Title: Kiss Kiss Author: Parlance, copyright 2001 Email: par_lance1@yahoo.com Feedback appreciated. Flames will be used to burn JC's latest choice in "fashion." Website: http://www.geocities.com/par_lance1 Pairing: Joey/Lance Classification: Dark humor. Slashfic Rating: PG-13 for a few naughty words and references to pretty men who love other pretty men.
Disclaimer/Author's Notes: Wouldn't it be nice if *Nsync really did exchange VD's with their loved ones?
Wait that came out wrong. Oh, well, it's fiction.
Same universe as "The Secret Marriage."
As for the Mrs. Swan reference, I'm not trying to be offensive - I'm just relating every personal experience I've had in Montebello.
Glossary: "Flip a bitch" is a West-Coastism for making a U-turn.
Summary: Lance tries to surprise Joey for Valentine's Day. Tries to. Obsession-compulsion is a bitch.
A shout out to Sammie, Cat and Jess for betaing. And to Darcy for figuring out the real inspiration behind the story, ;->
It was a typically sunny Angeleno winter's day. A bit breezier than normal. But "breezy" in Los Angeles meant "livable" in the rest of the country. Lance Bass had decided to risk being spotted and had taken the top off his silver Prowler. He had gone incognito anyway, covering his eyes with his darkest shades and covering his telltale spikes with the hood of his sweater. Joey had teased him earlier, saying he was more like to be mistaken for the Unabomber than Lance Bass.
Lance smiled as he sailed down the 101. The guys were recording parts of their latest album in LA, and they'd broken for lunch. Lance had stolen the opportunity to be a mallrat and find Joey's Valentine's Day gift. It was the first Valentine's Day they would spend together since they'd been married the year before in Vermont.
Lance wasn't sure what he wanted to get Joey to celebrate the holiday, though. It wasn't Christmas and it wasn't his birthday. He wasn't sure what would be appropriate without going over the top. Or was it okay to go over the top for one's first Valentine's? At least they had already solidified plans. Out of all of LA's hotels, Joey most appreciated the rich Hollywood history behind the Beverly Hills Hotel, and they had agreed to spend a night cooped up within grand old edifice, in a suite with a kitchen, where they could cook for each other and shut out the rest of the world for just one night. But the hotel room was a gift they'd chipped in for together, and Lance had been wracking his brain to find something unique to express his affection.
Then he'd seen Them.
The Hallmark Kiss Kiss Bears.
Hallmark had been running a commercial featuring two guys trying to impress the same girl. One had brought a life-size teddy bear to her front door. He gave it to her and was rewarded with a warm hug. He scoffed at his rival, who'd only brought two little teddy bears for his girl. But then that guy presented his bears to her and brought them together. They attached magnetically at the nose... just like a kiss. One could see only the woman's eyes above the joined bears, but that was enough to know which of the two suitors she'd chosen.
Lance decided he had to have a set of those bears. Two bears to signify him and Joey. Forever joined. They were adorable. And perfect.
Lance had had *Nsync's assistant, Lauren, call around to every Hallmark store in the immediate area. Lauren had given Lance a dubious look when he'd asked her to find the bears - he wasn't sure why. But she shrugged and made the calls anyway.
Unfortunately, everyone had the same idea. All the Kiss Kiss bears sold out immediately, and the factory had no more to send. Finally, however, Lauren was successful with the last store she called in a suburb of LA called Montebello. There was one more set left, and they would gladly hold it for Lance.
Lance pulled into the parking lot of the Montebello Town Center. He could have sent Lauren to get the bears, but he wanted to hold them and see them gift wrapped himself. Lance smiled and whistled as he entered the mall. He was so excited he couldn't help but daydream about the night ahead.
As soon as he stepped foot inside the mall, however, he began to wish he'd sent his assistant ahead after all. No one had warned him that Montebello was clearly a predominately Latino and Asian suburb. Not that there was anything wrong with that. But Lance wasn't used to being minority, and he stuck out in the huge mall like a sore thumb. He tightened his hood around his head and walked a little more quickly so he could finish his business as quickly as possible.
Lance found the Hallmark store and waited in line. He'd become even more self-conscious because people were staring at him, and he prayed it wasn't because they recognized him. He finally reached the counter and told the woman, whose voice and mannerisms to his amusement reminded him of Mrs. Swan on Mad TV, that he was picking up a set of Kiss Kiss bears.
"Oh, sorry. We sold out."
"Yes, I know. I called ahead, and they're being held for me. Can you look under James?"
"Ah, James, yes." The cashier pulled a slip from under the counter on which someone had scribbled his first name. "We sell them already."
"What? What do you mean?!"
"You see, we hold for you, but you not come quickly enough. A man come in and offer more than what they're worth. So we sell bears to him."
"Huh?!" Lance furrowed his eyebrows. "How can you do that? Besides, we- I just called this morning! How much more quickly did you need me to get here?!"
"Ah, yes, sorry." The woman smiled sweetly. "Nice man. He pay cash. Much more than what they're worth-"
"Yes, we've established that already," Lance interrupted. "I just drove down here from Hollywood. What am I supposed to do now?"
"There are some other bears - they stick too. Over there." Lance frowned, but walked in the direction of the woman's pointed finger. Sure enough, there were more magnetic bears. But they were not those bears.
They stuck together at the paws. Lance had seen that before. They weren't the real thing. They weren't Kiss Kiss bears.
Lance sighed. It wouldn't do to make a scene. Thoroughly annoyed, he left the store and returned to his car, with no idea what he would buy Joey now. He phoned Lauren and told her what happened. She apologized.
"It's not your fault. Clearly they'd taken my name down. Damn, if I'd known, I'd have had you offer more than whatever this jackass offered."
Lauren tried to lighten the mood. "How do you know he's a jackass? It's the store's fault."
"He's a jackass because he stole Joey's present." Lance answered, allowing himself a slight smile. "Can you call some other stores? Maybe we can get someone to ship out a pair."
"Sure. Although, maybe I can think of something else you can get him..."
"Yeah, that's Plan B. Let's not give up on this just yet, though."
Within 10 minutes, Lauren called Lance back. "Okay, if you can get to Del Amo, like right now, you can get these bears they've been holding for someone who never picked them up."
Lance burned rubber flipping a bitch on the road and followed Lauren's instructions to Del Amo.
When he got to that Hallmark, the bears had just been sold to someone who'd brushed past Lance as he was leaving. Lance cursed to himself as he left the store. His eye caught the store banner for the Kiss Kiss bears and swore at that too. Then he stopped. His eyes trailed to a large set of bears, bears almost as big as Lance himself, nuzzling each other at the nose. Lance excitedly ran back into the store.
"Those bears-" he began. "The display bears in the window. Are they magnetic like the little ones?"
The cashier nodded. "But those aren't for sale. Those are the only ones we have."
Lance flapped his arms at his sides in frustration. "What are you keeping them for? The bears are sold out."
"But that's the only Valentine's display we have. We have to keep them until the 14th, and then we're giving it to the employee of the month."
"Oh." Then, remembering his experience in Montebello, Lance had an idea. "What if I offered you a thousand dollars for those bears?"
The cashier raised an eyebrow. "I don't know if we could take any money for them, sir."
"Two thousand."
The cashier pursed her lips. "I'd sell it to you, but it's not up to me, and the manager's not here."
"When will she be back?"
The cashier gave him a card. "Name's Carla. Call back after lunch. I'm sure she'll work out something.
Oh, and, can you make sure you mention my name? We work on commission."
Lance nodded absent-mindedly, not really hearing her. He was already walking out the door, card and cell phone in hand, calling Lauren with the details.
"Okay, this time, I'll let you get them for me. I'll give you my credit card, and we'll be done with this."
Later that afternoon, Lauren called Lance from Del Amo during a break at the studio. "They won't let me use your credit card. Even with the copy of your ID. They need a note from you."
Lance rolled his eyes into the phone. "Well, what's the fax number? I'll send one right now."
"Yeah, that's the thing. They don't have a fax machine and none of the stores around here do either. Well, that's what they said anyway. They don't seem to believe that a man would give me his Platinum American Express card and tell me to go charge a couple of bears on it. I think you're going to have to come back here."
Lance quietly walked to the nearest wall and banged his head on it. "You okay, hon?" Joey looked over, worried.
"I'm fine. Ignore me." Damn it, why couldn't this be easy? "Okay," he told Lauren. "Tell them I'll be down there later and whatever they do, don't sell it!"
"Okay. But are you sure you don't want me to look for something else, Lance? You really might want to consider a different gift. I've seen a lot of nice things at the mall and you can get this all out of the way."
Why did she keep insisting that he get something else?
"No, not yet," he told her firmly.
That evening, Lance called the store to make sure the bears were still there. He braved the cut-offs and road rage typical to rush hour traffic in Los Angeles to pick them up. As he got closer to the store, the tension in his shoulders was easing as he knew he'd finally be finished with this ordeal.
Just as Lance, entered the store, he was almost knocked over by a taller, stockier man carrying two large bears. The Kiss Kiss bears were no longer in the display.
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Lance yelled. "Those are my bears. I'm buying them. They were held for me!"
The larger man looked down at Lance from behind the massive bears and frowned. "Don't think so, dude. My grandma just picked them out and they're going with us."
Lance finally snapped. He yelled at the clerk helplessly watching the scene unfold. "Are you going to let this happen?! I hold you personally responsible!" He turned to the man, whom he'd silently dubbed Meathead. "Grandma, my ass. What are you going to do, sell it on Ebay?"
As if on cue, a tiny elderly woman appeared from behind her grandson. Lance sighed. His patience was ebbing, but he decided to turn on the Southern charm and appeal to the older woman.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I came by earlier today, and I spoke with the manager. It was already arranged. This would mean so much to me and my hu-" Lance caught himself. "Girlfriend. She's had her mind set on these dolls. I can't break her heart. Surely there's another mall where you can find the same ones."
The old woman gave Lance a frown similar to the one Meathead was giving him. "Then I suggest you go to that other mall and get your own. We got here first."
"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but that's not-"
"You've got some nerve, young man, trying to steal toys from a helpless old lady. I live on nothing but a pension. My pride and joy tries to make my last days happier, and you try to deny me what little I've got."
"No, ma'am, I didn't mean-" Lance was now embarrassed on top of being steamed. She didn't look that destitute at all. And besides, it was his bears he was stealing. No- he wasn't stealing them at all. Damn it. Now she had him confused.
"If my husband were here, God bless his soul, he'd teach you a lesson. I don't know what's gotten into you youth today. Come on, Aloysius. We need to get home in time to catch "Wheel of Fortune." She pushed her grandson ahead of her.
"Aloysius," Lance muttered to himself. "Who still names their kid Aloysius?" That was the last thing he said before everything went dark.
Lance came to in a holding cell, under the darkening glare of Johnny Wright. "James Lance Bass. What were you thinking? Accosting an elderly woman over a doll?"
"Two," Lance corrected him. His eye stung - what was that about? Slowly, the memory came to him. Apparently his voice carried louder than he'd intended it to. "And I didn't accost her. Her grandson's the one who slammed his fist in my face."
"Well, that's not the story they're telling. Someone found your wallet and clearly they've got the proverbial case of dollar signs in their eyes. But you're lucky. They're not going to press charges."
"Good, they shouldn't-"
"PROVIDED," Johnny interrupted, "you sign some autographs for their family."
"What?! I'm not going to give them autographs. They stole my dolls, gave me the black eye, and now I have to kiss their asses too?"
"Look, Lance. You don't need a reputation for beating up on old ladies. Or getting beaten up by old ladies, however they'd decide to spin the story. Sign a few autographs, and we'll be done with this."
Lance sighed. Then he brightened. "Did they specify how I'm supposed to sign them?"
Johnny shrugged. "Well, no."
Lance grinned evilly to himself. He'll sign his name, alright. Along with a few other choice words.
The next day, Lance went into the studio with his newly-acquired swollen eye. Neither he nor Johnny would answer any of the worried inquiries about it. Finally, the others, even Joey, left Lance to his obviously foul mood.
Johnny implored Lance, just like Lauren, to forget about the bears and get Joey a box of chocolates or something, because Lord knows he'd appreciate them just as much if not more. But now Lance was on a mission. He could feel the Taurean stubbornness rising within him. Somehow since the fracas from the night before, he'd managed to convince himself that the harder he worked to get those damn bears, the more Joey deserved him. A line from an Offspring song ran through his head, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care."
A rational voice inside Lance's head was telling him that the blow to his head had obviously made him delirious, but he slapped down the thought. He couldn't give up. He was officially obsessed with those Kiss Kiss bears and we would have them at whatever cost.
For the next two days, Lance searched on the internet and called and every Hallmark store in the Southland looking for those dang bears. Even while he was recording, he was thinking about the list of stores he'd printed off his laptop and had meticulously ticked off one by one.
He had almost gotten another pair earlier that week, but he'd gotten into a skirmish with another man trying to buy them for his girlfriend. They ended up ripping one of the bears apart in a tug of war and paying for them anyway. The manager offered to let either of them take the bears home if they wanted to have them patched up. Lance politely declined. These bears had to be flawless.
Everywhere he looked Lance saw Kiss Kiss bears. They kept running the commercial even though they were sold out. He was being mocked, he was sure of it. He saw people with wrapped boxes in their hands, imagining they held stuffed magnetic bears for some other person's loved one, and not his. He swore that the store owners were purposely withholding those dolls from him. They'd all conspired to keep the first Valentine's Day with his love from being a joyous occasion.
He even dreamt about bears. He dreamt about finding them, but then opening the box on Valentine's Day and finding magnetic toads instead. He dreamt that he couldn't find any and Joey was disappointed with his lack of ingenuity. He dreamt of being suffocated by an avalanche of bears. Each day grew closer to February 14, Lance grew more frantic. Other people were going to get exactly what they wanted for Valentine's Day. What about his Joey?
Meanwhile, Lance was not being nice to those around him. He yelled at Lauren for suggesting again that he get something else. He caught himself snarling at his bandmates when they asked him how he was doing or tried to get him to pay attention to the songs they were recording.
"Dude, I'll be glad when you stop PMS'ing," Justin muttered at him. Chris rolled his eyes and JC swatted the younger man on the back of the head. Lance muttered an apology, saying he was stressed out over prepping for "On the Line." It was true, sort of. By then he had managed to relate even the upcoming movie to his Valentine's woes. What if Joey got him something spectacular and his present didn't match up?
What if Joey became disappointed or hurt? What if that caused tension between them? What if Joey left him for a more caring model? What if Lance died penniless and 50 pounds overweight with no one to love him just like Stuart Smalley?
Maybe he should stop worrying and just get Joey that cute pair of Superman boxers he'd seen at Hot Topic. After all, it was the thought that counted. Lance shook his head. No. Bears. That was the solution. The answer to life was in those Kiss Kiss bears.
"Earth to Lance. You missed your cue," came the producers' voice over the headphones.
"Sorry." Lance concentrated on the job at hand and tabled all thoughts of bears, magnetic or otherwise. For the time being.
Finally, the Sunday before Valentine's Day, Lance found a store in Bakersfield, a little podunk in the armpit of California almost 200 miles outside of Los Angeles that still had the display bears. Lance jumped in his car that morning, intent on buying those bears if he had to stalk someone and kill him. Lance made the trip in record time, acquiring three speeding tickets in the process. By then the CHP had him on alert. But he didn't care. He was nearing the end of his quest, and that's all that mattered.
Lance screeched into the parking lot of the Bakersfield mall. He walked past into the Sears, past the men's clothing, past the jewelry section, past the makeup counter, past the woman who spritzed cologne in his face, and into the mall. He saw nothing and no one except for that yellow Gold Crown Hallmark sign at the other side of the building.
Lance stomped into the Hallmark, and, not even realizing that he had shoved a woman aside, triumphantly plopped $5000 in hundred dollar bills on the counter.
"$5000 in CASH!" Lance shouted at the top of his lungs. "CASH! Not a credit card. No assistant to deal with anymore of this bullcrap. You see those bears? I'm taking them home. Right NOW. No one is going to stop me. I don't care if those bears have been dragged through the mud and only have one eye left. They're mine and I'M TAKING THEM HOME!!" And with that, Lance stepped into the display window himself and stumbled out of the Hallmark with the two enormous bears in tow. "MINE!"
The manager, the cashiers and the rest of the patrons, watched in stunned silence.
"Dude, what was that?" someone said.
"You know those rich folks. A little on the eccentric side."
"S'all right with me," said the manager, counting the bills. "No one wanted them. I would have given them to him for free."
***************************************** Valentine's night, Lance and Joey had just finished feeding each other dessert and champagne in their suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed. It was finally time to open each other's gifts.
"I want to open yours first." Lance said. His heart was beating so fast. He couldn't wait to see the delight in Joey's eyes. He loved the way his eyes became crescent moons when he was happy.
"Okay. Here."
It was a medium sized box. Lance shook it, smiling.
"Aw, just go ahead and open it." Joey told him, impatiently, but still smiling.
Lance tore at the ornately decorated box. Was it clothes? Sex toys? That seemed like a Joey gift. Whatever, he knew he'd love it. It was awfully light.
Maybe there was a box within a box - maybe it was jewelry. But he already had a commitment ring. The box was finally open, and Lance tossed wads of tissue paper out of the box and revealed Joey's present. Lance's smile froze.
In the box were two Kiss Kiss bears. The little ones.
Joey excitedly reached into the box and raised the two bears to Lance's eye level and brought them together, just like in the commercial.
"See? It's the Kiss Kiss bears - haven't you seen them? I thought you'd like them. I saw that commercial and thought of you immediately. And you wouldn't believe the hell I went through trying to find them. They're sold out everywhere! I had Lauren call every mall in Southern California and finally she ended up finding the last pair in Montebello! Can you believe that?! I think I was the only white person within a 10-mile radius. I paid a ton for them. But it's all worth it to see the look in your eyes. Lauren's so good at keeping a secret." Joey chuckled and placed the bears back in the box. "So, come on. I wanna open your gift now. What'd you get me? Hon, what's wrong?"
Lance only gritted his teeth in response. February 14th would be a certain assistant's last day on Earth.
And Fatone was going to be spending the rest of his life, if not the rest of eternity, making this one up to him.
FINIS
===== Lance Bass: "Can we edit this so it looks like I'm smart?" Jay Leno: "I don't think we can do that much editing."
"Yea, verily, this sucks." - Christopher in "Idle Pleasures"
Parlance's *NSYNC Fan Fiction: http://www.geocities.com/par_lance1