Due to the amount of emails and support that I got for the first chapter, I decided to go ahead and take a wild type at Chapter Two. I don't really know what the response on this one will be... But, I hope the story still compels all of you to continue reading it.
Laskofoley@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 18, please leave now. If you are offended by male/male sexual relations, then please, walk out of the door and don't let it hit your ass on the way out...and then jump onto the bandwagon. It's now 2003.
Any Character names that coincide with a real person's name are completely coincidental. Personalities are established off of people that I know, and therefore, oh well. Also, any songs that are used within this story are copyright their original publishers.
August 16, 2001
I...don't know why I'm here or why I'm writing this down, but to start my name is Callighan Scooter McKenzie. I'm on my way by car moving to Texas from my ...old hometown in Pennsylvania. I'm not moving there by choice. It's the only chance I have to...start over. I have to get away from my old home town, there's no way that I could have stayed after all of the troubles, the things, the...events that have happened. I'm starting to cry on this very page, with just the thought of it, the remembrance of what has happened in the past year. I was only a freshman in high school when all of this happened, but why to me? I swear I'm not crazy, I swear... I didn't mean for the things that I did to happen, and I... oh my god, I can't stand the thoughts. They...they hurt. The thoughts of the past drill into my mind like a drill into a wall... I ...swear...I swear that I'm not...crazy...I...didn't mean to...mean to k...ki...hurt that b...boy...but he deserved it! I ...I cannot write anymore, but I'll write the story in this journal the whole way to Texas... and before school starts... you'll know the story before the last page of this. The reason why I'm moving. To whoever reads this, I'm sorry that you know this, and I'm sorry that this page is so tearstained. I'm going to sleep.
August 17, 2001
We have made good distance, but this is not a documentary of my trip... it's the story of the year past.
I can remember it like it was yesterday, feel it like it was today, and wish for it like it was tomorrow. It was the first day of eighth grade, and I was at the top of the school. I was a prep, a complete conformist, perfect. Mr. Class President, the soccer captain, and everything else. I could service any girl whenever they wanted, wherever, whenever. In my car was a favorite spot, in the school bathroom, on a teacher's desk, I had it made, and I was only 14, every girl wanted to be fucked by me, and I fucked most of them. But, I used protection; some of those bitches back there were nasty. I had every teacher wrapped under my finger; the principal was my personal bitch. The coaches all did what I wanted to do, the students worshipped me like a god. I could walk into the cafeteria; say "drop" and everyone would get onto the ground, all but those fucking gothic kids who acted like THEY owned ME. Ha, those kids couldn't get head from a cheerleader if they tried. Everyone hated them, those fucking freaks, and we all had a good reason to. They were all sadistic or masochistic losers who got off on pain.
Except, one of my soccer buddies and I, well, I also liked to have sex with him. He was so tight, and if felt good around my dick as I shoved it in. It was such a turn on for me, that I had sex with him every chance possible. Before practice, after practice, it didn't really matter, I loved him, or did I love the sex? It didn't matter; I also let him fuck me sometimes, with his big cock. We did it all over my room, in every place possible, then my bathroom. I loved him with all of my life. We did everything together too, and it helped a lot that we were on the same team. We got to travel with each other to games, and we usually roomed along with each other the night before the game or after the game if it was far away. I really enjoyed those times and I wish I was still there to experience it even more. I'm going to eat now; I have to think about this.
August 17, 2001
Aleksy Paris Johansen was his name. The name that resides on the gravestone. The name that makes me want to bawl every time I hear it. The boy that I loved is dead. Murdered.
It really was interesting how all of this started... and tragic how all of it ended...
(one day after practice.)
"Hey, Callighan... my parents aren't going to be home until probably tomorrow, and they don't want me staying home alone, but they don't want me to go anywhere either...do you think you could stay at my house? You're the only person that I'd really want hanging out, I know you wouldn't trash anything." God, the request was so innocent. I remember exactly how he said it. He said it as if he was looking for his parents in the mall after being lost for a good few hours. Those eyes were so innocent. Soft to the look and wanted to make you melt.
I guess I should describe Aleksy in this, so I can remember him. He was probably around 6'1"...really soft upper body muscles, but very tight legs, black hair, and icy gray eyes with tinges of blue all throughout. He had this puppy dog eye set in his cheeks all the time, and I could just never say no to him. God I miss looking into those eyes for hours upon hours at a time. Gazing into his soul as my hands glided over his body.
So I did what any intelligent, nice, kind, caring, popular, preppy soccer playing kid would do. I walked him to my house, asked my parents, got a bag of stuff to take with me, and then walked the two miles to his house. On the way, it was really fun; we said so many things, made fun of people at school, everything that two popular friends do. The conversation got stale at times, but, as with any conversation, that happens.
"Callighan, I have a question...if I may ask it, that is." When he asked this, I was hoping he was going to say something along the lines of "Will you take me into my room, slowly strip me down, tease my nipples, suck my earlobes, and then go down on me?" Of course, that was wishful thinking.
"Sure Buddy, ask away."
"How many girls have you had sex with, and where?" God, the thought of me on top of him, with his legs spread wide open, and me inside of him, I almost shot right there, just hearing him say that.
"Well, if you really must know, I've had sex with probably 15. Oral sex probably 10 more. I've done it all over the place, in a river bed, on a teacher's desk, in the bathroom, on my bed, on my roof, wherever I want to have sex, I do." You know, I actually got a feeling of remorse when I said this. I really wish that I wouldn't have done this, but I had to keep my image up, I didn't want anybody to really know I was a fag, now did I? "What about you Aleksy, I bet you rake in the girls, with your body, looks and personality." Did I just hit on him? After I said that, I also then felt remorseful, because I didn't know if he would have caught on, it was pretty cryptic, but, he was really smart, maybe I would get lucky.
"There was this one girl, well, she was at a party, and she was really drunk, and we went upstairs, and we started to make out, she took off her clothes, I took off of mine...well..." What was the kid getting at when he said this?
"Well what?"
"She sucked me, but we never had sex more than that, I blew in her mouth, and she got pissed off and ran out." Damn child, I felt even more remorse now. I'd been the huge slut, and he only had had a blowjob in his entire life. I wanted to show him love right there, I wanted to grab onto his sides, pull him into a deep sensual kiss, and lock my lips on his. But Aleksy wasn't like that, he was straight. When I looked over at him, he had this sullen look like he was going to start crying, and he stopped walking.
"Aleksy...what's the matter? Why did you stop walking? Why so glum?" This was really odd, he was usually so happy and perky, this wasn't...normal.
August 18, 2001
The rest of the walk to his house that day was really quiet...it took him minutes to answer my question; he just stood there, and thought about it, until I put an arm around his shoulder and forced him into walking. We had to stop after a moment, because he wanted to, he wanted to just look around, make sure his soul was still inside of his body. His response was curt.
"Nothing is really the matter, well, there is something, but I'll explain it later." I felt bad for him, Just, deep down, as if something terribly wrong was brewing.
About fifteen minutes later we were walking into is front door. He had a pretty nice house, which was kept clean. I even had to remove my flip flops at the door that I decided to wear to walk over there. I'd been here before, but he gave me the tour each time, it was one of those things that I found daft and stupid, but really cute. We ended up playing Mario Party on the Nintendo64 for a while, and he beat me each time, the curse of having a Playstation. It was getting late, so we call-ordered a pizza for delivery and we went half on it each.
While we waited for the pizza to arrive, we sat down and chose a DVD to watch. We chose Armageddon, because I hadn't seen it in a while, and I thought it was a pretty kick ass movie. When we chose the movie, and got a pallet on the ground, we began to wrestle.
It was him who attacked first. He jumped on top of me, wrapped his arms around me, and then tried to put me into a headlock. I grabbed his waist and then tried to push my head into his chest, knocking him backwards, laying him down on his back. The way we landed was interesting, he had his legs in the air, and my crotch was rubbing right against his ass. I started to move my hips a little bit, sensually, and then leaned down to kiss him, with blind hope---
ding-dong Dammit, the pizza man was there, and obviously with my hard on I didn't want to go answer the door, so I gave Aleksy the money, and just laid there, thinking about what I was so close to doing just a minute ago. When Aleksy came back he put the pizza in the oven, after getting a questioning look from me, and then walked back into the room. He got on his knees by me, leaned down, and kissed me lightly on the lips.
"Now, back to what we were going to do before that hot pizza boy interrupted us." This took me for a huge surprise. I didn't think Aleksy was gay, in fact, a few minutes before; I would have made a bet that he was straight. "I suspected you were gay since day one of practice, and now, my luscious desires are going to become true."
"What do you mean `hot' pizza boy, before we get any of this started?"
"Well, Callighan, you only asked me about girls that I've had sex with before, that pizza guy used to be a really good fuck buddy for me, but with you, I'm in love, I want to make love to you, not just fuck you, and I want you to make love to me." When he said that, I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him long and hard. It was one of those kisses that confirmed loves, initiated sex, and resolved fights. We held each other there, and rolled around while just kissing like that; then the hands started sliding across each other's body. We rolled around for at least half an hour entangled, bodies and lips. We decided, silently, with our souls speaking and our bodies playing, that we should take this up to his room, so we got up, and walked up the stairs into his room, hands on each other the whole time, me, walking behind him, sucking on the nape of his neck.
From what I could tell then, it was going to be a very fun night.
Aleksy went to his CD player and put a CD in, and whispered "Callighan, I used to listen to this CD when I thought about you, I want you to understand some of the lyrics. The first song was a punk cover of a Mandy Moore song..."Crush". As it started to play, I started to whimper just a little bit. He then walked over and began to softly caress my body.
You know everything that I'm afraid of You do everything I wish I did Everybody wants you, everybody loves you
I backed up and sat down on his bed while I kissed him; he was standing over me, kissing me extremely deeply and rubbing his palms into my sides.
I know I should tell you how I feel I wish everyone would disappear Every time you call me, I'm too scared to be me And I'm too shy to say
"Callighan McKenzie, I love you, I love you more than my life itself. I would do anything for your sake." I remember I smiled while kissing him, which made it even sexier.
Ooh, I've got a crush on you I hope you feel the way that I do I get a rush When I'm with you Ooh, I've got a crush on you A crush on you
When the chorus came on, he pulled me up and started dancing with me, not a waltz, or tango anything, just moving our bodies together as one, letting our movements and fingertips speak the words for us that our hearts were so afraid to say.
You know, I'm the one that you can talk to And sometimes you tell me thing that I don't want to know I just want to hold you And you say exactly how you feel about her And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way
"And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way?" He whispered this in my ear as we stopped dancing and just stood there, rocking back and forth.
"Yes, I can and I do." I remember he began to softly cry during this, as if nobody had ever shown him or expressed towards him true love.
Ooh, I've got a crush on you I hope you feel the way that I do I get a rush When I'm with you Ooh, I've got a crush on you A crush on you
The only way I can recall this moment is saying that it was perfectly fit inside of a high school type movie, at the Homecoming dance, when the cameras are spinning around the lovers, panning all features of their body, the good, the bad, the horrendous, the beautiful, everything, all in such a little time.
Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows I've got a crush on you A crush on you, I got a crush
I put my head on his shoulder and just kissed his neck. I remember it exactly, it's making me cry, and I wish I could still be there to experience this love over and over until my end. Why did I deserve what happened? I'm...not insane.
You say everything that no one says But I feel everything that you're afraid to feel I will always want you; I will always love you I've got a crush...
This was the defining moment of all moments in my life. I put my hand on the back of Aleksy's head and he put his on mine, we slowly inched our heads forward for our true kiss, the kiss of when we knew each other's emotions, thoughts, feelings, pain, everything, packed into one little kiss. We both cried a lot during that kiss, we didn't even get to pay attention to the next song, we were both crying so hard and listening to each other's soul. Our true love had been discovered by more than just me, but by the person that I really felt the love towards too. We slowly lay down on his bed, with him on top, and kept kissing, when we broke it, he laid there on top of me, hugging my chest, and whispering "I love you" over and over again. When the next so--- I am going to go to bed now, it's too late in the night to get completely involved in writing this now, I will write in this journal again tomorrow.
August 19, 2001
I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't mean to...
The next song that was on the CD that we heard as we were lying on his bed was titled "Forever"...So many things, thoughts, whatever the things in my head should be called. I didn't mean to.
I'm all alone in bed, and I can't sleep, I'm feeling blue. I try to close my eyes, but all I'm thinking off is You! Baby only you!
As this started playing, Aleksy was removing my shirt, and me his. He slowly kissed down my body and stopped at my chest. He moved over to my right nipple and slowly began to service it with his tongue, getting it hard inside of his mouth. I moaned slightly when he flicked his tongue ever so delicately across my flesh. He moved to my left nipple and began to do the same to it, but also was massaging my stomach with his hand, he was teasing me...I had to have more. I cry my eyes out, baby. Wondering what I have to do. I look inside my heart. And I know for sure this love is true!
He was now moving down my chest, licking his lay down and leaving a steady film of saliva on my body. When he got to my belly button, he stopped, and massaged it with his tongue. It was as if, for that brief moment in time, that my mouth had moved to my belly button and he was making out with it. This put me in pure ecstasy, and I could not even try to hide my hard on if I tried. He was kissing my belly button, nibbling on the skin, and rubbing his hands on my sides. Day by day, heart to heart, I'll hope that a river ever be, together Will it be, me and you? I dream that our love will last, forever. Hold me tight, in your arms. I know we have the straight to stay together. Walk with me, hand in hand, I promise to be there, forever
When Aleksy was about to move down further, he pulled my shorts down and looked up at me with this pure innocent gaze. He removed my shorts completely, leaving me in just my white Tommy boxer briefs, which were tented with my 7.5" cock. He began to lick my cock through my boxer and moan when he thought about playing with my uncut penis. I kept on moaning for him to play with it I'm all alone in bed, and I can't sleep, I'm feeling blue. I try to close my eyes, but all I'm thinking off is you, Baby only you
When he finally slid my boxer briefs off of my body, he gasped in delight. As he was removing them, my uncut cock rolled across his face; leaving a small slash of pre- cum on his face. I lifted my head just enough to look at him, look into his eyes as he looked up for my okay, and looked into those eyes as he started going down on me. It looked so innocent, yet so sexual, like he had been craving my cock for a really long time. It was...so sexual, and it felt so good, and he started to bob up and down on my cock, giving me the greatest blowjob anybody could. Day by day, heart to heart, I'll hope that a river ever be, together. Will it be, me and you? I dream that our love will last, forever. Hold me tight, in your arms. I know we have the straight to stay together. Walk with me, hand in hand, I promise to be there, forever
He was such a pro at this. He was bobbing up and down, so hard, slashing his tongue on the inside of my foreskin. Rolling the tongue around the head of my cock, and twisting his head with each stroke, it felt better than any of the girls that had ever done this to me. After a few minutes, he added his teeth to this softly, and I put my hand on top of his head, and then started to massage his head, running my hands through his hair... which just encouraged him even more. This encouraged him to grip his hand around the base of my cock and stick all of it into his throat. He put my whole fucking cock into his mouth, something nobody had ever been able to do. Forever Forever Forever Forever
After a few more minutes of this, I was reaching my climax. My body started to get hotter, a feeling of friction spread throughout my body, it felt warm, and good. "Nnnghh...Aleksy, c—c...cu...cum...ming..." A few seconds later my climax was hit, my back arched, and spurt after spurt of hot creamy white cum started to shoot into his throat, and he sucked it all down, with the exception of just a little. After a few seconds of him letting me get soft in his mouth, he moved up and kissed me on the lips. I could feel the wetness and warmth of my juice on his lips, and then he opened his mouth, and we made out with my juices for a little bit, that is, until I felt his cock poking me in my leg. God, did he have plans for that.
God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I don't miss the sex that much; I really really just miss...him. I'm so sorry Aleksy. I really am. I have to go, for now. I will write more later today.
August 19, 2001
He was the first and only guy that I've ever had sex with. I remember every detail, everything we did, everything we said, just everything that went on between us. So much love bottled up within the hearts of two teenage boys. So many hidden emotions, so much time spent worrying.
We were making out after the blowjob he gave me, and the CD was still playing, but we weren't listening, we were listening to our old souls speak to each other, mingle, love, so many things were shared that night.
Even my virginity.
I remember the next song I heard, only because I had removed Aleksy's clothing, and I was trying to coo him into fucking me, letting me show how much I love him. I loved him because he made me his bitch. He fucked me and I loved him for it.
"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"
Aleksy then rolled over, and let me take charge, he became my little toy, and I wanted to make him squirm like nobody had before, none of those stupid bitches that I had fucked in the past, I found my soul mate, my inner being had fallen in love.
Turn around and smell what you don't see Close your eyes ... it is so clear Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen On both ways you can get in
I had gotten Aleksy naked, and had given him a blowjob just to get his cock wet, and I moved back up to his face and kissed his cheek. He had this sullen look on his face like he wasn't getting pleased and I licked his ear. "Fuck me." I whispered. He looked at me, and rolled me over onto my back. He then mounted me, and whispered "This is going to hurt, but it will feel good after a minute or so."
Don't think twice before you listen to your heart Follow the trace for a new start
He then pushed in just a little. The pain was excruciating. I wanted to cry so badly, but all I could do was moan. I wanted to scream that he was killing me on the inside, but all that I could do was scream in pangs of ecstasy. He then pushed in a bit harder and I wanted to shout for God to come and kill me to spare me of the pain, but all I could do was mutter in excitement. When he pushed all the way to the hilt, and broke my cherry, I wanted to push my fingernails into his back and hurt him for hurting me, but all I could do was grip his back, scream, and moan, all at once.
What you need and everything you'll feel Is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove The experience of survival is the key To the gravity of love
I couldn't believe these feelings I was getting, the love, the sex, the happiness, the anger, the pain. All of it was mixing inside of my head, and causing me to scream. What I thought was screams of anger and hurt came out as screams of extreme excitement and sudden erotica by being fucked by my lover, who I found out, has a 6 inch cock, that night. I loved this all, I loved being kissed as he pulled out and then shoved in again, I loved how he grabbed my shoulders and bit my neck as he rammed it all the way in again. The feelings I were getting at once caused me to scream his name at the top of my lungs. He got even more turned on by this, and just fucked me even harder.
"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"
Aleksy understood my pain, and made it gentle, yet at the same time, he made it hard, with every thrust of his hips, the feelings got stronger and stronger. I had gotten hard again by this time, and was close to orgasming again. Aleksy knew how to fuck me by now and made sure it was exciting for me. I couldn't tell him how much I loved him at that point, and the pain had subsided, now all I had was the sexy feeling of the friction of his cock being shoved in and out of my ass.
[Whispers] [Woman :] The path of excess leads to The tower of Wisdom
This feeling...it made me complete. I loved it, and I loved him, I loved everything then. I reached my hand behind his head and pulled him in for a deep kiss as our bodies moved as one, and we kissed as he pushed deeper into me. Every time he did this, I felt the excitement of a little kid on Christmas morning, just waiting to open up those presents. Then I felt the excitement of opening those gifts, but the feeling never subsided. It stuck onto me no matter what I did. Why was I thinking about this in the middle of my sex with Aleksy?
[Man :] The path of excess leads to The tower of Wisdom
He then thrust his hips in even faster and harder, and I could tell he was reaching climax, but at the same time, I started to get that feeling. As he thrust in and shouted my name, I shouted his and hugged him. We had just shared the most intimate of feelings, the one thing that proves love when it is shared. We had just had an orgasm with each other, both at the same time. After this he collapsed on top of me.
[Whispers] Try to think about it ... That's the chance to live your life and discover What it is, what's the gravity of love
He laid there on my chest and kissed it, not moving, the only thing he was doing was breathing and hugging my torso tightly, that was all I wanted and all that I really needed. I needed the love to be shown, not just acted on.
"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"
Still as a star to the human eye, Aleksy remained on chest, and hugged me even tighter with every passing moment.
Look around just people, can you hear their voice Find the one who'll guide you to the limits of your choice But if you're in the eye of storm Just think of the lonely dove The experience of survival is the key To the gravity of love.
During the last lines of the song, Aleksy moved up and kissed me on the mouth, I don't know how he did it, but it felt like somebody just hooked a battery of love and life up to my body for the first time, and locked it there. I felt as if I was no longer Callighan McKenzie, the asshole prep, I now felt like Callighan McKenzie, the gay teenager in love with his best friend. All my time was frozen motion, and all I could do was kiss him back and return the electric charge.
"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"
I'm going to sleep now before I write any more. I'm starting to bawl, and I want to calm down before I write anymore into my journal.
August 21, 2001
Heaven knows its sweet surrender. That must be Aleksy, God rest his soul wherever he may be. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect him that night, the...night of his...murder...God I am so sorry Aleksy, I hope that you forgive me.
It was homecoming night. A few months after our...first. We had decided to go the dance with some friends, and people had already started to suspect us, so when we started dancing together, it only made it worse. During the dance even our good friends were muttering "fag" and things like that, they also were freaking out that their soccer captain was gay. Well, we survived the dance, and everyone was leaving, and we were going to walk back to my house, since we were at the high school dance and it was only a mile long walk. We were probably the last two people to leave the dance.
That was the worst mistake I had made in my natural born life. Waiting in the high school parking lot was a group of football players and other various people that generally hate "fags." Four of them approached Aleksy and me and two grabbed each of us, and then put us in the back of the truck. We were held down in the back for what felt like forever, but in reality was probably only ten or fifteen minutes. When the truck stopped everyone got out and then we were ripped out of the back, to meet many flashlights shining on us, with uncountable eyes behind the shadows.
One of them stepped forward with a bat. "You know what we do with fags, right? We kill them, they are a fucking disgrace to society, and they should be exterminated." I don't know who was more scared then, Aleksy or me. The kid with the bat, who I figured out was named Jacob, reached the bat high into the air and then hit the side of Aleksy's head as if it were a baseball bat that was to be played with. Aleksy's head turned to the side and he spit blood all over me, and then fell to the ground. He hadn't been knocked unconscious, and he muttered "Callighan, I love you."
"You're going to watch your little fag of a fuck buddy die, and then you will be murdered. Disgrace to society." Another boy then stepped forward and broke a beer bottle on Aleksy's head. With the broken bottle, he then slashed Aleksy's chest and then stabbed him in the side with it.
"Callighan, before I die, I want to tell you that I love you, more than anything." That was the last thing I heard him say, because he was hit in the head with the bat again, and again, and again. Jacob was going crazy on Aleksy's body, and I was crying so hard everything was a blur by this time. I heard Aleksy release one last blood curdling scream and then I saw the outline of his body go limp. Jacob didn't stop beating on him though, and he kept on shouting things like "fag" throughout the process of tearing the one that I loved out of my life.
I remember how time froze for me at that moment. Everything was frozen and I was the only thing that could think or move. The one person that I had ever really loved had just been murdered before my very own eyes. Beaten to death with a bat, his last words were the complete confession to everyone of his undying love for me. This couldn't be happening; it was impossible. My heart was torn out of my chest at this point, and I was about to black out from the scent of blood and the outline of Aleksy's broken beaten dead body.
That's when the bat struck my face. It hit me pretty hard, and since I was already about to pass out from the scent of blood on me and around me, I blacked out. I must have laid there trapped within my own mind for hours.
Was I in a coma? Was I going to survive? Would I ever wake up, or had I already died? Was this my escape from the beating that I was receiving? Could I have found Aleksy there?
All of those questions and more went through my head in the time after I was knocked unconscious. I was shut in a black abyss with what seemed a spotlight pointed at me. I was broken, like a shattered mirror spread all over. I threw up while sitting in my dementia wondering about all of this. Maybe this was death. No heaven, no hell. You were just trapped inside of your mind forever, to ponder what had happened.
The days that must have passed, sitting alone in my head.
"Callighan, I hope you will forgive me." I turned around to see Aleksy standing there. Was he real, and in my mind also? Had he been searching for me in this black abyss?
"Forgive you for what? You did nothing Aleksy, and I loved you, and I always will, somewhere in my heart, if it's still beating somewhere out there." I wasn't even sure that this was real. I had come to the conclusion that I was dead and that nothing was going to save me now.
"I'm sorry for giving up, Callighan, I'm sorry I wanted to be the last people that left. I'm sorry about everything that happened. It's my entire fault that I'm dead. I should have done something to stop it. You? You aren't dead...yet. The choice is yours mainly; you just have to come at ease with what happened. Cry if you must, but, it's your choice to live or not right now." With that, he, or what I thought was he, walked up to me and hugged me. He hugged me for the longest time, and put his head on my shoulder, then proceeded to weep.
After what should have lasted forever, he turned around and began to run, like something was chasing him down. "I will never forget you, please never forget me, my love."
"Aleksy!! ALEKSY!! COME BACK ALEKSY I NEED YOU TO LIVE!! I NEED YOU TO BE HERE WITH ME!! I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO EXPERIENCE WITH YOU!! ALE...K...s...y..." There was no response. Only a feeling that he was still with me somehow, somewhere out there watching over me.
I sat there for more days in my black abyss; the tears never stopped flowing down my face. I realized that I was alone. But most of all, I would always love him.
Next thing I remembered I opened my eyes, and wiped the blood out of them. The truck was only now pulling off, so I must have had traveled to another plane within my mind. I was hoping I was only having a bad dream, but when the blood cleared from my eyes, I saw Aleksy lying there, with a flashlight dropped on the ground to give me light. He was so badly broken and torn up; I probably would not have known it was him. I just picked up his body and put my head into the nape of his neck and began to pour my tears out.
"Aleksy, I'm so sorry, I should be the one dead, not you. This shouldn't have happened to you. You didn't deserve it, you were so perfect, so beautiful, and nothing should have ever taken you away from me except for...God himself." I felt so much hatred towards "God" after this. I said it with such hatred and spite in my voice for allowing this to happen. I wanted nothing to do with religion if he would kill the only person that I have ever loved because he thought it would be fun to watch somebody die. What a fucking excuse. In my mind, God could fuck off.
I cried over his body for the greater amount of hours. I could hear sirens off in the distance, but nothing close to us. Aleksy's body was getting cold now, and his tan skin was turning a light blue. I wore most of his blood on my clothing, from sitting there and rocking his body back and forth, trying to comfort something that couldn't even love me anymore. I fucking hated God and everybody that did this to me. I wanted to find the bat and smite myself with it, just so I could be with Aleksy.
The stab wounds on his sides were just about the worst. They bled non stop, even though I'm sure it was the brain trauma that had killed him. In this time, I didn't care what had happened to me, what physical pain and deception I had taken in. I had bruises all over my body, probably a few broken ribs. They didn't hurt me as bad as I thought. I thought they would kill me, but decided to kill me emotionally instead.
I could see lights of police cars and hear a helicopter overhead. Were they looking for us? Did they want to find us and help us? It wouldn't be of any fucking help now. My friend, my boyfriend, my lover, was cradled in my arms dead. All I could do through my tears was lean my head back and scream. Scream so loud and so shrill that it would have torn the eardrums off of anything living. I screamed at God for letting this happen. I was so empty on the inside now. The thought of God made me cringe and just scream even louder. I wanted to shatter his "Heaven" and send it straight to "Hell," which is where he belonged. Any killer of man belongs in Hell. Any killer who kills in cold blood belongs in Hell. I wanted this God to go there too. He let those boys kill part of my heart. He let them tear my soul into pieces, and then have the audacity to spit on them.
I couldn't scream any longer, so I just started to cry on Aleksy's now ice cold body. The flashlight started to flicker, and the last thing that I saw before I was left in darkness holding the body of Aleksy in the middle of this field was god, was Aleksy's broken body.
I sat in the darkness for hours, crying, going in and out of sleep, going into fits of hysteria.
When the sun had started to rise from the horizon, rigor mortis had set in on the lifeless body between my arms. It was now stiff, and every now and then, it would shake. Based on the setting of the sun, around ten AM, we were found by the police. I couldn't even understand anything the police officer was saying, all I understood was the thoughts in my head. He called for an ambulance, since one showed up about 10 minutes later. They put Aleksy in a bag, and I tried to reach for him, and I kissed his cheek one last time. It was the separation of two souls. Something worth the murder of God. I had abandoned all hope in his bullshit.
I woke up in a hospital bed, and that was the next thing I remembered. I had wraps around my chest and a cast on one of my arms. It seemed that I didn't sustain as badly as I thought, I was just so...burned by the death of Aleksy that I didn't hear anything else going on.
That's the death of my lover, my best friend, my boyfriend, Aleksy Paris Johansen.
August 23 2001
His funeral was even worse on my mind than anything else. It was the final goodbye. The pastor did his eulogy of Aleksy, and then I was asked to speak, because I was his best friend.
When I stumbled up to the podium and gazed out into the audience, I saw people I never expected to come. The church must have had 500 people in it. There was barely enough room for everyone to sit.
"Aleksy...Aleksy and I weren't friends. We were soul mates. We gave our all for each other, helped each other with everything, and solved our problems with each other. Aleksy is dead today because he was a homosexual teenager in America. What really couldn't be helped in today's society was this murder. Nobody wants to stick up for anybody but themselves anymore. Aleksy was a tender hearted young man. He beamed happiness everywhere he went and never left anyone unhappy. He made my life so much better, and made sure our soccer team was cheerful even after a loss. Aleksy brought a lot of happiness to those around him, and we are all thankful for that. That's why, I promised to let his final goodbye be a big one, and to impact people to change." I was crying too hard at this point. "Aleksy loved all of you, and all he ever got was bitter hatred from most of you because he was different' or abnormal.' What about some of you? You all have flaws, he had one too, but he was murdered because of it?" I was spouting out tears by this point, and could not finish my speech. I got an ovation from most of the people, which isn't a normal thing, but I must have impacted on them pretty well.
I stood in front of the casket as they started to play the song that Aleksy and I were in love with. It displayed everything that I thought and felt at that time. All the anger, the sorrow, the pain of losing him. But at the same time, it gave me hope that he would be watching me forever, as my guardian. It didn't stop my hatred of God though.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay there's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release memory seeps from my veins let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight
People got up and started to approach the casket, to lay things from their lives with Aleksy they wanted buried with him to remember forever. He was so lucky to have all of these friends, family, and neighbors. People that supported him throughout his life, and would even support him in death. Everyone came up, kissed their hand, and touched the casket, while whispering several things. Aleksy would truly be missed.
During this time I stood in front of the casket and cried. I stared at it as if it were my death too. I cried for Aleksy, for me, for everyone here.
in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there
The line was gradually getting smaller, and his parents were standing at the head of the casket, both crying about as hard as I. They would miss their son, forever. I would miss him and remember him forever. People were giving him things that they received from him, such as cards, rings, notes, everything. One of the men, who looked to be homeless, came up to the casket and put a violin next to it. Aleksy was rich and wanted to help poorer people during his lifetime, and obviously this man appreciated the gift he had received.
I cried even harder, realizing that soon this vessel would be buried six feet underground with Aleksy inside.
so tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting you keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference escaping one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
The line was almost completely empty now, and all that was left was people from school. They were all giving him memories. Jerseys, everything that would forever remind him of the friends that he had while in High School. People had loved Aleksy no matter what he was, and they all wanted to show it. They wanted to return the love that he had given him throughout his short life before God let people smite him down.
Aleksy had a thing with giving, he always gave, never wanted to receive material things, he wanted to help people and better the world. He had dreams of stopping world hunger, and stopping people from being homeless, and stopping war. Aleksy was the best person anybody could ever ask to know, and here he lay in a wooden box because some high school student didn't like what he was.
I was beginning to cry so hard I got on one knee and put my head against the casket. I was hoping that somehow my thoughts would go through, get to him, and be taken forever with him. I wanted my love to be taken with Aleksy to the grave, but I kept feeling a sense that I was supposed to keep it. I cried and shook on that casket, and Aleksy understood.
in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here
The line of people had now ended, and I was left with my parents sitting in the front pew watching me, and his parents sitting next to mine. I was the only person left with the casket. His parents and mine had known after about two weeks of Aleksy and I dating that we were, and they were all okay with it. I just sat there on my knees with my head against the casket of my now dead love, wishing that he would be back.
Feeling empty... feeling sorrow... feeling, everything, without a bit of hope, only bitter pain and grief. But all of a sudden, I felt as if I wasn't alone with the casket, I felt as if somebody was standing over me, massaging my shoulder with their hand. The touch was warm and had a lot of love in it, and I knew it was Aleksy. I only cried harder at this point. He was telling me how okay it was, how he would be with me forever, and how he knew why he died. He was there to comfort me, telling me that no matter what happened he would protect me.
I took one of the rings he gave me, opened the casket, and put it on his finger. "To my eternal love, who will forever be in my heart, until I die." I swear, he was smiling when I closed the casket again. I get back on my knees and touched the side of the casket with my hand, and said "Goodbye Aleksy."
His parents and mine both walked up to me, and put a hand of support on my back, and the pallbearers walked in. I was one of them, so I joined them in carrying the casket to the hearse and then got in the respectable vehicles.
When we got to the cemetery, there was a beautiful display set up, and when we removed the casket, I almost felt good that I was helping to send off Aleksy to wherever he was going. They lowered the casket, and I kept whispering "I love you."
I leaned down and touched the headstone. It read "Aleksy Paris Johansen... Beloved Son, Boyfriend, and Friend." Then it had the dates of his birth and death.
The saddest day of my life happened that day.
August 25 2001
I tried to be okay with it. After six months, Jacob admitted he killed Aleksy and took a gun to his head. The summer was okay, but dad got a job transfer and we were going to move to Texas.
I promised to keep in touch with the Johansens as they were like my secondary family. I promised to write or email all of my friends back home and make sure that they knew what was going on in my life. That, now, is why I am writing this, to tell someone in the future the happenings of my life before moving to wherever I am going.
I hope that my future brings me love like that of which I had. Aleksy is still with me by my side to this day and I still love him for it. He protects me, sticks around when I need him, and lifts me up when I fall down.
To whoever reads this, I am sorry if it saddened you. It is just what happened in my life, Callighan Scooter McKenzie. The life before I moved to Texas, the life with the one person other than my parents that I could say truly loved me.
Signed,
Callighan McKenzie
So, there was chapter two, I'm so sorry. I know this was probably really hard for a lot of you to read, but I had to explain Callighan's story.
Please keep the feedback coming, laskofoley@yahoo.com positive or negative.
Should I write Chapter Three?