Memory

MEMORY by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on December 6, 1992 translated by the author English text kindly revised by Baruch

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"MEMORY" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

Fourth - C四ine: A Relationship Renewed.

In the subsequent days, Nicola visited Gilberto frequently. One time his friend said Silvia called, and he asked her to stop.

One evening they went to the theatre to see "Henry IV" by Pirandello. During the break, while they were at the refreshment stand, a stranger approached.

"Ferri! Gilberto Ferri! How are you my old friend?"

"I'm sorry, but... I cannot recollect whom you are..."

"Oh, yes, please forgive me... I understand. You haven't yet recovered? Evidently not... I am Carlo, the husband of Marilena, Silvia's sister. You remember Silvia, don't you?"

"No, but I know whom she is. She came to see me..."

"You are together, again? It makes me happy. I told her it wasn't possible for the two of you to split up!"

"Yes, however... would you tell me what happened between us? She is always so vague, and I can't recall..."

"Ah... I think it would be better if she explained it to you... Besides, we have little knowledge... She wasn't forthcoming, not even with her sister, my wife, who by the way, is also here. Wait a moment, while I go fetch her, she will be delighted to see you."

"Please, I don't feel like it, at present. I am with friends, and... Well, at least, sketch out what was the problem between the two of us... It could prove useful if I had more details."

"I'm not sure. I believe you quarrelled, she remarked she didn't want to have anything further to do with you, but, as you indicated, she visited... At times, when one is angry, he, or she, says more than they mean. All I am certain of is somehow Angelo was involved."

"Angelo?"

"Yes, my brother-in-law, my wife and her sister's younger sibling. He is, at present, working abroad in Belgium."

"Uh, really? And, since when?"

"A couple of months ago."

"Exactly when I had my car accident."

"Yes, right... What a coincidence!"

Gilberto asked the man some other questions before the two said their goodbyes. Nicola observed his friend who was in deep thoughts. Then, he seemed to get hold of himself, with his usual smile reappearing.

"Who knows what happened? This chance incident piqued my interest."

"Telling Silvia to leave you in peace, left you in the dark."

"I disagree, she would only have related what was of interest to her!"

"You can't be sure."

"Perhaps, not. However, I believe I'm right. As I've previously declared, although I've lost my memory, I am able to read in others, their intentions, their thoughts... or almost. Don't you think it possible?"

"Well... I have no clue... It could be a kind of compensation... It might occur, as you say."

"At present, I contemplate what I am... who I am. Yes, they told me I was Gilberto Ferri, alright. But, as long as I haven't discovered whom this person is, the name remains nothing but a label glued on an empty container in the shape of a human being. At times, gazing at my reflection, I feel detached from it. I look at the mirror and make faces, which I carefully examine..."

"And, what do you see?"

"A handsome man!"

"Yes, sure, good looking and?"

"I remain befuddled. I am greater than my body and mind... there is more to me than my memory, because if it were so, I wouldn't be what I was, at least for now. Therefore, the possibility exists of a soul, which taken together with the physical and the mental, provides a bridge between my past and my present."

"Even if you forgot everything, your upbringing dominates whom you become, don't you agree?"

"Perhaps, but my prior history no longer exists, therefore it can't influence what happens today."

"Although comprising but a few weeks, you are generating a new legacy, made up of other data to learn, elaborate, use."

"Yes, in some way a different chronicle is being generated. And in this version you are my most important person. Do you realize I saw you prior to observing myself! You are of great significance to me, my young friend, are you aware?"

"I think I am... I believe I understand."

"Moreover, the doctors told me if you hadn't immediately called for the ambulance, they probably couldn't have saved me. Therefore, I owe you my life."

"Nonsense! It was simple chance I was there. A quirk of fate."

"Yes, of course. Anyway I asked myself what I feel towards you. I hope you won't take offense, Nicola, but I'm not thankful. At times, I tell myself I should have gratitude, but I don't! However, what exists, is a great affection. I indicated you are the most important person in my life. If, and when, I will remember my past I might feel appreciation... or, else, I could get angry... Perhaps, but, for the moment, I'm experiencing true fondness."

"Esteem can be of much more value, don't you think?"

"Yes, I agree!" Nicola nodded, and they smiled at each other, gazing eye-to-eye for a short, tender moment.

After the play ended, they returned to Gilberto 's apartment.

"It's late, I must go home."

"That's a pity, my friend. Whenever you depart, I become lonely. If we were brothers we would not separate so often, we might even live together."

"Yes. But, now I have to leave. Good night, Gil."

"Bye, until tomorrow?"

"In the morning I need to be at the university. I will come in the afternoon."

"Alright. I'll be waiting."

They met practically every day, enjoying each other's company. The student had to exert constant self-control over his emotions so as not to show them. The attraction for Gilberto grew stronger by the day. Finally, his buddy gave him a set of keys so Nicola could enter at any time, slipping in without needing to ring the doorbell.

When Easter came, Nicola's family invited Gilberto for lunch so he wouldn't spend the day alone. Then arrived April twenty-third, Nicola's twenty-second birthday. His friend gave him a computer.

"You spent a lot of money! You didn't have to..."

"I know you wanted it, and I discovered several millions in my bank account, plus stocks and investments worth an equal amount. I also uncovered a safe deposit box. I don't know what's in it. I would like us to check it together."

"With me?"

"Yes, if you don't mind!"

"Are you afraid you will find something untoward?"

"Possibly. Would you accompany me tomorrow morning?"

"As you like."

"Will it be alright for you to skip school?"

"Sure!"

So the following morning they went, entered the vault, and the clerk and Gilberto unlocked the box with two sets of keys. The friends took the big metal container into a private room. Opening it, they found a case with jewels and gold items, possibly family heirlooms. In addition, there was a deed to a small villa on Lake Garda and an envelope. Opening it, the banker found a document. He browsed through it, before handing the paper to his companion. The student discovered it was the last will of his mate. As he didn't have family, he left all his possessions to a certain C四ine Dubois, of Lyon, France. It also contained the woman's address.

"C四ine... isn't her inscription on that book?"

"Yes, it is!"

"She had to be an important person in your life, if you named her your sole heir."

"It appears so."

"It could be worth we go to Lyon to meet her, don't you agree?"

Gilberto smiled, "Would you come?"

"Oh, sorry... I said so without thinking.... I meant you should visit her."

"No, no! I refuse to go there alone, but with you! When can you go?"

"So, you want me to come?"

"Absolutely! What date?"

"You must write her."

"Yes, I will send her a letter, asking if we may meet her. I intend to describe what happened. Upon receipt of her reply we can decide if and when to go. Is it alright?"

"Yes, sure, it's fine."

Then, they left the bank.

"I'm quite comfortable, with all I discovered I own, I could almost live on my private holdings. The thought of returning to work leaves me cold. I don't feel like working with people remembering my past and knowing things about me I can't recall."

"I am able to grasp your meaning. From what you have gone through, it would be understandable if you asked for a transfer."

"No, I won't. At least, not for the moment. Anyway, I got three more months of sick leave."

"Aren't you bored without anything to occupy you during the day except to think, to ruminate..."

"Yes, a little. Only when you are here I'm not bored. But, you are already spending too much of your time with me. You should put more effort into your studies which I distract you from, making me feel selfish..."

"Well... I could do my homework here at your place, sometimes..."

"Yes, that is a good idea!"

So, Nicola started studying at his friend's home. At times, he took a break, while his pal made coffee. They chatted for awhile, after which the student resumed his lessons.

C四ine answered the letter. She wrote she regretted her friend's accident and awaited their visit. She included her number, asking them to inform her a few days before coming, in order for her to prepare, adding she had a guest room where they could stay. In addition, she enclosed her picture, which revealed her to be a pretty, slender fortyish woman with an honest appearance and pleasing smile.

Thus, at the beginning of May, after calling her, they went to Lyon by train. She awaited them at the station.

"Gilbert, what a pleasure! And, this must be Nicola... Welcome. Don't worry, my dear, if you can't remember anything. We will have time to talk. For the moment, know I am extremely happy to see you. And, I find you more charming than ever and calmer than our previous get together which pleases me!"

"When did we last meet?"

"One month before your accident."

"Is that when you give me the book with Moli俊e's play?"

"No, it was more than one year ago."

"You mentioned I appeared unsettled the last time... Do you know why?"

"Yes. We will talk about it later. I asked my publisher for a week off, so we could be together."

"Are you a writer?"

"No, I draw book illustrations. Here we are, this is my place. Come in, please. You, Gilbert, always felt at home... I hope it continues to be that way for you. Well, this is your room. You can see it's big enough for two. Put down your luggage and refresh yourselves. The bathroom is over there. Then, join me, I will make us good Italian coffee!"

Nicola observed the antique queen sized bed. A bolt of pleasure, mixed with worry, he would have to sleep next to his pal, surged through his body. On the other hand, his mate gave it no thought. While Gilberto was in the bathroom, the younger fellow tested the mattress then sat on its edge, in deep contemplation.

Could he sleep near this hunk without betraying his feelings? He would see his idol undress in front of him for the first time. What reaction might he have? Seeing his companion naked will arouse him. The very idea had the young guy hard, as he felt his member tent the front of his pants... Being dressed made it less noticeable, but when he stripped to retire for the night...

When Gilberto returned, Nicola rushed to the toilet. He quickly relieved himself, which solved his "pressing" problem. It gave him the answer to his night time dilemma, he would simply jerk off, again...

C四ine was waiting for them in the living room. She offered her visitors coffee and chocolates.

Then, with a broad smile, she remarked, "I presume you have a ton of questions to ask me..."

"Yes, and no..."

"Aren't you trying to reconstruct your past?"

"No, not really. But, from a document I found, I concluded you were important to me, therefore I decided to make an exception."

"And to reconstruct our relationship."

"Rightly so."

"I'm not surprised you aren't curious about your past. You always said that a person's past has no relevance to his present existence, besides in our memory. Further, what we remember is not necessarily how it occurred, but the way we choose to remember it...."

"Yes, indeed!"

"I... I don't feel you have changed, me dear."

"Really?"

"You wrote me about your amnesia. Alright, you are more at peace than the last time, as I told you. Good! Aside from that, I can feel in you and see in your eyes, and in your smile, the old Gilbert. You may trust me on my observations. And, it is not the affection I have for you which impels me to say so."

"I... it's as if we are meeting for the first time. Anyway... I like you."

"You have, from the beginning, seven years ago. Oh, no, don't think it, between you and me there ever was anything sexual. I'm telling you this, because you might ask yourself. The ties which bound us up to now were always on another level. It is a very strong emotion, as between a brother and a sister who really love each other!"

"Why was I upset the last time we met?"

"Should we discuss it now?"

"As you please. I didn't come here to search for my past, but to become reacquainted. If you think there are incidents you deem important for me to know, tell them, otherwise... don't."

"Very well, I will! However, I have some questions."

"Such as?"

"What effect does it have on you not possessing a past?"

"For the moment none! I am, at present, becoming reacquainted with my body. I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel as if I'm another individual whom people claim is me. It's not that I experience discomfort in my skin. I'm... satisfied with myself, if you see what I mean. But for instance, a few days ago I discovered a capped tooth. I couldn't recall how I got it, and it surprised me. Then, I checked for an appendicitis scar and saw nothing... Are you able to follow?"

"Yes. You always cared very much about your body. You considered it an important part of your being."

"A narcissist?"

"No, absolutely not! You showed a deep concern for your self and others. And, most of all, those closest to you."

"Turning to Moli俊e's book, there was a sentence underlined which reads 'at times he loves without being aware of it'. Who underlined it?"

"I did!"

"And... it referred to me?"

"Yes!"

"And, whom did I love without being aware?"

"A cohort you brought with you when you visited me."

"Did we talk about it?"

"No, I didn't think it right. But, I when I saw that passage, it was a kind of signal I thought of giving you."

"Did this person love me?"

"I believe so, but that person wasn't any more aware than you were."

"Can two people love each other without having a clue?"

"It happens. Especially when there are confounding factors, preventing us from looking inside ourselves. We are complex animals, we human beings, my dear fellow."

"I'm not feeling complex at all."

"Perhaps because you lost your memory and, with it, all the baggage our civilization and our culture burden us with or, at least, in part. You, for instance, remember French perfectly, it is not your mother-tongue, and also all the social conventions."

"But, I forgot everything having a direct personal reference to my past life, even the most simple items. I, on the other hand, remember all I learned at school, all I picked up during my life, which hasn't involved me personally. It's odd, isn't it?"

"I've no understanding of medicine or of psychology, but it seems plausible. However, we neglect poor Nicola... Since he arrived, he said nothing!"

"I am fascinated listening. I don't feel at all slighted."

"What I admire most concerning Nicola is his ability to accept me for myself, as I am. Everybody else, whom I meet, seems eager to find in me the former occupant, and they are disappointed not discovering such a person. It appears almost as if they reproach me, blame me for having lost my memory."

"I didn't know you before, therefore I have no merit in my behaviour!" the younger man said with a smile.

"Oh, it's certainly not the case, Nicola, believe me. Plenty of people, as they get acquainted with you, at once, try to dig into your history. They want to determine everything about you!" C四ine remarked.

"Of course, I might be the same, however I also understand Gil has amnesia, therefore I left him in peace. To me, Gil is whom he is today, now or, at least, after he overtook me on that bend and crashed. It was the point he appeared in my life, prior to then, he didn't exist!"

"Yes, it's true. But, usually, those tied to their past look with suspicion on anyone who has none, such as our mutual friend. Evidently, you are not such a guy!"

"And, you?" Gilberto asked her.

"I? No. "

"I don't know if I am actually divorced from what I experienced in earlier times." Nicola said. "In reality, specific occurrences strongly influence me. Some of my hopes, fears certainly have their roots in my earlier years. The fellow I am today arises from the youth of earlier times."

"Certainly, however, as much as I come from my father and my mother, I differ from them. Each evolves from what he did, but, in every instance, he, or she, is a new person who has to face an uncharted horizon, in a novel way. This is living." C四ine said. "Seasoning may be useful, but it shouldn't condition us more than that. If yesterday, for example, I was struck by a car, it can't keep me from crossing the street now, or in the future."

"But wouldn't you be more careful than previously?" the student asked her.

"Yes, at least for awhile. But it would be ridiculous to make too many restrictions... I may be wary of vehicles, until a tile falls on my head. I refuse to not traverse the boulevard simply because a bad thing happened previously. I won't live in fear of something unpredictable recurring."

"But, a burnt cat avoids fire." Nicola remarked.

"We aren't felines!" the woman laughingly retorted.

They went on chatting then C四ine prepared supper, after which they retired.

Nicola went to the bathroom to jerk off, as he had intended, before showering. He put on his pyjamas then entered the bed. His buddy followed suit, also reappearing in his nightwear. Then, he, too, slipped under the covers next to his pal. The young dude felt the warmth of the man's body, barely touching his own and, in spite of everything, became instantly aroused.

"C四ine is very pleasant, don't you think?"

"Yes, Gil, I like her."

"I'm happy I came here to become reacquainted... And, I'm also pleased it... it allows us to sleep together, to be able to nod off while chatting. I looked forward to this..."

Troubled, Nicola didn't answer.

Gilberto continued, "I'm feeling comfortable with you, my friend. I realize I already told you so, but its vital to me you don't forget it." He snickered, then added, "As you can see, memories aren't as insignificant, as I indicated. I'm not interested in remembering situations I don't recall, which I have no clue are good or bad. But I'm keen to recollect events which feel great, such as our meeting."

Nicola became increasingly perturbed, but, trying to give a normal tone to his voice, answered, "Sure. I, too, am delighted having made your acquaintance... And, to be here with you."

"Yes, C四ine said I came here with somebody, in the past. Who knows whom it was? Both loved the other without being aware. Could that person be Silvia? No... it seems impossible."

"Ask her."

"No. If she thinks it important, she will tell me."

"Aren't you curious?"

"No... well, maybe, a little. Yesterday doesn't exist any more, only the present. And, today, you are here with me, real, tangible, not simply a memory. I can feel your body warmth, and I like it."

"Gil?"

"Yes?"

"Nothing."

"What? You were about to mention something!"

"I wanted to say your name." Nicola lied.

However, in reality, he was going to ask how it felt being there, together, so close, but he didn't dare.

"Tomorrow, C四ine wants to take us to visit the town."

"Yes, she is very kind."

"Nicola?"

"Yes?"

"I'm happy I lost my memory."

ﾒHappy?"

"Yes. If it hadn't occurred, we wouldn't now be friends."

"Well, it's not to say..."

"Indeed, but it occurred which thrills me. I'm feeling so good, right now, because I am laying near a real friend in the home of a person with whom I think I can become friends. Yes, I'm ecstatic!"

"I, too, am feeling very good, Gil."

Sleep caught up with them while they whispered.

During the night Nicola awoke. He could feel his mate's body leaning against his own, and this greatly aroused him. Lifting himself up slightly, he gazed at his sleeping companion. Gilberto's face, which was illuminated by the light coming in the window from the street, appeared serene and handsome.

Nicola, having an incredibly strong urge to kiss his sleeping beauty, bent down to lightly brush his beloved man's with his mouth and deposited a very light peck on those inviting lips.

The man showed no reaction.

Nicola used all his self-control to avoid embracing him tightly or awakening him with a showerfull of smooches. He again reclined with his heart in his throat and his blood boiling in his veins. He felt feverish with waves of heat pulsating through his body. He had difficulty returning to sleep, but, finally, toward dawn he re entered the land of slumber.

CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 5

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