No one ever realizes their true strength until they are forced to use it, forced to face that time in their life when they really don't know how they are to carry on. This was my own fault as well. All my life I'd been ridiculed and mocked at home. "Alex is a pansy, Alex is a little priss," and if it weren't cruel jokes like that, "that boy's too smart for his own good. He'll end up being a bookworm, won't be able to do anything for himself. He'll end up a little sissy, relying on somebody else to hold his hand!" But I had already proven them wrong! It was true, I'd grown up almost believing these things for myself, but the longer I remained on my own, at least semi-so, the more I began to realize that I could make it on my own. Though I still found myself crying myself to sleep months after Matthew and I had, without officially saying it to each other, broken up, I'd also taken on an independence that I loved. No longer did I feel like I had to wait for someone else to "hold my hand" in life. I was making it on my own! Oh, of course, I was still living with my cousin, but not too many weeks after moving into the apartment above her garage, I'd celebrated my 18th birthday, and was awarded a wonderful gift. Carla and her husband presented me with an official, even documented by Max's uptown lawyer, document of employment agreement. As officially stated a nanny now to their children, I was awarded a, what I considered pretty darn good, weekly salary, room and board in the apartment, and weekly time off for myself and social life. This wasn't exactly how I saw my life going forever, but for now it was a start to independence, and at least I wasn`t grilling hamburgers at Burger King! I'd not heard any more from or about Matthew since dropping my letter off by his mom. Truth be told, however, I made a special point of avoiding places and people I expected him to be around. I did miss going to the weekend football games, but I knew my limits, and I still was not ready for confrontation. My small circle of "nerd friends" I'd spent my life with before really meeting Matthew accepted me back so easily. There was no tension of making conversation or questions. I was treated as if Matthew and I had simply never been any type of item to begin with, and though I missed him terribly, I was thankful for this. Life could've been much worse than what it was for me at this time. I tried every day to think and plan ahead, so as to make as sure as was possible not to bump into Matthew anywhere. The one thing, however, I couldn't plan for was Drew!
Drew had kept a very low profile from myself and Matthew after than night, never calling Matthew anymore or coming by the house. I couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him. I mean, we were both so drunk we could hardly stagger across the ground that night; it wasn't as if we'd planned to have rampant sex! Drew, though an extremely handsome boy in his own right, had never enjoyed the natural popularity Matthew had, having to work very hard to stay in the good graces of the popular circle. Since Matthew had all but written both of us from the pages of his life, as if we didn't exist, Drew's social standing had become the butt of several whispered, and some not so whispered, jokes around school. Everyone had realized fairly early that Matthew and I were no longer together, though no one knew why, so I had merely disappeared into the mist of social unimportance once again. Drew, on the other hand, had become in many ways the classic tale of a fallen hero, rising in popularity and friends, only to be abandoned and left alone. I was still extremely shocked to see his face upon answering the note left in my locker
PLEASE MEET ME IN THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM AFTER SCHOOL...
My heart had leapt into my throat. Could this be Matthew? Despite my common sense telling me otherwise, I risked the trip, and after school, made my way down into the grimy, unused bathroom. Matthew was not there. In his place stood Drew, the very last person I was in the mood to see. Though I tried my hardest to hide my disappointment, Drew sensed it immediately. "No, I'm not Matt...I was afraid you wouldn't come. I knew youd be disappointed, but Im glad you came. We need to talk." I felt myself bristle. Talk? What was there to talk about? Though unintentional on both our parts, because of Drew, I'd lost the best thing, or person, that ever happened to me! "What do you want, Drew?" I was amazed at the confidence and raw nerve in my own voice. I'd always been a short, scrawny guys with hardly any muscle. Drew was a few inches taller, and a good deal more muscular than Matthew. After realizing that most of the "populars" worked out, he'd began a rigorous routine of workouts to tone his body, and though it hadn't helped his social standing in the long run, had come out looking like something from "Mr. Universe!" Yet despite all these facts, I found myself staring Drew strait in the eyes, daring him to utter one word that angered me! "Hey, hey, don't get all defensive on me! I'm not here to upset you, far from it. I do, seriously, need to talk to you though."
Finally agreeing to talk with Drew, more to get him to leave me alone than of interest in anything he had to say, I resigned to going for a ride with him. He drove in silence for the longest time, only glancing at me occasionally. I said nothing. What was there to say? If he expected me to make conversation, he was a fool! He must have finally realized this, because after clearing his throat and stuttering a few mumbled words, he pulled off the road and looked strait into my face. "Alex, I know you didn't want to see me today. I know you probably don't want to ever see me again! Don't blame you, but I've got to tell you something...I've been wanting to see you again, wanting us to spend some time together again." I sat stunned, glued to the leather seat of his car. Wanting to spend time together again!?!?' How dare this bastard! My throat contracted and felt parched, as my face heated angrily. "What did you just say to me? What did you just have to balls to say to me? After what happened because of you and me spending time together?!?!' How dare you!" Drew began to stutter, panic rising in his eyes, "No, no, no! That's not what I mean! Please, Alex, just hear me out. I'm not talking about sex! I'm trying to tell you that, ever since we started hanging out, because of our different relationships with Matthew, well before that night, I've not been able to get you off my mind! I think you're cute, er handsome, or whatever you say to another guy! You're smart and funny! I'm...I...I'm trying to say I think I might have feelings for you." Nothing could've come as a bigger surprise than what I'd just heard. As a matter of fact, I had to ask Drew to repeat himself. "What did you just say to me?" ... "I think I may have feelings for you." I didn't know which emotion registered stronger, shock, anger at what he'd just told me, or a strange sensation of gratitude, but I did know that what he was suggesting was impossible. "Drew, listen, you're probably a great guy, and honestly, you're one of the best looking guys at school. Shit, I'd even say you're just a hunk, but we both know this can't work. Look what's happened with me and Matthew! He's a popular, I'm a nerd. It just doesn't work! You're a popular, I'm still a nerd. Please believe me when I say that it wouldn't work out." Drew's face fell, a childlike look of sadness coming over his features, but what surprised me the most were the tiny little tears that formed in the corners of his eyes. "Might be surprised at how popular' I am these days. I just...maybe you're right." My heart ached for him all the way home. He said nothing else, but showed no signs of bitterness or anger, just the perfectly gentlemanly manners of driving me home. As I started to make my way out of the car he grabbed my hand, his muscles holding me fast in place. "I really do believe we could have a future together, if you'd just give me a chance."
I was angry, no, I was furious with myself. Damn my heart! Damn my love! I had just been asked out by one of the best looking guys at school, someone whom upon further time spent together seemed a real gentleman, but yet all I could do is say no,' because of my constant mourning for someone I knew I couldn't have! I hadn't even realized that I was pacing the floor of my apartment until Carla came through the door. "Hey, I knocked and knocked, but nobody ever answered. I knew you were here, though. Was starting to get worried. Is everything okay?" I didn't feel in the mood to explain every detail of my love life to Carla. I loved her, but tonight was not the night, so I opted for a short answer. "Love life trouble." "Oh, I see. And you don't wanna talk about it with me?" Her mock question caught me totally off guard. My face flushed as I realized how rude I'd been. "I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want you to know what's going on, it's just that it's a long, complicated story." She chuckled. "They didn't think it was that complicated." They? Who were they? "Who do you mean they?' What are you talking about?" The smile that lit my cousin's face seemed to shine brighter than the sun. "You've had two gentlemen callers while you've been pacing your legs off up here. Not at the same time, of course, but it seems like you're a pretty popular guy." Callers? Who in the world would be wanting to see me? "Just who were these `callers?' Did they happen to give you their names?" "Oh yes, one was, now let me see, oh, it was Drew. The other acted kind of funny, kind of like he was embarrassed to ask about you, almost like he was afraid someone would see him or something. He said his name was Matthew."