Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real people or events is coincidental. It contains descriptions of sex between adult men. If this type of material offends you, or if you are forbidden by law to read it, please exit the story now. E-mail comments are gratefully accepted.
Metropolitan Romance-6
The weather was getting warmer as spring seemed to be conceding to an early summer. In the past, the church had almost shut down in the summer. People were busy with vacations and other activities. I never understood why spirituality was inversely proportional to the weather. I was determined that there would be programming of some kind this year. The first place to start was with the youth.
I attended the youth meeting where both Jared and Brad were present. We had worked out a system so Paul and Jared wouldn't run into each other on group nights. This pointed out the need for other groups at other times. Another family might not be able to work around the problem of the need for a sense of safety and security.
The group discussed what they would like to do for activities in the summer. The list was the usual combination of sports, outside activities and "date" events such as movies or dances. Two events that stood out were an outside dance, perhaps in the church parking lot, and a canoeing trip complete with camping. Everyone was enthusiastic about the dance so we picked a date and assigned committees. The camping appeared to only interest the boys. That would actually make the logistics easier. Even gay groups have to provide for boy/girl privacy.
The dance could be sponsored and chaperoned by practically anyone. The canoe trip, however, required people with both the inclination and some experience. Since men were needed, fathers would normally be an obvious choice. The unfortunate situation of the male role model in our society meant that often if there were family problems for a young gay male, it included a conflict with his father. There were several younger men in the church who might be interested, but since it hadn't been done before, it would take work to bring it together. It was agreed that I would announce tentative plans for a trip both at the parents' meeting and in church.
Knowing that the youth would want any music at the dance as loud as possible, I decided to go door to door in the neighbor hood to scope out any potential problems. The church was in a declining inner-city neighborhood. The congregation that was started at the same location moved to the suburbs to follow its white-flight parishioners. Metropolitan was able to buy the facility at a reasonable price. Location wasn't that crucial for a congregation that pulled participants citywide. The neighbors were surprisingly supportive. It occurred to me that this clientele wouldn't be quick to call the police. I'd have to remember to ask Larry if there was anything I needed to do in advance on that front.
A couple of young teachers jumped at the chance to help with the canoe trip. The surprise came from the parents' group. I announced the list of events the youth were hoping to have for the summer. Several mothers volunteered to help with the dance. I asked about the canoe trip and was caught off guard when Paul offered to help. Jared had been one of the most interested in the youth group.
I called Carol to try and get a reading about how things were going in the Langley house. She reported that she and Paul were talking. He had obviously become well read on the subject from some of the details of the conversation she related. I didn't ask about sleeping arrangements and she didn't volunteer it. There had been no communication between Paul and Jared up to this point. I was uncertain as to how to proceed. Since I was intensely involved, it was impossible to be objective, but I hated to exclude Paul from the trip automatically.
Paul took the initiative and called to make an appointment to talk with me. We hadn't had any real dialogue since he came to my office a couple of weeks ago. His arrival in the office was received less dramatically than before, but no more warmly.
"Rev. Williams, thank you for seeing me over my lunch hour," Paul said with a certain charm that I had never experienced from him.
"I often adjust my day to be available to people with less flexible schedules than my own," I responded.
I was being honest, but I suspect my rationale was to not have him thinking I had done something special for him.
"I wanted to talk with you about the canoe trip," he stated, coming right to the point. "I sensed that you had reservations about me helping with trip. I assume that means that Jared is one of the ones interested in participating."
"That possibility did occur to me," I responded, trying not to speak for Jared.
"I've made some progress on what you asked me to do."
"I didn't ask you to do anything, Paul. I gave you suggestions."
"Ah yes, I see the distinction."
I knew Jared was bright as well as having a sharp sense of humor. I had never experienced any of this from Paul previously.
"Go ahead and tell me about your progress," I continued.
"Kevin, my friend at work, did agree to help me. He's actually been very patient with me. I'll ask him what it's like being gay and he tells me. The stories of his time in high school have been particularly informative. There's a lot I didn't understand. I thought those websites you gave me were pretty good, too. I suspected that they might contain a lot of propaganda, but they were basically straightforward."
"I'm glad they were helpful. Not everyone appreciates certain perspectives, but I'm thankful that they worked for you," I said.
"Carol and I have been talking, also. I think at first she thought I was putting on an act. I guess that's only fair since she just discovered that the last twenty years had been an act. I hope she's starting to believe me. She's going to come to the next parents' meeting. I thought it was important to come on my own at first, but I think they will do her good as well."
"Rebuilding trust is never as easy as tearing it down," I interjected.
"You're telling me that others are going to be tougher to convince than Carol."
"As your wife, I'm sure she wants to believe you," I added.
"I'm praying that somewhere inside of Jared, there's a part that wants to believe me."
"Remember, he was wise to the act for a long time. You are going to have to rebuild years, not merely weeks of mistrust."
"Neither one of us has mentioned Eric yet. I know I can't impose on your relationship for any special help there. But I want you to know, whether you believe me or not, that you and Eric come with the package. Neither Jared nor Carol will accept anything less. If I can't convince the two of you of my sincerity, I will have gained very little," he said while maintaining complete eye contact.
The man was a natural communicator. The problem with a gift such as that is that people are left wondering whether your words are true or only skill. He hit the nail on the head without any question. I had already deduced that Eric was going to be his biggest challenge. Paul had hurt Carol, Jared and me. Even a less than average protective person would struggle. It's always easier to forgive someone for something they did to us than for something they did to someone we love.
"Paul, you are correct. I'm not going to help you when it comes to Eric. I feel that would be an abuse of what he and I have together. But I will confirm your thought that he is important to your family's reconciliation," I said.
"Don't underestimate your own influence. Carol has mentioned how much Jared talks about you. I bet he wishes you were his father."
Every person has vulnerable spots. I wasn't sure whether he was searching for mine, but he had definitely found one. Between losing my own sons and my affection for Jared, I had to struggle to not get emotionally over-committed to a scenario where Jared lived with us. Since I suspected I was on the verge of losing any control in the situation, I decided this conversation needed to draw to a close.
"Paul, is there anything specific you want from me?"
"I want to go on this canoe trip and I want Jared to go with me. Is there any possibility you will let that happen?"
"I can't give you a definitive answer on that at this time. I think we need to wait and see what transpires between now and then."
"I'll take that as at least not a definite no," Paul responded with a touch of pain that I couldn't help but believe was real.
Only time would tell when it came to this man. I now had to sit on the problem of Jared's excitement over the canoe trip and his father's request to participate. I knew at this point that Jared would be very defensive about even the thought that his father might be one of the adults. I decided that the trip was more important for Jared than Paul. Without saying it in so many words, the decision came down to whether or not Paul could reconcile with Jared in time to be included. Otherwise, I was determined that Jared would go and that he would have a good experience.
I spoke with Larry about the dance. He said we would be wise to get a permit for an outdoor function. He didn't foresee a problem getting one. He volunteered to help with the dance. That way if the police were brought into the event, he might be able to diffuse any problems. Loren jumped at the chance as well. There were so many adults willing to help with the dance that it occurred to me that what we needed was an adult dance on another night.
A committee was formed for the adult event and the planning took off like the wind. This was going to be formal occasion with a live band. The expectation was that the event would be too large for our modest facility. A larger hall was reserved and the night was quickly turning into the Prom that many of these people hadn't attended. We hadn't even advertised, and non-church members were calling for information. It was quickly becoming the gay event of the summer and it was still spring. We had instantly gone from virtually no programming in the summer to two dances and a canoe trip.
I needed to be careful of my schedule. As a teacher, the summer was Eric's down time. I didn't want to be so tied up in church business that I couldn't enjoy some time with him. We needed to make some plans of our own, but we had never done this before. It was time to get more proactive on the subject. On a Friday night after dinner we found ourselves alone. Jared was doing something with Nick.
"Eric, what are your ideas for the summer? We haven't discussed any thoughts about what you and I want to do."
"It sounds like you have things hopping at the church. I didn't know if you had much spare time," Eric almost whined.
Obviously I had waited too long to bring up this subject.
"All of the events have excellent people working on them. My job was to get the ball rolling. It would be good if I could attend the two dances, but my involvement at this moment is fairly minimal. I certainly wasn't planning on actually going on the canoe trip, either," I said, hoping to calm the waters.
Eric was still pouting. Somehow in my excitement I had missed how important this summer was to him. It was time to take another approach.
"Well, the things I enjoy doing in the summer," I began, "are traveling, working in the yard, entertaining friends and having some down time to lay around and read. What about you?"
"I've never done much traveling. I didn't want to go alone," he replied.
"Great! Where would you like to go? It would be tricky planning anything abroad at this late date, but anywhere in the states wouldn't be a problem," I added with energy, eager that he would pick up on it.
"I've always wanted to go to New England. Do you really think we could go?"
Hallelujah!
"I think that would be fantastic, Eric. I have a membership in the auto club. We can get some maps and brochures and decide what things we want to see and do."
"I expected you to be the type to just get in the car and drive there."
"I could do that, but the planning can be half the fun. When do you want shot for doing this," I asked.
"My summer is basically free. I'm not taking any summer school classes this year."
"How about right around the middle of July. It will be hot here and much cooler there. Then there would still be time for being lazy before you had to start back to school," I proposed.
I didn't get an answer because he was on top of me. We tumbled to the floor and were kissing and groping with a passion. I silently prayed that Jared didn't choose this moment to return home. I suspected that I was getting my reward for finally figuring out that this had been bothering him. I didn't even know I was in trouble, but if this was make-up sex, I wasn't going to quibble.
We spent the rest of the weekend planning and plotting our first trip together. Eric was on a mission. He researched Bed and Breakfasts run by gays, and calculated travel times between them. We realized that we both enjoyed historical sites, but also wanted to do some more exciting activities as well. We reluctantly, but jointly decided that we would leave New York for another time. We eventually determined that we would need three weeks to do what we wanted to do. I didn't think the church would have a problem with that. I was given four weeks vacation a year and hadn't taken any yet. The excitement was contagious and we could both hardly wait.
The mood was dampened Sunday evening when Paul called and asked if he could come over to talk with us. Eric reluctantly agreed. I had stayed out of the conversation so that it was primarily Eric's decision. Paul arrived shortly there after and the atmosphere in the room was definitely chilly. I almost pitied Paul for what he was about to face.
"Eric," Paul began, "I want to begin by apologizing for my actions that night. I also want to apologize for pretending to accept you all those years when I truly didn't."
Eric made no response.
"I also want to thank you for everything you have done for Jared. I don't know where he, or any of us would have ended up if you hadn't been there for him."
Eric refused to even look at Paul directly. I was staying out of it for the time being.
"I had no right hitting Steve. He hadn't done anything to deserve that. There is no excuse for any of my behavior that night," Paul continued.
Eric was still silent, but he was visually playing something through that mind of his.
"Eric, I remember your father. I'm sure I must have appeared to be a reincarnation of him that night."
That opened the gates. Eric was weeping. Paul was hanging in there; I'll give him that.
"I know that I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness, but I would like a chance to prove to you that I am trying to change."
"Or is this just act two," Eric finally was able to say.
"I imagine that everyone has that assumption," Paul replied. "I'm not asking you to trust me. I have to earn that, but is there anyway we can at least explore what it would take to reunite this family?"
"You don't want me around," Eric responded with uncharacteristic anger. "I'm only a necessity to getting back with my sister."
The bluntness of Eric's reply caught Paul off guard. The gifted communicator was stymied. He finally recovered.
"You're wrong Eric, although I understand why you feel that way. Yes, I want to get back with Carol and yes you are a necessity to doing that. But it goes even deeper than that. Only if I accept you can I come to accept what Jared will be, and if I can't accept that, then I will eventually lose him again anyway. So you see, Eric, I desperately want to accept you."
The last remarks had hit some target because I could see Eric considering what Paul had said.
"You have hurt my nephew, my sister and my lover. I'm not finished being angry with you yet."
"I can live with that, but wouldn't it be best to let that anger out on me, the person who deserves it?"
Paul really struck pay dirt with that comment. Eric and I had talked about forgiveness before. When we hold on to the anger, it usually redirects itself to somewhere or someone else. In Eric's case, I was convinced that most unresolved anger was directed inward. He had told me about times of severe depression and on more than one occasion of having to be on antidepressants. My one hope was that whatever happened with Paul's assumed attempt to change, that Eric's anger would either get resolved or would be focused on Paul alone.
"Why," was the only word Eric was able to choke out through the emotion.
"Are you ready to hear this," Paul asked.
Eric nodded his head. I held my breath. I had no idea where Paul was headed and it made me extremely nervous.
"I met Carol while we were in college and I was immediately attracted to her. We began dating and we both got serious pretty quickly. I met you when I came home with her for Thanksgiving. You hadn't come out yet at that time. What I remember is being very jealous of Carol's relationship with you. She adored you. She still does. You father was truly a piece of work. He seemed so bitter and resentful that I tried to steer clear of him the whole weekend. I did learn two important facts on that trip. I would never be the only man in Carol's life because of you. Furthermore, any relationship with her required at least pretending as if I liked you. I didn't even suspect you were gay and I was already starting the act."
These were new revelations for Eric, as evidenced by the look on his face. Paul sounded honest in painting a picture that was definitely not intended to make himself look good.
"Then," Paul started again, "when you came out to your parents and your father flipped out, Carol's protective attitude toward you became abundantly clear. In high school, I ran with a crowd that made fun of gays. We never physically hurt anybody, but we were cruel in other ways. You had to have that attitude to fit in with the gang. Now the girl that I loved had a brother who was gay. I knew I had to keep my mouth shut, but I resented the attention she gave you and especially for the reason she gave it to you."
"I guess I always suspected that you didn't like me. I had no idea the resentment was that deep and for that long," Eric almost whispered.
"I can't even say I don't like you. I intentionally never really got to know you. Even now, I know you teach science at Sommerset, but I don't know what grade. In fact, I know almost nothing about who you are."
I think Eric was stunned. I don't know what he anticipated, but I don't believe that this was it. Paul picked up the baton again. He seemed intent on finishing this story.
"Eric, we have never talked, just the two of us. I even try to arrange it so that we aren't even alone together if I can help it. Sunday dinner is pretty much the extent of our relationship. What do you know about me?"
"I know that your father died when you were very young and your mother died when you were twelve," Eric began. "You went to live with a widowed aunt who took you according to your parents' will, but you were more an imposition than anything else. She never loved you, and since the day you left her house for college, you have never returned. The only communication you have with her is exchanging Christmas cards, which I'm sure Carol sends. You were a good student in college but partied more than studied. You have worked for two companies, and although you have real skills, you prefer getting by on your looks and your charm. You do love Carol, but I think you are obsessed with molding Jared to be exactly like you."
It was Paul's turn to be astonished.
"You are an observant little shit aren't you," Paul said with definite surprise.
"Paul," I said, "quiet people are often observant. When they're not talking, they're probably listening."
"You are right about Jared, too. I've wanted nothing from him more than to grow up to be just like me."
Silence hung in the room like a cloud. The tension had decreased considerably, somewhat surprisingly. A lot of family history had been dumped out, and everyone appeared a little shell-shocked. I was beginning to believe that Paul was being honest.
"I would say that this has been a very informative evening," I added. Where do we go from here?"
"I would say that is up to Eric," Paul said.
Eric was still deep in thought. I feared there was too much new information to be processed in one sitting, but that man continues to amaze me.
"I can't make any promises or guarantees," Eric said tentatively. "I am still angry, but I won't oppose your attempt at a reconciliation with Jared. But let me warn you, if you screw this up I'll never give you another chance."
"This will be one more chance than I ever thought I would get," Paul stated with a sense of relief. "I'm not going to let you down Eric. I may not be able to convince Jared that I have changed, but it won't be for a lack of trying."
I sat there with my jaw dropped as Eric held out his hand to Paul. Paul took it eagerly, and they clasped hands firmly. Paul actually had tears in his eyes. If this man was acting I was ready to award him an Oscar. But it was Eric who truly astounded me. I knew he was far from completely accepting Paul's entire story, and yet he was willing to take such a huge step toward reconciling with the man who only hours ago had been his fiercest enemy.
We were anticipating Jared's return soon and I didn't want him to be surprised by his father's presence. Commenting that it was getting late, I hinted that it was time to draw this session to a close. We were emotionally drained as it was. I think Paul picked up on my motivation because he quickly moved to leave. It was evident that he had received far more tonight than he anticipated. As I watched he and Eric trade social pleasantries, I noticed that his face seemed different. He looked younger than I remembered him appearing. I began to realize that it was the first time I had seen him look happy. Then he did something that took my breath away. He turned to me and flashed me one of the grins that I had come to adore from Jared. Father and son didn't normally look alike, but in that instant, the genetic link was clear.
I became aware that I had physically shuddered. Paul had moved to leave so he didn't notice, but it made me wonder about what I had witnessed. The thought of Jared having a sinister side was repulsive to me. How alike were these two men who had been thrust into my life? What did Jared's future hold? So much had happened in a short amount of time. My life was radically changed that night I attended the Sommerset School Board meeting.
Paul left and Jared came home, barely missing one another. Fortunately, Jared was still too keyed up about his evening with Nick to notice any residual tension in the air. As we listened to him recount the events of his day, Eric and I gradually slipped back into our normal postures. By the time Jared had wound down and was ready for bed, it almost felt as if nothing had happened. But something had happened, and Eric and I hadn't had any time to discuss it. A part of me wanted to leave the events of our evening under wraps, but I also knew that it wouldn't be any easier to talk about later. We both went through our nightly routines and found each other in the middle of the bed.
"Eric, I can't begin to imagine how difficult our conversation with Paul must have been for you."
"It can't have been easy for you either," he replied gazing into my eyes.
"No. It wasn't. But it wasn't my family history being rewritten right in front of me. I know how unpleasant it is to even talk about your father."
"Although it was troubling to hear many of the things he has to say, in a way it all started to answer some questions I didn't even realize I had been asking."
"What kind of questions, babe?"
"Well for starters, it explains why I always believed he didn't like me. I never thought about him being jealous of my relationship with Carol. She's been all I had for so long, I never considered the implications for her marriage," he said wistfully.
"Eric, there's a difference in being responsible in a relationship and being responsible for that relationship. I can't see how you have done anything inappropriate. Any problems between Paul and Carol are just that; between Paul and Carol."
"I'm still concerned about Jared. He's so vulnerable right now, and Paul's intensity can be overwhelming."
"I know what you mean," I agreed. "Even if Paul's intentions are genuine, he's going to have to be careful that he doesn't run over Jared in his push to win back his son."
"You didn't want him to win Jared back, did you Steve?"
"I can't replace my sons with someone else's son. Jared needs his father's acceptance if it truly is there."
"But what about your needs," he asked.
"Everything I need is right here in my arms. Eric you have made my life complete. I didn't think I would ever be this happy again. I love you, Eric Andrews."
"We may have been together a relatively short period of time, but when I think about this evening, I can't envision a scenario where I make it through if it hadn't been for you. I love you, Steve Williams."
Our emotions were still raw from the battering they had received, so we held each other closely until we both drifted off to sleep.
The usual quiet Monday morning at the church was replaced with people scurrying around making plans for one dance or the other. It occurred to me that it was a little odd that they hadn't had a dance before now. I was curious, so I asked Loren to come into my office.
"Loren, I'm glad everyone is so excited about the upcoming dances, but it made me wonder why an event like this hasn't been planned previously."
"That's because you can't know what the church was like before you arrived. Everything was focused on gay issues of one kind or another. I suppose that everyone assumed that since we were all gay, that that aspect of who we are was the only thing we had in common. You've helped us see that we can't limit our understanding of ourselves by only looking at our sexuality. Yes, they will be gay dances, but we're having a dance because people like to have fun. We're doing something normal. You have helped us to feel normal."
"But you are normal. We're all normal," I insisted.
"Hey, you're preaching to the choir now. I can stand here in a lavender silk jumpsuit and feel normal. That wasn't true before you came to Metropolitan."
It was true that I lacked the perspective of knowing the church before my arrival. The thought of considering myself or anyone else unacceptable for being who they were was simply not an option. It was true that the one message I tried to hammer home was that we might be the victims of hate, prejudice or ignorance, but we were not victims of our own sexuality.
I finished up most of the items on my long to-do list. The `devil is in the details' is a phrase that is especially true in churches. I wanted to start a summer Bible study, but I didn't want there to be any possible conflicts with our trip to New England. I settled for a short series of issue-oriented talk back sessions and left it at that. This was not a time in my life for over commitment. I discovered I was staring out the window. I do enjoy spring. Eric had planted a flowerbed outside my window so that I had a nicer view. It also reminded me of him quite often. A bright spring day is usually good for lifting my spirits. What I couldn't get out of my mind was Paul's grin from last night. I assumed the gesture itself emerged from his relief in how the evening had transpired, especially with Eric. But something was bothering me. I hate it when my mind picks up on some kind of a warning signal, but I can't read it. I finally decided that for now I would have to interpret my uneasiness to a concern about whether Paul was being up front with us.
Loren paged me to say that I had a call from a Mr. Baxter.
"This is Steve William. How may I help you?"
"Rev. Williams, my name is Tom Baxter. I believe you know an employee of mine, Paul Langley."
"Yes I do, Mr. Baxter."
"Please call me Tom," he requested.
"Then please call me Steve," I returned.
"Steve, Paul was talking about a canoeing and camping trip your church is planning."
"Yes, we are in the initial stages of putting one together."
"Will this be for church members only," he asked.
"No, the programs at Metropolitan are open to anyone."
"I would like to assist with this program and ask if my grandson might attend."
"How old is your grandson?"
"He's sixteen and a sophomore. He doesn't live here, but it would be no problem having him available."
"I'll get you some information to show him as soon as we have things organized," I replied.
"One more thing, Steve. I would like to underwrite this trip. I deeply appreciate what you are doing at your church."
"Thank you very much. That will allow us to offer the trip to youth who don't have much or any family support."
"On another note, I am aware that your are working with Paul and his son. I also know you can't talk about that with me, but I wanted you to know that I see a real change in Paul Langley."
"That's good to here, Tom," I said.
"What is perhaps the most convincing is that it isn't only his attitude about that one subject which seems to be changing. Paul has never been what you would call sensitive. Several employees have commented lately, though, about how considerate he has been. It's as if he is seeing things from other people's point of view for the first time."
"Thank you for telling me that."
"Keep me informed about the canoe trip and keep up the good work."
I hung up the phone in somewhat of a daze. The financial support for the trip would be a tremendous help. I had already decided we would need to at least have scholarships for some of the boys. However, the fact that really had mind head in a spin was Tom Baxter's comments about Paul. I knew a little about this man from being in the community. The word was that he smart and tough. He made it to the top by perseverance and tenacity. He wouldn't be the easiest man to fool. My own feelings on the subject continued to be clouded. I wasn't sure what I believed and even less sure of what I wanted the end result to be.
My indecision was to face an immediate challenge, when Carol Langley walked into my office. I knew instinctively where this conversation was headed.
"Steve, do you have a few minutes?"
"Sure, Carol, come in."
"We've never had a chance for the two of us to sit down and talk. It's amazing how many things we let go unsaid."
"Sometimes we assume people know what we are thinking," I stated.
"I want you to know how pleased I am for you and Eric. You are so good for him. I don't think he has ever been this happy."
"I'm pretty happy, too," I affirmed.
"The two of you have faced more than your share of hardship in a relatively short relationship so far. What with the school board and the shooting, and now Paul."
"The result I think is that we have become very close because of it," I said.
She became very quiet. I sensed that she had to work herself up to the big issue.
"Jared thinks the world of you. I think in some ways he would rather stay with you and Eric than move home," she said wistfully.
"Jared is at a very turbulent stage in his life. Even without the added emotions of his coming out, it's a difficult time.
"You have a nice way of expressing things. I've noticed that about you," she said and then paused. " I suppose you already know why I'm really here?"
"I wondered if you were here to talk about what it would take to get Jared home," I answered.
"Paul and I both want him to come home. Paul said we shouldn't rush him, that we should wait until he was sure he wanted to return."
"The two of you are his parents, not Eric and I. We don't technically have any authority in this regard. But I assume you are asking for my opinion and my support."
"I think we need both. In fact I'm convinced, given the respect that Jared has for you, that no homecoming will work without your support," she said looking me straight in the eye.
I was precisely in a position I try to avoid. It was mostly unavoidable because of my relationship with Eric, but I still disliked being in the middle of a family dispute.
"What have the two of you discussed as to how to accomplish this," I posed.
"We were thinking of a family meeting with both you and Eric there. Perhaps Jared would feel more comfortable if the meeting was at your house. If the five of us got together, we could talk about where everyone wants to go from here."
"That might be dangerous opening up too many possibilities. You want to be careful to not propose something that isn't feasible. Jared is already skeptical."
"I though that perhaps in that setting, Jared might feel free to state what he needs to feel comfortable at home again," she suggested.
"I believe we probably need to set some ground rules before Jared is involved. The stakes are too high to raise his expectations if they can't be met," I countered.
"So, are you suggesting the four of us meet to consider how to approach Jared?"
"I believe that would be am important preliminary step before involving Jared," I responded.
"How soon could we do this?"
"I would have to talk with Eric. He isn't going to be too happy with this proposal," I added.
"Talk with him and let me know what he says. You can tell him that it's very important to me."
"I'll let you know what he's comfortable doing."
I was right, of course. Eric hated the idea. Only his affection for his sister kept him from refusing. We both recognized that the best thing for Jared was to be at home with reconciled relationships with both parents. Neither one of us, however, was excited about being a direct part of that reconciliation process. We did set a time for the four of us to meet.
When the evening came for our little powwow, Eric and I were even less sure that this was a good idea. They had agreed to come to our house. Neither of us had been back to the Langley house since that fateful night. Jared was out with Nick, which kept him away from the fray. We began with the usual pleasantries although the conversation was a bit stilted. I decided we might as well get down to business.
"Paul, Carol, I think it is only fair to tell you that Eric and I are still somewhat uncomfortable with this situation. I'm not sure that there is anything to be done about that but to proceed. Tell us what your thinking is at this point."
"Steve, Eric," Carol said tentatively. "Paul and I appreciate all that you have done. I know we don't really have the right to ask you to help us with our problem, but I also believe you want what is best for Jared."
"We are committed to that goal," Eric stated.
"I feel that we are ready to try to get this family back together again," Carol said. "I understand your reservations and I am grateful that you are still willing to meet with us. I fear that Jared will not be as willing as the two of you."
"Carol, we have intentionally not said anything to Jared about this meeting or the possibility of him sitting down to talk about this with you," I added. "I can't know for sure what his response would be, but I suspect you are right to have concerns."
"He would do it if you suggested it," Paul countered.
Carol shot him a glance that was difficult to read. If Paul's statement was more blunt than she had hoped, it didn't seem to alter where we were headed. She picked up where he had ended.
"We don't mean to imply that we want you to talk Jared into this. If the suggestion were to come from you, though, he would be more receptive I imagine."
"My concern is that we not push Jared too quickly," I responded. "He is naturally going to be defensive. We need to work at not intensifying that feeling."
"Just how slowly do you think we have to go," Paul asked brusquely.
The tension in the room went up several notches with Paul's last statement. Eric appeared ready to bolt. We were dealing with more than Jared's living arrangements here.
"Paul, the understanding was that you wanted our support," I said directly to him. "This isn't a battle over Jared's affections."
"Isn't it?" Paul was glaring at me. "You don't want Jared to come back home with us. You want him to stay here."
"Paul, stop it right this minute," Carol shouted.
"No. Let him continue. Let's here what he really thinks," I said. "Go on, Paul, say what you want to say."
"You want Jared for your own son. You worked it so that Jared would trust you. You want him to replace the sons you lost."
I could hear both Eric and Carol gasp. Everyone was speechless for a moment as we reacted to Paul's outburst. Eric started to stand. I don't know what he was planning to do, but I gently squeezed his forearm, and he sat down again.
"Paul," I said, "I suspect you are finally being honest. If that's what you want, then let's go balls to the wall here. I have quickly come to love Jared as a son. I will also admit that I have serious reservations about whether or not you are fit to be a father. Any father who would throw his son away like garbage has no idea of the responsibility it takes to raise a child. You fear that you might lose Jared, but you have no concept of what it means to lose a son, none the less two. You are the one who screwed up, and if Jared doesn't see himself forgiving you, it will be your fault and yours alone. You cannot blame your bigoted, short- sighted actions on me."
Paul's face was crimson as he stood in response to my tirade. I stood with him face to face.
"Are you going to take a swing at me again," I asked. "Is that how you settle your problems, with your fists?"
"I'm not going to hit you, but I am going to fight for my son. I want him back. I made a mistake and I'm paying for that, but you aren't going to keep him from me."
"Do you really want me back?"
We all turned to see Jared standing in the doorway. In our heated exchange, we had not heard him come home early from his date with Nick. The room had gone from angry shouting to complete silence. Finally, Paul spoke.
"Yes, Jared, I want you back. You are my son, and even if I haven't acted like it, I love you. Will you come back home and give me another chance?"
Jared began to cry as he slowly nodded his head. Paul crossed the room in a flash and embraced his son. Both father and son were visibly weeping as they held desperately to each other. I turned and caught Carol's attention, giving her a nod I assumed she would understand. She walked to the two men, hugged them both, and suggested that they go home now. Paul and Jared started immediately for the door. Carol followed them with me after her. As I held the door for her, she gave me a sad smile, hesitating as if she had something to say. Then, deciding against it, she turned and walked out to the car where Jared and Paul were waiting for her.
When I returned to the living room, Eric was gone. Had my actions pushed him too far? Once again, I was so intent on what I was doing that I hadn't considered the implications for him or for us. When Paul finally let out his real feelings, I instinctively followed through with them. If I had known Jared was there, I never would have jumped on Paul's declaration. I knew I was gambling when I did it, but the stakes were too high to intentionally do it in front of Jared. It appeared, however, that Jared heard what he needed to hear; that his father still wanted him. It's difficult for a young man not to want his father's acceptance, whatever the circumstances. I only hoped that Paul was willing to give Jared the real acceptance he needed.
But what about Eric and me? Had our encounter tonight formed a wedge that might eventually come between Eric and his sister? Had my insistence on doing what I felt needed to be done damaged my relationship with Eric? I had a foreboding feeling that this evening would change many things.
I started searching for Eric. He wasn't in the kitchen or the dining room. He wasn't anywhere downstairs. I went up to our room, but he wasn't there either. I then noticed that the door to the spare room where Jared had been staying was shut. When I went to open it, I discovered it was locked.
"Eric, please talk to me. I know you're upset."
There was no response. I was exhausted and spent. There was no telling how long Eric was going to stay locked in that room. I didn't even have a guess at what I thought he might want me to do. I remained by the door for a while and then decided to go back downstairs. I didn't foresee sleeping, but especially not in `our' bed. An hour later, I lay down on the couch. I must have eventually fallen asleep, because I awoke the next morning with a crushing headache. After looking around, I discovered that Eric had slipped away sometime while I was asleep, probably already at school.
I felt hung over, but worse emotionally. It bothered me that Eric chose not to even confront me. Our relationship, which seemed so vibrant and intense a mere day ago, now appeared perilously flat. The thought jumped into my mind that I wished I hadn't given up the lease on my apartment. Surely our relationship wasn't over? If he needed space to deal with what had happened, then I would give him space. As I went through my morning routine, I collected a few things I would need in case my staying here was going to be a problem. As I left to go to the office, I looked back at the house that had become my home. I certainly hoped I would be back.
I drove to the church deep in thought. Loren knew something was wrong the instant I arrived. Following me into my office, Loren began inquiring.
"Steve, what's wrong. Excuse me for saying it, but you look awful."
"It was an especially bad night," I replied.
"Can you tell me about it?"
Loren had always been inquisitive with a natural curiosity and genuine concern. But with experience had come the awareness that sometimes there were issues that we couldn't discuss.
"Paul and Carol came over last night to talk with Eric and Me."
"Oh, this doesn't sound good at all," Loren said.
"Paul and I got into a shouting match concerning Jared. It became pretty intense. Jared walked in on us and heard the argument. Fortunately, what he heard was that his father wanted him back and was willing to fight to get him back. Father and son had a tearful reunion and the family went home together."
"That sounds like good news, isn't it," Loren asked.
"Ultimately, it is good news. However, in the process, Eric became very upset and he wouldn't talk to me about it."
"So you're saying that everything worked out for the Langley's but not for you and Eric," Loren posed.
"Something like that."
I didn't want to go into detail, but Loren caught the gist of what my problem was. A gentle hug communicated the support that was there for me. Eric was my lover, but Loren was my best friend. I knew I wouldn't be able to accomplish much in my present state of mind, but at least the tasks were a distraction. I suspected Loren was screening my calls, as the morning went very quietly. Loren pleaded for me to go along with them for lunch, but I wanted more time to myself. As many visitors as I have over the noon hour, you'd think I would learn that it was unlikely I would have the time alone.
I must have been deep in thought because I didn't hear anyone come into the office. I was startled then when I looked up to see Paul Langley standing in the doorway. He was perhaps the last person I expected to see.
"Steve, is it all right if I come in?"
"Uh, - OK, - yes, come in," I managed to finally say.
"Steve, we have been through so much together that it doesn't feel as odd as I thought it might being here today."
"We definitely have a history together," I said in as non- committal a tone as possible.
"Carol and I talked well into the morning after coming home last night. I think we understand what you did."
"What did I do?"
"You intentionally fought with me so that I could realize how much my son meant to me. By making me fight for him, it was clear I would do anything for him."
"I can't say I planned that," I responded.
"But you knew it while it was happening, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"You do love Jared."
"Most certainly," I choked out as an answer.
"I'm sorry for what I said about your sons. After all you've done, you definitely didn't deserve that."
"Paul, is there something specific you wanted to say," I asked.
The possible sacrifice I may have made for his family was not making me very receptive to whatever was on his mind.
"I assumed you would be angry with me. I don't know what I expected by coming here today," he said.
"Paul, you have your wife and your son, what else do you want from me?"
The bitterness of my statement surprised even me.
"I'm not here to ask for anything. I wish I had something to offer, but I guess there's not anything you would probably accept from me at this point. I wanted you to know that I understand what you did, and that I'll never be able to repay you."
I realized I had absolutely nothing to say. I looked away, more to keep him from seeing the tears forming in my eyes. Paul took the hint and left. When he was gone, I broke down and cried once again. I had to get out of there. I went to my car and started driving.
I was headed nowhere in particular. I just wanted the solitude of my Mustang. I eventually stopped at a park beside a river and sat down on the bank, throwing rocks into the water. With each pebble, the ripples spread out in every direction. As I watched the changing shapes on the surface of the water, I reflected on the state of my life. Waves of grief from past and present losses flooded over me. I laid back and looked at the cloudless sky. I recognized a life- long pattern of anticipating the worse case scenario, but I couldn't help fearing that I was about to lose another family. Tears came yet again. Would there ever be enough tears? I don't know how long I laid there, but I realized that it had become dark. A fog began to form and it felt like a warm blanket enveloping me. The colors faded as everything around me was bathed in a comfortable grayness. I understood the signs of depression because I had faced them before. I knew that I should be doing something else, but I wanted the quiet stillness of the night. The stillness was broken by a voice from somewhere behind me.
"Steve?"
I wanted to stay hidden in the fog, but I knew that wouldn't be possible.
"Steve, it's Larry. Are you here?"
"I'm over hear, Larry. Down by the river bank."
Larry followed my voice through the fog until he was standing over me. He held out his hand and I took it. He lifted me to my feet and into a tight embrace.
"Oh Steve," he said compassionately. "It's time to go home, buddy."
"I'm not sure where home is anymore, Larry."
"I know, I know"
And with his arm still wrapped around my shoulder, he guided me up the bank. There was a police car parked behind my car. We walked to Larry's Explorer where he opened the passenger door for me.
"What about my car?"
"It will be taken care of, don't you worry," he said soothingly.
I was embarrassed that I had caused a commotion. I didn't think about Loren worrying because I was gone. I just wanted to be alone for a while.
"Loren actually called you to go looking for me," I asked.
"Yes. As you can imagine, Loren is fit to be tied."
"I'm sorry, Larry. I didn't mean to be a problem," I whimpered.
"Don't worry about it, Steve. Everything is all right now."
He reached over and gently squeezed my hand. There was no question in my mind what had made Loren fall in love with this man. As we drove through the city streets, I became aware that we were headed to Eric's house.
"Larry, I don't think this is a good idea. Can't we go somewhere else?"
"Loren is at Eric's place. That's where we are expected."
Now I was truly embarrassed. I couldn't see how it was going to appear like anything but a silly ploy on my part to make Eric feel sorry for me. I only wanted to be alone. I was sure that there was no way I would be able to talk Larry out of taking me to Eric's house As we left the river behind us, the fog also thinned. The stark reality of the circumstances was vividly clear. This was quickly turning into one of those experiences that can only be endured. As we pulled up in front of the house, I shuddered.
"Larry, I don't want to go in there," I pleaded.
"I know, Steve. I know. But everything is going to be all right. Trust me, OK?"
We walked up the sidewalk and on to the porch. Loren met us at the door looking relieved. Loren gave me a quick hug and pulled me into the house. Eric stood when we entered the room. He looked at me and then immediately stared at his feet. Meanwhile, I was examining the grain in the hardwood floors.
"Larry, if you wouldn't mind taking me home," Loren said.
Both Eric and I turned to object, but Loren was already walking toward the door. We stood mute as they silently departed. I decided as long as I was here I might as well face the music.
"Eric, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the awkward position I've put you in tonight and I'm sorry about the position I put you in last night. I'm - I'm sorry."
"Steve, I'm - confused. I'm still not sure I understand what happened last night. I was angry and hurt. But I had no right to shut you out. I understand if you want to leave. They shouldn't have forced you to come back here."
"Eric, I truly wasn't avoiding you. The very same feelings I experienced after my family's car wreck came over me again. I felt like I was losing everything. Jared. You. All I could think of was here I go again. It was more than I could handle."
"Steve, I know Jared has become very important to you. Just because he's back home doesn't mean you've lost him."
"I think it had to do with how everything transpired. In the heat of the moment it's as if everyone had to choose. It felt like no one chose me," I said almost in a whisper.
"Steve, that isn't true. I understand why you felt that way, but I do chose you."
"What if it means losing your sister? Can you really make that choice? I didn't intend for last night to lead to a showdown, but it may have."
"Steve, Carol is an important past of my past, but I want you to be an important part of my future. If after everything you've been through for the sake of my family, you still want me, then I'm yours. Part of what I was afraid of last night was that you would be so devastated about losing Jared that you would blame me. I know I did a lousy job of showing it, but I was afraid of losing you."
We both crossed the few feet that had been separating us and tentatively reached out for each other. How many times can a young relationship get shaken without falling apart? It seemed like we were always recovering from something. As I held him in my arms, I prayed that we had the strength to get through this. I needed him. I loved him.
Comments are appreciated. bccccand@netscape.net