"Are we going to see you at Thanksgiving?" Bill asked.
"That might be a plan. Maybe I can bring the kid along and introduce him to the whole fucking clan. But I don't know if he can handle it!' He said lightly punching my arm.
"Ow!" I said grimacing for effect. Bill grabbed his stuff and headed out. We grabbed our backpacks and headed downstairs. As we walked downstairs, the thought of Thanksgiving with Hank's family ran through my head. All those brothers, a mom and a dad, wow. It was too much for me. Emotions swelled in me again. I was one lucky fucker.
Hank asked me this morning what I wanted to eat, rather than picking it out for me. "Eggs, bacon and hash browns sounds great!" I said, my mouth watering at the thought.
He looked at me. Was that disappointment in his eyes? I looked again and he was smiling. I loaded up my plate and grabbed a Danish as well. I grabbed a carton of whole milk and a glass then headed out to sit with Hank.
While we ate I asked Hank about Thanksgiving at his place. "Well, first off, you have to check if it is okay with you Mom. Would she be all alone if you didn't come home for Thanksgiving?"
I hadn't thought of that. I didn't know how she would take that. I had never missed a Thanksgiving before. I wondered if she would be able to go to my uncle's place.
"I don't really know," I told him.
"And when are you going to tell her about us?" he asked with a smile.
My asshole puckered and I clinched up all over at the thought of telling my mom. How would she take it? What would she think about me? I could tell this was something I would need to talk with Marshall about.
Hank must have seen the look on my face because he said, "Whenever you are ready little brother." Then he thought for a moment and added, "You know National Coming Out Day is next week. That might be a good time to tell her. `Hey, Mom, do you know what day it is?' How about that for a lead in?"
I appreciated his humor but it still frightened me.
He changed the subject and started telling me about their traditions for Thanksgiving. Some were the same as we had, but I had never had olives, pickles or cornbread dressing. And an Apple Crumble Pie sounded great.
I finished my plate and felt stuffed. We put the trays away and headed out to class. Hank gave me a hug before we went out separate ways. I wondered if he would have given me a kiss if I had asked for it.
My mind was filled with thought of Hank and his family as I arrived at my first class. As I sat down, I became aware of all the men around me. I guess they had always been there, but they seemed to be more prominent now.
All were wearing shorts and t-shirts, so I had plenty of legs and arms to look at. And the guys in front of me, I got to look at their backs and butts. I was amazed at the hair on the guys' legs. Mine was not very prominent and Hank's had been dark and formed patterns on his legs. But these guys had hair that looked like cactus spines, sticking out every which way.
And that guy had really wiry hair. There was one with really blond hair that stood out against his tan legs. The red-headed guy had rust colored hair that mixed with his freckles. One guy was so hairy that tuffs of hair came out of the collar of his t-shirt ^Ö on his back!
I shook my head as I began to think of them naked and wonder what their pubes look like. I had to concentrate on class! I looked up to the professor as he lectured and began to notice the hair on his arms. It was dark brown and lay thickly on his arms. I wondered what it would feel like if I ran my hand over it. Then I wondered what he smelled like. how did he differ from Hank's and Bill's smell.
I shook my head again and looked down at my notes and tried to just listen and take notes. But my mind drifted off to thoughts of the frat party we were going to tonight. I had heard about frat initiations and wondered if they really did all those wild things.
My reverie was broken by the rest of the class packing their things and leaving. Class was over. My notebook was empty! I packed up my stuff and headed over to Marshall's office. He was waiting for me and ushered me into his office.
I began to feel nervous as he closed the door. He must have sensed this because he said, "Come over here and sit in this chair." I sat where he had indicated and he took the chair that was angled a bit, but close by. I could look at him but we weren't face to face. So I could not look at him as well.
"Well, Kyle, how are things going with Hank?" He said with a gentle smile on his voice.
"Really good!" I said too eagerly so I swallowed took a breath and continued, "We have had some good discussions and talked about lots of things."
"And sex? Are you still having sex together?'
I blushed and said, "Yes," not elaborating.
"Okay, we will come back to that." He looked at a pad on his desk and then asked, "And how are feeling about yourself? Any more inclinations to expose yourself in movie theatres?"
I was uncomfortable with that episode and the images it brought back. I shook my head.
"We haven't talked about that night in detail. Why don't you tell me what happened. Talking about it will take some of the sting out of it."
I wasn't so sure about that. I stammered my way through the first part. Then I was nearly in tears when I told about being walked out of the theatre naked in front of all those people and the way the manager looked at me and the things he said about me.
Marshall listened and let me go on through all of that and then he interrupted. "You know that is not how the manager related it to Larry. He said, he wanted you to put your shorts on and you just stood there with them clutched in front of you groin with a terrified look on your face. He said he tried to console you and figure out what was going on. And when you didn't respond he called Larry." He looked at my face reading my reaction.
That didn't match my recollection at all. I shook my head. Had it really happened that way? "Why did I remember being marched out naked in front of all of those people," I asked, totally confused.
"You were probably remembering it worse to punish yourself. You were feeling guilty, taken advantage of and confused. So you made the memory worse to reinforce how horrible you felt about yourself." He paused and watched me process this.
"So I wasn't paraded naked through the theatre?" I whispered.
"No, in fact the manager took his coat off and draped it over your shoulders as you walked out. And you had it on when Larry arrived." He said, again gently.
"But did Larry say all those terrible things to me, when he got there?" I wondered if I was truly losing my mind.
"Oh, I am sure he said some things to shake you up. He believes in tough love and I am sure he worked to scare the shit out of you," he said ruefully.
Now I couldn't remember exactly what it was that he said. I shook my head again.
"And how are you feeling about yourself? Still wondering what people are going to think about you?'
I nodded my head, thinking about Hank's comment of coming out to my mom. I tried to make this clear to Marshall. He smiled and nodded his head. "Actually, it is National Coming Out Day next week. The Human Rights Commission has lots of good material on their web site about this." He looked at me to judge my reaction.
"How do you think your mom will take it?" He paused and then said, "See you are worrying about that more than you should be thinking about how you feel about it. You need to decide if this is who you are and does it matter if others know or not."
He let me think about that and then said, "It can be difficult with parents and it might not go well to begin with but it is what it does for you that is more important. You get to say, this is me and I like who I am and I am not ashamed of it. Now granted that can be a handful. But I want you to think about it. I am not saying you have to and I am not saying don't. I just want you to think about the possibilities."
He reached over and picked up a packet of information. "Here is a coming out kit. Read it over. Go to the web site and see what's there. There is also an organization on campus that can assist you as well." He looked at me hopefully. "Will you think about it?"
I nodded but my heart was racing and a sense of panic was gripping me again. Could I do this? What would they think? How would I feel about it?
I realized when I looked up that Marshall had been watching me while I thought. I nodded not trusting my voice. I cleared my throat and said, "Yes, I will."
"Good, that's all I can ask. And if you want more information the web site is www.hrc.org/comingoutkits." He paused, again studying my face. "Now anymore thoughts on why being directed and being humiliated turns you on so much?"
He waited for an answer and when I didn't jump in, he said, "Now I don't mean that to sound like it is perverted or bad or anything. It is the way some people are wired, it is what turns them on. Some might get turned on by pain, feet, urine, bondage, discipline, exhibitionism, voyeurism, etc. It is just important for you to understand that if this is what turns you on, you shouldn't think less of yourself for it or think that it is bad or perverted or something. If that is you, then you need to understand it, embrace it and learn to understand it and how to get the most out of it without hurting yourself or anyone else."
He looked at me, "Do you understand?"
I thought for a moment and then said, "I understand the words you are saying but I don't understand about me and why it turns me on so much."
He smiled, "That may take a while. It can be the way you were raised. It can be something you read that triggered it and you want to relive that feeling. Something that someone did or didn't do to you could also have an impact on you and your sexual desires."
He waited and this time he didn't fill in the gap. He waited for me to start talking.
"Well, I don't know if this is it or not, but for a long time now guys have been playing jokes on me and then laughing at me. Pretending to be my friend and then setting me up for some prank or to be the brunt of some joke."
"Can you give me a couple of examples? I know this can be difficult, but just talk through it."
"There was this time that a bunch of guys pretended to be my friends; talking to me at lunch and after school. They told me about a toga party at one of their houses and invited me over. So I tied on a sheet and was excited about being "in" enough to go to one of their parties. When I got to the house, I found out that there wasn't a party, much less a toga party and that I was there to be picked on." I struggled to get this out, fighting the emotions.
"The guys pulled me into the house, laughing at me. They pulled off the sheet and saw that I only had my boxers on underneath. So they laughed at me and pointed out my skinniness. I was surrounded by the guys and they started poking me and tickling me. I kept trying to get away from them, but they were all around me." This was not easy to tell, seemed to get easier as I managed to get it all out to Marshall.
"At some point they were snapping the waistband of my boxers and saying they wanted to see how small my dick was and wouldn't I show them. I was embarrassed and nearly in tears and they wouldn't let up. They were calling me a sissy and a pussy and taunting me." I took a deep breath and tried to slow down the telling and get the fear out of my voice. I was reliving the moment.
"Then one guy pulled down the back of my boxers, exposing my crack and when I reached back to pull it back up, someone else reached in and pulled down the front a bit. I didn't have a lot of hair then and they could see that and laughed." I swallowed again and forged on.
"They kept this up pulling down my boxers a bit more each time I pulled them up, until two of them held my arms and pulled them all the way down." I grimaced at the recollection.
"I tried to pull my arms free and bend myself in half to cover myself. They pointed to my dick, I mean, penis," I blushed and he just nodded, "and started saying how little it was and that I had no hair and that no girl would want to go out with me. I felt so exposed, but my little penis got hard and that only made them laugh more and point. They went on how it wasn't a proper boner and just a little boy's pee pee."
I closed my eyes and fought the emotions rolling over me. I was reliving the moment and I was getting turned on by it! I was feeling the tension and being exposed. My breathing had speeded up.
"I finally grabbed the sheet and my boxers and made it outside." I could see it in my mind's eye. "I got my boxers on and wrapped the sheet around me. Then I rushed home to my room and cried."
Marshall said, "That had to be traumatic. It was probably difficult to relate to me, but I am sure that it helps to tell someone."
I nodded and rushed on. I told him about as much as I could remember, speaking faster and faster, trying to get it all out and away from me. I told him about wedgies in the hallways that one time ripped my underwear and left me the laughing stock in the hallway. The time the guys set me up with a girl and had me strip and then walk into the room where she was and there were only cameras and guys laughing. And standing on the track and someone walking up behind me and jerking down my shorts leaving me standing in my jock.
The time the guys pantsed me in the school parking lot where they had brought promising me a ride home. All the things came pouring out in a tumult of words, sometimes not even coherent, I think. But Marshall listened and nodded and didn't interrupt. He had instigated this catharsis of memories and it was flooding out.
I became emotional, crying, sobbing, but sometimes hard and turned on as I told of the humiliation and torment I had gone through since middle school through high school. I never had any true friends, anyone I could confide in or trust with my innermost thoughts or desires.
I spoke of my mom and how distant she always seemed, letting me make decisions about everything in our life. And the burden I felt with that. That I never had time for me as I was always running things for her.
How I ached for someone to just take control and tell me what to do with my life. And I wondered aloud if that got tied into sexual things as well.
Marshall seemed to be reading my mind again, "We will need to talk about this some more, but maybe the humiliation is a way to get back at having to make decisions and feeling alone. The attention, while done badly, is probably what you craved. Any you were either desperate for any type of friendship, a very gullible guy or you subconsciously knew what they were going to do and craved it. Then the buried homosexual desires surfacing again through the male attention may have triggered the sexual reactions you have had. And all of it getting reinforced over and over."
He smiled and patted my leg again. "How did it feel to just get it all out?"
At first I just nodded my head and then said, chokingly, "Good." I had used half a box of tissues during the telling.
He nodded again, "And I'll ask this again, how are things going sexually with you and Hank? Do you still feel like you are being taken advantage of?"
I shook my head and said, "I feel that I am participating now and getting both what I want and maybe need and what Hank wants."
"So more of a give and take?"
"Yes," I said nodding and feeling a rush of emotion again, thinking of sharing so much with Hank and having a relationship with him.
Then I thought and said, "But Marshall, I am really having difficulty focusing in class. All I can think about it sex and guys and naked guys and," I paused and looked down," and dicks, I mean penises." I blushed.
His smile broadened, "Nothing wrong with that and fairly typical when you have suddenly become sexually aware and active. But you are correct; you need to your mind under control to keep yourself in school and getting decent grades!" He patted my leg again and continued. "I'll give you some information about channeling your thoughts and getting focused. It has worked for many students. It will help if Hank becomes involved with it as well."
He winked and said, "It may mean going into the men's room just before class and masturbating, so that your libido is taken care of for an hour or so." Then he laughed and said, "Or maybe prescribe cold showers before class!"
He tried to look serious, but failed, "Don't worry, I think that we can get you through this!" He gathered up the papers he had, handed them to me as he stood and said, "Here is the material for you to read through. We will meet again tomorrow. Now you get out there, get to your classes, get your modeling done, talk to your mom. When was the last time you called her or emailed her?"
Shit! I had forgotten again! He saw the look on my face. "No, I don't mean you have to come out to her, but contact her, talk to her; mothers tend to worry when they don't hear from their children."
I nodded and took all the information from him, thought about modeling and remembered I had a session this afternoon. I checked my phone for the time and saw that I needed to grab something to eat before the session and then I had another class after that. I shook my head at myself again. I had so much going on!
I put the papers in my pack and tried to clear my mind. Marshall put his arm around my shoulder, like a father would, and said, "It's going to be okay. You are a great young man and you have a lot going for you and a lot of people care about you!" He gave me a little shake and then removed his arm. It made me feel good when he treated me like a son.
Outside I took out my cell phone and pushed speed dial for my mom. "Hi, Mom." I listened to her question. "No, nothing's wrong." I answered and continued on. "Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you."
I smiled as I answered each of the standard questions in turn, "Yes, Mom, I am studying. Yes, Mom, I am meeting people. Yes, Mom, I am eating right. Yes, Mom, my roommate is nice," if she only knew! I assured her everything was fine and listened to her ramblings about the goings on of the neighbors and who was doing what on big brother. I rolled my eyes and tried to say, "Uh, huh," in the right places.
By the time I closed the cell phone, I was at the commons. I wanted to grab lunch. I was feeling sluggish though. I realized it was that huge breakfast I had eaten. I smiled to myself; once again Hank was right! I picked out some yogurt and a salad, grabbed some water and sat down to eat lunch.
I was thinking about everything Marshall had said and reading the coming out information when I heard, "Hey, how's everything going?" I looked up to see Blake's dimples and smiling face standing over me. I stuffed the papers back in my pack.
"Fine, great, good," I said, trying to reassure him. I wasn't really ready to talk to him. But he was setting his food down on the table next to me and swinging in to sit down.
I wasn't sure I was comfortable with him there. He made me feel self conscious, like I was being evaluated or something.
"You still with Hank?" he said with a smile, as if it was a genuine question.
"Yes," I said a bit too brusquely. "I mean, we have worked something out and we are still getting along great. I like having him as a roommate, brother and," I hesitated and then added, "lover."
He seemed to give a forced smile that didn't quite reach his dimples. "Good," he said and I couldn't tell if he was disappointed or not.
"And you," I asked, trying to turn the table on him, "you find anyone?"
He shook his head, "just fooling around, I guess you would say," he sounded a bit defensive with that comment.
I tried to rush through my food then as he asked about classes and if I was going to be doing anymore modeling for the photography classes.
"Yes," I answered, "in fact, I am going there next."
"Oh!" he sounded surprised. "Great."
"Sorry, I have to run. Good seeing you again," I said as I picked up my trash and headed out. I dumped the stuff and looked back. Blake was following me out with his eyes and turned his head when he saw me catch him looking.
I thought about being the object of some guy's interest and it amazed me. I still didn't think of myself as attractive or "hot" as Hank would say. I shook my head and headed over to the photo department office.
Jim was there and smiled when he saw me. "Was worried, you might not show. The students are getting tired of seeing me naked. They would much rather shoot you, Hank or Jared."
I put my stuff in the locker and slipped off my clothes. I was getting used to being naked in front of Jim. I knew he was looking and that pleased me some how. I turned and faced him as I reached for the thin cotton robe. He smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I laughed, pulled on the robe, tied it and waited to be called into the room.
The door opened and the instructor motioned me in. I followed her into the room. There was some scaffolding setup with lights and reflectors around them. The instructor told me I was to move around through the bars at various levels, stopping and posing as I moved.
I took off the robe, hung it on the hook, and moved over to the bars. It was then that I saw the class around me. I felt a rush of panic, but I kept it together and managed to move through the bars in various positions, stopping for shots or directions from students.
It became mechanical for me and I just moved through the positions without too much thought. Near the end, I began to get images of what Thomas would do with these bars. Tying wrists and ankles to cross pieces, or bent over a bar. I had to fight the images and go off to the pine forest. When I could smell the cedar and hear the water rippling in the brook, I was able to control myself and go back to finishing up the shoot.
In fact, the time passed so fast, I was surprised when the instructor told me that I was done. I walked over and put on my robe, but didn't tie it as I headed back into the office. Mikail was there undressing as I came in. His hair was coming in dark and fast. He looked up and smiled as he pulled on his robe.
It flashed through my head then as I saw him naked, that I had just spent nearly an hour naked in front a bunch of students and an instructor! Shit! Had I really been able to do that so easily?
He asked how I was doing as I took off my robe and began to dress. I was aware of Jim watching my ass as I bent to pick up my shorts. I smiled to myself as I thought of him getting a peek at my hole as I bent over. I was getting very brazen these days!
Then a bit of panic washed over me as I thought of being brazen and the images of the movie theatre came back. I was still amazed at the difference between my recollections and what Larry had said happened.
I was lost in those thoughts as I stood and dressed. After I had everything on, I picked up my pack and started to walk out. Emotions of lust, exhibitionism, chagrin and others played over me as I headed towards the door.
Jim called out, "Hey, Kyle, wait up. I have your schedule." He handed me a slip of paper, "And Thomas wants to set up another shoot with you and Hank."
I shook my head, "He needs to talk to Hank about that. If Hank is cool with it then they can make arrangements." I couldn't begin to process that at this moment. I was just too conflicted at the moment.
Jim gave me a quizzical look, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Okay, you got it. I'll check with him, then."
I headed out and headed over to my next class as images of Thomas' photo shoots played through my mind. Erotic images flickered through my thoughts as I walked. It began to play on me and I felt my dick swell.
As I walked into class, I was entranced once again by the sight of all the maleness in the class. I didn't seem to see the women, only the guys. I was trying to picture each of them either in their boxers, jock or naked.
There was the nerdy looking guy with heavy plastic frames for his glasses. I saw him with pale, tan-less skin, wearing baggy boxers, shyly staying at the back of the room.
The jock guy with his hat on sideways, looking very macho with his saggy shorts that left his boxer brief covered ass hanging out. His biceps filled the sleeves of his t-shirt. I saw a tan line just above his knees to a low waist line in my mind. Then I smiled seeing the tan line cutting across his crack in my mental image. He would have a six-pack, but not as nice as Hank's.
And I went around the room evaluating each of the guys. After about 20 minutes of this, I realized the professor had just asked me a question and I was caught daydreaming with no idea of the topic.
I blushed and stammered out asking him to repeat the question. He suggested I stay after class and he would ask me the question again. I turned my attention to him. He was dressed in jeans, sweater with the tails of the shirt underneath sticking out and loafers. His dark blond hair was disheveled and he had a scraggily beard on his chin as if he was trying for the "in" professor look. I imagined shim thin in his white briefs, also no tan lines and with maybe a wisp of hair on his chest.
I tried to picture him in a room full of men in their underwear and he would be trying to look nonchalant and not succeeding; trying too hard to fit in.
Then I tried to imagine if he was circumcised or not. I imagined him with a smallish cut dick sticking out of a thin pubic bush over a small set of balls. It made me smile, to which he said, "You find this amusing?"
I shook my head and tried to concentrate on what he was talking about. But as he turned to write on the whiteboard, I saw his white butt wiggling as he wrote and covered my mouth and coughed to cover my smile.
I closed my eyes and tried to clear the image from my mind and think of my place in the forest but I got an image of him hiking naked along the trail and nearly choked trying not to laugh.
I really needed to learn to control myself. I thought of Hank then and remembered we were going to a frat party this evening. I wondered what it would be like and would it have any of the things that I had heard about. Would I see naked frat guys pissing in beer bottles? Would I see them jerking off over a pizza and the loser having to eat it?
Shit! I was getting hard and it was becoming more and more difficult to concentrate on anything in the classroom. Fuck! I had to read that information Marshall had given me!
Thank you again for the comments, suggestions and photos! Always appreciated
Harryrod575@yahoo.com
Have fun
harry