"Get out of my way Lionel!"
"No. I'm not letting you out of this room until you talk to me."
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Yes you do." He leaned against the door and folded his arms. I wanted to charge him and knock him out of my way but that didn't work the first time I tried it and I assumed it wouldn't work the second time. Lionel outweighed and out- muscled me. I was one of the smallest guys on the basketball team when it came to muscles. I worked out the same amount of time as everyone else, but my muscles remained flex and show, meaning you only saw them if I was flexing. I gave up on being ripped like Lionel a long time ago.
I sat on my old mattress and sighed then I stared at the window and didn't say a word. I was even careful not to breathe too loudly.
"Fine, I'll start talking," he said. I glanced up at him and then returned my gaze to the window. "You're the only person I ever allowed myself to love. When we were together, I wasn't afraid that you'd leave me because I knew you would never hurt me. Well, I thought you would never hurt me."
"That's what I used to think about you." I told him.
"I know. I can't explain why I did the things I did."
I put up my hand. "Just stop. We've already been over this."
"Okay. How about Jayvon? Is it okay if I tell you about him?"
"You don't have to."
"I want to. I want you to understand what happened." He took my silence as a signal to continue. "I didn't tell you about Von and my real mother because I thought you would see that as a reason to leave me."
"Why?" I asked him with my attention still focused on the window.
"Because if my own mother couldn't love me, how could you? Why would you want to? In high school, I thought you and the other guys might think less of me if you found out and then when we came here and I had you all the time, I didn't want to ruin it by telling you about them. I used to sneak off and see them sometimes. When I realized I loved you, I went there to talk to Von and he knocked some sense in to me. I wasted so much time being afraid of you. I was going to move out but Von told me to stay and see where things led. I never thought they would lead us here though."
"Here as in you holding me prisoner?"
"No, here as in us not being together because I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you."
"But you did and more than once."
"And you know how fucking sorry I am for that shit."
"Yeah, I know how sorry you are but nothing is going to change what you did to me."
"Dammit! Can't we move past that?"
"It's easy for you to say that. You're not the one who had the shit beat out of him for months by the person you loved."
"And you're not the one who has to deal with the guilt of knowing that you are responsible for your unhappiness. I did all of this shit. I broke your heart. I broke mine. I caused you to leave me, not my mother, not Von, but me. I drove you away just like I did to everyone else who tried to love me, and I'll probably do that to my son. I shouldn't try to be in his life. I'll just hurt him."
"You'd rather leave him with her? You know what she'll do to him."
"I know."
I guess he was waiting for me to say something. After a few minutes with no words, I looked at Lionel and saw tears dripping down his face. My heart twitched. Without thinking, I ran over to him and put my arms around him. He held me and put his head on my shoulder. I was reminded of how much I missed him, especially being so close to him and having his body against mine. I knew I was going to cry. Then I felt his head move and I saw what was coming before he did it.
My heart stopped beating when his lips brushed lightly against mine. I shook my head to signal for him to stop but he found my lips again and pressed insistently instead of gently. His tongue stabbed my lips, which opened for their own protection. I momentarily forgot I shouldn't be kissing him because his mouth felt so welcoming and familiar, like something I wanted and needed but wasn't ready to accept again.
The kiss ended slowly with four pecks that were progressively shorter. His eyes captured mine and he said, "I missed you."
He shouldn't have said that because it caused me to come crashing back down. It was bad enough I was kissing him in my dreams, but to actually do it in real life was shameful. Did I have so little respect for myself?
"What's wrong?" Lionel asked.
I caught him off guard when I pushed him to the side, but he recovered quickly and was pulling me away from the door before I was able to open it.
"You still love me, don't you?" he asked.
"Of course, but we will never be together the way you want us to be."
"Are you sure?"
"I have to be."
"Don't you miss being together? I know I miss holding you and kissing you."
I missed it too. I missed us. I missed him. I missed everything, well except him hitting me, but I wasn't going to go back to the way we were. I wasn't going to be with him. I had to keep my promise to myself.
"This isn't going to happen," I stated.
He pulled my arm. "Sit and talk to me then."
"About what?"
"I don't care."
"Fine." I sat on my old bed and resumed my sullen retreat in to another zone. Lionel walked over and sat down next to me. "I don't want things to stay like this," he said.
"Neither do I."
"So what do we do?"
"I don't know, but we can't be together. We're not good for each other."
"How can you say that? You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm trying to be a better person for you."
"You shouldn't do it for me. Do it for yourself because you deserve to get better and you have a little boy who's going to need you to be okay. Do it because" He interrupted me with a kiss. I stood up. "Stop doing that!"
"It felt right."
"I don't give a damn about how it felt! It's hard enough being in the same room with you with us just talking. I can't handle anything else. How clear do I need to make it?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to"
"I know you didn't, but don't do it again."
"Okay." I sat down next to him and he asked, "Will you at least let me hold you?"
"I don't think that's such a good idea."
"Please. I promise I won't try anything. I just want to hold you."
I knew I should say no. I knew I should leave, but I wanted to stay with him and pretend we were fine again. I desperately wanted to feel his arms around me. I just wasn't sure if I could leave it at that. "Alright."
He lied down on the mattress and patted the spot next to him. My movements were intentionally tentative because I didn't want him to know how excited I was to cuddle with him again. I started feeling bad and regretting my decision when I felt his arm around me and his body pressed up behind me. I felt his dick as it swelled in his pants. "Sorry, I can't help it," he said before I had a chance to comment.
"It's okay. Just start talking again."
Lionel was talking about his time without me but I was fixated on the sensation of his hardon against my ass. I felt like I was going crazy because my head was shouting at me to get up and leave, but my heart and my body were telling me to stay. My body was even telling me to give in to how I was feeling. I was lost in my thoughts trying to rationalize my behavior but I realized there was no way to rationalize it. One day I didn't want Lionel to touch me, the next day all I wanted was to feel his body against mine.
I fell asleep while Lionel was talking and woke up to the sound of Lionel lightly snoring in my ear. I could feel his hot breath beating on my neck and his limp dick against my ass. His arm was around me and it felt nice. I tried to be still because I didn't want to wake him up and I didn't want to ruin the moment. My eyes closed and I fell asleep again.
I woke up to the feel of lips tickling my neck with Kisses and Lionel humping me from behind. I turned my head slightly to the side and Lionel began sucking on my neck. I laid there trying to convince myself to move but my body was content where it was.
"I love you," Lionel whispered in my ear as he took a second to blow hot air on my skin.
I moaned and cursed myself at the same time. I didn't want him to love me anymore because I didn't want to still love him, but the feel of his body and the heat between us overwhelmed my good sense. I started convincing myself that I should have sex with him one last time and it could be like goodbye sex or something. Just closure, that was all. I would have sex with him and then I would move on and put him behind me. Somehow it all started to make sense to me. I turned on my back.
Lionel didn't skip a beat as his lips dove on top of Mine and I welcomed his kiss. The kiss was passionate and rough like our tongues were trying to fight each other for control of the situation. I finally gave up and let him finish taking charge because I knew he would win. He always did.
"You don't know how much I've missed you," Lionel said as his hand tore at my shirt. Within a matter of seconds, we were both ripping each other's clothes off as if we were in a rush. I think I really was in a rush though because I knew the more time we took to get down to business, the more time I would have to really think about what I was doing, and I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to do it. "I need you so badly," Lionel whispered as his fingers began invading me.
My mind started flashing thoughts. `I shouldn't be doing anything with him. I'm going to regret it and I should stop before we go too far,' but my body was on a completely different page. My body wanted Lionel more than I'd ever wanted him before. It was almost like I needed to have him. I needed to feel him inside of me. I needed to be with him. I needed him. I hated to admit it to myself but I knew it was true. I needed Lionel. I didn't understand why, but I knew I could no longer deny it. I hated him for what he had done, but I couldn't hate him forever because I loved him too damn much.
"I can't wait any longer," he told me, snapping me out of my thoughts long enough to see the lust and desperation in his eyes. I knew he wanted me so badly that it hurt and oddly, I found the idea intoxicating.
He withdrew his fingers and I waited for him to Penetrate me. He inched gently inside me, almost teasing me with the pleasure of being filled up. I moaned and he grunted. He pushed all the way inside me and gave me a kiss before he pulled back out and started fucking me. It felt like it lasted forever. I was trying to hold back because I wanted to prolong the situation since I promised myself it wouldn't happen again. I don't know why he was holding back, but I appreciated his effort. He would push in and out and get a good rhythm going then he would stop and take a break so he didn't cum, but he always kept his dick inside me.
"I love you," he panted between grunts. "I fucking love you."
I felt myself about to cum and suddenly realized I was moaning Lionel's name, "Lionel, oh, Lionel, oh, Lionel." I shut my mouth immediately to prevent myself from saying his name again, but my mouth wasn't closed for long because I opened it and let out a loud moan as I came.
"Yeah, cum on this dick," Lionel said as he continued to pump in to me throughout my orgasm. I was coming down from my climax when I heard Lionel say, "Oh shit." I felt his dick expand and empty its contents deep inside me.
He leaned down and kissed me and to my surprise, I Kissed him back. He kept his still hard dick in place and started pumping me again a few minutes later.
"What do you think you're doing?" I asked him.
"Giving you what you want," he replied before he kissed me again.
I wanted to stop him but the evil voice in my head that had been taken over by my body, quickly talked me out of it. I decided I should enjoy myself because it was never happening again. Ever.
"Turn over," Lionel commanded. He took his dick out of me and I turned over and got up on all fours because I knew that was what he wanted. "Damn you have a nice ass," Lionel commented as he entered me again. The second time was all about cumming. Lionel rode me hard and fast. He came first, and I quickly followed.
I had to lower myself on the bed after I came. Lionel stayed on top of me with his softening dick buried in me. I took deep breaths, trying to regain my composure. I kept feeling Lionel's muscles against my back and remembering how much I missed him. It felt good to have him on top of me. I started to protest when he pulled out of me and rolled on to the other part of the bed.
"Oh God, thank you," he said out loud. I remained quiet. "Did you hear what I said?" he asked. I turned my face in his direction and looked in to his eyes. "I said thank you," he told me.
"You're welcome," I responded without thinking.
"I love you."
I sighed. "I love you, too."
His face lit up and I couldn't stop myself from smiling back at him because seeing him so happy made me feel happy. "So does this mean we're back together?" he asked with enthusiasm in his voice and happiness in his eyes.
My smile disappeared. Reality returned. "No. I'm not Sure what this means, but we're definitely not back together. I can't handle that."
"But I need you. I can't handle being without you. That has to count for something."
"It does. I'm just not sure what." The happiness faded from his eyes and I felt that familiar tingle of joy at causing him pain. "This was my way of saying goodbye to sex with you."
The next thing I knew, my naked body was crashing against the floor. Lionel had kicked me off of the bed. He jumped up and was standing over me. I was sure he was going to hit me again, but he didn't. Instead, he put his hand out to help me up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kick you that hard. You have to believe me."
He looked worried sick. I ignored his outstretched hand and stood up on my own. "You can't play with me like that. Not with the history we have."
"I did it before I thought about it, but I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"I know you weren't."
"Do you mean that?" he asked.
"Yes. I know you weren't trying to hurt me. I can tell the difference."
He stepped towards me and I backed away. "I was just going to hug you."
"Please don't." An awkward silence invaded the room as I started putting on my clothes.
"You don't have to leave."
"Yes I do."
Lionel grabbed his clothes and put them on as well. He finished dressing around the same time as me. "I'll walk you to Michael's."
"Okay." I glanced at my old mattress and laughed when I saw the mess we had made.
"What?" Lionel asked.
"We should clean the mattress because that's disgusting. I feel bad for whoever gets that bed."
Lionel laughed. "I missed your sense of humor, too."
"I know, I know. You missed everything about me."
"I did and now that I have you again, I'm never letting you go."
Something in his tone made me shudder on the inside, but I quickly passed it off as my overactive imagination. "You don't have me again," I reminded him.
"I meant as friends. We are at least friends now, right?"
"I guess so."
"Well that's good enough for me, for now."
The walk to Michael's apartment was filled with chatter about random things but we never discussed us. Lionel startled me when he followed me inside the door of Michael's apartment building and gave me a hug and a peck on the lips in the hallway.
"We're just friends," I said as I pushed him away. He shook his head and said goodbye. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me as I stood and watched him walk down the hallway. He stopped when he reached the door and he turned around and waved. I waved back and I could feel myself smiling, which made me furious. I didn't want to react to him like that. I wanted to be upset with him and I hated myself for being stupid enough to mess around with him. I opened the door and walked in Michael's apartment. Troy and Michael were waiting for me. "I don't want to talk about my day," I warned them as I stormed in to the bedroom and slammed the door. I listened at the door for a few minutes and heard Troy and Michael talking about Von. They thought I was upset about him, if only they knew.
c Lustyville 2007 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville