Sorry for the huge delay in putting this chapter out. I'd say that I've been really busy with my new job and studying for the GRE, but that's not really an excuse. The truth is that I'm just lazy and have no motivation to write. There, so sue me.
This story has homosexual themes. If you don't like it, don't read it. Disclaimers are rather silly, but I'll do it just for the hell of it. This story is partly-fictional: what I don't remember I make up and embellish. I'd lie and say I copyrighted this, but I couldn't really be bothered to do that. Besides, who'd plagiarize crap like this anyway?
I'm glad that I never get hangovers, because otherwise waking up the next day would have been a very painful experience. As it turned out, aside from feeling completely exhausted and in dire need of mouthwash, I had survived last night's debauchery relatively unscathed. Well, maybe my self-esteem wasn't quite so lucky. Being kicked out of a bar was rather embarrassing.
Almost falling out of bed, I trudged over to the bathroom to make myself reasonably presentable. I stank of cigarette smoke, and my eyes were still slightly bloodshot.
I looked at my phone. It was an unknown number with some unknown area code. Seeing as how I seldom get calls- my 1,000 rollover minutes can attest to this- and I always answer my phone, even when I know I shouldn't, I didn't really give the caller's anonymity much notice.
"Hello?"
"Yo, bitch," said the voice on the phone. I didn't know whether to be surprised or amused. How did he get my number? Why is he calling me?
"Hey, AJ, what's up?" I answered, trying not to sound intrigued or overly excited. After all, who'd want to spend time with a total loon who gets all hyped up when people actually call him? Wow, I made that sound so much worse than it actually is- I think.
"Not too much right now. You doing anything later tonight?"
Well, I had originally planned to sit my ass on the couch and watch Law and Order before Phoebe would get one of her binge cravings and we'd run off to the grocery store around 11:00 to buy brownie mix. So yeah, my night was pretty much free.
"Not really," I answered. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, a couple of us are gonna be at my place if you want to come. Have a few beers and chill with us."
Beer and boys? How can I resist? I can be so silly at times.
"Sure, I'll be over there later, k?"
"Sweet, I'm glad you're coming."
I was tempted to giggle like a little schoolgirl, but even I would lose all self-respect for that.
I didn't plan on going over to AJ's until around 11, so Mairi and I were having dinner: grilled salmon with mashed potatoes and asparagus. Over the summer I transformed myself from a culinary neophyte to an exquisite chef. Living right next to a grocery store will do that to you. Living with a roommate who's as much of a bottomless pit of calories as you are will just cement the deal. I loved to cook for people, and feeding my roommate was perfect arrangement: I cook, she eats. We could do no wrong.
So we were sprawled on the couch, stuffing our mouths with food as we watched Nick and Jessica on TV make total morons out of themselves as they went about their daily lives. They make life look so simple, but I guess you don't need to worry about bills and how to make a living when you're married, rich, and famous: three things I'll never be. Damn them.
Sometimes watching people who seemingly have it all just really gets me down. After all, when all the magazines and shows on television are fixated on gorgeous, fabulously rich and successful celebrities, you can't help but wonder occasionally how your future will end up. Not glamorous, that's for certain. And then you hear about how these individuals, who may be incredibly hot and wealthy but probably aren't sharpest knife in the drawer, start doing these that would grandmothers pinch their cheeks like advocating trade liberalization for third world countries, or debt relief, or one-laptop-per-child or some shit like that. Besides the fact that their publicist probably cooked the gimmick up as some popularity stunt, you just can't help but wonder if you'll ever make a difference like that. That sort of thinking always makes me feel worse, because I can't even find a guy who likes me: how the hell would I be able to make the world a better place? A totally non-sequitur line of reasoning, I know.
"One day, when I'm the ruler of the world," says Mairi, still chewing, "I'm going to make sure that there's an IQ test for people to be on TV so little kids don't adopt morons like Jessica Simpson as their role model." It amazes me how Mairi can be wolfing down her meal like a dystrophic hippo and still look cute in the process. I guess I shouldn't tell her those magazine stories about Jessica's alleged 160 IQ, not that I believed them.
"And then I'll give you the UK and Ireland, so you can rule your own little serfdom full of cute, black-haired, blue- eyed chaps."
I think she heard me grunt in amusement, because she stopped watching the screen and turned on me instead.
"Are you saying you're not going to help me in my plans to take over the world?"
Well, technically I didn't say anything. And this conversation was rather stupid, not that any of my conversations are much better on average. Either I attract stupidity in my conversations with others, or I'm just naturally stupid. Maybe it's both.
"I don't know, Mairi. I just feel like everything is just pointless these days, you know? Like everything I do just isn't going to matter in the end." Wow, that was deep for this relatively mindless conversation, but let's face it, I'm not going to become some sexy supermodel who spends his not-so-hard-earned income fighting AIDS in Africa or adopting a cute Cambodian kiddo. And if I can't do that, what's the point? After all, popular culture has taught us that this is the sort of standard we should all aspire to.
"I mean," I continued, "I try to get myself motivated and do stuff that's actually interesting. But I don't know; I just don't seem to care because I don't know where this going to lead me, you know? Like no matter how much I work, or how hard I try at anything, it's all meaningless because I'm never going to amount to anything worthwhile, and I'm never going to be happy."
She turned off the TV but didn't look at me immediately; I guess she was letting what I said sink in. It wasn't as if this was coming out of the blue, however, because Mairi would always be the one I'd turn to whenever I got into these depressive mood swings. They usually occurred when I liked a guy. Sometimes I wonder if my life would be happier if I was just asexual. But then again, that's not much fun either, is it?
"Well, that's how I am too sometimes," Mairi said, turning to face me. Her brow was furrowed, and she looked genuinely concerned. She always knew that when I talked like this I wasn't kidding. I'm not one of those that pout and act all exasperated, whining, "My life sucks. I want to kill myself." With me, I really mean it. I used to be seriously suicidal, and Mairi was one of the few people to know what I went through. The best part of my friendship with Mairi was that she actually understood me and she was one of the few people I could really talk to about these things.
".but the future is always so uncertain, so who knows, James?"
"I just do."
"But how do you know? `I just do' isn't a good enough answer. No one knows what's in store for them in the future. And yes, there is a good chance that eternal happiness is not around the corner. But there is a chance that it is too. You can't only focus on the negative. I mean. even if there's only a slim chance, isn't it worth it?"
"But what if you're wrong?" I insist. You have to understand, there are times when I sincerely believe that I'm meant to lonely and miserable until I'm old and decrepit. A rather morbid prospect, but I just had this gut feeling that my future would end up like that. "What if everything really is worthless?"
"Well. then you're already prepared to be unhappy, but. if I'm right, then you'll get a very pleasant surprise."
"What do you mean?"
"This is about AJ, isn't it?" The look on her face told me she already knew the answer. I could feel a blush creeping on my face.
"I just don't see how he could ever like me, even if he was gay," I whispered.
"You'd be surprised, James." Then she picked up our plates and whisked them off to the kitchen before I could ask her what she meant. And from the kitchen she called out, "And when I'm queen of the universe, you'll thank me!"
Damn it, why does everyone have to be so cryptic all the time?
I arrived at AJ's place a little after ten. Since he didn't really say much other than tell me to get my ass over here, I didn't know what to expect. I was somewhat relieved to find that there weren't too many people here: just his roommates and a couple of their friends sitting on the couch watching something stupid on TV. I didn't recognize any of them. Super-awkward. I made my way from the living room to the kitchen in search of AJ. After all, if there's only one person I know in the whole place, I might as well find him.
AJ was on the back porch playing beer-pong with some of his roommates. They were all the swim team, I later found out, and they had just returned to campus a few days ago. Summer was almost over and classes would start next week, which was something I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It's nice to have all your friends back in the neighborhood, but at the same time, learning sucks.
"Hey man," AJ said as I stepped outside onto the porch. "Glad you can make it."
We went through introductions, but being bad with names, I didn't remember a single one of them. I'd say they weren't cute anyway, but that makes me sound horribly shallow (but it's true!). He left the game- guess he wasn't particularly thrilled by it- and we went back inside the house to escape the mosquitoes and his jock buddies being all macho as they tossed their little plastic balls into little plastic cups. Thank goodness.
He went to the mini-fridge, fished out a beer, and tossed it to me. It occurred to me that my entire friendship with AJ revolved around work and alcohol which probably was not a good sign. Still, it was better than nothing, I guess: I'll take what I can get. Besides, since my housemates didn't drink much, I may as well find people who did. Preferably cute guys who'll drink with me. Like AJ. My logic is infallible.
The conversation I had with Mairi earlier still bothered me, however. Exactly what did she mean by `you'll be surprised'? After all, if AJ really liked me back, he's had plenty of chances to get into my pants already. Maybe he's the shy and insecure type. I laughed at myself for that. Somehow, AJ the confident swimming-jock didn't really seem like the type to get tongue-tied at the sight of a little dork like me.
Besides, if he was gay, wouldn't he have told me by now? It's just impolite otherwise, not mentioning that you're batting for the same team. Barring the possibility that he's a closet case, that's why I just assumed AJ was straight, since he's had a lot of time to bring it up. Oddly enough, he's never mentioned women either. I didn't know whether that was a conscious omission on his part, or if he just naturally felt that discussing girls with a gay guy wasn't the wisest decision.
Or maybe he wasn't interested in girls. That could be an option.
Perhaps he's just biding his time, waiting for the right moment. to what? Sweep me off my feet and carry me off in the moonlight? That's just a sentimental fantasy, and sentimentality can be dangerous to an emotionally fragile sod like me. Best not to think about these things and focus on the beer instead, I thought.
"Come on, James, stop looking so spaced out and follow me," said AJ. I followed him into the living room, leaving my concerns behind, at least for the moment.
It was getting pretty late and I figured that I'd better get going since I had to wake up early the next day. There wasn't a lot of people left hanging around, and some of AJ's housemates were starting to cleanup the bottles of beer left lying around.
"I should probably get going," I said to AJ.
"You gonna be alright?" he asked.
I was still sober, thankfully, but walking back alone wasn't exactly an appealing prospect. There were a bunch of recent muggings in the area, and I wasn't looking to add myself to the list of victims. What surprised me was how AJ actually showed some concern over my well-being. How touching.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I can take care of myself."
He snickered at that; we both knew full well that I was capable of nothing of the sort. That's the problem with being skinny and having bad health problems: people think you're so frail that you'll break at the slightest touch. They don't give me enough credit. Then again, not much I can do against a guy with a gun other than scream like a pansy and toss him my wallet, is there?
"You can crash here if you want."
I had my hand on the door knob, but when he said that, I turned and looked at him. He wanted me to stay over? I raised my eyebrows at this, wondering if he was actually genuinely concerned for me. Or was there something else he wanted? Still, I was skeptical.
"Nah, it's cool, I can walk back."
"No seriously," he persisted. "My roommate still isn't back yet, so you can stay with me in the basement."
Now, the dirty side of my brain immediately started conjuring vivid images of the possibilities that could happen with me sleeping in the same room as AJ. Some of them were quite x-rated. I must admit, I was sorely tempted to just give in and jump in the sack with him. That is, if were sharing the same bed, but I highly doubted that. I could wish, though. I could wish very hard.
Still, the more rational side of me realized just how bad an idea this was, and that I was totally misinterpreting things because, well, I wanted to misinterpret them. The chances of AJ asking me to stay over in order to jump into my pants were pretty much nonexistent, I think. After all, I was the homosexual, and he was, uh, AJ. So, rather than having a night of heated passion, it would probably end up with me having a miniature anxiety attack and not being able to sleep the whole night.
And I didn't bring my toothbrush. That's just gross.
"You sure? My place really isn't that far away, and my housemates will be wondering if I'm alive or not."
"Dude, I'm telling you, you should just stay here. It'll be just us and we can watch a movie or play video games or something."
"Or drink more and get totally trashed?"
"Well, that's always a possibility."
I frowned and flashed him a disapproving look. The last thing I really wanted at the moment was to drink and lose my better judgment. Not that my judgment has ever been particularly great, especially as of late.
"Come on, James. You know you love being corrupted by me."
I swear, everything he says could be misconstrued as some sexual innuendo and it wasn't just because my mind is always in the gutter. I mean, of course I'd love to be corrupted by him, throw my chastity in the wind, and have him take me on the futon right then and there. But was that really going to happen? I honestly couldn't tell, because while part of me was screaming to escape while I still had the chance to save myself from embarrassment, another side of me desperately hoped that he wanted the same thing I did.
And I think that frightened me the most. Even if he did like me, what the hell would I do? Sure I'm as horny as the next guy, and I'd like to imagine that we'd hit the hay and do the dirty like seasoned porn stars, but I'm also a realist. Taking my shirt off in front of others makes me blush and feel nervous. Shedding my clothes like a wild stripper about to get it on was just. not me. If AJ actually was interested in something sexual- with me of all people- could I even go through with it, or would I panic, start hyperventilating, and need to be sedated?
Standing by the door just staring at him was making me look foolish. I needed to get out of there; I had made my decision.
"Sorry, I gotta go," I said, turning and stepping outside. I closed the door behind me before he could say anything else.
Not looking back, and not hearing the door open and someone following me, I started walking home. I secretly hoped that AJ would dash out the door and engulf me in his arms, but I have a tendency to fantasize too much. The sound of the deadbolt was just barely noticeable. So much for Prince Charming realizing what he's missing out on. Slightly disgruntled, I walked back to my place alone.
I was just about to go to bed when my phone buzzed, announcing an incoming message. I picked it up and looked at the sender: AJ. Curiosity piqued, I opened up the text to see what he said.
`Dude, thanks for coming. You're fun and everyone else are just dorks.'
Wow, now if that wasn't a proclamation of his undying love for me, I don't know what is. Not knowing how to reply, I just chose to leave him hanging. I could always tell him I was asleep. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was thinking about how stupid I must look with that goofy grin on my face as I hugged my pillow tighter.
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- Kudos to everyone who's written so far (even if I'm a lazy bastard who takes days to reply). projectilepolly@hotmail.com
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