Caution: The following contains situations where adult males are romantically involved. If this is not to your liking, or you are underaged and should not be here, please accept this invitation to leave immediately. Otherwise read on and enjoy.
Lehigh and Kian
Dear Thomas,
I have been reading your stories, and I have never written to an author before. I want to thank you so much for this gift you have given me. I hope that you will answer me, but I realize that you must be very busy.
Thank you,
L.
I received this letter some time back. I'm Thomas, by the way. I write gay romance novels. My stories are not written to provide fodder for a quick wank though. They are hopefully written to provide entertainment and hope for the reader. I do have a "regular job", but I try to answer most letters.
"Dear L,
Thank you for writing to me. It means more than you can know. I am married, (to a woman) and 61 years old. It's a long story how I came to the point I am at now, and I won't expand on it unless you ask. In the mean time, I am always interested in who likes my stuff, so would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself? (Uh -- your first name might be a starting place.)
Luvnhugsnstuf! Thomas"
I sent this letter off, in the way I have to so many before. I am married to a high school sweetheart. When I was 17, it was NOT okay to be gay, nor did anyone ever admit it -- if they even knew it themselves.
I certainly didn't.
I knew that I was attracted to the other guys. I always had been -- since I was about 8. I was very sexually attracted to guys between 17 and 30 at that young age.
By the time I was in high school I tried to suppress any sexual feelings I had for guys -- with little success -- and lived with the assumption that I would "outgrow" these feelings, as a teen outgrows acne.
I was very good looking and dated all the popular girls -- one at a time -- as they found out that I did not push the right buttons or something -- and moved on to a boy who would. And ... they were far too forward for me!
Until I met Elaine. We met in 11th grade English class. She had seen me dancing in a contest on a Los Angeles TV station, two years before. She was not too interested in me at the time, because I was dancing (I was 14 at the time) with her best friend. But we did not meet until two years later, in 11th grade in that fateful English class. Little did I know that she had seen and watched me ever since the first day in tenth grade when we started high school together.
As luck would have it, our last names placed us next to each other in that English class where the teacher placed us alphabetically. I was not very good at memorization, and when I got behind in poetry memorization, so did Elaine -- ON PURPOSE -- to get some quality time with me in after school detention -- to make up the memorization.
"I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell! They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog!"
This is how I noticed Elaine. I placed a call to her best friend -- to get Elaine's phone number. When I called Elaine, as you might guess, her number was busy because Her friend dialed her number immediately and said, "Elaine, hold your breath! Thomas Stephens is going to call you and ask you out!"
I kept dialing (persistence was never my problem) until I got her. I asked her to a party at my house that next Friday night -- that my older brother was having.
She was perfect for me. We attracted each other like magnets. She was looking for a guy that was not threatening to her -- because she had been sexually abused when a very little girl. I was looking for a girl who was not forward with me -- because I was gay, but did not know it.
We were married when I was 20, and we had 4 children by the time I was 30. I had little time to think about anything outside my marriage. I was too busy taking care of my four children, and -- protecting them from their mother.
It turned out that having children brought out the worst in Elaine. She became a witch of the worst kind. Well maybe not the worst -- she never physically abused them.
Each one of them asked me in later years why I stayed all those years. You see, I was the one she abused the most. There WAS a reason I stayed: In that era -- in California -- the father hardly ever got custody of the children in divorce cases unless he could prove physical abuse to the children. And I could not justify leaving them with her.
So I stayed.
The children are all grown and have children of their own (14 at last count) and I am still with Elaine. She has reverted back to the sweet girl I dated in high school, except she now knows I am gay -- I told her a few years before my first affair -- with a guy.* And as sweet as she is now, it will never be enough to make up for the hell I went through earlier. For convenience and to keep "stability and integrity" in the family ... I still stay.
"Hey!
I was so surprised to get your letter, Thomas. Thanks. I can't tell you what it meant to me. Truly your stories have changed my life. My life has been pretty much hell before now. I was almost ready to give up. You have given me hope. You have no idea how scared I was even to write to you.
I have been very careful in the past about giving even my first name, because it is not a usual name that you hear. But something tells me I can trust you, I am Lehigh. I am 21 years old and gay. Only my best friend, Elaine, knows this"
"Hmm -- same name as my wife." I thought. Small coincidence.
"I can't tell you how just receiving your letter has brightened my life. For the last ten years it seems most days I dread getting up, and more than a few times have contemplated -- doing something -- to myself. Your stories -- and now -- you -- have given me more than you can know.
Thank you so much, for saving my life. And ... I definitely want to know more about you.
Lee"
Is it something in the universe? What is it that I feel for this boy? This seems totally nonsensical. He's only 21. I'm 61. We've never laid eyes on each other. And yet -- why do these particular emotions come up?
"Dear Lee,
Well, you have definitely grabbed my attention. Saving your life? That's a big responsibility. I don't quite know how to respond. Maybe we can agree to be friends. I get so lonely sometimes, being married to a woman and craving a guy. But I cannot justify leaving. It would take something away from the integrity of my family.
Have you ever -- had a boyfriend -- or girlfriend? I dated nothing but girls from 7th grade (12 years old) to when I was married at 20. Now 40 years later, I'm still married, and really, I have a good life. I am partially ashamed that I HAVE had a couple boyfriends, just in the last ten years. I say partially because she was very abusive to me and my children for many years. And I suppose because of my religious beliefs, I feel some guilt too.
I "played" with boys when I was a preteen, but that came to a screeching halt with adolescence. Not that I chose it, but it was somehow just the rule that older boys didn't play. Did you ever experiment with boys while growing up? That sounds almost silly to me -- because in my mind you are still growing up! LOL. Please don't take offense at that. It's just that I am so much older than you.
What is your family life like? You said you were unhappy for many years. Can you tell me why?
Well, I must get some work done, so again, thank you for being my friend.
Love, Thomas."
I sent this off as I did with each letter, not really expecting anything back. But within minutes, I got a reply.
"Hey, Thomas!
We must be online at the same time. Cool! Okay, to answer your questions:
I have never dated any guy or girl. Nor have I ever touched or kissed any -- at any time. I am a virgin. I never knew my bio-dad, and my mom made some poor choices for step fathers. I had two that were mean and abusive. She stayed with them both too long, but the last was the worst. I live with my mom, and my little sister and her boyfriend.
Wow! You have had a couple boyfriends in the last ten years? But not now? What happened? Well, maybe that's none of my business. I wish we could talk face to face. I don't know why, but I got this goose bumpy feeling as I read your letters over this morning. What is this feeling? I don't know, but I know it feels good, that's for sure!
What things did you do with boys as a preteen? That was just never an option where I grew up -- well, as far as I knew, anyway.
Thomas, you signed your letter with love. Did you really mean that? I really want to know, because I think that's what I am feeling for you. Well, I know it is, but it feels more than that -- or something.
So anyway, I will sign of the same way,
Love, Lee"
I wonder if he got that when he wrote it? "Love, Lee!" Sounds lovely! Heh. Well, he may be waiting for my response so I will answer now.
"Dear Lee,
Well, you may have opened Pandora's Box. I will direct you to one of my online stories to get the story on my first affair. It's called "Adam" and is in the no-sex section of the same site my other stories are. It only tells how we mat and how we got involved, but with no details and nothing past the first naked experience we had.
After Adam came another, Manny, whom wrote to me because he is of the same faith as I and read a notice I left on a message board almost two years before he wrote to me. I had forgotten about the message, when I got an email from him. He was 29 at the time and I was 57. He just was lonely like me and wanted to talk to someone else who believed as he did. He was native to Spain, but lived in Germany.
We hit it off big time. He saw me as a dad figure for sure, but the more close we got, the more he wanted to do things that fathers and sons just don't do. So did I.
Within 4 months, he was on a plane from Germany, where he lived, and headed for my town. What he had not told me was that he was wealthy beyond anything I could imagine. His family owns villas in nearly every major European city -- just to have a place to stay while visiting.
His plan when leaving Germany was to make me an offer I could not refuse -- to take me back to Europe and take care of me ... in style ... for the rest of my life. What he didn't plan on were a few of things. Cultural and sociological differences and ... my family.
I have met a total of three guys form Europe who got close with my family. Each one was disbelieving that a family could be so happy. In their experience, families were not close or people as happy as everyone seemed to be in America. They each, including Manny -- called us phony -- because we faked being happy.
That is such a sad thing, that family happiness -- indeed happiness in general -- was so foreign to all of them. I am afraid, based on my acquaintance with those three guys -- that most Europeans are not happy -- and don't have happy families. That's probably false.
Anyway, when Manny got here, and met my family (who by the way also blew him away with their goodness!) and saw how we lived, and we both recognized the vast differences in our background and especially our cultural differences. One of the things that I could not accept was his hate for America.
So, both of us were not only supremely disappointed, but also heart broken, because we truly were very much in love before we found these things out. Our first two weeks together were pure bliss, physically as well as emotionally. We didn't get as far as the "big one", but spent many happy hours in each others' arms.
Fast forward, past a re-heating up of my relationship with Adam, then getting hurt by his eventual find - - Calvin. I encouraged him to find someone -- even nagged him about it, loving him enough to want the best for him, and admitting that "playing" with a married man - - was just NOT the best for any single guy.
After 1-1/2 years "alone", I got the first letter from Lehigh. Our feelings for each other rose to a high level very quickly.
We also didn't plan to fall for each other in such a way ... it just happened. I was in the midst of making plans to travel 2000 miles to "see" Lehigh during an otherwise business trip when I got another letter:
"Hey!
Your story really affected me! Thanks, Kian"
"Dear Kian,
Thank you for your letter. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Which story did you read?
Please tell me a little about yourself, Kian. I am 61, married to a woman and gay. I hope that you are not offended by that. My circumstances are unique to me, and if you are interested, I will explain further.
Luvnhugsnstuf, Steve"
Kian wrote back, telling me that he was a 28 year old virgin who was waiting for the "right guy" to come along. After some back and forth, including phone calls from California to Australia and back, Kian was proclaiming his everlasting love for me. (Kian is from England, and has been living in "Oz" for about 6 months) He told me that his life meant nothing before we started to communicate. I was completely taken in by his cockney charm and raw honesty.
I was also getting very conflicted feelings within me. I loved Lehigh to pieces. I loved Kian to pieces. I had never met either of them. I secretly imagined the three of us in a very special way. I told both of them the same things:
"Sweetheart, whatever we might have cannot last." I told each of them, as I had to Adam, earlier. "You deserve a guy all your own, who is not tied to a family - a family that ALWAYS must come first. So if we have something special, just always remember that it must come to an end someday, and -- someone will get hurt -- and that someone will probably be me."
A letter from Lehigh:
"Dear Daddy,
I will do nothing to ever hurt you. I want no one but you, and will take whatever you can give me. I love you! If I ever did anything to hurt you, I'd want to die.
My love forever, my sweet Thomas, my Daddy, my love,
Lehigh"
A letter from Kian,
"Hello Gorgeous,
There is always a way around any situation. You are my first love -- and if you will allow it, I'd love to call you my boyfriend -- my first. It CAN work. I want to love your family and everything about you. There is a way - - we just have to find it.
I love you, Gorgeous!
Kian"
Kian was definitely a positive thinker!
I answered them both back. I told Kian that I already had a commitment to 21 year-old Lehigh, and that I could not hurt this sweet boy. Kian said he understood completely, and would expect nothing less of me. I was afraid to tell Lehigh about Kian, though. Lehigh is so young and has had so much pain and hurt in his short life already. Less than two weeks earlier I was telling HIM that he will someday hurt me, and here I was already worried about hurting HIM!
Then something sprung out at me like a revelation: Kian is very good with psychology and could help Lehigh more than I can! I introduced them, with the hopeful intent that maybe something more than just friendship might happen between them.
It was not long before both were telling me of their joy in meeting each other. They loved chatting, writing letters, and could not wait to talk on the phone.
I was so happy that they got along so great. In seemingly record time, they were actually falling for each other! They both told me that they STILL wanted ME to be their first love -- that I should be the one to introduce them to physical love.
I saw that each of them also were struggling with this thing as I was. How can I love two? I again wrote almost identical letters to them, explaining that I was willing to go with whatever they wanted, but that since they both were virgins, it might be better to only have physical love between the two of them. It really hurt me to say that, but I could see it might be for the best if they truly were meant for each other.
From the first, I knew I was going to get hurt - - someday, but -- I didn't know it would be so soon, or that it would hurt quite this bad - - considering I still had never met either of them in person. I explained to each of them how I was hurting but that they should continue their explorations into each other's worlds, and that I would be okay.
And I know that I will be. I have hidden my heart before, and I have found that I would rather love and lose than not love at all. I know from past experience the excruciating emotional pain of losing a loved one, and I also know the feeling of nothingness when I built a wall around my heart. I'll take the pain over the nothingness every day1
But they each assured me that they wanted me to participate in their cherry popping ceremonies. I still dreamed, but again encouraged them that once they are committed to someone -- each other if that is what's happening -- then any thoughts of a 3-some should discouraged.
While Lehigh still insisted on me at least being a participant in their physical love, Kian was the first to get my message. He was so worried about hurting me, and yet his love for Lehigh was growing at such a breakneck speed as to consume his every thought.
How can you even ask that? Of COURSE it hurt me deeply, but "right is right" and I knew that it had to be this way. Lehigh was still disappointed. I really think he would still love to taste both of us at once, but he is susceptible to good, logical sense, even at the young age of 21. I was overly susceptible to it at 61, and Kian was just plain practical from the beginning and jealously started to guard his territory.
AND ...
This is the way it should be. When two people are in love, all former promises go out the window. It is the test of true love -- as much as it hurts to implement it.
So ... both "boys" want to stay in my life. This is bittersweet, but what can I do, with the decisions I have made? I'm screwed ... or not!
Dear Thomas,
I have been reading your stories, and I have never written to an author before. I want to thank you so much for this gift you have given me. I hope that you will answer me, but I realize that you must be very busy.
Thank you,
L.
I received this letter some time back. I'm Thomas, by the way. I write gay romance novels. My stories are not written to provide fodder for a quick wank though. They are hopefully written to provide entertainment and hope for the reader. I do have a "regular job", but I try to answer most letters.
"Dear L,
Thank you for writing to me. It means more than you can know. I am married, (to a woman) and 61 years old. It's a long story how I came to the point I am at now, and I won't expand on it unless you ask. In the mean time, I am always interested in who likes my stuff, so would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself? (Uh -- your first name might be a starting place.)
Luvnhugsnstuf! Thomas"
I sent this letter off, in the way I have to so many before. I am married to a high school sweetheart. When I was 17, it was NOT okay to be gay, nor did anyone ever admit it -- if they even knew it themselves.
I certainly didn't.
I knew that I was attracted to the other guys. I always had been -- since I was about 8. I was very sexually attracted to guys between 17 and 30 at that young age.
By the time I was in high school I tried to suppress any sexual feelings I had for guys -- with little success -- and lived with the assumption that I would "outgrow" these feelings, as a teen outgrows acne.
I was very good looking and dated all the popular girls -- one at a time -- as they found out that I did not push the right buttons or something -- and moved on to a boy who would. And ... they were far too forward for me!
Until I met Elaine. We met in 11th grade English class. She had seen me dancing in a contest on a Los Angeles TV station, two years before. She was not too interested in me at the time, because I was dancing (I was 14 at the time) with her best friend. But we did not meet until two years later, in 11th grade in that fateful English class. Little did I know that she had seen and watched me ever since the first day in tenth grade when we started high school together.
As luck would have it, our last names placed us next to each other in that English class where the teacher placed us alphabetically. I was not very good at memorization, and when I got behind in poetry memorization, so did Elaine -- ON PURPOSE -- to get some quality time with me in after school detention -- to make up the memorization.
"I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell! They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog!"
This is how I noticed Elaine. I placed a call to her best friend -- to get Elaine's phone number. When I called Elaine, as you might guess, her number was busy because Her friend dialed her number immediately and said, "Elaine, hold your breath! Thomas Stephens is going to call you and ask you out!"
I kept dialing (persistence was never my problem) until I got her. I asked her to a party at my house that next Friday night -- that my older brother was having.
She was perfect for me. We attracted each other like magnets. She was looking for a guy that was not threatening to her -- because she had been sexually abused when a very little girl. I was looking for a girl who was not forward with me -- because I was gay, but did not know it.
We were married when I was 20, and we had 4 children by the time I was 30. I had little time to think about anything outside my marriage. I was too busy taking care of my four children, and - protecting them from their mother.
It turned out that having children brought out the worst in Elaine. She became a witch of the worst kind. Well maybe not the worst -- she never physically abused them.
Each one of them asked me in later years why I stayed all those years. You see, I was the one she abused the most. There WAS a reason I stayed: In that era -- in California -- the father hardly ever got custody of the children in divorce cases unless he could prove physical abuse to the children. And I could not justify leaving them with her.
So I stayed.
The children are all grown and have children of their own (14 at last count) and I am still with Elaine. She has reverted back to the sweet girl I dated in high school, except she now knows I am gay -- I told her a few years before my first affair -- with a guy.* And as sweet as she is now, it will never be enough to make up for the hell I went through earlier. For convenience and to keep "stability and integrity" in the family ... I still stay.
"Hey!
I was so surprised to get your letter, Thomas. Thanks. I can't tell you what it meant to me. Truly your stories have changed my life. My life has been pretty much hell before now. I was almost ready to give up. You have given me hope. You have no idea how scared I was even to write to you.
I have been very careful in the past about giving even my first name, because it is not a usual name that you hear. But something tells me I can trust you, I am Lehigh. I am 21 years old and gay. Only my best friend, Elaine, knows this"
"Hmm -- same name as my wife." I thought. Small coincidence.
"I can't tell you how just receiving your letter has brightened my life. For the last ten years it seems most days I dread getting up, and more than a few times have contemplated -- doing something -- to myself. Your stories -- and now -- you -- have given me more than you can know.
Thank you so much, for saving my life. And ... I definitely want to know more about you.
Lee"
Is it something in the universe? What is it that I feel for this boy? This seems totally nonsensical. He's only 21. I'm 61. We've never laid eyes on each other. And yet -- why do these particular emotions come up?
"Dear Lee,
Well, you have definitely grabbed my attention. Saving your life? That's a big responsibility. I don't quite know how to respond. Maybe we can agree to be friends. I get so lonely sometimes, being married to a woman and craving a guy. But I cannot justify leaving. It would take something away from the integrity of my family.
Have you ever -- had a boyfriend -- or girlfriend? I dated nothing but girls from 7th grade (12 years old) to when I was married at 20. Now 40 years later, I'm still married, and really, I have a good life. I am partially ashamed that I HAVE had a couple boyfriends, just in the last ten years. I say partially because she was very abusive to me and my children for many years. And I suppose because of my religious beliefs, I feel some guilt too.
I "played" with boys when I was a preteen, but that came to a screeching halt with adolescence. Not that I chose it, but it was somehow just the rule that older boys didn't play. Did you ever experiment with boys while growing up? That sounds almost silly to me -- because in my mind you are still growing up! LOL. Please don't take offense at that. It's just that I am so much older than you.
What is your family life like? You said you were unhappy for many years. Can you tell me why?
Well, I must get some work done, so again, thank you for being my friend.
Love, Thomas."
I sent this off as I did with each letter, not really expecting anything back. But within minutes, I got a reply.
"Hey, Thomas!
We must be online at the same time. Cool! Okay, to answer your questions:
I have never dated any guy or girl. Nor have I ever touched or kissed any -- at any time. I am a virgin. I never knew my bio-dad, and my mom made some poor choices for step fathers. I had two that were mean and abusive. She stayed with them both too long, but the last was the worst. I live with my mom, and my little sister and her boyfriend.
Wow! You have had a couple boyfriends in the last ten years? But not now? What happened? Well, maybe that's none of my business. I wish we could talk face to face. I don't know why, but I got this goose bumpy feeling as I read your letters over this morning. What is this feeling? I don't know, but I know it feels good, that's for sure!
What things did you do with boys as a preteen? That was just never an option where I grew up -- well, as far as I knew, anyway.
Thomas, you signed your letter with love. Did you really mean that? I really want to know, because I think that's what I am feeling for you. Well, I know it is, but it feels more than that -- or something.
So anyway, I will sign of the same way,
Love, Lee"
I wonder if he got that when he wrote it? "Love, Lee!" Sounds lovely! Heh. Well, he may be waiting for my response so I will answer now.
"Dear Lee,
Well, you may have opened Pandora's Box. I will direct you to one of my online stories to get the story on my first affair. It's called "Adam" and is in the no-sex section of the same site my other stories are. It only tells how we mat and how we got involved, but with no details and nothing past the first naked experience we had.
After Adam came another, Manny, whom wrote to me because he is of the same faith as I and read a notice I left on a message board almost two years before he wrote to me. I had forgotten about the message, when I got an email from him. He was 29 at the time and I was 57. He just was lonely like me and wanted to talk to someone else who believed as he did. He was native to Spain, but lived in Germany.
We hit it off big time. He saw me as a dad figure for sure, but the more close we got, the more he wanted to do things that fathers and sons just don't do. So did I.
Within 4 months, he was on a plane from Germany, where he lived, and headed for my town. What he had not told me was that he was wealthy beyond anything I could imagine. His family owns villas in nearly every major European city -- just to have a place to stay while visiting.
His plan when leaving Germany was to make me an offer I could not refuse -- to take me back to Europe and take care of me ... in style ... for the rest of my life. What he didn't plan on were a few of things. Cultural and sociological differences and ... my family.
I have met a total of three guys form Europe who got close with my family. Each one was disbelieving that a family could be so happy. In their experience, families were not close or people as happy as everyone seemed to be in America. They each, including Manny -- called us phony -- because we faked being happy.
That is such a sad thing, that family happiness -- indeed happiness in general -- was so foreign to all of them. I am afraid, based on my acquaintance with those three guys -- that most Europeans are not happy -- and don't have happy families. That's probably false.
Anyway, when Manny got here, and met my family (who by the way also blew him away with their goodness!) and saw how we lived, and we both recognized the vast differences in our background and especially our cultural differences. One of the things that I could not accept was his hate for America.
So, both of us were not only supremely disappointed, but also heart broken, because we truly were very much in love before we found these things out. Our first two weeks together were pure bliss, physically as well as emotionally. We didn't get as far as the "big one", but spent many happy hours in each others' arms.
Fast forward, past a re-heating up of my relationship with Adam, then getting hurt by his eventual find - - Calvin. I encouraged him to find someone -- even nagged him about it, loving him enough to want the best for him, and admitting that "playing" with a married man - - was just NOT the best for any single guy.
After 1-1/2 years "alone", I got the first letter from Lehigh. Our feelings for each other rose to a high level very quickly.
We also didn't plan to fall for each other in such a way ... it just happened. I was in the midst of making plans to travel 2000 miles to "see" Lehigh during an otherwise business trip when I got another letter:
"Hey!
Your story really affected me! Thanks, Kian"
"Dear Kian,
Thank you for your letter. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Which story did you read?
Please tell me a little about yourself, Kain. I am 61, married to a woman and gay. I hope that you are not offended by that. My circumstances are unique to me, and if you are interested, I will explain further.
Luvnhugsnstuf, Steve"
Kian wrote back, telling me that he was a 28 year old virgin who was waiting for the "right guy" to come along. After some back and forth, including phone calls from California to Australia and back, Kian was proclaiming his everlasting love for me. (Kian is from England, and has been living in "Oz" for about 6 months) He told me that his life meant nothing before we started to communicate. I was completely taken in by his cockney charm and raw honesty.
I was also getting very conflicted feelings within me. I loved Lehigh to pieces. I loved Kian to pieces. I had never met either of them. I secretly imagined the three of us in a very special way. I told both of them the same things:
"Sweetheart, whatever we might have cannot last." I told each of them, as I had to Adam, earlier. "You deserve a guy all your own, who is not tied to a family - a family that ALWAYS must come first. So if we have something special, just always remember that it must come to an end someday, and -- someone will get hurt -- and that someone will probably be me."
A letter from Lehigh:
"Dear Daddy,
I will do nothing to ever hurt you. I want no one but you, and will take whatever you can give me. I love you! If I ever did anything to hurt you, I'd want to die.
My love forever, my sweet Thomas, my Daddy, my love,
Lee"
A letter from Kian,
"Hello Gorgeous,
There is always a way around any situation. You are my first love -- and if you will allow it, I'd love to call you my boyfriend -- my first. It CAN work. I want to love your family and everything about you. There is a way - - we just have to find it.
I love you, Gorgeous!
Kian"
Kian was definitely a positive thinker!
I answered them both back. I told Kian that I already had a commitment to 21 year-old Lee, and that I could not hurt this sweet boy. Kian said he understood completely, and would expect nothing less of me. I was afraid to tell Lehigh about Kian, though. Lee is so young and has had so much pain and hurt in his short life already. Less than two weeks earlier I was telling HIM that he will someday hurt me, and here I was already worried about hurting HIM!
Then something sprung out at me like a revelation: Kian is very good with psychology and could help Lehigh more than I can! I introduced them, with the hopeful intent that maybe something more than just friendship might happen between them.
It was not long before both were telling me of their joy in meeting each other. They loved chatting, writing letters, and could not wait to talk on the phone.
I was so happy that they got along so great. In seemingly record time, they were actually falling for each other! They both told me that they STILL wanted ME to be their first love -- that I should be the one to introduce them to physical love.
I saw that each of them also were struggling with this thing as I was. How can I love two? I again wrote almost identical letters to them, explaining that I was willing to go with whatever they wanted, but that since they both were virgins, it might be better to only have physical love between the two of them. It really hurt me to say that, but I could see it might be for the best if they truly were meant for each other.
From the first, I knew I was going to get hurt - - someday, but -- I didn't know it would be so soon, or that it would hurt quite this bad - - considering I still had never met either of them in person. I explained to each of them how I was hurting but that they should continue their explorations into each other's worlds, and that I would be okay.
And I know that I will be. I have hidden my heart before, and I have found that I would rather love and lose than not love at all. I know from past experience the excruciating emotional pain of losing a loved one, and I also know the feeling of nothingness when I built a wall around my heart. I'll take the pain over the nothingness every day1
But they each assured me that they wanted me to participate in their cherry popping ceremonies. I still dreamed, but again encouraged them that once they are committed to someone -- each other if that is what's happening -- then any thoughts of a 3-some should discouraged.
While Lee still insisted on me at least being a participant in their physical love, Kian was the first to get my message. He was so worried about hurting me, and yet his love for Lee was growing at such a breakneck speed as to consume his every thought.
How can you even ask that? Of COURSE it hurt me deeply, but "right is right" and I knew that it had to be this way. Lehigh was still disappointed. I really think he would still love to taste both of us at once, but he is susceptible to good, logical sense, even at the young age of 21. I was overly susceptible to it at 61, and Kian was just plain practical from the beginning and jealously started to guard his territory.
AND ...
This is the way it should be. When two people are in love, all former promises go out the window. It is the test of true love -- as much as it hurts to implement it.
So ... both "boys" want to stay in my life. This is bittersweet, but what can I do, with the decisions I have made? I'm screwed ... or not!
- that story can be found in the nifty/gay/no-sex section and is called, "Adam/"