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The night grew dark. As nights do. Unless you're in Alaska in the summer.
Anyway, the night in Vermont got dark, and not just visibly. The day of reckoning was upon us. We had questions to answer.
The rain let up. We lit a fire.
The last time we had a fire was the night it got started.
"It"... what was it? It might have been helpful to know that while we tried to figure out what to do about it.
Hindsight tells me that "it" could have been intense lust... an expression of Mike's sexuality, a latent expression of mine. "It" could have been a playful love... the love between good friends with some time on their hands and a few bad ideas. Worst case, "it" was a profound love... admiration that was physical, mental, emotional, spiritual... a deep love that would haunt us the rest of our lives...
What was it? We did not answer that question that night. We could not.
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We sat on the same log, ostensibly to keep warm, really to be physically connected. Our thighs and the sides of our chests touched, keeping us, finally dressed in our fleeces and hiking pants against the chill, warm in the darkness.
We'd eaten. Didn't feel like playing guitar, singing. So we sat. I stroked his back from time to time. Mikey kicked off the conversation.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you. At school." Mikey was a junior studying Politics at Bowdoin. "I know everybody there. And... fuck. They pale in comparison to you."
"How do you know I'm so great? I'm sleeping around on my girlfriend, for chrissakes."
He nuzzled in next to me, wrapped his arms around my chest. "I don't mind that part."
We held still for a few minutes. Then Mikey lit up. "Maybe when I graduate we can take a long trip together. Hike the whole AT! Fuck it, we can go to Europe and hike in the Alps. Just you and me."
"Your sister would probably want to come too, you know." Mikey was a pretty flawless kid: kind, funny, so cute you just wanna fuck him... at least I do... but he does have a couple of noticeable flaws. He's too nice. Someone's going to take advantage of that one day. And he's naive. He doesn't know what he doesn't know, and he expects the best from every situation. For those of us who have been around a little longer, we know that's not how it goes. Not in the real world.
Still, fuck. I wanted to adopt his worldview. I felt that way at one time, when I was younger. Why can't we be together? Why can't we go off into the woods together, survive as men together, fuck each other daily, like men?
Maybe because I'm afraid.
"Yeah... I guess you're right." Mikey sighed.
"We can keep fucking around... you know, when we get the chance." I knew this was not Mikey wanted. Still, it was one possibility.
He didn't answer. "I'll be up at your parents' cabin over the 4th of July. We'll get plenty of time together. We can tell them we're going to play golf. We can walk into the woods. We'll bring a blanket. We'll have a blast."
"Yeah..." Mikey trailed off. "I just..."
"What, Mikey."
"I wanna be WITH you, man."
"I know, Mikey. I know." A painful pause. "We gotta change the subject or we're going to be miserable."
"Yeah." Mikey was already miserable.
"Let's talk about sex! Huh?" I playfully ran my hand up his spine and up the back of his neck, then down again and under his waistband.
He smiled. "I'll always talk about sex." He had an idea. "What about Truth or Dare??"
"Hmmm... you might get me in MORE trouble if we do that. How about this? We take turns asking questions. And you have to answer honestly. If you're not honest, you lose. Game over."
"I accept." We shook hands. "You go first," he said.
I thought for a minute. "What's your favorite thing we've done together?"
"Ooooh. Good one. Let me think..." He paused, taking the question seriously. "Weirdly, it's not when you made my fantasy come true. That was incredible... I'll be dreaming about that for... I don't know, for the rest of my life. And it wasn't the blowjob you gave me, which was incredible."
"The best blowjob you've ever gotten???" I interjected, probably too eagerly.
He laughed. "Sure man, yeah. I'm prepared to call it: best blowjob ever." We both had a laugh at that. "It wasn't that either. No, it was the first kiss we had. In the tent, the first night."
"Really?!"
"Yes. Because really I've been dreaming about THAT for five years... since the day I met you. I've always wanted to be close to you. That was the first time when I realized I actually could be."
We both took a beat, soaked that in.
"Alright, my turn..." I could tell from his pause that he was framing something up... something that was no good. "Have you ever fucked my sister in the ass?"
I exhaled. Heavily. I couldn't lose the game--not this early, anyway. Mikey, honest as the day is long, was always going to win in the end, but I couldn't cave now. This was my first question.
"You're a mischievous shit sometimes, you know that?" I could hear Mike's giddy grin. "OK, yes. I have. Twice."
"And?"
"It didn't go well. Your sister and I, if you can believe it, have a pretty great sex life. She's..."
I hesitated. Better not share too much.
"We have a good time. And a couple of times we were horny and had the idea to try it. I lubed her up pretty well. I was kind of in charge, and you know what an expert I am in the art of anal sex..."
Mikey had a big laugh at that.
"Anyway, we tried to do it doggy style. I got about an inch into her--like, not even the whole head--and it started hurting. So we gave up and I fucked her the old-fashioned way."
"The hetero-normative way."
"Sure. The second time, I'd done a little research. She sat on top. She pressed down and probably got a little further. An inch or two, maybe? I couldn't see... I could only see the look of sheer agony on her face.
"I could tell she was doing it for me, not for her. That's a turnoff... I don't mind a little selfishness in sex, but you both gotta be enjoying it, know what I mean?"
"Hell yeah."
"So there's no comparison, really: your ass is a much, much better fuck than your sister's."
I knew that's what Mikey had wanted to hear. It was true.
"On the other hand, her pussy... vagina, is infinitely better than yours, as you don't have one."
Mikey groaned. "Very illuminating, thanks. OK, what's better: her pussy or my ass?"
"I believe it's my turn to ask a question." God bless the rules of this game for saving me on that one...
"Mikey, have you ever been in love before?"
"Besides with you?" I gave him a look, one that said `please be helpful and not a pain in my ass.'
"Yes. Briefly. One time. It was last year, sophomore year. He was a senior. He was just coming out. I met him in French Lit. We started chatting after class one day. He asked if I wanted to throw a frisbee around. Hell yes, I said. So we did. And then we kept doing it, all spring. We'd roll a little joint and smoke and throw the disc.
"We started going back to his room afterward. He'd turn on music, Phish and Widespread and such. Not my favorite stuff, but not bad. We'd get higher, veg out. We'd sit there in complete silence. I didn't know what to make of it--was he into me? I couldn't tell.
"One day, he set his whole forearm on my thigh. I turned and looked at him. We just stared at each other for, like, two minutes. Then I leaned over and kissed him.
"We started fooling around after we'd throw. Mostly jerking each other off, plus oral a couple of times. It was pretty hot for me... I had a frisbee buddy AND a fuck buddy all in one.
"As the semester rolled on, he started to get a little weird. A little uncomfortable, maybe. Graduation was coming up; his parents were coming to visit; he was going on job interviews. And he had just come out, and only to a small handful of people. I don't even know if he told his friends about me.
"He ended up basically going back into the closet at the end of school. He moved to New York. I called him up that summer... he basically blew me off. I called again when I was back in school. He said we wouldn't be able to get together anymore.
"I figure he finally had to come out for real at some point. New York has too many people, too much opportunity not to. But who knows? All I know is he's not with me."
"Was he good looking?" I found myself a little jealous of this guy.
"Yeah. He was, like, straight-guy good looking. I thought I was so lucky I was to score with him. Of course, that was before I got down with you."
Was Mike was trying to flatter his way into my heart? Or maybe he was being sincere?
"Your turn."
"Will we ever be together?"
I sat quietly. With my right arm, I stroked Mikey's back, trying to convey the love I feel for him energetically through my fingertips and into his back. That was the best I could do, because I could not answer that question honestly. I turned my face to his, he turned his to mine. We looked into each other's eyes to see as much truth as we could find.
In Mikey's eyes, I saw passion. Youthful passion. And love. A big, deep, fat love. And I saw fear--a fear of the unknown, of the future.
In my eyes, I would guess that Mike saw swirls of confusion plus a heavy dose of indecision. Plus passion. And love.
I reached for his hands, putting one of each into mine. I squeezed them.
"Let's go back into the tent."
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We fucked. It was our rawest, most sensitive, most emotionally-open fuck. It felt scary, dangerous, like we might break something.
It was delicate and scary but full of passion too. You can't fill someone's guts--literally be inside them--while holding them, touching them, kissing them--and not feel passion. If you can, I want no part of that.
In addition, we were sore, frankly, from all the fucking we had done that day. I haven't put my dick through that kind of test since I discovered masturbation at age 13. His insides were tender too, I'm guessing. Still, we had to fuck.
I was between his legs, his naked ass on top of his sleeping bag. We watched each other like we were trying to read each other at the poker table. Neither one of us folded. Neither one of us bluffed.
Finally, Mike called.
"I love you."
I was mid-thrust, penetrating his ass gently but firmly, carefully but insistently. I couldn't respond. Not to that. I just kept thrusting, kept staring at him in the eyes.
"I love you, and I want to feel you inside me every day for the rest of my life."
I kept thrusting inside of him. I could feel his insides meeting the shape of my dick, echoing his words by squeezing onto me just so.
"I can't take my eyes off you. I'll never love anyone as much."
He knew I couldn't respond. I never stopped fucking him. Never hesitated, really.
"Because we were meant to be together. I know... it's uncomfortable, and awkward... but we can find our way through it. We can be together. Forever."
I groaned as I began to cum hard inside of Mikey. I wish I had a better poker face. Alas... I was all-in, inside his beautiful, tight, warm, loving, perfect ass.
If I'd answered his after-the-bell question, I would have told him: it's you. You're the better fuck. Hot as your sister is, as much fun as we've had over the years, I have never had sex like this, like how it is with you. Never have.
Maybe never will again...
I fell down on top of him. My dick was still inside of him. His dick was sandwiched between us.
Without any movement or friction between us, just the weight of my upon him and the load of cum inside him... he came.
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