Welcome, dear reader, to "Lance's Search," a multi-chapter exploration of a young man discovering himself. But if you are up to this chapter, it's difficult to believe I really have to tell you that part.
But just to be legal and all... As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the mind of its author.
For those of you relatively new to the story, I do try to post one chapter a week to the Nifty Archive, generally Sunday evenings, so you probably won't see the new chapter until Mondays. The folks at Nifty have been really efficient and good to work with. Between chapters, be sure to check out some of the other stories in the Boy Band section. A Maze of Moments has been providing some good reading lately and features our favorite boy, Lance.
If you have any comments about this story or life in general, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story.
BJ
Previously on Lance's Search....
Suddenly, he opened his eyes. "What am I doing?" Lance thought. "I'm in a god-damned restroom. What the hell am I doing with my face on this stall wall?" He backed away, pulling out of the warm mouth and the hole. He scrambled to pull up his pants. He opened the stall door and made a beeline for the exit. He finished buckling his belt on the way out. Once outside, he didn't quite run, but he trotted quickly to his car. He got in, started up the engine and had it in gear faster than a pit stop at a NASCAR race. He drove quickly out of the park, barely slowing down for the stop sign at the entrance. A few blocks away he pulled into a grocery store parking lot, stopped in a space far from any other vehicles, put the engine in park. He bent forward, resting his head on the steering wheel, and started to cry.
Chapter 29
Lance sat in the parking lot with the windows all rolled up, and his eyes filled with tears. He was crying hard. And he was angry. Angry with himself for what he had done. Angry over crying about it. Yet he continued to bawl, his chest even hurting. "This is not the life I want. This is not me, and I hope to God it never is me!" The crying continued. For how long, Lance didn't know.
A knock on his door completely startled Lance. If he never knew before what that expression "jumping out of your skin" meant, he certainly knew now.
"Scoop? You OK?"
Lance wiped his eye quickly and turned to see JC standing there. He slowly opened the car door. "Hey."
"I saw your car sitting in the middle of the parking lot as I was passing by. I didn't know if something was wrong. Is it?"
"I'm fine, really."
"For someone who is fine, you certainly don't look too good."
For some reason JC's words set off a new flood of tears. The older band member was shocked, but reached forward and hugged the blond singer. "Hey, it's OK. Don't worry. Whatever is wrong can be fixed, OK?"
JC waited a couple of seconds for a response, then asked again. "OK? Lance?"
Lance stopped the crying and shook his head, but still didn't speak.
"I think we'd better go off somewhere. My place isn't too far, why don't we go there for a while and talk or something."
Lance nodded his assent. JC pulled him up out of the car. He checked to make sure Lance had his car keys and wallet, locked Lance's car door and guided him over to his own vehicle.
The journey to JC's house was mostly quiet, with few words exchanged. Lance stared out the side window most of the time, apparently not wanting JC to see his red eyes.
Lance could tell that JC was being very careful with him. Whenever he did look over at JC, there was a concern in his eyes that Lance really hadn't seen before. It was more than a passing concern, Lance thought. There was much more in that look.
The two arrived at JC's house, still with very few words spoken. The older boy led the way for Lance into the living room. "Why don't you lie down on the couch for a bit? I'll get you something to drink. Dr Pepper OK with you?"
Lance let a small "Yeah" escape through his lips. He removed his shoes and stretched out on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling, Lance wondered how all of this could be happening to him. He had reached the lowest point in his life earlier that day in the park. Then breaking down in the parking lot, only to be followed by JC rescuing him from the despair. Is this fate stepping in? Some message he needed to heed?
"Here you go Scoop. You really look like you need to get some liquid in you."
Lance drank about half of the glass in a few gulps. In a quiet voice he said, "Thanks, JC. I really do appreciate it."
"It's cool, man. But I'm worried about you. You kind of scared me when I saw you in your car. Are you OK?"
"I'm doing better than I was."
"You want to talk about it?"
Lance paused. JC could tell he was thinking, struggling with himself. But he also seemed exhausted.
"Hey, man. Why don't you close your eyes and maybe catch a few winks, you know, recharge your batteries. Then if you're up to it, we can talk about what happened."
"I don't need to..."
"Well, then, just humor me, Lance. Close your eyes and at least pretend to go to sleep for a little while."
"OK," Lance responded. But while he really didn't think he would be falling asleep, it wasn't long until the emotional exhaustion of the day translated into physical exhaustion. Sleep overtook his body.
It had been late afternoon when JC had brought Lance to his house. When Lance's eyes began to open, he could tell the sun was just about to dip below the horizon. He remembered he was at JC's place. He noticed he had a thin blanket covering him. His host must have gotten one for him. It put a slight smile on Lance's face.
Looking around a bit, he could see there were a few candles around the room burning dimly. And his nose picked up the odor of food cooking. Lance sat up. He stretched a bit to get the kinks out of his body. He looked around at his surroundings a bit more. Sounds were coming from the kitchen. He got up, folded up the blanket neatly, then made it way to the kitchen. The dining room area was on the way there. The table was set for two. Cloth napkins, not paper. Even wine glasses. And a couple of tall candles burning. Lance was stunned, but he continued moving into the kitchen.
"Hey there, sleepy," JC said with a big smile on his face. He was wearing an apron. "I was getting ready to wake you up for dinner."
"JC, you really didn't have to go through a lot of trouble for me."
"Nonsense. I wanted to. Besides, it really wasn't that much work, at least not today. I had a couple of pans of lasagna already made and in the freezer so I could use them whenever. Popped it in the oven and got stuff together for a salad. Nothing to it. It will be out of the oven in a few minutes and then it will need to sit for about five minutes."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I suppose you could open up a bottle of wine for us. Have you used a corkscrew before?"
"Not many times, but a few. Where is the stuff?"
"It's in the dining room, off to the side. I hope you like red wine."
"Sure. Besides what else would you drink with lasagna than red?" Lance found the bottle and the corkscrew. He had a little trouble, not so much with the cork as the foil covering up the cork. Once he actually got that off, the corkscrew did its job. It was a California wine with a French name - Pinot Noir. Lance poured a little bit of the wine into one glass. He wasn't an expert at wine, but he'd seen other people who thought they were. He splashed the wine around a bit then sniffed. Smelled good. He took the glass into the kitchen.
"You care to taste test the wine?" Lance asked JC.
"Sure. Thank you."
"Well, after all you are the host, you ought to get the first taste. How is it?"
"I'd say we have a perfect wine for what I hope will be a perfect meal."
The words put a smile on Lance's face - probably the first smile for him all day. "Here, let me have your glass back and I'll pour the vino for both of us."
In a few minutes, both men were sitting down at the table with steaming hot pasta on their plates. JC picked up his wine glass. "How about a toast?"
"Sure. What did you have in mind?"
"How about to good food, good wine and good friends."
"Hear, hear." The two raised their glasses, clinked them together ever so lightly and took a drink. Both dove into the food, but also found time for some lively conversation. In the glow of the candles, Lance thought JC had never looked better to him. He had to fight with himself to keep talking and eating and not just sit there and stare. Maybe it was the wine, but Lance found himself beginning to get the courage to finally tell JC. The concern JC had shown him today really touched Lance. How could he keep his secret from his friend any longer. "Uhhh, JC?"
"Yeah?"
"There's something I'd really like to tell you..."
Ring. Ring. The telephone.
"Hold on, Lance. Let me get this before they hang up."
"Sure. No problem." But it was a problem. The telephone had interrupted the big moment, and Lance wasn't sure if he could regain the magic. His spirits sank. He took another drink of his wine and stared blankly, thinking of opportunities lost.
To be continued...