Memory

MEMORY by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on December 6, 1992 translated by the author English text kindly revised by Baruch

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"MEMORY" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

Third - A fiancŽe shows up

On the way home Nicola recalled his friend's dazzling fascinating smile. Suddenly he stopped, realizing, for the first time, he was physically attracted to the handsome banker. After this revelation he resumed walking but, at a slower pace, as he pondered the ramifications of his discovery. Considering his past history he did not want to become physically involved with this man. It would complicate and adversely affect their relationship. While he was attracted to this person's eyes, smile and personality he couldn't let the object of his pondering know, out of fear of adversely affecting their relationship. Gilberto's friendship arose from a mix of gratitude and loneliness, it would be unfair for him to burden the still recovering man with his desires.

Could he remain near his comrade while providing his friendship without crossing that limit? Yes, if he was vigilant. His awareness was a positive development, because being conscious of it, allowed him to avoid the consequences. Nevertheless, he couldn't help being drawn to Gil. This thought made him feel a light, agreeable quiver.

Back home, he updated his parents on Gilberto's progress. His folk's, especially his mother, seemed happy their son was making himself useful to the director of the local savings bank. Then Nicola retired for the night, thinking that Gil was possibly trying to fall asleep in his cold alien surroundings. He wanted to call, so he could again say "good night", but the student feared waking him, therefore he didn't. He imagined his new friend in bed, perhaps naked or wearing pyjamas. Of course, at the hospital he always saw him in sleepwear. Who knows how he looked nude, possibly hot...

Aroused by his musings, Nicola silently cursed. With such ideas, he could not, for long, keep detached from this hunk. Avoiding further reverie, he dozed off.

In the morning, he awoke at his usual time, seven. He showered then sat down to eat, as his father left for work. After finishing, he bid adieu to his mother, before he headed over to his friend.

Upon arrival, he saw it was eight-twenty. Conjecturing the guy slept, he ordered coffee at a shop across the street, while browsing through the newspaper. The seventh page contained a terse article, with picture, concerning the banker. It mentioned he had amnesia.

Seeing it was nine o'clock, he bought two hot croissants, before pressing Gilberto's intercom. Almost immediately, the security door opened. Going upstairs, he found his buddy standing at his entrance, dressed in a pearl-gray silk robe.

"I was waiting for you..."

"Hi... did you wake up early?"

"Two hours ago."

"I didn't want to arouse you, so I spent time at the nearby coffee shop. Have you dined?" he asked giving his host the pastry.

"What's inside?"

"Something for breakfast."

"Ah... come in, let's go to the kitchen. I'll make some fresh brew."

Nicola followed.

"I found this nightgown. I liked it, so I put it on. Unhappily, with this cast on my leg I cant take a shower."

"Did you sleep well?"

"Reasonably. I had some difficulties last night, many thoughts running through my head. But the bed is comfortable, so I am well rested. However, I missed you..."

"You did?"

"Yes. I wanted to doze off while talking with you. Don't laugh... I know it's childish..."

"No, I wouldn't. Last night, when I retired, I had an urge to call you..."

"Too bad you didn't... I feel lonely in this apartment."

"Thinking you might be dead-to-the-world, I dared not chance disturbing you."

"I would have been pleased... Do you like what I am wearing?"

"Yes, it suits you well!"

"I agree. This morning, while waiting, I looked in the wardrobe. I liked almost everything, but, some clothes, I questioned why I bought them!"

"Keep only what pleases you."

"Yes, since... they're mine!"

"Sure, they all belong to you. Did you find something special?"

"Like, what?"

"Something which surprised you, I mean."

"No. But I haven't thoroughly explored the study. Then... there... In the bathroom... I found some boxes of... of condoms."

"Thus, you had sex."

"It's likely... However, I'm unable to imagine any specifics."

"When an occasion recurs... you have to grab it... Don't ponder but act!"

"Right!" Gilberto answered with a smile.

After breakfast, they went to the study.

"I think I will start from here, take everything out, then put it back. This way I can familiarize myself with... with something more."

"Does it bother you, doing it?"

"No, but, I prefer going through the stuff with you. Also, it gives me the opportunity to throw away irrelevant things..."

"It might be better for you to wait before discarding anything. What today seems trivial, tomorrow, may turn out to be useful or even valuable. For the moment, put aside what appears unimportant."

"You could be right. Let's start."

They spent their morning going through the study. While they were emptying the bookshelves and draws, the two mention

ed what they found. Nicola was surprised at how few personal items his friend accumulated over the years. For example, not one album was uncovered.

In a book there was a dedication - "Pour Gilberto, avec une grosse bise, CŽline - 13/8/85"

"A French woman..." the student said, thoughtfully.

"During vacation..."

"A summer adventure?"

"It could be. Or, a French relative."

"Perhaps, in French Switzerland..."

"Who knows where. They are Molire comedies. Here, there is an underlined sentence... I have no clue... Was it CŽline or I?"

"I couldn't tell you! What does it say?"

"Il aime quelquefois sans qu'il le sache bien. He sometimes loves, without being quite aware of it."

"You know French!" Nicola observed.

"It seems so. And, you?"

"Yes."

"Do you think it's referring to me?"

"Could be. And, then, does love exist?"

"I think so. And, as with me, it has no memory."

"What do you mean?"

"Love lives eternally in the present..." Gilberto answered, closing the book, as he placed it with those, which interested him. Next, looking at his companion, he asked,

"Don't you believe in love?"

"At times, I deceived myself into thinking I found it, but then I was left empty handed."

"You have time."

"Time? For what?"

"To discover it... I believe it exists."

"The sexual pleasure for sure, but..."

"Also love. The ideal would be if they coincided. I mean, if they were both present, with respect to the same person."

"It could be so. But, I fear it's nothing but pure fantasy."

"I can't see you as a cynic, Nicola. You must have been hurt."

Blushing the younger man nodded yes.

"Sorry, I didn't want to embarrass you, certainly not intrude into your life."

"No, you have nothing to apologise for. Moreover, we are friends, aren't we?"

"Sure."

"Buddies share intimate details..." Nicola said.

"And, yet, there is always a limit, even between pals, I think."

"A limit?"

"Of course. Because every individual remains himself, each person maintains a boundary which nobody has the right to cross. Only, between two true lovers should such a barrier disappear."

Nicola looked him in the eyes before saying, "I don't know if it is possible."

"It depends on the two. If both, he and she, really love each other, they will eliminate all obstacles separating them."

Nicola nodded

but, inside, noted that the statement proved Gil was not gay. Otherwise, he would not have said "both he and she", but, rather, two people. He asked himself if he regretted this revelation... And decided he didn't. He was attracted by this hot stud, however he preferred a real friendship to a sexual escapade.

"What are you thinking?" Gilberto asked.

Nicola answered, without going into detail.

"But, friends can slowly reduce that wall, allowing each other a look, if not of all, at least, a great part of his secret world."

"Little by little..." Nicola nodded, pensively.

"Sure." the man concluded, turning his attention to another pile of books.

By lunchtime, they had gone through and re-ordered about one third of the study's content.

"We are covered in dust. Come, wash in the bathroom... And, please stay to eat?"

"Yes, willingly."

"Do you need to inform your parents?"

"No, they think I am at the university, and when I go there, I never come back at noon"

"Then, you ought to be at school."

"Never mind."

"I don't want you to miss important lectures on my account. It's unfair."

"No, don't worry."

During their meal, the phone rang. Gilberto went to answer. Nicola heard him talk for a few minutes, but couldn't make out what was said. When the host returned, he revealed it was the vice-director, asking him if he needed anything.

"He was ill at ease when I called him 'Mister', and said everyone called each other by their first name. I told him fine and, from there, did so. Thanking him, I said I had everything I needed. Then, understanding he wanted to be updated but feared asking, I told him I couldn't recall anything. That left him even more embarrassed than previously!

"People are strange. When they become aware you are in the dark about everything, while they, on the contrary, retain memories regarding you, they feel ashamed, as if they illegally possess something belonging to you. It seems they have a need to apologise. But, at the same time, they also feel empowered, because they know things concerning you, which you don't... And, yet, I don't mind. Well, no, it's not true. I, too, want to recollect my past. But, as I experienced it, not through others' distorted views. And if they have to be distorted, I would like better they are so in my way and not in their way."

"On the other hand, piecing together the memories others hold, and comparing them, you could rebuild history which might help you recall."

"I don't know, I feel drawn apart. But, possibly, after all, if my cognizance has to come back, I prefer it be first hand, totally mine. Besides, others seldom tell the absolute truth, tell you all they know, or presume o know about you. No, I would rather restore them on my own or remain in the dark. Do you think I'm being too selfish?"

"No, you are right. But, I would need to be, or to have been, in your condition to give you a well informed answer."

"If it comes from the heart, it is!"

"Possibly."

"May I tell you something?"

"Of course... what?"

"I feel as if you are hiding a part of yourself from me. You want to tell me much more, but you're unable or unwilling."

"Why?"

"I have no clue, its intuitive. Possibly, from my lack of self awareness, which gives me a different prospective towards people. I've the feeling I'm able to read between the lines in others... I may be wrong, but..."

"Perhaps, I'm waiting to know you better..."

"Anyway, I'm right, aren't I?"

"Yes."

"Alright. Thank you for being honest."

"Not telling you everything shouldn't be taken to mean I don't want to be sincere."

"I know, and I think I follow your reasoning. But, because I'm in this peculiar situation, I have decided to tell you everything. However, I remain unsure whether I will be able to in the future. If I can start a new life, I intend to do it in this way. I want to tell you all I think and feel, and how I react in situations without you asking me every time... I hope you understand, if not appreciate it... Do you think I'm wrong behaving in this way with you?"

"No, I don't... and I wish I had your courage."

"Mine is not bravery, it's the foolhardiness of a... newborn."

Nodding, Nicola smiled, as he gazed into his friend's clear bright eyes and felt a tremor run through his body. Those eyes were like a whirlpool of clear waters drawing him in. He felt the temptation to dive in and permit himself to drown in them.

"What are you thinking?" Gilberto smilingly asked seductively.

"Of you. I'm glad we met."

"Me, too... Very much."

The man stretched out a hand and put it on Nicola's, in a gesture halfway between a friendly squeeze and a caress. The young buck kept still, afraid to betray the emotion he felt at that light, yet, strong contact. For a while, they remained silent, each one lost in his thoughts, in his feelings. It was a sweet, agreeable lull, wrapping them like a soft cotton blanket, isolating them from the world's everyday life.

Then, the Gilberto withdrew his hand, and at that moment the door-bell rang, startling both.

"Who can it be?" Gilberto asked knitting his eyebrows while looking at his friend.

"I've no idea, go see."

The man went to open the door, and, suddenly, a shrill woman's voice could be heard.

"Gilberto, oh Gilberto, Darling... As soon as I knew... How are you, Love?"

"I'm sorry, Miss..." Gilberto hesitant voice said.

"Oh, yes, forgive me... Who knows why I was expecting you to... I'm Silvia, Silvia Taccone, your fiancŽe... Won't you let me in?"

"Come in... Pardon me, but I don't remember you..."

"Poor, Baby! However, now I'm here, I'll help you to recall, you'll see..."

"I'm sorry, but I am not alone at home. There is a friend... if you want to come in, I will introduce you to him."

"Of course! I probably know him..."

Nicola saw a beautiful twenty-five-year-old, elegant self-assured woman enter. She moved around the apartment with familiarity, going straight to the banker's friend and offered her hand.

"I am Silvia Taccone, Gilberto's fiancŽe. I have not the pleasure..."

"Nicola Girotto. And, it's my honour!"

The young fellow took her grasp, noting its strength and determination.

"You are a... recent acquaintance." the woman said more as a statement than as a question.

"I..." Nicola stared to say, but Gilberto interrupted him.

"He is my only pal, at present."

"But, now I am here, my dear... Did you offer him something? I'll go to make you a coffee?"

"Have a seat. You don't need to, Miss."

"Gilberto, why must you call me 'Miss'? After all, we..."

"I am sorry, Miss, but as I said... I have no recollection of you. I don't want to seem rude, however you are a total stranger to me."

"But, I am your intended..."

"You 'were', you were my betrothed. You belong to my past, to that which I can't recollect, and, hence, is no longer part of me!"

"We WILL get it back, you and I."

"If it returns." the man interrupted, looking, almost challengingly, straight into her eyes.

She smiled, self-confidently, "You're stubborn as usual, Gilberto, you haven't changed. But, if anybody can help you it's me! There are no relatives, and friends... well... they can't be the same as some one who loves you, as much I do. Wait, until we are alone, and... and I will help you to remember!"

Feeling ill at ease, Nicola blushed at the overtly explicit proposition.

Gilberto, on the contrary, remained impassive, remarking, "I don't think we will have an occasion to... to be alone, you and I, Miss. I thank you for coming here, but..."

"Yes, I understand, you are troubled by your loss of memory, as you're unable to remember your fiancŽe. We intended to marry soon, we were preparing everything, and..."

"Were the announcements published?"

"No, not yet... But, you know what they are? Then, you haven't forgotten everything!"

"I can remember generalities but not what concerns me personally. Going through my papers I didn't find a single letter with your name on it... nor, any pictures..."

"Oh, that's odd! You should have them... as well as my number in your address book... There must be something which... Our engagement has lasted for three years... and my gifts..."

"Yes, it is, very strange. And... even weirder, you show up after such a long time. My accident happened two months ago, and the news was in the papers. It's bizarre a fiancŽe stays away for two months without trying to find out about the man she intended to marry, as you claimed."

"But, I was abroad... Oh, yes, poor Darling, you can't remember."

"And, during these sixty days of travel, you never once thought to write or call? Don't you see it's very... suspicious?"

The woman looked at the silent third party, before declaring in a determined tone to her so-called betrothed, "Don't you think we should talk about such matters in private, not in front of strangers?"

"At present, here, the outsider is you, surely not Nicola. Therefore, if you feel like chatting, do it in front of my only friend."

"Actually... we... quarrelled, days before your accident. Typical squabbles, but I had to go on that trip. Besides, I remained angry, thus I had no desire to write. But, then, when I came back, I found out about your accident, and so..."

"So, if we fought, we didn't have such a good relationship, it seems."

"What's that got to do with it? The usual things between lovers... at first you make it a tragedy, then, you realize it's trivial..."

"And... what was the reason for our so called misunderstanding?"

"Only a trifle, as I said."

"Alright. If it was, it should be easy to explain!"

"Listen, Gilberto, perhaps, it's better I go... I intend to call you so we may meet, again and chat at length. You will see... everything will return to normal."

"Why not now?"

"You don't seem to be in the right mood, moreover your friend is here. We mustn't discuss our personal matters in front of a third party. See you, my love. Happy to have met you, Nicola. I'll call you, Gilberto."

Standing up, Sylvia left with a determined pace. The man watched her departure without steering.

When the door closed, the man looked at Nicola, while remarking with a sigh, "She finally left!"

"But, she was your fiancŽe..."

"WAS is the operative word, assuming it occurred."

"The woman seemed familiar with your apartment."

"Yes, and she acted like the lady of the house. But, she didn't convince me. And, why hedge about what happened between us?"

"Because of me, a stranger to her."

"But, she was the stranger for me, not you!"

"One mustn't talk intimately in front of an unfamiliar person..."

"Do you think I mistreated her?"

"Perhaps. She is beautiful, refined, elegant and seemed to care for you..."

"I didn't like her demeanour and, even less, the way she smiled. It's controlled, studied, anything but spontaneous... No, I can't stand her. Supposing she was my betrothed, but I'm asking myself what could I have seen in her!"

"Didn't you feel anything?"

"Absolutely nothing! Or, rather, yes, an irritability."

"Probably, her self-assertiveness..."

"Perhaps. You see, my friend, since she left, I'm feeling much better."

"She said she will be back."

"A waste of her time - I'm not interested!"

"She could really help you recall your memory... she, more than anybody else!"

"Who says I want to have it back!"

"Don't you?"

"Perhaps, but not with some one I find completely dreary and annoying!" Gilberto proclaimed, standing up.

He went to a draw, took out an address-book and checked.

"Here, look under the letter S. It could be her name I inked out, am I correct? And, if so, I must have had a good reason."

"You were momentarily angry."

"Possibly. Therefore, I threw away all her pictures and her letters... This confirms the old Gilberto was no more interested in her than the new one, right? I don't understand why you seem so intent on defending her... after all, she is a perfect stranger."

"I'm not defending her. However, I am concerned about you. I'm sorry you lost your memory, and I thought she could help you restore it."

"The doctor said I can try regression in hypnosis. He claims it might work. That approach doesn't appeal to me. If my thoughts are to return, it will on their own. I feel fine, as I am now,"

"Really?"

"Yes! I don't have any desire for it."

"Aren't you curious?"

"A little, yes, I admit it. But, you saw, that Silvia was... she acted the master of my past, and it upset me."

"At times, women exhibit shielding behaviour..."

"Shielding? I felt she was more possessive than protective. She, rather, had claims on me... she tried to control me!"

"But, after all, you have been engaged for three years..."

"This is what SHE claimed."

"It shouldn't be difficult to check. She talked about common friends... Possibly, your work colleagues know something about it."

"Yes. But, sincerely, I don't feel like inquiring, Nicola."

"It seems almost as if you were avoiding your past..."

"No... I think not. But, if so, I evidently have good reasons to shun it, don't I? Possibly, there is something that is better to forget. And, now, I'm feeling tired, because of Silvia's visit."

"Would you prefer to be alone... shall I leave?"

"No, stay! Your presence perks me up.... I like it when you are here."

Smiling at that compliment, Nicola nodded.

They discussed other topics before the visitor left, making a date for the following day.

When alone, Nicola recalled the time spent with his friend and the appearance of his betrothed, or, rather, former fiancŽe. The unexpected arrival of the girl disturbed him, he at once felt her a rival, an intruder between his friend and himself. She knew Gilberto, or, at least, the old one. Most likely, she made love with him, and she had known his body. Silvia is beautiful, even sexy. Nicola showed sincerity and honesty in his assessment of her but appeared happy his mate didn't accept his suggestions.

Who knows the type of sex partner his buddy is... ardent, sweet, sensual... lazy, passive, weak... and how was his physique? When he wore his nightgown, it fit in such a perfect, impeccable way to hide his underlying contours. It never opened, not even a little, nor moved apart to reveal his appearance.

Nicola recalled the touch of the Gilberto's hand on his own, strong and electrifying... forcing him to shudder, as he thought about it, again. Yes, he felt attracted to this man, but that appeal, even though mixed with physical desire, went far beyond. He was fascinated by the Gilberto's personality, the way the man looked at him, his smile, his behaviour, his temperament, and how he reasoned and spoke. The combination captivated him. A simple gesture had the student ready to surrender himself completely to his idol, body and soul.

"Enough with fantasies!" Nicola told himself, trying to shake off the euphoric feeling pervading him. But, to no avail, by this point Gilberto was monopolizing his thoughts.

CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 4

In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is

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