Justin's Story Part III Chapter 18
Written By: Justin Case
July 6,2000
Disclaimer: The story you are about to read contains sexually graphic material. If you are not of legal age, you should leave this site now. I will not be responsible for messy sheets or clothing belonging to the over- excited reader. You have to pay your own cleaning bills. Oh yeah, if you didn't know after you clicked on Gay Male, High School, or DJ's Naughty Stories, that you were in a homosexual site, you must be stupid. I hope to entertain and educate you; if you have some fun, great! Remember, I prosecute all shoplifters.
Words from Our Author: Oh my God, can you believe it? I am here, with two hands flying over the keyboard. Yep, yep! Here I am. Boy, did I miss you all. I missed standing here on my soapbox. I need to tell you all 'thank you'. I mean, if it wasn't for your many words of hope, I wouldn't be here yet. You all inspired me so much that I endured pain in my hand to get my fingers working again, much sooner than expected.
I won't keep you. I will let you read the final chapter of Justin's Story. I have more to say after you've finished, so I hope you read my comments at the end.
If you care to write me with your comments, feel free to do so. The address is still the same: Justin69SK@aol.com
I sat there the rest of the wake, with Tony by my side. The sweet scent of flowers filled my nostrils. I had never seen so many flowers as I had that day. I actually wondered how much money had been spent on them all. I thought to myself of the good things that could have been done with the money. I mean, think about it: after the funeral, the flowers would be left at the grave. While some would be brought home, most would be left behind; did you think my grandparents would notice?
I began to drift back, I started to remember when I was just a small boy. I remembered the time in my life when it was just my mom, Sarah, and me living with my grandparents. Before 'What's his name' came into my life was the only time I had remembered with warmth. I thought of the times that Tony and I had gone to the brook that ran through the front woods at 'the house'.
I realized that after my mom had remarried, I had become the child of an alcoholic. I was mentally sick from that point, not really knowing reality. I moved from one disease to another. I went from being the child of an alcoholic to being a drug addict. When I was caught in the clutches of my diseases, I really didn't know what was right.
I thought about my various relationships. I dreamt of JT; I thought I loved him. What I realized was, I loved feeling loved. I thought I loved Chuck; again I couldn't have loved anyone. I didn't love myself. If I had loved myself, I wouldn't have tried to kill myself. Using drugs is a way of killing yourself; while it may not be a conscious choice, it is a way of killing yourself.
I had belonged to a gang of friends, because I had the feeling of being needed. As I looked back, I realized that we all were just using each other. Not necessarily in a bad way, but we did use each other. While I still hold a place in my heart for all my 'friends', I know that what we had was not true friendship, it was born out of our need to belong. These friendships were not real, we were just using one another. We were in some sort of denial, denying to each other and ourselves how we really felt.
Now, Tony was different. He had been my friend when we were little. We had that innocence of children, we were inseparable. Tony and I had loved each other until we were about fourteen. When I turned fourteen, I started hanging with the gang. They rejected Tony because he didn't party. He remained true and steadfast to himself. I always respected him; deep down inside I knew he was doing the right thing. He did call me from time to time over the years, always asking how I was. I was always happy to hear from him, I just didn't have the courage to leave my 'friends'. How silly it all seems now.
I sat there in Hanley's Funeral Parlor, in front of my grandparents' caskets, wondering what God's plan for me was. I was wearing a suit that had been bought for me. I had to make some decisions, I had to take charge of my life. I should have bought my own suit, I should have stayed and never run. I couldn't change what was; I could begin to work on what was to be. I started to begin my life over, right then and there. One day at a time, sometimes it is one second at a time. That Tuesday was the first day of the rest of my life.
I looked up, I saw him coming across the carpeted floor; his huge presence was felt by all. It was 'What's his name', he was looking directly at me as he approached. I could see his blue-gray eyes staring down at me; sweat was forming on his chin. He reached for his handkerchief to wipe his chin with his left hand, while reaching for my right hand with his own.
"Justin, I'm sorry," was all he said as he shook my hand. He turned and walked away.
My heart pounded as he approached, a real fear swelled up inside me. I heard his words and forgave him. He had, after all, done 'his best'. He did the best he knew how, it wasn't all my fault. I forgave myself at the same time.
I still don't talk to my mother and 'What's his name', for other reasons. They disowned my sister after her divorce. They took up with Phil, my ex-brother-in-law. My parents make regular trips to his new home. I guess they forgot how to get to 'the house'; they haven't visited. They got involved in the divorce hearings, actually saying the rest of the family had conspired against them, keeping Sarah's son from them and Phil. They signed an affidavit attesting to their assertions. They asked the courts not to grant Sarah child support. I can't understand their actions. I guess parenthood just never took with them.
I called my mom and cried, I asked her how she could do this to her daughter. I asked her why she felt we had kept her from her grandchild. I had been privy to many private moments with my nephew and his father. Phil, like my stepfather, was an alcoholic who liked to beat kids. I told that to my mother, she told me she didn't want to hear that "bull shit". I told her several times in the phone conversation that I loved her; she never responded. For my health I stay away, also for theirs. I live with the fact that, while they are my parents, they just don't know any better. I forgive them. Sarah doesn't forgive easily, she is holding a grudge.
When the service was concluded I took Tony to his mom's to get his clothes. We got all his clothes and some of his personal belongings. We decided to live together. We still do live together. He is great. He is patient and understanding, as well as kind and loving. I am thankful to have him in my life.
We live here together, Tony, my sister Sarah, her friend and son, and Kilby, another friend. Oh yes, then there's the dog. Goliath is a ninety pound cross Lab-Airedale, very friendly, unless he doesn't know you. We live here at 'the house', just the six of us and the dog. We are all happy and clean, except for our thoughts, hehe.
There was a family feud after the burial; we all went to 'the house' for a family gathering. Mr. Fiore was there and read the will to all my aunts and uncles, as well as to my mom. My mother wanted the dining room set, and didn't get it. She was left out again. She and 'What's his name' talked about contesting the will, but never did. We live in agreement, not to agree with each other. I talk to one of my cousins, I keep her posted on my health, so she can pass along the information to the others. My two uncles and three aunts were all hurt by their parents' wishes; they blame me. I pray for them. Someday I hope we all get along again.
I still talk to Grams and Gramps and believe they answer me. I know that I have never been so happy, so in love, and so alive. I still think of my time away, it is a constant reminder of why I am where I am. I am where I need to be. I have completed my return, my return to life.
I sit here now, after writing the final chapter of Justin's Story, wondering if I met my goals. I set out with three goals when I began telling my tale: The first goal was to let others know they were not alone with their sexuality. I wanted others to know that there are many gay people in the world and we are capable of loving. The second goal was to deliver a message of hope to others living their lives in the midst of drug addiction. Hope that there is a better way to live, hope that you can find it. The third goal I had was to relate to my readers. I wanted to communicate on a level plane with them. I wanted my readers to feel my pain, so they didn't have to feel their own.
I pray that while you read my tale you were able to see where drugs took me. All addicts have similar tales of pain. While my life was rather active, I assure you that all addicts have similar tales of woe.
When I first began doing drugs, as you might remember, pot was the drug of choice, with a little alcohol. My desire to get high overcame my desire to live. I went deeper and deeper into my addiction, I had no idea of reality. People in my life had actually died, their deaths caused by drug use. Other people in my life are in prison, also because of drug use.
I also want you all to know that I have found love in my life. I have been accepted by another human being as I am. I have accepted him as he is. While ours is not an accepted kind of relationship amongst a few ignorant persons, most people don't really seem to care. We don't broadcast our feelings to the world, we live a private life, shared only with a few close friends. We are content. Love between two young men is possible, as is love between two young women.
Well, my peeps, what did you think? I can tell you this much: the story is far from over. I mean that period of my life is behind me and is over. The life I now share with Tony is just beginning. I will continue the story of our life soon, Justin and Tony's Story; watch for it.
I want to thank you all for reading my story. I want to thank you all for your many letters of encouragement. I especially want to thank my editor, Ed.
Don't forget my other stories also found here: Michael's Secret Love, Guy's Secret, and Luke's Secret Art.
Write me if you want: Justin69SK@aol.com