LEGAL STUFF
This story is a work of fiction involving teenage boys. All The usual rules apply. If you shouldn't be reading this now then don't continue on! If you do, don't get caught!
This story is copyright by vhere who retains all rights. If you want to use it, in any way, send me a mail, I'm sure we will find an agreement.
ABOUT THE STORY
I ask for your leniency because I have mitigating circumstances: 1- This is my first attempt to wright a story. 2- I am french, so my english is far from perfect (if you mail me you will understand what I mean in my answer!)
So try to be kind and positive in your criticisms!! Send them to vhere@hotmail.com
SPECIAL THANKS
It's my pleasure to thank Christian who helped me so much in the writing of the story. Without him and his talented bilinguism "Love is worth all the risks" should have remained a project for a long time. He has been a scrupulous proofreader and a very helpfull teacher. I don't know how to pay him back all the time he spent on my work!!
I owe him my first publication. I'll never forget it.
And now the show can go on! CHAPTER 2: between Hell and Heaven.
I almost fell on the ground when someone caught my arm and stopped me suddenly. It was my father.
"Where are you going, Matt?"
"Home!"
"Hum... Do you feel good?"
"Yes! Why?"
"Because you walked a little bit too far. The house is still at the same place so it makes it 200 yards behind you!"
"Oh... I... Hum..." I can't remember what I stammered.
"You looked very thoughtful and happy at the same time, would you be in love?"
I blushed. Why do I blush so easily? It's like I am an open book in which everyone can read all the answers they want, even to the most intimate questions. I have always been a bad poker player and I think I'll always be.
He laughed loudly.
"Don't try to deny nor to agree, it's none of my business and I am happy as long as you are! How has been your day?"
"Well, I can say, apart from history class!"
"Who is the teacher?"
"Mrs. Salinger."
"I thought you liked her?"
"Yes I do, but she had a bad idea. She wants us to do some oral reports and with the luck of mine, I am the one to begin with "Struggle for Liberty up to Independence Day", in three weeks".
"It's a lot of work but very interesting. If you need any help, just tell me."
"Thanks dad, and what about your day?"
"Uneventful. As usual on the first day of college: too many new faces, new names, new schedules... Nothing to speak about really."
He unlocked the door and we came in. I went to my room. I put my backpack on my desk and sat down to prepare it for the next day. Five minutes later I realized I had not even begun the job. I was absolutely unable to concentrate on anything but the marvelous sensation I still had in my hand. What did my father say? Was I really in love?
"Is love like this?" I whispered to myself. It's wonderful and terrible at the same time, I continued silently. Wonderful because this guy is really amazing, he is beautiful, he looks cool. I am sure he is clever and really funny. He made my day! Overall, our relation seems to start very well. With some luck, we will become best friends, I can feel it.
But it's terrible also.
How can I be a friend, just a friend with the guy I love. It will be terrible, unbearable. How will I live close to him, day after day, knowing that he will never give me back the love I need from him?
Suddenly I was crushed by reality. There was no way to tell him! The risk of rejection was 99,99%. And how will I hide this love? I had been so obvious to my father. What could I do? It was like an icy shower. I laid on my bed and began to cry.
Two hours later I was still laying on my bed, unaware of the time, deeply lost in my thoughts, between happiness and despair. Somebody knocked at my door.
"Come in!"
Lucia pushed the door and entered the room. She looked at me very surprised.
"Why are you laying on your bed? You don't feel good? Dad just told me you seemed happy of your first day at school, really, really happy! Do you understand what I mean?"
She came up to the bed.
"But you cried! why?"
"I didn't, it's just a dust in my eye, and it's quite painful."
"Yes, both eyes at the same time, it must be very painful. Don't lie to me Matt, you know I can see it immediately. What is this about? Tell it to me, perhaps I can help you! Anyway, if I can't help, to speak is the first step of all therapies."
I sat up and try to answer but I lost control. I began to cry again. She took my head between her hands to wipe my tears. I was sobbing now, more and more violently on her shoulder.
"Don't cry bro! Don't cry! You upset me! I am also going to cry if you continue, stop crying!"
She hugged me tightly. I was feeling like a baby. At least I regained control and my sobs started to recess. Lucia was still stroking my back gently. When she saw I was calm again she said:
"Dad told me you looked very happy, in love and very happy. I don't know if you are in love but I doubt you are happy. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know if I can. I am so confused just now."
"I understand." she said and she added with a very light smile "Don't forget your promise: I have to be the first one to know. Are you really in love?"
I looked at her, puzzled. My silence was more expressive than any word.
"Yes Lucia, I am in love."
"Matt it's wonderful and you say it as if it was a death sentence. Why are you so unhappy? She doesn't love you?"
I nodded.
"She rejected you, she told you she didn't love you?"
"No." I whispered.
"So what? Did you tell her?"
"No I didn't!"
"How can you know she doesn't love you? You have to give her and you a chance!"
"I can't, it's too difficult, too dangerous."
I was still whispering, not looking at Lucia, wrapped in my fear.
"Tell me who is that terrible person, perhaps I can help. Tell me her name."
"I can't Lucia, I can't! Even to you!"
She got up. She looked a little upset because of what I had just said.
"If you don't want to speak to me, I can't be any help. I thought you trusted me. Anyway, remember I am here for you, if you need me, just call me."
She made her way to the door. I couldn't let her leave that way. It was not fair. We have always shared almost all our secrets. She always had been very helpful to me, and I know I have been the same to her. We needed each other. I was badly hurting her. I could feel it in the way she walked, I could hear it in his last words.
"Lucia" I called weakly.
She didn't react.
"Lucia" I repeated louder.
She turned back and stared at me. She was almost crying. I couldn't bear to see her like that. I had to do something to tell her something just to make her understand how much I trusted her.
"Lucia, I am... gay."
"Don't try to make fun of me, you have never looked more sad."
"You don't understand Lucia! I didn't mean I am joyful or happy. I told you I am gay. I have never told this to anyone. You are the first one to know."
I was wondering if she understood how terrified I was at that moment. My eyes was hung to her face. I was looking for any sign who could show me how she was swallowing the scoop.
She remained silent a few seconds. It seemed to be ages. My fear was increasing as each second went by. I should have known it: she was unable to deal with it. I was going to lose her. Why did I say that. How could I go back five minutes earlier and give her another explanation.
I fell back on my bed, tears raining all over my cheeks.
"Don't hate me Lucia, please don't hate me! I need you, I'll never say it again, I'll forget it! Try to forget too, but please don't hate me!"
I was absolutely lost in a deep sorrow. I was curling. I was falling and falling, down and down...
I hadn't seen Lucia coming back, nor sitting on my bed. She laid down and wrapped me up in her arms. I don't know how many time we spent like this before I felt her presence against me.
"Oh Lucia!"
"Stay quiet!" She interrupted me. "Don't speak, I don't want to hear any more of the idiocies you said! How can you imagine I could hate you Matt? I love you and I always will! I am proud to be your sister and I always will! Don't ever think I could hate you! Never! Never! Never!"
Suddenly I felt so relieved. I turned back to face her and I saw how much she meant it.
"Will you pardon me Lucia? It's not that I distrusted you, but I was so scared, I was so confused!"
"I am happy you told me. I was afraid to lose my big bro's confidence."
"I am happy I told you. I feel light now, so light! You can't imagine how heavy this secret has been sometimes."
"So now I am obliged to stop teasing you with Cathy, the poor one! I'll replace Cathy by her cousin Taylor."
"How did you know?"
"I didn't but now I do! So that is the dreadful Taylor who is breaking my big bro's heart. You could have worse taste!"
"Dreadful! Dreadful! How can you say that? He is absolutely gorgeous! Have you seen is sparkling eyes, the outline of his eyebrows curved and thin like the wings of a dragonfly? And his lips so tender, so sensual, so fire red, and the voice, you could drink it and feel fresh in Death Valley, and..."
"Stop it! Stop it!" Said Lucia, half laughing and half touched. "I would like so much to have a guy speaking about me in the way you do. You look truly in love. How can it be that fast?"
"I think it's what one calls love at first sight. When I saw him this morning it was a shock. I should say a wave, a tidal wave or a tsunami. I was blown of my usual self control. I couldn't help but follow my feelings and I stayed with him all day long."
"I know."
"How do you know that?"
"Hum, hum... I was at Cathy's after school and you know who phoned her?"
"Taylor, was it Taylor?"
"Yes it was. He spoke about a few things and... and... about you."
"About me? He spoke about me and you didn't tell me! What did he say? You have to tell it right now!"
"I don't know mister big secret. Why couldn't I have my own secrets after all? You are not the only one allowed to. Perhaps I'll keep it to myself until tomorrow!"
"Oh Lucia don't! I beg your pardon. I'll be your slave! I'll do all your chores during one week... Two weeks... Three... As long as you want but please tell me!"
"Well, I'll be magnanimous, as usual but calm down my slave, and sit. He thanked Cathy for having introduced him to you. He told her that the fear he had about the first day in a new school, in a new town, had quickly turned in serial friendly meetings. He added that more than 20 kids bid him goodbye at the end of the day, as if he has been living here for ten years, and all of this thanks to... you. I don't know if he is in love with you but, indubitably, he his happy to know you and wants to remain your friend. The first contact is a total success. I knew you were the best one bro, I knew it!"
"Thanks Cathy! You don't know how much it means to me! You revive me! It will be difficult to be close to him just as a friend but I can't bear being far from him. I can't have what I want so I'll try to appreciate what I have."
"You haven't even tried, so don't discourage yourself before beginning!"
"How could I tell him my feelings. You know how I trust you, and it has been so difficult to tell you I am gay. How could I say it to him?"
"Of course you have to wait. Don't tell him tomorrow morning, test your feelings, let them ..."
"I am sure my feelings will not change!"
"Give your relation time to mature. You have to know him better and if your feelings are still what they are today, and if you think he is open minded enough, you will have to take the risk."
"No! It's impossible! I could destroy all my life!"
"You prefer a life in the closet? If you really love him, love is worth all the risks, isn't it?"
"You are right, but it scares me."
"Perhaps you can practice a bit."
"Practice?"
"By telling the parents. You have to tell them."
"Yes I know, it doesn't scare me as much, maybe I'll wait a few days, one psychodrama is enough for me today."
"It's up to you, if you want me to be there, just tell me."
"Thank you Lucia!" I said, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. "You have been so supportive and understanding! I owe you a lot."
"It's just what sisters are for, and you would do the same for me. Try to rest a little! See you at dinner."
She left my bedroom. I was no longer depressed. I was still confused but relieved to have someone to speak about it, so relieved that I fell asleep.
"Matt, Lucia, dinner is ready, come down please!"
Getting out of my deep sleep was not so easy. When I realized it was time to eat, I hurried up: my parents don't like to wait at the table. I sat silently, I was not in a mood to converse. My parents and Lucia was chatting about their day.
"Do you feel good Matt?" asked my mother. "You haven't said a word nor eaten your burger!"
My plate was still untouched.
"And you look sad, not really sad but worried".
"Yes!" added my father. "Very different from what I saw when you came back!"
"No! Nothing to speak about, just... no forget it, it's nothing."
What was I doing. Try to be normal! Act normal! If you don't, they will get suspicious and if they get suspicious... There were a few seconds of silence. I was scrutinizing my burger carefully and I began to eat it.
The rhythm and the tone of the conversation was different: less jokes, and more silent spells. I was feeling furtive looks on me. I was also feeling their concern. They would have liked to know what was bothering me, but they didn't want to be inquisitive.
It could have been funny, if only I had an ounce of humor in me at that moment. I was going right to my depressed mood. I felt Lucia's foot on my leg, a light caress, a deed of support, a discreet show of solidarity. I raised my head and she smiled at me
I turned to my parents.
"When you have to do something that scares you a lot, is it worthwhile to delay it?"
"It depends on why it scares you? If you don't think you are ready to do that thing, perhaps it's worth to wait so you can work on it and prepare yourself." answered my mother.
"But if you are sure that, whatever you do, you will never be really ready but still have to do it?"
"You are a bit enigmatic and abstract. You can also consider the consequences. If the consequences are easier to accept later so it's worth to wait." said my father.
"And if consequences are the same now or later?"
"Well! If you have to do that thing, if you can't improve your preparation and if the consequences are not going to change, I think you have to overcome your fear! Because if you wait you will only increase your doubts and your insecurity. So face it, even if it's very difficult!" said my dad.
I glanced quickly at Lucia. She was shivering and white as a ghost. I took a deep breath.
"Dad, Mum, I am gay."
The earth stopped to turn, as my heart stopped to beat. All was absolutely silent. My father stood up slowly, went to the bar and came back with the bottle of Jack Daniel he uses no more than twice a year. He sat back on his chair and poured some liquor in his glass. Mum held out her one.
"Give me some please."
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