Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It involves romantic and/or sexual relationship between men. If you are offended of this subject matter, if you are a minor, or if you are in a place where it is illegal to read this type of literature, please stop reading now.
Copyright © 2013 by Fritz Diantan. All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the law, no part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the Author.
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Love Assassin Chapter Six: Skeletons
"Why exactly are we drinking again?" asked Madeline as she refilled her wine glass.
I sipped my drink slowly as I reconsidered what I was about to say. Ruel was chomping a mouthful of steak as he and Madeline looked at me expectantly. Of all the people I had ever known, these two were the only ones who had seen the real me and remained by my side despite all the bullshit life threw at my direction. They were the only people I truly trusted but for the first time, I began to have second-thoughts whether it was a good idea to confess.
For years, I had been adamant, constantly stating that relationships were nothing but an excuse made by people who were too weak to be alone. I rationalized that people today were wasting their lives by clinging to the notion that somewhere out there was a person they were destined to be with despite the fact that most of them could not even comprehend the first thing about love. Many mistake love with infatuation, fascination, and most often lust, and as a result, they end up hurting themselves and the other person.
But I knew that what I was feeling now go beyond simple attraction, having felt the same way many years before. The euphoria that love brought back then was beyond words... yet, so was the agony after getting abandoned and the best thing that ever happened to me was ripped away from my arms.
"I think, I'm in love with Vincent," I said softly.
Upon hearing what I said, Madeline started coughing after choking a bit on wine while Ruel's jaw dropped, displaying a mouthful of unchewed meat. I looked down to the table, reached for the bottle and replenished my glass. I did not dare raise my head but I could feel their eyes staring at me. They were probably waiting for me to look up, raise my hands and loudly say I was just kidding. But even if how hard I wanted to laugh it off and diffuse the tension that suddenly enveloped Madeline's apartment, I would not be able to. Because I was certain... I'm in love.
"Is the world ending?" joked Madeline while wiping the corner of her mouth. "Dante, tell the truth... did you snort coke? Didn't I tell you to only smoke weed?"
I did not answer but drank all the contents of my glass in one go.
"Holy shit... you're serious?!" she said suddenly as she grabbed the wine bottle out of my reach.
"Are you sure, bro?" asked Ruel.
"Yes, I'm sure... maybe... I don't know!" I said forcefully then sighed in frustration.
"We need something stronger than Merlot," Madeline announced the she gave me the wine bottle and went to the kitchen.
Ruel stopped eating and gawked at me as though I suddenly grew horns. I emptied the bottle to my glass then gulped down everything, hoping that maybe if I got drunk enough I would know what to do. After a few minutes, Madeline put a bowl of lime slices, three shot glasses, a salt shaker, and a bottle of tequila on the table. She poured each one of us a shot and I hurriedly downed it like a man dying of thirst.
"How in the world did this happen?" asked Madeline. "Is this Vincent an incubus? A shaman? Psychiatrist? What?"
"So, what's the problem?" asked Ruel, ignoring Madeline. "Yeah, he's a dude but you swing both ways, right? So, why do you look like someone who's about to die?"
"Because I don't believe in love!"
I did not mean to say it too loudly but I ended up shouting. I look at both of my friends' shocked faces and I suddenly wanted to evaporate. I stood up and walked near the large window. Madeline's apartment was on the second floor and it did not escape my mind to just jump and get it over with, even though I was pretty sure all I will get was few broken bones. But that was enough if it will distract me to the fact that everything I believed in for years was crumbling because of one guy.
"Do you even know why we fall in love?" I asked, looking at their reflections on the glass window. "We fall in love because our culture made us that way. Because society made us believe that there is someone out there who is designed, destined, meant to be our partner. Some cultures don't believe in love... that's why there are arranged marriages or cultures where it is okay to have multiple spouses. Heck, there are even cultures where it is okay to be married with a cow, a dog, or a pig."
I turned and went back to the table then took a shot and continued with my litany.
"In ancient times, if you are a slave, you don't have the right to marry and if you are a soldier, your sole purpose is to be a weapon for the state so there is no point for you to even be attracted to someone. Love and relationships are just inventions, illusions to make weak, inane, and self-destructive fools feel good about their lives despite the fact that they contributed nothing to society except be married and children."
My balance was starting to be problematic and I could feel my heart pounding, though I was uncertain whether that was due to the alcohol or the frustration I was feeling. I sat down again but continued to drink the shots that Madeline poured for the three of us.
"You never struck me as a weak, inane, and self-destructive fool. So, how would you explain what you're feeling for Vincent?" Madeline asked suddenly.
"Maybe I'm going insane," I said, plainly. "Maybe too much work is getting to me and... my mind is getting pressured so it finding some kind of outlet..."
"Or maybe you're starting to fall in love again," said Ruel.
"Falling in love is just for cowards like you... for people who are so afraid to be alone that they hop from one relationship to next, saying that they are looking for their soul mate but in truth, they are so insecure about themselves that they needed someone to constantly validate their worth," I said venomously. Ruel frowned at me, clearly offended.
"Dante, for once in your life, you're being stupid," said Madeline. "I think you're the only coward here."
"Me? A coward? You know very well I have never refused a challenge in my life."
"Except this one," said Madeline. "You're rationalizing things, you're making up excuses. You're trying to fool yourself so that you can worm out of this situation. You love Vincent... who cares why or how or what made that happen. It is time for you to face this and make yourself feel something instead of lashing out to people who are trying to help you. This feeling you have won't just go away just because you want it to."
I looked at her then at Ruel, who went back to eating steak after my outburst. I was not used to getting lectured at by others. Most of the time, I was the most intelligent person in the room and there was no problem that I could not solve... I was usually the one who give out the solutions.
"I'm sorry," I said gently, looking at Ruel.
"It's okay. You're freaked because you are becoming human again," he said with a small grin. "I know what you've been through, man. But you loved Geneva before so it's not crazy for you to love someone else again. Why are you fighting this?"
I took a deep breath. Hearing Geneva's name usually reminds me of all the darkness I fought to forget.
"Yes, I loved Geneva but after what she did, how she abandoned me and I nearly killed myself looking for them... I realized after pulling myself back together that I did not need someone to love me. I was able to live and be successful with her or anyone else helping me. I have everything I've ever wanted... I thrived on my own. I'm not afraid to be alone."
"No one knows why we fall in love," said Madeline while pouring us another round of shots. "It just happens, Dante. It can't be forced, it can't be planned. Loving someone is also not cowardice. I think, those people you called inane and self-destructive fools just because they took the leap and loved, are the strongest and bravest type of people. Because when you love someone, you are giving them the power to hurt you by letting yourself be seen and be vulnerable. But mostly, you don't think about that because you won't be able to feel the pleasure if you don't gamble for the pain."
I felt the tequila go down my throat and I frowned at Madeline but she held my gaze.
"Who is the real coward? People who love so they won't be alone or those who close their hearts because they are terrified of getting hurt?" she asked.
Picking up a lime slice, I sucked it hard as an excuse not to answer her.
"Did you know that I love you?" Madeline said suddenly. "Not just as a friend. I loved you since we were in college."
Ruel started coughing, probably a piece of steak got stuck to his larynx after hearing our friend's confession. I looked at Madeline, speechless... I never knew.
"I know... that's creepy, right? But I know you were very much in love with Geneva back then and I didn't want to mess up our friendship so I kept the feelings to myself. Then, when she went away, I thought maybe we had a chance..."
Madeline downed a shot.
"But, it didn't happen. As it turns out, you gave up on love. That was the worst thing that could have happened. I mean, it would have been better if you just found a new girlfriend, at least, there was still a possibility for me. When you started that awful website, I felt so sorry for you because that's when I realized how hurt and broken you must have been. Then, you drowned yourself with work, distracting yourself with anything you can think of. You lost... hope."
A tear slid down Madeline's cheek. My mind went blank... for the first time in my life, I was lost for words. Ruel sat motionless, staring at Madeline as though she was made of glass and will shatter any second.
"But now you have another chance," she said while trying to wipe away her tears. "You finally have a chance to feel love again. Don't fight it, Dan. You don't have to fight it. I admit, I still have feelings for you until now... it's not really something that I can just turn off. As I said, it can't be forced, it can't be planned... but I've accepted the fact that you will never feel the same for me. Vincent is very lucky, for your heart has chosen him."
"Madeline..." I croaked, finally finding my voice.
"It's okay," she said, a little bit more forceful than necessary. "You don't have to make me feel better or whatever... I just want you to be happy. If you think you love Vincent, go for it. Loving someone is not a weakness. Pushing away your love for someone because of fear is the worst mistake you can ever make. Regret is a life-long torment... I don't want you to experience that."
I stared at her eyes, now shining due to the tears clinging on her lashes. Touching her cheek with my hand, I leaned towards her and saw her surprise but she did not turn away. I touched my lips to hers, softly and gently.
I tried to communicate everything that I wanted to tell Madeline using the kiss. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, to know my gratitude for everything she had done, and to make her feel my sorrow for not being able to return the kind of love she deserves. I kissed her without a shred of irreverence or perversion but full of gratitude and deep affection.
"Thanks," Madeline whispered when I hugged her.
"No, I'm the one who should thank you," I said softly. "You are my light."
"Am I your light too?" Ruel said suddenly, making Madeline and I separate, staring at him and trying hard not to laugh.
"Yeah, a very small, annoying LED," I said. "Way to go, ruining the moment."
"Well, I had to say something... you guys are starting to get weird and handsy," he said, grinning widely. "So, what are you going to do now about Vincent? How do you even know you love this dude?"
"I see myself in him," I said, almost to myself. "I see Vincent as someone who got abandoned despite loving someone with all his heart. Someone who has been hurt and betrayed yet remains... wonderful and beautiful. He's brilliant, funny, and full of potential. I see a part of myself in him but also something more, something I can never be. Probably, that's the reason why I'm so terrified to acknowledge my feelings."
"What are you talking about?" asked Ruel. Madeline mirrored his confused expression.
"Don't you see? Even if he falls for me, it won't be real," I said, looking at both of them. "I manipulated the situation, I manipulated him. So whatever he feels for me is just because of a facade I created."
I played with the shot glass for a second before saying, "I guess, it serves me right for all those years of toying with people's emotions, for being so cavalier with how my targets end up... for not caring."
"You do care," said Madeline gently, taking my hand. "I know you convinced yourself into thinking that you started that website to teach people they don't need love. But I think, your real reason for being Love Assassin is because you want people to realize what true love really is. You tempt people, but you also want them to fight for their relationships. You wanted to see who loves their partner so strongly and so purely that they will be able to resist you.
"A lot of people want to blame an outside force whenever their relationships fail because they're afraid to look at the mirror that you've put in front of them... and that their feelings actually falls short to what true love really is."
I looked at Madeline, feeling lost yet trying to believe what she was saying.
"I'm not trying to justify the extreme things you have done," she said, giving me a small smile. "But the reason I did not stop being your friend after you became Agent13 is because... I know you were just searching for someone to prove you wrong. Because you cared so damn fucking much."
"I'm lost, Madz," I whispered. "What am I supposed to do with Vincent? I tricked him, what he feels for me isn't real, just an illusion I created."
"In the beginning, maybe. But from here on out, your actions will no longer be driven by a Love Assassin assignment but by how you truly feel."
I heard Ruel cough a bit and I turned to him. I was not sure if he wanted to add something or he just swallowed a big piece of steak again.
"Umm... yeah, I agree on what she said," said Ruel shortly.
Madeline and I could not help but roll our eyes and grin.
"Ruel, you've been very helpful tonight," I said, putting the plate of steak away from him.
"Hey! I... I can be helpful," he said as he tried to take back the food. "Okay... here's what I think. You feel bummed because you pretended in the beginning but isn't that what all of us do whenever we see a person we like? Best foot forward and all that? We buy stylish clothes, a nice car, expensive hair cut... hell, some even buy new breasts and suck the bajeezas out of their fat guts. It's all a facade and yours was just... a notch higher than usual."
Madeline giggle a bit then looked at me. "The rich, drunk, freeloader kinda do have a point."
"Uh huh. It's so shocking how profound you can be when steak is at stake," I said, sliding the plate back to Ruel. "So, I just continue what I'm doing?"
"Well, yeah, I guess," he said. "But unlike the other times, if Vincent chooses to stay with Jenna, it will hurt big time."
My heart started pounding. Ruel was right. If I fail this assignment, the pain will be mine and not Agent13's. For the first time in a long time, I will take off my mask and I was terrified because the last time I did... my life nearly ended.
Vincent went back to work and for the first week, I made sure that all our interactions were at the minimum. We talked during meetings and the occasional bumping on the office kitchen or the elevator but I gave him the space he needed. But to be completely honest, I also needed the time to think.
It had been years since I let Madeline and Ruel see me in such a vulnerable state. The three bottles of wine and two bottles of tequila probably did not help but after that night, I felt like hell. For me to be forced to reassess the beliefs I held and defended because of some emotion I scorned for so many years was truly a roller coaster ride. After all the things that I had seen and experienced, why in the world would my heart even consider falling in love again?
"Dante?"
Startled, I looked up from the monitor I was blankly staring at for the past ten minutes. Vincent was standing in front of my desk and holding out some folders for me to take.
"Hi. I'm sorry... I was thinking." I stood up and took the folders from him.
"Yeah, I kinda notice," said Vincent, with a lopsided grin. "Working your genius magic?"
"I wish. So, how are the servers coming?"
"They're ready. The team thinks we even have computing power to spare even if all the initial clients use their application suites simultaneously," said Vincent.
I opened the folders and tried to read the jumble of letters and numbers but my mind could not seemed to make sense of it.
"You okay, chief?"
"Do you want to have dinner with me?" I asked. It was so sudden that I even surprised myself.
Vincent was silent for a few seconds and I clearly saw the emotions shift on his face. Surprised, joy then sorrow, and now guilt. He licked his lips and looked down to the floor.
"I... I don't think it would be a good idea," he said softly. "I love Jenna. We had our challenges and I... got passed my confusion. I'm planning to propose to her on graduation."
My heart felt like exploding. There was ringing in my ears and for a second, I felt my lungs froze. I stood there and stared at Vincent, his words slowly getting processed by my brain.
"Dante..."
"I understand," I said with a wan smile. I did not hide my sadness but I kept the storm brewing inside me. "I'm happy you guys worked things out."
"I'm sorry," said Vincent looking more uncomfortable by the second.
"No... no need for that. I just... I thought I'd ask," I said, waving the folders casually. "Good luck with the proposal."
"Thanks."
"Well, I guess, I better get back to these specs."
Vincent nodded and walked out of my office.
After the door closed, I put down the folders and walked to the window. I stared down to the city, its building towering to create a beautiful skyline. The sun was beginning to set and its fiery glow clearly reflected how I felt inside.
Jenna will never love Vincent the way I do because that woman did not deserve him. Even if she accepted his proposal, she will most likely get tired of him in a year or two. And I will be damn if I let him get tormented by that woman for the rest of his life, trapped in a loveless marriage and waste all of his potential.
I went back to my desk. Doing a quick online search yielded the results I need and gave me enough information to formulate a new plan. Rowan Mendrez. An entrepreneur with several medium-size businesses mainly based on another city. Middle-class with a decent online presence. Scrolling and clicking on various links and websites, I painted a picture of what kind of a man Vincent fell in love with. In just thirty minutes, I was able to gather Mr. Mendrez's contact details through his website's domain registration.
After saving all the information I collected, I took my phone and dialed Ruel's number.
"Hey, Dante! What's up?"
"I need your help. Can we meet?"
"Is this about Vincent?"
"Yes."
"I thought you'll be yourself instead of Agent13 on this one?"
I took a deep breath which I think Ruel heard.
"He is planning to propose to Jenna," I said through gritted teeth.
"WHAT?! When?" asked Ruel.
"In a few weeks. Can we meet or not?" I asked, starting to lose my patience.
"Yeah, yeah, we can meet. I'll go to your place. Can I ask what do you need me for?"
"To help me dig up a skeleton."
To be continued...
From the Author:
So, I guess I should just rename this section as the "Author's Apology For Taking So Long". I know you guys are so cool and understanding for being patient but sorry it took a while (again).
But I hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter of Love Assassin.
Speaking of which, by next week, both of my Nifty stories (Love Assassin and Falling for a Straight Guy) will be available in ePub and PDF formats on my blog/website for those who want it. I'm just finishing up the cover arts.
For everyone who downloaded my novel ADLAO: The Hidden Tribe last month, thank you so much and I hope you enjoy it. Don't forget to rate or review it if you think it's worth the bother :)
=> Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F1JUK7S => Amazon Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/ADLAO-Hidden-Tribe-Chronicles-Volume/dp/1492396702 => CreateSpace Paperback: https://www.createspace.com/4438483
You can also show support by sending words of encouragement or a simple hello. Also, I can also notify you when a new chapter is available. Drop an email at theadlaotribe@gmail.com.
If your curious about me and my thought process, you can visit http://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com
Check out my other Nifty story: Falling for a Straight Guy (a coming-of-age love story at the Gay High School section) http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/falling-for-a-straight-guy/
Thank you for reading!
Fritz Diantan