Life at Last

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I don't like to talk about myself, but I guess I have to, as to give you an idea of who I am, where I come from and where I am going to. My name is Ramses. Yes, indeed, my parents were great fans of Egyptian history and culture. They met in the early sixties when it was all "Love and Peace" and the golden age of the Flower Power. They were not exactly hippies, but certainly took all the advantages of their culture. It was the sexual revolution and to be "in" you were fighting for your own rights and freedom. The big part of freedom was of course to have sex whenever and wherever you wanted. When they met, my mother was still a virgin and my father inexperienced. But they were so much in love and their friends convinced them that they had all the rights in the world to express it physically, so they did. My mother was very open about it when she told me when I was fifteen. She said my father was so clumsy in those days and suffered from premature ejaculation during months in a row. But with time, he learned to control himself. In those days the condoms were not really something they used a lot. Even Durex was not so sure about their future. My mother calculated the days she could have sex and the days it was better to avoid it. As you can imagine, she made some mistakes in her calculations and was soon missing her period. Nine months later, in 1965, I woke the entire neighborhood with my first cry in this world.

In those days my parents were considered rebels as they refused to follow the worlds conventions and didn't marry. Nonetheless, my father recognized me as his son and both their names appeared on my birth certificate and I had my father's surname. Those who pretend to remember their first three or four years are, in my opinion, big liars. I didn't go to kindergarten, as my parents still lived in a kind of community where all the children were taken care of by its members. The first real memory I have was my first day at school. My God! That was an adventure I didn't like at first as I was suddenly confronted with discipline. That was new to me! In our community we were supposed to live as freely as possible with no obligations. It was supposed to help us develop our own personality and learning things as they came. But at school, teachers had other ideas about that. My biggest problem was to sit still, keep my mouth shut and listen. My teacher, Mrs. Benson, was a very kind woman with a beautiful smile and she took her time to explain why I suddenly had to obey even though I didn't understand the "why" of some things I was told to do. She was a teacher like there are none anymore today. She was kind, convinced about her job and tasks, patient as an angel and with a real gift to teach.

I learned to read and write, making additions and subtractions, and even had an idea how the contours of my country looked like. Mrs. Benson had a way to bring these simple things to six years old in a playful way. In that first year, the basics were put in my head that I wanted it or not. The big, BIG advantage I had was that my parents were very open-minded and answered whatever question I had. That was another lesson I received outside school: if you don't know something, just ask. If Mrs. Benson was as patient as an angel, my mother had invented the concept. I was the typical kid with the never-ending question: "Why?" and when I got an answer it was automatically followed by another "Why?" My mother would answer all of my "Why?" till I stopped asking.

My whole world changed when I was seven. My parents had fallen in disagreement with the rest of the community and for the first time we lived in a house on our own. I had my brother and my sister, but missed the other friends of the community. At school I had a friend, Sam, who had not been raised in a community. He fast became my best friend and whenever you saw Sam, I was very close by and vice versa. We went to school together and after school we spent most of our time together as well.

I developed a real interest in what my teachers taught me. To my teachers and my parents it was clear I was going for the more intellectual side, rather than sports or physical activities. Sam was just the opposite. So we discovered we were complementary. In PE classes he was my coach and pushed me to my limits whereas I helped him out with mathematics and other stuff. I fondly remember those years and our friendship grew day-by-day. It was not until I was twelve that I saw my father with a suit for the first time. He had found a job and got a promotion, but it obliged him to wear a suit. I thought he looked like a penguin and said so. I had never seen him laugh so hard. It was around the same time that I discovered a real passion for literature. I was literally devouring books. I had a library card and used to full extend. As a direct result, my vocabulary was seriously enhanced. For Christmas I asked for a dictionary where Sam asked for new Nike's.

Sam and I entered puberty almost at the same time and started to discover changes in our bodies. I had asked all what I wanted to know to my mother. Sam's mother was not that open about it, so when he had a question he asked me and we ran together to my mother to have the answers. In our house sexuality was a subject that was openly and freely talked about. In Sam's house it was more of a taboo. It was years later, when Sam's father wanted to have the famous father to son conversation about sex that Sam asked his father: "Ok, what do you want to know Dad?" and that was the end of the conversation.

As teenagers, Sam and I experimented together, meaning that we discovered we had hard-ons, hair growing in our pubes, could jerk off and bit-by-bit produce semen. My parents had absolutely no problem at all that we discovered it together. My mother just asked to close my bedroom door when we did as my brother and sister were still to young to understand. We were doing that stuff together, but even though some guys at school wanted to include us in their games, we declined. It was as if we wanted to be faithful to each other and not include anybody else. When I mentioned it to my mother, she explained to me what homosexuality was. At the same time she explained me very clearly what Respect was. She taught me that Respect was the most important aspect in life and that those who had it were really blessed. Sam didn't understand it at first as he associated Respect with fear for the elders. My mother, patient as she was, explained him the difference. It was around the same time that she also taught us the importance of Trust. Very soon I understood that any relationship was based on three pillars: Feelings, Respect and Trust. That was printed in my head and in my heart like the grammar and spelling in literature.

All in all, Sam and I had a wonderful childhood and youth. We realized that our friendship was as strong as could possibly be and that it would for life.

In 1983, just after I turned eighteen, my parents and Sam's went on a weekend trip together, leaving us in charge of my younger brother and sister. It was during that weekend that Sam and I discovered we liked to have sex together. I mean that it was more than just jerking off. We kissed and sucked each other, with a lot of body contact and enormous climaxes. I remember it clearly because on the Sunday afternoon, around the time we were expecting our parents back, there was someone ringing the front doorbell. When I opened the door there were to policemen asking for Sam and me. A drunken truck driver had hit my father's car. Sam's parents and my father had been killed instantly. My mother was in hospital in a critical condition.

In a matter of less than 24 hours, I grew adult and mature. My mother was in hospital for over three months! Several surgeries were necessary to have her body back into working order. The main problem was that she didn't remember a thing. Not the accident, not her life or her name and she didn't even recognize us, her own children. Fortunately, my father had an excellent insurance coverage with his work. All the hospital bills for my mother, the funeral for my father, everything was taken care for. Sam was not so lucky, but had only to face the funeral of his parents. Their house was sold and after paying off the mortgage, there was just enough to pay the funeral. Sam moved to an aunt's house at the other side of town and we missed each other terribly. We were used to see each other every day and now we were limited to weekends and so on.

It took months for my mother to recover physically. Her memory came back bit-by-bit. We showed her all the photo albums we had and snippets of her life came back to life. It took her time to realize we were her children. It was my little sister Angela who had the most problems with it. She couldn't accept the fact my mother didn't remember things. My brother Ken was miserable but tried not to show it.

When my mother came back home and living in what used to be her environment, things sped up a bit. It was about six months after the accident that, watching television, she saw an accident and her full memory came back. With the full recovering of her memory, she also realized her husband, the love of her life, was gone. She was inconsolable. One of the things that had been badly damage was her liver. In her state and with the medication she had to take, alcohol was totally prohibited. But she didn't care. I pleaded with her not to drink, but the more I insisted, the more she drank. I tried to call her doctor for help. He warned her that she was drinking herself to death. She shrugged her shoulders.

Once the liquor cabinet was empty, she started to hide the bottles of liquor she bought. I called the social services, but they couldn't help me either. Each day, after collecting my brother and sister from school, when we arrived home, she was on the couch, sleeping and trying to get on her feet to make dinner. But she was so drunk that most of the time I told her to rest because otherwise she would burn dinner anyway.

On the first anniversary of the accident, she was crying and whining and blaming the whole world that they had taken her love away. There was already an empty bottle of Gin next to the couch and on the table there was already a second one, half empty. She didn't even use a glass anymore but drank directly from the bottle. That day she was about to open a third bottle that she kept hidden when she collapsed in the living room. I called the emergency, but when the paramedics arrived, they could only note and confirm she was dead. She died on the same date of my father with just a year in between.

Sam and I graduated but only my brother and my sister were there to congratulate us. We both wanted to go on studying, but there were more urgent matters. I had to provide whatever my brother and sister needed. I knew that with the degree I had, I couldn't have very well paid jobs, but I figured that with my salary, we could manage to live. The money I got from the insurance was kept for harder times or unforeseen costs. The house we had inherited was paid, but had to be maintained.

At the age of twenty, I had a job that paid better than the first one. My brother did some odd jobs and gave me the money he earned. I always accepted fifty percent of it and advised him to save as much as he could. My sister turned fifteen and started to do some odd jobs as well. We all agreed that fifty percent of our wages would go into a common pot to pay for food, drinks, and general maintenance of the house. The rest was to be kept for oneself.

It was more than two years after my mother's funeral that we had a very unexpected call from a lawyer. He said he was representing my grandparents on mother's side. We were convinced they were dead as we had never met them and never heard about them. The fact was that they had disowned my mother when she was pregnant of me. They didn't accept my father as a son in law. But my mother was their only child and the lawyer was obliged to find any descendants. After a lot of search he had found us. The news he had for us was an absolute shock. My grandmother had died first, some five years ago. My grandfather was a very good businessman and had a flourishing and wealthy business. We were asked to show up at the lawyer's office and when we did, we were amazed at the luxury of the premises.

The lawyer, Mr. Herbert Stapleton, was a man of about fifty years old and had been my grandfather's lawyer all his life. He looked like a sincere and honest man (amazing, isn't it?). What he had to tell us was stunning and amazing. First of all, Mr. Stapleton showed us photo albums. It seemed that my grandfather, although he had disowned his only daughter, had a private detective following us our entire life. There were pictures of my parents and then the evolution and growth of Ken, Angela and me. There were even pictures of my father's funeral and my mother's. Grandfather had made notes next to every picture, with the date and the place where the picture had been taken.

Next to the albums Mr. Stapleton had a box with a lot of unopened letters. The writing on it was different of that of my grandfather and the lawyer told us it was our grandmother's. I would need time to open them all and read them. All were addressed to both my parents.

And then Mr. Stapleton went over to read the will. He put me in charge of everything! I was the only one mentioned as heir and had to decide what to give to each my brother and my sister. There were quite some things in the list of the patrimony. First there was there house (which we had never seen) and all its contents. Then there was his business, which consisted of a hardware store. Then there was his investment's portfolio showing a nice asset. And last, but not least, there were two bank accounts that showed figures I could only dream about. It was difficult to assimilate such a wealth all of the sudden.

All his assets were to be mine once he died, with the condition that my mother was not to receive a penny and that I was over twenty-one. It seemed all the requirements were fulfilled as my mother was dead and I was twenty-two. Mr. Stapleton made me sign quite a bunch of papers that I had no clue what they were. He took his time to explain to me what each paper was for. When everything was signed he handed me a key ring that contained much keys. Each key had a label telling what it was for. He then gave me a paper with various addresses on it: the address of the house, the address of my grandfather's business, the keys to his car and so on, as well as a list of people with their telephone numbers. He said that all his bills had been paid and that I didn't owe him anything anymore. He also handed me an envelope with some cash money for first expenses.

My brother and my sister didn't assimilate exactly what had happened inside the lawyer's office. I was well aware of it, but didn't know what to do with it. First I opened the envelope with the cash money. It contained over two thousand euros. We unanimously decided to take a taxi to grandfather's house. As the taxi driver entered an up-scaled neighborhood, I just wondered what we were going to find. He stopped in front of a fenced property. We entered the property and followed the paved road that led to the main entrance. I found the key to the main door and opened it. The house was a nice three-bedroom villa. Everything was spotless and nicely furnished. The kitchen was semi-professional.

So here we were, owners of a house with all its contents. In the garage there was what seemed a brand new BMW 320 station wagon and an older Mazda Miata. I guessed the Mazda had been grandmother's car. Ken, Angela and I visited the whole house. It was nice, but we were so used to my parent's house that we had a hard time even imagining living here.

I closed up the house. We went to the garage and took the BMW 320. We went back to our house. My brother and sister went each to their room doing whatever they did when they were there. I sat down in the living room and thought it all over. I was suddenly the owner of a second house and I knew that the maintenance of that second house was probably going to be even more expensive than the one we were living in. Although the heritage came with quite some money, I didn't know what to do with two houses. The best thing to do was probably sell the villa and set-up a fund for Ken and Angela to study and got to university if they wanted.

I had a lot on my agenda and the first thing I needed to do was to quit my job. I could afford it and with all the things to do, I needed time off. Once I had given my notice, I took the list of names and went to my grandfather's hardware store. It was located in the industrial part of town. It was far bigger than what my imagination had come up with. It was actually the size of a big supermarket.

• Hello, I am Ramses Dobson, late Mr. Dexter's grandson. I come to see Mr. Colton if he is available.

The girl at the customer's attention smiled at me and punched a few buttons on the telephone with the end of her pencil and announced I was at the reception.

A man of about forty came out of his office and up to me with his hand stretched out.

• Mr. Dobson, he said, what a pleasure to meet you. Please accept my condolences with the passing away of your grandfather. Please, follow me.

He led me to his office. He offered coffee or whatever I wanted. I declined politely. He asked me what was the purpose of my visit. He was obviously not aware that my grandfather had left everything to me.

• Mr. Colton, I am here because it seems to be I am now the owner of this store. Although I don't know anything about this business, I am here to learn. What I do know is what Mr. Stapleton told me: my grandfather left everything to me and in his will it is clearly stipulated I am in charge. But I don't have the first clue about hardware business.

• Please call me Kevin, Mr. Colton is my father, he said with a smile.

He seemed to be a nice man. He tried to explain the current situation.

• I am the general manager of the store right now. Your grandfather asked me to take over his job when he got ill and was not capable of running the business like he did. That was about two years ago. I guess you will take over your grandfather's job. I will be here to help you as much as I can. I don't know what kind of studies you followed but a basic knowledge about business management would, be good for you to have.

I explained him the situation about my parent's accident and what followed: the need for me to quit school and take care for my brother and sister.

• I am sorry to hear what happened, Kevin said, but I guess we can find a solution to that.

I couldn't help to look at Kevin. He was a very handsome man with a sincere and bright smile all over his face. I instinctively looked at his hands but there was no trace of a wedding ring. Despite of the seriousness of the conversation, my imagination got a little wild, but only for a very short time, just enough to feel a slight little change in my groin.

• What would be good, if you are interested, is that you back to school and get some kind of degree about business management. If you can't afford it, I guess the company could pay for it, but that would be your decision as you are now the new owner. While you do that, I can, again if you want, continue to manage the store to the best of my abilities, till you are ready to take over the management. I would, of course, show you all the ropes about it, specific to this store.

That was not a bad idea indeed. Although I had never thought of owning a business and manage it, it would give me good job and a way of taking care of the Ken and Angela. I would have to look into it.

Kevin gave me the grand tour of the store and introduced me to every member of the personnel. They all seemed to like Kevin and it gave me peace to know he was probably a good manager, respected by the employees. He treated everybody with respect and knew them all on a first name basis. I noticed as well that they were all smiling and that made me think they seemed happy to work here.

After we had talked about most aspects of the business, I had to run, as I wanted to go to the bank and discover exactly what was in store there. Kevin went with me to the parking lot and saw I was using grandfather's BMW.

So that you know, Kevin said, the BMW is a company-leasing car. That means that you don't have to worry about any costs. All is paid for. If you need to take some gasoline, I guess, knowing your grandfather, that there is a gasoline-card in the glove department. The pin-code is 2008 if my memory is correct. Your grandfather had the same pin-code for everything, as he didn't want to make any mistake.

We shook hands and promised to keep in touch. Kevin gave me his private cell phone number that I immediately put in my cell. I looked a last time straight into his eyes before I got into the car and drove off. I liked the way he looked at me.

At the bank I was ushered into the manager's office. He was an older man, perfectly dressed and very professional, introducing himself as Mr. Evans. No first name basis was used with him. He looked at my ID and the paper Mr. Stapleton had given me.

We went over all my grandfather's assets and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had not to worry about money for a long, long time. Mr. Evans explained everything to me in detail and then made me sign quite some papers to have it all transferred to my name. He said that the debit and credit cards would take a few days to be ready. I asked him some advice about what to do with the two houses. He told me it would be good to have a realtor or an inspector see both of them and give a professional opinion as which to sell and which to keep. I agreed with him and asked him to call me as soon as an appointment was made.

I looked at my watch and saw I just had time to drive over to the school to get Ken and Angela. Once we were home I asked them to sit down and explained them the reality of things about the house, the business and the bank. They listened closely and when I was finished they both said they trusted me to do the best I could. Ken thought it was maybe a good idea that I went back to school as well. He thought that the business would be a nice income and if I trusted Kevin, I had time to learn what was necessary. He was so much more mature than his actual age. I asked them both if they wanted to study or drop school once they graduated and go to work. I wasn't really surprised when they both told me they knew what they wanted to do: Ken wanted to be a lawyer and Angela wanted to be a nurse. Following my parent's way of life and thinking, I agreed with both of them.

To lighten up a little the seriousness of the conversation I then asked them both how they were coping with every day life. Did they need what was called the "sex talk" but they both laughed heartedly at that. They both knew I was gay as they had seen me interact with Sam in the past and had openly asked me about it. I had been open enough with them and never hided my being gay. I asked Ken if he had a girl friend, or boyfriend, but he said that he had not been in the right mood for it since our parent's accident. Now, he wanted to concentrate on his future and then he would see what to do about GIRLS! He insisted a lot on GIRLS. Angela giggled at that that. For her part, Angela admitted there were a few boys that were apparently interested in her, but she found them to childish. She wanted to find the right man for her and said she would wait the necessary time to find him.

I took information to know where and when I could go back to school. It was clear to me that the hardware store was a good business and I had to learn whatever it was to run it properly. I had to wait a few months before classes would start and in the meanwhile I agreed with Kevin that I would receive some training in all the departments of the store. I made it clear I wanted to be treated like any other employee. What I didn't tell him was that I just wanted to be near him as much as I could. The more I saw him, or even talking with him over the phone, the more I realized I had a crush on him. Officially he was my employee and therefor on forbidden ground, but I couldn't help thinking about him and even more fantasizing about what I would do with him if we were to be on our own with no witnesses at all. My erotic dreams about him were so vivid that my whole body responded to it.

Here I was, working as an employee in a hardware store, responsible for my younger brother and sister, with a heritage that was bigger than anything I had ever dreamed of. I was twenty-three and, even if I say so myself, a lot more mature than most guys my age. I was on the verge of starting school again and had a major crush on my store manager. I was gay and did neither hide it nor advertised it. I knew what respect was and gave to anyone I met. That never failed me. When I looked in the mirror I liked what I saw without being narcissistic. My regular sports activity had given me a nice body, not really muscular but without any fat either. I had some straight hair on my chest and a nice treasure trail showing the way to a nice healthy cock that could get so hard that it sometimes hurt. My arms and legs were covered with hair as well, and I was constantly wearing a two to three day's stubble on my square jaw. With the years, my light brown eyes, with green little spots, had slightly gone greener with light brown spots. I noticed I received more and more glances as well from women as from men.

Angela grew to be a very nice young woman. We got closer to each other. It often happened that she cuddled up to me when we were watching television. She easily opened her heart to me and telling me how she felt. She was still not over the death of our mother. We often looked at the photo albums that my mother had made with tender care before the accident. It happened that we cried together and than consoled each other.

We sold our grandfather's house following the advice of the inspector. We didn't have any emotional attachment to that house, as we had never seen before. Mr. Evans at the bank was of very useful help and even arranged the mortgage of the new owners. He made good suggestions about investing the money of the sale. The only thing we kept from that house, were the two cars. I couldn't sell the BMW anyway as it was a leasing car. I kept the Miata, as I was sure that Ken or Angela would like to have it when they obtained their driver's license.

Although the classes had started, I kept going to the store every day. The official excuse was to keep an eye on my property and learn as much as I could about the business. Kevin was a patient teacher and I was doubly motivated, as I wanted to be a good manager, but even more because it gave me time with Kevin. The course I was following was spread over three years, but my results after the exams at the end of the first year were that good that I asked my teachers if there was any possibility to do year two and three together in one year. They said it was most unusual. I explained my situation and after quite some deliberation they exceptionally accepted. I will never forget that year! I worked harder than I had ever done. I studied long hours and often fell asleep on my books, but I was determined. I didn't allow me any distraction or free time. I did what I had to do for Ken and Angela and for the rest I was with my nose in my books. The only exceptions were for my brother and my sister's birthdays and Christmas. Just one other exception I made was for the annual personnel's party at the store.

I was finally ready for the final exams. During a few weeks I lived on coffee and didn't sleep enough, except the night before each exam. When the last exam was over, I slept for exactly twenty-three hours in a row. The graduation ceremony was beautiful and held in the gardens of the school as the weather was sunny and bright. Ken and Angela were there, of course, and I had the pleasant surprise to see that Kevin had come as well. I received a special mention for achieving the complete course in only two years and it was funny to that there was a general applause, but three people whistling and cheering at the top of their lungs. For the first time I invited them all three to a nice restaurant and not a Burger King! It was very nice and pleasant and Kevin even offered a bottle of Champagne. Sam couldn't be there, as he was in the army and couldn't get time off, but he sent me a congratulation card. We didn't have a lot of contact anymore, but each time it was a pleasure to meet and talk. That was the most beautiful part of our friendship: even though we didn't talk for months, once we were together again it was as if we had seen each other the previous day. Sam, being my best friend, was the only one to know I had a crush on Kevin.

At twenty-five, I was the head and owner of the hardware store. I left the general management to Kevin. He deserved it. We had long hours together and could talk on a same level. I was no longer the dumbass as I was the day we first met. With our joined efforts, the business was really flourishing. I was still frustrated that I couldn't touch Kevin the way I wanted. Over the years I had never seen him with a girlfriend. My hopes were still up, but... he was still my employee and that made him off-limits. Nonetheless, we started to see each other out of the office. It started with business lunches. Then we had some celebration dinners at birthdays and other festivities. We even started to have a morning run on Sundays. I learned quite a lot about his background. He was an only child, as his parents didn't want to have any. When his mother got pregnant at the age of forty, it was a real surprise for them, but they raised him with a lot of love and real good values for life. They had died of natural causes and he was still living in the parental house. He had started in my grandfather's business at the bottom of the ladder and worked his way up with hard work and a good commercial sense. He had worked during the day and studied at night and my grandfather had rewarded his efforts. In his spare time he loved literature and the occasional good movie. We discovered we had very similar tastes in music and loved to be physically active without becoming gym rats or the like. In one word: we were really compatible. It was obvious that we voluntarily avoided speaking about relationships or sex. I sometimes caught him looking at me with an intense stare and wondered what it meant. Of course, I hoped it was because he was interested in me, but feared it at the same time. We were growing to be friends much more than boss and employee. We had a lot of fun and laughs together and enjoyed each other's company immensely. He became part of the family so to speak. Christmas was a family celebration, but he was always there.

It was Angela who discovered my secret after one of our gatherings. Kevin had left and Ken was up in his room studying. We were cleaning up the kitchen.

• Ram, she said (she never used my full first name), is there anything you have to tell me?

• What do you mean Sis?

• Come on, don't bullshit me. Have you ever noticed how Kevin is looking at you? And do you have any idea how you look at him? It is as obvious as the nose in the middle of your face that you have feelings for each other! You maybe think you are discreet, but you can't fool me. I am your sister, you know?

I dropped the towel I had in my hands on the counter. I pulled a barstool at the island and sat down. She looked at me with loving eyes.

• Is it that obvious? I asked.

• For me it is, she answered.

• Ok, I admit. But there is a major problem Sis. I am the boss and even though he is older than me, he is my employee. It is ethically not justified.

• Ethically, huh? I think that you are looking for excuses because you fear rejection or wonder what will happen if it doesn't work out like you want. Can I ask you a question?

I nodded.

• Of all the people who are working for you, about how many of those do you know who they are sleeping with?

• A few of whom I met the spouse or husband, I said.

• Good, and do you know if those married people cheat on each other?

• My God Angela! No, I don't. I don't go and investigate their private lives!

• Good. That is exactly my point. What you do in your private life is just that: PRIVATE! Why would it be different for you? At the store Kevin is your general manager at the same level you are. You are both professional and are there to work, not to fool around. Once you leave the store you are just Kevin and Ramses. I have never seen you advertise you are gay and I can tell you that people who don't know it, would never guess you are. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your problem and who you do it with is no one's business.

She had a point there. She seemed to gather her thoughts and then went on.

• I think that you are both wasting your time looking at each other and hoping. Maybe you are not the kind of guy to make the first step. What happens if Kevin is just the same? Are you going to look at each other, wanting to express your feelings till the end of days? I think you both deserve better than that, don't you think?

Where was that little girl that cuddled with me on the couch, watching cartoons or a movie? She had grown into a nice and fine woman. The guy who could steal her heart would be very lucky!

• Do you love him?

I had to think about that. Did I really love him? Or was it just lust for his hot body? Had I idealized him over the years? Was it just friendship or did I want to take it to the next level? There was no point in lying to myself, or her as a matter of fact. It hit my like a hammer in the face.

• Yes, I do love him. It started the first day we met. I found him attractive and nice. With time I discovered a very interesting personality and a good friend. Together we discovered quite some compatibility and enjoyed every single moment we shared. But Sis, I don't even know if he is gay!

• Let me tell you big brother: he is as gay as you are. Call it female intuition if you want, but I bet my life on it!

She came over to me and took my hands in hers. Her beautiful eyes fixed them on mine.

• You deserve to be happy Ram. It wouldn't be fair that you did all you did for us and end up all alone when we leave the house. You are a good man and Kevin is as well. I know in my heart that you love each other and by shutting up your mouths you won't reach any satisfaction. My God! You communicate in every possible way and almost have no secrets for each other. Why is it that you can't communicate when it comes to probably the most important part of your life: feelings? If it too awkward to invite him for a nice dinner and declare your love, you can always suggest a hiking trip or even just a walk. But do it! Follow your heart.

With that, she stood up, kissed me on my forehead and left me alone with my thoughts. I knew she was right. Her female insight and her love for me made her say these things. I was making decisions every day, with or without risks. What did I risk with talking to Kevin? It was not even that I misread the signs, as Angela had read the signs. She had always been confident about her intuitions and feelings. I didn't remember one single time she had made a mistake. Was I capable of taking Kevin's hand in mine, looking him straight in the eyes and tell him that I loved him? The worst that could happen was that he would turn me down, but what was the best that could happen? The best would be that the feelings were mutual and reciprocal. The best could be that he took my face in his hands and brush his lips against mine. The best could be that we would make love. What was wrong about that? Nothing!

Nonetheless I was still struggling with the ethical part of the equation. Why did it have to be so hard? Why could love not be just something easy? Probably because if it was easy, we wouldn't appreciate the full extend of what we achieved. Kevin had taught me from the very start at the store to make decisions, being confident and control whatever situation came up. Wasn't it best to show him I had learned the lesson? I maybe couldn't control the situation a hundred percent, as I didn't know his feelings for sure. But all the rest I could control.

I switched off the lights and went to my bedroom after showering. I slipped between the sheets and said a silent good night to Kevin. I hugged my pillow imagining it was Kevin's body and drifted off to sleep.

To be continued it you guys tell me you like the story. All comments welcome at amahy1957@gmail.com