Welcome to "Lance's Search," an exploration of a young man discovering himself. As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to take a realistic look into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he discovers the pains and the joys associated with loving his fellow man... or his fellow band mate as the case may be.
If you have any comments, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story.
BJ
Last time in Lance's search... "Scoop, calm down." Justin said. "Let's sit down over on the bed until you stop shaking."
Lance nodded his head slightly. Justin got up out of his chair and led his friend over to the bed, getting him to sit down.
"I don't know what came over me," Lance said quietly.
"Lance, it's OK. I think I know what happened, and we ought to talk about it."
Chapter 7
"What do you mean, Justin? There's nothing to talk about. I really don't want to talk."
"James, you need to talk."
'He called me James. He hardly ever does that. Why did he do that?' Lance thought to himself.
"You need to get it out of your system, bro, before your head explodes."
"Look, Justin, I don't know what you're talking about. Whatever you think this is all about it isn't. I mean, it just isn't. OK?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Justin, what are you trying to do to me? I thought we were friends."
"We are friends. Best of friends."
"If you really are a friend, please, let's just drop this."
"Well, man, I disagree. A friend helps you face things you might not want to face. A friend helps you deal. Never lets you forget you're important to them no matter what. Shares pain along with the pleasure."
"You can't possibly share this pain."
"How will either one of us know that unless you open up and lower that shield you keep around your body?" Justin pleaded.
"I can't," Lance said, getting off the bed. "I... I just can't do it. I..."
Lance made a beeline for the door while Justin remained seated on the bed.
"Did you realize I'm gay?" Justin blurted out just a moment before Lance reached the exit.
Lance stopped dead in his tracks. 'What did I hear? I'm making things up. He didn't say what I thought he said.'
"I like guys, Lance. I like looking at them. I like being around them. I like getting intimate with them. I don't know why, Lance. It just happens to be like that."
Lance slowly turned around during Justin's speech, eventually looking him right in the eyes.
"It's not something I asked God for," Justin continued. "I mean, actually I asked God to make me like girls instead. I didn't want to be this way. But God didn't change me. I am who I am. I'm gay. And I know first-hand the pain that realizing it caused me. I'm over wishing I were someone else. I'm not ready to go marching down the street in some Gay Pride parade, but I refuse to hate myself either."
Following an awkward pause, Lance spoke quietly, with his back leaning against the wall, staring nowhere in particular. "Why, Justin?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you telling me this? Why now? Why me?"
"Lance... James, I saw what sites you've been going to on the Internet. I know what they are. I've been there myself. And I'm pretty sure I know what you're going through because I've been through it already. You don't have to go through it alone."
"Go through what alone?"
"The endless questioning of yourself. The doubts. Fears. The realization. The loneliness even when you're surrounded by friends and other people. I know what it's like to go to parties and never really feel like you are a part of the fun because everyone there seems to be straight, even though chances are that someone else is. You feel like there's something different about you. And there is. Being gay is being different... but being different doesn't have to be bad. It's just...different"
Silence engulfed Justin's room. Lance just stood against the wall staring. Justin didn't move from his seat on the bed. Both friends were trying to understand what just happened.
Slowly, Lance's deep voice punctured the silence. "When... what was it that first made you think you might be... gay?"
"Don't know. Really haven't thought about it too much," Justin said. "Looking back I guess it was when I was doing the Mickey Mouse Club... and no, I didn't have sex with all the other Mouseketeers, so don't even go there."
Lance smirked. The first sign of any real emotion for the past several minutes.
"It was sort of a subconscious thing, I guess. One day I just happened to notice that I would watch the guys in the cast more than the girls. Sure, I liked the girls in the cast, but I could spend forever just staring at the bodies of the guys. It was like my eyes had guy magnets in them. I was too young to know why it was happening. 'It's just a phase,' I told myself. Some phase, huh? Phases are supposed to pass. ... Instead, the magnets keep getting stronger."
Lance's body began to slide down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. Justin, seeing that Lance wasn't leaving, lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling while continuing his story.
"Of course, the MMC gig ended. I went back home to Tennessee and convinced myself that back home, everything would go back to the way it was before. You know - the old friends, the old school, old church. And I guess for a while that might have worked. But not really. No, not really at all. I was just kidding myself. Didn't want to own up to it though."
"So when did you know for sure?"
"Couple of years ago, I guess, after the group was on its way to fame and fortune. There we were, performing all over with thousands of girls calling out my name and going into hysterics wherever we went. And you know what I felt? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Sure some of the girls were nice enough and all, and it really feels great most of the time having people really liking you so much, but there was no spark there, no connection. I didn't 'tingle.'"
Lance giggled a little at Justin's last statement. Justin smiled hearing Lance's giggle. It meant Lance must have been feeling a little more at ease.
"Then, you know, guys started coming to our concerts. And I started doing my own exploring on the Internet. Did a lot of chat rooms with other teens - gay teens. In those chat rooms I wasn't the famous Justin Timberlake, I was just another guy. And, yeah, I checked out the pictures of naked guys. And I read stories. Eventually I found stories about us. They call it slash fiction. A lot of it is so incredibly absurd that it made me laugh. Some of the stories made me cry. And more than a few of them got me all hot and bothered."
"Have you ever done anything ... you know, with another guy?"
"A few. Nothing serious. Haven't fallen head over heels for anyone yet. But just being with another guy, touching, kissing ... it's just incredible. It's just too hard to put into words, ya know?"
"Well, I'll have to take your word on that," Lance said.
"That's cool, man," Justin responded with a chuckle. The conversation continued for a long time, Justin sharing the secret side of his life.
"You know what I just realized?"
"No, what?" Lance responded.
"I started this out by saying 'we' need to talk, but seems to me I've been doing all the talking. I think that it's time for James Lance Bass to open up his life."
To be continued...