KIAN AND SHANE
by Ben W. Reisser
DISCLAIMER:
This story is a work of fiction involving some members of a famous boy band. It does not imply in any way the sexual orientation of anyone of the individuals mentioned. If you are not permitted to read stuff like this or if you find gay themes offensive, this story is clearly not for you. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy.
This is a fictional story set in the pre-Westlife era. I hope you'll enjoy reading this and if you're especially kind enough, drop me a note at my e-mail address above afterwards. Thanks!
(SLIGO, IRELAND - Sometime in 1996)
PART I - Kian
"So, what's the rush?" my mom Patricia asked. She was having her morning coffee when I stormed the dining room like a raving lunatic.
"Oh, I'm going be late for school!"
"But honey, you're always late!" My mom chuckled.
"Not today," I mumbled as I quickly took a mouthful of her pancakes. "They're giving out the roles for the musical production."
"Is that the same mus'cal you auditioned for last week? What's the title again?"
"Grease," I replied. My mom was giving me an amused look as I devoured the rest of my pancakes and milk in record time.
"Wish me luck!" I said as I gave my mom a quick peck in the cheek.
"You know we're always behind you. Goodluck, my Blondie!"
"Thanks!" I replied and then smiled. Under normal circumstances, I would have absolutely hated to hear mom calling me by my childhood nickname. But today, it felt different. It was as if that nickname which was derived from the fact that I have the blondest hair in the house suddenly became music to my ears.
The crowd at the school theatre was significant and rowdy the moment I arrived. Well, with so many musically-inclined students at Summerhill College, what do you expect? And besides, Grease is going to be the school's grandest musical production ever. So it's no wonder why so many were determined to land parts in the musical. I was one of the hopefuls.
Nary a soul from the production can be seen in the theatre premises so I decided to look for a good place to sit down while waiting. I was about to take my seat when I saw Shane sitting across the hall. He saw me too and he waved, inviting me to sit next to him. I did.
Shane and I have known each other for quite a long time already. We became very good friends as we were both involved in several theatre productions since the start of our high school years. He's a year older than I (Shane's sixteen, just do your math), but we both stand five feet and eight inches tall. His eyes are as green as the sea while mine are as blue as the sky. He has dark brown hair which was cut rather short while I wore mine long. Also, he is hairy in contrast to my smooth and not-so-hairy body. (FYI, I know what I'm talking about since I saw him topless at the gym one time!). Shane's family was rich. They own the classy Carlton Cafe in town. The Filans also own a large stable outside Sligo with more than fifty horses. The Egans (my family) in contrast are not that well-off, and I have to hold different jobs to support myself (one of them was really outrageous; you will know the details later). Shane once said he also works as waiter from time to time at their cafe, but that's a different matter since the place is theirs! But no matter how remarkable are our differences, we're still good friends.
As I sat next to Shane, I felt a sudden surge of electricity run through my body. I have never felt any attraction to this lad before. But it all started a week ago when just after the audition for Grease was over, he invited me to work-out with him at the gym. That was the beginning. Seeing him flex his muscles (very remarkable for a young man his age) automatically turned on something in me that I found myself more and more attracted to him as days went by. Well, we have also seen each other without our shirts on after the work-out, which even fueled the fire, but no more than that (We decided to shower in our own homes since it was getting late the time we finished.)
Later in bed, I began to question myself. Is it normal to be attracted to the same sex? Am I queer? I couldn't sleep that night, for I just couldn't extract any answer.
The next night, sleep again eluded me for some time. Shane was just the first male that I'm attracted to but was it enough to make me gay? If yes, why am I different from my brothers? I'm sure Colm, Gavin and Tom are as straight as a ruler. How would they react if they'll know I'm acting very differently?
It's good that my excitement over Grease slowly began to take over the following days that I managed to push these disturbing thoughts aside a little bit. But now as I sat next to Shane, the electricity was back.
"I hope we land good roles," Shane said.
"Huh?"
Shane repeated his sentence for me. I smiled and thanked him. He also flashed his killer grin.
"So, how are you feeling right now?" He asked.
"Oh, nervous of course! I guess everybody feels that way too except... you."
"Hey, who says I don't feel butterflies in my stomach too?" Shane replied and gave me a light push in the shoulder. More sparks of electricity. "I also feel tensed about it. But if the role really is for me, then it will go to me."
Shane and I were about to converse some more when Liam Graham, the musical director and a woman from the production staff showed up on stage and went for the microphone. Everybody grew silent.
"Good morning to all of you. The school's local theatre production would like to announce the official cast for the upcoming musical Grease. So without much ado, Mary, will you do the honors?" Liam signalled the woman who was holding the roster of roles.
Mary McDonagh began announcing the minor roles first. Then at last, it was time to reveal who got the lead roles. The first one went to Mark Feehily, a guy Shane and I have already worked with in a couple or so of musicals in the past. I was getting more and more excited but when only two slots were left, I began to expect the worst.
"Shane Steven Filan!" Mary shouted over the mic which was followed by cheers and claps. I quickly shook his hand as he made his way to join the other cast members on stage. Deep in me I envied him, for I was almost sure I wouldn't land on any part in the musical.
But not for long...
"... and our final lead role goes to Kian John Francis Egan!"
At first I didn't believe it. I thought I was hearing things, but when those seating in front of me began extending their hands, I knew I got it.
The chosen members were told to stay afterwards at the hall for a briefing by the stage manager. Liam said the practice will begin in three days and that we should start preparing ourselves by now for the rigorous rehearsals to come. I have not much of a problem with that. The only problem was, how I could control myself now that Shane would be around with me almost all the time.
PART II - Shane
Landing a part in Grease was one of the happiest times in my life. I could not remember a lot of other moments in my entire childhood when I have felt such overflowing joy. Those other times I can vividly remember were: when I won the Welsh Grand Prix in horseback-riding at age nine and when my dad Peter surprised me one day with a new Michael Jackson album.
It was such a perfect time to celebrate since not only I did land in a good role but my buddy Kian as well. So after the director's briefing, I invited Kian and Mark over at our family restaurant for some celebration. They gracefully accepted the invitation, although Mark didn't stay very long with us since it was his shift that time to deliver pizza.
After Mark had left, Kian and I started to talk more and more personal about ourselves. Not that we don't like Fat Lips around (Mark's nickname, which Kian said was far more obnoxious than his childhood name, although he vehemently refused to tell me what it was, no matter how I coaxed him), but I just feel more comfortable confiding to Kian the things I wouldn't normally tell anyone.
Kian told me he had a girlfriend named Sonia, but that was two years ago. He asked me if I had one, too.
"S-sure," I remarked, which was true "I had a girlfriend not long ago, but we drifted apart when her family moved to Dublin."
"Have you ever tried..." Kian spoke but he stopped before ever finishing his sentence.
"What, Kian?"
"Having sex with a girl?"
"Well, I haven't gone as far as kissing a girl, but I would love to!" I faked.
"Yeah, same here." He said.
"Ha! Why should I believe you! You're the most flirtatious lad I have ever known in campus and you're telling me now that you have never used your charms even just for once to hook up with a gal?"
Kian looked at me in the eyes. For a while I thought there was something strange in his gaze but I dismissed it. "I'm just waiting for the right time. I'm in no hurry."
I was relieved by what Kian had said. I would certainly feel jealous if I learned he had already done it with somebody else (OK, so I have feelings for him! But he doesn't know that and will never know!)
Kian also told me unabashedly that at times when the going really gets tough he sometimes serves as a campus kissogram. Although I've heard that he was such before from secondhand sources, I never fully understood what that meant.
"Someone arranges with you to have a poem written for a particular person for a fee," he explained uninhibitedly, "Then you go to her and read your poem aloud, then you kiss her in the cheek and walk out."
"Are you really doing that?" I asked
"I have been doing it like a pro for quite sometime, although at first it really takes a nerve to do it."
As we were about to finish our lunch, Kian asked, "So, who's gonna take care of the bill?"
"Not a problem," I answered. "I was the one who invited you so you do not have to do anything about that. And heck, it's our family restaurant! Dad is always in good mood these days that he is letting me lunch with some friends from time to time free of charge. What you only need to worry about is the service charge."
"Ha!" Kian exclaimed in an exaggerated manner. "So I owe from you just because you waited at our table, eh? So what do you want me to do?"
"Well, I could use some of your services as a kissogram..."
It was only intended as a joke, nothing more, but I was shocked by Kian's reaction to it.
"You're not a girl." He snapped, the sunny smile in his youthful face suddenly gone.
Kian didn't speak more than an icy "thank you." as we walked out of Carlton and parted ways. I felt devastated. I couldn't forgive myself for what I have said, though it was only meant to amuse him. God, does he already suspect that I have feelings for him?
INTERMISSION I - Mark
While I was delivering pizza downtown later this morning, I happened to venture upon Kian who was walking in the street with his head bowed down. I invited him to hop in the car since my next delivery was not very far from his place, but he just thanked me indifferently and said he could use some exercise. There was an obvious frown on his face. I said to myself, this is not the usual Kian who is forever lively and cheerful. Anyway, you'll have to excuse me. One pepperoni plus is on the way!
PART III - Kian
I was crushed. I had barely the wits to get home after what had happened. I saw Mark as I was heading home and he offered me a lift, but I treated him so coldly. (Mental note: apologise to him at school tomorrow.) As I reached our house I dashed to my room and let out soft sobs.
God, what in the world did I do that for? I sincerely believe Shane only meant it as a joke but I reacted so badly. But if only he knew that I am falling for him... If he only knew how painful it is to withold these feelings for him inside me which are growing within every minute I am with him... if only Shane knew...
Streams of tears freely welled from my eyes. I was not a hundred percent sure at the moment if it was already true love for Shane that I was feeling, but I knew that I long for him, badly. Yet, I figured that there's no way I could let him know about this feeling. I was crying because I concluded that my affection towards Shane is downright unlawful, and the moment he will come to know of it, he will surely reject me as a friend and will never speak to me again. But how could I pretend any longer that the thing between us is just good-natured friendship? If I will just be repressing this feeling inside me everytime I am with Shane, I would snap. I was uncertain as to what was best to be done. But a voice from the corner of my mind kept on nagging me that I should stay away from Shane now that there's still time. Because it would be a lot more painful to part with him the moment I had completely fallen for him. The thought of the pain made me cry harder. But sleep, like a merciful angel of death to a creature in pain, swiftly came to me.
"Dinner time, Kian!" I was awaken by loud raps at my door. It was already past eight and I overslept.
"Coming, Fenella!" I called back to my sister. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a little sore. I splashed some water over my face and wiped it with a towel. I combed my disheveled hair and went downstairs.
At the table, everybody noticed my strange mood. Ordinarily, we would be all talking so heartily in between bites and gulps, but tonight I was dead silent.
"Why, didn't you like the steak? It's your favorite!" Mom commented as she looked at me, then she exclaimed, "Oh, honey, you didn't get the part! I'm so sorry!"
"No, I landed a good part," I tried to look and sound happy but it was futile. "I just have this headache," I malingered.
"The girls are giving him a headache, perhaps," Colm snickered and everybody laughed except me.
"Are you sure you're OK?" Dad inquired. "Cause you're always happy even at times when you're only barely alive." More laughter.
I nodded weakly. I tried to swallow another mouthful of my share of food but I just couldn't. I felt I was going to vomit if I would take another bite. So I excused myself and left with an almost untouched plate.
Back to my room I decided to take a shower. The water was refreshing but it did little to lift my spirits up. As I lathered I began analyzing my condition once again. I thought critically and carefully of the best way to solve this growing crisis. And when I stepped out of the stall, my mind was already set. I came to a conclusion to avoid Shane from that time on no matter how hard and painful it will be. And that also meant quitting from Grease.
The state of my mind and body was unchanged the following day. I woke up feeling tired and exhausted. My family again noticed this at the breakfast table. Everyone cast their look of concern at me, especially my older brother Gavin.
During breaktime I saw Mark walking in the hallway alone. I approached him and apologised for my untoward behaviour the previous day. I explained that this is because of a dull headache that suddenly came to me after Shane and I left the restaurant.
"Then why did you decline my offer to take you home?" Mark shot a puzzling look at me. I lowered my eyes because I couldn't supply him with any sane explanation.
Thankfully the bell rang almost right after that and I was spared. We said our goodbyes to each other and headed to our classes.
My Contemporary Literature class with Father Eddie Moore felt dry and boring that morning, which was a surprise, since I usually like both the subject and the teacher. I waited for the bell to ringing like eternity. At lunch, I sullenly headed to the cafeteria.
I was already halfway through my lunch when Shane came to my table holding his tray. "Mind if I share?" he smiled at me as I looked upon him.
"Not at all. Be my guest." I replied and smiled back. But I was sure that he knew I was only faking my expression.
He had barely began eating when I said, "Will you please excuse me? I really have to go."
"Why, you haven't finished your food?" He commented.
"I don't feel very hungry, that's all." I hurriedly picked up my backpack and left the cafeteria, never glancing back at him.
I quickly made my way across the hallway. It was empty since everybody was still eating. Then I realised I was being followed.
I turned back and saw Shane desperately trying to get to me. His face looked tensed and a little bit frightened.
"Why are you following me?" I said in my most icy voice.
"Because you're avoiding me, that's why!" Shane exclaimed, trying to hold my shoulders but I brushed him off. "You were in best spirits yesterday but suddenly you've turned so cold to me. Why? We're friends for God's sake! Have I done anything to hurt you?"
"No! You haven't done anything wrong. It's all my fault!" I looked away as I tried to hide my tears from him. Then I walked away as fast as I could, leaving a stupefied Shane in the middle of the empty walkway.
INTERMISSION II - Gavin Egan
My brother had been acting so weird lately. He was not his usual self. That was very startling. He should be glad that he had gotten one of the lead roles in what was that again? Yeah, the Grease thing. But it was the exact opposite that I'm seeing in his face and hearing in his words these days. I can't help but to think that, the behavior he is displaying right now is so reminiscent of mine a year ago when I started to question my sexuality... Oh my God! He can't be gay like me! No way, Jose!
PART IV - Shane
He suspects! Kian suspects! I could not contain my emotions after that fateful encounter that I rushed to the lavatory with hot tears in my eyes. Thankfully, there was no one around at that time. I entered one of the stalls and there, I let out all the terrible anguish inside me.
It's all my fault, I blamed myself. Kian's not dumb so as not to find out the meaning of all the things I've doing to him, from those invitations to the restaurant and gym, or those seemingly innocent but definitely intended taps, pats and touches, to my lustful gazes and smiles. Then there's the joke about my desire to avail of his services as a kissogram, which was of course the last straw. How could I've been such a fool? I've just lost a good friend because I was not so careful that I let my true feelings show!
I need to talk to Kian. But how can I do that when he's avoiding me like a plague? But I must really talk to him. I decided to let him know of my feelings for him straight from me. I'm prepared for the worst cataclysm yet to come. He may despise and loathe me far more than what he is already doing now, but I have made up my mind.
Tomorrow's an official Irish holiday. The next day would already be the start of the rehearsals for Grease. I grew even sadder with that thought. How will I concentrate with the musical when my emotions are so devastated at the moment? And especially with Kian's presence during the practices, how could I pretend that everything's still alright?
That night I have thought of a plan to carry out my decision. It made me feel a little better. But as I slowly drifted to sleep, I'm still filled with fears and apprehensions.
The following morning, I found myself in front of the Egans, ringing the doorbell.
"Oh! It's you, Shane! Hello!" Kian's mom greeted me at the door. "Come in!"
The moment I stepped inside was the same moment Kian came down the stairs. Our eyes just avoided each other like complete strangers.
"Oh, Mrs. Egan, can I take Kian with me to our stable just outside the town?" I broke the silence. "I promised Kian yesterday to show him my winning steed Jasper. We won't be very long."
"Oh, don't worry about that," Patricia Egan remarked with a smile. Then he looked at Kian, "You can go, son."
Kian was speechless. He couldn't believe I just committed the greatest lie in my life ever to his mother. But nevertheless he managed to feign a good-natured smile at his mother and me as we walked outside to my waiting car.
"Fuck! What are you doing, Filan!" He roared as soon as the car moved out from the view of her mom who was waving us goodbye.
"Trying desperately to repair things between us!" I screeched as I slammed the brakes. The red light was on.
"Nothing's what it used to be, Shane! Now, let me out of this damn car!"
No, you're not leaving me 'til we have sorted this thing out!" I firmly interjected. A very very long silence afterwards.
We reached the stable after a forty-minute drive. By that time, the silence between us was so maddening. I brought the car to one of the most secluded places of the stable overlooking a small wooded valley. I stepped out of the car. Kian reluctantly followed.
"K-Kian..." My voice broke as tears began rolling down my cheeks. "I know the reason why you've been avoiding me..."
"You don't know anything, Filan!" Kian blurted out.
"Please, Kian, listen to me. I know why you've been acting like that to me lately. And I deserve it! What you suspect about me is right all along. I-it's... true... I have feelings for you..."
"What?!" He was so surprised I thought he was gonna hit me in the face right away.
"Yes, I know you've been avoiding me because you have finally figured out what a jerk your friend is to be lusting for you. Kian, I'm gay! And I'm falling for you!" I sobbed violently.
Kian was tongue-tied at the moment while I went down to my knees and buried my face in my hands. Then suddenly, I felt a hand caressing my hair. I looked up and saw Kian crying too.
"Shane, I've been avoiding you lately since I also have feelings for you. But I also thought I would only earn despise from you the moment I let you know of it. So I decided to avoid you, since my affection for you is growing every minute I spend my life in your company. I was afraid that there will come a time that I wouldn't be able to hold it back from you any longer. And the pain of your rejection would be most bitter by that time. So I thought that avoiding you as early as possible would be the best thing to do."
Kian took my arms and helped me stand. We embraced tenderly and our lips found each other. After a long kiss, we broke up for air and I said, "So all the while we had been holding feelings for each other yet we're so afraid to let it out."
"Yes, my sweet Shane, " Kian wiped the remaining tears in his eyes. "Boy, am I glad the misunderstanding's over. We can now love each without any fear or doubt."
Kian and I kissed passionately once again. It was without doubt the happiest day of my life. But I was sure that was just the beginning of greater things to come for both Kian and I.
INTERMISSION III - Gavin Egan
When my brother returned later that afternoon from the stables with his buddy Shane, he was back to his old self. I almost can't believe that sudden shift since when I saw him that morning, his face was as sour as a cider vinegar. Well, for now I have no reason to question his sexuality. I sincerely wish he would remain straight, for living (and hiding) a gay life is not as easy as it seems. And besides, one gay son is already enough in this family.
EPILOGUE - Kian
Shane and I couldn't wait to see each other again at the practice the next day. Throughout the day, I felt like floating in cloud 9, of course with Shane beside me holding my hand with endearment and tenderness.
Sorry guys! No explicit sexual contents this time! Although I originally intended to write this story as sexually stimulating as possible, I finally decided to take a break from my usual horny self and wrote a "love" story instead. Please understand that this is my first time to write a romantic story so pardon my shortcomings. Understand too, that English is not my native toungue so don't be so tight with my grammar.
For all of you readers who especially love to read Westlife stuff, don't miss my multi-part "I Lay My Cock On You" story at nifty. I guarantee that they were written during those times when I'm most horny. Thanks.