Left Without Words 6
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"Left Without Words 6"
It was that tightness in the center of my chest that kept me from speaking. Not one intelligent word could fight its way to the surface. And yet, the bubbly joy inside refused to be kept silent for a long enough period for things to become awkward. If nothing else, I wanted to keep Deme talking for the simple gift of hearing him speak. The fact that he spoke any words in my direction at all was a blessing, and I cherished every euphoric moment of it.
And yet...I was too scared to say anything. Everything was so perfect...I was afraid to be greedy and push it into an uncomfortable level of total 'lose', you know? He was just...stunning. My roaming eyes couldn't find a single flaw in his angelic presentation to the world. Not one. It's almost enough to make you feel inferior as a human being, being in his presence. It would be one thing if he was extremely gorgeous, but he was dull, or bland, or maybe even an asshole. But he's none of those things. He's just as intriguing and engaging on the inside as he is on the outside. It's almost like he had no clue how breathtaking he was in every possible way. As if he were clueless when it came to the effect he had on everybody within eyesight. How is that possible? HOW???
Yeah, it was an honor to have him want to just sit here in the shade in the park and talk to me. And with a few bashful peeks at one another and a few involuntary giggles...it seemed that we were involved in a conversation without words. One that excited me to the point of raising goosebumps on my skin. Wow. To think...the highly erotic nature of the moment came from nothing but sunshine, fresh air, a smile, and an extended silence. What a wondrous experience it is to fall for someone so special.
"I like this." Deme said, finally shattering the hush that fell over us.
"The park?" I asked.
"Yes. It is quiet here. Back home, the parks close to my house are so crowded. Not that I don't like to be around other people, but there...the only time I get to be alone with my thoughts is when I am trapped in my bedroom." He said. "Sometimes, I like to enjoy a bit of isolation...without actually being isolated."
"I think I can understand that." I said. "Home for me is my mom and my sister, and sometimes it gets to be a little bit 'crowded' there too. Just with the two of them. It's like...girls united, you know? I don't think my mom has any idea what makes me tick. Hehehe!"
"Yes! You understand." Deme smiled. "Well, not 'girls united', but I often feel as though the people around me do not get it. I try to explain, but...it makes them more confused, I think."
His accent was so elegant sometimes. It gave me the shivers to hear it. "Nobody said it was easy being different." I said. I'm not even sure where the statement came from. Maybe it was me speaking from my heart instead of my head, like he said.
Deme replied, "I do not think I'm different. I believe we are all the same, just in different ways." He thought about it for a second, then he giggled to himself. "Wait...perhaps I did not say that correctly. That does not make sense."
But I said, "Actually, it kinda does make sense. In this really exquisite way. I think I get what you mean."
He looked at me sideways with a smirk. "You pretend."
"No! No pretend! Hehehe! It's like...we all want the same basic stuff out of life...but the motivations are different, you know? We just...need to figure out how to all reach the ultimate level of 'happy' in life before it's all over. And that means different things to different people. I guess on some plane of existence we're all alike in that respect. The devil is in the details, I suppose." I wasn't looking at Deme when I said it, but the pause to follow it made me look up to see if he was still paying attention.
The look in his eyes was indescribable. It was open, unrestricted, infatuation. He stared right into my eyes and...I can't lie...it made me nervous. This frightening novelty was something that I had never experienced before. Between those queasy wiggles in my stomach, my shortness of breath, and the unintentional signal from my brain to start the 'instant erection' process...my body went completely haywire. Even when I forced m eyes back down on the blanket we were sitting on, my heart throbbed with a passion that threatened to cramp up the excited muscle and strike me dead right there on the spot.
Again, I was speechless.
Ok, genius...you started flirting and you've gotten his attention...so NOW what? Did I even have a plan in place after that? Would I even have the courage to go through with it if I did?
Lucky, twice in a row, Deme made the first move to progress our interaction a bit further. He shook off his current daze and said, "Hey, you want to see something really cool?"
As if I wasn't too busy swooning with love to say no. "Sure..."
Deme reached over and took a hold of my hand. That alone was enough to send an electric shock up my arm and into my spine where it quickly spread to the rest of my body with this festive vibration that caused me to nervously giggle out loud. That's when I saw Deme leaning over to the side to lay down on the blanket. Still trembling with boyish enthusiasm...I let him guide me down to lay beside him. Hehehe...we were ummm...we were close. Like, our shoulders were almost touching...but not quite. Still, I could feel a hint of his body heat from the close proximity. He was on his back and inspired me to mimic him as he looked up at the branches of the tree we were sitting under.
He asked, "Can you see it?"
I'm like, "See what?"
He said, "When I was little...I used to go to the large pond at the end of town, and look at the way the sunlight used to shimmer on the ripples of the water. I always thought it was so beautiful." Deme sighed happily, and then added, "But other times...when I lay under a tree on a warm day, such as this one...I can almost see the same. Do you understand?" He asked.
"Sunlight? On water?"
"Yes. If you look at the leaves and the many branches...and the sun shining through them as the wind blows...it is almost 'same'." Deme smiled, dreamily looking up at the branches above. "Just like ripples in the water. You see?"
I looked up and...after a moment of trying to see things from his perspective...I think I saw what he was talking about. It's like...the wind would blow...and the leaves would shake, the branches would bend slightly, and the sunlight would almost 'sparkle' as our shade was permeated by the rays of daylight. You could even hear the leaves shaking up there. It was...so beautiful. How did I go my whole life without ever noticing something like this before?
"Whoah...I think...I think I see it." I said.
"You do, yes? Is pretty awesome, right?" Deme grinned, his accent tingling in my ear long after the sentence was spoken.
I smiled so wide that it hurt. Deme and I just laid there, side by side...looking up at the leaves as they swayed back and forth, and I felt as though I had been given a peek at a whole new world that I never knew existed before. A part of my brain tried to tell me that it was just a dumb old tree...but something about witnessing its beauty with Deme by my side made it so much more.
Deme was speaking in this really soft voice when he said, "I used to lay under a tree like this one...and I would see the leaves and the wind and the sun rays...and I would pretend that I was flying above the water. Looking down upon it, and appreciating the pond for everything that it was without so much as casting a shadow upon it. I know this sounds strange, but...it always made me feel as though I could see the unseen. That I could appreciate the world in a manner that many could not. It always brought me peace." Then he turned his head to look at me, and he said, "It is what I feel, sometimes, when I look at you, Shane. Like...I can 'appreciate' you. In a way that no one else can. I guess that makes me feel special inside."
"I think it makes me feel special too." I said, but I kept my eyes focused up to the leaves. I'd melt into a complete mess if I had to look into those shiny brown eyes of his. Besides, I was trembling so badly that I'm surprised I was able to control the convulsions long enough to say anything at all. There was this intense 'pull' being forced on me that was almost too strong for me to resist. Only fear kept me from surrendering to the urge. A fear that was gradually fading away as I got to know him on a more intimate level. What will I do if it disappears completely? Will I ruin it all by losing my self control? Will I kiss him and get rejected? And if so...will it have been worth it? Just for that one taste of his lips?
Silence was the answer. For both of us.
We stared up at the leaves, who seemed to lightly applaud for us as a gentle breeze passed through them. I didn't say anything, but Deme appeared to be ok with us just being quiet for a few minutes. There's always this weird need to feel like you have to 'entertain' the people around you every second that you're together or else you start worrying whether or not you're being a lame waste of time. But I didn't feel that with Deme. I felt like...he was entertained just by having me there. Isolation without being isolated, except we were...together.
Yikes. Now I'm the one who's not making any sense.
It was then that I felt Deme shuffle, ever so slightly, beside me. He felt a bit closer, somehow. It made me smile, but I kept my eyes focused on the sky. And then...a touch. So subtle...so innocent...that I had to ask myself if it was just a random mistake or if he did it on purpose.
The way I talk about it, you'd think that he just brazenly rolled over and grabbed my crotch or something. But he didn't. That's not the kind of touch that I'm talking about. His...his pinky finger touched my pinky finger. Gently. SO gently. With both of us laying on our backs, our arms down at our sides...it might have just been an accident. Right? At least, that's what I was thinking until a minute later. I hadn't really reacted or pulled away from him after the first touch of our fingers. I think Deme took that as a sign to maybe try again. And this time...he was a little more bold in letting me know that he was actually trying to get a reaction out of me. Not in a blatantly sexual way or anything. He just...he stretched his finger out to tap and lightly rub my own in a way that let me know that he wanted me to notice this time.
Believe me...I noticed.
It was a major step for me...HUGE step for me...but I used my pinky finger to reach out as well. I can remember feeling as though I had this big clog of solid ice cubes in my lungs...but when his pinky finger and mine started to rub up against one another...the thrill of it nearly caused me to stop breathing entirely. Awww, I didn't know what I was doing! But it felt right. All of it felt like...the core magic of life itself. I just didn't want it to end. It scared me, but I think I liked that. Does that make me a freak? I don't know. Does it really matter?
Our pinky fingers curled up and locked around one another. Deme and I turned our heads to look at each other briefly. Just long enough for us to share a flirtatious grin before we looked up at the sky again. However, Deme was bold enough to move his hand over enough to grab my hand completely. I had trouble emotionally processing everything that I was feeling at that moment, but the stifled giggles came bursting out of me anyway.
"This is ok, yes?" Deme asked me.
Full of warm fuzzies and infatuated tingles, I said, "Yeah. This is totally ok."
"Good. For me as well." He said. Then, with a sigh, he said, "This feels cool."
My heart was bouncing around like an energetic bag of sugar nitro puppies in my chest, but I tried to contain my awe and excitement as best as I could. I felt him give my hand a firm squeeze, his thumb lightly rubbing itself back and forth against my skin. And when I finally got the courage, I did the same to him. His palm was so soft. So warm. I wish I had the guts to do more, but...for what it's worth, I don't think I've been more aroused in my entire life. Just from holding his hand in mine. Flesh pressed against flesh. A companionship and a, hopefully, mutual attraction...shared under the unapologetic canopy of joyful tree leaves in the park, and the subtle glory of a sunlit afternoon. Who knew that something so amazing could be achieved so effortlessly when you had the right person in your life to inspire that beauty within you. Heh...God, I'm turning into such a sucker for love.
More silence.
The kind of silence that you could only really appreciate when your heart and soul did all the talking for you.
Deme's fingers were so long, and so thin. When our innocent hand holding turned into something more intimate...our fingers laced themselves together, interlocking with an affectionate embrace. It was his touch that suddenly put my brain on 'boner alert'. It was growing faster than I could come up with unsexy thoughts to interrupt its journey towards rising to full mast! I didn't want him to see it. I don't think I was advanced enough yet to just let some random boy see me in my most aroused, most vulnerable, state. Give me a break! I'm a teenager! I know that Deme was the hottest boy on Earth, but I've never ever been in a position where me having an erection in front of somebody else was considered 'ok'! Up to this point in my life, getting a boner was something to get laughed at when the teacher called you up to do your book report in front of the entire class. I wasn't quite used to the concept of just having a big old bulge of obscene boy sword sticking straight up in my pants for another boy to see! I guess I'm still a little shy about being...you know...a sensual being, or whatever.
Although, I must say...Deme is quickly elevating me to a higher ground when it comes to this 'sexy' stuff.
I didn't want to let go.
Sure, my temperature had risen to the point where the fever burned the back of my eyelids, and my lungs felt as though they were being squeezed by a hungry boa constrictor, and I had to keep concentrating on staying still for fear that I'd float away into the clouds and never find my way back down again...but still...I didn't want to let go.
Deme's thumb was now making slow circles on the back of my hand. I got a chill from the fear of such an experimental touch, but made the decision to mimic his movements. I just kept staring up at those rustling leaves, the sound of my own breathing combined with throbbing pulse of my own heartbeat flooding my ears to the point where I could almost hear nothing else. I fearfully turned my head...just an inch...and tried to catch sight of Deme's beauty in my peripheral.
He had the most content smile on his face. As if everything was right with the world. Who knows? Maybe it was.
Unable to resist any longer, I turned my head further to the side to see the sweetest blush in Deme's cheeks. This time, the movement caught his eye, and he turned to look back at me.
Our smiles widened simultaneously.
Soon turning into a short flutter of giggles, and he squeezed my hand firmly. With his free hand, he ran his fingers through his dark brown locks to lift them off of his forehead in the cutest way. But he propped himself up on one elbow, they all came cascading back down to rest over his hypnotic eyes again. Then...just above a whisper...he said, "...My good friend, Shane." Much to my surprise, he actually raised my hand up to his perfect lips...lightly kissing me on the back of my knuckles.
It was too much for my chaotic emotions to handle. It only took a second of eye contact before I was almost fully erect and ready to blow. I didn't know how to angle myself in such a way that would allow me to roll over onto my stomach and still hold his hand, but...just on the off chance that Deme was merely being 'fun' and openly displaying a fond attachment to me and not...you know...what I really WISH it was...
...I thought it better to not have this big boner obscenity pointed directly at his face.
Regretfully...I let go.
However, what surprised me most is that Deme rolled over onto his stomach right after I did. Wait...did he do that for the same reason or is he just...hold on...
"Today was very special to me, Shane. Thank you." He grinned.
"Uh huh..." I said softly in response.
We returned to silence. The whole world seemed to be moving in slow motion. As if a thick, muddy, substance had been tossed into the very gears of time itself.
I had the urge to laugh from nervousness, but I fought it.
We were searching each other's eyes. Examining our mutual gaze. What we were looking for, I'm not quite sure...but it was there. I could feel it. He could feel it too.
I saw a little flash of pink as Deme gently moistened his lips with his tongue.
I involuntarily did the same.
Am I read for this? If so, I'd better do it before my heart gives out. It can't keep spasming like this for much longer.
What are we waiting for? Am I waiting for him or is he waiting for me? What do I DO???
It was at that moment that we heard some kids ride by the park making...I don't know...'kid noises', I suppose. I had completely forgotten that we were totally out here in a public place! In my own neighborhood, for that matter! When you've got Deme to talk to, you kind of forget everything else. Common sense included.
It broke the moment for me, and I tried to cover up my embarrassment as quickly as possible. As if my blush hadn't already betrayed my overworked heart. "Hehehe, I'm sorry. Was that weird? Did I get weird on you? Probably weird right?"
"No." He smirked. "Not for me." Ok, this is getting to be MUCH more than I expected! He was so serious when he said it! I was almost instantly sucked back in again when he spoke up and said, "Do you want to come over for a bit? Father is still fixing the house but...maybe we can continue this with no more noise."
I began shaking almost immediately from the invite, but I was already nodding my head and saying, "Cool. Ok." before I had the chance to chicken out of it. "Let's go."
"Yes. Let's go." He beamed.
God, I hope I'm able to ride my bike in this...ummm...'condition'.
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