This story contains a depiction of homosexual bareback sex. This, however, is not an assertion that sex with a condom should be undervalued. PRACTICE SAFE SEX.
...
The two cars faced each other at the opposite ends of the very long, sunny road. As they kept advancing, I wondered at what point would the faces in the other car become visible, and whether I would recognize any of them. Too much time had passed.
Both vehicles reached the large beach house at the side of the road. My dad let them go first, then we followed. The pebbles of the driveway crunched under the movement of the tires. Strangely enough, even at this distance, I thought I could feel the fear in the other car. He was scared, I was sure of it, and just thinking about it put a smug smile on my face.
Clara, my dad's old college friend, stepped out of the car, holding her hand over her forehead and with a big smile on her face. The two kids -- babies the last time I'd seen them -- got out and immediately ran to her mother's side. Their older brother followed closely behind.
My curiosity was sated. Janek was simply a taller version of the slender, petite kid he had been eight years ago. His brown hair, sleek and long, waved wildly to the tune of the sea winds. And surely enough, he was looking downwards, shyly. The memories of my occasional bullying surely still weighing in on him.
There was a great flutter as the parents greeted each other, citing repeatedly how long it'd been, how much the children had grown, how wonderful it was to see each other again, etcetera. Clara hugged me and made several comments about how big I was, how handsome I was, how strong and athletic I seemed. I responded with my usual charm, knowing full well that the more confidence I showed, the more uncomfortable I was making poor Janek. I decided to end his torture and finally greet him.
"Dude. It's been a while, huh? How have you been?"
"I'm good, thanks."
We had known each other since we were eight or nine. My parents and his had been very close friends and did things together constantly, which meant that, for better or worse, we had to, too. There was a lot of playing, a lot of mischief, a lot of kid stuff in which I was always the leader and he a passive follower. I remembered him always being afraid of whatever it was that I was up to, always thinking it was a bad idea, always afraid that we would make someone mad. And naturally, whenever I brought one of my own friends along, we would make fun of him. This was the way things were until his father died in an accident, and his mom decided to move away. Now, years later, they were back in the country and ready to settle back in.
It took us a long time to get the luggage out of the cars and into the house. Every time Janek and I crossed paths, he would be looking down, or caring for either Robby or Lannie, his little siblings. It was just too damn obvious that I was intimidating him. It wasn't that I was being a jerk -- I fully planned to have a good time with him that weekend, and to rekindle whatever friendship we could -- but it was just too much fun to know you have so much influence on someone else's behavior.
By the time the fridge was full, the floors swept and the beds made, it was four in the afternoon. I had actually forgot all about how uncomfortable I made him, and just crashed on the living room couch next to where he was with his brother and sister.
"What are you guys watching?"
"Sponge Bob", said Robby.
"What? What the hell is that?"
"It's about a Sponge", answered Lannie. "He's alive, and he can talk, and he's like a person."
"And you guys like this? Come on! What kind of childhood are you giving them?" I turned to Janek, who smiled nervously. "Guys, have you never seen Barney? Barney's the bomb. THAT'S what a childhood should be like. Prancing around with a big purple dinosaur, with background music that plays whenever you start to sing. Janek knows. Those were the times, hm?"
I was determined to come off as someone he could be at ease with. If we were going to do away with the awkwardness, we might as well start now.
"Dinosaurs aren't purple", said Lannie knowledgably.
"Sure they are", I said.
"No, they're not, I've seen them in movies."
"Well, I've seen them in real life."
"Where?"
"My neighbor has a dinosaur."
Lannie turned to Janek. "He says his neighbor's got a dinosaur!"
"I don't think that's really true, Lannie", Janek answered without looking at me, with a smile.
"Dude, you gotta get them into the Barney", I said, addressing him. "Save the generation."
"Oh, I barely remember him. Didn't even remember he was purple."
"Come on, you lie."
"Okay, fine, that I remembered. But not the songs."
"You are unworthy of his teachings, then."
He laughed broadly now. We spent the rest of the hour watching TV in a decidedly less awkward silence. Then lunch.
...
"Gregor, go and get some coal, would you?"
"What?"
"Some coal, for the barbecue. We're gonna have steak tonight, you guys feel like it?"
"Yes!"
"Like, now?" I asked.
"Yes, now. Get off your ass and go, please."
"Janek, wanna go with him?" asked his mom.
"No" was the obvious answer. But...
"Oh, uh... sure. Yeah."
We both got up. When I went up to my dad to get the car keys from him, he slipped me some money.
"See if you guys can get a hot dog or something."
We got on the car silently. The only words uttered were my muttering as I pulled out of the driveway. Once we got to the road, I felt obligated to ask him stuff.
"So, Janek, what's it like being back? Did you meet any old friends yet? Well, aside from me, har har."
"No. I don't think I will, honestly. Gonna start over from scratch."
"Oh. Well, you can count on me, hm? I can introduce you to some folks."
"Thanks", he said. I perceived the derisiveness.
I did what I was asked to do. Bought the coal, then asked him if he felt like having a hot dog. He said sure, so we got two and ate them leaning against the car. Boy, was it boring.
I threw the napkin to the ground -- he stared at I, no doubt judging me -- then walked around the car to get to the driver's seat. I had an idea.
"Get in", I told him.
Once we were both inside, I got out the little package I always keep in my wallet.
"Do you feel like it?"
"Do I feel like what?"
I shook the little bag of weed so he could see.
"Whoa."
"Exactly. Well, I'm gonna have some, okay? If you want some..."
He stared at the joint-building process in silence, but I could feel his awe. When I finished, I lit it up and put it in front of him at once. I feared for a second he was going to say no, and I was going to come off as a drug addict and a wild social beast. Worse even: pretentious. But then he took a drag, which instantly made him cough.
"Dude, you suck. Haven't you ever smoked a cigarette?" I asked.
"Yes, I have, okay? Once."
"Pffff! Once? Are you serious?"
He laughed.
"It's very sad, I know", he said in his distinctively soft tone.
"Exactly. At least you acknowledge the lameness of it. You gotta catch up, Janek, both in Barney and in inhalable drugs."
He laughed again. Then, when the quick glimpse of a siren behind me made me put out the joint with a resounding "Holy shit!", he laughed once more. It was a pleasant sound, an effective ego boost.
"What about girls?" I asked him as we were on our way back home, with the windows down so the smoke and the smell would clear out.
"What about them?"
"You got any?"
"Nope."
"Not even a prospect?"
"Not even."
"Hm. You want to start from scratch with that too?"
He didn't answer. I drove into the driveway and turned the car off.
"What are you doing?" I asked him as he stepped out.
"Uh... I'm going back into the house?"
"And you can't think of why that's a terrible fucking idea?"
"Nnnnno. No, I can't."
"Dude, you get back in there and they will know you were smoking dope the second you touch the doorknob. Stay here, let it clear out."
"Oh." He got back in the car. "Excuse me for being unaware of the logistics of marijuana smoking."
"The what?"
He got back into the car and sighed. "Never mind."
And just like that, we were now comfortable with each other. We spent over ten minutes leaning against the car, chewing mint gum and letting the night air clear the smoke out of our clothes. Not once did he ask me why I had made us share a joint if it was going to mean such an inconvenience later. He must have understood how desperately necessary it had been.
"What do you mean you don't have a favorite book?"
"I just don't, Janek, okay? I don't read books. I watch movies, I watch TV. That's where I get my culture from."
"Like Barney?"
I looked at him. He smiled, not looking back. I tousled his hair. He laughed.
Then my phone rang. Janek shifted awkwardly in his spot as I answered. It was a friend, inviting me to the beach that night. Many of our friends would be there, he said, and it was going to be the "absolute bomb" and we were all going to get "as wasted as humanly possible." I hesitated. Could I bring someone along? Yes, he said. But I would have to hurry because "they weren't going to save any booze" for me.
I hung up.
"So?" I asked. "Do you want to come along? It's going to be fun."
"Hm, I don't know. I better stay with my brother and sister, you know? They're going to be bored without me."
"Hey, we can bring them along."
"Oh, yeah, Gregor. That'll be really appropriate."
I did think it was better this way. But once we got back in the house and I told my dad about the party, he and Clara predictably started with the insisting game.
"Janek, go!"
"It'll be fun! Gregor will introduce you to some kids, you'll have fun together. Won't you, Gregor?"
"Uh, yeah. Absolutely."
"But Lanney and Robbie will stay here by themselves, I don't know..."
"The SpongeBob movie is on at nine, we're all gonna watch it together! We're even making popcorn."
"Yes, Janek. Go. Go and have fun, there's no excuse. We'll look after these two."
Janek relented eventually. He waited for me to change clothes, and thirty minutes later we were back in the car.
The beach was brimming with people. There was this awesome, exciting feeling in the air that comes from being in the beach at night, with music booming all over the place. It took us forever to find a parking spot, time during which we made all the use we could of our newfound ease with each other, knowing that the second I joined my friends, he was inevitably relegated to second tier.
"How about that spot back there?"
"What, next to the trashcans?"
"It seemed fine to me."
"That's where all the drunks go to take a piss, Janek. You want to come back to a car that smells like urine?"
"Heh. It's not my car."
"Okay then, I'll take a piss in your bed when we get back. It's not my bed."
"You think that if that happened, I wouldn't lock you out?"
"Oh, little bitch. You think I would let you lock me out?"
My friend called and said he had found us a spot and that he would save it for us. We went up there, parked, and sure enough, as soon as we stepped out of the car, Janek's short frame was quickly lost amid a tide of my friends. I introduced him, at a distance, and they must have given him a glance and a quick "hi", but after five minutes, even I forgot all about him. The night became a blur of laughing, dancing, drinking, deafening music and, eventually, drunk kissing with this unknown girl that was the friend of a friend. Definitely not appropriate for Lannie and Robbie.
At the end of the night, I hazily felt myself slumped into a not-as-drunk person's car, and my keys taken from my pocket. The two cars stopped by our house, dropping off Janek and me and leaving our car in the driveway. I had to muster all my concentration to open the door, climb up the stairs and find our room. Then I threw myself on the bed and that was that.
...
I woke up with the sun on my face and my brain on fire.
And nauseous. I was very, very nauseous, so much that I had to sit up on the edge of the bed. I stayed there for a long while, with my head between my knees and covering my face with my hand. Then at some point I heard steps on the hallway outside and turned to look. It was Clara, Janek's mother. I raised my hand to greet her, but she just kept on walking. I instantly knew: I must have done something.
It was one o'clock in the afternoon. Perhaps she was offended because she had prepared breakfast and I wasn't there? Or maybe I had thrown up. I looked around. No.
It took me an hour to seriously consider leaving the bed. I washed my face and headed for the stairs to face whatever it was that awaited me downstairs.
My dad was on the kitchen. He looked at me and tilted his head in his "that's what you get" fashion.
"Your eggs are cold. Put them in the microwave."
I just sat on the table, massaging my face.
"You're gonna have to apologize to Janek."
Again, that terrible feeling . What could I have done?
"What happened last night?" my dad asked me.
"I have no idea. I don't remember anything, dad. I thought you knew. What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything, but he was pretty upset, it seemed to me."
"Upset, what do you mean upset?"
"It really seemed like it. Looks like you screwed up last night. Now you go to him..."
"Oh, come on, all I did was take him to a night on the beach..."
"You go to him and tell him you're sorry, and that you would like to do something with him tonight."
"What?"
"Just go."
I didn't protest any further. Even if I didn't know what I had done, I didn't want him to be upset. I went out through the main door so I would avoid his mom. I walked around the house, but when I reached the beach, I only saw his brother there.
"Where's Janek?"
"He's on the water with Lannie."
I sighted him. There he was, he and his sister distant dots on the water. I sat next to Robby and waited, but every time it seemed like he was coming to the shore, he simply decided to take longer. It didn't matter if it was on purpose or not, because I was dreading the awkward conversation just as much. That's when my phone rang.
It was the friend from last night. He had told me then, but I forgot: today was the birthday of a girl from our gang. They were going to meet at an ice cream shack by the beach. I told him that there was no way my dad would let me go, but he gave me the "How can you miss it?" routine. He was right, how could I? I threw one last glance at Janek's distant head and walked back inside.
I gave my dad all the excuses in the book. It took me a herculean effort to get him to say yes with the condition that I be back in less than two hours so I could spend the rest of the day with Janek. I took the car and drove off. I had barely left the property when it occurred to me to check and see if Janek had come out of the water. I stopped the car and backed up a few feet so as to take a look behind the dunes. Sure enough, there he was, sitting on the towel with his legs stretched, looking at the horizon.
...
As it turned out, my dad's leeway of two hours had to transform into less than one, since it once again took me an eternity to find a parking spot. I found my friends on the shack; sat with them; we blew the birthday girl's candles; talked and laughed for a few minutes. It was only towards the end that the subject of Janek came up.
"Hey, why didn't you bring your friend from last night?"
"Oh. He, uh... he didn't want to come."
"How so? He was nice", said Amy.
"I don't know. It was probably your fault, if anyone's."
"Our fault? What are you talking about?"
"He was mad. He was sad, I don't know what he was, but today my dad tore me a new one because when we got home last night, the kid was... well, upset."
"You don't think that you being wasted to the brim had anything to with it?"
"I don't know, I don't think so. How couldn't he have seen anyone drunk before?"
"Maybe you threw up on him."
"No, that wasn't it", said Gale, the birthday girl. She was looking down at her ice cream cup and had a grin on her lips.
"You know? What, was it you? Did you fuck with him or something?"
"Oh, it wasn't me. It was Jess."
"Did Jess fuck with him?"
She sat upright and looked at us.
"I was next to her, right? She was wasted, just wasted, she was barely standing. So she's telling him that he's so cute and he has great skin and he looks like a character out of a Japanese cartoon. So she tries to kiss him, and he won't let her, right? Then she tries again, and again he won't let her. So she gets mad, and asks why." She looked at me. "Are you sure you don't know where this is going?"
"No", I said in a hoarse grunt.
"He told her he's gay."
The guys chuckled; the girls let their jaws drop.
"Dude, you didn't know?"
"No", I said again.
"Didn't you say you were friends since you were kids? How were you not able to tell?"
"No, we... we just met again on this trip, my dad invited him and his mom and his little..."
"And how many more days are you staying? Are you gonna, like... avoid him now?"
"Hey, come on." I snapped out of it and looked Ray in the eyes. "Don't say that. Don't be like that. Don't be a jerk."
"Okay, sorry, geez. But what are you going to do?"
"What am I gonna do? What is there to do, dumbass? What can I do? Just, you know..."
"Right."
The conversation soon turned towards another subject, but I didn't take part in it. I felt numb. Which didn't matter, because I had to leave soon thereafter.
I got home knowing my dad would be mad at me. When I walked in, though, all I heard was loud, cheerful music. They were all in the kitchen lifting the table, doing the dishes and laughing.
"Hey!" My dad was holding a pan and wearing an apron. "Now, what is this guy, kids?"
"He's late!" said Robby and Lannie in unison.
"That's right! He's one late trooper. Here, have some bacon."
"Oh, that's okay, I just had ice cream."
"I want ice cream too!" said Robby.
"No, no. He had ice cream, but now Gregor had his appetite spoiled. Right?" Clara looked at me with a reproachful expression. At least I assumed it was.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, totally."
"Anyway, now that we finished, you guys could hit the beach before the sun sets, huh? Hey, Gregor, Janek just told me about some record that he broke in his swimming team. You want to see who's faster? You still got, what, three hours till night hits. Go, go, go, come on. I'll time you guys. Or does Robby want to do it?"
"Yes!"
"Great."
"It wasn't a record for the swimming team, it was just a racing game the coach makes us play", mumbled Janek. "I'm not even on the swimming team..."
"It matters not. Change and go."
As usual, Janek was trying hard not to look at me. We both headed upstairs to change. Meanwhile, my brain was working furiously.
On the ride over, I had realized that maybe the "upset" part wasn't really my fault after all. By telling Jess, he must have figured I would hear about it sooner rather than later, which accounted for his behavior that morning. He must have thought that they had told me that instant, that I knew all about it since last night, and he simply didn't want to face me in the morning because he was afraid of the treatment I would give him. Did he really think I would turn on him like that?
"You know, if you don't want to... I mean, we don't have to swim if you don't feel like it. I know your dad was just being..."
He was looking at his bag as he spoke. His swimming trunks hung limply from his hand.
"You heard my dad. Go, go, go' means go, go, go'. As in, `you got no other choice'. Come on, it'll be fun. You can show me what you got."
I turned my back on him and started changing right there in front of him. I felt eager to show him that I was not the jerk he expected me to be. That I would not find it awkward. We had known each other since we were seven. I owed him this.
The beach was bathed with the orange hue of the sunset hours. You could look directly at the sun and not feel dazzled. The sand was warm, but far from scalding. And the water...
"Ah!"
I kicked a full load of water toward Janek, who flinched from the cold.
"You think you have what it takes to beat me? I have my dad in there, trying to live vicariously through me, inflicting on me the competitiveness of his forefathers... you think imma gonna letcha win? Think again, boy!"
Janek laughed. He said nothing, but his smile lingered after the laugh was over.
I went over to Robby and showed him how to set the stopwatch. He didn't get it at first, but some patience on my behalf did the trick. Janek was watching me, and he somehow seemed less tense.
"You ready?" I asked him when we were ankle-deep in the cold water, ready for the signal.
"I'm ready", he said with tame defiance.
We swam, and I won. We went two more times, and I won both again. He was left panting, and silent, but also smiling. In my mind, he was realizing that he had judged me wrong. That I could be trusted to be decent. That I was a cool guy.
I crashed on the sand. He sat down next to me with his legs stretched in front of himself, just as he had when I had spied on him from the car earlier that day.
"You're fast, I'll give you that", I said. "But you still got a way to go. I'll take you under my wing, don't worry. I'll train you the next time we come over. We'll get up at five and I'll show you what it takes to be a champ."
I was doing the "talk-nonsense-with-a-serious-attitude" thing that I did with my friends. He loved it, apparently. His laughter rang very true over the sound of the waves. He seemed ready to quit his shy act any second now.
"Oh, God." He stopped laughing. "You think you'll be coming back the next holiday? You and your family?", he asked.
"Sure. If the house is not taken by then. You think you will? You and your mom and your bro and sis?"
"I will!" said Robby.
"Really?" I asked. "You'll come down here by yourself, Robby?"
"Yes!"
"But you'll be scared by yourself, Robby", said Janek. "You'll have to bring someone, who will you bring? Will you bring Daisy?"
"Whoa, who's Daisy?" I asked.
"She's his girlfriend."
"No she's not!" exclaimed Robby, turning on Janek.
"Sure she is. You were even going to get married and everything."
"No! She wanted us to, but we never did."
"Oh, you know, there's a new law now that says that all it takes is for the woman to want it", I said. "If she wants to, that's it. You're married."
Janek and I met eyes behind him in complicity. His silky brown hair was waving around wildly to the beach wind.
"No", said Robby simply.
"Yuh-uh", retorted Janek. "You're married now, sorry. First thing when we get back home, I'm gonna ask her to move in with us."
"Oh, that'll be fun", I said.
Robby stayed in silence, probably horrified. Janek and I smiled at each other behind his back.
...
"What are you kids gonna do tonight? I mean you big kids."
Janek and I looked away from the TV.
"Oh, uh... I don't know, you wanna do something?"
Janek looked at me.
"Uh... do you wanna? I mean, we could do something, if you want to."
It was a good act of indifference. I somehow thought I saw something else behind his expression that seemed to be mirroring mine. Like an attempt to decipher what I really wanted. If I wanted to, he did too. If not, then no. Maybe because he did.
"We could go... get some hot dogs. Or whatever. Let's go out, and whatever pops into our heads, we'll do."
"Fine."
We said goodbye to everyone, got into the car and drove away.
"Damn, now what do we do? I honestly have no idea."
"Neither do I", he said. His chuckling much was enough to know he was enjoying himself already. Mission accomplished: I was a cool guy.
"Okay, then... I'll just keep driving, and if you think of someplace to go, we'll head there. Hurry up though, before we reach another city or something."
"Right. I'll think."´
What followed was a long silence, interrupted every now and then by laughter from both of us. The longer we drove without knowing where we were going, the further away we would end up. It was just as stupid as it was exciting.
"Dude, think of something."
"I'm trying to!"
"Dude, we're, like, ten miles away from the house by now, you gotta think of something!"
He cackled.
"I don't know! Just stop here. Stop here and..."
"And we'll do what?"
"And we'll smoke another joint!"
I pulled over, stopped the car and looked at him with. He looked ahead, smiling.
I took out the tiny envelope I always kept in my wallet and very slowly began, feeling his gaze on my every move, to make us another joint.
I wasn't dumb. By now, I had already realized he could very well like me. As in `feel attracted' to me. I could feel it, just as I felt it with girls. I could feel it now with the way he kept looking around the cabin, awkwardly shifting his position every few seconds. I had felt it when we were at the beach, Robby had gone inside and he was laying sideways on the sand, looking at me as I talked about what I wanted to study in college and what I planned to do with my life after that. I had felt it when he seemingly refused to look at me as I got out of the bathroom after having showered, wearing only a t-shirt and my tight green boxers. I had felt it then and I could feel it now, because I enjoyed it. And because I enjoyed it, I simply could not help but enable it. My ego needed some feeding too. I encouraged it with my jokes, with what I said, with what I did. I could feel myself encouraging it when I lit up the joint and took a long drag of it with my eyes fixed on his. I could always feel guilty later.
"How often do you do this?" he asked.
"As often as you, apparently."
"Oh, come on. Just look at me. Do you actually think... I mean, do I actually seem like I do this all the time?"
"You sure do. Just look at that technique. You sucked away half my joint there."
His laughter was the best reward.
"No, really", he insisted. "Just look at me and tell me."
"I am looking."
"What do you see? Pot-wise. Do you see experience? I really don't think so."
"I see a fucking prude, is what I see."
He laughed again, heartily, and laid his head on the headrest, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
We smoked more than half the thing in a comfortable silence.
"So..." He tilted his head sideways, drunkenly. "What else you got, ?"
"What do you want, like intravenous and the like?"
"No, stupid. I mean, what else do we do? What ideas do you have? This is lame."
I leaned my seat back and cockily put my hands behind my back. I felt like I could do anything, like I could say anything. And inside my pants, my penis was slowly awakening.
That's when I saw him snickering with his face to the window. He was finishing the joint by himself on purpose.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing? Don't!" I jumped at the joint as he took a long drag of the thing amidst suppressed laughter. "Don't finish it, bud! I swear I'll kill you!"
A load of smoke was released upon my face as he laughed hysterically. He turned toward the door and crouched into a ball, covering the joint with his whole body. I tickled him furiously, speaking with his hair against my face.
"Let go of the joint! Let go of it! Give it to me! Come on, gay boy, let go of the joint or I'll crush you to fucking death right here!"
I felt the laughter stop, even if he did continue in the same position. I finally managed to turn him towards me, but the thing wasn't in his mouth, or in any of his hands. He gave two smoky coughs then stared at me with a strange smile.
"If you finished it, consider yourself dead", I said.
"I didn't. Just back off."
"Oh, now you're mad?"
"No, I'm not. Seriously, back off, put your back against your door. Just do it."
I did. We were like a reflection of each other, with our feet entwined over the hand brake. He pulled the tiny remains of the thing out of his pocket and stuck it between two toes. He stretched his foot towards me.
"Whoa. You really are gay, huh?"
"Sure am. Shut up, stay still. There."
With his foot in front of my face, I sucked on the joint, gradually reigniting the tip. It was so short that I was practically kissing his toes. I got a glimpse of his smooth leg all the way into his shorts. He left the joint on my lips, placed both cold feet on each of my cheeks and pressed.
"That's right, take a deeeep drag."
I felt like I was a witness to the whole thing rather than a participant. When would I think enough was enough?
He took the joint out of his toes and back to his mouth.
"Now I'll finish it, thank you very much."
Taking control. That's how I could fight back against this flow. That was the instinct that took me to jump onto him, in a flurry of noisy, constricted movements, so that my face wound up inches from his startled one. I could have counted his freckles.
"At least share that last one, you dick."
We jumped. Someone had tapped on the window. We sat upright. We couldn't tell if it was a cop, and we didn't want to know. With my heart on my mouth, I started the car and waved hastily as I turned the wheel to get the car back on the road. I reached the road and just drove, fully expecting to hear a siren behind me at any moment. We didn't. We laughed and exchanged euphoric and relieved remarks. To this day I imagine that cop (was he?) as a merciful, understanding guy that fully knew what was being done inside that car.
Well, not fully.
...
I opened my eyes in the dark, feeling as if something had awoken me. But there was no one, and nothing to hear but the humming of the refrigerator downstairs.
We had arrived home and played a board game with our parents until so late that our adrenaline from the cop escape had worn off. So maybe I had only been asleep for an hour or so. Thankfully there had been no surprise knocking at the door, no phone calls from the police station. We had put the car in the garage and closed the gate so that not even the license plate was visible. Throughout the rest of the evening we shared a silent complicity that made both of us constantly aware of each other.
I turned to look at Janek, curious at how silent he was being in his sleep. I was thinking of masturbating quietly, knowing full well I would have a hard time trying to go back to sleep if I didn't. My cock was hard, and I was brimming with sexual energy. But he wasn't in bed.
My eyes caught a streak of light beneath the door to the bathroom. I listened intently, but heard nothing. Two, three, four minutes passed as I waited for him to come out so that I could get in there myself and do my thing. But he didn't come out.
Surely if I made him aware of me being awake, he would rush it. I got out of bed, walked to the door and listened in. I could not help but smile. The panting and gasping coming from within could only mean one thing. I got the irresistible urge to barge in. I would catch him off-guard, we would laugh a bit. Well, I would. And I'd have another thing that I could flaunt in his face -- "I caught you jerking off!"
I opened the door as silently as I could. He was bare from the waist down, leaning on the sink, and surely enough, rubbing his dick with his right hand. His eyes grew to the size of plates as he caught my smiling reflection in the mirror. He turned around instantly and pulled up his pajama shorts at once. Whatever joke I had planned was overcome by incontrollable laughter. I had to lean against the door so I wouldn't fall.
"You're such an idiot!" he exclaimed. He sounded genuinely angry, but I couldn't care less.
"You're jerking off!"
"You fucking..." He had blushed to the brim, and simply couldn't help but laugh a bit himself, albeit embarrassedly. "You fucking asshole. I can't believe you did that."
"I can't believe YOU did that! With me in the next room! What are you, a sex addict?"
"Okay, can you please shut up now?"
"My my. What were you jerking off to? Was it our little dope smoking session from earlier on?"
"Shut up."
"Come on, just tell me. Was it?"
"Just shut the fuck up, okay?"
"I mean, I know you're gay. Just tell me. For my ego's sake. I'll feel flattered. Was it?"
"Okay, what if it was?" He walked towards me, rather aggressively. He seemed determined to shake off the embarrassment at any cost. "What if it was, what if I find you hot? If I tell you I that I do find you hot, will you stop laughing like an asshole?"
"Well, yes."
"Does it flatter you?"
"It does flatter me."
He had cornered me against the door. I knew his "attitude" was a defensive response to his shame, but it was still striking to see him act like that, just as it had been to watch him do his feet thing back in the car. That was the "other" Janek. I had seen him then, and I was seeing him now.
"What if instead of jerking off to you, I was to come on to you? Would you be okay with that?"
"Sure."
"Oh, really?
"Go ahead", I said, and laughed again while he didn't. He had probably noticed he had made me nervous, and took full advantage of his newly acquired high ground. He unashamedly put his hand in my chest and leaned in towards me. When I did nothing, he kissed my neck. Then he stepped back.
"Are you aroused now?" I asked, backed against the wall.
"Are you?" he retorted.
"Well, I don't..."
"You know what would get me hotter?" he continued. "If you ran your hands all over me. If you grabbed my ass and kissed me right on the mouth. Yeah, I'll say it. Okay? What, am I supposed to feel ashamed?"
He turned away from me and exited the bathroom. I stared after him. He had beaten me in my little game.
I went after him.
"You mad?" I asked as I turned off the bathroom lights, leaving us in complete darkness. He didn't answer. I felt like fighting back, like stealing the last word. I didn't even care whether I made him madder or not. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, behind this whole pride thing, was the awareness that I was walking into something that I might not be able to walk out of later. His wet kiss was still fresh on my Adam's apple.
"Come on, don't be mad. Don't be mad, Janek, because I caught you jerking off to me. Tell you what, if you want, you can finish. I'll pose for you. Hell, cup a feel. Do what you want." I walked to his bed and stood behind him as he arranged his pillows. He finished that, turned around, sat down and stared at me with a strange expression. I actually feared this might have been it, that I had crossed the line into annoying.
"You think I won't do it."
I thought he'd do it. I just couldn't, for whatever reason, see beyond the game and into the reality of what would happen after he did.
"Do it. Finish what you started. It was rude of me to interrupt, so..."
I shut up as I saw his left hand move toward my leg. He set it there, around my knee and into my thigh. Then he let go.
Up till then, it could have been a joke, it could have stayed that way.
But I didn't do anything, and that was all he needed. He touched me again, this time right inside my crotch, behind my balls and into my buttocks. It tickled me tremendously. I laughed and trembled. And as his hand slowly travelled all over my ass, I simply couldn't anymore ignore the fact that my cock was swelling. I concentrated, tried to control it, but it was ridiculously difficult. With each second, with each heartbeat, it threatened to rise higher. Janek looked up at me, and as he again failed to find a sign of rejection, took his index and middle finger to his penis and visibly stroked it through his shorts. He lifted my shirt and pressed his face fully onto my stomach, moistening it with his lips, tickling it with his hair. It was a rather tender sight.
Then he got up. He walked around me and tried to push me onto the bed. I resisted. He laughed and pushed harder. I gave in, and as I sat on the mattress, he crawled on top of me. I laid back, and he leaned on top, smiling broadly. His slender white legs landed on each side of me. I moved my eyes to the dark ceiling and just felt him on me. I felt him pull my t shirt up to my neck. I felt the soft, hot jets of air from his nose on my skin. I felt his hand wander over every contour of my chest, and his right hand still exploring my thighs. Then I looked down just in time to see him dive his lips into my chest, more hungrily than I had seen him do anything this past couple of days. He sucked on every inch of flesh he could find, while his hand, for whatever reason, kept avoiding my penis, working strictly around it. Unaware, maybe, of how it had abandoned all pretense and was now as hard as it allowed for.
There it was. The point of no return. I had stepped on quicksand, somehow believing it wouldn't swallow me. Foolishly unaware of how hard -- how utterly impossible -- it would be to fight it. To fight sheer gravity. Even my immobility was close to coming to an end as I had to consciously keep my hands from wandering over to him. To his hair, to his shoulders, to his legs and hips that had begun a mild swinging motion on top of me. It had stopped being a game. I no longer cared who won or lost. Hell, he won. He had the victory. He had earned it and I didn't care. He had me. I looked down at him as he sucked on my nipple with a satisfied smile. He knew he'd won.
He kneeled on the bed and took off his t shirt, then laid back down on top of me, merging the warmth of his naked chest into mine. When his mouth dove into my neck, I couldn't resist anymore, and I held his waist. He kissed my neck harder and even desperately, as if believing that I was going to call it quits at any second. But all I did was gasp and secretly love it.
Then he climbed down from me and moved away, further up the bed. He stayed there, on his knees, his face totally obscured from me. I just stared at him for a beat, unwilling to believe that he was finished. His breathing was heavy, as if he had come from running a mile. His face was turning everywhere, as if snapping out of it. But when I sat on the bed, letting my t shirt fall back down over my chest, I saw his face turn to me and stay that way. Attentive at what I would do next.
"What's the matter?" I asked. My voice came out as a whisper. I moved further up the bed, closer to him. I could see him now. His eyes, mildly scared, staring at me. His open, pouty mouth, shiny from saliva. Soft waves of breath coming out of it. Seconds passed, and I couldn't understand why; I was giving him an opening for the kiss. I began to think he was going to make me do it, but then he surprised me with a soft peck on the lips, and stood back, waiting. It was a request for commitment. I had to make the next move. Lean in. And I did, very slowly. Once he saw this, he gave me full lip contact and melted in my arms.
I eased into the feeling. With my eyes closed, I just let the flavor of his mouth test itself on mine as I gently put my hands on the small of his back and let them slide up, towards the neck. It was a soft, undefined kiss, the kind that doesn't know it is one. Just lips rubbing gently on each other, as if they were just now inventing the concept.
It ended with our foreheads resting against one another.
"Could you take your shirt off?" he asked. I did, and he added, "And hug me?"
He moved into me and I closed my arms around him, feeling again his scalding skin against mine. His mouth rested briefly on my shoulder, leaving a wet feeling, then shifted as he himself moved sideways, winding up leaning against me. His head was just below my chin, and I smelled his hair unabashedly. This was the boy who showed nothing but sweetness in the way he cared for his younger siblings; that knew when to laugh, and how to laugh, and found a way to be shy and confident and seductive all at once. The fact that that person had willed himself into my arms, and had made himself mine and mine alone... I couldn't not love that. I kissed the back of his neck and his shoulders. He shifted again, displaying his back to me, and I kept on kissing my way downwards. I had grabbed hold of his hands, and wouldn't let go.
"Hold me. Hold me from behind", he whispered.
"Like this?" I asked with my chin on his spine.
"Yes. I want to feel you on my back. Put your chin on my neck."
"Here?"
"Yes, between my neck and my shoulder. I love the stubble, the feeling of it."
He was now crouching, just as he had been while protecting the joint on the car, and I was on top of him, crushing him, almost. I breathed hard on his ear, knowing that he must be loving it. Under both of us, his legs slid into a stretched state, leaving him on his belly. My arms circled him from behind, and I instinctively pulled him tightly against me, so that it was impossible that he didn't feel my cock through the two layers of cloth that were my pants and his shorts. I sucked on his neck, kissed his ear and his cheek. It was my way of clearing permission. He gave it by grabbing a handful of pillow and releasing a low, feeble moan.
I pulled down his shorts, and felt his cock bounce back beneath him. I did the same with the waistband of my pajama bottoms, thus allowing my cock gentle contact with his buttocks. He shifted positions, as did I. With his ass changed from a sideways position into a straight one and my knees steady on the mattress, I spit on my hand and slathered it hard on my cock. My tip teased his crack one last time, rubbing it from top to bottom, before finally entering him with full commitment.
I couldn't help going slow, but he seemed to like it. From behind I could see him with his mouth open and his eyes closed, taking in the pleasure in heavy, solemn gasps. Absorbed and satisfied. Thankful and committed.
With each new thrust, his small, cold buttocks would press themselves against my pelvis. I could only take so much of that before wanting to add to my speed. With my chin set firmly between his shoulder plates, I set my weight on my knees and began to fuck Janek hard one second and harder the next. He turned to look sideways at me, slightly surprised, his whole frame shaking with each new thrust of mine. The surprise faded away, and he soon began to let arousal take over him. His eyes were tight shut; his jaw opened wider and more emphatically; his gasping turned into a series of throaty moans. The bed began to creak under us, but we would sooner let ourselves be discovered than stop right now. He closed his mouth, letting the moans burst through clenched teeth and tightly shut lips. It made me smile. I rubbed my nose and lips all over the place where his hair met his neck. Then my hand unconsciously wandered over to his throbbing penis, where it managed to help with two brief strokes before a jet of hot cum came shooting out. He buried his face into a pillow, where he released a mighty moan that gradually devolved into a mix of panting and whimpers as he waited for me to finish. I did so with my teeth on his shoulder and one hand tightly groping the flesh of his hip. My own cum began to spread around my penis and to drip out of his hole and onto the mattress. As I panted on the back of his neck, I grabbed his jaw, feeling on my fingertips the moisture of his lips and the heat of his breath. All of it fresh from sex.
I got off him and laid sideways on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Janek stayed on his belly, resting his head on his arm, maybe looking at me, maybe not.
"How are you?" he asked.
"I'm... tired."
"That was amazing. I loved that."
I only panted. I thought I could feel him losing his zeal; about to turn away, to let me feel bad about the thing by myself.
Then I spoke.
"Better than by yourself?"
"Yes." He turned on his side, facing me, with a smile. "Better than by myself for sure."
"I don't know what the hell happened there", I added slowly.
"Well... for what it's worth, you were awesome at it. For your first time, you know."
"What, it wasn't your first time? What am I saying, I'm guessing it's not."
"No, Gregor. It's not like the joint, this wasn't my first time."
He was different. Even more confident and flirty, with fluid movements that I hadn't seen before. I was now seeing his complete, unedited self.
"You promiscuous little fool."
"Shut up, you are. It's not my subject of choice right now..."
"Then what is?"
"I dunno. You?"
"Me?"
"How awesome you are?"
He moved closer, but not the whole way. Once again, I didn't stop him and he got his permission. He reached toward my knees, where my pajama bottoms were still entangled, and moved them up.
"I'm awesome, am I?" I couldn't believe my dick was getting hard again.
"You really were."
"Dude, are you really up for another go so soon?"
He pulled down the pants he had just seconds ago moved up. His hands grabbed my ass and our midsections met.
"You're gonna tell me you're not? I know you are. I know you now, Gregor."
I shut him up with a kiss. We fucked face to face this time. Then three times the next day, once in the shower, then twice at night again. The morning after, we had to say goodbye.
He and his family bought an apartment in the city. Tomorrow he'll be home by himself for the first time, and I'll be coming over.