Chapter III-Dreaming of Completion
I can clearly see the day he has feelings for me. We're at a computer (his, I'm assuming), I'm sitting at the desk and he's standing over my shoulder, bent to see the screen. I never noticed his proximity until now, when I turn to look at him. I stop midsentence as his eyes and the sudden spark of desire in them takes my breath away. And then he moves in, almost like slow-motion, and takes my lips in a tender, emotional, loving kiss. He breaks, pulling millimeters away, waiting for my reaction. My eyes flicker to his again and I can taste the sweetness of his breath on my lips. I know only seconds pass, but I feel every emotion I've ever felt for him explode inside me: irritation, frustration, admonishment, lust, pride, anger, disbelief, suspicion, surprise, and most of all, an undying inferno of love. Every memory of him wells up in me and bursts into my mind like a tirade of pictures swirling in the void of my daydreams.
I kiss back fervently, the topic on the computer no longer an interest and all but forgotten. Instantly I'm standing, pushing myself on my toes a bit to kiss perfect lips. He has his right hand around my waist, pulling me to the twin bed of his dorm and his left hand is already in my hair. My hands start off on his biceps-the bulging mass of ivory skin I'd long since envied and admired-and run up his deltoids which are now defined to near perfection from our gym visits. Finally, their resting place becomes his broad back, where my fingers dig into his black "Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver" shirt, longing for the skin-on-skin contact. His hands have found their way to my lower neck and my lower back, and I can feel the monster pressed against my abs. It throbs relentlessly and I push myself closer to him.
Now he's pulling me onto the bed with him, and our kiss breaks. My heart stops, but instead of pushing me away and yelling, he pulls off his shirt, expecting the same from me-it's off in seconds. The way his eyes look at me in marvel makes me swell with pride inside. So I pounce on him, his skin burning to my touch. I feel the hair on his navel against my abs and I can greater feel the feeble mesh fabric of his shorts and boxers trying to restrain the raging, massive boner he proudly wields. I rub my hand across it and he pushes into my touch, sending a moan into the kiss. I allow my other hand to trace up his body, feeling his well-defined chest that he worked so hard on. I go lower, feeling his softly defined abs. His sides are laboriously whittled down, though I have never had a problem with his body. Somehow, contrary to my previous belief, he had become even more perfect.
I break the kiss now, slightly biting his lower lip. Then I kiss his chin, then his jaw line, then up to his earlobe. I bite one lightly, then make my way with my tongue down his neck, and then back up to the other earlobe. I even make a hicky on his neck with no protest for him other than his deep breathing. He groans and I feel myself tighten instantly. Then he whispers my name.
"Patrick?"
Now I'm more confident. I kiss his collarbone, then move to his quarter-sized nipples; but I spend no time on them-according to him, they're void of feeling. His hands are rubbing my upper back as I continue downward. The light dusting of hair over his body tickles my tongue as I kiss down his long torso. No distractions. No mistakes.
I reach his navel now, and I lick around it, then follow his happy trail lower and lower until I reach the waistband of his shorts. A little overeager, his hands lower the waistband up, over, down, and the monster springs up in full glory. The two-and-a-half-inch wide shaft ran straight for six-and-a-half inches with a slight curve to the left, which led up to an impressive one inch helmeted head, and was nestled atop a thin, yet well-kept shroud of golden-brown hair that linked it to his happy trail imperviously. Just under his erection that seemed to glue itself to his stomach sat two enormous, eggsized balls in a dark, soft scrotum shadowed by the same flares of dark blond hairs. Fucking amazing.
I heft his balls in my left hand and lick from the very base of his beast to the very tip. He elicits a long, slow moan, and the monster bobs eagerly and happily. Teasing him even more, I kiss the head, then open my mouth and allow the head in. I nibble lightly and he squirms impatiently, his hands tightening in my hair, which is much shorter than it is now. I finally decide to stop toying and I take the length in one stroke. The breath cascades from him in a sharp exhale. I smirk to myself and slowly repeat the process. His hands go slack and I hear his breathing return in shallow gasps when he's not moaning. And I feel so confident I could burst.
I pick up the pace now, massaging his scrotum, rubbing up and down his chest, and running my hands over his muscular, long, hair-covered legs.
Suddenly, he pulls me up, just as the sweet taste of precum was beginning to bless my tastebuds. He pulls my face up to his, reigniting our passionate kiss. Then he starts to smile through our kiss and I break it after careful consideration.
"What?" I ask with a grin of my own.
"Nothing," he says, laughing.
"What?!"
"I got a little close there?after like, 10 minutes. I feel like Jan."
I laugh, shake my head, and give the monster an appreciative tug. "I don't think so."
He shrugs and then kisses me again, me on top of him. His hands tug at my jeans in the back and then his fingers deftly undo the button and zipper. In a swift motion, my jeans are off in an expert manner and his hands grip my ass firmly. Then my boxer-briefs are off and his hands explore the smooth planes of my newly waxed bottom. I thank my luck and try to hold back the shivers I feel when his finger breezes past my entrance. He smirks cockily in our kiss and I roll my eyes, also smiling into the kiss.
One hand moves around and takes my dick and I almost cry out. I gasp in the kiss and he breaks away to kiss my neck, flipping us so I'm on bottom. He's less patient, more animalistic, and he roughly sucks and kisses my neck. He makes a hicky and my fingers grip into his hair. He's marked me as his. And then again. He goes from side to side, his hands are all over; my ass, my dick, my chest, my abs-everywhere! My brain is having trouble processing everything and then, like some epiphany from a deity, I realize it's CHRIS doing this. The boy, he guy, the dude, the man-the ONLY ONE on this planet that I have ever truly loved.
Instantly, the intensity of our kiss heightens as I bring him back up. He kisses me, locks eyes, and then swiftly descends on "the snake." Now I do cry out. He doesn't care, because his roommates are gone for Spring Break. So he continues and I feel almost like I could cum right there. But I withhold and I rake his back with my absent fingernails.
I have to stop him, before I cum, and we continue our kiss, our bodies pressed together.
"So, not that I'm complaining at all," I begin, breaking the kiss, "but what now?"
"Well?I don't have a condom?" he says, smiling nervously.
"Dude?I've waited for this for over a year. And I trust you. And you already know I care about you more than anything?I'm sure we can do without."
He looks away for a moment, hesitant, then he speaks. "I dunno dude?I don't wanna like?hurt you, you know?"
"I have a high tolerance for pain?and to be honest, right now, NOT doing this would hurt more."
He breaks into an all-out smile and says "You are the biggest fucking ego-boost on the planet."
"You deserve it."
He rolls his eyes but I kiss him before he can argue further. We start to "re-inflate," and our kiss depends. "I wanna try something," he whispers half to himself. Before I can ask what it is, he's pulled my legs into the air and before I object, he flicks his tongue over my ass. Once. Twice. Three times. And I go slack-jaw. I have only been rimmed once, and it was not pleasant. This time around, I grip into the sheets like the life is being drained from me.
"Sorry, if it's bad, I'll stop?just wanted to try," he chuckles.
"No?no, it's not," I manage to say as I am quite out of breath. "I just didn't think you'd do that."
"I was curious."
"?and?" I ask hesitantly.
"It's a good thing you showered like an hour ago," he jokes.
Before I can retaliate, he licks me again and I catch my words before they spill out. But I can't hold back the groans that come forth. I feel him slide one of his thick fingers in and I push to meet it after the initial discomfort is gone. Then another.
Finally he resurfaces with a cocky smile plastered on his face. "Good for a first time?"
"Shut up!" I groan, pulling him into me again, our lips meeting once more.
Even in the hesitance of kissing him after such a new sexual act, the passion in me never left. I roll us over so I'm on top of him and slowly descend on him once more, taking him in easily and noticing how painfully hard he was. He really wanted this! The precum flows from him and I eagerly drink it, pulling either all or 75% of his length into my mouth and throat.
"Dude!" he gasps out, "I gotta last!"
I pull up and laugh, pride bursting from within. "Sorry."
"What way is easiest for you?" he asks as he lubes me up, then switches to himself.
"Let's start," I pause and pull him close to me with my legs, "like this."
I lock my legs around his waist and felt him throb near my ass.
He shrugs, smiling nervously. "I'll be gentle."
I nod, knowing he would for a while, but that he would me more than satisfying. I tell my body to relax, even as I see him lube himself up. I know this will hurt. Not only is Chris long, but the girth of his magnificent penis is greater than anyone else I've ever been with.
I feel the pressure against my hole and the persistence to push in. I lock eyes with him and my body goes to complete mush?and he slips right in. His face relaxes instantly, his mouth going agape; I know I'm "tight" and that I have a "nice ass," but seeing Chris' face settles all doubt in my mind.
He continues to inch in, waiting for my face to contort, waiting for me to yell or wince; but I keep my eyes on him. I have foreseen this moment so many times and would keep it close to me forever and ever. He is mine. And then he is in.
"Are you okay?" he asks skeptically.
I smile and say, "Ready when you are."
Then I reach up and kiss him, our position changing to where I am clinging to him while he carries the majority of my weight. We move like this for a while before he lies down on his back. And I ride him in pure bliss. Then he adjusts us ever so slightly and lets loose, thrusting into me with the reckless abandon of a thousand men. In and out, groan after groan, moan after moan-my fingers dig into the sides of his arms as I kiss his collarbone, neck, ears, lips, and anything I can manage. The sweat builds up on both of us as our breathing increases rapidly with each push. I call out his name through my teeth as he hits every spot imaginable, and I throb with the prospect of release so close.
His computer goes on standby, the sun changes positions, and our release is unanimous, climaxing as one being united in a moment of intense passion and?love.
But it doesn't stop there. He stays inside me and I lean in to kiss him fervently and thankfully. Then slowly he pulls out and that sense of unity fades ever-so-slightly. But then he pulls me from atop him so that we are side-by-side and he pulls me close to him, wrapping his arms around me tightly. We kick a dirty cover to the floor and pull the crumpled one near the foot of the bed up around us as we lie there in our post-sex auras.
"I don't know why we did all that shit to each other, dude," he says after minutes of silence.
"What do you mean?" I ask, turning to face him.
"Like?fuckin making each other jealous all the time, and then pretending to not like each other at all?it all just built up and made us fight all the time. All the time."
"I know?" I think for something more to say and find it; "But in all seriousness?neither of us were really ready for anything. If we had done this last month, do you think we'd be laying here talking about it?"
His face turned red a bit but he shook his head.
"So?everything's forgiven dude?let's just not do it again."
"I know?but?I dunno dude?are you still in love with me?"
I think long and hard about this and consider my options. Lying and saying no could either guarantee another event like this one, or it could push him away. Furthermore, lying to him would only drag out this false war we have going on.
"Yeah?I am."
He is quiet for a good while after that.
"And?I know you love Matt dude?so I don't want you to feel like you are obligated to return my feelings or anything?but?yeah, I am. I always have been. I lied to you because I thought that's what you wanted; I thought you wanted me to not like you anymore and to go out and find other people. But when I did go and hang out with other guys, you flipped your shit. Even when I dated Cole, you would clam up every single time I talked about him, and I didn't really get why. Every single time I got with someone, I convinced myself that you were jealous that I was getting some, not that I was getting some with someone other than you."
"I dunno dude?I guess it just freaked me out at first. I mean, seriously?Matt telling me he loved me definitely shook me up, but I just shrugged it off because, I mean?we were fuck buddies. You and I were just friends?I thought you had moved on with Thomas and you made it clear you were developing feelings for him. So I let go and moved on."
"Yeah, but even during first quarter this year when I wasn't seeing anyone, you knew how much I cared about you but it apparently bothered you. You said it was weird and made you uncomfortable. But you still hung out with Matt."
"It was different. Your feelings scared me cuz we had never even had real sex. We had hooked up twice and never even came?plus we were drunk. The fact that you actually cared about me without having sex me was weird. I mean?I know Matt loved me, or whatever?but?you?you really were in love with me. Like?no matter what I did, you still stuck around. Every single time. No matter how much of a dick I was about it, you got pissed but you were always there."
"And I told you that's what I would do. I care way too much about you to just turn my back on you. When I say I'm in love with someone, I mean it. I don't just say it to let them know I care about them-I say it to let them know I am always going to be there, no matter what happens."
He is silent, so I kiss him lightly and then flick his forehead. "So stop thinking so much?I knew you'd realize I was right, as usual."
He rolls his eyes and pushes me away playfully. "Dude?I dunno?it's just weird. I've never really had any feelings for you sorted out. I knew I got jealous. I knew I got annoyed. I knew I was happy when we were hanging out and having fun?but I didn't think I actually liked you. Now?I dunno?I'm not so sure, I guess. Like, before, the physical attraction thing was slim, I guess. You were so damn skinny and I honestly felt like I would break you if anything were to happen?and?you weren't really confident with your body, so I didn't think you'd be all that into it anyway. Plus?the fact that you liked me really complicated things because I didn't want you to read more into it than necessary?like?think that it meant I loved you back."
I suddenly fall deathly silent. This was what I have been waiting for, isn't it? I know he isn't in love with me, so why am I fooling myself into thinking that just because we have sex, he loves me?
"So?what are you trying to say here?" I force out with a small laugh.
"He rolls his eyes again, smiling. "Basically that I think I like you?but?I dunno dude?I don't wanna get you hurt again. Cuz all it's gonna do is push us farther apart."
I grin and swat at him. "You ASS! You could've told me this sooner!"
He winces and pulls back. "Well I wanted to be sure, dude. Because?I mean?you said you weren't in love with me anymore, and even though you said you were attracted to me still?I wasn't entirely sure. I had to really think about it. And like?I dunno, you've changed a lot. You're a lot more confident and less dependent, I guess."
"And what, that's attractive?"
"I guess."
"Forever indecisive."
"I dunno dude?yeah, you're hot, okay? But like?I dunno."
"Well what makes you think I still want you with my new-found-hotness?" I chide.
I make out a muffled "Fuck you!" from the pillow he has buried his face in.
"Again? Already?"
He reaches out and grabs the back of my neck, laughing. "You know you liked it."
"I really need to quit boosting your ego so much."
"I thought I deserved it?"
I fold my arms in a mock put. "Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"What are you really saying here, Chris? I mean?what do you wanna do? Because?I dunno if I wanna hear about you being with other guys, to be honest. And I know you don't want me to be with other guys. So?what do we do here? Do you want to be my boyfriend or?what?"
He leans in very close to my face and kisses me softly, deepening just a little, and then pulls back. Looking into my eyes with his sun-fire electric eyes, he mutters slowly and softly, "yes."
And I beam brightly as my chest explodes. I can't process anything and I feel like I might even blackout, but I wrap my arms around him joyously. All this time I've waited. All the pain I've endured-not to mention all the people pulling me away-and all the times he had cut me open with his piercing razor-sharp words: it was all worth it. I truly, truly had Bled Love for him; and now, he was my tourniquet. Love had found me and I would die before ever losing it again.
"Boyfriends it is, then," I say.
"I love you, dude," he says, shrugging and pulling me in for a kiss.
-November 3, 2008-
I slam my hand on my phone as it rings a cheery alarm. The person next to me is not Chris. He's much shorter, with brown hair and hazel eyes and very little muscle definition. He's snoring, but not like Chris, and he's blowing his very unpleasant breath in my face. For an instant, a blaze of rage swirls up in the pit of my stomach, but I qualm it and step up and around Cole. He's still asleep.
I grab my clothes and throw them on, then pull my backpack on. I nudge him and let him know I'm leaving, then I'm gone to class. I pull out my wallet to retrieve my form of transportation-or more like what allows me to be transported-but I stumble across the very same CTA pass Chris had given me over Spring Break. So long ago. My eyes begin to burn a bit and my nose feels like someone has sprayed bleach under it.
Why had things turned out this way? Why had only half of my dream come true? And why was God doing this to me like I was his only form of entertainment?
I looked at the Red Line map as I waited on the platform of Berwyn and listened to the cheery CTA voice announce to the northbound passengers, "This is Berwyn. Doors closing. Bryn Mawr is next."
Bryn Mawr caused me to involuntarily smirk to myself. That's where Jake lived.
My last night of spring break while in Chicago was supposed to be a Sunday, March 30th. I was to fly out on the morning of the 31st and be back in lovely South Carolina.
That day was cloudy and rather gloomy in Chicago. Chris and I were sitting in his room, watching TV and talking on AIM-rather I was watching TV being depressed and he was on AIM somewhat oblivious.
Finally, he turned to me and asked, "What do you wanna do today?"
I shrugged. "Something fun?otherwise I'm just gonna be depressed all day," I laughed.
"Wanna go over to my friend Jake's and play Risk?"
"Jake?is the one with the massage chair?"
He laughed and nodded. "He also has a full bar."
"I'm down," I said.
So, we got ready to head to Jake's! We showered and shaved and all the necessities rather quickly and headed to Jake's around 4. When we arrived, we headed all the way up to the 28th floor and waited for him to greet us, which he did. He was a very jovial character, with a bit of fat around the face and waist. He was obviously very intelligent and our conversation flowed seamlessly. He poured us shots of Lemoncello, and then followed it up with a bourbon known as George T Stagg. It was an 80 proof drink best served on the rocks that tasted amazing-but I had know idea he had given me a double shot!
Near the middle of our conversation, we talked about my flight back and I told him how inconvenient it would be because of the early hour and because Chris would have to miss class. He shook his head with expertise, telling me that as long as I went sometime tomorrow, they would allow me to fly out-he told me to check flight times and just arrive for one of the later ones. So it was decided!
The drinks kept coming, and Jake actually ended up dropping his glass once (he was already drunk when Chris and I had arrived) and cut his foot on the shattered glass. I still have the bloodstain on my shirt from where he propped his foot up on my leg.
I seem to remember us talking about Brent a lot and how Chris was such an amazing guy who deserved so much more than him. Sometime in there, Chris ended up crying and I seem to remember a group hug of sorts.
A little later, when things had gotten better, we ordered a pizza. I was on the phone with Liz, telling her I really needed to get laid. She took it upon herself to call Chris and tell him to just DO IT already so that she would stop having to hear about it. It was a "group joke" and we shrugged it off.
Sort of.
His feet were resting on the top bar of my stool, putting his shins right under my hands. I had always marveled at his legs and longed to touch them, but now that I was drunk, I really didn't see a problem with it! So I started off subtly, knocking on his shins basically. A few times I rested my hands there while we all talked, and we somehow got on the topic of Triumph, a Facebook application that we all played.
Jake led us to his room where he was on the laptop, and Chris laid down next to him in a diagonal fashion. There was little room left on the Queen sized bed, so?in my drunken stupor?I laid my head on Chris' lap and laid my body between his legs.
"What are you doing??" he laughed.
"There's nowhere else to lay."
He didn't seem to mind. And after a few moments, it seemed that he was actually enjoying it because my "pillow" had suddenly grown much harder.
Not wanting to waste time and knowing Jake was fully immersed in Triumph, I began to unzip his pants quietly. It wasn't until I was struggling with the button that Jake noticed.
"What is going on here?" he asked.
"Nooooothin," I said, "just keep talking about Triumph."
And he did! But once it became obvious, he started kissing Chris! Before I knew it, I was desperately trying to undo his jeans. Finally, Chris said, "Need some help?"
"They won't fuckin come off!" I laughed.
He rolled his eyes and pulled them off for me, and from there on out, I began to blow him. He was smaller then than he is now-not by much, but by about an inch, maybe a half-inch. It was more than satisfactory, though, and tasted?sweet? It was odd! But it was great.
Time seemed to stop but Jeff and I serviced Chris only. Our clothes came off completely and I moved up to kiss Chris while Jeff tried to imitate my blowjob skills. I would later discover he didn't come anywhere near close.
That first real kiss with Chris was amazing. His lips were so soft and velvet-like, and he was so skilled with his tongue that I was literally surprised. He was the first person ever to softly bite my lip and pull it, and he seemed to like playing with my bottom lip-sucking on it and leaving me to play with his top lip. It was nothing short of breathtaking.
And then a doorbell rang.
"What was that?" someone asked.
"The door?"
"The pizza!" I remembered.
Jeff threw a robe on and headed out to the living room to answer the door. Chris and I sat there naked for a few minutes before he started getting dressed.
"Why are you getting dressed?" I asked.
"Cuz," he answered, but I could tell he was drunk. He could hardly pull his boxers on and his large dick flapped as he tried to put his leg through a hole.
"You were wrong, by the way-you look great naked."
"Eh?" he said.
He headed to the bathroom without his boxers on and was quite sure the pizza man saw his naked ass.
"Sir, do you have your cell phone?" the pizza man asked.
"To be honest, my cell phone is probably up some young boy's ass right now," Jake laughed.
I remember sitting there in the dark thinking to myself that this was absolutely insane.
About 30 minutes later, after we had eaten, Jake passed out in his massage chair. Chris and I decided to call Liz and tell her what happened, and I don't quite remember her reaction, but I think it was good. Chris and I even talked about it afterwards! Then we headed to the living room and I lie in small pallet area with a husband pillow behind me. Chris tried to curl up in a chair that was obviously too small for him.
"Come down here," I said in an infantile voice.
"Why?"
"Cuz I'm cold!"
He mock-growled but came down anyway, and I snuggled close to him. We fell asleep like that, but after about 45 minutes I woke up again due to his absence. He was gone for a while but came back eventually.
"Where'd you go?"
"Bathroom."
"Did you throw up?" I asked, as I had recently, right after the pizza man interrupted.
"Nah," he said. Then he said, "Jake's passed out, let's go to his bed."
I had no qualms with that, so we headed to Jake's bed and curled up once again. Although this time he didn't put his arms around me immediately.
"Ugh?"
"What?" he asked.
"You really suck at this whole sleeping-next-to-each-other-thing."
He said something I can't quite remember.
So he finally wrapped his arms around me, holding me closer than I've ever been held and to the point where I felt I would simply melt into him; and for once in my whole life, every outside force, every inside thought, and every molecule of anxiety coursing through my body, finally stopped. And I was at peace.
"This is Berwyn. Doors closing."
I shook my head from its reverie and hopped on the southbound train. Maybe sometime soon, Chris and I would find our way to each other like my dream had depicted to me so many times. Maybe. Hopefully.
-KB: III