Disclaimer: Man, these things suck to write. Okay, here's the deal. Stop reading if you're under eighteen, or it's illegal to view such material in your area. Not that there will be any sex, but hey, some people are just plain prejudiced. This story is not meant to imply anything about The Backstreet Boys. As far as I know, they're not gay, for which I'm profoundly glad. My million to one chance of marrying Nick would be out the door if they were. I'm just a sick little girlie, who makes up stuff like this in my head. None of it's true. It's F-I-C-T-I-O-N, peeps. You'd do well to remember that.
Chapter 5
Kevin shut his eyes as the private jet took off. It wasn't so much that he was afraid of flying, that was Nick and Brian's department; it was more that he was afraid of doing this tour. He didn't feel fit enough to handle AJ's moods, or Brian's silence or Howie's good intentioned but misplaced peace-making. Most of all he couldn't handle Nick, or rather his feelings for Nick. And AJ was so unpredictable at the moment; Kevin was terrified he'd tell Nick. Out of spite, boredom, anger, whatever. He looked over at AJ, who was listening to his walkman, glaring into space. He's going to be hell on this tour, Kevin thought regretfully to himself. Utter hell.
Howie was asleep already, probably the best thing to do for the nine hour flight to England. His snoring was soft at the moment, but would inevitably get louder the longer he slept. Despite everything, Kevin smiled to himself. Nobody ever wanted to share a room with Howie, and the poor guy had still not caught on as to why.
Nick and Brian were, as usual, sat together. They were both obviously nervous as the plane rose higher. Kevin noticed, with utter contempt, that Brian squeezed Nick's hand reassuringly, receiving a sweet smile back from Nick. That should be me, Kevin told himself. That would be me, it if wasn't for Brian. Kevin didn't know if that was true, but at times it seemed it. If Brian and Nick weren't so close, Nick would have room for other people in his life. People like Kevin.
"Hey Kev." Kevin looked up to see Brian standing awkwardly by the seat next to Kevin. "Can I sit here?" Kevin looked at his watch. Had an hour really passed already?
"Sure." Kevin shrugged. He could hardly say no. He looked over at Nick, who was now asleep.
"I was just wondering if," Brian sat down, "I mean, I know we haven't been talking so much recently."
"Yeah, that's true."
"Well, I hate it, to tell you the truth. And I'm going through a big thing in my life at the moment, and I can't talk to anyone about it apart from maybe you." Brian sighed. "That is if you want to hear it?"
"I guess so." Kevin told him. He was uncomfortable now. It was a lot easier to refuse on the phone.
"No, look, forget it." Brian shook his head. "You don't wanna know my problems." "No, Bri, I do." Kevin touched him lightly on the arm, suddenly feeling sorry for him.
"You sure?"
"Go ahead cuz." Kevin smiled warmly. Brian smiled back, a little comforted.
"Okay." Brian breathed deeply before speaking. In all Kevin's worst nightmares, in all his worst fears he didn't ever expect to hear what he heard next. "I'm in love with my best friend, cuz. I'm in love with Nick."
"I'm in love with Nick. I'm in love with Nick. I'm in love with Nick. I'm in love with Nick." The words cascaded in Kevin's mind. How was this possible? What, did it run in the family or something? Actually, he thought he'd noticed his mum going incredibly coy around Nick. No, that's getting off the point, Kevin told himself. What the hell are you going to do about this?
After Brian had told him, it had taken incredible will-power not to strangle him there and then. He'd simply breathed in and out a bit (some people might have called it hyperventilating) and told Brian it was a lot to take in. He told him to come back to him later when he'd got used to it, and he'd be able to help him a bit better then. Bullshit. In all Kevin's life, he would not be able to help Brian with this. What on earth was he going to say to him when he came back, expecting advice? "Stay away from him or I'm gonna break your kneecaps." Maybe that was a bit harsh.
Of course, the obvious thing to say was "He's not gay." That was true. Probably. Of course it's true, Kevin told himself. You just want him to be, you sick fuck. But he wasn't. And that's all he had to tell Brian. There wasn't anything either of them could do about it.
The plane journey had dragged on after Brian's revelation. Apart from the odd bad- tempered comment from AJ who was obviously trying to start an argument, nobody spoke. Kevin was aware of Brian looking over at him from time to time, desperation gleaming in his eyes.
Finally the pilot announced they were landing. They all let out a sigh of relief. Although the jet was quite spacious, the feeling of suffocation was over-whelming. After the bumpy landing, they walked out. Brian caught his arm and they stayed behind for a moment.
"We'll talk in the hotel." Kevin assured him. Brian smiled and hugged him suddenly, causing Kevin to near-faint.
"You're the best, cuz." Brian whispered before walking out. Kevin stared after him for a second before asking himself; "Why do I feel like crap then?" ***
"Hi." Brian appeared at Kevin's hotel door, obviously wanting to come in. Kevin gestured for him to sit down.
"So you're gay?" Kevin asked him. Okay, he knew he was now. But it seemed a good place to start.
"I only realised it after I fell in love with Nick. I would just spend hours thinking about him, and then one day it hit me. I wasn't looking at women, and God knows we're surrounded by enough gorgeous ones ever day." Brian smiled wryly. "I just wanted Nick."
"Brian, he's not gay." Kevin sighed. That part was true, allegedly. The next thing he said would shame him for the rest of his life. "In fact, he's a real homophobic."
"What?" Brian looked at him, astounded. "I mean, I know he's not gay. But someone like Nick wouldn't be prejudiced."
"You would think, wouldn't you?" Kevin swallowed. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Making someone as innocent and sweet as Nick sound like a bastard, and worse, to his best friend who happened to be in love with him.
"He's never told me."
"But I bet he's never talked about gay people either." That was a wild guess that Kevin hoped was true."
"No, but I still don't believe it."
"We were talking one time about Tom, you know, the producer of our 'Get Down' video. You remember he was openly gay?" Brian nodded. "I said how I thought it was great there was a man in the business that could be honest about something like that. Nick just started shooting his mouth off, saying how he thought it was sick. I won't go into details but some of the stuff he said was pretty nasty." Kevin lied. The real truth was Nick had agreed, said he really admired him. Not a nasty word had come out of his mouth. But Brian didn't know that.
"I can't believe it." Brian shook his head.
"Neither could I. He shut up pretty fast when he realised I was getting annoyed, and he hasn't spoken about it since. I mean, maybe he's changed, but I don't think so."
"So what do you think I should do?" Brian asked miserably. Kevin sighed, then pulled Brian close, hugging him.
"I don't know Bri. I don't have the answer to that. Just try to look elsewhere. I don't think you should tell other people just yet, unless you really feel the need to. Always remember that I'm here to listen." He pulled away and looked into Brian's blue eyes. "And I don't mind at all, okay?"
"Thanks cuz." Brian whispered tearfully. "I'm sorry for being such a bastard to you this past year or so. I just felt isolated from everyone."
"Don't ever feel you can't come to me. You're all my little brothers, remember that." He kissed Brian's forehead. "Where you sleeping tonight?"
"Me and Nick are sharing." Brian sighed. "I guess I have to stop doing that. I feel bad, looking at him when he gets changed or whatever. He doesn't even know."
"Well remember, you can always share with me." Kevin reassured him. Brian smiled half-heartedly before leaving the room. Kevin laid down on the bed and sighed regretfully. A little white lie, he told himself. Nick might not be prejudiced, but he also wasn't gay. He was just saving Brian from getting hurt. A little white lie. That's all it was.
Well, I'm back. Have you missed me? Nah, thought not. But this holiday gave me a chance to really work out what was going to happen in this story, and I think (or at least I hope) that it's going to get really action-packed and emotional from here on in. I know what you're saying. Hasn't it already been really emotional? Nope, is the answer. Kevin's gonna hit an all-time low pretty soon. Ooops, giving away plot details! Don't worry though, it will have a happy ending. OK, gonna shut up now. Until next time, mon amies.