you even back then, too. And, yeah, I didn't know what to make of it at first because it was so different for me, but I was attracted to you. And I felt fucked up too because I never imagined you were feeling the same way about me."

"Well that makes two of us," Pete laughed, but it came out sounding more sad than anything. "I never thought you'd feel like this about me either. I really didn't have any hope back then."

"Really, not at all? I was always so worried that I'd do something that would make you suspect how I was feeling about you."

"Really," Pete nodded. "God, you talked about Juliana all the time, Max. Like I don't think you even realized how much. And then I'd see the way you'd look at girls here, so I one hundred percent believed that there was no way, ever."

I snorted under my breath. "Yeah, that's what I believed about you too."

Pete shook his head as I said that. "And it actually still surprises me to hear you say that. I felt like I was being so obvious about it. And I kept getting more and more paranoid because I felt myself slipping out of control and getting reckless around you."

"Reckless how?"

Pete turned bright red again.

"What?"

"Like the time I stole a pair of your underwear so I could keep it and smell it while I jacked off."

"Wait," I shook my head and felt myself grinning at Pete in disbelief. "You what??"

"Yeah, ... I, umm..." Pete was fumbling for words now, so I rested my hand on top of his thigh to reassure him. "I really like the way you smell, Max. And we were hanging out in your room together one day last fall, but you left me alone at one point to go to the bathroom. And when I saw a pair of your underwear on top of your laundry hamper, I literally couldn't stop myself from picking it up and smelling it."

"And then you kept it?" I smiled.

Pete gulped something down in his throat so slowly I could practically hear it over the sound of the waves. "Smelling you on those got me so hard, I didn't care how fucked up this was. I just stuffed them into my backpack before you got back so I could jack off with them over my face later."

I saw that Pete was about to hang his head down in embarrassment when he finished saying that, so I reached up and caught his chin in my hand. I held Pete's eyes with my own.

"Would it make you feel better if I tell you now that I really, really fuckin' love how you smell too?"

"You do?" Pete grinned.

"Big time," I nodded, and then I bent my head down to rest on Pete's shoulder and inhaled deeply.

"Well, that's good to know now," Pete laughed, and then I felt him kiss the top of my head. "But I really had no clue back then. And because of that, I was so worried you'd find out somehow and that I'd lose you as a friend since I was being such a perv about you." I lifted my head back up to look at Pete as I felt him shaking his head. "And I didn't know what I would do if that ever happened because your friendship was already so important to me."

"It was to me too, Pete. And it still is."

Pete nodded and squeezed my thigh again with the hand he'd kept on it. "So by Thanksgiving, I'd gotten to this breaking point because I felt like I was constantly on the verge of tipping my hand with you. And I was starting to think that it was all those years of being so pent up finally catching up with me." Pete paused and exhaled. "So I decided I needed to do something to release the frustration before I did something completely blatant and everything blew up in my face."

"So what was it that you decided to do?"

"I decided I needed something to distract me from you. And I thought that finally trying something with another guy might be what it was gonna take to clear my head, or to at least give me something else to fixate on besides you."

"You weren't too scared to actually do something anymore?"

Pete shook his head. "You just gotta understand that I was way, way more afraid of messing up our friendship than I was of anything else by that point. I mean, compared to what I thought it would feel like to lose you, trying something with someone else didn't even feel like a real risk anymore."

"It didn't?" I asked, surprised.

"No, not as long as I could try it with somebody far away who wouldn't know me from Adam. So even though I knew it was probably dangerous to try something out with a stranger for all kinds of reasons, I thought it'd still be worth it if it could help to get you outta my head."

"So did you try something then?"

"Well," Pete nodded. "I tried to try something."

"How?"

"I was gonna fly home out of Boston for Thanksgiving, so I went there a night early so I could go to a gay bar there."

"Really? You actually went to one?"

Pete nodded his head. "But, God, I was so fucking nervous that night though. I parked half a mile away from the bar so no one would see my car. And I was literally shaking the whole time as I was walkin' up to it. But..."

"But what?"

"But I also remember what I was thinking as I was walking there. I kept thinking to myself: `This is it.' I was finally gonna do it. I was gonna do something gay." Pete paused and laughed under his breath. "And the truly pathetic thing was I didn't even know what I meant by 'it' at that time. Not really. I just had this picture in my head that I'd get there, and I'd finally walk through that door, and everything would be different. Just like that."

"Like what would be different?"

"Like I'd meet some awesome guy right away that night. And, yeah, we'd hook up. And after that my life would just feel so different because I would've finally tried... I don't know, fucking something with a guy. And that would be enough to help me let go and move on from all my stupid, pointless fanatasies about you that were never gonna go anywhere."

"So did you actually go inside when you got there then?"

Pete nodded but then hung his head, averting my eyes.

"And what was it like?"

"I stood in the corner by myself nursing one beer, and no one spoke to me the whole time," Pete shook his head and looked back up at me. "I was just the weird guy there all by himself with no friends. And as I looked around me, all I could see was a bunch of normal guys who were there to hang out with their friends. And as soon as I saw that this is what it was actually like inside a gay bar, I realized that of course no one would want to go up and talk to the one weird, creepy, sweaty dude who was there all by himself. Because just standing there alone...? God, I'd never felt more weird or lonely in my entire life. It was like the opposite of what I hoped for any time I'd ever dared to imagine doing something like this."

"Which was what?"

A sad smile tugged at the corners of Pete's mouth. "I'd always thought that if I were ever brave enough to take that leap and actually go somewhere gay, then magically it would all be fine after that. Like just getting myself there was the only hard part, and then I'd instantly make some friends who would get me once I was on the other side of it. Or I'd get laid at least, and that would be as hot as it always looked in the porn... But then the reality wasn't anything like that."

"So did you stay for long?"

"No," Pete shook his head. "I bolted out of there after half an hour, tail between my legs and hanging my head in shame for being so stupid and naive."

I squeezed his hand. "Pete, you're not stupid."

"Oh no, I was," Pete laughed. "Like absolutely nothing happened that night, but for weeks afterwards the gremlins had me convinced that I'd somehow run into somebody who was there back on campus, and he'd out me in front of everyone I know." I squeezed Pete's hand in mine again, but I didn't interrupt him before he went on: "And then thinking about the fact that I'd bombed so hard at my big attempt to distract myself from you just made everything I was already worrying about feel so much worse."

"Worse how?"

Pete shook his head. "I kept getting more and more hopeless about you because that one night at the bar killed any illusions I had that I could ever find a simple way to distract myself out of what I was feeling." Pete looked up and met my eyes. "I mean, I honestly would've gone for it if anyone had actually come up to me that night. But I also knew I didn't want my first time to be some anonymous hookup like that. Not really. What I wanted was for it to be with you, Max. So the whole thing made me realize that getting off with some other guy- as big as that would've been for me- it wouldn't actually fix what was bothering me."

"Which was how you were feeling about me?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "And what I thought that said about me, too. I mean, after that night I realized that I'd basically become this walking gay cliche: the virgin closet case who's hopelessly in love with his straight best friend. And, honestly, I felt like that's why I bombed so hard at that bar. Because who would even want that shit? I felt like such a joke."

"Pete, you're not a joke."

"But that is how I felt: like a fool," Pete shook his head. "So I stewed in it over winter break. And then just being apart from you for that long...? God, I missed you so much. I wanted to call you every day, but I didn't because I was afraid that would be too fucking weird."

"I missed you too, Pete," I said, dropping my hand down to his knee.

"But I was desperate though," Pete sighed. "And I knew I had to try something else because I couldn't keep going on like that. So eventually I did think of something else I could try: I went onto one of those gay hookup sites and created a profile for myself. Except..." Pete trailed off and covered his face with his hands. "God, this sounds so bad..."

"What does?"

"Except the profile I made was all fake because I was so worried about someone finding out it was me. So I said I was shorter than I am, that I was two years older, that my eyes were a different color, and then I cropped my face out of all of the pictures I posted. And..." Pete shuddered. "Fuck, I still feel like total garbage for lying like that."

I squeezed his knee but let Pete continue without interruption as he dropped his hands away from his face to look at me again:

"And I really was garbage for being so dishonest. But I also didn't think the lies would matter since I didn't think I'd ever have the stones to actually meet up with anyone. I just did it so I could fucking talk to someone on there."

"So did you end up talking to anyone then?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "It was mostly bullshit and deadends, but then I did kinda hit it off with this one guy. He seemed really clever, and from what he said about himself it sounded like he was in the same boat as me in a lot of ways. Like he was an athlete at another college, although we never said which sports or which schools `cause he wasn't out either."

"But you got to know him though?"

"A little bit, yeah. Like he told me about this straight teammate he had a crush on and how he'd actually had a few hookups with guys already. And then..." Pete trailed off, looking embarrassed. I squeezed his knee again to encourage him to keep going. Pete took a deep breath before he did: "And he flirted with me too, and that was so flattering. And to be honest, it felt really hot actually. To talk to a guy like that. So the whole thing was... well, it was fun in a way that I'd never really experienced before."

"So you liked him?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded his head and looked up at my face to check my expression. "I mean, nothing like how I feel about you. But he did have me curious."

"Did you ever do anything more than talking online then?"

"He kept asking me to meet up with him, and I put him off because I felt so guilty that my profile was essentially a bunch of bullshit. But..."

"But what?"

"But I was so horny and so lonely, and talking to him actually did feel good. So eventually, I was like fuck it, let's do this."

"And you actually met up with him?"

"We agreed to meet at a coffee place in this random town one weekend last spring. Neutral, anonymous territory. And I was nervous as hell because, again, I was thinking this was gonna finally be it. Even though I really didn't know what to expect from it... Like, were we going to talk? Make out? Fuck in the bathroom? Was I gonna get murdered hunting for cock because he was actually some kind of psycho predator? I didn't even know what to think."

"So what did happen then?"

Pete shook his head. "I kept thinking about you the whole way as I was driving there. Like I was so sure I needed to do this for us because that's what it was gonna take to finally get me out of my head about you before I fucked up our friendship."

I squeezed Pete's hand.

"So I got to the place early. And I parked down the street, and I waited. And eventually I saw this guy go in, and I just knew it was him. I'd never seen his face or any pics where he had his clothes on, but he was wearing a jacket in the color he said he would. And he was cute too. And I was relieved that he was actually real and everything, but..."

"But?"

"But I was frozen. I literally couldn't move to get out of the car to go into the place and meet him. I just fucking sat there. And I think maybe I had a panic attack or something `cause I was sweating and hyperventilating and my chest felt all tight, and... And I just fucking sat there."

I squeezed Pete's hand again because it seemed like he was getting agitated just talking about this now.

"Eventually, I saw him come back outside, and even then I still just sat there. For like an hour after he left. And I kept beating myself up for being a pussy and for being such a dick to this poor guy who was probably just as lonely and horny as I was if he'd actually come all that way to meet me."

"Did you ever talk to him again after that?"

"Not really," Pete shook his head. "When I got back that night, I logged in to my profile and there was a message from him: `What the fuck?' That's all it said." A shudder ran through his body. "And I think I cried when I saw that. Maybe because I knew I was being so shitty about the whole thing and maybe because I was realizing again that nothing was ever going to fucking change for me because I'd never have the balls to do anything to make my life any different from what it was."

I hugged Pete and kissed the top of his head again.

Pete shook his head and straightened his posture back up after I did that. "So I replied back to him just saying 'sorry, I couldn't do it.' And then I deleted my account because I was so ashamed. And I still felt like complete shit for jerking him around like that. So about a week later I went back to the site and created a blank profile so I could send him a better apology. But by then, he'd deleted his profile too, and he was just gone. I didn't have his email or phone number. I didn't even know his real name... Nothing. He was gone, and there was no way to clean up what an asshole I'd been."

"So is that one of the things you've been afraid of me knowing?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded and looked up at me, his eyes concerned. "I mean, you gotta admit that's some fucked up shit that I pulled. Lying and then standing someone up like that."

"But, Pete, hearing where you were coming from...? I think I can understand how you got there. And I believe you when you say you feel sorry about it."

"God yes," Pete shook his head. But he still looked worried: "So do you think I'm an asshole for doing all that?"

"No, Pete," I hugged him again. "I think you were lonely and scared. And no one really acts at their best in those kinds of circumstances."

"Well," Pete exhaled a slow breath. "In that case, that's actually part of the reason why I'm telling you about this. Because maybe this will explain some other shit to you now: The day I was supposed to meet up with that guy was just a week before all that shit went down with Juliana and you kissed me the first time."

"Oh shit," I pulled back to look at Pete's face. "Really?"

"Really," Pete nodded. "So when you surprised the hell out of me with that kiss? It happened right when my gremlins were already havin' a field day convincing me that I'm garbage for having been such a dick to that guy."

"Oh shit," I repeated, thinking back to what I thought I'd known about that whole week.

"And I know we went over it back then, so you already know how much I regret freezing up on you and panicking after that kiss, but..." Pete hung his head and sighed. "But I really was just so surprised when you did that."

I snorted under my breath. "I mean, I was too. You know I wasn't, like, planning to do that before it happened."

"I know," Pete nodded. "But then while you were gone the days after that...? I was already so down on myself about how I'd just treated that other guy, and that meant it was easy for the gremlins to make me believe that you kissing me was just something you did because you're a way better person than me. Like, you'd literally just dropped everything to be there for someone you weren't even dating anymore, so of course you'd feel obligated to do that for me if you somehow knew how badly I wanted it."

"But you know I didn't know."

Pete laughed under his breath. "Yeah, but only after you explained that to me. And in the whole conversation after you came back, I couldn't shake how the gremlins had gotten in my head about what a coward I'd been with that guy. So that was another reason why I was so reluctant to give things a shot with you. I felt so sure I was going to mess up with you, too. I mean, at that point I'd completely frozen up and blown it every time I'd ever had a chance to actually do something with a guy, so I had no reason to believe I wouldn't fuck it up with you too." Pete shook his head. "And, God, I wasn't wrong about that."

I put my hand on Pete's arm. "Pete, can I jump in here and say something though?"

"Yeah, of course."

"I'm sorry," I began. But then as soon as he heard that, Pete jerked away from me and shot me daggers with his eyes.

"No, let me finish!" I went on before he could interrupt. "I get that `sorry' isn't what you wanna hear from me today, and I promise I was listening to you before. So this isn't about me being selfish and making everything my fault."

"Okay, then what are you sorry for?" Pete asked begrudgingly.

"I chased you down that day. I talked you into giving us a shot. And then..." I hung my head. "Then I freaked out. And I've never told you why."

"But I think I can guess why."

"Maybe, but you shouldn't have to just guess, Pete. I should've talked to you about what was going on. I should've fuckin' let you understand me too. But instead, I shut down. And I know now that it was a mistake, and I'm sorry for that. I..." I shook my head. "I don't want to make any excuses for myself either, and I want to take responsibility for what I did that hurt you. Because there was this point even when I consciously decided that I wasn't ever gonna talk to you about what was going on with me."

Pete kept his eyes steady on mine now as he swallowed down something in his throat before asking me: "So what was going on with you then?"

"I had these gremlins of my own ambushing me," I sighed. "And they were about what I was figuring out about myself, not about you. But I was so fucking frustrated that I'd even have gremlins about this shit in the first place `cause I wanted to be better than that. I wanted to push all my gremlins down or fast forward through them because the rational part of me just wanted to be okay with what I was figuring out about myself. And so I kept trying and trying to find a way to make myself not feel these gremlins I kept having."

Pete winced as I said that. "Max, you can't make yourself feel anything. And you can't make yourself not feel something either. Trust me."

"And I think I've learned that the hard way now," I nodded. "But that decision I made to deliberately keep shit from you? I am sorry for it. And I'm sorry for what that did to us. Because I've missed this between us too, Pete, feeling close to you." I squeezed his arm. "And I felt so guilty for ruining something that had been important for you too."

"But don't be so hard on yourself, Max. You didn't ruin everything."

"But I could tell that I was letting you down and confusing you as it was all happening. And that guilt just made me spiral more and more because I felt like I was completely blowing it. And..." I exhaled a long breath to release the pressure I felt building in my chest now. "And it sucks that you're the one this happened with, but I've never fucked up this badly in any relationship I've had. So I guess I didn't know what that would do to me- the guilt of knowing that I was failing at something that's so important to me."

"You didn't fail, Max," Pete said quietly.

"But that's how it felt," I shook my head. "And I haven't ever failed at much of anything in my life before this, so I didn't know how to react to feeling like I was messing up. And, yeah, it seems obvious now that all I needed to do to get myself out of it was just to be real with you and not hide what was actually going on with me. But I haven't ever had to admit that I was struggling before either. Or at least not out loud and in front of another guy anyway."

Something twitched on Pete's face as I said that last part. And then his eyes dropped away from mine when he spoke: "So be honest with me then: Does me being a guy still make a difference for you?"

I sighed as I thought about the honest response to that. "I hate that this is the answer, but yes."

Pete looked back up at me with a worried expression when I admitted that, so I pressed on before he could jump to any conclusions about what I meant. "But not in the way that you're probably thinking right now."

"Then how?"

"I think you've made me realize I do have this hangup that I need to work on about how I relate to other guys."

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head in frustration with myself. "It's bullshit that it feels so awkward for me to talk to you- or to other guys- in a way that's real and not just buried in jokes and deflection and bullshit all the time." I squeezed his knee. "Pete, you've made me wonder why it is that I never thought that guys could talk to each other like this before now. Because I hate to say it, but it does feel different- and harder- for me to open up with another guy about stuff that's not just superficial."

Pete covered the hand I had on his knee with one of his when I paused for a moment, but he didn't interrupt before I continued:

"So I guess my point is you've made me realize that my real gremlin I need to kill is whatever it is that keeps me from being able to be open like this with other guys," I shook my head. "Because, fuck, I appreciate you still being here after everything and all the patience that's probably taken from you. But it shouldn't have needed this much patience. And it's not gonna be your job to kill this gremlin for me either. It's mine, and I have to do it so it doesn't keep tripping me up."

Pete just smiled at me after hearing that. Then he reached up his hand in a fist so we could do our evil twin fist bump, and that symbol of our friendship made me grin right back at Pete in relief now.

"To killing our gremlins," he said.

"To killing our gremlins." I smiled even bigger.

"Are you good?" Pete asked. "Is this okay?"

I took in a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. This is really good actually."

"Good," Pete leaned in and kissed me quickly.

"Can I ask you something now?" I said after that kiss.

"Anything," Pete replied.

"So remember when you told me that you wanted me to go and have fun over the summer and not give anything up for you...?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "I remember."

"Was that just you telling me what you thought I wanted to hear?"

"Yes," Pete sighed. "But also no. I actually meant what I said too."

I felt my eyebrows wrinkling in confusion. "I don't get it."

"So just try to remember where we actually were at the point that I told you that," Pete began.

"Okay," I nodded.

"We'd made out and given each other a few hand jobs, and it seemed like you were freaking out about it. I mean, even though you never talked to me, I could still tell that you were struggling with something."

"Again," I shook my head. "I'm sorry I wasn't up front with you about that back then."

Pete squeezed my knee and then went on: "So part of the point in what I want you to understand today is how fuckin' huge even doing just that felt for me though. I mean, it'd been years by then. Years of having the biggest taboo in my life be crossing that line and actually doing something with another guy. And then, after we met, especially doing something with you in particular."

"Okay," I nodded again.

Pete looked out at the water and was quiet for a few beats before he continued: "So I guess now try to think back to when you were a kid," he said, turning back to meet my eyes again. "And think about the thing you were most scared of, like the biggest, scariest monster your imagination could create..."

"Uh huh..."

"And now, whatever that scary monster was for you, imagine the monster was also the exact same thing as whatever you desired the most. Like something you wanted so bad that you could never stop thinking about it because it felt so good when you did that." Pete exhaled a slow breath. "So try to imagine that what could make you feel the best and what scared you the most were the exact same thing. And then imagine that all of a sudden, one day out of nowhere, that monster you'd always thought was at least off in some far away place where it could never actually get to you... Imagine that the monster suddenly came out from under the bed and was staring you right in the face because it turned out to be real."

"So I'm like a fucking monster to you??" I shook my head. "Shit."

"No," Pete smiled. "I'm just trying to help you understand how much I'd built this all up in my head before something happened with you. Because I really had. And it's true: I wanted it so fucking bad with you, but I was also so fucking scared of it."

"Shit," I repeated, nodding my head.

"So what I'm trying to explain is the way I felt about you before we got started was always like the worst possible mind fuck my gremlins could ever create. And so if somehow, by some miracle, it ever actually happened for me... if I ever got to even touch you...? Fuck, I honestly thought I'd burst into flames that very second."

"So then how did it feel for you when it actually did happen?" I asked, squeezing his knee with my hand.

"God, I was right actually," Pete laughed under his breath. "I... I went kinda nuts. Like this dam inside me had burst, and I couldn't hold back the flood anymore. I didn't even want to. I just... I couldn't not have that anymore, what it felt like to touch you and to kiss you and to be with you. I needed it, Max. And it scared me how much I needed it `cause I'd never actually needed anything that badly before..." he shook his head. "And that meant I would've done anything to not have that slip away because it felt so fucking good."

I slid my hand up to Pete's thigh and squeezed it. "Well I can relate to that part at least, Pete. It felt so fucking good for me too, and I didn't ever want it to stop."

Pete sighed. "But I didn't know that. I didn't know that you felt that way too because there were all these signs that there was something about what we were doing that was freaking you out. So as we were about to leave for the summer...? Fuck, I knew I didn't want things to just fizzle out between us, but I was also trying my hardest to be objective about this for once."

"Objective how?"

"Like I didn't think it was fair to ask you to put everything on hold just for me when we wouldn't even get to talk to each other for months. Not when it was so new and not when I could tell that there was something about it that maybe you weren't comfortable with."

"But if that is what you wanted, Pete- if you wanted us to be serious- then you didn't have to tell me what you did."

"But I was worried about how hard it seemed like all this was on you," Pete shook his head. "And I was worried that there was so much that you weren't telling me. So I worried that you were gonna start feeling trapped in this and start to resent me for it."

"But I never resented you for anything, Pete."

"But I did feel guilty about what I suspected you were going through though. And I figured the last thing that would help you to work through whatever it was would be if you felt burdened with all these pressures and expectations from me."

"I didn't feel burdened, Pete. Not at all."

"But I didn't know that either," Pete shook his head. "And to be completely honest, what scared me the most was that sooner or later, you'd come across a girl, and you'd want to be with her instead of me," Pete dropped his eyes down to the sand by his feet. "And if that's what was gonna happen someday, I didn't want to prolong the inevitable if it was just gonna mean you would've gotten to the point of resenting me by the time we broke up. Because for you I know the possibility of clicking with some girl is real too. And I know that if that did happen for you, then it would always be so much easier for you to go with that 'cause you could do it out in the open without all these gremlins. And it wouldn't even have to hurt at all."

"No, dude," I said, reaching out and tilting Pete's chin up so he was looking at me again. "That wouldn't be easy. And I can say this for absolute certain now after the last few months: What's hard, and what really fucking hurts, was ever trying to act like I don't love you."

"Shit," Pete gulped. "Well, I know how that feels."

"And it sucks, right?

Pete squeezed my hand in response.

"So does this mean that what you said that day before summer was just about you not wanting me to resent you?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "And that part of it really was sincere. And still is."

"But is that all of it?" I asked, sensing that there was still more.

Pete looked conflicted and didn't respond right away. So I nudged him with my shoulder and pressed him: "Remember, you said you wanted to be up front with me about what you're actually feeling and not just what you think I wanna hear. So tell me. It's okay."

Pete looked at the water for a few seconds and then exhaled a long breath. "I mean, what could I have said to you that day, Max?" Pete began as he turned back to face me. "That those last few days before summer were quite literally the best thing that had ever happened to me? And there's not even much competition?" Pete groaned and then dropped his eyes to the sand. "It just sounds so needy and so pathetic. And I still feel like a weird psychopath even saying it out loud now. I mean, we'd given each other a few handjobs at that point, Max... Literally billions of people on the planet have done that. It's not, like objectively and in the scheme of things, a big deal." Pete lifted his head to meet my eyes again now. "But it was fucking everything to me. And I would've sold out literally everything and everyone to have that with you again."

I put my hand on Pete's arm now, but I let him keep talking:

"But I could imagine how something like that would've sounded to you if I'd said that just a couple weeks into us trying things out. So I was trying to keep my head straight about this shit. And when I did that, I didn't think that it would be right for me to expect that any of this would feel the same for you. And even now I don't expect that just because this was all so built up and so huge for me that it means you should have to give up everything else you might ever want for me."

"You don't?"

Pete looked down at his lap now, but I still caught a glimpse of the pained expression on his face before he did.

"It's okay, Pete. Talk to me."

"It's just I'm worried about what this all sounds like..."

"What do you mean, 'this?'"

"That it's only ever been you for me."

"Dude, what are you worried about that sounding like?"

Pete looked back up at me. "Like I'm just repressed or immature and only fixated on you because you're my first for basically everything. And I don't want the fact that it's still only been you for me to sound like it's so much pressure on you to make this all work out. Because, rationally, I know that hardly ever happens with people's first loves, right? I mean, if that's how things worked out for you, then you'd still be with Juliana `cause I know that what you felt with her was real."

I gulped and nodded at Pete in response.

"But, I don't know," Pete continued. "I'm being honest here when I tell you that my eye hasn't wandered off to anyone else since we got started. And, yeah, there was that night in Boston or that other guy online, but that was because I didn't have any hope with you. And that was always way more about me trying to fight what I thought it wasn't right for me to feel about you than it ever was about me actually wanting some other guy." Pete picked up my hand again and held it in his. "So maybe this does make me weird, but it's you that I want, Max. Just you. But I don't want you to feel trapped by that or that I'm like these shackles holding you back if there's still stuff you need to do to explore and figure things out about yourself. So that's why I meant what I said to you that day: I don't want to chain you up or keep you stuck in something that limits you from other things you want to do."

I squeezed Pete's hand. I was quiet for a few beats, considering how to respond to that before I spoke:

"Pete, if there's anything I've figured out for sure this year, it's this: There's no being happy for me if I feel like you and I aren't right. And maybe that's not always gonna mean exactly what it means for us right now. But I'm so thankful for you talking to me like you have today because it has helped me to understand you better. And I love you. And I want you to know that and to know that I want you to be happy so fucking much." I paused and leaned my shoulder into Pete's now. "And I hope that I can keep doing things that contribute to you being happy, but I don't want to ever be like these shackles on you either."

"Okay," Pete smiled at me.

"And I want you to know that I heard you when you said there are things that need to change between us. And I feel like today has been a start, so I want you to know that I appreciate it because I want to change with you. I want to work on the stuff I need to change, and I want to give you the space or the kick in the ass or whatever else you need to change the things that you need to do too. I'm here, Pete. But I also understand that right here isn't where we can be forever, so what I really want is to go from here with you."

"And I do too," Pete nodded, and then he leaned in and kissed me.

"So, thank you for helping me to understand where you were coming from when you told me that before we left for the summer. I think I do get it now." I took a deep breath. "And so is it okay if now I tell you the shit you don't know about my summer yet?"

"Yeah," Pete smiled and put his hand back on my knee. "Go ahead."

"And I could fuckin' kick myself right now `cause I really was planning to talk to you about all of this that night you arrived- including telling you that I love you- but-..."

"...- Oh shit," Pete said under his breath. "Then I really fucked up that night, didn't I?"

I shook my head. "I'm gonna ask you about that in a minute. But just let me tell you this stuff first."

Pete nodded.

"I told Tom about us."

"Oh shit," Pete said again, his eyes going wide. "How did it go?"

I laughed. "This probably won't be a surprise to you, but I was kind of a dick about it. Tom's been so cool though."

"Really?" Pete asked, the worry on his face breaking into relief.

"Yeah," I nodded. "He's always been like your biggest fan. Tom probably thinks of you as a huge upgrade in the big brother department."

Pete smiled. "I always thought he was cool too."

"But are you mad that I told him?"

Pete looked out at the water again for a few seconds as he thought about that before he responded: "No, I... I know it's a lot to keep everything between us. And, believe me, I wish I didn't have to force that onto you. So if you've got someone who knows, who you can talk to..." Pete turned and looked back at me. "Then I'm happy for you. I know what it's like to be alone in this, and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. Least of all you."

"Yeah," I nodded. "But I didn't even ask your permission first, and then I just outed you to someone. I've felt like such a dick about that."

"So when did you tell him?"

"Back at the beginning of the summer. And it was like this impulse thing that I really didn't think about before I did it," I said before dropping my eyes down to my lap and shaking my head. "I mean, if I'd thought it through, I probably would've chickened out. Or at least had the sense to wait until I could talk to you about it first."

I picked my head back up to look at Pete and check his expression. Thankfully, he didn't look mad though. "And to be clear, Tom knows that I love you and that we've been hooking up, but I don't actually talk to him about it a lot. He tries to get me to, but... I don't know... My fucking gremlins I still need to kill, I guess. And I haven't wanted to drag Tom on my entire head trip of bi panic and moping around about how I thought I'd blown things with you while he needs to be focused on starting out in college. So I do have someone who knows, but not actually someone that I really talk to. And that's really just on me `cause I'm sure Tom would listen and try to be there for me if I'd ever let him."

"And he hasn't ever told anyone else, right?"

"No," I shook my head. "I made him promise not to. Including our parents. And that's been... Ughh, something else I feel shitty about since I basically dumped this giant secret on Tom and then asked him to keep it locked down."

Pete was quiet for a few beats, but I could tell he was looking for how to say something before he did:

"Max, I'm so sorry that we can't..." Pete started before trailing off. "But with my dad and everything... I just can't trust him to not do something fucking terrible to you if he knew."

"And I get that," I nodded. "Even more so now with all the other shit you've told me today. But I don't blame you for that, Pete. And I understand that keeping things to ourselves comes with the territory for now at least."

"I'm sorry," Pete said, squeezing my knee with his hand again. "I know it's a lot."

"Yeah, but the good shit that I feel with you is so much more. So don't worry about me. I know what I'm signing up for, and it's a choice I'm making because I want to be here."

"But what about Tom though?" Pete shook his head. "He didn't sign up for this shit if he's been keeping this under wraps in your family for you."

"Well," I laughed under my breath. "He did go on this campaign over the summer to get me to just tell our parents too. But he's become friends with some gay people he's met at his college this year, and I think that's mellowed him out some and made him see things in a different way now. He's kinda gotten off my back about it lately."

"But do you want to tell your parents though?" Pete asked, studying my face.

I sighed, thinking about how to answer that. "To be honest, I'm conflicted about it. I mean, I don't like feeling like I'm keeping something so big from them. Especially not when it's something that makes me so happy now." I paused and put my hand on Pete's arm. "But I also don't know if I'm actually ready to find out what's on the other side of them knowing."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because with my parents, I really do havta wonder what they'll think. Like I know you know exactly what your dad would think if he ever knew, but I can only guess with mine."

Pete nodded and was quiet for a minute before he spoke. "Well if you ever change your mind and you do start to feel like you want to tell them, you can. I don't ever wanna become this wedge between you and your family."

"Thank you," I nodded. "But, uhh, don't hold your breath on that."

Pete looked down at his lap again now. "I do mean it though. If you ever want to go there with them some day, I'll be here for you. But,... umm..."

"Say it," I insisted when Pete trailed off, squeezing his arm.

"I'm not ready to do that with anyone back at school, Max. I'm too worried it'd get back to my dad somehow. And I hate to have to ask you this but-..."

"-... Stop." I interrupted, and then I waited for Pete to look at me again. "I told you. I don't blame you for that. And as nice as it might be to have some of our friends know..." I shook my head. "I think I'd be lying if I said I was completely ready for that today. Someday, maybe. But for now at least you're not keeping me from anything I'm ready to do."

"But will you promise me something though?" Pete's brow wrinkled in concern.

"What?"

"If that ever changes for you... If you do start to feel ready or like you're constricted by keeping this to ourselves, will you talk to me about it instead of keeping it bottled up?"

"Okay," I nodded. "I promise."

"Thank you," Pete smiled and squeezed my knee again.

"I mean,..." I started and then laughed under my breath. "I hope after all of this that I've actually learned my lesson about not telling you what's on my mind. Because... Fuck, if I'd only just told you everything I wanted to that night in Las Cruces, then these last few months would've been so different."

Pete winced. "But then I fucked up by lying to you."

"I fucked up too," I shook my head. "I mean, I still could've told you then how serious I am about you. And it wasn't just that I wanted to tell you that I loved you, either. I wanted to explain to you about Marissa."

"What about her?"

"I wanted you to know that hooking up with her wasn't something that I intentionally sought out. But it did happen, and in the end it really just clarified for me even more how I feel about you."

"It did?" Pete looked at me in relief.

"Yeah, things with Marissa were fun, but we did keep it from being anything serious. Both of us, actually. And feeling like I was just messing around with her made it so clear to me how serious I am about you and that being serious is something I'm actually ready for." I paused and exhaled a long breath before I resumed: "Fuck, Pete, I missed you so much over the summer. It killed me to not be able to talk to you, and I thought about you all the time. I jerked off thinking about you..."

Pete raised an eyebrow at that part and smiled.

"Really," I reached down and squeezed his thigh and grinned back at him. "And, dense as I am, that helped me to really understand that I am bi. Like, I can say without any doubt now that how I feel about you isn't some fluke. This is who I am too, and this is what I want. And maybe if things hadn't happened with Marissa, I would've wondered at some point about whether I'd meet some girl someday who'd make this all fade away for me. But I know now that it's not ever gonna go away."

"So being with her didn't change how you feel about me?"

"No, Pete," I shook my head. "It just pulled my head out of my ass and helped me to actually see how I feel about you."

Pete smiled and then leaned over to kiss me again.

After that, I took a deep breath before asking Pete my next question: "So am I right to think that what you said about us being friends with benefits was really just you saying what you thought I wanted to hear?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "It was that bad habit getting the best of me. Because the second you told me about Marissa that night, the gremlins jumped right in and screamed at me that I'd been such a fool for thinking all summer that you would..." Pete trailed off.

"What?"

"It's just that over the summer..." Pete shook his head. "I actually let myself get my hopes up about everything 'cause I spent the entire time thinking that when you gave me that blowjob- just the fact that you actually went there- that it meant you'd had this huge breakthrough and weren't freaked out about us anymore."

"But that's exactly what I was trying to show you when I did that," I said, squeezing his knee. "I wanted to do something to show you that I really was in this with you and that I wanted it just as much as you did."

"Well then it worked," Pete nodded. "Because that's exactly what it made me think. So during those months out in the Bob without getting to talk to you...? That's what I was focused on. And I actually started to let myself believe that things were gonna work out for us this year." Pete stopped and sighed. "But then when you told me about Marissa that night, I panicked. And because it's always so easy for the gremlins to hijack me when I get like that, I jumped straight to the assumption that you were just letting me down easy and you were only trying to be a nice guy about it since you seemed so nervous."

"But that's not what I was trying to do. At all."

Pete hung his head and stared down at the sand by his feet. "I shouldn't have lied. And I should've just let you talk, but the gremlins made me feel foolish and embarrassed for having let myself get my hopes up over the summer." Pete looked back up at me now. "So I wanted to save face, and what I said was me trying to hang on to some piece of what we had because I couldn't even imagine having to let you go completely. And I know now that it was a mistake, and I'm sorry that I hurt you by doing that."

"But now I understand how you got there, Pete," I said, and then I put my arm around him and hugged him. "And I want us to get past it."

"I do too," Pete nodded. "Like, never again."

"Never," I agreed.

"And there is just one last big thing I want to say to you today then-..."

"...-But can I tell you something else first though?" I interrupted, wanting to rip off another bandaid. "Something I did after your visit that I haven't told you yet?"

"Okay," Pete said.

"Do you remember meeting one of my friends in Las Cruces? Matteo?"

"The baseball player, right?" Pete nodded. "What about him?"

I gulped down a lump I felt forming in my throat and pushed myself to go on and do this: "We spent a lot of time together over the summer since we worked together, and Matteo and I got to be pretty good friends... Or good guy friends, anyway. So it was mostly hanging out together and ripping on each other and shit. Nothing that ever seemed unusual, except that it was fun and it felt like we gelled pretty quick."

"And...?" Pete asked, probably wondering why I was bringing up Matteo now.

"And..." I breathed out as I could feel my pulse starting to pick up along with my nerves. "Shit."

"Max, whatever it is, just tell me." Pete said, his brow wrinkling in concern and reaching for my hand.

"And after your visit was over in those last few days at home, I was feeling so hurt and so mad about what you said about us just being friends with benefits. So I..." I trailed off as I considered how to describe this.

"What happened?" Pete asked when I went quiet, and I noticed now that there was a look of recognition starting to creep over his face.

"I went to hang out with Matteo at his house one afternoon to say goodbye. And I hoped that just being around a friend would distract me some from how upset I was." Pete squeezed my hand then, but he let me keep talking: "I mean, after you left, I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd completely misread everything and blown it with you. So Matteo and I were just hanging out like normal, but then..." I fought the urge to look away from Pete's eyes right now. I knew I had to face up to this. "Then it came out of nowhere and caught me completely off guard, but Matteo made a move on me. And I went for it."

Pete's eyes widened when I said that, but he didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry!" I blurted out. "I swear I didn't see it coming. At all. Like before that day, I never thought Matteo was into guys at all- least of all me- `cause he's actually Marissa's ex. And I swear I'd never looked at him or thought about him in that way before that afternoon. So I didn't plan it, Pete, and I didn't initiate it. I was blindsided by it, and I really was so upset about what'd just happened with you that I wasn't thinking straight, and so I... I did it."

"Did what?" Pete asked, finding his voice again. "What did you guys do?"

I could feel the heat flushing in my cheeks now, so I breathed out and pressed on. "He jerked me off and sucked my dick until we both came. And then..." I gulped down the lump in my throat. "And then as soon as that happened, Matteo freaked the fuck out about it and basically threw me out of his house."

Pete nodded slowly. "Okay," he said simply, and then he turned his eyes away from my face and back out to look at the water.

I let a couple of minutes of loaded silence go by as Pete processed this before I couldn't stand it any longer.

I put my hand on his arm. And at least he didn't pull it away. "Talk to me, Pete. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner. But I'm... I'm sorry."

Pete turned his head to look at me. And much to my relief, he didn't look completely pissed.

"I... I don't know what to say. I'm just surprised."

"Just say whatever you're thinking. I can take it if you're upset with me. I just can't take not knowing. But if you need some more time to think about it, that's okay too."

Pete shook his head slowly. And then the corners of his mouth ticked up in a slight smile as he laughed under his breath. "Actually, I'm not surprised about Matteo. I remember I kinda got a vibe about him when I met him and saw how he looked at you. So I guess I'm only surprised that you actually went for it."

"I'm sorry, Pete. I hope you're not hurt that I... that I did that."

"No," Pete shook his head slowly, but I could tell that he was still thinking his way through this. "I actually think I'm relieved more than anything."

"Relieved?" I asked, surprised. "Why?"

Pete exhaled a long breath before he spoke. "Because for all this time since we got started, there's been this part of me that thinks about the fact that I've been the only guy that you ever wanted..." Pete trailed off for a moment, but I didn't want to say anything to interrupt or derial him. So after a few more seconds, Pete went on: "And when I think about that, there's this gremlin that whispers in my ear that somehow I did this to you. I made you this way. I brought all these complications and problems into your life that you could've just avoided if you'd never met me. And so I've been worried that I've fucked up your life. But if you... If you could go there with Matteo too, then as fucked up as this maybe sounds, it makes me feel better about some shit I've blamed myself for in the back of my mind, even if you never did. So I guess I'm relieved because this makes it easier for me to let go of that guilt and believe that this is who you are and not something that I just put on you."

"Never," I shook my head. "Pete, I never blamed you or thought of it like that, so I don't want you to either. You didn't make me into anything that wasn't already there. You just helped me to see it. And that's a good thing. So don't beat yourself up for that."

Pete nodded when I squeezed his arm again.

"But, uhhh, in case hearing this makes you worried about this shit, I want you to know that I did get tested for everything at the health center once I got back to campus. I mean, I was always safe with Marissa, and Matteo and I didn't do anything that risky. But I wanted to be sure I was negative for everything `cause it seemed like that was one of the things that was bothering Matteo when he freaked out on me."

"What do you mean it was bothering him?"

"Like I, uhh," I felt my cheeks turning red again as I answered this. "I did cum when he had me in his mouth. But he spat it out right away, and then he wanted to know if I'd ever done something with a guy before." I burned even brighter red with shame as I thought about this next part. "And I panicked in the moment and lied to him. I said that I hadn't, and I've felt so fucking guilty for that lie ever since then because..." I shook my head. "Because, fuck, seeing Matteo freak the way that he did, it made me understand how I'd probably made you feel all those times when I freaked out about what we were doing."

"Max, it's okay," Pete said, putting his arm around me to hug me. "I don't blame you for having felt that way sometimes. I mean, we were trying out shit you'd never done before. You couldn't have known how it would actually make you feel until it happened."

"God, but that feeling of watching someone go through that though?" I said, turning to look at Pete's eyes again. "It's fucking awful, and I'm so sorry that I ever made you feel like you had done something that freaked me out. And any guilt you ever felt about that? I want you to know that it was really just my own shit, my gremlins, and nothing wrong that you ever did."

"But I get that now, Max." Pete nodded. "And, yes, it hurt at the time, but mostly because you wouldn't talk to me about it. But I think I can understand what was making you do that. And I think I can probably understand why Matteo flipped out on you after what you did together too."

"You can?"

"I mean," Pete shook his head. "I should say I have a guess. But did you two ever talk about it after it happened?"

"No," I shook my head. "I tried to call him, but he'd never pick up. So then I left him these voicemails and wrote to him apologizing for what I'd done and trying to check on him, but... nothing. He's never talked to me again since he kicked me out that day, so all I have are guesses about why or what he was thinking too."

Pete squeezed my arm. "So do you want to hear my theory then?"

I nodded.

"He's got talent- like maybe a legit shot at the pros- right?" I nodded again. "Well, try to name one openly gay MLB player..."

"None, right?"

"Nope," Pete shook his head. "But there's probably a thousand athletes like me in the closet out there. And, like I said, I did kinda get a vibe from him when we met, so I think probably like Matteo too."

"You think?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "But it was subtle. Like, I think only someone like me who's also been in the closet for years would ever pick up on anything with him. So it tracks that you were oblivious and didn't see anything coming before it happened 'cause you don't have gaydar for shit. And it also tracks that he'd be interested in you because... well, because you're hot. But you're a good guy, too, and also kinda outside of his regular world there. So if things went south, maybe he figured you weren't the kinda guy who'd bash him or make shit awkward around his other friends. I mean, you were about to leave Las Cruces when he made his move, right?"

I nodded.

"So for him, maybe you felt somewhat safer in the same way that night in Boston or that guy online felt safer for me: You were removed enough from his world that it could seem less risky to give things a shot with you."

"Huh," I nodded. "I mean, we both knew that afternoon was gonna be the last time we saw each other."

"Right," Pete said. "And I guess who knows if that was his first time or if he'd maybe done something before you. But, to be honest, it wouldn't really surprise me either way. Maybe him freaking out was because he was trying something totally new. Or maybe him freaking out was all about feeling like he has to stay in the closet to keep his shot at the pros."

"Or maybe some of both?"

"Maybe," Pete agreed. "And, like, I don't really know the guy, and I wasn't there to see it, but I feel for him."

"You do?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "With all my gremlins and how scared I still am about anyone finding out about me...? Shit, if I'd actually done something in Boston or with that guy from the hookup site, I'm sure I would've freaked out after it happened too. Because as much as keeping it all in the closet sucks, it can also feel comfortable since it makes you think the secret is totally in your control. But going there and doing something with someone else automatically means you're lettin' go of some of that control `cause now there's at least one other person out there who knows and has something over you if they ever wanted to use it."

"Yeah," I nodded. "I mean, it did seem like he was scared about that. He made me swear up and down that I wouldn't tell anyone." I flushed as I thought about that now, and then I added quickly: "So, uhh, this stays between us, okay?"

"Seriously, who am I gonna tell?" Pete laughed. "I'd never do that to anyone. And I really do get it if this was all about him being scared. Fear is a brain killer for sure. And, honestly, I don't know if I would've handled it any better if I'd ever gone there with some stranger or anyone I felt less close to than I do with you. Because, really, things can feel so different after you cum..." He laughed under his breath again. "I mean, shit, I know that from all the times I'd pray for forgiveness after I jacked off growing up."

I nodded in agreement to that, but then I fell quiet as I thought about Pete's explanation of what might be behind how things happened with Matteo.

"So I know you weren't there," I said finally. "But I think your guess is as good as anything I've ever come up with. And if you're on the right track, then I really wish he would've actually picked up the phone one of those times and talked to me. I wouldn't want him to be alone in feeling like that, and I don't know if he's got anyone else to talk to like we've been now."

Pete placed his hand on mine again. "It's probably good that you reached out to him then. Maybe just the fact that you even tried helped in some ways. But this is one of those things you shouldn't be making into your responsibility, Max- especially if he's not in a place to hear anyone about this. Maybe someday he will be, but that's not up to you 'cause whatever he's going through probably isn't about you. So you did what you could, and I hope you're not beatin' yourself up for not doing more than what's even possible for you to do."

I shook my head and smiled sheepishly at Pete: "Okay, busted again."

Pete grinned and nudged me. "I'm gonna keep telling you to quit that selfish shit until you actually do."

"Thank you," I smiled. And then I remembered: "Hey, you said there was one other thing you wanted to tell me, right? What was it?"

"Yeah," Pete nodded. "And I know today's not supposed to be about endless apologies, but there is one more big one that I need to make."

"For what?"

"It's not just the lie that I told you in New Mexico that I want to apologize for," Pete shook his head. "It's also what I've done since then too. Or what I haven't done, really."

"What are you talking about?"

"I could tell that something's been eating at you this semester, Max. I could tell that you've been upset and spiraling and that it was probably over something big. But I never asked you why." Pete exhaled slowly and squeezed my hand. "And I could have done that. I should have done that. But I never did. And I didn't because I was too scared of what you might say if I ever asked you."

"What were you scared of?"

"That it was something to do with me," Pete replied, meeting my eyes again. "That it was something about what we've been doing that was weighing on you. And I kept thinking these last few months that I'd somehow done this to you or that I'd put all these gremlins in your head that wouldn't be there if not for me..." I squeezed Pete's hand now, but he went on: "And I knew you were hurting, but I never asked you about it because I was too afraid that the answers might lead you to deciding that you needed to stop with me." Pete let out another long breath. "And I didn't want to not have you, Max. I didn't want to go backwards. So I never brought it up or tried to help you, and..." Pete almost dropped his head to look away from me now, but I nudged him with my shoulder and stopped him so his eyes stayed on mine as he continued: "And I fucking hate what that says about me, about how weak and how selfish I am."

"What do you mean?"

"I put what I wanted above doing something that might've been good for you," Pete shook his head. "And I'm so sorry, Max. If I'd had the balls to say something sooner, like months ago, then maybe things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But I just... I couldn't give this up. Because letting you go...? God, it would just fucking wreck me. So I gave into my fear that maybe that would happen if I ever said anything rather than being strong enough to do what an actual friend would've done for you. And I'm so sorry."

Pete exhaled slowly one more time after he said that, and I took that as my signal that he'd finished getting what he thought he needed to off of his chest. Pete looked downcast again, so I wrapped my arm around him now and hugged him tight against me for a minute before I replied:

"Pete, I don't want you to beat yourself up about that anymore. I get it. And I get it `cause that's basically what I've done with you too. There were so many times when I wouldn't ask you the things I should have about how you were feeling because I was scared the answers might lead to something that took us apart too. So, fuck, it is a mistake. But it's one that I've made too, and I'm not mad at you for falling into the same trap I have. But what I hope is that now, after all of this today, we've both learned our lesson about this."

"God yes," Pete nodded, pulling back to look at my face again.

"Good," I smiled. "Because I really fuckin' meant what I said earlier: There's no being happy for me if you and I aren't right. And I don't say that to put pressure on you either. I say that because I want you to know how seriously I take this. And that means I'm not gonna do anything- anything- that might fuck this up. But I'm also gonna do the hard stuff too, like remembering all the shit you've been right to call me out on. And I promise I'm gonna be real with you from now on about how I'm feeling."

"Good," Pete grinned. "And me too."

I kissed Pete again now, a longer and slower one than all the others we'd done on this beach that had been signals of comfort and reassurance more than anything else.

"So that was it?" I asked Pete after we were done. "No more big bandaids to rip off?"

Pete laughed. "I think that was enough for one day... Unless there's somethin' else you want to ask me?"

I thought about that for a minute and then just shook my head. "Not a question exactly, but..."

"What?"

"I just keep wondering how did I get so fucking lucky that I'm the one you'd notice? And then when I think about all the shit I've pulled on you..." I shook my head. "How the hell are you not sick of me already? I mean, I'm tired of my shit, so why aren't you?"

Pete just laughed at that- a real, genuine Pete laugh with some of the levity that had been gone between us for too long. "Must be your hot ass and big dick," he rolled his eyes. "That'll get you everywhere."

"Oh yeah," I smiled at this more playful tone from Pete and kicked some sand onto his feet with one of mine. "So I'm just like a piece of meat to you?"

"Nah, hardly," Pete flicked my feet with some sand too. "I'm just starting to get used to saying the sappy stuff out loud."

"But it's cool, though, to hear it," I replied after a beat. "I mean, it is still kinda weird to get to drop the tough guy act with another guy, but... But I like it. And it hits different, coming from you, Pete. Like it's not sappy at all because I... I believe it."

"Good," Pete's smile stretched even wider. "`Cause I don't wanna stop."

"Whew," I made a show of wiping my brow in relief. "You mean I don't have to grunt or say something cartoonishly manly right now?"

"Nah," Pete laughed. "I like this. And it is cool, dropping the front. But for the record, I don't love you because you're tough and stubborn and strong. I love you because you're more than that. You're caring and sincere and giving to people, even when you don't need anything from them. And that's like the manliest shit ever... The kinda shit that makes you a good man, Max- not any of that tough guy bullshit. Because it's this..." Pete said, leaning in and tapping me on my chest over my heart. "This that makes me gay as fuck for you. I love you for how much you always care."

I felt myself blush at that, and I still couldn't quite resist the impulse to make a joke: "So it's not for my `nice ass and big dick' then?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong," Pete rolled his eyes again. "I love your ass and your dick too."

"Yeah, and, umm, likewise," I said, reaching down and placing my hand in Pete's lap over his dick. I squeezed it through his jeans and felt that he was starting to get hard, so I left my hand there as I thought of something else:

"So, actually, I guess I do have one last question for you."

"Go ahead then," Pete nodded.

"So, I love you," I began. Pete squeezed my knee but didn't interrupt me. "And I love everything we've done together when we fool around..." I could feel Pete's dick getting fully hard under my hand now, so I squeezed it again lightly.

"Go on..." Pete smiled, and he lifted his hips up a bit to push his dick against my hand.

"But I know there's more than what we've done together so far..."

"Uh huh," Pete nodded, and he put one of his hands on the upper part of my thigh now, rubbing it.

"And so I wonder if you're, like, disappointed that we haven't done other stuff yet. If there's something else that you want to do...?"

Pete broke out into a wide grin at the question. "Well, the answer is yes."

"Oh," I said simply in response, dropping my eyes down, until Pete brought his hand up to my chin to make me look up at him again.

"Not, yes, that I'm disappointed. Yes, that there's other stuff I want to do."

"Like fucking?"

"Like fucking," Pete nodded. "But only if you want that too. And only when you're ready. I mean, yes, I'm gay as fuck for you, but I'm not gonna be a predator about it."

I laughed. "Umm, thanks, good to know." Pete was rubbing my thigh again as I continued: "But I still don't want to disappoint you. I mean, I want you to stay interested."

"Believe me, I'm extremely interested." Pete leaned in and kissed me quickly. "But I know one of the ways we're different is that I've fantasized about this stuff literally for years. Like I've just admitted to you that I've jerked it to what's probably an alarming amount of gay porn in my life. And there's nothing I've seen that I wouldn't be open to trying with you, if you wanted it too."

I nodded and felt myself smiling at Pete.

"But don't get me wrong," he continued, taking my hand off his dick as he did. "I don't want to pressure you or rush you `cause I don't think I could ever enjoy it if we did something that you weren't enjoying too."

"Me neither," I agreed.

"And, honestly, I could die a happy man if all I ever got to do was make out with you, Max. That's how fucking hot that feels with you." Pete paused and let out a slow breath and then smiled at me again before he continued. "So maybe this means I'm kinda like Jekyll and Hyde with this stuff `cause just making out is so fun and, truthfully, like all I need..."

"But...?"

"But... But, grrrr..." Pete said, grabbing a fistful of my shirt and tugging me closer into him. "But then there's also this part of me that just wants to fucking tear you apart too."

I laughed for a second, and then I closed the remaining distance between our lips and kissed Pete. Deeply this time. "I hear you," I said, grinning at him when I pulled away from the kiss. "Believe me, I appreciate you being patient about this too. And in case no girl ever told you this before, you're seriously the best kisser ever."

"Why thank you," Pete grinned, stretching back and cracking his knuckles into the air, doing his best to act smug. "But I couldn't do it without you though."

I leaned back in to kiss Pete again, but he reached up one of his hands and held me back so he could ask me: "So is there something we haven't done yet that you want to do?"

My heartbeat picked up immediately at the question because I knew I needed to put this out there now: "Fucking."

"Yeah?" Pete smiled at my answer. It was a big smile, too. And I was really digging seeing Pete looking so relaxed and happy after how serious today had been up until now.

I let out a deep breath. "Yeah," I smiled back and put my hand back on Pete's dick, feeling him through his clothes. Pete was fully hard now, and his hips pushed his dick up against my hand.

"Not today though...?" he asked.

"We can, if you're ready," I smiled. "I am. Because, I, uhh, I think I need to do that with you really soon."

Pete grinned, and my hand could feel his dick jump as I said that, even through his jeans. "Do what?"

"I want us to fuck, Pete."

"That's literally the hottest thing I've ever heard."

I smiled and was about to lean in and kiss Pete again until his hand on my chest stopped me another time.

"So in this fucking... Do you want top or bottom?" he asked.

"Uhhh..." I was actually thrown by the question. "I always thought both?"

"Both," Pete grinned even bigger.

And then Pete just lunged at me, pushing me back until I was sprawled out on the sand underneath him. Pete landed right on top of me, and we kissed for what felt like forever since my dick was so painfully hard trapped inside my jeans. Pete's hard dick was grinding into mine too, and we were both breathless by the time that kiss ended.

Then Pete rested his forehead against mine and said: "Max, I need you to fuck me like right fucking now."

I felt dazed.

And also like I really, really need to get off.

Pete sprung up to his feet right after he said that though, and then he took off running across the cove towards the road and where we'd left the bikes.

"Hurry up!" he called back to me over his shoulder.

Pete didn't have to tell me twice. I jumped up to my feet and ran after him.

That ride back to the house felt like the longest mile of my life. It's not easy to ride a bike with a raging hardon, and all the grins Pete was flashing to me over his shoulder along the way were doing absolutely nothing to get my dick to go down.

When we did get to the house, though, I noticed Pete's expression turning more serious as we returned the bikes to their place in the garage. I grabbed Pete's hand as we were about to go back inside the house, wanting to check if some nerves were setting in now.

"You okay?" I asked.

"More than okay," Pete smiled at me, but it still looked shyer than all his other grins on the way back here. "But, ummm, let me hit the shower first okay? I feel like I got sand from the beach everywhere."

"I should too," I nodded, thinking about how gritty I felt. "I wouldn't want this to feel like sandpaper down there."

Pete laughed at that and then led me inside the house. He showed me to a shower in a different bedroom than where we'd slept the night before, and then Pete headed back to the room where we were staying.

I took a long time under the warm spray of the shower. And as I was lingering in there, I started laughing. It just bubbled up and out of me unprompted by anything other than the overwhelming relief I felt after our conversation on the beach. It was hitting me that this was the first time in a long time that my mind wasn't racing a mile a minute when I was alone. Instead, the only thing I was thinking about in the shower now was trying to get myself to not think. Because right now all my thoughts involved picturing what I was about to do with Pete, and I knew I didn't want to get myself so worked up in here that I'd just cum as soon as we got started.

'Down, boy, down,' I kept repeating to myself- or, more specifically, to my dick.

When I finally finished cleaning up in the shower and was drying myself off, there was one other thought that did dawn on me in a sudden flash of panic though: In our rush to leave last night, I hadn't really paid attention to what I was packing. And, damn it, I realized now that I'd left something really important behind.

I frantically checked around in all of the cabinets in this bathroom, and... And no luck.

Fuck.

All the clothes I'd had on me were sandy now, so I didn't bother dressing again after I dried off. I headed back to our bedroom, and found that Pete was still in the shower when I got there. I checked around in the dressers here too and still nothing.

Damn it.

I took a seat on the bed, cursing myself for being so unprepared, practically, for this moment even though we were both so fucking ready for it. But even more than that, it felt wrong for me to just be sitting here naked and empty-handed for an occasion that felt so important. I wished that I had... I didn't even know what, but something for Pete to show him how much this meant for me too.

My eyes scanned around the bedroom, and I spotted something over in the corner by the dresser that started to spark an idea. But before I could complete that thought, I heard the door to the bathroom opening up.

Like me, Pete was naked. His skin was glistening fresh from the shower, and he was still toweling off his hair as he stepped out into the room to join me. The built muscles in Pete's chest and arms flexed and danced with that motion. And his long, thick dick was already half-hard and bobbing heavy in the air.

I'd seen Pete naked before. Countless times at this point. But, still, my breath caught in my throat as I rose to my feet. Pete was just so fucking beautiful, and I couldn't believe my luck that we were here, together, about to do this.

Pete dropped his towel onto the ground and grinned at me as I walked up to him. I pulled him into a hug and rested my head on his shoulder, just wanting to feel the warmth of his body pressed into mine. I was fully hard again in seconds, and I could feel that Pete was too.

"Hey, you okay?" Pete asked, reading into my silence. "We don't have to right now if you're havin' second thoughts."

"Fuck no," I shook my head and pulled back to look at Pete's face. "I want this. And I'm so fuckin' ready..." Pete smiled in relief as I said that. "But I, uhhh, I just realized I didn't pack any stuff for this before we left."

"Oh," Pete nodded. "I got it." He walked over to where his overnight bag was on the floor by the dresser. My eyes followed him across the room, locked onto the sight of Pete's ass and how fucking great those twin globes of solid muscle looked. Pete rummaged around in his bag for a few seconds before he found what he wanted, and then he came back over to me. "I know we'll need this," he said, placing a bottle of lube in my hands.

"Thank God one of us is prepared," I grinned.

"And I've got this too," Pete said, handing me a condom also. "If you think we should..."

I looked down at the condom Pete placed in my hand. "I've gotten tested since I was with anyone else, and I'm negative for everything," I said, considering it out loud. "And I know you've gotta be too..." I looked back up and met Pete's eyes. "So I think I'm okay with either way."

"Are you sure?" Pete asked, his eyes searching mine.

I felt some heat flush in my cheeks. "I never have without wearing one though," I added, still thinking this through.

"Hey," Pete said, reaching up one of his hands to cup it against my cheek. "Don't get embarrassed about this. It was so good to talk to you about everything else today. And I want us to be able to talk about this stuff too."

I nodded and kept my eyes on Pete's. "I'm okay going without one with you, Pete," I said, putting it out there. "It's not like we're gonna get pregnant. But no pressure. I want whatever we do to help you to be comfortable."

Pete closed his fingers over my hand that was holding the condom, and he kissed me. My dick throbbed as our tongues wrestled with each other.

"What do you want us to do, Pete?" I asked when the kiss ended.

Pete rested his forehead against my shoulder, and I felt him take in a deep breath before he looked up at me and replied:

"I want you to fuck me, Max. Without one. I... I want to feel you inside me like that."

My dick spasmed at hearing this, and I swallowed down something that felt caught in my throat. This totally wasn't helping to keep me from feeling like I was gonna cum right away.

I pulled Pete into me, and I kissed him again. Pete reached both of his hands up to my face to hold me steady as his tongue pushed deeper and deeper into my mouth until my lungs were screaming for air. We were both amped up, and it was obvious how excited Pete was too, even without the confirmation of his hard dick pressing into mine.

I broke from that kiss and took in some deep breaths, grinning at Pete.

'Down boy, down,' I had to remind myself again.

As much as my dick wanted to, I knew we shouldn't get too ahead of ourselves. Not so fast this time.

I kissed Pete again, more slowly now. We started stumbling backwards towards the bed, and I navigated us towards the particular spot on it that I'd picked out for my idea that started germinating while Pete was in the shower. I pushed him down to a seat on the edge there, and then I stood back and let myself just look for a second:

Pete was bone hard and grinning up at me. And, once again, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.

I noticed Pete's eyes drop away from my face to look at my dick. I was already way, way past fully hard, and my balls were fucking aching for release. When I followed Pete's gaze down there, I saw there was a pearl of precum forming at my slit where my foreskin was already drawn back. Pete looked back up at me, and he had a more sober expression crossing his face.

"What?" I asked, wondering if maybe he was starting to have second thoughts now that this was becoming so real.

Pete laughed under his breath. It was a dry, nervous sound that didn't really have any humor to it. "Falling in love with the guy with the giant dick seemed like such a great idea before right now."

My eyes dropped back down to look at how far my dick was jutting out over my abs. "Umm, sorry?" I replied, bringing my eyes back to Pete's face.

"Don't be," Pete laughed, a real one this time. And he shook his head at me. "It just feels... daunting."

"Well, I'm not gonna just shove it in," I said, stepping closer to where Pete was seated so I could put a hand on his shoulder. "I, uhh, I read up and did my research about this over the summer. Like what to do."

"You're such an overachiever," Pete grinned up at me and laughed again. Then he leaned forward and took just the tip of my dick into his mouth. I felt Pete's tongue lick up that drop of precum from my slit, and a shiver ran through my entire body. This definitely wasn't gonna help me make it last.

I pulled my dick out of Pete's mouth. "Slow down," I said.

Pete rolled his eyes at me and tried to lean forward to bring my dick into his mouth again, but I caught his chin in my other hand and tilted his face up to look at mine.

"I know you're gonna need to be relaxed for this, so let me..."

"Let you what?"

I dropped down to my knees between Pete's legs. I looked up at him and we locked eyes again. Pete grinned. I kissed my way up the inner part of his thighs, inhaling that deep Pete scent I loved so much. I tongued his balls, and then I brought his shaft into my mouth. But after a minute, I felt Pete's fingers thread through my hair, and he pulled me off of him.

"Dude, now you gotta slow down," he panted as my eyes met his again. "I don't want to cum before we..."

"I know," I nodded. And then I nudged his legs apart further. Pete spread his thighs wider, giving me room to get closer. I reached up, slipping one of my hands around Pete's neck, and I pulled him to lean down and kiss me. I grabbed his dick with my other hand as we kissed, and I got my fingers wet with my spit that was still slicking up his shaft.

With that hand, I moved down lower, tracing a wet fingertip past his balls and inching further back until I was almost there.

I broke away from our kiss right when my finger reached Pete's hole. I looked up at him and saw that his breath was coming more quickly now. Pete's hard dick was throbbing where it rested against my cheek.

"Can I...?" I asked, pressing my finger against Pete there but not pushing inside yet. "Can I try something else first?"

The rise and fall of Pete's chest was coming faster and faster now. "Yes," he nodded, and then he bit down on his lower lip.

I pulled my hand away. Pete looked surprised when I did that. I put that hand up to his stomach and started to push him to lie back onto the bed. He went with it, but he still rested on his elbows and kept his neck craned up so he could see me. I started to nudge his legs apart even wider with both of my hands, gripping onto Pete's muscular thighs and pulling him closer to the edge of the bed. Then I started pushing both of his legs back, and that lifted Pete's ass up so it was right there hanging just over the edge. Pete's hard dick bobbed in the air between his hips and his stomach.

I started to lean in closer now, and I saw Pete's eyes widen in surprise as it occurred to him what I was about to do.

"Max, are you...?" he asked.

"Can I?"

"Fuck yes," he grinned down at me.

I smiled back at Pete for a second. I'd been wanting to try this, but I'd always stopped myself from crossing this line every time I'd sucked him off before now. I knew there was no way I could've gone here with Pete and still kept up the charade that we were only friends with benefits.

But that was all behind us now.

Still, I didn't go straight for it. I first took Pete's dick in my mouth, getting his shaft wet again, and only after that did I start to go lower with my mouth. My tongue retraced the path my finger had taken moments before. I teased his balls and then explored that spot behind them, kissing him there and holding him still as he started to labor for breath more heavily. I had to keep my hands on the backs of both of Pete's thighs as my mouth crept lower and lower, both to support him and to keep him from bucking too much at how this was making him feel. Then, right before my tongue was about to reach Pete's hole, I pulled back and sat on my heels to really look at where I was going.

I'd looked at Pete's ass before. I'd looked at Pete's ass naked before. But I'd never seen it like this.

And...

And, fuck, this looked so hot.

It just felt so fucking intimate, the amount of trust it took for Pete to let me be the one to be here, to see him now like this. This fucking close and this fucking exposed and vulnerable.

I looked up at Pete's face. He was watching me. And I saw him nod down to me: Keep going.

I grinned at Pete again. And then I leaned forward and brought my tongue to the bud of Pete's ass, just touching the tip of my tongue against it for now.

Immediately, I felt a jolt run through Pete's body when my tongue made that contact with his skin. Pete laughed out loud too. His hips squirmed down into the bed, and if I hadn't been keeping my grip on his thighs, he probably would've slid back and away from me.

I pulled back and looked at Pete's face again to check his expression as both his hands fell down to my shoulders and gripped into them hard, digging his fingers into my muscles.

"Sorry," Pete laughed again. "That kinda tickled."

"Too much?" I asked.

"No... uhhh, could you...? Could you do that again?"

I smiled up at Pete and then leaned back in again. This time, I kissed my way around Pete's hole first to get him more used to the sensations of having my mouth down there. He was moaning as I did that, the sounds coming from somewhere deep inside his chest. And Pete got louder and louder as I teased my way around his hole with my tongue, circling in on it until I felt one of his hands leave my shoulder to grip onto the back of my head and pull me deeper into him.

"Fffffuucckkk!" Pete groaned. And that was my sign to really go for it now.

I pressed my tongue flat against his puckered hole. Pete's fingers gripped tighter onto my head as he was jolted again by how sensitive everything was there.

"Fuck, Max... ffffuuuucck!"

I knew Pete was being loud, but it sounded far away now. I was so totally engrossed by how fucking turned on doing this with Pete was making me feel too. And I wasn't just licking at Pete's hole anymore either. No, my tongue was starting to probe at it now, pushing into the resistance of how tight I could already tell it was going to be when...

"Max!!!" Pete moaned out above me.

I pulled back for a second to look at the view of Pete down there again. This time, Pete's hole hole was glistening wet with my spit. And, fuck, that just made it all look even more...

... My dick throbbed painfully between my legs again. My balls ached.

Pete looked so fucking hot down here.

I was breathless.

Seeing Pete's hole this close and thinking about what we were about to do next, it hardly seemed like it was going to even be possible, like it was going to take some miracle of physiology to even...

I looked back up at Pete. The skin on his chest was flushed red now, and his breath was coming quick. Pete's eyes seemed almost glazed over as they met mine.

"Holy shit," he said, panting hard.

"Holy shit," I agreed, smiling up at him one more time before I leaned back in.

As I kept going, I started to test out different spots with my tongue, trying to find the ones that would make Pete buck and moan even more as I explored this part of him for the first time.

I pulled back again after a few more minutes of mapping out the new terrain. The throbs in my dick were increasing, reminding me once again that I really, really needed to slow the fuck down.

But hearing Pete's reaction to how this was making him feel...?

Fuck, I hadn't even touched my dick, but I was already so fucking hard that it felt like I'd cum the second anything did right now. So, I sat back on my heels again to catch my breath.

Pete propped himself up on his elbows to look at me when I paused. His breath was heavy too, and I knew he was right there with me.

"Fuck," Pete said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Max, that's..."

"For me too," I replied, and I noticed Pete's eyes fall back down to my dick. He grinned. And seeing that gorgeous smile of his reminded me why I'd brought Pete over to this particular spot on the bed.

I got back up on my knees between Pete's legs, and slid my arms around his back and coaxed him to sit back upright. That brought me eye level with Pete's chest, so I titled my neck up to look at his face. Pete was still smiling, and he leaned down to kiss me as soon as I guided him into this position. I threaded one of my hands through Pete's hair while we made out for a few minutes, and then I left it there when we resurfaced for air.

When I saw Pete opening his eyes again, I tugged on his hair to nudge his head so he would look upwards and out into the room behind me. I twisted my neck around to follow his gaze and check if he'd spotted what I wanted him to:

Over in the corner of the room, there was a full-length mirror standing next to the dresser. And I'd gotten the angle just right. There, reflecting back at us in that mirror, was a full view of me kneeling naked between Pete's powerful legs. I saw Pete's eyes land on the mirror, and then I watched them slowly travel over my bare ass, up my back and shoulders to the image of himself towering over me.

"Oh fuck," Pete gasped out loud when his eyes met mine in the mirror. Then he tilted his head back down to look at my face.

"Pete, I love you so fucking much," I said when his eyes landed on mine.

"I love you too," he grinned. And then he started leaning down to kiss me again, but I lifted a hand up to his chest to stop him.

"And I love you because you let me see the real you, Pete" I said, reaching my hand up further to tilt his chin up so he was looking at his reflection in the mirror again. "You're so fucking beautiful. And now I want you to see what I see."

Pete swallowed something down in his throat and nodded, his eyes transfixed on the mirror.

"Just watch," I said, and then I dropped my mouth back down to Pete's rock hard dick.

I kept my eyes trained up on Pete's face as my mouth worked down Pete's shaft. I could see his eyes darting back and forth between looking down to watch me and looking up at the reflection in the mirror. His breath kept getting heavier and heavier, and after a minute of this he reached a hand down to my face to coax me off of him. I got a taste of precum when my tongue slid over his head as I pulled off.

"Max..." he panted. "Fuck, you really gotta stop. I'm getting so close already."

I sat back on my heels again, and we both took some deep breaths. I needed to calm myself down too because my heart was racing so fast.

After a minute, Pete took one of the hands I'd kept resting on top of his thighs in his. He tugged on me until I was back on my knees again, and then he lifted my hand up to his lips. Watching my face, he opened his mouth and then swallowed down my index finger, swirling his tongue over it and getting it wet. I slipped it back out and left it resting on his lips when he spoke again:

"Max, will you...?"

"Fuck yeah," I replied, pushing my finger back into his mouth. Pete got it more wet, teasing it with his tongue, and he started inching his ass forward even closer to the edge of the bed. Then he leaned back on his elbows as I took that hand and brought it back down lower.

I sat back on my heels, kissed the inside of one of Pete's thighs, and then glanced behind me to the mirror to make sure I wasn't blocking his view of this.

"Watch," I said again. Pete propped himself up on his elbows and spread his legs a little further apart. I brought the tip of my finger up to Pete's hole. I felt my way around it first, teasing him and letting him get used to the sensation of being touched there. Pete was already moaning again though, and I glanced up and saw that he was still watching this all in the mirror too.

I brought my finger to the bud of Pete's ass now and just pressed against it at first.

"Uuummmhhh," Pete breathed heavily. His eyes left the mirror to meet mine again. "Please, Max... Please."

I kept my eyes locked on Pete's as I started pushing my finger inside of him. Pete inhaled sharply as I started to enter. And this time, the moan I heard ringing so loudly in my ear was coming from me. Pete felt so fucking warm and so fucking soft and so fucking smooth on my finger. I thought for a split second that I might cum right then without even touching my dick.

Because, fuck, this felt so incredible.

"Oh my God, Pete..." I panted, struggling to control my own breathing now.

Pete nodded down to me, but it looked like his breath was coming too quick for him to speak any actual words.

I slid my finger back out, and it instantly missed that feeling of being inside Pete. My other hand fumbled around blindly on the bed until it found that bottle of lube. I opened it, poured some onto my finger, and then brought it back to Pete's hole.

I spread some lube around the outside, slicking it up before I pushed inside again. It went in a bit easier this time, but the ring of Pete's hole felt so fucking tight just on my finger. I pushed my way deeper inside now, and Pete was moaning again. I pulled out, applied some more lube to my finger, and then I went back in.

I started fucking Pete with my finger. In and out, slowly, watching the amazed expression on Pete's face, the jumps in his dick, and the bucks in his hips for the signs of which angles, which spots elicited the greatest response. Pete's moans were coming in a constant stream now, and I could feel my dick throbbing in anticipation of how that warmth, that tightness I was feeling on my finger would feel on it.

Pete sat back up, chest still flushed, and then he leaned forward and tugged me up into another kiss. This one was unfocused and manic because we were both breathing so hard. I pulled my finger out, and we rested our foreheads against each other, just breathing for a minute, trying to keep ourselves from the edge.

"Max," Pete panted. "I want you."

I nudged him backwards so he could lie back fully on the bed now. I got up from the floor and laid myself gingerly on top of his body, trying to keep myself from setting off my dick just from that contact between us.

"Let me do two fingers first," I said. "I think that might help."

Pete nodded, and I reached for the lube again. I got some on my index and my middle finger this time, and before I went back to Pete's hole, I grabbed his dick and gave it a couple of strokes to lube it up too.

"Don't," Pete shuddered, batting my hand away from his dick. "You'll make me..."

I nodded, and then I kissed him, slowly and deeply. As my tongue wrestled with Pete's inside his mouth, I traced my fingers back to Pete's hole and pushed two of them inside this time. As they went deeper into him, Pete could barely kiss me back. He was moaning into my mouth too hard now.

I pulled my lips away from Pete's, struggling to breathe myself. My eyes locked onto Pete's as I gulped in oxygen.

"Max..." he panted. "Please."

"Are you ready?"

"I've wanted this for so fucking long."

I got myself between Pete's legs, his knees bent up on either side of me so his hips could lift his ass up as I slid myself into position. My dick was so fucking hard as I stared down at it poised just inches away from Pete's hole now. I looked back up at Pete's face.

"I love you so fucking much," I said.

"I love you too."

I leaned down and kissed Pete again one more time as I pushed my dick so that it pressed up against his hole.

"Unnngghhhh," Pete groaned at that contact, breaking his mouth away from that kiss.

I reached for the lube, sat back, and then poured some onto my dick. Pete reached his hand down and gave my shaft a stroke, spreading the slickness over me. This time it was me that moaned. Pete grinned breathlessly at that sound.

I leaned back and then got up into a plank position over Pete, reaching a hand down to guide my dick so it was rubbing against the outside of Pete's hole. I watched his face as I teased his ass with the tip of my dick while I felt out how the angles of this position would work.

"Pete, I'm gonna go for it now, okay?"

Pete's breath was coming too quick for him to speak, so he just nodded to me. He slid his hands down my back and left one of them gripped onto my hip. Pete grabbed onto my dick with the other.

The lube had made everything slick down there, so Pete used that hand to guide my dick to his hole, positioning it right there. Slowly, carefully, I started pushing my dick forward, keeping my eyes on Pete's face so I could watch his expression for signs of how this felt for him.

The ring of Pete's hole was so tight. My head just wouldn't slide inside as I was pushing against it from this approach, so Pete's hand guided my dick to a slightly different angle. Then he nodded up to me to try again.

I leaned down to kiss Pete's neck quickly, and then I pushed my dick forward again. This time, I felt myself start to enter him. It was so fucking tight. It felt like pushing myself into a vice, and it was just my head that I was able to slide inside against all the pressure.

Pete winced. And he inhaled sharply.

The fingers of the hand he had on my hip dug into me, gripping on and holding me still there.

I looked up so I could see Pete's face. He had his eyes pressed shut, and his brow was knotted in a mix of pain and concentration. His breath picked up even more. Short inhales and exhales in quick succession.

"Pete?"

He dropped his other hand away from my dick and opened his eyes to meet mine. I placed one of my hands on top of his chest as I held my hips still with just the head of my dick lodged inside him. It took every ounce of restraint I had to keep myself from pushing through and into the warmth I'd already felt on my fingers just minutes ago.

"Breathe," I said, dropping my lips back down to his neck to kiss Pete again. With my hand on his chest, I felt him trying to take longer, deeper breaths. I kissed his neck again as I held the rest of my body motionless, giving him time to get used to this.

After a minute, Pete relaxed that grip he had on my hip. I pulled my head up to look at his face again.

"You okay?" I asked.

Pete exhaled slowly and nodded, "Just go slow."

I pushed in again, maybe another inch. Just enough to get my head through the ring of his hole so that it reached past it to where everything felt so fucking warm and soft and smooth and...

"Unnnnghhhh," I moaned before I even realized it was me. I could finally feel that on my dick now, what it was like to be inside Pete.

Pete had closed his eyes again, bracing himself when I pushed, but they snapped open as soon as he heard that sound escape my lips.

"Fuck, Pete, you feel so..." I couldn't breathe. My chest felt so tight, and my heart was pounding. Even having just one inch of my dick inside Pete was so fucking good.

Now Pete's hand on my hip relaxed even more. Instead of holding me back, Pete's grip was starting to pull me towards him. I went in a couple more inches now.

"FFFFuuuucckkkkkk!" I moaned again.

I'd been propping myself up over Pete on my elbows, keeping my weight off of him as I held myself back, but they were getting wobbly now. My brow was sweating from how much effort it took to keep myself from just driving the rest in right now.

"Oh my God, Max," Pete panted.

I pushed again. Another couple inches went inside Pete.

"Mmmmmhhhhhhmmmm," Pete moaned out this time, and it sounded like he was letting go of a breath he'd been holding in way too long. He spread his legs further apart, making room for me.

I was about half-way in now.

It felt so fucking good and so fucking tight.

My wobbling arms couldn't hold myself up anymore. It took more attention than I had when all of my senses were tunneling down to focus on what it felt like to be inside Pete. I pushed another inch inside.

I slid my arms underneath Pete now and hugged his body tight against mine. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and moaned out loud again as I pushed in a couple more inches.

Almost there.

Pete moaned again, something between a sound and a word and a breath.

I felt him slide his hands from my hips back to my ass. Pete grabbed onto me there, digging his fingers into the muscles of my ass, and using that grip to pull me further into him. And with that encouragement, I slid the final inches inside.

I was balls deep now.

It was so tight and so warm and so fucking incredible being inside Pete.

"MMmmmmmmhhh," I moaned into Pete's neck, burying my face against his skin. I hugged his body tighter against mine, and I could feel Pete's hard dick getting crushed between our stomachs.

From Pete's chest pressing against mine, I could feel just how quickly his breathing was coming now. I held myself as still as I could for a minute. I clung to him as the feeling in my dick overwhelmed me. I had no fucking idea how I'd managed to not cum already. Because Pete felt so...

Because being inside Pete felt so...

I released my hold on Pete enough that I could pull up to look at his face.

Pete had his eyes closed, and he was still breathing hard.

I kissed my way along the square line of his jaw, keeping my hips motionless and my dick buried at full hilt inside him. I nuzzled at his chin and waited.

After a minute, Pete opened his eyes and met mine.

"Pete, you feel so fucking good..."

A relieved smile broke across Pete's face, but it seemed like he was still breathing too hard to say anything.

I brought my lips to his, kissing him, and Pete slipped his tongue into my mouth. It didn't last long before we needed to break for air.

"Max..." Pete panted.

I nodded, waiting.

"Fuck me," he said. "Please."

And so slowly, just as slowly as I'd entered him, I now started to pull my hips back.

Bit by bit. One inch at a time, I pulled out and then slid back inside, lengthening my strokes as I went along, the sensations of Pete's ass gripping tight onto my dick ricocheting through me more and more each time.

I kept my eyes fixed on Pete's face as I built up to a rhythm, watching him as the tension and the concentration in his expression slowly relaxed and gave way.

Pete started moaning out loud again. That made me moan.

Pete leaned up to kiss me. I kissed him back.

"Ffffucck," Pete groaned into my mouth.

Then I nudged Pete to turn his head and look over at the mirror again. We both cried out curse words as soon as we laid eyes on the reflection of this union between our bodies.

It was so fucking hot. I couldn't take it anymore.

I reached down and grabbed Pete's dick in my hand.

"Mmmmaaaxx," he moaned, turning back to meet my eyes again.

Pete's dick was so hard in my hand, and there was precum leaking out from his slit.

"Fuck, Pete,..." I groaned as I started stroking him.

"Max, I'm gonna..."

And then he was.

Cum started blasting out of Pete's dick, landing in thick ropes across his chest and his abs. I could feel each contraction gripping onto my dick where I was buried deep in his ass.

And I just fuckin' lost it.

"Peeettteeee," I roared, finally letting go.

It felt like my dick was actually exploding inside Pete.

Again.

And again.

And again.

I collapsed down on top of Pete as the waves of it washed over me, smearing Pete's cum all over both of us.

I was sweating. I could barely breathe.

I felt shell shocked.

And then I felt Pete's arms wrap around me, hugging me tight against him.

I rested my head in my favorite spot against Pete's neck, closing my eyes as yet another spasm in my dick reverberated through me from where I was still buried deep inside him.

And then, sounding like he was still fighting for breath himself, I heard Pete whisper out a single word to me:

"Stay."

To be continued.