Hello all!
Here is chapter 3. I'm still quite pleased with the direction of the story. Since I didn't hear anybody complain about it, I'm going to assume you feel the same way about it. If you don't, let me know so I can try and fix that :) This chapter might be a bit on the dark side (again). If that disturbs you, the please, don't read further. I can't say what's it's about though or I would ruin half of the fun of reading the chapter. So if you're curious, read on :) Don't say I didn't warn you. And if you choose to read the chapter, also read my closing words please.
As from this chapter, we have a co-host! Yes, it's true. She's wonderful, beautiful, talented and very sexy :) She also gave this chapter a very thorough check, for which I thank her yet again :)
Next, don't forget to write me if you feel like saying something about the story. Doesn't matter what you want to say, as long as you say it. I believe in expression of your beliefs, so don't hesitate! My mail address is flower_writing@yahoo.com. It might be possible that you recognize part of yourself in the story. If that's the case, then you're either somebody I know or I've managed to read your mind (or better yet, been able to write something realistic enough for you to recognize) Either way, there's no intention of similarity in the story :)
Disclaimer: I realized I don't really need a disclaimer. There is no sex to be found in here, and I'm sure Chris isn't gay, so there's not much left to write a disclaimer for is it? For clarification, I know next to nothing about Nsync, so I'm sure I'm not even remotely close to the truth :) On with the story!
The train ride might have been rather silent, but once both of them got onto the subway they quickly started talking to each other. Of course part of the reason was that there wasn't much to see on the subway, but both of them needed to relieve some of the tension they were feeling from earlier that day. Chris especially needed some relaxing time. He wasn't used to dealing with his feelings this much, so the light hearted talk that developed was more than welcome to him. They were so busy talking they missed their designated stop completely and had to take another subway back.
As predicted Steven knew an excellent little restaurant. The streets were filled with people and several street artists were trying to make their money. Chris was amazed at the quality of some of the singers and equally appalled with the quality of some others. They arrived at the restaurant without any difficulty. People in Paris didn't expect Chris to walk around like that. Besides, he was walking there with a guy they had never seen before so they let Chris be. Needless to say Chris was very thankful for that. They took their seats at a secluded table in the restaurant. It was still beautiful outside, but they chose to sit inside to avoid problems from a crazed fan. Still, they wanted to enjoy the street life outside, so they sat near a window.
"There we are, Chris. What do you think about my selection?"
"I'll tell you when I've eaten some food. I must admit I'm hungry now. Thank you for talking me into having dinner. If I was alone right now I probably wouldn't bother."
"Well, let's enjoy dinner and see where the conversation will take us, shall we? Maybe you'll get to know me better. I certainly want to get to know you better. Though our talk on the subway proved very entertaining on its own. "
This sent Chris back to thinking. He still didn't know if he should trust Steven or not. Maybe the best route would be to ask about him first. If he didn't have anything to hide, just maybe Chris could open up a little too. Then again he had to watch out for hints that Steven could be working for John. He could never be too careful in trusting people again.
Again Steven noticed Chris deep in thought, but chose not to address the issue. "He'll talk to me if and or when he's ready." Steven thought.
Both Chris and Steven ordered their dinner. Steven chose to eat a light meal, whereas Chris decided to go for the Italian food. They made some small talk during the wait for their dinner, mainly Chris asking Steven about his life.
"So Steven, tell me a bit more about you. Right now I only know your name and that's it. What are you doing here on your own in Paris? What's your life like? Is it anywhere near the normal life I've left behind?"
"You're certainly not shy when it comes to asking questions, are you? Well, I guess I'll tell you a bit more about me. As you know, my name is Steven, Steven Boersma. I'm 24 and I live in Amsterdam. I have a small apartment there where I live on my own. I have two parents that are still together and a brother that I love dearly. In fact, I was supposed to be here with my brother right now, but his job prevented him from actually being here. He told me to go ahead and he'll join me in a couple of days. So until then I'm on my own in this city. Other useless information... I study economics at the university of Amsterdam. I'm approaching my final year. And that's about time too, because I'm really getting fed up with my study. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right decision to study economics at all. We'll see what happens in the future."
Chris listened closely as Steven talked about his personal life. He tried to store as much information as possible. There was something Steven was avoiding, but what was it? Just when Chris wanted to ask some more, their dinner arrived. They both started to eat their meal while talking about the people that passed their restaurant.
After dinner (Steven paid the bill) they decided to take a walk along the river Seine. They were walking on the bank where the Musée D'Orsay was situated, in the direction of the Eiffel tower. They continued talking about random issues, trying to get to know each other better. But Chris still didn't tell anything personal, something Steven picked up easily. "I guess that is for him to decide if he should trust me or not. I'll respect his choice in the matter."
Suddenly Chris turned around and asked a pretty important question. "What motivated you to offer me a helping hand in the gardens earlier today? I was a perfect stranger to you, what motivated you to offer a helping hand to me? And this is not about you being John's accomplish, because I believe that you're not associated with him (or at least I'll let you believe I don't think that anymore, Chris thought immediately after that )
Steven remained quiet for a while. "That's not very easy to explain for me Chris. It involves something very personal. I'm not sure if I can tell it all to you without breaking down. Only the closest ones around me know what happened in my past to make me act the way I did earlier today. And forgive me for saying this, but you're not exactly close to me."
"If you're not comfortable enough to tell me I'll understand."
"No it's something you need to know to take away your suspicions about me. I'll try to tell it all to you when we reach the Eiffel tower okay? There we can sit and I can focus on something while telling you the story."
A while later the Eiffel tower rose to the sky just about right in front of them. They hadn't realized that they'd walked this far already. Steven led them to a bench to sit down.
"Well, I guess you have a right to know about what happened to me a year ago. I will tell you some personal stuff along the way. Please do not disrespect me and walk away if you hear something you don't like. To start with the biggest thing that might upset you: I'm gay. I discovered that some years ago and started my coming out shortly after that. Through this coming out I met a whole set of cool new friends and got close to them as well. Especially to one guy, without falling in love with him. You don't need his name for the story, so I'll keep that to myself if you don't mind."
Steven smiled sadly. He got lost in memories. Bart had been such a kind and caring person. His eyes could tell whole tales without saying a word. Again he asked himself the question that had run through his head a thousand times already. "Why Bart, why did you do it?"
Meanwhile Chris was listening with his full attention. "Wow, Steven is gay. But not only that, he is dealing with it. He has come out to everybody around him. I wish I could do the same."
Suddenly Steven resumed his story. "We both knew a relationship was out of the question for several reasons. I won't bore you with the details, it just was. Anyway, during our friendship I noticed him changing a bit. Slowly but surely he withdrew from the world. He never missed an appointment or anything, but his heart wasn't with it anymore. I tried to talk about it for some time, but he kept assuring me that everything was ok. If only I had pushed harder...." Slowly tears started to form in Steven's eyes. How could he have been so ignorant! "One day he didn't show up at an appointment. Since I was already worried, I immediately called him on his mobile phone. I got his voicemail, but he had changed the message.
His message went like this: "You will no longer be able to reach me. Sorry for all the trouble I caused. Please forgive me."
That was all the voice message said. I panicked and raced over to his place. He had given me a spare key to his house a long time before that, which came in handy now. I opened the door, only to find him lying on the floor. I saw several bottles of medication empty on the floor. I immediately called an ambulance. He still had a pulse when the paramedics arrived. I followed them to the hospital only to see them hook my friend up to several devices. They emptied his stomach in an attempt to save his life. I called his parents to come to the hospital. By the time they arrived he was put on life support to try and rescue him. The doctors couldn't do more. It was up to him to try and make it back to the land of the living. We were informed the chance he was going to pull through was very slim, since he tried to take his life by himself. They were right. Three days later my friend died in hospital."
Steven couldn't go on. He broke down in tears. Chris tried to comfort him. "Come on Steven, it's not your fault he tried to kill himself and succeeded. You can't take the blame for something you didn't do.
"But that's not true! I could have done something, I could have kept asking and asking and asking what was wrong! Don't you see? I'm responsible for his death!" Steven continued to cry.
"Shhhhhh, it'll be ok. Come on Steven you have to get yourself together here." Chris stroked Steven's hair to get him to calm down a bit.
Slowly Steven collected himself. After a few minutes of silence he spoke again. "Sorry for being such a drama queen Chris. I thought I had a better grip on myself, but as you can see this suicide has affected me deeply. And that's the reason I talked to you. I don't want to be responsible for another suicide as long as I live. If you wouldn't have talked to me, at least I'd know I tried to help you. I never want to go through what I went through last year. This weekend here is an attempt to get away from the moment of suicide a year ago. My brother gave me the weekend to help me get through this period. And I was doing fine until I decided to tell you. I guess the hurt is still there and will always be with me. Some ghosts from the past you can't escape from. Please don't take advantage of my trust Chris. I'm a trusting person, but I can be hurt too."
Chris smiled when he heard that. "You can trust me Steven. I take matters of trust very seriously and I won't repeat anything you told me. You have to try to get past blaming yourself for your friends' suicide. You were and are not responsible for somebody else's happiness Steven. It's not up to you to make sure everybody else but you leads a happy life. You need to look out for yourself as well. One can be too much of a people pleaser Steven."
"I know, I'm trying to work on that, but it's inside of me. And being a people pleaser has nothing to do with the suicide. Somewhere deep down I knew he was in trouble. I should have been more willing to try and help him out."
"Did his parents talk to you after the suicide? Do they hold you accountable for anything?"
"They don't blame me for it. They said that I was the one who kept him alive since the time we met. Apparently my friend had been suicidal before. His parents were kind of waiting for it to happen. They already tried everything to help him out. Nothing worked. Until he met me. Or so they told me. I still don't know if I should believe that or not. It might be just a fairy tale to keep me from feeling guilty."
"Listen to yourself Steven. Again you take the negative part of what's been said to you. What if his parents were right? What if you indeed kept him alive for a lot longer? I think his parents knew your friend better than you did. If they say so, they're probably right."
"Even if that's the case, then why did he commit suicide after all? Why wasn't I able to keep him happy enough to be alive? Why did he choose death over life? Tell me that Chris."
"If there is one thing I know about people beyond the help of several psychologists it's that nothing can keep them from ultimately killing themselves. It's embedded in their system. Believe me I know, I've seen these cases in my study. It's an extremely sad sight to see those people but not all of them can be saved. That may sound terribly harsh, but it's true. You are not to blame for what happened to your friend."
Slowly they got up and started walking again. Every now and then Chris rubbed his hand along Steven's back to comfort him. Suddenly Chris realized something. "Where are we going?"
Steven laughed. "I have no idea. My hotel is around here somewhere, but I can only find that when I use the subway. We could wander around for a bit and then take the subway?"
"I have a better idea. Why don't we search for a pub or something and get us something to drink?"
"Sure, why not." Steven smiled. "Only there doesn't seem to be a pub around here, so your idea might be a bit difficult to realize. Besides we both had a very emotional day. Maybe it's better if we enjoyed our rest and try to shake some of the stress of the day."
Chris pouted. He didn't want to leave Steven behind in a situation like this. What could he do to help his new found friend out. "Friend, did I just say friend? He could still be working on my emotions to get close to me." "Aw, shut up Chris. You saw that he really felt that pain. He's still not recovered from telling you. So stop with the suspicions already!"
Oblivious to Chris' internal discussion Steven awaited an answer from Chris. "Well, what is it going to be?"
"Ok, here is what we'll do. I'll drop you off at your hotel and then we could meet tomorrow to see how you've survived the night ok?"
"Ehm Chris, I don't mean to be harsh here and I'm sorry if I hurt you by bringing it up again, but shouldn't the real concern be how you survive the night? I know I'm dealing with my past, but your pain is a lot fresher right now. I'm worried about you. You still didn't give any clues to what happened earlier today."
Chris' face clouded. "Let's not get into what happened to me. I don't want to talk about it."
"It's up to you Chris. Remember one thing though. I'm not the one who hurt you and I'm not going to John to report or something."
Just the mention of John's name hurt Chris badly. He just wanted to get away now. "Let's take you to your hotel."
"No, I'll get there on my own. I can see I've hurt you by bringing him up again. Why don't you grab a cab here. I'll leave you my hotel number in case you want to get in touch again. I leave in three days. I don't need your phone number. That way you can have all the initiative in this. I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything. Just don't do something like my friend did."
"Trust me Steven, I won't do that. What's your room number?"
"511. And don't hesitate to call me. Though I might answer the phone in Dutch first, cause my brother keeps checking up on me to see if I'm doing ok."
"No problem, I'll call you when I need you."
"Then I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for the listening ear Chris. Take care and remember, don't hesitate to reach out to your friends. They are the ones that can help you.But let me know how you're doing before I leave in three days ok? That way I know you're dealing with it." With those words Steven turned around and entered the subway station. "It's up to you now Chris." Steven thought.
Chris stood outside the subway station, deciding what to do. "Well, I best be heading back to my hotel room. I have to see if Lance called me earlier."
Lance had indeed called him earlier today, but Chris wasn't really up to listening to the flood of good advice Lance probably left on his mobile. He was happy he had turned his mobile off earlier that day. At least he had had some time to think and to meet Steven. "Steven's a cool guy. I have to stay in touch with him," Chris thought as he entered the elevator.
Slowly Chris entered his hotel room. The room he had shared with John. He stood on the doorstep taking in the image. There he and John were together. There they made love two nights ago. It was here when they had breakfast. But most importantly, it was here where John betrayed his love. Slowly the tears began to fall. In the back of his head he heard a song.
Something has left my life And I don't know where it went to Somebody caused me strife And it's not what I was seeking
Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me Didn't you see me standing there Why did you turn out the lights Did you know that I was sleeping
Say a prayer for me Help me to feel the strength I did My identity has it been taken Is my heart breaking on me
All my plans fell through my hands They fell through my hands on me All my dreams it suddenly seems It suddenly seems Empty
Chris broke down completely. "I have to get away from here." Chris reached for his mobile and started to dial a number. Instead of hearing Lance speak, he got his voicemail. "Let's try this number then."
"Hallo, wie is daar?"
"Steven, it's Chris. Would you mind if I came over to your hotel?"
There you have it. chapter 3. Let me know what you think. Some serious words at the bottom of this chapter. I realize I might have hit a difficult subject with the suicide. These few lines are for whoever knows what I was and am talking about. I do believe that a story shouldn't omit anything that happens in everyday life as well. I've experienced something close to this (fortunately my friend failed) and I'm still worried it could happen again. I shared this with you to make clear that you're not alone in this. If you want to contact me, the email address is on top of the story.
Ok, those were my serious thoughts on the matter. I make no promises on the early or late arrival of chapter 4. You'll see it appear when it's done :p
Lyrics are from The Cranberries, song called Empty, taken off their second album No need to argue. Thanks for reading everybody :)