DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction. The characters are real people but are being written in fictional situations. This is not saying anything about the sexual orientation of anyone mentioned.
WARNING: This story deals with homosexual themes. If this offends you, don't read. If you are under 18 years of age, don't read. If reading this story causes you to break any laws, don't read.
FEEDBACK: We want to know what you think of it so... send us an email! Kelly's email is Kb79@aol.com. Fred's email is SaetanSaDiablo@aol.com. As most of you know by now, we are both friendly people who love to chat, so free to contact either of us at anytime.
LIFE'S DISCOVERIES By Fred and Kelly
He had just gotten out of the shower and was lying on the hotel bed in his towel, trying to relax after the long day. He wasn't thinking about anything, he was just enjoying the near silence. The only sound was the steady fall of water coming from the shower where his lover was. He had just about fallen asleep when the door opened. The small figure came out of the bathroom. He could smell the familiar clean scent of the soap that was used and the light cologne he knew his lover had sprayed. His love came out of the bathroom fully dressed, which surprised him.
"How are ya sweetie?" His lover asked.
"I'm okay, what's with all the clothes?" he asked.
"I have a surprise for you, something we haven't done in a long time." His lover told him.
"Oh...?" was all he had to say.
His lover went over to the small boom box sitting by the dresser. The play bottom was pressed and the soft sounds of romantic music came flowing out. His lover slowly began to remove the long robe, the black sheer one with the rose embroidery he had bought so many years ago, in rhythm with the music. The next article to come off was the matching nightgown that had come with the robe. What his lover was wearing underneath the previous two articles was new, though.
"What do you think Kevin? I bought it just for tonight." His lover told him.
"It's nice Kristin, real nice." Kevin said with false enthusiasm as he looked at the black and red teddy that his fiancee was wearing, complete with a garter belt and fishnets.
"Just nice? For the amount I paid it better be more than just nice." Kristin sounded a little pissy.
"You know I don't go for all that frilly stuff, Kris." He secretly thought it was the tackiest, sluttiest thing he had ever seen.
"You don't go for anything these days." She said defeatedly, with a sigh. "Well I guess I'll just have to go with what works naturally."
Kristin proceeded to finish her "striptease" until all articles of clothing were removed. She stood there swaying to the music. Her dancer's body would have been enough to make a 95-year-old man hard. Kristin worked out just as much as Kevin did and there wasn't an ounce of fat on her body anywhere. She was gorgeous, absolutely perfect one might say, and she was using it all tonight. When the song finished she walked over to the bed and unfolded the towel from around Kevin's waist.
"What's this?" She asked, sounding half-mad, half upset, as she pointed to his manhood.
"The sight of me naked used to get you as hard as a rock. When we used to play this little 'striptease' game you would barely let me finish getting undressed before you would pull me into bed. Now it appears you didn't even notice. What's with you? I know it's not me, if anything I'm more beautiful than I was 5 years ago."
"It's not you Kristin, you are beautiful, I'm just tired." Kevin tried to explain.
"Well let me wake you up." Kristin said seductively as she got on the bed straddled him where he laid and began to ravage his mouth as hungrily as she had ever. She went at it for a few minutes, using every trick she knew to turn on a man. "How was that?"
Kevin didn't answer and that's when Kristin realized she was straddling him, if it had worked she would have known.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kristin screamed. "I'm doing everything I can and you are still as soft and small as marshmallow!"
She got off him and stood next to him on the bed. He sat up and just looked at her. Tears were in her eyes and he knew she was more upset than angry. This had been going on for months now. They hadn't had sex in the longest time. It wasn't Kristin's fault in the least; she had been there for him the whole time and had done everything she could. It was his problem entirely.
They had been together for 7 years, ever since Disney World. Both of their careers had skyrocketed together. Sure they had their problems, fights, and break-ups, but never anything like this. Kevin had no idea how to tell her that he didn't want her anymore. He still loved her, shit did he love her, there was just nothing sexual between the two of them anymore, at least as far as he was concerned. He just didn't have a clue on how to tell her. One more night of these 'performance' problems might handle that for him.
"So! Are you even listening to me Kevin? Who is she?!?" Kristin demanded at him as tears poured down her face.
"There's no one else Kristin, that I swear." Kevin answered with a voice cracking, full of emotion. It was the truth; there wasn't any other girl in his life. Kevin would have even welcomed another girl. Anything that would prove his suspicions wrong. He just wasn't attracted to females anymore.
"I know Kev... I know. I even went as far as to ask the other guys. They all told me the same thing. But if you aren't with another girl, what is it?" Kristin seemed scared.
"I don't know... really I don't." Tears were beginning to form in his own eyes. He hadn't been this confused in the longest time. Not since... not since right before he met Kristin. He had been around 20 and going through one of the worst times in his life. His father had just died, he was living in a different state than his family, starting a new job, and... And he had just admitted to himself that he liked men. It had taken him years to admit it, but he knew he was bi- sexual, even possibly gay. It was 7 years ago and he still hadn't told anyone else, not even Kristin or the guys. Of course that is when Kristin came into his life, his little powerhouse of sunshine. She became his best friend, his savior, and his lover. Kevin still thought of her as his best friend and the one who had saved him from that horrible time, but... The thought of her in a sexual way, the thought of any girl in a sexual way, well to tell the truth those thoughts hadn't existed in a very long while. Not that they had ever existed strongly. He needed to tell her. He brushed the tears out of his eyes and looked up at her.
"Kristin, I love you, you are my best friend, and everything that has ever happened between the two of us means the world to me." He took a deep breath.
"But I'm not attracted to you sexually anymore. And before you attempt to defend yourself, it isn't just you, it's all females. I never told you I was attracted to men did I? Well I am, I have known since way before we met. I have always been and when I was around 18 I noticed my lack of interest in females, practically all together. To tell you the truth, you are really the only girl I have ever found attractive besides Beth. I haven't even looked at a female besides you for the past 8 years. Whenever I check someone out it is always a guy. I've been thinking about this for so long. And as tender and sweet as all our sexual moments were, I never enjoyed them as much physically as I did emotionally. I see you as my best friend and the person who saved me from the worst time in my life. That is why I have been so attached to you for so long. I don't see a sex partner or girlfriend in you anymore. All of this... everything I am babbling.... Kristin what I'm trying to say.... Kristin I think I'm gay..." Tears flowed down his cheeks as he finally let out what had been in him for so long.
"I know... I have no idea how, but I have always known. I just kept hoping, and then when you proposed, I thought it was all set. But Kevin I see now, we are never gonna be happy as a couple. I will always be your best friend, but we can't go on like this anymore. I need to be someone's girlfriend... not their savior. Here." She placed the diamond ring he had given her in his hand. She walked around the room and put her street clothes on and collected her belongings. When she was done she went to him, placed a kiss on his soggy cheek, and said "I am leaving, it is what's best, give me a few weeks to get over this, and then give me a call. I love you, good bye."
Then she left the hotel room.
Kevin laid back down and buried his head in the pillow. He couldn't believe he had just lost Kristin, he couldn't believe he was gay, and most of all he couldn't believe he had finally said it out loud. He let his emotions go and just sobbed.
A few minutes later he heard the door open again and then soft footsteps. He didn't bother to look up, he just continued to sob into the pillow. 'What does it matter?' he thought. 'Why should I hide anymore? I'm so tired of lying to everyone, lying to myself...I'm gay.'
The person who belonged to the footsteps saw the strong man sobbing into his pillow and rushed over. Quickly, an arm was placed around Kevin's slumped shoulders and words were whispered softly into his ear.
"Kevin?" The voice sent chills through his body. His long denied passion for this person came flowing to the surface. The realization that he felt something more than friendship or fondness for this person, this man, was unbearable. Out of everyone who could have come walking in, why did it have to be him who entered the room? Kevin began to cry harder.
"Kevin, it'll be alright." The soft voice said. "Everything will be alright."
"Man..." Kevin said softly. "I'm so confused, so overwhelmed."
"It's alright." The voice said, increasing in volume. "Everything will be fine."
"But it isn't!" Kevin argued, he suddenly felt the need to tell this person everything. "It isn't fine! I'm... gay..."
The person cupped Kevin's chin and turned his face so that he was looking at him. He bent down so he was level with Kevin and looked him in the eyes.
"N...Nick." Kevin said, ever so slowly. "I'm gay, my life with Kristin is ruined, everything's...terrible." He sniffled. "And if the guys ever find out, I'll lose their friendship, I don't think I'd be able to handle that."
Nick stood and stared at his friend. Nick wasn't used to seeing Kevin like this, he was a wreck. Kevin was usually so strong and sturdy for all of them. Seeing him in this weak state, Nick's heart went out to Kevin.
"Sit up Kevin." Nick instructed.
When Kevin complied Nick wrapped his arms around the older man and laid Kevin's head on his shoulder.
Kevin was shocked when Nick did this. He didn't know what to do. "Nick?"
"Tell me." Nick said softly. "Tell me everything."
"Really?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah... I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay right here with you. Tell me the whole story, then we'll figure it all out." Nick said as held Kevin.
"I've been lying to myself and everyone else for like a decade now. I'm gay Nick, I'm gay and until today I've never told anyone. This is the first time I've even said it out loud. I told Kristin and she called off the engagement. Look." Kevin said as he held open his hand to reveal the diamond ring he had been clutching.
"Ohh... Kev... I'm so sorry." Nick stroked Kevin's head as he spoke.
"It's okay, I couldn't expect her to marry a gay guy, it wouldn't have been fair to either of us. I just can't believe my life could change so quickly by muttering two small words." Kevin shuttered against Nick's chest. He had dreamed for years of Nick holding him like this, but not in this kind of situation.
"It isn't going to change, you won't be marrying Kristin now, but she'll still be in your life. You aren't going to lose your friends, we all love you too much. Look, I'm still here aren't I? I haven't abandoned you and they won't either. Kevin, what took you so long to tell Kristin? You two have been together for a very long time now." Nick was speaking in a soothing voice.
"I kept hoping it wasn't true, I kept hoping I was going through a weird phase in life or something. I didn't want to admit I was gay, because I didn't want to be. I still don't want to be. I want a normal life, a wife, kids, and a nice house in the country. How will I get all of that now?" Kevin was once again sobbing.
"Kevin, if you are gay, you are gay, you are not going to be able to change that fact. It may take a while for you at accept. You can still have the life you always dreamed of, it will just be altered a little. You can settle down with a husband instead of a wife and the two of you can adopt children instead of having them. And believe it or not they do let gay people live in the country." Nick tried to get Kevin to smile.
Kevin calmed down a little, he wasn't sobbing anymore, but the tears were still falling steadily.
"Shh... It will be okay Kevin, everything will work out. It's okay baby, shh..." Nick tried to soothe Kevin. He was getting heavier in his arms and Nick imagined Kevin must be getting quite tired.
Kevin was close to passing out, everything was getting fuzzy. Had he just heard Nick call him baby? He started to tremble a little with the strain of sitting up.
"I'm gonna let you lay down Kev, okay? I'm not going to leave you, I just think you should lay down." Nick said as he laid Kevin down on the bed. He flipped the pillow that he had been crying into so that Kevin didn't have to put his head on the cold wet.
As soon as Kevin's head hit the pillow he felt himself fading. Nick was rubbing his back and just as he was about to slip into unconsciousness he heard Nick say "I love ya Kev, I'll make sure everything will be okay."
It didn't take Nick long to realize Kevin was fast asleep. He covered him up with a blanket, all that had been covering him the whole time had been a sheet. He knew that Kevin slept naked and was afraid he'd get cold during the night. Nick didn't want to leave Kevin alone during the night. He wanted to be there in case he was needed. So he grabbed the extra blanket and pillow from the closet and went to sleep next to Kevin on the big bed.
Kevin luckily slept through the night. Nick had been expecting to wake up a few times to comfort his friend.
He awoke to the sensual feeling of holding a warm body in his arms. Smiling, Nick slowly disentangled himself and crawled out of bed without awakening the sleeping angel. Shaking his head, Nick stood up, stretched, and tiptoed into the bathroom and unzipped his pants. He slowly unbuttoned the button on his jeans and pulled the front of his boxers down and relieved himself. He shook, flushed, washed his hands, and sat himself down next to the bed on a chair. He watched Kevin as he slept. It was still dark out, but the light that shone through the window had cascaded the grown man in a silver shower. Nick sighed softly and leaned back into the chair.
'What's going on in that head of his?' Nick asked himself, 'I wish he'd let us in to help him. He's so strong, but this is one of those times he needs help.' Nick sighed again and shook his head.
After awhile, Kevin rolled over, let out a small moan which made Nick smile, and then opened his eyes. "'Mornin'" Kevin said, his voice thick with sleep.
"Mornin'," Nick replied, "Feeling any better?"
"A little. Thanks for staying with me." Kevin smiled a brief smile. "What time is it?"
Nick glanced at his watch. "It's a little before 6:30. I'll call the guys around seven and set up breakfast for you. Until then, go take a shower." Kevin nodded slowly and walked to the closet. He glanced briefly upon a dress that Kristin had forgotten . While he was rummaging for something to wear, a thought came to him.
"Nick?" Kevin asked passively.
"Yeah?" Nick asked while he was putting on his shoes that he had taken off the night before.
"How did you know that I needed help?" Kevin asked, unsure of whether or not he wanted the answer.
Nick thought a moment and figured it was best to answer honestly. "In all truth, I saw Kristin running with a suitcase and crying. So," he shrugged even thought Kevin couldn't see him, "I figured."
Kevin peeked a head out of the closet. He gave a half smile, the most he could muster. "Thanks."
"No problem." Nick said dismissively. "Hurry up, I want to take a shower after you." Nick grumbled.
Kevin sighed, "Go ahead, I'll be a few minutes anyway. I can't find my Umbro shirt." Nick groaned.
"Really man!" Nick said amusingly, "You're worse than AJ with the clothes."
Kevin gave a small snort, it was almost a laugh.
"I just want to look good." Kevin replied, stretched. "Found it." He said after a moment's pause. He held it out triumphantly and pushed out of the closet and into the bathroom.
"You know," Nick said, as if stating a fact, "You really need to learn to cover yourself up when you have company." Kevin gasped and then laughed slightly.
"You've got to be kidding me! I live to be naked." Kevin replied trying to turn it into a joke. He turned on the shower and peeked his head through the door. "Besides, it's not every day you get to see Mr. Body Beautiful. Really though, I'm sorry Nick, I completely forgot I wasn't wearing anything. I'm so used to strutting around naked in the hotel rooms, I am usually alone or with Kristin, ya know." With that, Kevin jumped in the shower.
Kevin's thoughts swam around in his head like fish in a sea. It was incredibly hard for him to make the transition of no one knowing he was gay, not even himself, to one his best friend knowing. And it felt good. Not just good, but oddly ecstatic.
While he was soaping himself up, he made a very important decision. One that would change his life no matter the outcome. He decided to tell the other guys that he was gay.
He turned the spray of the water on him to rinse the soap off and then started to wet his hair. While he massaged the shampoo into his scalp, he thought about what he would say to the guys. 'Hey guys, I'm gay.' wouldn't work. 'Maybe', he thought, 'If I'm lucky it'll just come out.'
Kevin rinsed the soap out of his hair and turned off the water. He reached for a towel and wiped his eyes dry. 'Maybe they'll still like me.' Kevin thought to himself. He slowly dried himself off and decided to let Nick know.
"Hey Nick." Kevin placed a towel on his head and another around his waist and entered the bedroom. He started to dry his hair as he said, "Hey Nick." He paused a second to really get one spot. "I'm planning on telling the guys I'm gay at breakfast." He noticed that Nick had not said anything and so he slowly pulled the towel off of his head. Four sets of eyes stared back at him. Two of which, were accompanied by mouths that were hanging open.
Nick muttered something like, "Don't leave your mouth open, Brian. Its unbecoming of you." Kevin was speechless. He had just unknowingly outted himself to the rest of the group.
"Uhh." Kevin said. "Shit." He looked down, not sure what to do. All of a sudden the room erupted in questions. They were all thrown at Kevin like bricks falling from a New York City building. The tears filled his eyes again.
"Where did this come from?" Brian asked.
"What about Kristin?" Howie had asked. Kevin didn't know how to respond to any of the questions.
Finally, he just told them all to be quiet.
"I'll explain everything over breakfast. Until then, I'm not talking." Kevin said as he turned from the group and began to cry again.
Nick immediately went to him and wrapped his arms around him.
"Howie, Brian, AJ, go into my room, order breakfast. Kev and I will be there in a minute." Nick said with authority.
Surprised at Nick's commands, the three men just looked at the younger boy for a moment. Nick's eyes widened in anger. They quickly left the room.
"Nick, I can't go through with this!" Kevin cried into Nick's shoulder.
"You have to Kev, you can't keep this from them forever." Nick told him.
"But it's so hard, why does this have to happen to me?!?" Kevin was getting overly emotional. "Can't I have anything go right in my life?!?"
Nick let go of Kevin. He maneuvered him so that he was sitting on the bed. Nick gave Kevin a stern look.
"Kevin! Listen to me! Nothing is ever easy. You have to face that. I know that the past few hours have been hell on you, but I know there is a level headed, strong man in there somewhere. So I want you to call him out, so that you can go in there and explain to the guys! Okay?" Nick explained to Kevin.
Kevin looked up at Nick and blinked. He had never seen Nick be so severe, so firm, with anyone, let alone him.
"Nick?" Kevin practically whimpered.
"No Kevin! Come on, I'm being serious. I'll hold you and let you cry all you want later, but right now you need control!" Nick demanded.
Kevin took a gulp of air and tried his hardest to stop the flow of tears.
"There ya go, just calm down." Nick's voice had changed to a soothing tone.
Kevin got up and went into the bathroom. He washed his face and took a moment to calm down. When he came back out Nick was waiting for him.
"You ready?" Nick asked carefully.
"Yeah, I guess so." Kevin said softly.
"Kevin..." Nick gave a warning.
"I'm ready." Kevin looked at his feet, ashamed.
"Let's go." Nick threw an arm around Kevin, guiding him out the door.
When Kevin and Nick arrived in Nick's room, the other three were waiting for them. There was breakfast food on carts and the three were nervously picking at their plates.
"Hi guys." Nick said calmly.
They looked up at him. No one spoke. Kevin slumped over to one of the carts and filled a small plate with food. He sat down on a chair adjacent to Nick and sighed. He looked down at his feet, silently contemplating what he would say.
"Kevin..." Nick said softly.
"It's alright Nick. I can do this." Kevin said softly. He took a deep breath and sighed. "Okay." He started, "In the beginning, when I was with Kristin, we couldn't get enough of each other. All she had to do was kiss me and I'd get hard." He blushed softly. "And then, I started having problems performing. Well, gettin' it up. She even asked some of you guys if there was a another girl, didn't she?" There was a collective nod. "There wasn't. I just...wasn't in the mood to have sex with her. Shit, I'm gay." He laughed bitterly. "I'm surprised I was able to get it up when I did. And then last night...she tried to...you know?"
They nodded collectively again. "Well, I wasn't able to get it up...and finally I spilled my guts to her. And she ran out of the room with her suitcase." Kevin sniffled softly. The tears were having a hard time staying back.
"It's okay Kev." Nick said softly, placing an arm on Kevin's shoulder.
"I didn't know what to do." He sniffled again. "I just sat there and cried. I broke down...and..." The tears were coming now. "And she left."
"Thanks Kevin." Brian said sarcastically as he stood up. "That totally ruins our whole double wedding plan. Couldn't you have repressed it a little longer? What do you think my mother's going to say? Shit, what do you think YOUR mother's going to say? They're going to freak! And..."
"Shut the fuck up, Brian." Howie said calmly. He needn't raise his voice.
Brian turned toward Howie, his eyes were daggers that pierced Howie's barrier.
"You stay the fuck out of this." Brian growled and turned back to Kevin. "And you! You! You just totally ruined my life!" Brian screamed and ran out of the room.
Kevin just sat there. Stunned into silence, he didn't know what to say, what to feel, what to do.
"Maybe..." Someone said softly.
"No." Kevin said, turning toward Howie. "I'll take care of this. I'll talk to him. I know what's been bothering him." Even the realization that Brian felt betrayed did not keep the tears from coming. Nor did it stop the hurt that emanated from those words. Kevin stood and wiped his eyes, and walked out.
"Wow." Was all AJ was able to say.
"Wow is right. Can you believe all of this? Kevin's gay? When the hell? What the hell? How the hell? I never would have expected. Never in a million years." Howie said, shaking his head.
"He's going through hell right now, I think he only just admitted it to himself and now all of the sudden we all know. It's not going to be easy for Kevin for a while, he needs our support." Nick told the two of them. "What Brian just pulled isn't going to do any good."
"It was just the shock, maybe he will come around. Do you think me should get Kevin some help? I can't imagine finally coming to terms with being gay when you are already 28 years old can be very easy." AJ mentioned, looking straight at Nick.
"Do you mean therapy or something?" Nick had a doubting look on his face, but his eyes held more of a scared, angry look.
"No, just like a friend or someone, who knows what he's going through, can you think of anyone?" AJ questioned, keeping his eyes completely locked on Nick.
"I have an idea." Howie said softly. "You guys aren't gonna like it though."
"What Howie?" Nick asked, thankful for someone to draw AJ's gaze away from him.
"You guys know Lance Bass, right? The blonde from *Nsync?" Howie mentioned.
"Duh... of course." Nick muttered.
"Well..." Howie shot Nick a look. "He's gay."
"No shit Sherlock, and?" AJ laughed sarcastically.
"Are you two as thick as you look?" Howie was getting tired of their stupidity.
Nick and AJ nodded.
"Lance is gay, a friend of mine, despite the group 'problems', and he is very, umm... comfortable with being gay? Adjusted? What ever you would call it, he is it. I think he would be the best person to talk to Kevin." Howie spilled.
"Sounds great, as long as Lance wouldn't mind." Nick said, happy they had found someone so quickly, before AJ could... oh, he didn't want to think about it.
"I'll go call him right now!" Howie excitedly left the room for his own.
Once AJ and Nick were in the room alone, Nick turned angrily to him.
"What was that about?" Nick demanded.
"Lance is the best person to talk to Kevin? Someone he barely knows? Fuck that! How about one of his own band members? I think that would be more appropriate, don't you Nick?" AJ shot at the blonde.
"What exactly are you saying AJ?" Nick asked, knowing damn well what AJ was getting at.
"You know what I'm saying Nick! You had a crying, hysterical Kevin in your arms, admitting to you his deepest, darkest secret! Don't you think it might have been time to tell him yours?" AJ said harshly.
"Yeah AJ, there is a brilliant idea! Oh, Kev, calm down, don't cry, it'll be ok, and oops, yeah, I'm gay too?!?" Nick was right in AJ's face. "That isn't what he needed to hear at the moment!"
"How do you know? Maybe it would have been a relief to find out he wasn't the only one!" AJ kicked back.
Nick's hard look dropped. "Maybe I'm still not ready to tell anyone else."
AJ softened as well. "Awww... come on Nick, I know, did I freak? If you could tell me, you can tell them."
"I didn't tell you! You found out by accident!" Nick looked at AJ accusingly.
"Are you still mad about that? It's been years! So what, I walked in on you and that little red head, big deal! It wasn't like you two would have had a relationship anyway." AJ laughed.
"Not after what you did." Nick began to laugh also.
"So what are we going to do about our boy Kevin?" AJ asked.
"Same thing you have done for me all these years, be there for him, plain and simple." Nick said with a sigh.
The two fell silent as they thought about the situation.
"Brian? Brian man, let me in. We need to talk!" Kevin said through the door.
"Maybe I don't want to talk to a dirty faggot." Brian's fierce voice said through the door.
The lump in Kevin's throat got a good 8 times bigger with that comment. He was about to turn away, when the door opened.
Brian's back was to him as Kevin walked in.
"So what do you want to say, queer?" Brian's voice was thick.
Kevin couldn't place it for a moment.
But when Brian turned around Kevin could see...
That's it for now, what ya think? Stay tuned for the next Chapter!