All the usual disclaimers apply: Please stop reading if you are underage or homophobic.
This is a work of fiction - nothing is being implied about the sexuality of any of the people portrayed below.
Author's notes: ---------------
I'll start including a 'previously in K&J' section, for those people who forget what happened in previous parts.
Thanks go out to everyone who has emailed me and encouraged me to continue writing - I really appreciate it ladies and gents! :)
And for those people who feel like I've 'broken' Kevin (hi Terabithia!), please persevere with this story... he'll be 'fixed' (eventually...!) :)
Anyway, here's the next instalment of Kevin & Justin...
Previously:
Kevin goes in search of Justin to let him know how he feels for him. He walks in just as Justin is telling his friend that he loves him, and misinterprets this as a sign that the two of them are in love. He leaves without Justin or JC noticing that he was there.
He decides that he can't hurt Justin, and accepts that they can only be friends. To that end, he starts avoiding Justin, partly for Curly's benefit, but mostly because he is feeling too hurt to subject himself to any further pain.
At their album signing, Justin can't help but feel upset that Boo has frozen him out of his life, and is falling into a gloomy depression. He loves Kevin so much that he cannot think of anything else except his angel! Meanwhile, Kevin is struggling with the same thoughts, and the pain of his devastating loss...
When they arrive at the stadium to rehearse, Kevin makes an excuse so that he and Brian can talk in private. In the other limo, Justin does the same...
Kevin & Justin - Chapter 8 --------------------------
Movement on the seat next to him, roused Justin from his gloomy introspection. He looked up to see JC looking back at him with concern in his eyes.
"Justin, I know you're going to hate me, but I've got to say this." JC felt like he was starting to sound like a broken record, but he had to warn his friend...
"What's on your mind Josh?"
"You don't realise it, but you're being painfully obvious about your feelings for Kevin!" He waited for Justin to explode.
"What? What did I do that would make you think that?" Justin's explosion was so mild it was almost non-existent. He was too dejected to expend any energy on anger.
JC sighed. "All throughout the signing you kept glancing at Kevin - I don't think you looked at a single person standing in front of you, let alone any of us, or the rest of the BSB guys! You were signing away on autopilot and your attention was focused solely on Kevin!"
Justin felt his lower lip starting to tremble.
JC gathered him into a hug. "Oh, Just," he sighed.
"I can't help it Josh." Justin cried freely now. "I DO love him! I love him so much... and I can't get close to him: he's frozen me out!"
JC rocked Justin, feeling his own tears falling in sympathy with his buddy's.
"I can FEEL that he doesn't want to be near me anymore!" Justin finally said, after a few minutes of silent crying. "I'm trying to ignore my feelings for him, for both our sakes, but it's not that easy!" He reached up to wipe his eyes.
"I know sweetie," JC said sympathetically, "but you have to get over him. I can't stand seeing you hurt this much!" He paused before adding, "You'll also have to be careful to keep this hidden from the other guys and the public. You don't know how scared I was seeing you looking at him, with the sadness plainly showing on your face! If anyone else had seen you in that state, they could have put two and two together and we would be in a lot of trouble now!"
JC's talk was not comforting Justin, even though he appreciated the reasons behind it.
"Justin, I'm saying this for your own good," JC continued, releasing Justin and looking directly into his eyes. "Can you imagine what would happen if you slip up the same way during tonight's interview?"
Justin felt a stab of fear. Josh was right! He had to compose himself before the interview. But more than that, he had to try to fool his friends into thinking that nothing was wrong, and he would need to continue doing so for the remainder of their joint tour. At least, until Kevin was no longer in his life...
JC studied his friend, as he struggled with the issues.
Justin finally looked up at him and said, "Thanks for everything Josh. I love you bro..."
JC's worried expression cleared in an instant. He felt the tears start to sting his eyes again as he smiled at his best friend. "Anything for you Just. I love you too buddy."
They both stared at each other, tears falling down their faces, and goofy half smiles touching their lips.
"I'll need your help though..."
"Like I said before Curly, anything for you! What do you want me to do?"
"I need you to keep me focused."
"I can certainly try..."
"Thanks Josh... I'd also like to stay away from Kevin if at all possible, but there'll be times I can't avoid him. I'd like you to be there with me on those occasions."
"Of course Just! You don't even need to ask that!"
Justin smiled. He reached over and pulled out two tissues from the limo's dispenser. He handed Josh one while he used the other to clean himself up and dry his eyes.
"I think the others will start to get worried if we don't make a move soon."
"Okay, race you!" cried JC, opening the door and sprinting for the stadium's entrance.
"Why you-" Justin said in surprise, then ran after his friend with a lighter heart and a slight smile on his face.
--*
"The guys suspect something's wrong," began Brian, not bothering with any formalities.
Kevin's surprised expression invited more information.
"I had A.J. bail me up at the record store. He wanted to have a group meeting - without you there - to discuss what happened at the studio."
"I see," said Kevin.
"No, I don't think you do," snapped Brian. "After all the trouble Justin," - he noticed Kevin's wince - "...Lance and I went through to open their eyes, the guys are no longer going to ignore any problems that concern you... ESPECIALLY you! You know how much Nick loves you; he'd do anything to make you happy! And after the guilt trip that A.J. and Howie suffered, they're going to be the same."
"Brian, what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?" Kevin's exasperated tone showed how much out of control he felt with the whole situation.
"I don't know Cuz," Brian said. "All I know is that the guys are extremely suspicious at the moment and we need to think of something to dispel their suspicions. We also have to prevent this from happening again! We're going to be touring with these guys for several months. Can you imagine what our guys will think if they see you 'up' one moment, and then 'down' the next, for the remainder of the tour? Sooner or later they're going to realise what triggers these mood swings!"
Kevin closed his eyes in surrender. Everything Brian was saying was true, but he didn't want to deal with it just now!
"Look Kev," Brian said softly. "At least help me think of a reason to explain why your mood changed at the studio and we can tackle everything else some other time."
"I don't know Bri. I can't think of anything which would hold water. Other than the truth..."
"But you're not ready to come out to them yet, are you?" asked Brian, hoping that maybe Kevin had changed his mind.
"NO!"
Well, that was certainly loud and clear! And expected...
"Well, what about telling them something like this: We can say that you overheard Justin and JC talking, and they said something really bad about you. You obviously became hurt at what they said, and that's why your mood changed!"
Kevin shook his head. "No, that would just cause our guys to go gunning after Justin and JC to get an apology. And once they've talked to them, they'll realise that we lied to them."
"Well, can you think of anything else? Hang on, what if we told them that we didn't want them to cause any trouble during the tour, so they would need to swear not to talk to JC or Justin until after the tour?"
Kevin considered this. "Still sounds risky. What if they still remember this when the tour winds up and they confront them? They'd still end up finding out that we lied to them. Besides, it would cause an unnecessary strain on relations in the meantime. I don't want our guys giving them the cold shoulder."
He also suspected that A.J. would go gunning after Justin and JC regardless of what they made him promise... it was just too risky!
"You're not helping Kev!" Brian cried out in frustration. "Think of something!"
Kevin remained silent for several minutes. As he was about to give in, he heard noises coming from outside the limo. He turned to look outside and saw JC running toward the stadium's entrance, pursued closely by a happy looking Justin.
He gazed longingly at his angel and felt the pain in his heart reappear: multiplied a thousand-fold! He felt the devastating loss of his angel so strongly, that he didn't even notice the tears falling down his cheeks, or the sobbing noises issuing from his mouth.
Brian briefly stared at the retreating form of Justin before turning to stare disquietedly at his distressed cousin.
He knew that he had been initially repelled at the thought of Kevin being gay... It had bothered him so much, that he had even considered trying to counsel Kev into choosing a heterosexual lifestyle. That was before he had talked with Kevin and realised that his cousin hadn't made this choice. After all, who would choose to be gay if they had a choice in the matter?
Now, seeing the agonising hurt that Kevin was suffering at the loss of his soulmate, coupled with the loving gazes he had seen earlier, Brian felt guilty and ashamed at his initial reaction.
If he ever found a girl that loved him half as much as Kevin loved Justin, then he'd be the luckiest man in the world!
He reached over and gathered his cousin into a hug, letting Kevin's hot tears fall onto his shoulder, and ignoring the loud painful sobs. He let his own tears fall unheedingly, as he sought to comfort his cousin.
The pain that he could feel emanating from Kevin was so deep that it almost seemed bottomless...
He patiently sat, letting his cousin cry himself dry. He rubbed Kevin's back, occasionally moving to rest his hand on his cousin's head. After a while, Kevin subsided and pulled himself away from his embrace.
Brian noticed the heavy veil of weariness that had settled over Kevin's features and knew that his cousin was not up to rehearsing tonight. He put his hand on Kevin's cheek and softly caressed it, wiping away the tear track in the process. He reached up with his other hand and wiped away the tear track from his other cheek.
"Cuz, you're in no shape to rehearse. Why don't you head back to the hotel and rest?"
"No, I couldn't do that," Kevin protested weakly.
"Yes you can, and you will! You can't see how ragged you look at the moment! You need to rest more than you need to stand around being shouted at by Fatima! And that's exactly what I think will happen. You're just not in the mood to rehearse." He paused. "I'll let the guys know you weren't feeling well, okay?"
Kevin didn't have the energy to resist any longer. He nodded his head slowly.
"Okay, don't move. I'll let the driver know."
Brian climbed past his cousin, pausing only long enough to grip his shoulder in support, before he stepped out and closed the door. He noticed the driver standing near the front of the vehicle and went over to speak to him.
"Hi. Can you please head back to the hotel? My cousin isn't-"
A voice from behind interrupted him. He turned to see A.J. looking at him from the entrance to the stadium.
Brian turned back to the driver and continued. "Please take my cousin back to the hotel. He's not feeling well."
The driver nodded, snapped a curt "Yes Sir!" to him, and got into the vehicle.
Brian turned back to see A.J. looking at him with a pissed off expression on his face. Then he saw A.J.'s expression change as A.J. woke up to the fact that the limo was leaving, with Kevin still inside...
"B-Rok, stop! What's going on?" A.J. shouted, starting to sprint towards the limousine.
The limousine pulled away before he had a chance to stop it. He could barely make out the dim shape of Kevin lying down, motionless, on the back seat. He looked totally wasted and spent!
--*
A.J. and Howie were not impressed. Fatima was staring at them as if it was their fault that Brian, Kevin, Justin and JC were missing. What's more, one of their road managers was in attendance, and was beginning to become vocal at the absence of Kevin.
They heard noises coming from backstage and prayed that Brian and Kevin had sorted out whatever they needed to discuss, and could get them off the hook...
To their disappointment, it turned out to be only JC and Justin.
The two newcomers noticed the tension in the air straight away and became sombre instantly.
Fatima, seizing this as a chance to get to work, spoke to the newcomers.
"At last, we've got one of the groups assembled! You two head over to join your friends; the rest of you get off the stage! I'll be using it in a short while."
She turned away to locate the 'N Sync CD and placed it in the portable player she had set up near the wings. "Okay guys, centre stage now! Start stretching and warming up!"
Howie and A.J. had taken her at her word when she asked them to leave. Unfortunately, Terry, their road manager, had decided to follow them.
"Howie, where are they? I need to discuss something with Kevin urgently!" He looked from Howie to A.J.
Howie sighed. "They're probably still in the limo Terry. I guess they had something a bit more complex to discuss than I thought."
Terry set his face into a determined look.
A.J. immediately guessed what he was going to do. He spoke up before Terry could say anything. "How about I go and get them? Hang tight Terry; I'll only be a second."
He gave Howie a private look of worry and then walked back onstage, ignoring the groaning of the 'N Sync guys and Fatima's scathing remarks about the level of their fitness, and the quality of their dancing...
He had to walk through the backstage area to get to the rear entrance of the stadium, and was held up for a short while as the stage crew blocked the passageway. They were struggling with a largish prop from BSB's stage set. When he finally got outside, he saw Brian talking to the limo driver. "Hey, B!" he called.
Brian turned to look at him, then turned quickly back to talk to the driver.
'What's his problem?' wondered A.J., feeling pissed off at the way Brian had ignored him. Then, seeing the driver get into the limousine, he suddenly understood Brian's urgency!
"B-Rok, stop! What's going on?" he shouted as he sprinted towards the limo, hoping to catch it before it got up to speed.
Too late, he reached Brian's side...
--*
Brian heard A.J. swear as the limo took off.
Turning to Brian with anger flashing in his eyes, A.J. yelled, "You'd better tell me what's happening, and you'd better tell me now!"
"Not here," replied Brian quietly, indicating the other driver.
"Yes, here!" insisted A.J., not bothering to moderate his tone. He looked across to the driver and said, "We'll be here for quite some time... Can you please come back around 8:30?"
The driver nodded curtly, said, "Yes sir," and hurriedly got into his limo and drove off.
"So tell me what's happening!" A.J. said.
Brian hesitated for a second.
"No bullshit either Brian; I'm not in the mood for it!"
"Kev's going back to the hotel to rest - he isn't feeling too good. That's the honest truth! I was the one who insisted that he go back... He didn't want to, but I made him!" Brian's voice had the ring of truth to it.
A.J. calmed down a fraction after hearing this, and in light of what he had seen as the limo had left. "What is happening Brian? Why has Kevin been acting strange all day? Why is he feeling sick all of a sudden?"
Brian could sense the confusion and concern in A.J.'s voice. It would be so much easier to deal with this if Kevin had told them about his sexuality! But until that happened, Brian couldn't break his trust.
"I don't know A.J... I think he's just had a rotten day. All day yesterday he was feeling left out, then today he was almost smothered by everyone! I don't think he knows how to cope with it all yet. He's probably just a bit overwhelmed...
"It probably also didn't help that he stayed up late last night, and I woke him up so early today. I think he's also been operating with a short fuse all day and something must have upset him. Either something he ate, or something that was said or done..." Brian left it deliberately vague, not knowing what excuse Kevin would come up with to explain his sudden mood swing to the guys...
A.J. stared at Brian, not really believing what he had just heard, but unable to call Brian a liar to his face. He let the matter drop for the moment... Somehow he'd find out the real reason!
"You'd better come inside and explain to Fatima and Management why we were so late getting here, and why Kevin isn't here now."
Brian nodded in resignation, and followed A.J. into the stadium.
--*
Howie finally managed to get away from Terry, and joined Nick in the first row of the audience seating.
They looked up at the guys rehearsing onstage and tried to smother their laughs. They knew that when their turn came, the 'N Sync guys would be doing the same to them.
Nick suddenly sighed and turned to face his friend.
"Howie, what do you think is going on? I've never seen Kevin act so strange before!" he asked in a worried tone.
"I wish I could tell you Nicky, but it's got me stumped too. After last night, I thought we had cleared everything up. He certainly looked happy enough this morning!"
"Yeah, but that's what's so strange... He was so happy, then all of a sudden, when he came back into the studio from wherever he disappeared to, it was like he was a totally different person!"
Howie thought back to the studio and had to agree with Nick. He hadn't seen when Kevin had left the main room of the studio, but when he had come back in, the change was so noticeable that all four of Kevin's friends had noticed it immediately!
He shook his head in confusion... When he looked back up, he noticed that Nick had turned back to watch the guys on the stage, though his expression clearly showed that he wasn't paying them any real attention.
He also noticed that A.J. and Brian had entered the stadium, though he couldn't see any sign of Kevin. When he saw them approach Terry and gesture towards the dressing room, he grabbed a hold of Nick and urgently said, "Come on!"
Nick was startled, but ran after Howie, ignoring the odd looks the guys onstage were giving them.
They reached the dressing room just as Terry was closing the door. He looked up, annoyed at the interruption, but waved them inside once he saw who they were.
"Okay Brian, can you please explain what's happening?" he asked.
"What do you want to know?" Brian asked in return. He felt like playing 'Twenty Questions'... Hopefully it would give everyone a migraine to match his own!
"Well for starters, why were you guys so late?"
"You can blame Kevin for that," he replied un-diplomatically, flashing an insincere smile at Terry. "He had a bit of a chat with the manager of the record store where we were doing our album signings. It seems the manager gave him a sob story about some of the customers having bought both CDs, but what with the larger than expected turnout, they wouldn't have a chance to have both CDs autographed. So Kevin agreed to spend an additional hour there so we could cater for those people."
Nick, who was the most used to Brian's sarcasm, felt just as stunned as the others at Brian's tone and manner.
"Forget the fact that it was probably a great piece of PR, as well as making a few dozen people extremely happy. Forget also that those same people will be spreading this via word of mouth to all their friends, and maybe helping with ticket sales. I guess it wouldn't even be worthwhile mentioning it in the interview tonight... After all, what does an hour matter to our public when we've got stage crews hanging around waiting for their 'stars' to show up?"
"B, calm down," Nick said gently. "I'm sure Terry appreciates that we spent that hour wisely. Don't you Terry?"
Terry was unused to seeing any of the guys this agitated. He grabbed hold of Nick's lifeline and tried to rescue himself.
"Yes guys. That was actually a very good way to spend the hour. Sorry for getting on your case like that Brian."
Brian sighed, feeling terrible that he had taken his frustration out on Terry. "That's okay Terry. I'm just under a bit of stress at the moment. I didn't mean to jump down your throat like that. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," responded Terry, in kind. He hesitated to ask anything else, but he had to know. "Umm, if it's not too much trouble, can I ask where Kevin is? He and I need to sort out some urgent things today."
Terry noticed the closed expressions on both A.J.'s and Brian's faces, as well as the anticipation on the faces of the other two.
"He's not feeling too well, Terry. I sent him back to the hotel to rest. He had rather a late night last night, as well as an early wake up call, neither of which were his fault." Brian paused for a moment, before adding, "I can assist if you'd like?"
A.J.'s expression remained neutral throughout Brian's explanation. However, the other two looked at Brian in surprise. Terry began to feel there was something else going on...
"I don't know Brian... Kevin's the only one who knows the schedule well enough to answer my questions," he replied in a dubious tone.
"Give me a go," suggested Brian. Turning to the others he said, "Looks like Terry and I have some business to discuss. Can you let Fatima know that Kevin and I won't be rehearsing today?"
The others exchanged looks and left the room.
--*
Once outside, Nick immediately turned to A.J. and asked, "What did Brian mean in there?"
"Just that, Nick," replied A.J., walking off in the direction of the stage. The other two hesitated briefly before following after him.
Fatima saw him approaching and wondered if she'd just acquired her next lot of victims. "Are you guys ready then? I think these guys could do with a rest, even though we've only worked through a single routine!"
"Almost. I just need to ask Lance and Joey something first."
Joey and Lance looked up at him as he spoke their names.
"Can one of you guys please head over to the dressing room? Terry's there, grilling Brian, and it's about the schedule. You're the only ones who know all the details."
Lance looked over at Joey and held up his hand. "I'll go. Just in case Terry asks something complex that I didn't cover with you this morning."
Joey nodded his head in relief. He was ready to hand back the reins at any time. He hoped Lance would take them back as soon as he returned from the dressing room...
"Okay, there's one other thing I need to tell you," A.J. said, looking directly at Fatima. He could see her eyes narrowing in suspicion. "We're going to be two short for rehearsals today. Brian probably won't be able to get away from Terry before this evening, and Kevin had to go back to the hotel. He wasn't feeling well."
Justin froze. What was wrong with Kevin? He looked over at JC and noticed an answering look of concern on his face as well.
"Is Kevin alright?" asked Fatima quickly. She knew that Kevin worked harder than most of them, often trying to catch up to his friends... He just didn't have the same amount of time to spare as them, as he was often called away to this meeting or that... He often made it up by hanging around later than the others, or by arranging some one-on-one sessions with her. He never shirked his dance training! So for him to miss it today, he must be feeling really sick!
"I don't really know. Brian sent him back to the hotel to rest. Kevin was ready to come in and work, but Brian overruled him. That sort of indicates to me that Kevin couldn't put up much of a struggle... he normally never loses a fight between himself and Brian! I got a glimpse of him as the limo took off - he didn't look too good... In fact, he looked absolutely wasted! He was lying down on the back seat, not moving at all..."
This was the first time that Nick and Howie had heard the full story, as well as the remaining members of 'N Sync and Fatima. They all had deeply concerned expressions on their faces.
"Oh poor baby," Fatima said dolefully. After a few moments thought she knew that she'd have to do something, or she'd work herself into a worry.
"Okay, well if I only have the three of you to work with, at least I'll be able to give each of you more of my attention. You others," she said, looking at the prone bodies lying on the stage, "...move! Go sit down and watch. Maybe you'll learn something."
None of them minded her tone. They knew she was worrying about Kevin...
Justin and the others roused themselves long enough to walk offstage. A.J., Nick and Howie started doing their stretching exercises before Fatima had to remind them.
"Good boys," she praised in an amused voice as she switched CDs in the portable player.
If she suddenly looked downcast every so often during their rehearsal, the boys understood what had caused the worry and politely ignored it.
--*
Chris and Joey settled down in the same two seats that Howie and Nick had vacated less than fifteen minutes ago.
Justin grabbed JC's arm and steered him away from them. He walked right to the back row of the audience seating and sat down. He was crying before JC sat down next to him.
"Oh sweetie, it's probably nothing serious," JC said, rubbing his hand along Justin's back.
"But Josh, you heard A.J.!"
JC didn't know what to say... All he could do was comfort his buddy. "We'll find out soon enough, Just. Please don't worry... If he's really sick I'm sure he'll go and see a doctor. Remember how sensible and responsible he is?"
Justin was slightly comforted at the sense of Josh's words. He looked up at his friend and smiled weakly.
JC smiled back and started wiping the tears away from Justin's face. "Are you going to be okay Curly?"
Justin nodded. Then unexpectedly, he broke down and started crying again.
JC pulled him into his arms and gently rocked him. He didn't say anything - there wasn't anything that he could really say to comfort Justin. Only seeing Kevin up and about would restore Justin's equilibrium. He just had to see his friend through this trying time.
They stayed like that for almost two hours.
Justin had finished crying a while ago, but couldn't seem to find the energy to disengage from JC. JC could feel how fragile his buddy was feeling, and despite the discomfort of the position he was in, he held on to him, hoping to show Justin how much he loved and cared about him.
Noticing that Fatima had finally finished with the three members of the Backstreet Boys, he gently disengaged himself from Justin and softly asked, "How are you feeling Curly?"
"Better Josh. Thanks for holding me. I just needed to feel someone's arms around me, supporting me."
"You're welcome Blondie. If you ever feel you need that comfort again, let me know!"
Justin smiled and quickly pecked JC on the cheek. "Thanks, I'll remember that." He blushed, unsure how JC would react to the friendly kiss on the cheek, but relaxed when JC smiled back at him.
"We'd better head back; Fatima will be screaming for us soon. I just can't believe it took them so long to work through nine dance routines!"
"Well, they are two members short," Justin said, defending the BSB guys. "And they're worried about Kev."
"I guess... It probably also doesn't help if you're expecting to come in on some cue that the missing dancer normally gives."
He had noticed that happening during several of the dance routines. It usually involved Nick and Howie. They probably got their cues from Brian or Kevin, but without them there to dance their steps, the guys had no idea when to start dancing their own steps. Fatima had tried to get them to take the cue from the music instead, but she was slowly losing the battle.
They both stood and made their way to the stage just as Fatima started looking for them. "Ah, there you are! We're going to break for dinner for half an hour. But after that I want to see you up here! We've got to rehearse at least a half dozen more of your dances. The rest will need to wait until tomorrow."
They groaned at the thought, but walked over to the food-laden table that had been set up nearby. They had at least an hour and a half to go before the scheduled start of the interview - provided Fatima didn't keep them longer. So they intended to eat enough to get them through the upcoming torture...
They piled up their plates and found a place to sit down. Like everyone else, they ate their dinner in silence. Somehow they didn't feel like talking...
Fatima stared around at the morose singers and couldn't fault them. She didn't feel like socialising either. She quietly walked over and filled two plates with as much food as she could fit on them. Then balancing the plates carefully, she slowly made her way to the dressing room.
Lance and Brian would require something to eat... and knowing management like she did, they wouldn't get a chance to break for dinner. So she would make sure that dinner was at least brought to them. The same as she had done for Kevin on several occasions in the past...
She wondered how Kevin was doing?
--*
Nearby, Justin was wondering the same thing, trying to keep the worry he was feeling under control. Somehow he couldn't help but think that Kevin was hurting badly... and the thought of it was driving him crazy!
End - Chapter 8
To be continued...