Losing Myself

By One Shy Rugrat

Published on Dec 18, 2001

Gay

Warning: This is a story about two boys falling in love. If it offends you, please don't continue reading.

Copyrights@ 2001. One Shy Rugrat. All Rights Reserved.

Chapter 1 - Mystery across the dinning table

University has begun for months now, the new lifestyle that university students have to adapt and adjust to still bewilders me. The new sensation of never being able to catch up on the lecture material still makes me laugh when I'm reading my textbooks at 2 am in the morning in my puny room in residence. Despite the increased workload, many new bonds have been made and as I see others around me start pairing up, my romantic life has not bloomed at all. Maybe that's the problem about having feelings for people of the same sex. Often finding myself depressed and looking at myself in the mirror, I often wonder if I would ever have someone loving me.

I remember at the beginning of frosh week, I noticed the gay and lesbian clubs were recruiting for new members. Like the other straight teens around me, I avoided coming even close to the display booth. Now and then, I notice the posters of those clubs and their e-mail addresses and wish I had the courage to e-mail then and meet some new people. Of course, that never happened. Merely thinking about having to explain things to people from my highschool who are also attending the same university scares me.

Almost everyday, I ponder what it would be like to be out of the closet, to have a boyfriend that would care about my every gesture, every movement, and every action. To have him hug me when I'm walking against the winter chill. To have him hold onto my hand when we're walking on the street just like all the other couples that are so in love. Then I remember the guys that I've fallen for and sighed. Why? They were all straight. The last thing I want is to like another straight guy. I vow to have a new beginning at university!

Suddenly, I huge bang on my door brought me back to reality. "Louis! Are you heading down for dinner?", screamed my floor-mate, Mike, as he continuously pound on my door. "Yeah, hold on." I quickly switch off my table lamp and put on my sweatshirt. After locking my door, Mike and I head down to our residence's food court for our dinner. Despite what all the others think, I thought the cafeteria food wasn't that bad. I often wonder what they were complaining about. Yeah, of course sometimes there are things that are just absolutely disgusting, but that only happen once in a while.

"So, how's classes?" Mike was a sophomore while I was a freshmen. But we got along fine since we were from the same highschool. "Still pretty hectic." Back in highschool, I was the star. Now that I'm at the most prestigious college of the university, I was having only one of the many stars that shimmer slightly in the sky. Not only am I not the Northern Star, I was just one of those faint stars that may be extinguished at any time. "Don't worry. I made it to second year. I'm sure you'll do fine. Relax." Mike was always trying to make things sound so easy. Sometimes it annoys me because I was no where as relaxed as he was. But other times I feel he's just trying to make me feel better. Whatever it is, he was a cool friend.

After we got our food and sat at our usual table, we chatted away. They were serving roast beef for the millionth time. I didn't mind. But Mike was obviously disgusted. As we ate, more people started to fill the cafeteria. After I went to the kitchen to get myself some more juice, when I returned, I noticed someone was sitting across from me whom I have never seen before. He was sitting before Mike. He said nothing and just ate. I sat myself down and continued eating my food while I studied this mysterious person across from me. He silence made him very interesting to me. His glasses in addition to his shy looking face made me stare. He eyes were big behind his nice metal framed glasses. His lips were thin but extremely luscious. His skin was smooth and his face expressed an emptiness and tiredness. I felt sorry for him, yet I found this melancholic figure extremely attractive. When he stood up, I wonder if he had finished his dinner so quickly and was going to leave. I felt a bit sad I didn't get a chance to say `hi' and was relieved when he walked into the kitchen and came out with more food. Then I noticed he was at least six feet tall and his body was either perfect or his shirt and khaki pants really hide it well.

As Mike and I continued to eat, more people from our floor joined us. Conversations were started and everyone was engaged in some small talk or another except that mysterious guy across from me. As I talked to Mike, I noticed he was listening on what we were talking about and was occasionally glancing at whoever was talking. Though normally I would find people who eavesdrop extremely rude, but instead, I found it very cute and my urge to talk to him grew even stronger.

"Hey, do you think we should go visit Wilson High after our midterm?" Mike asked me.

"Yeah, I was thinking of doing that sometime next week when my exams are over."

"Cool. Give me and Sarah a call when you do." Sarah was a friend of mine back in highschool, she was also Mike's best friend. The world is so small.

"Sure. Yeah, we should go visit and scare all those kids about university. I heard Wilson High is getting more ghetto everyday.

"Oh really?"

"Um, is that Wilson Bretford High school near the subway station uptown?"

Oh my god! He spoke! Here's my chance!

"Yeah, have you heard of it?"

"Yeah, I knew someone that use to go there."

"Oh..." His voice was so remarkable I couldn' t think of anything to say.

After the short exchange ended. He and I started fooling around with our food and he was playing around with the Christmas candies he took from the kitchen. Then he looked at me, which made me feel kind of embarrassed, and said, "You want some candy?"

"Ar...um...no thanks." WHY DID I SAY THAT? I have no idea. Then I continued, "where'd you get that?" Almost lost him, but then I realized I was a bit too eager.

"Oh, just in the kitchen." He smiled. His dimples are the cutest things. That innocent look on his face could have melted me and make me faint. I felt my face go red. I hope the light in the cafeteria is too dark for anyone to see. I knew there was no chance...

"Um, I'm Louis." I stuck out my hand with a huge grin on my face, one which I knew was too huge to be looking for a friendly handshake.

"Hi. I'm Sam." We shook hands. His grip was firm and I wish I didn't have to let go. Once again, he smiled. I knew after the handshake I wasn't going to be able to stop thinking about him tonight. We chatted for a short while longer and then he had to get back to studying, as did I. As I was walking back to my room, I knew I had this huge grin on my face as I kept thinking about the encounter with Sam earlier in the evening and the thought kept swirling in the back of my head until I fell asleep that night. Even then, I dreamed about spending more time with Sam.

Well, I hope you guys like the first chapter of this story. Tell me what you think. Good or bad. Email me at one_shy_rugrat@hotmail.com Thanks

Next: Chapter 2


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